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Donald Trump is rumored to have lost weight using diabetes drugs like Ozempic or Mounjaro. However, Trump’s doctor said he “has reduced his weight through an improved diet and continued daily physical activity.” Then firefighters were called to the doctor’s office to extinguish his pants.

A U.S. Postal Service letter carrier in Philadelphia was robbed at gunpoint by a man demanding the keys for mailboxes. The robber took the keys and finished his route in half the time.

The state of California is concerned that LA Dodgers superstar Shohei Ohtani is dodging taxes by deferring $680 million of his record-breaking contract. Ohtani is also concerned that he has a structured settlement but he needs cash now.

Cosmopolitan magazine released a special ‘Sex After 60’ issue. It contains 50 pages of ads, and is 53 pages total.

Child researchers say screen time for children younger than two years old could lead to sensory development issues and learning disabilities. The problem is particularly bad for babies sitting in their grandparents lap while they watch Fox News.

A viral TikTok video features a woman claiming to use LinkedIn as a dating app. Then after the dates she endorses the men for skills like Orgasm Management.

NBA star Ja Morant of the Memphis Grizzlies – who’d been suspended for social media videos waving a handgun – will miss the remainder of the season with a shoulder injury. Both the suspension and injury left Morant unable to shoot.

Lawyers for Donald Trump in his presidential immunity hearing offered a “qualified yes” when asked if a president is immune from prosecution for ordering Navy SEALs to kill a rival candidate. Trump explained Joe Biden is President of Al Qaeda.

The World Economic Forum shared their 10-year outlook, saying the world could suffer catastrophic consequences in the next decade, citing climate change, artificial intelligence, and the reintroduction of the Double Big Mac.

Armed men stormed a TV station in Ecuador during a live broadcast and took several station workers hostage, amidst the nation’s battle with drug gangs. Concerned viewers were frightened, but also frustrated at having to wait until the 11 O’Clock News to find out what happened.

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A stagefront security guard at Taylor Swift’s Minneapolis concerts said he was fired because fans took photos of him singing along with Taylor in the background. However a spokesperson for Crowd Management, his former employer, said it wasn’t the pictures, it was his four costume changes.

Donald Trump will be weighed when he surrenders on election fraud charges in Georgia, so he’s pushing back the daily Big Mac Value Meal until afterward.

India’s Chandrayaan-3 spacecraft landed successfully, making India the fourth country ever to land a spacecraft on the moon, and the first country to open six Dunkin Donuts locations there.

Fox News hosts the firsr Republican presidential debate, with insiders expecting Chris Christie to post a strong showing in the domestic & international policy discussion, and a weak effort in the swimsuit competition.

Singers Demi Lovato and Ariana Grande have reportedly fired manager Scooter Braun, and are shopping for new Scooters.

A third-grade teacher in Oklahoma was arrested for drinking wine during class and having a blood/alcohol content of 0.24, three times the .08 legal limit. Her students were also involved in a seven-Big Wheel pileup on the playground during recess.

A teacher in Queens, New York who once posted on social media about “helping kids understand consent” was arrested for having sex with a 14-year-old student. She told police her lessons worked, because the boy raised his hand and asked for sex.

Bruce Willis’ daughter Rumer said her new baby daughter’s name was inspired by a typo in a text. She’s the proud mother of Duck.

A federal appeals court upheld the child porn conviction of TLC reality star Josh Duggar, who’s serving 12 Years And Counting.

Former television writer Patty Lin said that her season writing for Friends was, despite being her most recognizable credit, a bad experience. “Could this BE any more toxic?” she wrote.

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Smoke inhalation from wildfires is linked to dementia. This, after studying bears who survived the fires, but forgot that they shit in what’s left of the woods.

Los Angeles Police are speculating that organized crime or gangs are behind the smash & grab robbery at a Nordstrom store resulting in $300,000 in lost merchandise. Others think some customers are angry they missed discounts at the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale.

A 13-year-old boy survived a 100-foot fall at the north rim of the Grand Canyon while on a family trip. He’s recovering and was released from the hospital, but his Dad is still pissed that he messed up their plans to drive to Sedona.

Two American tourists got drunk and spent the night sleeping atop the Eiffel Tower. Police in Paris, France say this is a rare occurrence; police in Las Vegas say it happens pretty much every night at the replica outside the Paris hotel.

According to Nielsen, streaming tv viewing hours topped broadcast & cable tv viewing hours for the first time in July, 2023. Researchers cited the increase in the number of streaming services, and Fox News viewers dying in their recliners.

Clarence Avant, a longtime music industry executive known as the ‘Godfather of Black Music’, passed away at age 92. His title now formally passes to Jay-Z.

Margot Robbie is projected to earn as much as $50 million in her role as Executive Producer of the ‘Barbie‘ movie. She plans to invest her real dough to fund her other passion project, ‘Play-Doh‘

FBI agents in Philadelphia launched a raid on a teenager they describe as an “aspiring terrorist’ living in the city. They seized weapons, bomb-making materials, communications with an al-Qaeda affiliate, and multiple Dallas Cowboys jerseys.

A Florida woman allegedly murdered her elderly roommate, then doused herself in Diet Mountain Dew to erase DNA evidence. She was charged with murder while lying in the hospital bed where she’s being treated for second-degree chemical burns.

iPhone users are saying the Emergency SOS feature – which sends messages via satellite to first responders in service outages – saved lives during the Maui wildfires. Although now Apple is warning people to stop using it to locate late pizza deliveries.

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New Zealand will tax agricultural emissions – generated from the dung, urine & burps of cows and sheep – in an effort to curb climate change. Although hiring employees to measure the gas is difficult given the likelihood of comas and death from asphyxiation.

Brett Favre said he’s being “unjustly smeared” for his role redirecting Mississippi welfare funds to a sports facility at Mississippi State University. Favre said he knows a thing or two about unjust smears, having given them with his junk to NFL team massage therapists.

A jury found Infowars’ Alex Jones must pay nearly $1 billion in damages to families of Sandy Hook shooting victims. Jones’ bank accounts are expected to go from a ‘deep state’ to empty.

Two Florida men in separate cars were charged with shooting each other’s daughters during a road rage incident. It’s unclear which car got the good parking spot at Chuck E. Cheese.

Khloe Kardashian told fans she had surgery to remove a small cancerous tumor from her cheek. Since it was her ninth facial procedure, she’ll get the 10th one free.

A Texas family of five was sentenced for storming the Capitol together in the January 6th riots. In other news, Fox News has ordered a sitcom reboot of ‘Party Of Five’.

A Mar a Lago employee told the FBI that Donald Trump ordered him to move boxes from a storage room to his on-site residence. The boxes are alleged to contain classified documents, and a month’s worth of McDonald’s Monopoly game pieces.

Social Security payments will incorporate an 8.7% cost-of-living increase in 2023, the highest such increase in 40 years. Manufacturers of wheelchairs and mobility scooters report a surge in demand for custom rims.

Minnesota resident Travis Gienger’s 2,560 pound pumpkin won the World Championship Pumpkin Weigh-Off in Half Moon Bay, Calif. Gienger returned with his prize to his Minnesota home, where 40 punks smashed it in his driveway overnight.

A dromedary camel was walked by his handler in the drive-thru of an In-N-Out burger restaurant in Las Vegas because the camel loves the french fries. However, it left disappointed because they wouldn’t accept payment from the camel’s American Express card.

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Gregory Foster of San Diego, California broke his own world record by eating 17 Bhut Jolokia ‘ghost’ chili peppers in one minute. For the second time, Foster was added to the national waiting list for rectum transplant recipients.

Elon Musk sold nearly 8 million shares of Tesla stock, collecting $6.9 billion by doing so. Musk will use the money to buy up all the pictures of his pale doughy body on that yacht.

Donald Trump took the Fifth Amendment to all questions asked at a deposition as he faces charges for fraudulent asset valuations. He wanted to take the Sixth Amendment because it’s an even bigger amendment.

A Michigan man who built his own fiber-to-home internet service because he couldn’t get good service from Comcast or AT&T is expanding it with a government grant. He says his biggest challenge is finding time, since he spends hours each day answering customer service calls from his wife and kids.

Coke introduced its latest Coca-Cola Creations limited-time flavor, called ‘Dreamworld’, which the company says is ‘inspired by dreams’. Specifically, you close your eyes and dream that the drink isn’t ruining your teeth and waistline.

A Beluga whale that was stuck in the France’s Seine River for more than a week died while in transit to the sea. Critics say it was a bad idea transferring the whale via Megabus.

More than a dozen tech companies – including Amazon, IBM, & Cloudflare – are developing a new open standard for sharing information to prevent cyberattacks. The cost will be offset once an anonymous Nigerian prince collects his inheritance.

Uma Pemmaraju, an Indian-born woman who was one of the first Fox News Channel anchors, died at age 64. Pemmaraju was considered a Fox News pioneer for getting a job there without being blonde.

Polyfluoroalkyls or ‘PFA’s – the ‘forever’ chemicals used in nonstick cookware – are definitively linked to liver cancer. Although scientists say your spouse’s meatloaf isn’t helping either.

Retired NFL running back Marshawn Lynch was arrested for DUI in Las Vegas. His car had one flat tire and another tire totally missing. Asked if his endorsement contract is at risk, a Subway spokesperson said “we’ve had worse”.

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Russia announced they’ll be leaving the International Space Station at the end of 2024 – or as soon as their Death Star is finished, whichever’s sooner.

Google is adding over 100 photorealistic aerial views to landmarks in Google Maps. Previously, users could only access aerial views when Maps directed them to drive off a cliff.

Joe Biden tested negative for COVID-19 and will leave isolation as soon as Jill gets back to tell him which door is the exit.

Newlyweds Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck took a family visit to the Louvre Museum in – proving even rich kids can be subjected to the most boring vacation activities before they finally reach Disneyland Paris.

Rose Valentino, a police officer once featured on TLC Network show ‘Police Women Of Cincinnati‘, was caught on bodycam footage using the N-word. The TLC show was cancelled years ago, but Fox News saw the footage and offered Valentino a new show of her own.

A Kentucky couple who let their 6-year-old run a marathon was visited by child protective services. They interviewed the child once he finished cutting the family’s 4-acre lawn using a walk-behind mower.

A British tourist died walking into the rear blades of a helicopter while taking a selfie. His family requested privacy while they assess the damage to his iPhone’s screen.

Married actors Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard announced their 9-year-old and 7-year-old “graduated” to sleeping in their own room instead of the same room as their parents. They’ve also graduated to one-hour therapy sessions to cope with the sex they saw and heard.

The CEO of chicken restaurant Raising Cane’s bought $100,000 worth of Mega Millions lottery tickets with the intent to share the winnings with employees. The employees said, all things being equal, they’d rather have health insurance.

Jennifer Lopez posed nude to publicize the launch of her new butt-firming lotion: JLo Body by JLo Beauty Firm + Flaunt Targeted Booty Balm. It comes in a half-gallon jug because they need room to fit the name, and to have enough to cover her butt once.

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The Washington Post suspended writer Dave Weigel for a month for retweeting the joke “Every girl is bi. You just have to figure out if it’s polar or sexual.” Weigel is remorseful, with a co-worker saying the suspension not only rectum, it practically killed him.

The mother of a two-year-old who shot and killed his father is being charged with manslaughter. The toddler said it’s the only way his mother would put Paw Patrol back on.

Microsoft virtual reality chief Alex Kipman resigned over accusations of inappropriate behavior toward women, and of watching ‘virtual reality porn’ in the office. Women claim Kipman would wear VR glasses in meetings and squeeze stress balls with his arms extended.

Fox News will not air the January 6th Committee’s primetime hearings on Thursday. However, they’re not sure Sean Hannity, Tucker Carlson & Laura Ingraham can hold their audience, so they made the unprecedented move to air a Matlock marathon.

Season 4 of Netflix hit Stranger Things propelled 1985 Kate Bush song ‘Running Up That Hill’ to Top 10 spots on U.S. and U.K, singles charts. However, no such luck for Wham! rerelease ‘Wake Me Up Before You DemoGo-Go-Gorgon’.

Philadelphia’s Made In America Festival announced its lineup for 2022 – headlined by Bad Bunny, Tyler The Creator, and bulletproof VIP viewing tents.

The European Union announced that in 2024, all smartphones and electronics must use a standard charger such as USB-C for regulatory approval. Apple said they’re okay, so long as they can continue selling $35 cords that break in two weeks.

As U.S. states enact strict abortion regulations amidst the expected reversal of Roe v Wade, direct-to-home abortion pill startup businesses are getting interest, such as Uber Broken Condom and Plan UPS.

Former Trump adviser Peter Navarro, speaking after his arrest for Contempt of Congress, claimed he was treated worse than illegal immigrants & Al Qaeda terrorists. Arresting officers deny this, saying Navarro was actually waterboarded with Kool-Aid.

Stars of reality tv show Chrisley Knows Best, Todd & Julie Chrisley, were found guilty of defrauding banks out of $30 million in personal loans. While their own show was cancelled, they’ll be special guests on future episodes of Love After Lockup.

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Tiger Woods indicated that he may play in The Masters this week, after playing a practice round, and seeing the two new hostesses hired at the Perkins pancake restaurant in Augusta.

Three Republican Senators voted to confirm Ketanji Brown Jackson to the Supreme Court, then asked the location of this “cookout” everyone tells them they’re invited to now.

A new study that paid loyal Fox News viewers to switch to CNN for 30 days made them “less likely” to believe “fake news”. Although most of them said the money wasn’t enough to keep them from missing blond women with huge boobs reading the stories.

A Florida personal injury attorney was disbarred after running over four people outside a grocery store because she heard “voices” in her head. She described the voices as “tough and smart”.

A New Jersey high school student and a 7-year-old relative brought loaded semi-automatic weapons to school on Friday. The high schooler faces weapons charges, the 7-year-old is taking Gifted Student firearms classes.

Elon Musk now owns 9% of Twitter and has joined the company’s Board Of Directors. Coincidentally, trending hashtags now include #spacetravel #electriccars #solarpower and #pickingaweirdnameforyourkid .

A Portland, Oregon woman opened The Sports Bra – a bar that only shows women’s sports on the TVs. The ribbon was cut by gold medal soccer goalie Hope Solo, who then came back six days in a row to get drunk and drive home with her kids in the car.

Forbes Magazine claims the collective wealth of the world’s billionaires has fallen to $12.7 trillion. Even worse, they’re not getting a lot of support on GoFundMe to save the superyachts and pro sports teams they bought.

A stranded bull was rescued from a backyard swimming pool in England. Onlookers were amazed by the effort to lift him out, and by the bulge in his Speedo.

An Amazon worker released a list of words and phrases allegedly banned from use on the company’s planned internal chat app, including “union”, “slave”, “plantation”, “restroom” & others. The restrictions are leaving many new employees unable to accurately describe their boat trip from remote continents to new Amazon jobs.

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Starting in 2024, the the SAT Exam will move entirely online, allowing students to use calculators, bring their own laptop, and use Zoom to cheat off other kids answers.

Fox News reporter Peter Doocy said Joe Biden called his cell phone to “clear the air” after calling Doocy a “stupid son of a bitch” during a press conference. Biden ended the call by asking Doocy to say hi to Fox & Friends Steve Doocy, “that dumb sh*t father of yours”.

Tiffany Haddish told Jimmy Fallon that she asked God for a new man, and he sent her four in uniform – referencing cops during her recent DUI arrest. She’s expected to appear in court with her lawyer and better jokes.

Kanye West said he won’t overshare details of his relationships “like Will Smith and Jada Pinkett”. Because if there’s one thing he’s known for, it’s privacy and subtlety.

Kim Kardashian visited a black-owned coffee shop in Los Angeles with Hillary Clinton and Chelsea Clinton for a new Apple+ tv show, ‘Three People Nobody Wants To Be President.’

Neil Young is demanding his music be removed from streaming service Spotify because of podcaster Joe Rogan’s vaccine misinformation. Spotify paid Joe Rogan $100 million for his podcast, then cut a farewell check to Young for 38 cents for the 2021 streams of ‘Rockin’ In The Free World’.

Consumer products company Unilever, owner of Dove and Ben & Jerry’s, cut 1,500 jobs, saying the cows still on the payroll will just have to work harder.

Google intends to replace ‘cookies’ with ‘Topics’, behaviorally-targeted advertising based on assigning sites you visit into 300 topical categories. The categories are ‘Porn’, ‘Sites Used To Hide Porn’, and 298 others.

Actor Peter Dinklage called Disney’s forthcoming live-action Snow White movie “backward”, for continuing to depict Seven Dwarfs living in a cave. Disney offered a compromise, offering Dinklage a role as the new eighth dwarf, ‘Woke’.

Janet Jackson says in a new tv biography that name-calling from brother Michael was playful, but still hurt. She claims Michael called her “pig, cow, horse” and other insults, when he would look for her penis and not find anything.

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Disney Parks announced the reopening of Typhoon Lagoon, a water park that’s been closed for two years. The current wait time for a water slide is two years.

A middle-aged man participating in the Coney Island Polar Plunge on New Years Day suffered a heart attack and had to be dragged from the ocean, where he was given CPR and left in an ambulance. Onlookers called it “the least-sexy Baywatch episode ever”.

Scientists are worried about the spread of COVID-19 from humans to deer, who are contracting it from close contact with the front bumpers of cars.

Congressman Marjorie Taylor Greene’s personal Twitter account was permanently suspended after posting lies about deaths from COVID vaccines. She’s allowed to keep her professional account, because lies from Congress are considered standard.

The January 6th Committee has “firsthand” knowledge of Donald Trump watching the riots on tv and doing nothing – specifically, a recorded call from Trump to Xfinity customer service because Fox News had briefly gone off-air.

Ghislaine Maxwell has reportedly been placed on “suicide watch”. Following the death of Jeffrey Epstein, prison officials increased the detail from two guards to four who won’t do anything about it.

An Australian man protesting the country’s vaccine mandates set himself on fire. He was rescued and listed in critical but stable condition at a nearby hospital, where he added he also was protesting the high price of the gasoline he used.

Police in Amsterdam used riot gear and attack dogs to disperse a crowd gathered to protest public gatherings. Video shows a German Shepherd locking on a protester’s arm, then later locking down on his handler’s arm after he tried to swab the dog’s nose for COVID.

Actress Betty White passed away at age 99. Televised celebrations of her 100th birthday will still go ahead as planned, with other nonagenarian actresses led by Angela Lansbury taking 20 minutes to blow out all the birthday candles.

Inmates at the prison which once housed Bill Cosby still call him several times a week. Most are seeking guidance, others are looking for drink-mixing advice to welcome their new cellmate.