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Justin Timberlake was arrested and charged with driving while intoxicated in The Hamptons. Timberlake was unaware there’s been a sobriety checkpoint at the end of Billy Joel’s driveway for the last 35 years.

Today marks Juneteenth – when word of the Emancipation Proclamation resulted in the freedom of enslaved blacks. In 2024, several Abe Lincoln impersonators were hospitalized after marching down the streets of large cities holding banners reading “You’re Welcome!”.

Philadelphia convenience store chain Wawa rolled out its annual Hoagiefest promotion, with retired Eagles All-Pro Jason Kelce & wife serving as spokespersons. They share their ‘go-to’ Wawa hoagie order, which they give to the homeless so they don’t have to eat it.

Massachusetts experienced a statewide 911 outage. The timing couldn’t have been worse as first responders were unable to treat drunks falling off tables and light poles celebrating the Boston Celtics NBA Championship.

With record heat expected to continue throughout the summer, electric bills are projected to increase by 8 percent. Spousal brawls over the thermostat are projected to increase 80 percent.

Russia and North Korea entered a mutual defense pact, with Russia promising to assist in the event another country invades North Korea to steal their poverty and nothingness.

Tropical storm warnings were extended in to Texas. Waves will reach near-record highs, so immigrants entering the state illegally are advised to try surfboards.

During a recent Rolling Stones tour stop in Philadelphia, frontman Mick Jagger explored the city, spending 20 confused minutes at a cheesesteak shop saying “what do you mean ‘wit’ mate?”

In Bensalem, Pennsylvania, six volunteer fire companies are consolidating – setting the stage for what could be the world’s largest-ever pancake breakfast and chicken barbecue.

Billy Ray Cyrus shared an alleged handwritten note from his estranged wife, Firerose, where she asks for a reconciliation just days after accusing him of verbal & emotional abuse. Cyrus refused, claiming to be both too achy and too breaky.

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For the first time, scientists observed a wild orangutan chewing a medicinal plant, then placing it on its own face to treat a wound. The orangutan tried the plant thing after figuring out that wiping his poop on the wound didn’t help.

The blue rock thrush – an extremely rare bird – was spotted in Oregon, the first-ever North American sighting. Meanwhile, bird watchers reported thousands of sightings of the classic rock thrush at an REO Speedwagon concert.

Tiger Woods accepted an exemption from the United States Golf Association and will participate in this year’s U.S. Open. It’s the first time he’s needed an exemption since 1996, before he banged his first restaurant hostess.

Peloton laid off 400 employees and the CEO is quitting. They’ve been offered severance, and an instructor to yell “come on! you can do it!” at them.

New Jersey parents filed a lawsuit after their 5-year-old daughter’s arm was stuck in an elevator door. After the lawsuit, they expect their bank balance to be Going Up!

With Indiana Fever star Caitlin Clark joining the league and drawing a huge airport crowd at a game in Dallas, players are once again calling for private air travel instead of commercial. League owners are balking, asking WNBA players how many other people making $75,000 a year they know who fly on private jets.

Shares of Novo Norodisk, maker of weight loss drug Wegovy, dropped 7% after releasing first quarter results. The CEO had to remind everybody that declining numbers aren’t always a good thing.

A Pennsylvania man awaits sentencing from Turks & Caicos after mistakenly bringing live ammunition on a vacation there. While he hopes to avoid jail time, prosecutors assured him he’ll be housed in an all-inclusive resort.

A North Carolina couple said their 3-year-old daughter’s insistence that a ‘monster’ lived in her bedroom wall led to the discovery of 50,000 bees. “See, there’s no monster, now go to sleep” said the parents.

South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem falsely claims in a new book she met North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un while serving in Congress, ‘staring him down’. She is now backtracking saying she stared down the delivery driver for Jong Kim Un’s korean barbecue when they delivered the wrong order.

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Country singer Kacey Musgraves collaborated on a $56 candle with company Boy Smells…since Gwyneth Paltrow already had the candle market for Girl Smells cornered.

Singapore reportedly paid Taylor Swift millions to be the only nation in Southeast Asia hosting her Eras Tour. Nonetheless, North Koreans called watching Kim Jong Un in a blonde wig lip-syncing to three hours of her songs ‘the greatest concert ever’.

Kanye West was told he couldn’t perform shows in Europe, Australia & Asia because of his ‘controversial image’. There’s that, and those countries’ shortage of blacks.

Good news: a new study finds taking daily fiber supplements improves brain function in adults 60 & older in a matter of weeks. Bad news: the seniors now do all their best thinking while on the toilet.

Donald Trump supporters are allegedly creating AI deepfake pictures of him with black people to convince them to vote for him. They say it’s working, but others don’t believe that’s really him playing in the NBA All-Star Game.

A man died of Vitamin D toxicity, according to an autopsy showing he had lethal levels of milk & sunshine.

Spirit Airlines & JetBlue cancelled their merger plans .. and about 100 flights each just to show they were back to business as usual.

A 42-year-old resident of Wales broke a world record with 69 different tattoos of rabbits on his body. He started in 2009 with two, and they’ve rapidly multiplied in the years since.

Three American Bald Eagle eggs are set to hatch in Southern California, with livestream cameras set up to capture the unique event. Although bird watchers are furious that they have to subscribe to the mother bird’s OnlyFans to see it.

The NFL is considering moving touchbacks to the 35 yard line of the receiving team, in order to encourage more kick returns to keep the ambulance drivers and concussion specialists busy.

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Today is September 12th – the day after the National Day of Remembrance – the day where it’s officially OK To Forget for another 364 days.

Demi Lovato was revealed as Anonymouse on the season premiere of The Masked Singer. Judges quickly guessed her identity after she sang, and after she told judges she identified as a non-binary rodent.

Escaped fugitive Danelo Cavalcante reportedly was uninjured after a homeowner shot at him during a break-in and burglary where he stole a .22-caliber shotgun. The homeowner is hoping he returns so Cavalcante can show him how to improve his accuracy.

McDonald’s is phasing out self-serve soda stations, citing fewer dine-in customers and food safety concerns after several customers suffered Dr. Pepper overdoses.

North Korea President Kim Jong Un arrived in Russia via his armored train – The Little Engine That Could Sell Ballistic Weapons to Vladimir Putin.

Jamie Lynn Spears joined this season’s celebrity competitors on Dancing With The Stars. Meanwhile, older sister Britney will continue posting Instagram videos on Dancing With Handfuls Of Prescription Drugs.

Reports of host Jimmy Fallon’s toxic behavior on The Tonight Show have spurred a ‘Bring Back Conan’ (O’Brien)’ movement from social media users citing his kind behavior. When O’Brien inevitably refuses, the movement is expected to shift to ‘Bring Back Anyone But Jay Leno’.

A dog is recovering at a veterinary facility after being rescued from an on-ramp construction area of Interstate 95 in Philadelphia. The dog was injured after flipping off several motorists who wouldn’t let her merge.

Susanna Gibson, Democrat candidate running for Virginia’s House of Delegates, reportedly streamed sex with her husband on porn site Chaturbate. She’s trailing her Republican rival in a recent poll, but is in front of her husband’s pole in the videos.

A male New Jersey high school teacher who resigned after posting nude photos of a female student on a ‘revenge porn’ website accepted a new teaching job in a different district. In New Jersey’s public school system, you take whoever you can get.

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Microsoft laid off hundreds of workers across multiple product departments, including Microsoft Cut From The Teams and Microsoft Bleak Outlook.

Actress and multiple sclerosis advocate Selma Blair retired from ABC’s Dancing With The Stars after MRIs found too much stress on her bones. Earlier, reality tv hag and ex-convict Teresa Giudice was released from the show after both MRIs & judges discovered two left feet.

Pop-punk band Blink 182’s Mark Hoppus said he tried buying tickets to his own band’s reunion tour but couldn’t, because Ticketmaster’s dynamic pricing algorithm wouldn’t let him complete the sale. He received an error message stating that he blinked and missed Blink.

Pete Davidson is reportedly texting Kim Kardashian for a “thoughtful reason” – seeing that she’s okay amidst Kanye’s latest meltdowns, and because he ‘thought’ she might still reply with nudes.

A 33-year-old woman hoping to promote women’s contributions to science created over 1,000 Wikipedia biographies for “unknown female scientists”. Not surprisingly, they’re all still unknown.

Etsy is actively selling Jeffrey Dahmer-themed apparel with slogans life ‘Jeff Boyardee’ and ‘Choke Me Like Bundy, Eat Me Like Dahmer’. This creates a conflict because, while the items are tasteless, they’re actually some of the only Etsy merchandise people want to get as gifts.

Drew Barrymore said that she’s “not a person who needs sex”, leading to several male & female interns on her talk show quitting.

The Catholic Church’s Diocese of Chicago asked Rev. Michael Pfleger to resign after another allegation of sexual misconduct surfaced from over 40 years ago. Pfleger said he’d think about it and make a decision after the annual altar boy fall picnic.

A Philadelphia Eagles fan snuck into the on-field tunnel and ran on to the field with the team ahead of their game against the Dallas Cowboys. Players thought he was a Make-A-Wish recipient, but he was even more drunk than most Make-A-Wish kids.

Donald Trump allegedly showed a classified letter from Kim Jong Un to a journalist, setting off an investigation to his handling of documents. Although in Trump’s defense, the journalist wondered why Korean barbecue recipes were classified.

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Russia is “almost certainly” getting weapons from North Korea in support of their invasion of Ukraine. This, according to Ukrainian soldiers who’ve found discarded Russian guns with the price tags still on them from Un’s Sporting Goods.

The NBA suspended Phoenix Suns owner Robert Sarver for one year and fined him $10 million for workplace misconduct – including using the N-word and making sex jokes. He’ll be required to attend sensitivity training where NBA players teach him to use proper language and respect women.

New York Fashion Week featured runway shows with models and pets wearing matching outfits. Although to prevent fights the shows required both a catwalk and a dogwalk.

Queen Elizabeth’s body arrived at Buckingham Palace to lie in state. She’s been dead for almost a week, so Procter & Gamble will mark the occasion by spraying the area with new Royal Family Febreze.

Actor Ryan Reynolds broadcast his colonoscopy – marking the first time someone’s been further up his ass than Ryan Reynolds himself.

New York Jets Head Coach Robert Saleh said he’s ‘keeping receipts’ of everyone trashing the team after their season-opening loss at home to the Baltimore Ravens. The Jets announced several new hires on their accounting staff to help keep track of thousands of receipts.

A new study finds that one-hour nature walks reduce stress compared to one-hour walks in busy cities. The study results were delayed because city walkers in Chicago & Philadelphia couldn’t complete the full hour without getting shot.

A 19-year-old North Carolina man was arrested for drunk driving after an 18-year-old woman fell out of the golf cart he was operating and died. He was charged with DUI, vehicular manslaughter, and holding up several foursomes behind him.

Wheelchair bound residents at a home for military veterans in Taiwan were given a performance by a stripper, who gave several of them lap dances and gonorrhea.

An exploding package that injured a Northeastern University worker contained a note criticizing Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg. Police are looking for a Facebook user whose People You May Know includes Ted ‘Unabomber’ Kaczynski.

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McDonald’s shut down restaurants in Russia, citing the “needless human suffering” of people eating at McDonald’s in Russia.

A new study links concussions in young people to ongoing mental health issues – proving that parents really are slapping their kids silly.

Charles Entenmann, founder of Entenmanns Bakery, died at age 92. He’ll either be cremated, or baked at 350 degrees until a toothpick comes out clean.

Memphis police say a man disguised himself as a Walmart employee and loaded stolen TVs into accomplice’s vehicles. A store manager knew something was wrong when he saw what appeared to be a Walmart employee actually assisting a customer.

As deaths from COVID approach 1 million in the U.S., some are advocating for a COVID Memorial Day. It would be like the other Memorial Day, but honoring mostly dopes who were scared of needles.

Kohl’s is adding Sephora mini-shops to 75% of its stores, but management warned investors to be patient, saying Sephora can only sell makeup to Kohl’s shopper-moms, not miracles.

North Korea’s Kim Jong Un warned of “grave consequences” after senior officials were fired for failing to enforce the nation’s strict COVID prevention guidelines. The officials said they couldn’t handle the surge in COVID-positive residents because they ran out of bullets.

A former Texas “Teacher Of The Year” – fired for showing students a picture of her female fiance – settled a lawsuit with her former school district for $100,000. The kids each received $10,000 because the fiance isn’t very cute.

The U.S. Senate passed a bill overhauling the United States Postal Service – which was then delivered by a Post Office letter carrier to the Lincoln Memorial instead of the House of Representatives.

Uber Eats announced new ‘Group Ordering’ and ‘Bill Splitting’ features, allowing multiple people to stiff the driver on their tip.

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Superhero blockbuster film ‘The Batman‘ will not be released in Russia. Theatre owners there declared a war crime over the studio’s plan to replace it with showings of ‘Tyler Perry’s A Madea Homecoming‘.

Katy Perry walked off the set of American Idol in protest after Lionel Richie passed on sending Aretha Franklin’s granddaughter Grace to the next round of auditions. Instead of Grace getting his R-E-S-P-E-C-T, Richie socked it to her, socked it to her, socked it to her…

The WNBA fined the New York Liberty $500,000 for flying the team on charter aircraft, because all teams aren’t wealthy enough to afford it. Other teams use the league’s official airline, Spirit, and are required to serve drinks in-flight.

100 diplomats walked out of Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov’s speech to the United Nations in Geneva. They were protesting Russia’s invasion of Ukraine, and also heard lunch was ready.

The International Taekwando Federation stripped Vladimir Putin of his black belt following Russia’s invasion of Ukraine. North Korea’s Kim Jong Un said this does not affect their planned tag-team appearance at Ruthless Dictator Wrestlemania.

Tiny, autonomous two-wheeled robots made in Mexico will be sent to the Moon to study its surface and gather samples to see if areas can be mined for precious minerals. The robots will be identifiable by their Mexican flags, fuzzy dice and statue of Mary on the dashboard.

Negotiations continue between Major League Baseball owners and the MLB Players Union, with both sides hoping to reach a new working agreement, and avoid anyone actually having to watch USFL games instead.

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell said there isn’t room in the Republican Party for white supremacists. At least not until midterm election results come in for Mississippi, Alabama, and other southern states.

Hulk Hogan is now officially divorced from his second wife, Jennifer McDonald, who cited Irreconcilable Hulkamania.

A possible case of deer-to-human coronavirus transmission is being investigated in Canada, now that the couple is quarantining after their honeymoon.

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Northern Ireland outlawed smoking in cars with children on board. Irish toddlers are now wondering what to do with their free hand while drinking a sippy cup of Guinness.

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un is shown having difficulty descending a flight of stairs in government propaganda film ‘The Great Year of Victory, 2021‘. Kim’s next movie role will be in ‘The Execution Of The Guy Who Used To Make The Propaganda Films’.

Economists are issuing warnings as the U.S. national debt hit $30 trillion for the first time. President Biden is screening calls from a Chinese guy who called his January envelope “a little light”.

The entire U.S. federal prison system was placed on lockdown after a gang altercation at a Texas prison resulted in two inmate deaths. Visitors were advised to go home, remove the contraband from their rectums, and try to smuggle it in again next week.

Active shooter emergencies were declared Tuesday at a Minnesota high school and a Virginia college. Everything is cool at nursery schools and kindergartens.

Some of the Trump White House documents turned over to the January 6th Committee had been ripped up by Trump, including Oval Office memos, meeting agendas, and incorrect TV Guide Crossword Puzzles.

People are brushing their teeth less during the pandemic, according to a new study of workers taking afternoon Zoom calls with lunch stuck in their teeth.

6,000 people were ordered to evacuate a one-mile radius around a burning North Carolina fertilizer plant, for fear of a devastating ammonium nitrate explosion. Officials haven’t been this concerned about damage from exploding crap since Taco Bell introduced the Double Chalupa.

Netflix announced it’s raising prices to $19.99/month. “Amateurs” said Comcast Chairman Brian Roberts.

NASA plans to retire the International Space Station before 2031 by crashing it into the Pacific Ocean. They’ll defray the operating cost starting in 2026 by renting it out on AirlessBNB.

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Shares of Peloton stock tumbled as the company revealed it’s halting production of exercise bikes & treadmills for several months. However, online classes remain full, as discarded equipment in landfills is a hit with overweight bears & raccoons.

A new report from the World Health Federation claims no amount of alcohol is good for the heart – a study disputed by writers of country songs.

Mars, Incorporated said its animated M&Ms characters will become “more inclusive”. Peanut now identifies as Plain.

A Rhode Island man who faked his own death to flee a rape charge was apprehended in the U.K. He’ll be returned to the U.S. alive, but in a coffin.

The power of Tonga’s volcanic eruption and tsunami may dwarf that of nuclear weapons, according to experts. North Korea’s Kim Jong Un announced he’s successfully designed and tested a volcano.

Instagram is testing paid subscriptions for content, with prices ranging from 99 cents/month to watch Kim Kardashian have sex, to $100/month to keep from seeing anything any Kardashian or Jenner does.

Rocker Meat Loaf passed away. No autopsy is planned, but a funeral home worker discovered he was marked ‘Best by 1/19/22’.

The North Penn School District outside of Philadelphia is investigating a video of a teacher taping a mask to an unruly student’s face. If he’s fired, United and American Airlines each plan to offer him a job as a flight attendant.

New York City’s new mayor received his first paycheck in Bitcoin and Ethereum cryptocurencies. “Hope it works out better for him” said dozens of the city’s panhandlers who’ve been fooled by this payment method.

‘Tiger King’ zoo owner Jeff Lowe is moving his big cat zoo to Mexico after it was banned in the U.S., although he may bring the tigers back to the states occasionally with balloons full of heroin in their rectums.