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A 7-year-old was caught vaping CBD oil at a Wisconsin grade school. The vape device was confiscated, and a teacher gave the student a few Marlboros to get through the day.

During a meeting on Syria, President Trump called Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi “a third-rate politician” in what Pelosi described as a “meltdown”. The House then passed a measure to give the President a time-out, but Senate leader Mitch McConnell refused to vote on it.

Chicago school teachers are planning to strike, leaving 360,000 students without the education they need to become successful gang leaders.

A new form of yoga, “rage yoga” combines traditional poses with alcohol, cursing and obscene gestures. Rage yoga formed when someone left the tv in a yoga studio turned on and tuned to a Philadelphia Eagles game.

Massimo Giannulli, husband of Lori Loughlin and codefendant in their college admissions scam trial, lost both of his parents this year. “It’s been a hard time” says a source close to the family. “Well, kinda” said Lori.

The United States men’s national soccer team lost to Canada for the first time in decades, and a hockey game didn’t even break out.

Flip or Flop’s Christina Anstead said that her six-week old newborn son, Hudson, will sometimes cry for hours straight. She said she’s tried everything to get him to stop – from changing the wall color to the flooring – and nothing’s worked.

An Iowa man found his basement flooded with five inches of fat and blood that had leaked in from a neighboring meat locker business. He was urged not to throw it out by Guy Fieri, because that’s where all the flavor is.

Researchers claim losing large amounts of weight later in life may increase the risk of premature death from heart disease. The study was funded by fat Italian grandmothers who think you look too skinny.

Six siblings in the Netherlands spent a decade in a basement bunker literally waiting for the end of the world before one escaped and ordered beers at a local bar. He chugged the beers after saying “it’s Doomsday somewhere.”

 

 

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President Trump cancelled his trip to Denmark because the Prime Minister rejected his offer to buy Greenland, and to avoid all of Denmark’s pesky cancer-causing windmills.

XFL, the new pro football league launching in February 2020, debuted its eight team names and logos, to the delight of children in destitute third-world nations who will be wearing licensed XFL apparel following the league’s April 2020 bankruptcy.

T-Mobile customers reported an outage lasting several hours, where calls and text messages failed. Most customers were angry, but loser guys liked having a few extra hours of hope that the hot girl might be trying to text them back.

Vast sections of the Amazon rainforest in South America are on fire. The lone bright spot amidst this environmental tragedy is seeing brave monkeys in firefighter outfits.

Lori Loughlin, awaiting trial in the Operation Varsity Blues college admission scandal, told a friend she thought a half-million dollar bribe was like donating for a library – whatever those are.

The U.S. Labor Department negatively revised jobs added from April 2018 to March 2019 by 500,000. They say the number was right at the time, but a half-million people realized how badly they were getting ripped off delivering for Grubhub & Doordash.

Larry King’s wife Shawn, responding to his divorce filing, will not contest it, saying “I’m not going to fight a dying man” – adding it’s easier to take money off a dead man.

Former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer is considered a longshot to win Dancing With the Stars. This, despite his extensive experience dancing around the truth.

MoviePass exposed thousands of unencrypted credit card numbers to potential hackers. Although subscribers are more worried about others finding out they went to see ‘Dora And The Lost City Of Gold’ without children.

Russia launched a humanoid robot to the International Space Station as part of a test program for a new transport rocket. Fedor the Robot can’t wait to get to the space station to hijack it and murder all of the other astronauts.

 

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The unmarked grave of Joseph Merrick – better known as The Elephant Man — has been discovered after 130 years.  They knew it was his because the coffin was really big and misshapen at one end.

It’s Teacher Appreciation Week – so students nationwide are tying ribbons on their middle fingers before they flip ’em up behind their teacher’s back.

Duchess Meghan Markle delivered a 7-pound 3-ounce baby boy at 5:26a.m. local time. She was crowning shortly before, and the baby is a longshot to be crowned in about fifty years.

The owner of disqualified Kentucky Derby winner Maximum Security will appeal the decision. Maximum Security was shown to have jumped over a puddle and made contact with other horses, instead of laying down a blanket so girl horses could safely run through the puddle.

The maker of meatless Impossible Burgers – which will be rolled out to Burger King nationwide – says they’re running out of them. So, for the time being, they’re Nothingburgers.

E! Network cancelled actress Busy Philipps’ talk show. On May 16, they’ll air the last episode of ‘Busy Tonight’, on May 17, she will be Free Tonight.

Hallmark Channel aired new episodes of ‘When Calls The Heart’ without star Lori Loughlin. Hallmark fired Loughlin in the wake of the Operation Varsity Blues scandal, and will base their decision to hire her back on the finale of ‘When Given The Sentence’.

Uber & Lyft drivers plan to strike between 7 and 9a.m. Wednesday, as they seek to guarantee a minimum hourly wage. Women seeking an Uber or Lyft that morning are advised not to get in one that isn’t at least two hours away.

A new study found chemical sunscreens enter the bloodstream after just one day of use. The discovery was originally made after a young woman cut herself the day after visiting the beach and noticed that Coppertone smell.

Planet Fitness said it’s opening 225 new gyms, many in former Sears and Toys R Us locations. They expect to sign up thousands of out-of-shape uncool people who still visit the locations out of habit.

 

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Facebook announced it’s cracking down on personality quizzes, because Mark Zuckerberg keeps failing them.

North Korea billed the United States $2 million for the care of deceased political prisoner Otto Warmbier for the period he was comatose in a North Korean jail. And that’s just the copay.

Aides to former New Jersey Governor Chris Christie were sentenced to prison for their roles in ‘Bridgegate’ – shutting down lanes of the George Washington Bridge out of spite against Christie’s rivals. Christie claimed to have no part in shutting down bridge lanes, saying he was busy closing his arteries.

In a People magazine story, friends of Lori Loughlin say she’s concerned her role in the Operation Varsity Blues sting will ruin her reputation, presumably among those who have never seen her act.

An aggressive squirrel has reportedly attacked “at least” five people in Seattle’s Prospect Park. Meaning, five people are big enough pussies to admit being attacked by a squirrel, and others are proud enough to keep it to themselves. [h/t to J.L.]

A Florida man is lucky to be alive after cutting his hand with a fishing hook and contracting ‘necrotizing fasciitis’ – flesh-eating bacteria that almost caused him to lose his arm or kill him. Meanwhile, his family called the fish they ate for dinner as “not great”.

Emirati woman Munira Abdulla awoke after being in a coma since a car accident in 1991. Her first words after 27 years were “shave my legs”.

BuzzFeed shared an article listing the best times to take a 3-minute bathroom break during the 3-hour long Avengers: Endgame. They suggest “anytime” once you’ve downloaded a bootlegged copy and paused it.

A Pittsburgh-area woman with a restraining order against her abusive ex-boyfriend discovered that he’d been secretly living in her attic for weeks. She told police that she had suspicions, with clues including the toilet seat left up, missing blankets, and a really smelly attic.

The Internal Revenue Service has designated the Satanic Temple in Salem, Massachusetts as a tax-exempt church, so good luck getting Donald Trump to pay taxes on Mar-A-Lago.

 

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A Houston high school issued a dress code for parents visiting the school. Parents entering the school are not allowed to wear leggings that make their buttocks visible, or “Daisy Duke” short-shorts. The rules do not apply to math teachers.

A 35-year-old woman fell into a meat grinder Tuesday morning in Lycoming County, Pennsylvania. She was pronounced dead a short time later, then was pronounced ‘sausage’.

LEGO announced that they will introduce Braille Bricks so blind children can slice open their parents’ feet.

Movie theater chains are planning to remain open around the clock to accommodate demand to see ‘Avengers: Endgame’. Parents call the move “truly affordable daycare”.

Police in suburban Philadelphia are seeking the ‘Red Bull Bandit’ – a man who carries an empty backpack into stores, fills it with Red Bull, then leaves without paying. He is described as a 20-to-30 year old white male and ‘jumpy’.

United Airlines showed off its new ‘livery’ or aircraft branding. It’s a large, blue font with UNITED spelled out across the fuselage, and the tail adorned with silhouettes of a passenger being dragged up the aisle, or a guitar being smashed by a baggage handler.

President Trump tweeted that the New York Times would need to kneel down and beg his forgiveness over their coverage of the Mueller Report.  In the event they decide to kneel and beg, the President offered free instructions from his son Eric.

McDonald’s is partnering with AARP to hire older Americans to work breakfast & lunch shifts, when younger workers aren’t as available. The AARP is partnering with the American Heart Association to keep the new workers from eating the food.

Meghan Markle announced plans to take three months’ maternity leave after the arrival of her & Prince Harry’s baby. Presumably, she needs the time to do something even less than nothing.

Patricia Hill, 69, of Pine Bluff, Arkansas, was convicted of murdering her husband, shooting him after he subscribed to a pornography channel. As she awaits sentencing, her cable provider is working with her to find a different entertainment package.

Martha Stewart addressed the Operation Varsity Blues college admission scandal, saying she feels sorry for Lori Loughlin and Felicity Huffman. Stewart, who served jail time for insider trading, did advise Loughlin & Huffman that if they go to prison, to find the biggest, toughest woman in the cell block and make them a lemon tart.

 

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Bank of America announced it’s raising the minimum wage for employees to $20/hour, except for the dwarfs that live & work inside of its ATMs.

Disney planned to preview its new streaming service to investors, promising to deliver fan favorites like Star Wars & Marvel movies, Pixar animated features, and a lot of really old racist shit.

Bed, Bath & Beyond is closing 40 stores – or beyond.

The Food & Drug Administration approved a new treatment for postpartum depression, called ‘two weeks at grandma’s’.

The White House reportedly wanted detained illegal immigrants released to U.S. “sanctuary cities” to retaliate against Trump’s political foes. The plan backfired when immigrants agreed to return to their war-torn countries instead of risking living in sanctuary city Camden, New Jersey.

Julian Assange was arrested after living in asylum in Ecuador’s London Embassy for seven years. Ecuador said it ended his stay because of improper behavior – accusing him of spying, leaving dishes in the sink and not paying his share of the cable bill.

Upstart professional football league XFL may allow two forward passes on the same play, as long as the ball remains behind the line of scrimmage, and provided they’re not bankrupt after starting play in February, 2020 .

CNN reports that actress Lori Loughlin still isn’t ready to enter a plea deal as a result of mail fraud and money laundering charges from Operation Varsity Blues – saying she thinks bribing colleges is something “any mother would do”, provided they have millions of dollars and a daughter who’s an idiot.

Between 1995 and 2015, the number of kids under age 6 treated for swallowing toys, coins & batteries nearly doubled from 22,000 to 43,000. Doctors are concerned about the toys & batteries, but parents enjoy the modest payout from coins found potty training.

Reality star Kristin Cavallari said her on her E! show ‘Very Cavallari’ that her husband – retired NFL QB Jay Cutler – unclogged her milk ducts by sucking her breasts really hard. It’s the hardest Cutler has sucked since that season with the Miami Dolphins.

 

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A Washington state man was charged in connection with a murder-for-hire plot where he contracted to have his wife killed, but the killer murdered her sister by mistake. He’s charged with conspiracy, and illegally demanding a buy-one-get-one-free murder.

An American Airlines flight attendant spilled a tray of drinks on the company’s CEO Doug Parker. Parker then asked if he could have a full can of soda and she said no.

An 80-year-old New York City man was arrested for the 1973 murder of two women in Virginia Beach. At his arraignment, he said he would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for those meddling teenage relatives sending DNA to Ancestry.com.

Lori Loughlin now faces money laundering charges in the college admission scandal. A judge spent 20 minutes telling her that the charge was for sending money to a fake offshore charity, and not like the time D.J. put her wallet in the washing machine.

A social media columnist has coined the phrase “cloaking” – a form of “ghosting” where you not only stand up your date, but also block them on every social media and dating app. In other words, it’s how you treat your parents, except for the date part.

A Quebec family returning from a road trip to Florida kept driving to Canada after their 87-year-old patriarch died in the car, to avoid U.S. health care costs. They were pleased with the savings, but angry at being pulled over six times after tying him to the roof.

Uber introduced Uber Vouchers, where participating hotels, restaurants and clubs can place credits in customer’s Uber accounts to help pay for their rides and harrowing assaults.

A burglar broke into Atlanta Braves outfielder Nick Markakis’ Atlanta home last month while he was away, stealing five guns and $20,000 cash. Markakis said he meant to bring at least one of the guns with him to carry while he played right field in Philadelphia.

Walmart is expanding its use of in-store robots for cleaning and inventory, saying they want human workers to spend time interacting with customers. Walmart also said they’re updating the robots software so they’ll steal fewer Xboxes.

Warner Brothers ordered the Trump 2020 campaign to stop using music and fonts from 2013 Batman movie ‘The Dark Knight Rises’ in their promo materials. However, they said Trump can use the Bane mask when he talks so it’ll be harder to understand him.

 

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Self driving cars are now on the streets of Hamburg, Germany. More Hamburg’ers are getting dropped and run over than at a McDonald’s drive-thru.

Apple is dropping the price of iPhones in China. Apple’s Chinese factory workers are worried that decreased profit sharing contributions will create higher out-of-pocket costs for juice boxes.

Lori Loughlin fans gathered at a Boston courthouse as she faced felony charges in a college admissions scam. Boston cable tv service was down due to overload caused by the fans all setting their DVRs to record Hallmark Channel while they were out.

28,000 chickens died in a massive fire in rural Berks County, Pennsylvania. Residents nearby wondered why, with that many chickens burning, there weren’t firemen already there.

Former Green Bay Packers coach Mike McCarthy said in an interview his firing by the team was handled poorly – a stark contrast to the majority of people who get fired and think their former employer did a stellar job at it.

Tyson Foods recalled 10 tons of beef patties for possible plastic contamination. Some of the beef had been shipped to school cafeterias, where it had been certified by lunch ladies as “fine with me”.

President Trump claimed in a speech that wind farms cause cancer, citing his own personal experience of wind making his hair fall out.

Ellen Degeneres, responding to Brunei approving stoning executions of homosexuals and adulterers, called for a boycott of hotels owned by Brunei. These include The Beverly Hills Hotel & Hotel Bel-Air in Los Angeles, and an airport Best Western in Newark where the sultans send wives they got tired of.

A new survey in The Lancet states that 20% of global death is linked to poor diet. The Lancet concluded that if Thanos couldn’t obtain all of the Infinity Stones, his backup plan was McDonald’s gift cards.

New research from Sophia University in Tokyo concludes that some house cats are capable of recognizing their own names. They say the cats most likely to respond are those with the given name CanOfCatFoodOpening.

 

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New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft filed a motion to prevent the release of surveillance video of him engaged in sex acts in a Florida massage parlor. Meanwhile, after further review, the NFL replay official confirmed holding below the waist.

The two Boeing 737 MAX 8 jets operated by Lion Air and Ethiopian Airlines, each involved in fatal crashes, were sold without optional safety features that let pilots see the plane was in danger. The feature is called a “windshield”.

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Fox News’ Brian Kilmeade both called for President Trump to stop his insults of deceased Senator John McCain. Trump said he’s only counterpunching insults he hears from McCain during Executive Time.

Lori Loughlin’s daughter, Olivia Jade Giannulli, reportedly didn’t fill out her own college applications. Forensics experts reached the conclusion when verifying her signatures on the applications, where none of the ‘i’s were dotted with hearts or smiley faces.

A 10-foot long alligator was spotted swimming in water behind a woman’s home in Cape Coral, Florida. April is alligator ‘courtship’ season, where they search for partners prior to the May mating season. The woman said she’d like to get to know the gator better before making that commitment.

A new study finds strawberries, spinach and kale contain the highest levels of pesticide residue. Consumers intend to keep eating strawberries, and use the study as a lifelong rationale for not eating the other two.

Costco shoppers in California are posting photos of giant, 2-to-7 pound lobster claws being sold there. Back in the ocean, giant clawless lobsters are getting their tails kicked.

Excessively hot tea is being linked to esophageal cancer. A study followed 50,000 tea drinkers in a remote province of Iran and found nearly 400 had developed cancer. Critics point out that Iranian tea is made by steeping tobacco leaves in boiling puddle water.

Olive Garden posted a solid jump in sales. They attribute the growth to emphasizing classic Italian dishes, which they’ve always avoided making.

The United Nations released their annual ranking of 156 countries based on levels of ‘happiness’. The United States’ happiness ranking fell for the third straight year, and now sits at #19.  “Take that!” said 18th ranked Syria.

 

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Today’s Google Doodle pays tribute to inventor Seiichi Miyake, who invented “tactile pavement” 52 years ago. The blocks with raised dots help the visually impaired navigate busy traffic areas, and help drunk people trip and fall in front of moving trains.

Apple introduced the new iPad Air, which is lighter than the $499 pile of cash you’ll need to pay for it.

Doctors reversed their recommendation to take daily low doses of aspirin to prevent heart attacks in older adults. The move was praised by older women who liked being able to say they still have a headache.

The U.S. government seized one million pounds of pork illegally shipped from China to a port in Newark, in an effort to prevent African swine fever, a disease known to kill pigs. Until further notice, all of New York & New Jersey is out of the pork lo mein.

A town outside of San Francisco is suing the owner of a Flintstones-inspired house, complete with dinosaur figurines from the show, calling it an “eyesore”. The home has been listed for sale for over $4 million, but isn’t getting much interest since it has no electricity or running water, and the toilets are pelican beaks.

A new study claims smoking just one cigarette a day during pregnancy doubles the risk of the baby’s sudden death, probably by house fire or by the baby choking on nicotine gum.

An 8-year-old homeless refugee boy won the New York State Scholastic Chess Championship in the Kindergarten-to-3rd grade division, then promptly hocked his trophy for a Happy Meal. 

Thomas Panek, a blind runner, finished the NYC half-marathon with the help of three guide dogs. Crowds alternately cheered Panek and died laughing at the dogs’ short shorts.

Lori Loughlin is reportedly out of the cast of ‘Fuller House’, leaving producers and writers frustrated over having to scrap a May/December same-sex wedding between Aunt Becky and Kimmy Gibler.

Jerome Kunkel, an 18-year-old unvaccinated student in Kentucky, is suing his school district for banning him from attendance during a chicken pox outbreak. Kunkel and his family are concerned the missed time will prevent his promotion to fifth grade.