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Big Lots is closing 40 stores. They’re transferring inventory to other Big Lots stores which are now Bigger Lots.

Sea lions chased people off of a beach near San Diego. Wildlife experts claim it’s because the sea lions want a place to mate. So the male & female sea lions asked all of the good-looking beachgoers to stick around.

Snoop Dogg will carry the Olympic torch in Paris, but the trail behind him will smell more like Amsterdam.

After an embarrassing performance of the National Anthem at baseball’s All-Star Game, singer Ingrid Andress said she was drunk and was checking in to rehab. Even more embarrassing, she asked when she could see Lebron James play there.

A one-pound bluefish dropped from the sky and broke the windshield of a parked Tesla in New Jersey. The subsequent insurance claim was voted Most Likely To Be Turned Down By The General.

New Jersey Senator Robert Menendez said he’ll resign after being found guilty of corruption, but added it’s not, like, the worst thing a Menendez ever did.

U.S. Secret Service Director Kimberly Cheatle resigned following criticism of their protection of Donald Trump. In the meantime, the Secret Service will provide Trump with a large bulletproof hamster ball for upcoming public appearances.

Following his decision not to seek reelection, President Joe Biden will address the nation from the Oval Office tonight, just as soon as the crew from Allied Van Lines finishes packing up the room.

A 47-year-old fifth grade teacher from Horsham, Pennsylvania was arrested after being accused of masturbating in two different public places. Counselors were made available to students after what they described as “the worst health class ever”.

Britain’s Prince William was officially named Patron of the U.K. Football Association, the entity controlling all of the nation’s pro, youth & disabled teams. Like American counterparts, his first act was to declare he needs a new stadium that the public pays for.

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Netflix is phasing out its $11.99 Basic plan. Soon you’ll no longer be able to Netflix & Chill with a Basic bitch.

Joe Biden dropped out of the Presidential Race and will no longer seek reelection. He will, however, serve out the remainder of his term and continue to receive Secret Service protection from his dogs.

Cardi B. expressed excitement at the possibility of VP Kamala Harris being elected, saying she was sick of having a WAP – White Ass President.

Donald Trump said he was saved “by luck or by God” in his recent assassination attempt. “Definitely luck”, said God.

JD Vance’s wife, Usha, is the target of racist banter because of her Indian heritage. Donald Trump defended her, saying he’ll happily let her occupy Vice Presidential living quarters depending on how her credit report looks.

Israel President Benjamin Netanyahu is visiting Washington, and said his country will remain an ally of the U.S. no matter who replaces Biden, so long as they’re cool with bombing civilians in hospitals.

Delta Airlines cancelled more flights as it struggles to recover from the Microsoft/Crowdstrike outage. Meanwhile Spirit Airlines said they’re running at a full schedule with drunken cheapskate passengers pummelling each other in Crowdstrikes over armrests and whatnot.

Cuba said one million citizens left the country in the past two years. They also said there’s a nationwide shortage of tires because they’re all being used to make rafts to leave Cuba.

By the end of the week, all NFL players will be expected to report to their team’s Training Camp, or to the remaining dates of Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour.

A Nigerian man played mobile game Dream League Soccer 2023 for 75 consecutive hours, setting a new Guinness World Record. Observers called it every bit as exciting as watching real-life soccer.

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A Texas man changed his name to Literally Anybody Else so that he could announce his candidacy for U.S. President. He has yet to choose a running mate, but is leaning toward Whatever Dude and Who T.F. Cares.

A new study finds young people get most of their calories from processed food. Seizing the opportunity, Oscar Mayer plans to expand the Lunchables line to Breakfastables, Dinnerables and Snackables.

Joe Biden tested positive for COVID. Democrats are recommending he quarantine until at least the middle of November.

Ford will spend billions to expand large pickup truck production in a plant it had originally had planned for electric cars. They’ll also expand production of Truck Nutz in a plant originally intended for EV Nutz.

Amazon Prime Day drove a record $14.2 billion in sales, an 11% increase over 2023. A slightly lower 10% increase was recorded in delivery driver heat strokes.

Costco is selling an “apocalypse bucket” with food that will last 25 years. The bucket contains 80 entrees & sides, 30 breakfast servings, 40 powdered drink servings, and an Uber Eats Apocalypse coupon for when it runs out.

Kris Jenner underwent a hysterectomy to remove an ovarian tumor. Her boyfriend Corey Gamble said the worst part of her recovery was “not hooking up for two weeks”. And the second-worst part was “losing camera time to the tumor”.

An account on gaming website Steam which was believed to belong to Donald Trump’s assassin was determined to be fake. However an account belonging to him was verified on Out Of Steam.

Tiger Woods arrived to compete in The Open Championship in Scotland – as host course Royal Troon opened up a four-day pop-up Perkins Pancake house for him to spend time with hostesses.

14-year-old Cavan Sullivan made his Major League Soccer debut in the 85th minute for the Philadelphia Union in their 5-1 victory over the New England Revolution. Gracious Philadelphia sports fans say they’ll wait at least until he’s 16 before telling him he sucks.

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Burberry hired their fourth new CEO in 10 years to help turn around the struggling apparel & accessories retailer. “Maybe we give paisley a try!” he said, and was fired.

Artificial intelligence ChatGPT was asked who would be the best replacement candidate for Joe Biden. No word yet on whether Taylor Swift would accept the nomination.

Trump-appointed federal judge Aileen Cannon threw out the classified documents felony case against him, saying it was unconsitutional. She then offered Trump use of her shredder.

A bandaged Donald Trump appeared at the Republican National Convention, as thousands of delegates and attendees cheered his name within earshot.

Lindsay Lohan & Jamie Lee Curtis are reprising their 2003 roles as filming commences on Freaky Friday 2. In it, the now-adult Lohan character switches bodies with her daughter, who spends the next 80 minutes looking for cocaine.

New Balance announced a partnership with the WNBA, in the hope of expanding the fan base among senior lesbians who lack anything in common with many players beyond that one thing.

Trader Joe’s ‘Everything But The Bagel’ seasoning is banned in South Korea because it contains poppy seeds. When mature, poppies are used to make opiates. It’s also banned in North Korea at Trader Un’s.

A food safety scandal is rocking China, as a major state-owned food company is accused of transporting cooking oil in the same tankers as fuel, without cleanings in-between. Consumers are worried about fuel contaminating their food, but drivers are kind of happy that their car smells like a wok.

Los Angeles Dodgers slugger Teoscar Hernandez won the 2024 MLB All-Star Home Run Derby. The contest was highlighted by the early elimination of well-known players, and the elimination of singer Ingrid Andress from consideration singing the national anthem ever again.

Princess Cruises broke a world record for the largest pizza party, serving 60,000 slices of pizza simultaneously across multiple ships. Then they set sail and subsequently broke the record for largest oceanic vomit patch.

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A study finds users of weight loss drug Wegovy maintain lower weight for up to four years – but are advised to hang on to those old pants just in case.

Joe Biden offered to debate Donald Trump with specific conditions, including that there not be an audience, that microphones cut off after alotted speaking time, and that the whole thing is wrapped up before 7pm bedtime.

McDonald’s is ending their policy of free drink refills, and reminding everybody they never had a free french fry refill policy to begin with.

Tree ring analysis was used to determine 2023 as the hottest summer in 2000 years. Then the scientists were arrested for cutting down 2000-year-old trees.

Graduates of Dyouville University in Buffalo, New York were given a commencement address by a robot using artificial intelligence. The robot told them to hurry up and leave town before winter.

Walgreens is offering its own cheaper version of opioid overdose drug naloxone. You get one free with every 10 oxy contin refills.

Google CEO Sundar Pichai demonstrated the company’s new Gemini AI, which has been updated to share more information, interact with others, find objects around the house, make schedules and do shopping. When he was done, dozens of single men & women proposed to Gemini.

The Portal – identical sculptures in Dublin & New York connected via live streaming video – has been temporarily shut down due to on-camera users flashing body parts, and because kids in both cities skip school to visit it hoping to see women & men flash body parts.

The sun shot out its biggest solar flare in two decades – then rolled over and lit a cigarette.

A Florida dentist faces calls to lose his license after publicly calling Jews “worse than Nazis” and calling on Allah to ‘annhilate’ them. Worse, he had the statements printed on the free toothbrushes he hands out to patients.

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An Alaska Airlines jet carrying pets arrived at its Portland, Oregon airport gate with its cargo door already open. People living near the airport said it was raining cats & dogs.

Senator Katie Britt admitted the human trafficking anecdote she shared to criticize President Biden’s immigration policies happened before his presidency..and was actually the movie Taken.

The FDA finally outlawed brominated vegetable oil, an ingredient in citrus sodas banned in most other countries that contibutes to metabolic disease. Recall notices were being prepared for Mountain Dew Lemon-Lime Thyroid Blast.

A new study finds diets that mimic fasting five days a month lowers biologic age. Study participants say they haven’t felt this great since they were starving five years ago.

Pope Francis suggested Ukraine show “the courage of the white flag” and give in to Russia. He also suggested altar boys show “the courage of the White Claw’ and party with him at his place.

Oppenheimer won seven Oscars including Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actor, Best Supporting Actor, and most frequently mentioned film that people said they loved but couldn’t finish.

$2.99 Trader Joe’s canvas tote bags are reselling for hundreds of dollars online. They were originally made to help customers collect the pieces that fall off their car when it gets hit in the Trader Joe’s parking lot.

Dan Hilferty, CEO of the parent company of the NHL’s Philadelphia Flyers, said the team will pay a $50,000 fine incurred by head coach John Tortorella for arguing with referees. Hilferty heard from Donald Trump, who said he’s a huge Flyers fan and was wondering if Hilferty wanted to pay off any of his judgments.

Princess Kate Middleton apologized for Buckingham Palace releasing a modified photo of her & her family, attributing it to her “experimenting with editing”. The Kardashian/Jenner family then apologized 50,000 times for every photo they’ve ever shared.

A human resources expert tells CNBC that they spend “25 times” longer reviewing LinkedIn profiles versus resumes. And another “50 times” longer than that getting ready to fire people.

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An all-woman crew flew a United Airlines flight from Newark, NJ to Sarasota FL to honor Women’s History Month. The flight arrived in 83-degree Sarasota, slightly cooler than the flight where the crew set the thermostat to 90 degrees.

A United flight lost a tire shortly after takeoff from San Francisco en route to Osaka Japan. It returned, made an emergency landing, and waited three hours for AAA.

Comcast’s President Mike Cavanagh listed his 13,000 square foot mansion in the Philadelphia suburbs for $8.495 million. It has 5 bedrooms, 11 bathrooms, a pool, and living quarters for the guy who fixes his cable tv and internet.

National Guard troops were deployed to New York City to deter rising crime in the subway. Several Guardsmen were working undercover, masturbating with their pants down.

Congress is considering a ban on TikTok unless its Chinese parent company sells it. They’re concerned over China harvesting personal data, and demand that an American company buy it and harvest personal data.

Children are being treated in hospital emergency rooms after eating melatonin gummies – but only after getting the best sleep ever during math class.

Republicans and Democrats alike criticized GOP Rep. Katie Britt’s State of the Union response delivered from her kitchen. They say her tone was uneven, lacked agressiveness, and was interrupted multiple times by her husband asking if dinner was ready yet.

A South Carolina woman is allergic to water and even her own sweat and is rarely able to shower. She’s found a social media group of others with similar conditions, who occasionally have outdoor meetups because no businesses will let them indoors.

Gonorrhea cases in Europe nearly doubled year-to-year, and other STDs like syphilis and chlamydia are also increasing. Health officials blame an overall increase in riskier sexual activity, and French schools teaching Unprotected Sex Education classes.

A daughter posted on Reddit that her Mom is miserable, and wants to buy her a sexual affair as a Mother’s Day gift. After several hours, Reddit was back up & running after crashing due to the wave of replies from Reddit incels.

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Starbucks says it’s redesigning its cafes with “persons with disabilities in mind” – so people in wheelchairs will find it easier to do drugs in the bathrooms.

Lionel Richie said leaving Madonna off of ‘We Are The World’ was a mistake – but not as big a mistake as having Bob Dylan on it.

Abraham Lincoln allegedly pardoned Joe Biden’s great great grandfather after he stabbed a man in a brawl. Hunter Biden is hoping his great great dad will do the same for him.

High tailwinds caused multiple transoceanic passenger jets to break the sound barrier at speeds over 800mph. Meanwhile, Boeing admitted their 737 Max 9 jets get their doors – literally – blown off at half that speed

Former YouTube parenting influencer Ruby Franke was sentenced to four years in prison for child abuse. Asked if she had anything to say prior to sentencing, she asked the judge to hit those Like and Subscribe buttons.

Tridentinosaurus antiquus, the fossilized remains of an ancient reptile found in the Italian Alps in the 1930s, was determined to be a fraud. Researchers determined the fossils dark shading was created with paint, and the reptile’s jaw shouldn’t have contained bubble gum.

Companies are increasingly using artificial intelligence to review applicant resumes. Although, since it’s a human resources job, it doesn’t require a lot of intelligence.

An alligator at a Nebraska zoo needed emergency surgery to remove 70 coins from its stomach. None of the 70 Nebraskans got their wish.

Almost every area of California is under flood watch. Many Californians are disappointed to find their homes aren’t worth more now that they’re waterfront property.

A horse was spotted running on Interstate 95 outside of Philadelphia. Police and animal experts eventually tracked down the horse and returned it to the owner along with $800 in traffic tickets and unpaid EZ Pass tolls.

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A transgender Michigan woman lost a court case when a judge ruled she could not sue her ex-boyfriend for humiliation she suffered when he discarded her removed testicles. Ironically, the judge said she had a lot of balls for even trying.

A new Gallup poll finds married people report being much happier in life. Although some experts say the poll is biased because single people were too busy having sex and doing cool stuff without kids to finish it.

Oakland, California businesses are closing or moving at an unprecedented rate because of violent crime. It’s so bad, Major League Baseball’s Oakland Athletics are moving to Las Vegas because they can’t play home games on account of all the stolen bases.

Joe Biden criticized a special counsel report on his mishandling of classified documents, calling him an elderly man with a bad memory. Biden says his memory is fine, and if you don’t believe him, ask that black guy he worked with for a few years, O’whatshisname.

Grammarly is laying off 230 employees, starting with the guy who emailed his co-worker “I think their laying me of”.

Taylor Swift tripped on stairs and nearly fell onstage during her Tokyo concert. Fans are eager to hear The Tortured Poets Department special bonus track “Cheap-Ass Japanese Steps”.

A Centers For Disease Control report claims teens are increasingly using drugs and alcohol for stress relief. Teens used to stress out about getting drugs and alcohol, but thankfully there’s DoorDash.

Culture & entertainment website Vulture ranked all 122 Billy Joel songs. They were going to rank all 121, but Joel released ‘Turn The Lights Back On’ last week that landed at #122.

The film ‘Miller’s Girl’ – about a male high school English teacher’s affair with a female student – is drawing attention to a sex scene between 52 year old actor Martin Freeman and 21-year-old actress Jenna Ortega. While many have called it “gross” and “inappropriate”, many high school teachers called it “accurate”.

A 20-year-old female prison guard was arrested after having sex with an inmate at the men’s jail. The man said at first he thought she was a lawyer after offering to help him get off.

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A new study finds ultra-processed foods can be as addictive as drugs. The study followed 200 individuals who entered rehab after Slim Jim overdoses.

During its Sugar Bowl broadcast, ESPN aired a crowd scene from New Orleans’ Bourbon Street where a woman flashed her bare breast. ESPN apologized, but said if viewers wanted to see more boobs during football, tune in to Chris Berman and Booger McFarland.

‘The Bachelorette‘ alum Rachel Lindsay’s husband Brian Abosolo filed to end their four-year marriage, after discovering she’s starring in the pilot episode of ‘The Divorcee’.

The U.S. national debt hit a record $34 trillion, leading to Joe Biden’s government credit card being rejected at Starbucks.

The NFL fined Carolina Panthers owner David Tepper $300,000 for throwing a drink on Jacksonville Jaguars fans during his team’s loss. He must also attend training at a Philadelphia Eagles game to learn how to properly throw a drink at someone.

A 13-year-old in Oklahoma claims to have ‘beaten’ Tetris, reaching level 157 before crashing the game in 38 minutes. He also broke the game’s high-score record, and the record for the longest time anyone from Oklahoma has used a computer.

A winter storm could deliver the Northeast U.S. first significant snow accumulation in 2 years. The National Grocery Store Association raised their bread & milk accumulation threat level to Code Orange.

Golden Bachelor Gerry Turner, 73 and fiancee Theresa Nist, 70, said they want all the women contestants from the show to attend their televised wedding, along with family, close friends, and several EMTs.

A Florida man was arrested after attempting to take a 4-year-old boy in Walmart, and unsuccessfully arguing with customer service for a raincheck.

Utah officials are investigating the death of a man at Salt Lake City airport who climbed into the jet engine of a parked aircraft. He had a boarding pass for a flight to Denver, and instructions from Frontier Airlines on where to sit when flying standby.