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A manager at a South Carolina Starbucks accused employees of kidnapping him after they demanded a pay raise and better equipment. Police are having difficulty arresting the employees, because the manager got all of their names wrong.

Russia’s rebranded McDonald’s – which can’t get Coca-Cola products anymore – filed trademarks for replacement brand TochkaCola, and new Borscht TochkaCola Code Red.

Lisa London, casting director for Disney Channel’s Hannah Montana, revealed who the other two finalist actresses were for the role played by Miley Cyrus. Her account is vehemently denied by both Meryl Streep and Dame Judi Dench.

A labor union representing Philadelphia school bus drivers voted to strike ahead of the upcoming start to the new school year. Students are advised to make backup plans, like carjacking their rides to school.

Park rangers found a detached foot in a shoe floating in the Abyss Pool hot spring in Yellowstone National Park. The shoe was size 9, so the rangers have ruled out Bigfoot.

HBO Max pulled nearly 200 episodes of Sesame Street as it prepares to combine with Discovery+. However, an injunction to block the move was filed by the letter F, which had sponsored the episodes.

Actress Jennifer Garner was spotted shopping at a West Virginia Sam’s Club on Saturday night, while ex Ben Affleck married Jennifer Lopez in a lavish ceremony in Georgia. The next day, Lopez & Affleck received a gift-wrapped bundle of 100 rolls of toilet paper.

Hailey Davidson, a transgender woman who completed gender reassignment surgery in 2021, is vying to become the first trans woman to join the LPGA Tour. She claims to be at a disadvantage because of the two-stroke penalty she received for lost balls.

HBO Max crashed for thousands of users due to a surge in viewers attempting to stream new ‘Game of Thrones’ prequel ‘House Of The Dragon’. HBO Max execs thought they’d hit peak traffic with all of the boob scenes in Euphoria, but admitted they were wrong.

Actor Gary Busey was charged with sexual assault and removed from the Monster Mania Convention in Cherry Hill, New Jersey last weekend. Busey, who appeared in Predator 2, will soon be appearing in court as a Predator, Too.

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Triplets in Mexico tested positive for coronavirus on the day they were born. Doctors and engineers are devising a way they can breast feed from six feet away. 

The Kentucky Democratic Senate primary naming a challenger to Mitch McConnell won’t be decided for another week. Amy McGrath leads Charles Booker, but final tallies require the state’s electon auditor to verify the number of times the horses clomp their hooves.

Brands are joining the #StopHateForProfit movement, boycotting Facebook for refusing to accept paid messages of hate. Meanwhile, the Facebook Ad Sales team for Trump 2020 and Boogaloo spent their bonuses on sports cars and beach houses.

Miley Cyrus says she’s been sober for six months but is still a “ton of fun”… thanks to having a “ton of money”.

Doctors are trialing an at-home sleep apnea test that doesn’t require an overnight sleep study. They check your ribcage for bruises from your spouse punching while you snore.

A female suspect was arrested in the arson of the Wendy’s restaurant where Atlantan Rayshard Brooks was fatally shot by police. She’s charged with felony destruction of property, and of whatever it is they put in Frostys.

An off-duty Los Angeles police officer was drinking a Starbucks frappucino when he discovered a tampon in it. He’s demanding that the employee responsible be fired, since he ordered the drink with a condom in it.

New Jersey announced theme parks can reopen on July 2nd. Thousands of families are already buying advance tickets to Six Flags Over Coronavirus.

Major League Baseball announced its return with an abbreviated schedule. Spitting will be prohibited, so a special space will be set aside for players vomiting swallowed chewing tobacco and sunflower seeds.

The City of Philadelphia will seek removal of a statue of Christopher Columbus. They plan to appease angry locals by replacing it with a bronze statue of Rocky Balboa kissing Nick Foles.

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Hip-hop star Megan Thee Stallion told Essence magazine about spending her first Christmas without her mother. Asked if she was sad, Thee Stallion clomped once for ‘yes’.

The last solar eclipse of the year, not visible in North America, was viewable via live streams and YouTube. It’s the first eclipse you had to skip ads to see.

The same-sex kiss in Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, was edited out for cinemas in Singapore. It was either that, or the gay couple had to accept their punishment being candy caned.

Steamboat Geyser in Yellowstone National Park broke a record, erupting 47 times in 2019. Steamboat thanked Geyagra.

According to the New England Journal of Medicine, eating in a 6-hour window and fasting for 18 hours may help you live longer, provided the 6 hours doesn’t include a stop at Checkers.

A newly married 26-year-old woman was charged with defrauding her 77-year-old husband, cashing checks for almost $1 million. On the same day, she was arraigned & held on bail, and her story was made into a Lifetime tv movie.

Leonardo Dicaprio’s mother is reportedly worried that if he remains noncomittal, Leo will drive model/girlfriend Camilla Morrone away. For his part, Leo is worried his model/girlfriend won’t take the hint.

Miley Cyrus settled her divorce from Liam Hemsworth on what would have been their 1-year anniversary. Appropriate, since the traditional First Anniversary gift is Paper.

Kanye West and Kim Kardashian gave their daughter North a coat once owned by Michael Jackson as a gift for her 6th birthday. They then rushed her to the ER after she ate the quaaludes she found in the pockets.

University of Memphis Athletic Director Laird Veitch wished his former head football coach Mike Norvell well in his new job at Florida State, telling FSU officials they “hit a home run”. Veitch added “I’m not good at sports metaphors.”

 

 

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Actor Dennis Quaid, 65, confirmed he’s engaged to 26-year-old Laura Savoie. Savoie had previously dated Jeremy Piven right up until she watched Piven’s stand-up comedy act.

  • Actor Randy Quaid announced his engagement to a 21-year-old black bear he met while hiking in the woods.

TMZ reports actress Lori Loughlin is more likely to take a plea deal in her college admissions trial. She’s reportedly scared by Felicity Huffman’s 14-day prison sentence, and more scared of wearing that green prison suit Huffman was photographed in.

A St. Louis high school cancelled the remainder of their undefeated football season after finding out the coach suited up a suspended player with a new number and identity. The player was identified by his tattoos, and by the funny nose/moustache/glasses he wore.

Amazon’s Jeff Bezos visited a Washington D.C. school. One student asked “Who’s Jeff Bezos?” The teacher replied, “ask your Dad, Barron.”

The cast of ‘Facts of Life’ – Tootie, Blair, Natalie & Jo – will reunite for a Lifetime Holiday movie, “Facts of Menopause Christmas”.

Google Maps will now allow drivers to report slowdowns, police speed traps, and road hazards – like the rear-end collisions they experience while staring at their phone reporting slowdowns and police speed traps.

Miley Cyrus defended her “you don’t have to be gay” comment about distrusting men, reaffirming her belief that being gay is not a choice, and her prioritization of the LGBTQ community that she is a part of when she feels like it.

A meth addict living in a suburban Philadelphia halfway house ordered uranium because he thought it would be cool to pose with it and share a photo on social media. He’s now being treated for smoking uranium.

A National Bureau of Economic Research study finds 60 percent of Uber riders don’t tip, and women tip less than men, possibly because they’re terrified.

Under Armour founder Kevin Plank is resigning as CEO amidst the company’s loss in market share, and as he struggles to explain why they’re still called Under Armour even though most of their stuff is worn on the outside.

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Researchers at Columbia University found stressed-out pregnant women are likelier to give birth to a girl. Men who want a son are advised to get a woman pregnant, then get lost.

The Paris Zoological Park is displaying a slimy organism, physarum polycephalum, that it calls “The Blob”. It’s a slimy bright-yellow organism that can heal itself and has 720 different sexes.  U.S. zoos may also display it, but will call it “Gender Fluid”.

Nickelodeon Universe – the U.S.’ largest indoor theme park – opens this week in East Rutherford, New Jersey. Employees are being trained to spot the difference between slime and vomit. [Story h/t to N.Y.]

Geno’s Steaks in Philadelphia debuted Whizzy, the first cheesesteak mascot. Whizzy was introduced, then taken into custody for beating up a child wearing a NY Rangers jersey. [Story h/t to about thirty different people in Philadelphia.]

Morganna The Kissing Bandit – buxom baseball fan who ran onto the playing field to kiss players – said she was arrested 19 times…and strip-searched over 100 times.

Donald Trump decided not to hold the G7 Summit at his Trump Doral Resort in Florida, amidst criticism from Democrats, Republicans, and international leaders who want to stay at Disney World.

Senator Mitt Romney admitted that Twitter handle “Pierre Delecto” – used to defend Romney and express his opinions – was Romney himself. The account raised suspicion because no one believed a gay-sounding French guy would live in Utah.

Miley Cyrus said on Instagram “you don’t have to be gay, there are good people with dicks out there, you just got to find them”. Her message totally inspired lonely straight women, while totally confusing gay men.

Rafael Nadal married his longtime girlfriend. They did it three times on their wedding night: Six love, six love, six love.

The University of Oklahoma’s ‘Sooner Schooner’ – a horse-drawn carriage that celebrates touchdowns – toppled and crashed on Saturday. The student drivers were O…K…. and officials said it was bound to happen Sooner or later.

 

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Former White House Press Secretary Sarah Sanders is joining Fox News. She becomes the network’s biggest female talent.

Amazon opened its largest office building in the world in Hyperabad, India. It has room for 15,000 employees and one restroom.

A Manhattan man was killed after an elevator car he was exiting malfunctioned. A friend is expected to give him the world’s briefest eulogy: “Going up.”

Costco is opening its first warehouse club in China. They’re hiring extra forklift operators and EMTs to rescue customers crushed trying to carry bulk bags of rice.

Website Business Insider ranked nine brands of hard seltzer and industry leader White Claw emerged as #1.  The non-scientific survey was conducted during a free period for the 50 high school sophomore girls participating.

Godzilla made a ceremonial plate appearance before a professional baseball game in Japan. He struck out swinging his short arms, breathed fire on the pitcher and was ejected.

A priest in Chester County, Pennsylvania is accused of stealing $125,000 to fund his lavish lifestyle, including a beach house and relationships with men. Parishioners grew suspicious when he hired a sommelier for the altar wine.

Golfer Brooks Koepka posed nude for ESPN The Magazine’s Body Issue. He said those criticizing him don’t have the Titleists to do it themselves.

Tom Brady’s request to have the name “Tom Terrific” trademarked was denied based on its association with baseball Hall of Famer Tom Seaver. His trademark request for “Tom The Cheating Ball Deflater” was approved, but isn’t expected to do him much good.

Liam Hemsworth told E! News when he decided it was time to file for divorce from Miley Cyrus — his wedding day.

 

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Sesame Place theme park banned a woman for life for telling a Muslim woman to “go back where she came from”. The banned woman’s rant was sponsored by the letter F.

Six players were ejected following a fight during a WNBA game between the Phoenix Mercury and Dallas Wings. Fans said they hadn’t seen that many women in braids brawling since any UFC undercard.

Kid Rock tweeted Taylor Swift wants to be a Democrat so she can be cast in movies, and is willing to suck the door knob off of Hollyweird to get there. Celebrities condemned the tweet – Guy Fieri said he may ask Rock to return his key to the City of Flavortown.

According to a recent survey, 42% of parents claim they weren’t financially ready to have a child. The other 58% say they were financially ready, but feel let down by their choice of birth control.

Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth reportedly separated after being married only 8 months. Cyrus was spotted kissing a woman, so she and Hemsworth still have something in common.

In their annual rankings, University of California – Santa Barbara topped the list of colleges where students consume the most hard liquor. The results were challenged by University of Phoenix, who say most of their online students consume liquor during class.

Anheuser-Busch is expanding into the red-hot hard seltzer category with Natural Light Hard Seltzer. It’ll be 20% cheaper than industry leader White Claw, and will be marketed to bros who still want to get buzzed while they look for a better-paying job.

Police combatting anti-government protesters in Hong Kong fired tear gas into the subway. Subway riders were overcome by the chemical assault, calling it “almost as bad as the subway in Philadelphia.”

Two ambulances collided with each other in the Bronx, causing one to overturn and four injuries to emergency workers. “Call an ambulance” said someone, and they all had a good laugh about it.

Berlin is considering turning the former Tempelhof airport into a safe zone for legalized prostitution. German men won’t feel as inconvenienced when their friends ask for a ride to the airport.