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Republicans in the House of Representatives removed Wyoming’s Liz Cheney from her position as GOP House Chair in a closed-door vote. Cheney emerged from the meeting, said the vote was a fraud, and once again gained Donald Trump’s support.

Violence continued between Israel and Palestine, with the two factions trading rocket attacks and air strikes. The U.S. is hoping to broker a cease fire so the two sides can have the annual Israeli/Palestinian All-Star Game.

The NFL releases its 2021 schedule tonight. They’re expected to showcase 17 prime-time games featuring Tom Brady’s Super Bowl Champion Tampa Bay Buccaneers, and special halftime shows featuring Aaron Rodgers pouting in front of a mirror.

Tyson Foods, a leading chicken supplier, claims their current chicken supply shortage is because newer roosters selected for breeding “aren’t meeting expectations”. Tyson hens put it more bluntly, saying “just admit it, they’re gay”.

Los Angeles County records show that Caitlyn Jenner did, indeed, vote in the 2020 election. Jenner has not yet addressed her voting lie, but did release a statement admitting her current shade is not her natural hair color.

General manager Jennifer Lopez confirmed she’s designated Alex Rodriguez for assignment, with the purpose of granting his unconditional release. Lopez also announced designated hitter Ben Affleck has been given a 30-day tryout deal.

Horse trainer Bob Baffert – suspended after Derby winner Medina Spirit tested positive for steroids – admitted the horse was rubbed with ointment containing a banned substance. Baffert’s suspension is upheld, and Medina Spirit was ordered to stop hanging out with Barry Bonds.

Ellen Degeneres will end her daytime talk show after the 2022 season. Ellen informed her staff on May 11th, and promised to make time to belittle each and every one of them before the show ends.

Instagram users can now add pronouns to their profiles. “Is ‘big boobs’ a pronoun?” asked hundreds of influencers.

Frank Sinatra’s home in the California desert is for sale, priced at $4.25 million. It features a 5 bedroom, 5 bathroom main house on over 7 acres, with a pool, a guest house, and the unmarked graves of Teamsters leaders who refused to be bought.

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Dollar General will give employees four hours’ pay to get a Covid-19 vaccine. Then they can use that money to buy four items in the store.

Philadelphia is experiencing a rise in stolen license plates for use by criminals on stolen cars. The dumber thieves are taking the Philadelphia Eagles plates.

The Showboat hotel in Atlantic City converted its entire casino into a gaming arcade, in the hope of attracting more families. In response, Atlantic City hookers working the arcade are offering family rates.

Fans in Los Angeles purchased a billboard asking Marvel Studios to bring Iron Man Tony Stark “back to life”. The billboard replaced one purchased to convince teen runaways to come “back to their families”.

A New York man was arrested after telling a woman he matched with on Bumble that he stormed the Capitol on January 6th. She cancelled their first date where he planned to take her to storm an ice cream parlor.

NASA’s Perseverance rover converted a small sample of Mars’ atmosphere into breathable oxygen. “What stinks?” asked Martians.

Women fully vaccinated against COVID-19 are selling “COVID antibody breast milk” online for $2 an ounce or more. If that’s too expensive, they’re selling “COVID antibody cow’s milk” that they spit in for $5 a gallon.

72 Iowa prison inmates received overdoses of COVID-19 vaccine. They pulled the bars off of their cells with their bare hands and remain at large.

Justin Bieber gave a solo acoustic concert at a California state prison. He was pleased with his performance, but disappointed in t-shirt sales.

A UPS driver is credited with rescuing a 4-year-old boy who became trapped under a 90-pound package. The driver is also credited with leaving the 90-pound package on top of a 4-year-old boy.

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A sequestered jury convicted Derek Chauvin on three separate murder & manslaughter counts in the killing of George Floyd. They returned the verdicts so fast, nobody earned Marriott Points or got to sample the free breakfast buffet.

Fox News’ Greg Gutfeld said he was relieved at the Derek Chauvin verdict because his neighborhood got looted during Black Lives Matter protests over the summer. Greg Gutfeld added that he lives in a Foot Locker.

Peloton refuses to recall their treadmills, despite instances of small children being injured by them. Peloton believes admitting their products hurt kids will harm their upcoming launch of Peloton Tricycles.

A Los Angeles judge ordered that all homeless people on Skid Row be offered housing by the fall. His ruling preceded the groundbreaking ceremony for Skid Townhomes.

Kelly Osbourne said on the premiere episode of her podcast that she’d relapsed after four years sober. Osbourne said she’s sober again, but hopes the ‘cast gets plenty of downloads and that she doesn’t download more martinis.

Six English soccer clubs exited the proposed European ‘Super League’ before it even started, leaving its future in question. However, the Not-So-Super League – featuring your kid’s 6 & under soccer game – is still on for “too early” this Saturday morning.

Pfizer says they’ve found counterfeit COVID-19 vaccines in foreign countries. A company spokesperson reminded health officials that authentic bottles of vaccine don’t have The Flintstones on them.

The parent company of Old Country Buffet declared bankruptcy, citing reduced traffic during the pandemic, and costly legal settlements with dozens of families whose toddlers drowned in the chocolate fountain.

A new study finds poor sleep doubles the risk of sexual dysfunction in women. The study included 1,000 sleeping women poked awake by their partners’ erections.

Queen Elizabeth thanked well-wishers on her 95th birthday – the first since the death of her husband Prince Philip. She said she’ll miss birthday sex, so she may open the closet and dust off the royal scepter.

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Ben Affleck and girlfriend Ana de Armas broke up. A source said they’re at different points in their life – his point is about 30 years ahead of hers.

Pearl Jam reportedly sent threatening letters to U.K. tribute band Pearl Jamm, telling them to change their name and stop selling merchandise. Pearl Jamm’s attorneys say they won’t comply, citing landmark legal case ‘Van Halen v Vann Halenn‘.

A man was discovered living in Chicago’s O’Hare Airport for 3 months, claiming he was afraid to fly home to Los Angeles because of COVID-19. He was arrested, but immediately entered rehab to treat a Cinnabon addiction.

The New York Mets fired GM Jared Porter after discovering he’d sent explicit text messages and photos to a female reporter back in 2016. Porter is expected to begin a new job as Brett Favre’s publicist.

Melania Trump will not follow tradition and give incoming First Lady Jill Biden a tour of the White House living quarters prior to the Inauguration. Melania claimed it wasn’t rudeness, it’s because of Taco Tuesday.

A woman in the U.K. claims that her Gwyneth Paltrow ‘vagina candle’ exploded. Paltrow’s rep said you’re not actually supposed to light it, you just move your hands gently around it until it gets warmed up.

A Canadian teen, lost and separated from his snowmobiling group, told authorities he survived the night by staying in a snow cave that he made. “You mean that we made” said a friendly bear.

Police in Spain discovered two tons of cocaine in a shipment of charcoal. They arrested a drug dealer who really messed up helping out at the fire department chicken barbecue.

The FBI arrested Riley June Williams, 22, accused of stealing a laptop from Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s office during the DC riots. No word on the laptop, other than it has a new high score in Candy Crush.

Tomorrow, the “nuclear football” will transfer from Donald Trump to Joe Biden. Biden hasn’t decided whether he’ll wipe all the New England Patriots autographs off of it.

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Nestle is recalling some pepperoni Hot Pockets because they may contain hard plastic and glass. The contamination was noticed by factory workers, but not a single person eating pepperoni Hot Pockets.

Fiat Chrysler merged with Peugeot to form the 4th-largest global automaker, Stellantis. Get ready to say “my Stellantis broke down”.

In advance of Inauguration Day, Los Angeles Police fortified security at the L.A. Zoo, fearing rioters could break in and wreak havoc by releasing animals. That, and a dozen baboons have been spotted in MAGA hats.

Legendary music producer Phil Spector died in prison; he hit the Wall Of No Sound.

Los Angeles County became the first in the nation to reach 1 million COVID-19 cases. They were on track to hit it a week ago, but traffic to the testing sites was terrible.

The FBI is investigating a report that January 6th D.C. rioters stole a laptop and plan to sell it to Russia. So far, Russians told the FBI they turned it down because they’re grossed out by Ted Cruz’s porn collection.

Donald Trump may issue 100 pardons on his final day in office. Every pardon comes with a Presidential Medal of Freedom, a ‘Be Best’ t-shirt, and the recipient’s choice of monthly auto-pay from checking or credit card.

Parler is back online. “Ok, where were we?…oh, right, violent domestic terrorism” said a group moderator.

Actors union SAG-AFTRA may stop production on Scott Baio/Kristy Swanson movie ‘Courting Mom & Dad’ for violating COVID-19 filming rules. Producers have already warned the film’s release to a bin at Walgreens checkout may be delayed.

German shepherd ‘Major’ Biden was celebrated at his InDogUration, celebrating his upcoming White House appointment as First Dog. He succeeds Tiffany Trump.

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The FCC certified the next generation of wifi. Soon you may notice a speed boost in the signal you’re stealing from your neighbor.

Denmark’s new animated children’s show ‘John Dillermand’, features a man with a gigantic, uncontrollable penis. It airs along with another new animated show about a paraplegic, ‘Mrs Dillermand’.

A University of Tennessee Chattanooga football coach lost his job after calling Georgia’s Stacey Abrams “Fat Albert” on Twitter. Said the university President: “hey hey hey..you’re fired”.

High-end rare-sneaker reseller to the stars, Benjamin Kickz, was arrested and jailed in Miami for felony robbery. He was not placed on suicide watch because the shoelaces are really valuable too.

The Buffalo Bills are reportedly close to finding a naming rights sponsor for their home field, currently called Freezing Cold Dump Of A Stadium.

KFC introduced the KFC Chicken Sandwich, which it calls ‘an upgrade in every way’ over its current Crispy Colonel sandwich. The new sandwich has 20% more chicken, or, 40% of the meat.

The U.S.’ newest national park is New River Gorge National Park & Preserve. Because it’s in West Virginia, it’s the only national park with a licensed concession stand to purchase meth and opioids.

Education Secretary Betsy Devos and Transportation Secretary Elaine Chao both resigned from their Cabinet positions. They’re the first two female Trump appointees to quit on the same day without also filing sexual harassment lawsuits.

Miya Ponsetto, 22, was arrested in California for assaulting a 14-year-old boy at a New York City hotel who she’d falsely claimed stole her phone. She may fight extradition from Los Angeles to New York, until cops lie and tell her its for an audition.

Boeing agreed to pay $2.5 billion in fines after lying to the FAA about the 737 MAX engineering problems. It’s the largest such settlement for airline deceit, at least until Spirit Airlines settles lawsuits regarding their claiming “it’s a great way to fly”.

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New York City officially banned defecating on buses and the city subway. Philadelphia is considering a similar ban, but City Council doesn’t want commuters to change who they are.

Cake Boss Buddy Velastro’s hand was impaled on a steel rod as he tried to fix the pin resetter at his home’s bowling alley. Doctors worked feverishly to pick up the split between his 7th and 10th fingers.

A brain wrapped in tin foil washed up on a Wisconsin beach. It was unwrapped so the federal government could see what it was thinking.

The San Diego Chargers team doctor accidentally punctured QB Tyrod Taylor’s lung while giving him a painkilling injection for bruised ribs. The Chargers are now looking for a new doctor and shorter needles.

Tom Cruise and director Doug Liman will ride a SpaceX rocket into outer space to film a new movie. Though some are questioning why they need the International Space Station to film ‘Cocktail 2’.

Pro tennis players are angry that they must stay at one of two approved hotels in order to play in the French Open. They’re even more angry learning one of them is the Ramada Inn.

California is banning gas-engine car sales after 2035. Dealerships announced killer deals blowing out the last of the 2034 Kias.

A pregnant wife came to the aid of her husband after he was attacked by a shark in the Florida Keys. The man is okay, and the wife refused the shark’s request to touch her belly.

Money Magazine released its 50 Best Places to Live. “Wait, I don’t see us” said residents of Louisville, Portland, Seattle and the hills outside Los Angeles.

A Vietnamese factory was cited for washing 320,000 used condoms and reselling them as new. However, government leaders praised citizens for embracing safe sex and recycling.

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The United States revoked 1,000 visas for Chinese students attending American universities. Coincidentally, 1,000 American students just moved up the curve from D to C- in their Calculus class.

Poison frontman Bret Michaels is selling his Los Angeles home. It’s over 6,000 square feet, with 6 bedrooms, 6 1/2 bedrooms, and a study which didn’t get much use.

A new poll shows the majority of residents in the U.S. four largest cities – New York, Los Angeles, Chicago & Houston – face ‘major financial problems’. Broke, jobless rural Americans are comforted that they can get the ‘big city” experience at home.

Microsoft announced the new Xbox gaming consoles will debut on November 10th. Parents are advised to hide their cash and credit cards starting now.

The City of Los Angeles banned Halloween trick-or-treating, so Hollywood celebrities cancelled their kids’ limos.

Companies developing COVID-19 vaccines say there is a shortage of monkeys available for testing. Donald Trump ordered a ban on monkey imports so those good jobs can go to American workers.

In an attempt to stop open defecation, India has spent over a billion dollars building millions of public restrooms – almost all of which are out of toilet paper.

Maserati demoed its new supercar – the $200,000, 600 horsepower MC20 – at an event without a tree or telephone pole in sight.

The U.S. Air Force is testing robot dogs in warfare simulations. The dogs exit aircraft to scout an area and ensure it’s safe for human soldiers. So far the dogs have performed well, except when the Taliban distracted them with tennis balls.

Tennessee authorities say they’re searching for a tiger that escaped a sanctuary in Knoxville. Residents are told to be on the lookout for a 200-pound cat, wearing a cowboy hat and carrying a guitar.

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China is accusing the United States of spreading fear about the Wuhan coronavirus. Meanwhile, North Korea’s Kim Jong Un announced he cured it.

A newly discovered cannabis compound has been shown to be 30 times more potent than THC, the psychoactive agent in marijuana. It was discovered when a lab technician smoked Snoop Dogg’s hair.

A new video showed that Beyonce and Jay-Z sat through Demi Lovato’s performance of the National Anthem at the Super Bowl. The couple said that’s because somebody usually does a rendition just for them in their luxury box.

The Kansas City Chiefs defeated the San Francisco 49ers to win the Super Bowl. Chiefs coach Andy Reid addressed the media, saying “I’ve gotta do a better job…that one’s on me and my staff” before being reminded that he won.

Google Photos is testing an $8/month subscription service where they send you prints of randomly selected photos. You also have the option of selecting categories like “pets”, “landscapes”, or “the neighbor’s bedroom window”.

Stephen King announced he’s leaving Facebook. It only took him 450 pages.

Six passengers were shot early Monday morning on a Greyhound bus headed from Los Angeles to San Francisco, effectively ending the sing-a-long.

Bernie Sanders said, if elected, he’ll legalize marijuana in all 50 states on Day 1 of his presidency, to the delight of people too baked to bother voting.

Website TheDailyMeal rated Duff’s of Buffalo the best chicken wings in the United States. A spokesperson for Buffalo Wild Wings responded to the article, saying “we’re sorry your tester got so sick.”

Drug kingpin El Chapo’s daughter, Alejandrina, married Edgar Cazares in Mexico. The bride wore a white lace dress, a tiara, and a four-kilo dowry in her bra.

 

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Mary Duggar, 73, grandmother of the tv-famous Duggars, passed away at age 73. She is survived by a list of family members too numerous to go into.

Patricia ‘Tan Mom” Krentcil is hospitalized with pneumonia and is in a Florida intensive care unit in a medically-induced coma. Doctors removed fluid from her lungs and sprayed it back on her skin.

  • Hers is the only bed in Intensive Care located on the roof.

Los Angeles politicians agreed that the city’s homeless population needs more restrooms, so they agreed to build 20 new public libraries.

ABC’s ‘Good Morning America’ visits Philadelphia on Thursday, where it will be called ‘What Do You Want, America?’.

The total number of homes being “flipped” declined in the first quarter of 2019 versus a year ago. Experts say the drop is caused by flippers who quit after figuring out everyone doing it doesn’t get a tv show.

A magnitude 4.0 earthquake struck 20 miles from Cleveland, then left to go shake up someplace fun.

Researchers found the whooping cough vaccine loses effectiveness as kids age. They studied children who didn’t get vaccinated until after age 7, whose parents thought it would be no big whoop.

Rob Kardashian launched the Halfway Dead clothing brand. It’s a skate-oriented brand named after the way Rob Kardashian ended up the one time he tried skateboarding.

Britney Spears shared her conspiracy theory that paparazzi are doctoring photos of her to make her look fat. Fans are backing her up, saying they think their smartphones are doing the same thing.

Nestle, Mars & Hershey have gone back on their promise to ensure that their chocolate is harvested without child labor. Human rights activists call this the worst violation they’ve encountered since the Keebler Cookie Scandal.