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Netflix is phasing out its $11.99 Basic plan. Soon you’ll no longer be able to Netflix & Chill with a Basic bitch.

Joe Biden dropped out of the Presidential Race and will no longer seek reelection. He will, however, serve out the remainder of his term and continue to receive Secret Service protection from his dogs.

Cardi B. expressed excitement at the possibility of VP Kamala Harris being elected, saying she was sick of having a WAP – White Ass President.

Donald Trump said he was saved “by luck or by God” in his recent assassination attempt. “Definitely luck”, said God.

JD Vance’s wife, Usha, is the target of racist banter because of her Indian heritage. Donald Trump defended her, saying he’ll happily let her occupy Vice Presidential living quarters depending on how her credit report looks.

Israel President Benjamin Netanyahu is visiting Washington, and said his country will remain an ally of the U.S. no matter who replaces Biden, so long as they’re cool with bombing civilians in hospitals.

Delta Airlines cancelled more flights as it struggles to recover from the Microsoft/Crowdstrike outage. Meanwhile Spirit Airlines said they’re running at a full schedule with drunken cheapskate passengers pummelling each other in Crowdstrikes over armrests and whatnot.

Cuba said one million citizens left the country in the past two years. They also said there’s a nationwide shortage of tires because they’re all being used to make rafts to leave Cuba.

By the end of the week, all NFL players will be expected to report to their team’s Training Camp, or to the remaining dates of Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour.

A Nigerian man played mobile game Dream League Soccer 2023 for 75 consecutive hours, setting a new Guinness World Record. Observers called it every bit as exciting as watching real-life soccer.

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The NFL released its 2024-25 regular season schedule, and announced that Netflix will have exclusive rights to air two Christmas Day games. Thanksgiving games will be split between AppleTV+, Hulu, and Disney+ just to see how pissed off football fans can get.

McDonald’s will reintroduce a $5 Value Meal, but will only make it available for a month, and will require a 7-day advance reservation in the dining room.

Uber announced they’ll offer group shuttle rides to shared destinations like airports, concerts & sporting events. Uber Shuttle drivers are looking forward to the opportunity to sexually harass dozens of passengers at once.

Due to shrinking space from beach erosion, North Wildwood, New Jersey has banned the use of beach tents. If couples want to make out without being seen, they’ll be directed by lifeguards to join the junkies and gays under the boardwalk.

Comcast is offering subscibers a Peacock/Netflix/AppleTV+ bundle called StreamSaver – it’s available to all customers who currently pay $150/month for cable tv.

Rumors are swirling that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez are headed for divorce, as they’ve not been seen together in public for seven weeks, and Lopez has reportedly banned all Dunkin products from the backstage area of her upcoming tour.

The Mirage hotel in Las Vegas is closing. Families of Sigfried & Roy are being asked for the last time to come and get any tigers still hanging around.

Warren Buffett revealed the ‘mystery company’ that his Berkshire Hathaway corporation has invested over $6 billion dollars in – it’s insurance company Chubb. The announcement gave other investors in the stock a pretty big Chubb.

A Major League Soccer between New York City & the Philadelphia Union was delayed for over two minutes when raccoon ran on to the field. The raccoon was chased away, but asked by team officials to return any time it wants to help liven up soccer games.

Under Armour announced a wave of layoffs, saying they’re Over Staffed.

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A woman outed as a stalker who allegedly inspired Netflix hit ‘Baby Reindeer’ is threatening legal action against producers. Given her stalking success, she’s also threatening illegal action.

Surgeons installed a mechanical heart pump and a genetically-modified pig kidney in a woman during the same procedure. She also wanted a breast augmentation but doctors told her to get her priorities straight.

A former McDonald’s chef said he can’t believe people order Big Mac meals because they’re more expensive than Quarter Pounder meals and provide less meat. Customers who just finished their Big Mac meals also aren’t thrilled with their decision.

Gypsy Rose Blanchard said that before marrying Ryan Anderson in prison, she dreamed about reuniting with her ex, Ken Urker. She’s now divorced and dating Urker, making this her second dream-come-true after murdering her mother.

The Affordable Connectivity Program – a federal government program providing cheap Internet access to thousands, may shut down. Comcast/Xfinity said they’ll step up and offer cheap Internet, but only if it’s bundled with overpriced TV.

Sleep experts documented cases of sexsomnia, where people demand sex or pleasure themselves while sleeping, but have no memory of it the next day. This is different than sexamnesia, where people have conscious sex but forget about it because it was so bad.

A Pennsylvania priest was arrested after spending $40,000 of church money on smartphone games like Candy Crush, Pokemon Go & Mario Kart. His lawyer said he needed a way to stay busy after the Diocese made him delete Grindr.

Tesla received approval for full self-driving vehicles in China, with the Chinese government conceding it can’t make things much worse.

Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce visited Las Vegas with Patrick and Brittany Mahomes. They enjoyed dinner and cocktails, then placed individual bets on which couple would break up first.

ChatGPT is being criticized for overwhelmingly depicting financiers & CEOs as men, and secretaries as women. Critics say the women should be called administrative assistants.

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In a divorce lawyer’s viral video, she lists the six most common professions of people who cheat on their spouse or significant other. They are: NBA point guard; NBA shooting guard; NBA small forward; NBA power forward; NBA center; & NBA coach.

Gen Z men & women are reportedly ditching dating apps in favor of trying to meet someone in person. Although many admit sharing nude pics as an icebreaker is a lot more risky that way.

Alaska Airlines passengers aboard the flight where a door plug blew off in midair were contacted by the FBI to say they may be “victims of a crime”. The FBI also sent letters to Spirit Airlines passengers saying they’re “victims of their own poor judgment.”

A new study finds venting anger verbally or physically is not as effective at inducing calm as yoga or meditation. However, the most calm person in the study was the woman who yelled at & punched someone after her yoga class.

Donald Trump appeared at a pretrial hearing in a case involving hush money payment to porn star Stormy Daniels. He said he’d be willing to plead guilty if someone would buy a sex tape of him & Stormy Daniels for $454 Million.

Kim Kardashian and NFL star Odell Beckham Jr reportedly split up after six months because she wanted to have a child with him. Beckham did not, but still said Kardashian was a talented wide receiver.

Chick-fil-A announced they’re changing their ‘No Antibiotics Ever’ policy for chickens to ‘No Antibiotics Important To Human Medicine’. Using only antibiotic-free chicken is limiting their supply, so they’re allowing poultry farmers to sell them chickens whose flu and gonorhhea have been successfully treated.

Utah’s Payson High School, location for 1984 film ‘Footloose‘, is having their final prom there because the school is relocating to a new building. 65-year-old star Kevin Bacon announced he’s accepted an invitation to attend – but his wife Kyra Sedgwick isn’t thrilled that he’s going with Payson High’s cheerleading captain.

Los Angeles Dodgers star Shohei Ohtani will publicly address a multi-million dollar gambling scandal that led to the firing of his Japanese language interpreter. At the very least, Americans are excited to learn how to say “double or nothing” in Japanese.

Philadelphia native Kevin Hart received the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor. Like previous selection Adam Sandler, the committee was willing to overlook a lot of movies.

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Netflix is planning to open ‘Netflix House’ brick & mortar locations, to create “everyday experiences for their most watched programming”. They’ll contain a theater, food, and a Netflix & Chill room that guys can rent for $200 an hour.

The Pittsburgh Penguins announced that their Jaromir Jagr Bobblehead giveaway night is postponed because they were all stolen in transit. Collectors who bought tickets are shaking their heads.

IKEA announced they’re aggressively cutting prices on hundreds of items. They want to help relieve the stress on budgets, and put the stress on relationships when men & women team up to put the furniture together.

Vice President Kamala Harris will visit an abortion clinic in Minnesota, but has already gotten unanimous ‘no’s from patients when Harris’ reps ask if they want to take a photo with her.

Apparel maker Fanatics is being dragged for its Major League Baseball uniform pants, now being made from synthetic so sheer that they’re being called see-through. Ball girls wearing the pants in MLB parks are giving foul balls to kids, and their dads are tucking dollar bills in the girls’ waistbands.

A new study finds cardiovascular and isometric exercises to be the best for reducing blood pressure. Doing them somewhere far away from your family lowers blood pressure even further.

Adidas posted a significant multimillion dollar quarterly loss as it liquidates inventory of Yeezy shoes in the wake of parting with Kanye West over his antisemitism. Betting big on a new shoe line with MC Hammer didn’t help the bottom line, either.

Independent candidate for president Robert F. Kennedy Jr is considering making New York Jets quarterback Aaron Rodgers his running mate. Rodgers will likely pass.

A Kellogg’s shareholder claims Froot Loops cereal is still being made with ‘harmful dyes’ despite the company’s claim that they’re removing them. The shareholder then produced a photo of spokesbird Toucan Sam who’s lost most of his feathers to cancer.

A Florida woman was arrested outside of an H&R Block attempting to sell her child for $500. She was arrested, but is waiting on the “maybes” from customers who didn’t know if they were getting a tax refund.

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Donald Trump spent $55 million of donor money on legal fees last year. His lawyers promised him a “large cash settlement” – which he got, but he has to pay it.

Trump said on Truth Social that he’s interviewing new lawyers to replace Alina Habba, who lost his defamation case and potentially cost him $83 million. Joining him in the interviews is wife Melania, who’s also looking for a lawyer, but won’t say why.

Bradley Cooper said watching co-star Vince Vaughn in ‘Wedding Crashers‘ changed his approach to acting because of Vaughn’s “willingness to fail”. Cooper’s comments appear in the new issue of Backhanded Compliments magazine.

Comcast agreed to stop using its ‘Xfinity 10G Network’ brand, after a ruling that it misleads consumers regarding Internet speeds. They will use 10G in other ways, like saying it costs a family 10G’s every couple years for cable,internet & phone service.

Netflix announced its full slate of tv shows coming in 2024, and, if they’re renewed, coming back in 2027.

Taylor Swift informed the NFL that she won’t make a cameo performance in Usher’s Super Bowl Halftime Show. Instead she’ll sit in a suite and be the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, & 4th quarter show.

A three-year-old toddler in Australia got stuck in a claw machine filled with stuffed animals and toys. Police arrived and broke the machine’s glass to free him, and arrested a man who’d unsuccessfully spent $200 trying to get the boy out.

The South Korean government urged citizens to stop eating deep-fried starchy toothpicks, since they’re concerned about food safety. Instead, they ask that South Koreans stick to eating cabbage that’s been fermented at room temperature for months.

February 1st marks the 20th Anniversary of ‘Nipplegate’, with Justin Timberlake exposing Janet Jackson’s breasts during the Super Bowl halftime show. Boobs did not reappear during Super Bowl halftime until 2011, when Black Eyed Peas showed up.

The Russian military has reportedly developed camouflage ‘invisibility cloaks’ capable of hiding soldiers at distances as close as 3 feet. They made the announcement after testing them in years-long games of Hide & Seek with Russian kindergartners.

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Ricardo, a large steer captured running on New Jersey Transit train tracks in December, is hospitalized with an infection. All of Ricardo’s girlfriends are advised to get tested.

A woman was trapped for 15 hours overnight in a gondola lift at Lake Tahoe’s Heavenly Ski Resort. The lift was apparently shut off with her in it, and things went downhill from there.

E. Jean Carroll said she plans to spend the $83 million awarded to her by the jury in her defamation lawsuit on “something Donald Trump hates”. She’ll still have $82,999,000 left after buying the treadmill.

For the first time ever, a live baby great white shark has been spotted in the wild off the California coast. The baby shark was fine having its picture taken, but begged whoever took the photo not to play the song.

Taylor Swift was seen mouthing the words “go away, please” as cameras showed her watching boyfriend Travis Kelce from a suite at the AFC Championship. An estimated 30 million people watching at home were saying the same thing to their TVs.

Eminem also watched from a suite as his Detroit Lions suffered a crushing defeat to the San Francisco 49ers in the NFC Championship. No word on whether Eminem also hooked up with a tight end after the game.

Privacy advocates are concerned that Google plans to allow artificial intelligence to read and analyze texts sent on its Google Messages platform. AI already can tell which messages are really boring and lie about never getting the text.

Sofia Vergara said her acting jobs are “limited” because of her Colombian accent – but adds that meetings with producers are “plentiful” because of her breasts.

A 49-year-old military veteran faked needing a wheelchair for 20 years to collect almost $700,000 in disability benefits. He was working as a kindergarten teacher, where a confidential informant captured video of him doing the Hokey Pokey.

An Associated Press investigation found U.S. prison labor is used in the supply chain of many popular food brands, including Gold Medal flour, Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes, and Double-Stuf Life Without Parole Oreo Cookies.

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The first new public elementary school built in North Philadelphia in more than 70 years opened. A sixth grader cut a ribbon at one of the school’s exits to become the first student dropping out of it.

The mansion of Miami Dolphins wide receiver Tyreek Hill caught fire. Afterward, the structure was ruled incomplete.

Subscribers are cancelling streaming services in record numbers, due to higher prices, and watching 25 minutes of the latest Adam Sandler movie.

6.9 million 23andMe customers had their personal information stolen in a massive data breach. Although one of the hackers was delighted to discover several of the victims were long-lost cousins.

Amy Robach told her romantic partner and former Good Morning America co-host T.J. Holmes that she “lost most of her worldly possessions” in the divorce that followed their extramarital affair. Holmes said he remembered the first time she lost her shirt.

Dozens of previously-sealed documents related to Jeffrey Epstein were unsealed Wednesday. It’s the first time Donald Trump and Bill Clinton appeared together in years.

An Illinois man issued a warning, claiming he fell into a diabetic coma after taking counterfeit Ozempic. However, he did lose 8 pounds while he was knocked out.

TGI Fridays abruptly closed 36 underperforming restaurants, which they’re renaming SDI* Thursday. [*Shutting Down Immediately]

Colombian carrier Avianca was named the World’s Most Punctual Passenger Airline – mainly because crews are terrified what will happen if the drugs arrive late.

People with hearing loss who use hearing aids exhibit a 24% lower risk of mortality – as opposed to the 76% who can’t hear their friend say “look out for that truck”.

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The New York Times asked classical music critics to evaluate Bradley Cooper’s orchestra conducting as Leonard Bernstein in ‘Maestro‘. They agreed to do it on one condition – that they not have to watch the whole movie.

A judge ordered Rudy Giuliani to “immediately” pay the $148 million defamation settlement he owes to two Georgia election workers. Execs at GoFundMe reminded Giuliani he can’t run 148 million fundraisers at a time.

Apple plans to launch a “mixed reality” headset next year – with technology combining virtual & augmented reality. They’re inviting customers to Apple Stores to try it out and envision a reality where they have thousands of dollars to buy it.

For nearly 40 years, a set of human remains believed to be a victim of Seattle’s Green River Killer was known only as ‘Bones 17’. Advances in DNA technology finally provided investigators with a name: ‘Female Bones 17’.

TSA officers at New York’s LaGuardia Airport found 17 bullets in a clean disposable diaper in the carry-on bag of a male passenger bound for Chicago. He’s being investigated along with a 14-month old accomplice arrested with a concealed handgun.

Today marks the Winter Solstice – the longest night of the year. Or, second-longest next to the night of your kid’s school Christmas Pageant.

Starbucks CEO wants people to stop protesting the Israel/Hamas war at their stores – and get back to being dicks about how their half-caf, triple-vanilla-shot, soy milk, whipped cream, caramel drizzle frappucino order is wrong.

Jennifer Lopez says she still struggles with PTSD from the media attention over her first romance with Ben Affleck over 20 years ago, and embarrassment over being kicked out of a support group for veterans who served in Iraq.

An artificial intelligence death calculator developed at Technical University of Denmark reportedly predicts a person’s death date with uncanny accuracy. Although it keeps crashing from millions of people typing their spouse’s name into it.

A Michigan couple is suing their school district, saying their daughter was allowed to use male pronouns and take a new name without their permission. The district said the girl had merely gotten the lead as Kris Kringle in a school play.

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New research finds people who get up early may have inherited genetic variants from Neanderthal ancestors. Now if they could just stop dragging their spouse by the hair and hunting the family cat.

Poison control centers are getting a large volume of calls from people reacting adversely to weight-loss drugs Ozempic and Wegovy. This, according to parents waiting on hold for a half-hour after their kid ate the Tide Pods again.

Netflix issued its first-ever public data, ranking viewing of 18,000 different titles by number of hours watched. Comedian Rob Schneider is still searching for his standup special, and is up to 17,900-something.

Tesla issued a software update to 2 million vehicles with a fix to its autopilot function. Over half the cars refused it, telling their owners they drive just fine.

Sears reopened two retail stores in California and Washington – delighting locals who’ve waited several years to return Toughskins jeans that didn’t fit.

The Federal Communications Commission proposed a ban on early-termination and other ‘junk fees’ by cable video & internet providers. Cable companies warn this could punish consumers with higher prices, but also admit they’d be happy to have a new reason to charge higher prices.

Kid Rock said he’s done boycotting Bud Light, and that he has the vomit to prove it.

Popular Science shut down its online magazine, because it kinda wasn’t anymore.

Boston City Council held an ‘Electeds Of Color – No Whites’ holiday party. Then they got into a big argument about whether or not Santa could attend.

A former chef is accused of creating and selling over 1,200 “suicide kits” worldwide that led to dozens of deaths. He faces murder charges. However his cookbook is still a pretty hot seller.