By |

Masturbation abstinence ‘nofap’ groups are growing in popularity online. Men say they’re a great way to regain control of your life, and to get awesome ‘please come back to Pornhub Premium’ discount offers.

Real estate website Zillow projects Buffalo, NY to be 2024’s “hottest housing market”, as Zillow experts tried, and failed, to find a better adjective to describe Buffalo home sales.

Rizo Lopez Foods is recalling multiple grocery-stores cheeses including Oaxaca, Blanco Suave, Ricotta & Panela for lethal listeria contamination, which has reportedly already taken the lives of exotic Mexican cheese-eating mice.

Toyota announced plans to build new 3-row, all-electric SUVs in Kentucky, then ship them to states where people know how to use electricity to charge them before they’re sold.

Squatters in Atlanta were arrested for occupying a home and running an illegal strip club in it. The house was eventually listed for sale with 3 bathrooms and 4 Champagne Rooms.

Actor/comedian Kumail Nanjiani said he sought therapy to deal with bad reviews of Marvel’s ‘The Eternals’, in which he co-starred. He got the name of the therapist from Brie Larson, who uses them after every ‘Captain Marvel’ movie appearance.

Kanye West said he’s having difficulty booking arena shows due to his antisemitic rants. But he’s also pretty revved up about his upcoming tour of Iraq, Iran & Syria.

ESPN, Fox Sports & Warner Discovery are teaming up to launch a new streaming service dedicated to sports. Cable companies Xfinity, Spectrum & Cox announced they’re launching a new streaming service dedicated to telling customers their Internet bill is going up.

Travis Kelce’s mom, Donna, revealed that ‘pricey’ multi-million-dollar Super Bowl suites may force her to sit in a ‘regular’ seat. Or, ideally, to just stay home, drink wine and watch the Puppy Bowl without having to hug Taylor Swift every 15 minutes.

For the second straight year, U.S. liquor sales outpaced sales of beer & wine. The spirits industry said sales remain strong because of vodka, tequila, and a surge in the number of healthy livers for transplant.

By |

Heavy metal contamination of applesauce pouches that led to an FDA recall may have been deliberate. Although workers at the applesauce factory thought something completely different when a worker threatened to give people a belly full of lead.

Parents of students at Norristown High School in suburban Philadelphia are concerned about frequent fistfights at the school. Gym teachers say kids prefer doing that in class to jumping jacks & push-ups.

Guy Fieri said he won’t leave any of his money to his two sons unless they each get two degrees – presumably a bachelor’s and a postgraduate. He quickly added that Master’s degrees from Flavortown University don’t count.

Actor Jonathan Majors was found guilty of misdemeanor assault & harassment for attacking his ex-girlfriend, and was immediately dropped as Kang The Conqueror by Marvel Studios. The court failed to accept Majors defense that his girlfriend was wearing a Captain Marvel costume.

Kelly Clarkson showed off her 50-pound weight loss in a snug top & skirt on her talk show, before singing her hit song ‘Since U Been Gone‘ to a hot fudge sundae.

A U.S. Senate report says U.S. terror watchlists are “too broad” and may violate travelers rights. “You’re telling me” said an Iraqi-American dad who’s failed six times trying to fly his family to Disney World.

A dress worn by Princess Diana sold for a record $1.14 million. Meghan Markle immediately sent Prince Harry back to London to see what else his mother might have left laying around.

NASA used a laser to transmit a cat video 19 million miles to Earth. Hearing the good news, astronauts aboard the International Space Station are taking turns using the laser to transmit their boob & dick pics to Earthbound loved ones.

Disney’s Animal Kingdom in Florida welcomed the first African elephant baby born in the park in 7 years. A GoFundMe was started for the baby elephant so it could afford to eat at Disney.

A volcano erupted in Iceland, sending molten rock 300 feet into the air. “Nope” said Santa Claus, crossing Reykjavik off his travel itinerary.

By |

A man inhaled a dental drill bit into his lung while having a cavity filled. Doctors removed it and are now busily filling the six cavities in his windpipe.

A Wisconsin mother of identical triplet boys uses color-coded toenail paint to tell them apart – at least until she finds a tattoo parlor willing to ink the names on their asses.

Banking giant JP Morgan Chase unveiled plans for a new 60-story headquarters tower in New York City, powered entirely by renewable energy. Specifically, harnessing methane gas generated by workers and tourists at hot dog & falafel carts on the block.

A man received a $450,000 settlement after suing his former employer, who incited a panic attack at a workplace birthday party in his honor. The man said he’ll probably never return to work at Chuck E Cheese.

A federal judge blocked the mask mandate for U.S. airlines, giving a victory to airline passengers who want to spit on flight attendants after they punch them.

A Bucks County, Pennsylvania man became the 11th in history to record a perfect score on the original arcade version of Pac-Man. He was recognized posthumously, since he died because they didn’t notice his playing the game while they demolished the abandoned Pizza Hut around him.

Moscow’s Mayor said economic sanctions against Russia resulted in the loss of 200,000 jobs in the city. To make ends meet, tens of thousands of displaced workers are applying to Moscow’s only food delivery service, BorschtDash.

The new trailer for Marvel’s Thor: Love & Thunder has some fans concerned that Thor is gay. And quite a few of them positively thrilled that Thor is gay.

The new USFL premiered over the weekend, with the season kickoff game between the Birmingham Stallions & New Jersey Generals viewed by an estimated 2.95 prison inmates and gambling addicts.

Jury selection started in Blac Chyna’s defamation trial against the Kardashian family. Lawyers are seeking 12 jurors and 2 alternates who can remain impartial while pretending to listen to testimony while staring at boobs.

By |

A woman is banned from an Antwerp, Belgium zoo because her “affair” with Chita, a 38-year-old male chimpanzee, is hindering his acceptance by the other chimps. That, and Chita’s wife is still pretty pissed off.

A Stockton, California man is accused of shoplifting, then running over an employee’s foot with his wheelchair. He remains at large, despite taking five minutes to load into the getaway van after the theft.

Vice President Kamala Harris visited Vietnam to announce a donation of 1 million doses of the COVID-19 vaccine. However, China one-upped her, promising 2 million doses, which are reportedly better because they’re vaccines derived from the same coronavirus they made in a lab.

An Afghan woman gave birth to a baby during her evacuation flight from Kabul. She received requests from 10 other passengers to please shut her kid up.

Estes model rocket company is selling a $69.99 replica of the Blue Origin ship that Jeff Bezos rode into space, if you don’t mind having it appear as though your kid is launching a dildo into the air from your backyard.

New York City’s Police Department will issue new “easier to fire” handguns to rookie recruits, saying the reduced pressure required on the trigger will improve the accuracy of bullets shot at unarmed civilians.

A new study from Montana State University identifies the areas of the U.S. most suitable for the invasive Asian Giant Hornet. They determined the Asian hornets are most likely to settle in areas within a 20-minute delivery radius for decent cashew shrimp.

TikTok has disabled the ability to search “milk crate challenge” and removed some of the videos. TikTok’s spokesman said they’re deleting some of the videos, and urging influencers to stick with eating Tide Pods instead.

Scientists conducted tests revealing that Stonehenge is made from a nearly indestructible ancient material — scones.

Actress Letitia Wright was hospitalized following an on-set accident filming her role as Shuri in the Marvel sequel Black Panther: Wakanda Forever. Wright was not wearing her Vibranium suit at the time.

By |

Actor Dustin Diamond – ‘Screech’ – said his ‘Saved By The Bell’ character should be included in the show’s current reboot. Since he’s already trashed every costar from the original show and made a video of himself naked,  it would be just like high school.

The Dow Jones Industrial average cratered 900 points at the open on Monday, reflecting concerns about the COVID-19 virus on the global economy. In other news, Princess Cruise Lines announced rock-bottom rates on their Going Out Of Business Voyage.

A 62-year-old former Marine broke the Guinness World Record by holding a plank position for 8 hours, 15 minutes and 15 seconds. He was awarded a medal, then a hazmat team burned his shorts and workout mat.

Donald Trump visited India, where he was welcomed at a gala event, then chased out of it for sneaking in and eating sacred Big Macs.

A woman claims she performed oral sex on Cleveland Browns QB Baker Mayfield in a Cheesecake Factory parking lot. Mayfield decided on the sex act after spending 15 minutes looking through her 25-page menu.

Iconic mascot Phillie Phanatic debuted a new look on Sunday – sporting bushier, bluer eyebrows, a blue tail and new sneakers. The team denied the Phanatic received Photox.

A consumer group has 45,000 signatures on a petition demanding that airlines sit families with small children together without paying for seat assignments. Airlines are considering it, but may need to make up lost revenue with ‘crying baby fines’.

California police are investigating a man who drove a Jeep off of a six-story parking garage and crashed it into a neighboring McDonald’s – creating the first-ever “fly thru” window.

A 20-year-old woman and her boyfriend are accused of killing three of their roommates in an argument over rent. A fourth roommate reportedly escaped before they started discussing the cable bill.

Marvel is rumored to be taking over longtime rival DC Comics, after DC parent company AT&T/Warner Bros. objected to a planned fifth-generation “5G” reboot of classic characters. Specifically, a comic where Bruce Wayne switches all of the Wayne Manor & Batcave phones to Verizon 5G.

 

By |

Experts say Philadelphia International Airport may be at risk of flooding from storm surges, based on its proximity to the Delaware River. Philly airport baggage handlers advise travelers to switch to waterproof luggage they can lose and steal.

Coca Cola is introducing AHA, caffeinated sparkling water. It’s a refreshing new way to energize your day with an elevated heart rate and headaches.

New York City Mayor Bill deBlasio faces criticism for a plan where criminals are issued Mets tickets as incentive to show up for court appearances. The criminals criticized the plan, saying they just wanted to show up to go to jail.

Tesla will unveil its ‘Cybertruck’ electric pickup truck on November 21st. It’s ready now, but they’re waiting on rear-window decals of Calvin pissing on a gas pump.

Two million pounds of chicken are being recalled. Whatever they call chicken at McDonald’s these days is not impacted.

Appearing at a Donald Trump rally, Louisiana Senator John Kennedy said of House Speaker Nancy Pelosi “it must suck to be that dumb”. Louisiana Trump supporters replied “oh, we know”.

Aventura Technologies is being investigated for selling surveillance equipment to the U.S. Government that was made in China, but labeled ‘Made in the USA’. It’s being called the biggest fraud bust in the United States since Dolly Parton. [..sorry..]

A report shows Marvel and Star Wars content is the most watched among trial users of new streaming service Disney+.  The least popular content is the Mickey Mouse Anti-Vaping videos.

Sexually transmitted diseases chlamydia, syphilis & gonorrhea have risen in the U.S. for the fifth straight year. The largest number of gonorrhea cases were found in Mississippi – doctors there say many patients don’t get it treated because they can’t spell it.

Oprah released her annual ‘Favorite Things’ list. Topping the list?…the money that companies pay her for putting their products on it.

A 51-year-old man was arrested for groping a Disney Princess at Disney World. The princess was shaken, but otherwise okay, although she said her seven dwarf friends do a lousy job protecting her.

 

By |

Bank of America announced it’s raising the minimum wage for employees to $20/hour, except for the dwarfs that live & work inside of its ATMs.

Disney planned to preview its new streaming service to investors, promising to deliver fan favorites like Star Wars & Marvel movies, Pixar animated features, and a lot of really old racist shit.

Bed, Bath & Beyond is closing 40 stores – or beyond.

The Food & Drug Administration approved a new treatment for postpartum depression, called ‘two weeks at grandma’s’.

The White House reportedly wanted detained illegal immigrants released to U.S. “sanctuary cities” to retaliate against Trump’s political foes. The plan backfired when immigrants agreed to return to their war-torn countries instead of risking living in sanctuary city Camden, New Jersey.

Julian Assange was arrested after living in asylum in Ecuador’s London Embassy for seven years. Ecuador said it ended his stay because of improper behavior – accusing him of spying, leaving dishes in the sink and not paying his share of the cable bill.

Upstart professional football league XFL may allow two forward passes on the same play, as long as the ball remains behind the line of scrimmage, and provided they’re not bankrupt after starting play in February, 2020 .

CNN reports that actress Lori Loughlin still isn’t ready to enter a plea deal as a result of mail fraud and money laundering charges from Operation Varsity Blues – saying she thinks bribing colleges is something “any mother would do”, provided they have millions of dollars and a daughter who’s an idiot.

Between 1995 and 2015, the number of kids under age 6 treated for swallowing toys, coins & batteries nearly doubled from 22,000 to 43,000. Doctors are concerned about the toys & batteries, but parents enjoy the modest payout from coins found potty training.

Reality star Kristin Cavallari said her on her E! show ‘Very Cavallari’ that her husband – retired NFL QB Jay Cutler – unclogged her milk ducts by sucking her breasts really hard. It’s the hardest Cutler has sucked since that season with the Miami Dolphins.

 

By |

Education Secretary Betsy DeVos defended federal spending cuts that would eliminate government funding for Special Olympics. Although insiders say a scaled-back plan is in the works to keep funding the games, while eliminating the pole vault and javelin events.

Rapper Cardi B is under fire for admitting to luring men to hotels for sex, then drugging and robbing them. She claims to have done so while working as a stripper using the name Cos B.

Actress Marcia Cross spoke to People magazine about her recent diagnosis and successful treatment of anal cancer. She was relieved to have avoided surgery, saying “..I am a big fan of the anus!” adding that she meant the body part, not the President.

An Arby’s manager was arrested for fatally shooting a customer with whom she’d argued and who then spit in her face. Arby’s is conducting a full investigation, adding that they’re experienced with restaurant fatalities, just not from gunshot wounds.

Marvel fans are debating whether Avengers: Endgame – with its reported 3-hour runtime – should have an intermission. Producers oppose the idea, although they may splice in a three-minute scene of Captain Marvel and Black Widow talking about how gross it is that Scarlet Witch was sleeping with Vision.

NASA postponed the all-female spacewalk, citing issues finding the correct-sized spacesuits for the astronauts. NASA is now rapidly training 60-year-old Korean women to take the next shuttle up there with a brick of chalk and some pins for tailoring.

Lilly Singh – star of YouTube channel Superwoman – is taking over Carson Daly’s 1:35a.m. NBC talk show this fall. NBC made the announcement so as not to alarm the six people watching.

Viral video shows Pope Francis withdrawing his hand as Catholics in line to meet him at a shrine attempted to kiss his ring. He eventually removed the ring from his hand and attached it to his zipper.

McDonald’s acquired sales assistant software Dynamic Yield. They say that Dynamic Yield’s software will allow them to change digital menu boards to react to environmental conditions – like more coffee on cold days, more ice cream on hot days, and just ordering 3 Big Macs when a large customer is breathing heavy.

NFL owners agreed to expand video replay review to include pass interference. As a result, a bipartisan Congressional committee has drafted a bill to make Sundays from September through December 25 hours long.