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Health officials are concerned that cheerleaders at a tournament in Texas have been exposed to mumps. Worse, officials have to explain to the dumber cheerleaders that boys don’t like girls with big mumps.

Mattel’s Barbie line is introducing 17 new dolls based on Inspiring Women, including artist Frida Kahlo, who is the first ever Barbie to be packaged with tweezers.

President Trump’s legal team won a temporary restraining order against porn star Stormy Daniels, citing numerous precedents of porn actresses using their keen seduction and espionage skills to disarm dozens of Secret Service agents.

The Florida state legislature passed a bill to increase age and waiting period limits on gun purchases, and includes some security measures to arm teachers. Teachers who want to carry guns must be either former military or law enforcement, Armed Forces reservists, or have completed 40 hours of watching Law & Order reruns.

Flippy, a $60,000 burger-flipping robot, is now cooking food at CaliBurger, a restaurant in Pasadena. The robot has already received two warnings about hitting on the women working the drive thru, and cursed out the manager when he couldn’t get Memorial Day weekend off.

Some Amazon Alexa users are reporting a glitch where the voice assistant suddenly laughs out loud. Amazon is releasing a fix, but in the meantime advised men who own Amazon Echos not to walk around the house naked.

Medical workers in Milwaukee report one of the highest clusters of sexually transmitted diseases they’ve ever seen. Officials are calling the strains Gonorrhea High Life and Syphilis Blue Ribbon.

A 14-year-old boy was arrested for impersonating a sheriff’s deputy after pulling people over in Southern California while driving an SUV outfitted with blue & red lights. Locals suspected something was unusual when the deputy didn’t shoot anyone or use excessive force.

British prosecutors dropped charges against a suspect accused of swallowing drugs, after he refused to defecate for 47 days in police custody. The suspect was released, and two hours later EMTs responded to an explosion reported by neighbors at his residence.

McDonald’s inverted its iconic Golden Arches at one of its restaurants to form a ‘W’ in honor of International Women’s Day. Chief Diversity Officer said the move was “to honor the extraordinary accomplishments of women everywhere — like the ones cleaning our disgusting restrooms for $10/hour.”

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Former Trump Campaign aide Sam Nunberg, who is refusing a subpoena from Special Counsel Robert Mueller, appeared on CNN’s ‘Out Front with Erin Burnett’, where Burnett said she smelled alcohol on his breath. Nunberg questioned why that’s a problem if CNN has an open bar in the green room.

Porn site YouPorn used artificial intelligence to predict “porn’s hottest trends”. The list included pop-culture matchups like “T’Challa and Shuri” and more cryptic terms like “spray and pay”.  Production started immediately on “Black Panther Goes To The Car Wash”.

By May, McDonald’s Quarter Pounders in the contiguous U.S. will be made with fresh beef. Fresh beef in Hawaii locations will wait until cattle can be duped into taking luxury vacations; Alaska is just a long way off.

A 20-year-old Oregon man is suing Dick’s Sporting Goods and Walmart for refusing to sell him a rifle due to their new 21-and-older policy for firearms sales. His friends and acquaintances are rapidly lining up excuses for missing his 21st birthday party.

Questlove is encouraging celebrities to buy tickets so that children can see ‘A Wrinkle In Time’. For every $10 donated, children get a free ticket to an AMC theater showing ‘A Wrinkle In Time’, so they can sneak out and see ‘Black Panther’ again.

Astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson interviewed Stephen Hawking for his show StarTalk, gathering the highest-ever ratings for a program that absolutely no one watching can understand.

Jeopardy! used a sudden-death tiebreaker for the first time in history after two contestants ended Final Jeopardy with the same score. Jeopardy! switched to the single-question tie breaker in 2016; judges used to declare the winner by who had the least-boring story after the first commercial break.

Dyson’s new air purifier has an LCD screen that tells you what it’s cleaning out of the air in your home. It displays messages such as ‘dust’, ‘pet dander’, and ‘please hire a cleaning lady I am dying’.

A Chinese woman gave her iPhone to her 2-year-old, and the child entered an incorrect password enough times to lock her out of it for 47 years. A Genius Bar worker took her email address and notified her when she’s eligible to trade in for an iPhone 53.

MLB’s Arizona Diamondbacks are throwing back over two decades, and will bring in relief pitchers using a golf cart — provided they can find a golf cart in Arizona.

 

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Six people were arrested in Japan for attempting to avoid paying customs taxes by smuggling gold bars in to the country in an airplane toilet. They were arrested as customs officials heard them arguing over who was going to rinse the gold off.

Researchers have discovered the fossil of a 100 million-year-old spider with fangs and a scorpion’s tail. They’re unclear whether it spun webs, or just scared some other spider into doing the work.

A North Carolina father and his biological daughter have been charged with incest after they married and gave birth to a baby boy. The couple face up to 10 years in prison; the baby faces a lifetime of confusion deciding whether to call his mother “Sis” or his father “Grandpa”.

A married Florida couple were charged with child neglect for watching the Super Bowl in a bar while they left their 2-year-old outside in a parked truck — or, as it’s known in Florida, a mobile day care center.

Aaron Traywick, a biohacker attending the BDYHAX convention in Austin, Texas, injected himself with a DIY herpes treatment while on Facebook Live. Traywick claims to have invented a cure for herpes. He won’t say if his vaccine will be available for sale, but as of now, every woman he’s tried to have sex with isn’t buying it.

Apple said that it’s investigating a possible glitch preventing some iPhone X users from answering calls. “Answering what?” said large numbers of iPhone X owners.

New Jersey Governor Phil Murphy signed the first state-level net neutrality regulation, saying Internet service providers that do business with the state cannot disrupt New Jerseyans Internet traffic – comprised of tomato sauce recipes, beach traffic reports and GED coursework.

PepsiCo CEO Indira Nooyi said that the company is working on snacks ‘for women’. Nooyi cites company research saying that residue on fingers and the loud crunching noise are two things women dislike in snack chips, and also sex.

Researchers at Yokohama University say that a chemical contained in McDonald’s fries holds the cure for baldness. Opinions are split on the research – with Donald Trump supporting it, while those saying it doesn’t work include Grimace.

White House Advisor Kellyanne Conway has assembled her ‘Opioid Cabinet’ – so named because most everyone on it wants to know how they can overdose and get off of it.

New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski’s house was robbed while he was in Minneapolis for the Super Bowl. Quarterback Tom Brady offered his help, but Foxborough detectives said their job is catching thieves, not dropping them.

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The Producers Guild of America approved guidelines for combating sexual harassment in the entertainment industry. The guidelines ask that each production be vigilant in preventing harassment, that whistleblowers be protected, and that producers keep their whistles in their pants.

Delta Airlines says they’re cracking down on passengers’ emotional support animals; this, following a mid-flight argument between a flight attendant and a pug who wanted the whole can of Alpo.

  • United Airlines says they’re also cracking down on animal companions; only by ‘cracking down’ United means they’re breaking the animal in to pieces and sending it on to baggage claim with no further explanation.

Cape Town could be the first major city in the world to run out of water. Residents must limit their showers to one-and-a-half minutes. “No problem!” said Cape Town men who like to have sex in the shower.

Singer Ed Sheeran announced that he was secretly engaged. Fiancee Cherry Seaborn announced that she secretly called it off.

Former ‘Jersey Shore’ star Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino arrived in a New Jersey court to plead guilty to tax evasion. He’ll film a ‘Jersey Shore’ reunion before returning to court as Mike ‘Five Years In The Joint’ Sorrentino.

Kim Kardashian West and Kanye West named their new baby daughter ‘Chicago’ — leaving pregnant sisters Kylie and Khloe to duke it out between ‘Detroit’ and ‘Cleveland’.

Baltimore Mayor Catherine Pugh fired the crime-ridden city’s Police Commissioner Kevin Davis. Davis was reportedly given just a few minutes at his office to clean out his unregistered guns and bribes.

A new Boston University study concludes that chronic brain disease CTE isn’t caused by concussions, but rather by repeated hits to the head, even without concussion. The study authors warn parents to be vigilant looking for CTE symptoms in children who are athletes, or frequent noogie recipients.

President Trump, addressing the ‘March for Life’ event, called on the U.S. Senate to outlaw abortions after 20 weeks.  “Sure, if that includes your term” said Democratic Senators, in what observers of burns are calling ‘a layup’.

Congress was unable to avert a U.S. Government Shutdown. Callers to the White House received this voice message: “”Unfortunately, we cannot answer your call today because Congressional Democrats are holding govt. funding, including funding for our troops and other national security priorities, hostage to an unrelated immigration debate. Oh, and if this is Grubhub ask the guards to take the Big Macs inside.”

 

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House GOP Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy recounted his recent trip with the President aboard Air Force One, saying that Trump loves Starburst candies, but only the red and pink ones. Asked who gets the yellow and green ones, he said “some kid Barron something”.

Police in Knoxville, Tennessee investigated an alarm at a Boost Mobile store and found it was caused by a raccoon. After checking his credit score, the raccoon learned he was able to get a new phone from a better service provider and left.

Danica Patrick confirmed that she’s dating Aaron Rodgers. Patrick announced her retirement from NASCAR in 2017, but expressed her excitement at still being able to qualify for the pole.

Natural Cycles, a contraceptive app approved as a form of contraception by the European Union, has been hit with a complaint after being blamed for 37 unwanted pregnancies. Natural Cycles launched an investigation, but in the meantime urged pregnant mothers to try its other app, Find That Guy I Had Sex With.

A man traveling from Iceland to England was arrested at the airport for attempting to avoid excess luggage fees by wearing eight pairs of pants and ten shirts. Airport security patted him down layer by layer, and he boarded a flight two days later when they finished.

A newborn baby boy was found abandoned at the Tucson International Airport on Sunday night. The baby was found in good health, and his first words were “please get me out of Tucson.”

The Japanese city of Gamagori issued a citywide emergency warning after a supermarket mistakenly sold lethally poisonous blowfish.  The search was later narrowed to specific women who had redeemed buy-one-get-one-free coupons for lethally poisonous blowfish.

A British Airways crew assigned to a flight from London to Ghana refused to work when the aircraft was discovered to be infested with bedbugs, and the bedbugs refused to be reassigned to coach.

The Google Art & Culture app has become a viral hit, two years after its initial release. Among its features, it matches users selfies with historic portrait works of art. For instance, photos of the President and his cabinet in the Oval Office were matched to Dogs Playing Poker.

McDonald’s announced a new Green initiative, to use renewable, recyclable or certified materials in all of its packaging by 2025. McDonald’s said it’s dedicating the initiative to all of its most loyal customers who have asked for the change but won’t live to see it.

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Ivanka Trump and IBM CEO Ginni Rometty visited Norwalk Early College Academy in Connecticut, a school that awards both a high school diploma and an associate’s degree in software engineering. Trump questioned the students, asking if any knew how to completely wipe emails off of a hard drive permanently.

Wormtown Brewery in Worcester, Massachusetts is rolling out DD Roasted Brew, a stout made using Dunkin Donuts Roast Coffee Beans.  Brewers recommend each pint be consumed with six packets of Splenda and extra cream.

A 29-year-old teacher at a Christian high school is charged with rape after allegedly having sex with a 15-year-old student. Her employer, Logos Christian Academy has not commented, except to say that they’ve cancelled the couple’s appearance as Mary & Joseph in the school Nativity Play.

Authorities in Virginia said that the two pit bulls who mauled their owner – a 22-year-old woman – to death were ‘a little bit neglected’… and ‘more than a little bit hungry’.

“Whatever” was named Americans’ least-favorite word for the seventh year in a row, according to an annual survey. Said the survey’s spokesperson: “It is what it is.”

E! News announced the resignation of longtime on-air host Catt Sadler. In a blog post, Sadler said she resigned because of salary inequity with a male host, who was being paid twice as much to ask “who are you wearing?”.

President Trump will soon sign a new tax reform bill, the most sweeping change to the U.S. tax code in decades. The law will cut corporate taxes from 35% to 21% and the highest individual bracket from 39% to 37%. Perhaps most importantly, it extends the audit of all of Trump’s tax returns for as long as he’s in office.

Chloe Kohanski won Season 13 of ‘The Voice’. She wins $100,000, a recording contract with Universal Music Group, and joins such past show champions-slash-household names as ….

McDonald’s will begin selling a McVegan burger in Europe, accompanied by a massive ad campaign touting “The taste will make you Grimace.”

  • The burger will also be offered to children as part of McDonald’s Europe-only ‘Ennui Meal’.

Cardinal Bernard Law died. Cardinal Law, who hid pedophile priests in the Boston diocese for decades, will still receive a full Vatican funeral. However, he will be buried wearing swim trunks beneath his robes in an effort to stay cool where he’s going.

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Major League Baseball’s Anaheim Angels put a football field in their stadium so the Philadelphia Eagles can practice there during their west coast road trip. To make the Eagles feel at home, the city of Anaheim bused in hundreds of homeless people to yell obscenities and vomit on each other.

McDonald’s is rolling out its new Dollar Menu in January. For the first time, Happy Meals will be discounted, offering much-needed to relief to unemployed cash-strapped toddlers.

According to a report in The Intercept, the White House is considering its own private spy network separate from the CIA. Fueling the reports, Ivanka Trump brand’s Chinese apparel factory is frantically churning out black capes and fedoras.

Netflix fired Danny Masterson from its show The Ranch following multiple allegations of rape filed against the star.  He begins work on his new show,  The Nevada Chicken Ranch, next week.

The International Olympic Committee will decide whether to ban Russia from the 2018 Winter Olympics as punishment for state-sponsored cover-up of doping, and because this month’s Russian bribe envelope was unusually light.

Accused sexual harasser Representative John Conyers announced that he’s planning to retire; then he will wake up and grope more women.

The world’s largest Starbucks – 30,000 square feet – will open Wednesday in Shanghai, promising customers all the tea.

Netflix is reportedly experimenting with interactive tv shows, allowing viewers to help direct the story. Netflix subscribers anxiously await their chance to kill off Winona Ryder.

The 709-carat ‘Peace Diamond’, owned by a village in Sierra Leone where it was found,  sold below appraised value for a disappointing $6.5 million at auction. Worse, the buyer’s girlfriend muttered “I guess it’s okay.”

Kroger is recalling bottles of purified water for babies because some bottles had mold growing in them. Kroger’s CEO is said to be angry with the move; since it’s purified mold, he doesn’t know what the big deal is.

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Valeant Pharmaceuticals, which acquired ‘female Viagra’ drug Addyi for $1 Billion, is giving up on the drug and returning its rights to the original owner, Sprout Pharmaceutical. It’s believed to be the first time that a ton of money was spent getting women in the mood for sex and it didn’t work.

Students at George Mason University claim to have invented a fire extinguisher that puts out fires using nothing but sound waves. Unfortunately, the sound is generated from people screaming that they’re on fire.

Britain’s National Health is trialing a service that lets residents see a doctor by video call within two hours. Early results are mostly positive, though some users dislike sitting on the kitchen table in their underwear for two hours.

McDonald’s is reintroducing its Dollar Menu in early 2018, with menu items ranging from $1 for a double cheeseburger, to $3 for a cashier running down the street to get you something from Panera.

Israel Institute of Technology’s Technion Institute has created an ‘Electric nose’ that can detect at least seventeen serious illnesses by scent – ranging from Parkinson’s Disease and Multiple Sclerosis, to the pepperoni roll at Sbarro.

Obamacare signups during the current open enrollment period broke records. There haven’t been this many people buying an overpriced product that’s guaranteed to break since the iPhone X.

Google is introducing a feature that gives you the average wait time at over 1 million restaurants. The feature uses a complex algorithm to assess historical trends for most restaurants, and a static image that says No Wait for searches of Arby’s.

Venture capitalist and Digg founder Kevin Rose launched a free meditation app named Oak. It offers a range of guidance, from simple breathing exercises, to longer guided meditations, and automatic social media updates to tell everyone you’re meditating.

Tesla founder Elon Musk said on the company’s earnings call that all Tesla vehicles had the necessary hardware for full autonomous driving – now that each is fitted with a robotic hand that flips off drivers who cut off the self-driving cars.

The White House has requested $4 Billion for missile defense against North Korea. $1 Billion for counterstrike missiles, and $3 Billion for a Trump International Hotel/Silo on the South Korea border.

 

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President Trump met with Puerto Rico’s governor, and said that he would rate the U.S.’ disaster relief response “a 10”; the governor replied that the death toll was already 48.

For the second straight year, the PNC Milwaukee Marathon miscalculated the official 26.2 mile distance, shorting it by eight-tenths of a mile. Race officials are contemplating giving full $75 refunds of the $80 race fee paid by entrants.

Playboy has named Ines Rau Miss November 2017, the magazine’s first-ever transgender playmate. The centerfold will open backwards.

Blac Chyna sued the Kardashian Family for defamation and slut-shaming; a Kardashian attorney replied, saying this is a case of the pot calling the kettle Blac.

The FAA is considering banning large electronic devices from checked luggage, citing concerns about devices overheating and causing fires, and several cases of Japanese travelers’ sex robots freezing to death in the cargo hold.

Researchers writing in Nature Communications studied the rapid breakdown of glucose to fuel cancerous tumor growth – known as the Warburg Effect – establishing a clearer connection between sugar and cancer. Next up, the researchers intend to study what’s known as the McFlurry Effect.

Twitter users are criticizing a Business Insider study that claims Chick-Fil-A was the most popular fast food restaurant in 39 states, based solely on Foursquare check-ins. The survey was seen as most damaging to customers of Popeye’s Chicken, many of whom thought Foursquare was a value meal.

President Trump continued his battle with the NFL by starting an “I Stand For the Anthem” petition on a GOP website. Republican officials marveled at the number of signatures, and expressed surprise at the number of U.S. Citizens named F*ckYou.

Illusionist David Blaine has publicly denied rape allegations made by model Natasha Prince, claiming that at the time of the incident, he was simultaneously in several other countries!

The Philippines Department of Labor issued a new regulation requiring that office workers must be given breaks every two hours to stand and walk. Filipina hookers must be allowed breaks to sit every two hours.

The Orionid Meteor Showers will peak tonight – good thing, since NASA scientists claim that Mars is getting pretty smelly.

 

 

 

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Researchers at Boston University believe they have established a biomarker for detecting CTE in professional football players – they’re calling it “a pulse”.

Playboy Magazine founder Hugh Hefner died at age 91, from blood clot complications in a priapism that he’d kept going since 1986.

Mark Zuckerberg fired back at the President, who had called Facebook ‘anti-Trump’. Zuckerberg said Facebook is not ‘anti-Trump’ .. just anti-privacy and – for a modest advertising fee – anti- any race, religion or ethnicity.

Trump spoke at a rally in Indiana to introduce his new Tax Reform proposal; details are sparse since it’s still being audited.

Axios reports that President Trump is physically mocking GOP Senators John McCain & Mitch McConnell in private for their failure to support him. Once Trump nails his Obama impression, he’ll join Rich Little for a rally in Branson, Missouri.

 

Authors from six public interest groups graded 25 fast-food chains for their actions to reduce antibiotics in menu items. Only Chipotle and Panera Bread received ‘A’s; McDonald’s & Wendy’s received ‘C’s. Sonic got an F. Arby’s received an Incomplete because testers were too sick to finish.

A 47 year-old British man was x-rayed and diagnosed with a lung tumor, which was later revealed to be a Playmobil toy traffic cone he had inhaled at the age of 7. Doctors removed the cone, saying it should have come out during a prior surgery to remove several toy cars he’d inhaled that were parked around it.

Jane Fonda appeared on Megyn Kelly Today to promote her new movie with costar Robert Redford. Fonda curtly lashed back at Kelly’s questions about her plastic surgery. Redford’s face could be seen laughing as it poked through the third button down on his shirt.

Friday is National Coffee Day, with a number of coffee shops and stores offering deals. This year, however, 7-Eleven will not be offering a deal. Store owners are encouraging customers to just walk out without paying for it like they always do.

Maye Musk, the 69 year-old mother of tech billionaire Elon Musk, is the newest face of Cover Girl cosmetics. Maye is easy, breezy, beautiful and pissing off other senior women who  sure as hell could use that money more than her.

Medical journal The Lancet reports that roughly half of abortions worldwide are unsafe. Among the most risky locations? – Latin America, and the Pocono Mountains near Kellerman’s resort.