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A mink on a Michigan farm tested positive for coronavirus. He decided to get tested because he felt really warm.

Unseeded Iga Swiatek won the women’s championship at the French Open tennis tournament. Asked what she was going do do next, she replied “Iga Disney World!”

Harold “Heshy” Tischler was jailed for inciting a riot as Orthodox Jews continue to protest New York City’s COVID-19 restrictions. Tischler becomes the first person arrested for excessive fist-shaking.

Two U.S. professors won the Nobel Prize in Economics for ‘improvements to auction theory and introduction of new auction formats’. Then they sold the prize on eBay.

Estee Lauder is sending 10 bottles of skin care serum to the International Space Station, and will auction one bottle for charity. The winner will be responsible for the winning bid, plus $3 million in shipping.

COVID-19 vaccine makers are paying people to take trial vaccines, with the plan to expose them to coronavirus in a controlled environment. Volunteers are signing up quickly, because so many want to see the inside of the White House.

Many cities are ditching Columbus Day and celebrating Indigenous Peoples Day instead. “Whatever” said a government worker sleeping in.

Tom Kennedy, longtime host of game show ‘Name That Tune’, passed away at age 93. The church organist will play two notes of Amazing Grace in his honor.

Many Twitter users are outraged that Israeli actress and Wonder Woman star Gal Gadot will portray Cleopatra, Queen of Egypt in an upcoming film. They demand the role go to an actress who’s Egyptian, Greek, or dead and wrapped in bandages.

Amazon debuted the first of 100,000 electric delivery vans it will deploy. The vans will help reduce harmful emissions as they carry stuff you’ll dump in a landfill in a couple years.

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Cellmate, a chastity sex toy that covers the penis and is controlled by an app, left users at risk of permanent lock-in due to a security flaw. Nevertheless, the Coalition of Gay Locksmiths said they’d be happy to help out anyone who’s stuck.

The Seattle Storm swept the Las Vegas Aces 3 games to 0, winning the WNBA title. Rioters flooded the streets, but that’s every weeknight in downtown Seattle.

Two women shared a Nobel Prize for “rewriting the code of life”. Unfortunately, the rewritten code of life is the CRISPR gene editing tool, not a zero-calorie mojito recipe. [joke h/t to KBM]

Mike Pence’s team reportedly doesn’t want a plexiglass barrier at the Vice Presidential debate – he prefers an opaque curtain so he doesn’t have to see another woman.

Cruise lines are reducing the number of vessels, and some send retired ships to Aliaga, Turkey so they can be torn apart and sold for scrap. Workers tearing down the ships say the hardest part is getting all the bodies of old people out of the way.

QAnon has been removed from Facebook – but remains a proud founding sponsor of Parler.

Slack announced that in 2021, users will be able to send Slack messages to workers at other companies – a breakthrough that will let employees sexually harass people who work somewhere else.

Two more Tennessee Titans tested positive for COVID-19, putting Sunday’s game at risk after last weekend’s was postponed. They may become the first NFL team with a Bye-Bye week.

A Chicago study found four out of five COVID-19 patients showed effects of the disease in their brain. A study of White House COVID-19 patients showed there wasn’t much more damage that COVID-19 could do.

The air leak on the International Space Station is worse than initially believed. But the good news is they can install the new toilet they’re getting next to it.

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Three-Michelin-star restaurant The Restaurant at Meadowood burned down in California wildfires. On the plus side, it’s now easier than ever to get a table.

The CDC released guidelines for Thanksgiving celebrations. They recommend keeping gatherings small and throwing jellied cranberry sauce in the garbage where it belongs.

Shots were fired during a brawl at Reaper’s Realm haunted house attraction in North Carolina. Unfortunately the bullets were unable to stop the werewolf.

A hiker fell 100 feet to his death while posing for a photo on an Oregon trail. “That is a nice picture, though” said someone looking at a framed copy next to the casket.

Actor Jim Parsons told Jimmy Fallon he contracted COVID-19 in March, adding that he lost his sense of taste, because he spent his recovery watching ‘Two Broke Girls’.

Eric Trump told Fox & Friends that he’s “part of the LGBT” community. Asked to clarify, he said “T for Trump”.

Disney is cutting 28,000 jobs at theme parks due to reduced attendance. Disney is now an even smaller world.

Astronauts on the International Space Station have detected the source of an air leak that had been growing in size. NASA now plans to finish repairs once they can get the Flex Seal guy into space.

Walmart is redesigning stores to make it easier for visitors to find what they’re looking for. Each store will now have ten exits.

40,000 airline workers are expected to be furloughed. Airlines would like to start the layoff process by dismissing members of the Platinum Elite Employees Club.

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Donald Trump says he’s being assisted in debate preparation by Chris Christie. Christie was seen reading a lengthy order at the McDonald’s drive-thru.

A judge overturned a ban on Uber operating in London. The decision is regarded as a huge victory for British creeps.

17 apps were removed from the Google Play store for containing malware that secretly billed the user for WAP services. That’s ‘Wireless Application Protocol’, not the good WAP.

Demi Lovato posted a photo to Instagram wearing a shirt reading “Dogs Over People”, just after breaking off her engagement to actor Max Ehrlich. She’s now engaged to her dog.

Joe Montana and his wife stopped an intruder who tried to take their 9-month-old grandchild from their home. Jennifer Montana took the baby back, and was credited with a forced turnover, the intruder was credited with one carry for no gain.

Photos from Europe’s CHEOPS Space Telescope revealed WASP-189b – one of the “hottest, most extreme planets” in orbit. The photos are of extraterrestrials doing sick, backside 1080s while chugging Mountain Dew Code Red.

NASA is sending a new space toilet to the International Space Station, which they say is optimized for use by female astronauts. Which is NASA’s way of saying women get their own toilet, instead of having to wait six hours after the men use it.

California prisons will now house inmates by the gender they identify as. Commissaries at men’s prisons say they can’t keep up with demand for makeup, wigs and dresses the convicts are ordering for their transfer hearings.

Magawa, a giant rat, was given a gold medal by a British veterinary group for his work detecting unexploded land mines in Cambodia. Magawa then spent the rest of day trying to alternately eat, and have sex with, the medal.

Former Trump campaign manager Brad Parscale was hospitalized after barricading himself in his house and threatening self-harm. Negotiators said the self-harm was either shooting himself, or going to work for Trump again.

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A construction worker who ate a bag of black licorice every day for weeks died from heart failure. At his autopsy, the five-foot blockage in his colon entered the Guinness Book of Records as World’s Largest Twizzler.

Amazon announced the new Ring Always Home security camera – a flying in-house drone. Pricing is unavailable, but it’s believed to be cheap enough for creepy kid brothers to spy on their sister’s slumber party.

A federal judge ruled Tucker Carlson is not a reliable source of news. She wasn’t in court, she was just sitting at home rolling her eyes watching ‘Tucker Carlson Tonight’.

Two Californians were charged with murder after discarding a dismembered body on a golf course. The hole was a dog-leg right, and two human legs left.

44-year-old Shauna Bishop, a Sacramento County California sheriff’s deputy, plead guilty to sex with a 16-year-old boy. She was placed under arrest, and the boy was placed over her.

An Arkansas man found a 9-carat diamond while hiking at a state park. He plans to have the stone mounted, and finally ask his pig to marry him.

NASA warned that China will launch its own space station in 2022. To prove it, U.S. astronauts at the International Space Station shared menus left on the door handle reading ‘coming soon’.

Donald and Melania Trump were booed when they visited the body of Ruth Bader Ginsburg. They were reportedly shaken because the loudest ones came from inside the casket.

Spoken word poet Brandon Leake won the grand prize on America’s Got Talent. He receives $1 million, and will headline the most poorly-attended show in Las Vegas history.

Police in India are questioning Bollywood superstar Deepika Padukone as part of an inquiry into celebrity drug use. “Don’t give us the usual song & dance” said cops, as Padukone performed a new routine in the interrogation room.

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An Amazon delivery driver was caught defecating in a woman’s garden. Worse, he sent her a picture to prove he delivered it.

Disney’s CEO said that fewer people are visiting Disney Parks than they expected. It’s so bad, the robots changed the lyrics to “It’s A Small ‘Crowd’ After All”.

The Tennessee GOP Senate Primary is still “too close to call” between two bigots.

FBI agents executed a federal search warrant on the home of YouTube star Jake Paul. No word on what they were looking for, but they’re seriously disappointed in the view count of the video they took.

The deadline for players to opt out of the upcoming NFL season is 4p.m. today. The deadline to acquire CTE has been extended indefinitely.

Amazon announced Prime Day – typically held in July – will now take place “in the fourth quarter”…taking the place of the holiday formerly known as Christmas.

Cable network Freeform announced the cancellation of mermaid drama ‘Siren’ after three seasons. An executive said the show just didn’t have legs.

A 6-year-old in a London suburb reportedly choked on parts of a blue face mask fried in to the McNuggets she was eating. Her mother requested a different Happy Meal toy.

NASA astronauts aboard the International Space Station shared a music video they made to Travis Tritt’s song “It’s A Great Day To Be Alive” – which it was, unless you’re the astronaut who hates country music.

University of Connecticut is cancelling their 2020 men’s football season, saying it’s a safer way of going 0-12.

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Pokemon Go will get ‘reality blending’ updates in June, where Pokemon can hide behind real life objects, and mug you to free the other Pokemon you’ve already captured.

Hertz Rental Car filed for bankruptcy. They blame low usage during the pandemic, and the inability to charge $6 for a gallon of gas.

A researcher in Japan created a lickable surface that can recreate almost any flavor without eating the associated food. It’s thought to be a game-changing breakthrough for both weight loss and oral sex.

NASA is scheduled to launch two American astronauts into space in a Tesla Falcon 9 rocket on Wednesday. They’re expected to arrive at the International Space Station after they circle the Earth a couple of times on the way looking for a recharging station.

Twitter labeled two of Donald Trump’s tweets “Potentially Misleading” in accordance with their new fact-checking policy. Twitter may skip reviewing individual tweets and just label Trump’s account “Totally Misleading”.

Chrissy Teigen told her 29 million Instagram followers that she’s getting her breast implants removed. She received over a million comments from creeps asking if they could have them.

Dairy Queen unveiled a vegan Dilly Bar — it’s non-dairy chocolate covering three brussels sprouts on a stick.

Ford created software for police cars that heat the interior to 133 degrees for 15 minutes to kill disease-causing germs. Cops can hit the switch, go sit in Dunkin Donuts for a while, then return to a disinfected car and a more cooperative perp in the backseat.

A judge refused to immediately accept Lori Loughlin’s guilty plea and prison term in the college admissions scandal, choosing instead to render his decision at a Very Special Sentencing Episode on August 21st.

City of Philadelphia officials are moving 50 to 100 homeless people from an unused baggage claim area at Philadelphia International Airport during the pandemic. The people will be bused to various locations, but somehow their bags ended up in Miami.

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Six spectators were injured at the Tour Championship golf tourney when lightning struck a nearby tree. It was originally believed four people were hurt, but it was God yelling “fore” as the lightning came crashing down.

Hasbro Toys acquired Death Row Records – launching G.I. Joe’s long-awaited foray into battle rap.

Faith-based feature film ‘Overcomer’ earned $8 million at the weekend box office. It’s the story of a high-school athletic coach and churchgoer who can’t stop ejaculating.

Plagued with injuries over his last several seasons, Indianapolis Colts QB Andrew Luck announced his retirement at age 29. Luck was asked if he planned to remain in Indianapolis, but was gone before the question was finished.

Disney announced they’ll be opening Disney Stores in Target locations. Disney fans are excited, since many can’t afford travel to Disneyland or Disney World to shoplift there.

Not to be outdone, Walmart plans to open Yosemite Sam Stores in their gun departments.

A woman claims her soon-to-be-ex-spouse – a female astronaut – accessed her online accounts and stole her identity while aboard the International Space Station. The accusation is amazing, but not as amazing as having reliable high-speed Internet in outer space.

Epcot Center will open a new ‘Ratatouille’ experience for guests in its France pavilion. It’s just the same rats in the kitchen, but now they’ll let visitors see them.

Cocaine worth over $1 million was found in boxes of bananas shipped to Safeway grocery stores in Washington state. Police believe there are other shipments, since several Safeway stockboys are now driving Escalades.

Las Vegas’ Hooters Hotel & Casino has been sold to a hotel chain from India. They say they’ll remove the Hooters brand, but still offer terrible chicken wings you’ll regret eating the next morning.

 

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President Trump cancelled his trip to Denmark because the Prime Minister rejected his offer to buy Greenland, and to avoid all of Denmark’s pesky cancer-causing windmills.

XFL, the new pro football league launching in February 2020, debuted its eight team names and logos, to the delight of children in destitute third-world nations who will be wearing licensed XFL apparel following the league’s April 2020 bankruptcy.

T-Mobile customers reported an outage lasting several hours, where calls and text messages failed. Most customers were angry, but loser guys liked having a few extra hours of hope that the hot girl might be trying to text them back.

Vast sections of the Amazon rainforest in South America are on fire. The lone bright spot amidst this environmental tragedy is seeing brave monkeys in firefighter outfits.

Lori Loughlin, awaiting trial in the Operation Varsity Blues college admission scandal, told a friend she thought a half-million dollar bribe was like donating for a library – whatever those are.

The U.S. Labor Department negatively revised jobs added from April 2018 to March 2019 by 500,000. They say the number was right at the time, but a half-million people realized how badly they were getting ripped off delivering for Grubhub & Doordash.

Larry King’s wife Shawn, responding to his divorce filing, will not contest it, saying “I’m not going to fight a dying man” – adding it’s easier to take money off a dead man.

Former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer is considered a longshot to win Dancing With the Stars. This, despite his extensive experience dancing around the truth.

MoviePass exposed thousands of unencrypted credit card numbers to potential hackers. Although subscribers are more worried about others finding out they went to see ‘Dora And The Lost City Of Gold’ without children.

Russia launched a humanoid robot to the International Space Station as part of a test program for a new transport rocket. Fedor the Robot can’t wait to get to the space station to hijack it and murder all of the other astronauts.

 

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Shopping malls losing retail tenants are increasingly filling the vacant space with doctor’s offices. This is great news if you want to get a cute new outfit before your appointment with the hot dentist, or if you have a heart attack while mall walking.

On its next scheduled mission, SpaceX will launch an Adidas soccer ball and green slime into outer space. They’re hoping it will help to lure out an 8-year-old who ran away from the International Space Station.

A note passed to a Domino’s Pizza employee at a New Mexico store led to the rescue of a kidnapped woman. Her captor allowed her to enter the store to get a takeout pizza, when she gave the clerk a note indicating she was a captive. The note added “P.S. your pizza sucks.”

Hawaii Rep. Tulsi Gabbard said that California Senator Kamala Harris was “not qualified” to be President — kicking off the first Democatfight.

Lifetime channel will produce a follow-up to their hit investigative series ‘Surviving R. Kelly’ — tentatively titled ‘Washing The Pee Off’.

Komiko Love, a single parent known as ‘The Budget Mom’, shared how she eliminated $77,000 in debt in 8 months. She created a strict system of tracking income and expenses, and sold her son.

A Florida man in a Captain America t-shirt was recorded masturbating in front of a female security guard at a gated community. The guard asked him to cover up with his Vibranium shield until more sober Avengers could take him home.

Viral video shows a bison at Yellowstone National Park charging and tossing a 9-year-old girl in the air, after becoming agitated at tourists standing too close. The girl was treated and released, and the bison used a nearby tree trunk to realign his horns.

The House of Representatives voted 429-3 to advance the Stopping Bad Robocalls Act, aimed to reduce unwanted telemarketing calls. The three dissenting voters said they held out because they want to hear more about these zero-percent interest rate credit cards.

A new AAA study claims older drivers are more easily distracted than younger drivers by in-car technology, taking 4-to-8 seconds longer to interact with dashboard systems. AAA claims some systems are poorly designed, while others have no outlets to plug in a Walkman.

FBI agents raided Biological Resource Center in Phoenix, a body-part donation bank, and found a cooler full of detached penises.  Agents removed them from the cooler and they got a lot bigger.