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Internet sleuths speculate fugitive Brian Laundrie is hiding beneath the backyard garden at his parents house, adding he may be dead, but he’s there pushing up daisies and tomatoes.

Huntington Beach, California is set to reopen after a massive oil spill closed the beach and damaged wildlife. Local lawyers purchased billboards saying they’re ready to sue for slip-and-fall injuries on the shore.

North Korea’s Kim Jong Un called on officials to improve the living conditions and food availability for citizens, saying North Koreans aren’t even living long enough for him to execute them.

Dr. Anthony Fauci says it’s okay for Americans to trick-or-treat on Halloween, but to exercise caution. Not because of COVID-19, but because it’s a Sunday, and Dads giving out candy are probably drunk after watching football and could fall on children.

Plus-size women slammed ‘Dancing With The Stars’ pro Lindsey Arnold for saying her new athletic wear line is for “all women” -since sizes only go up to Large. Arnold responded to ask XL & larger women what their workouts are, and they never answered.

The creators of mascot Phillie Phanatic settled their lawsuit with the Philadelphia Phillies, who redesigned the Phanatic in 2020 after being declared non-binary, with a chosen pronoun of “it”.

Raising Cane’s fast-food chicken locations are so short of workers, 250 of their 500 corporate office employees are staffing the restaurants. The other 250 are chasing and killing chickens.

Former Trump campaign adviser Corey Lewandowski is reportedly banned from all Trump properties and events after sexually harrassing a woman at a September fundraiser. Lewandowski was reportedly drunk, and Trump demands employees remain sober while sexually harrassing women.

Drugmaker Merck asked the FDA for emergency approval for its COVID-19 pill, saying it would help those who prefer pills to vaccines, and that it could be secretly slipped in to the drinks of anti-vaxxers.

Kim Kardashian West reportedly asked comedian friends Ellen Degeneres, Dave Chappelle, James Corden & others for help with her Saturday Night Live debut. Joe Piscopo is still waiting for his phone call.

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Doctors treating a teen girl in China for five days of constipation found 100 tapioca ‘bubble tea pearls’ in her abdomen. She was given laxatives and told to prepare herself for the worst string of pearls she’ll ever get.

Joe Biden made a campaign stop in Iowa, calling President Trump an ‘existential threat’ to the country. Trump, also in Iowa, said Biden should know better than to throw five-syllable words around in the nation’s heartland.

Kevin Durant of the Golden State Warriors rejoined the team for their Game 5 NBA Championship win over the Toronto Raptors, but left the game with a ruptured achilles tendon. The achilles tore when Durant told it he wanted to try playing defense.

A mental health facility is suing actress Amanda Bynes for an unpaid bill. Bynes said she’d be crazy to pay it.

Kim Kardashian West shared a photo of daughter North wearing a fur coat, adding that she’s had all of her favorite fur coats remade with fake fur. “Thanks” said the families of dead chinchillas.

United Airlines said its ConnectionSaver tool is now available to let passengers with tight connections possibly hold their departing flight. United said 14,400 passengers in four months had their connections saved, and they can’t wait to start gouging passengers for using it.

Siam Corner Thai Kitchen in Stamford, CT was closed when a decomposing human body in an apartment over the restaurant leaked through the ceiling. No foul play is suspected, despite the body being covered with ice and liberally sprinkled with MSG.

Investigators believe California’s biggest wildfire, the Mendocino Complex Fire, was caused by sparks from a rancher plugging an underground wasp nest with a metal spike. The rancher will not face criminal liability for the fire, but was charged with 100 counts of waspicide.

New York City police are seeking a woman with a baby strapped to her chest and pushing a stroller, who punched a subway passenger in the face for bumping into her. Witnesses say the woman’s baby asks permission before breast feeding.

Uber debuted a new self-driving vehicle, the latest step in its quest to make cheapskate passengers feel better about not tipping.

 

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A Washington state man allegedly hiding drugs in his rectum accidentally shot himself in the testicles with a gun hidden in his pants. Police told him he had the right to remain silent, because they were afraid of what he had hidden in his mouth. [story h/t to J.O.]

Cable giant Comcast is developing an in-home device that monitors health and provides help when it detects users having a serious medical episode. By ‘help’, it means allowing you to pay your final bill with voice commands before you die.

Sylvester Stallone kept the two pet turtles – ‘Cuff’ and ‘Link’ – from the original Rocky film in the mid-70s, and reports that they’re each alive and 44 years old. Like Stallone, they’ve each been married and divorced several times.

Brian Hickerson, boyfriend of actress Hayden Panetierre, has been hit with a restraining order following a domestic violence arrest. He’s been ordered to stay 100 yards away, but was given a telescope so he can see the 4-foot-11-inch actress from a distance to make sure he’s complying.

Students from the University of Southern California’s Rocket Propulsion Lab are the first in-school team to send a rocket outside of Earth’s atmosphere. Hollywood celebrities took note and are paying six figures to get their kids on USC’s Rocket Team.

Paramount Pictures pushed back the release of Sonic the Hedgehog three months, to February 14, 2020. The added time is needed to update Sonic visual effects, and for a marketing campaign touting it as the Perfect Valentine’s Day Breakup Movie.

Retired NFL QB Donovan McNabb told TMZ he believes he should be in the Pro Football Hall of Fame, since he has better career numbers than Dallas Cowboys’ HOF QB Troy Aikman. McNabb concedes that Aikman has more Super Bowl rings, but he out-vomited Aikman in Super Bowls.

Kim Kardashian West and Kanye West are reportedly attempting to trademark the name of their newest child, Psalm. If successful, churches will no longer be able to refer to Psalms by name, instead calling them ‘good ol’ catchy prayers from the back of the Bible’.

Simon Cowell said he’s lost twenty pounds on a vegan diet. He says he feels great and is still a huge dick.

Amazon is now offering free tours of its Fulfillment Centers, so visitors as young as 6 years old can learn how corporate slavery works.

 

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Hackers have exploited Google Chromecast streaming devices, using the hack to put anything they want on a Chromecast-equipped screen. “See, babe, I TOLD you that’s how the gay porn got there!” said a man who wasn’t a hacking victim, to his wife.

Nancy Pelosi was sworn in as Speaker of the House while surrounded by her own grandchildren and dozens of other children – also known as U.S. Representatives.

The Labor Department released a robust jobs report; the U.S. economy added a whopping 312,000 jobs in December, well above what economists expected to build toys for Santa.

Herb Kelleher, founder of Southwest Airlines, passed away at age 87. His body will be transported to his hometown, free of checked baggage fees.

Vicente Sambada Niebla, son of Sinaloa drug cartel leader Ismail Zambada Garcia, testified at the trial of Juan ‘El Chapo’ Guzman for five hours about how the cartel operated. Stunned by the betrayal, his father’s lawyer asked Vicente if he’d lost his head, to which he replied “not yet”.

Despite the government shutdown, the IRS stated that U.S. citizens will still be required to file their fraudulent tax returns.

Researchers trying to determine if it’s worthwhile to screen newborns for hundreds of genetic mutations have not yet determined if the screening is useful, since the mutations they identified still can’t predict whether babies will cry on airplanes or have a meltdown in a grocery store.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West announced they’re planning to have a fourth child, delivered via surrogate birth mother, and then via courier, since they’re both pretty busy on the due date.

A Florida man was arrested and charged with attempted murder for shooting his wife and her parents after seeing a video of the wife cheating with his best friend. The parents regretted their choice for Family Movie Night.

Anna & Lucy DeCinque, Australian women who call themselves “the world’s most identical twins”, say they plan to both get pregnant by their shared boyfriend and, if the law allows, marry him. The boyfriend, Ben Byrne, endorses the plan, saying it’s a great way to get laid twice without having to figure out which sister is which.

 

 

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CIA director Gina Haspel briefed Congress on the murder of journalist Jamal Khashoggi, leading some lawmakers to say they had no doubt the killing happened with the knowledge of Saudi crown prince Muhammad bin Salman. President Trump, who saw the same information, likes bin Salman’s evil twin, Floyd, for the crime.

The Secret Service is testing a facial recognition surveillance system outside the White House. Right now it only recognizes ‘Orange’ and ‘Everybody Else’.

A Phoenix man claims that someone hacked into his Nest security camera and used it to talk to him. The hacker asked when his wife was getting dressed for work.

Special Counsel Robert Mueller recommended leniency for former national security adviser Michael Flynn, based on what Mueller’s team called Flynn’s ‘substantial contributions’ to the investigation. Mueller’s team added they don’t know who else will be able to do as good as Flynn fetching coffee.

A Hollywood Reporter article states that nobody wants to host the 91st Academy Awards. Jimmy Fallon offered to do it, but the Academy said the show is already too long before adding 90 minutes of sing-alongs and party games.

Married rappers Cardi B and Offset announced they’re splitting up. They’ll share custody of the jewelry.

Snowboard gold medalist Shaun White, riding in first class on a recent flight, posted an Instagram video shaming a passenger behind him with their bare feet resting on the back of his seat. White asked followers to tag someone who would likely do this, then sexually harassed the passenger for the remainder of the flight.

Crowdsourcing advice site Quora announced a security breach. Worse, the top-rated Quora Expert response to “How do I protect my information?” was “Send your social security number and date of birth to this email address….”

Kanye West apologized after being called out on Twitter for staring at his cell phone during the Broadway premiere of ‘The Cher Show’. West was chastised by the actor playing Sonny Bono, who was upset Kanye missed ‘Sonny’s’ big scene skiing into a tree and dying.

A Quicken survey of 1,000 married couples’ Christmas shopping behavior found that 1 in 5 forgot to buy their spouse a Christmas gift. Those people were then added to next year’s Quicken survey of 1,000 divorced couples’ Christmas shopping behavior.

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Kim Kardashian West said on ‘Keeping Up With the Kardashians’ that she was on ecstasy when she made her infamous sex tape. Her sex tape co-star, Ray J, was also on ecstasy that day — a stripper named Ecstasy. 

British researchers published a study claiming that increased use of self-driving cars could lead to more sex on the road — making Uber rides even more dangerous for women when the drivers don’t have to worry about steering. 

Rihanna’s fans were upset by singer Chris Brown – who’d been charged with felony assault for hitting her 10 years ago – commenting on Rihanna’s sexy topless Instagram photo. He posted an ‘eyes wide open’ emoji after deleting his original comment ‘can’t beat that!’

New Jersey police removed a man from Cheerleaders strip club in Gloucester City after he bought $150 in lap dances despite having only $11 cash — ten loose dimes and a roll of quarters that bruised one of the dancers.

General Motors announced it’s closing four manufacturing plants and terminating 15% of salaried executives to generate $6 billion in cash flow. Shares of GM rose 5% on the news; Christmas lists of GM workers’ kids were slashed 40%. 

The Washington Post reports President Trump is now focused on the ballooning federal deficit – deepening in large part due to his tax cuts – and ways to fix it. Aides say his top idea is to declare bankruptcy, close the U.S.A. and reopen under a new name. 

A husky dog missing from its home in Brooklyn, New York for 18 months was found outside of Tampa, Florida and will be returned home. The dog is just happy to get our of Florida, but is happy he got the opportunity to vote while he was there. 

The U.S. Postal Service confirmed that they exposed the data of over 60 million users. Hackers, however, are having difficulty monetizing the names and addresses of old people mailing birthday & sympathy cards. 

Hospitals in China are denying they delivered the first gene-edited babies, after reports of their birth surfaced from MIT and the Associated Press. “These are just your ordinary, run-of-the-mill, blue-eyed blond haired Chinese babies” said a hospital exec. 

Smash hit video game Red Dead Redemption 2 is launching its online multiplayer game in beta. Players can now shoot other cowboys in the Old West, or, if that doesn’t work, they can move to Florida and shoot whatever they want. 

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A 2007 video from Jimmy Kimmel Live resurfaced. The video shows Andy Dick groping the leg of Ivanka Trump. In case you ever wondered what Andy Dick has in common with President Trump.

A Maryland man who bought legal fireworks in Pennsylvania was hospitalized after a mortar tube exploded, causing catastrophic injuries to both hands. The man is expected to start practicing with his new hooks by calling customer service at the fireworks store.

Amazon is expanding Prime Day to 36 hours. They got the idea when they realized that so many of their two-day shipping orders arrive in four days.

Authorities cleared visitors from the Statue of Liberty after a woman, Therese Okoumou, protesting the Trump Administration’s immigration policies climbed the base of the statue and refused to come down. She was eventually brought down and described by medical personnel as “tired, poor, and yearning to breathe free.”

Melania Trump reportedly earns six-to-seven figure royalties from a photo licensing deal with Getty Images, where her pictures are to be used only in “positive” news stories. When pressed about the exact sum Melania has made, a spokesperson said “almost as much as she made from her topless nude pics.”

Microsoft is planning to introduce ‘Dark Mode’ to its Outlook web mail service. The dark theme – originally introduced as a trial on Halloween – became a hit for its use with corporate clients announcing mass layoffs.

The Barton 1792 Distillery in Kentucky, which partially collapsed in June along with 9,000 barrels of bourbon, has now completely collapsed, officially making the catastrophe a double.

Kim Kardashian West tried wakeboarding on the 4th of July, sharing a video online with the caption “This is way harder than it looks!” — the same thing she said while filming her sex tape.

Netflix is reportedly testing out a new $16.99 “Ultra” tier of service.  “With PORN?” asks men. “No.” said Netflix. And men were sad.

Cities in the western U.S. like California and Nevada are so dry and concerned about brush fires that they cancelled 4th of July fireworks and replaced them with nighttime drone shows. But for old times’ sake, the drone are still blowing a few people’s fingers off.

 

 

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TBS host Samantha Bee is facing criticism for calling Ivanka Trump a “feckless c*nt” – while liberals scramble to look up the meaning of “feckless”.

A deadly E.coli outbreak tied to romaine lettuce has passed, and prices for romaine have dropped by more than half while growers are losing millions of dollars. The only lettuce with year-over-year sales growth is butter lettuce, which faces its own backlash from obese dieters over its misleading name.

Brett Bland, a fired car salesman in Texas is suing his former dealership, saying his boss repeatedly pinched his nipples and forced him to breathe ‘soiled air’ after farting in his office with the door closed. Bland is seeking unspecified damages against his former employer, Junior High Locker Room Acura.

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are reportedly returning $9 million worth of wedding gifts. Per royal protocol, they are not allowed to keep any of them, especially not the PlayStation that Harry had squirreled away in the Princecave.

Meghan’s father, Thomas Markle, denied reports that his famous daughter is financially reporting him, although he admitted that the one time he reached out for money, she only had $5 in Deal Or No Deal briefcase.

Discount retailers Dollar General and Dollar Tree both posted disappointing earnings reports to Wall Street. Executives for each of the chains blamed the results on poor people.

Kim Kardashian West met with President Trump at the White House to discuss prison reform, including clemency for Alice Johnson, a non-violent drug offender serving a life sentence. Kardashian did not comment on rumors that the President said “I’ll free your Johnson if you’ll free mine.”

Trump said that the two had a great meeting, most of which he spent staring at the back of Kim’s skirt, or, as he calls it, the Oval Office.

Benje Choucroun, a 13-year-old writer from Time for Kids, asked press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders what the Trump administration was doing to help keep schools safe. Sanders answered the question, as Choucroun arrived back home to see a Tweet calling him a “diaper baby for the failing fake news Time for Kids.”

Andrew Tornetta, a man arrested for allegedly punching a Philadelphia police horse after a playoff game, is suing the police and the Philadelphia Eagles. Tornetta’s lawsuit claims cruel and unusual punishment, citing the 12 hours of community service he completed picking up trash while being force to wear an Eli Manning jersey.

Charlotte Fox, a 61-year-old lifelong mountain climber who survived a blizzard while climbing Mount Everest in the late 90s, died after an apparent fall down her stairs at home. First responders say she was not wearing her safety harness at the time.

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Kim Kardashian West is scheduled to meet with White House officials to discuss prison reform. She’ll show them how to fund reform projects with videos of prison sex.

Roseanne Barr blamed sleep aid Ambien for the racist tweets that got her tv show cancelled. Drug maker Sanofi defended their product, saying it works better when you mix it with alcohol.

Valerie Jarrett, target of the tweet in which Roseanne compared her to an ape, suggested that Roseanne’s firing be a “teaching moment”, to get more Republicans hooked on Ambien.

President Trump heard that ABC Networks President Bob Iger called Jarrett to apologize for Roseanne’s tweet, and himself tweeted that he never got an apology call from Iger for all of the horrible things said about him on ABC. In response, the heads of ABC, NBC, TBS, Comedy Central, HBO and others will apologize for every Trump joke, which will tie up the President through the 2020 election.

Singapore Airlines will restart the World’s Longest Nonstop Flight on October 11th, from Singapore to Newark. The flight will take nearly 19 hours, or 30 if you’re seated within a few rows of a baby.

Ivanka Trump left a conference call about health & fitness after a reporter asked a question about President Trump’s fitness regimen. A White House spokesperson said that Ivanka was scheduled to leave, and that her assistant capably replied “what fitness regimen?”

Madeleine Dye, 106, of South Yorkshire England, says her old age is credited to independence and avoiding stress that comes with relationships. Although Dye said avoiding relationships isn’t much of a problem for her now.

Researchers at the University of Toronto claim that most over-the-counter vitamins offer little to no benefit to cardiac health, a claim disputed by a fourth grader who skipped a week of Flintstones vitamins and had a heart attack on the monkey bars.

Rep. Diane Black, a Republican candidate for Governor of Tennessee, blamed grocery store pornography for the recent spate of school shootings — unaware that, thanks to the Internet, no one under age 50 has bought porn in a grocery store since 1997.

A research study commissioned by food company Farm Rich says that American teenagers spend 1,000 hours thinking about food during their teenage years. A similar study of Syrian teenagers said they spend every hour thinking about food and not dying.

 

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The Producers Guild of America approved guidelines for combating sexual harassment in the entertainment industry. The guidelines ask that each production be vigilant in preventing harassment, that whistleblowers be protected, and that producers keep their whistles in their pants.

Delta Airlines says they’re cracking down on passengers’ emotional support animals; this, following a mid-flight argument between a flight attendant and a pug who wanted the whole can of Alpo.

  • United Airlines says they’re also cracking down on animal companions; only by ‘cracking down’ United means they’re breaking the animal in to pieces and sending it on to baggage claim with no further explanation.

Cape Town could be the first major city in the world to run out of water. Residents must limit their showers to one-and-a-half minutes. “No problem!” said Cape Town men who like to have sex in the shower.

Singer Ed Sheeran announced that he was secretly engaged. Fiancee Cherry Seaborn announced that she secretly called it off.

Former ‘Jersey Shore’ star Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino arrived in a New Jersey court to plead guilty to tax evasion. He’ll film a ‘Jersey Shore’ reunion before returning to court as Mike ‘Five Years In The Joint’ Sorrentino.

Kim Kardashian West and Kanye West named their new baby daughter ‘Chicago’ — leaving pregnant sisters Kylie and Khloe to duke it out between ‘Detroit’ and ‘Cleveland’.

Baltimore Mayor Catherine Pugh fired the crime-ridden city’s Police Commissioner Kevin Davis. Davis was reportedly given just a few minutes at his office to clean out his unregistered guns and bribes.

A new Boston University study concludes that chronic brain disease CTE isn’t caused by concussions, but rather by repeated hits to the head, even without concussion. The study authors warn parents to be vigilant looking for CTE symptoms in children who are athletes, or frequent noogie recipients.

President Trump, addressing the ‘March for Life’ event, called on the U.S. Senate to outlaw abortions after 20 weeks.  “Sure, if that includes your term” said Democratic Senators, in what observers of burns are calling ‘a layup’.

Congress was unable to avert a U.S. Government Shutdown. Callers to the White House received this voice message: “”Unfortunately, we cannot answer your call today because Congressional Democrats are holding govt. funding, including funding for our troops and other national security priorities, hostage to an unrelated immigration debate. Oh, and if this is Grubhub ask the guards to take the Big Macs inside.”