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A New York man has a record-breaking 864 tattoos of insects on his body. “Is that a mosquito between your legs or is now just a bad time?” asked a prospective sex partner.

The FAA can levy a $30,000 fine and confiscate the drone of anyone flying theirs within 34 miles of SoFi Stadium around the Super Bowl. A 12-year-old L.A. boy who just wants to see the girl next door naked is expected to ask his parents for $30,399.

Argentinians are being urged to throw out cocaine after opioid-tainted batches killed 23 and put another 80 people in intensive care. The product has been pulled off the shelves of all Argentina Big Lots.

Jackass Forever premiered in theaters on Friday, and is also being considered as the slogan for a Donald Trump candidacy in 2024.

Amazon Prime is raising its price to $139, citing higher costs of shipping & Prime Video programming, and also the money it’s thinking of paying to Joe Rogan’s brother Moe Rogan to start a podcast.

Tesla recalled more than 800,000 vehicles to fix an issue with its “full self driving” software, and is also doing body work on the ones that crashed into telephone poles driving themselves in to the dealership.

COVID-19 cases are now trending downward in every U.S. state except for one. “We’ll get there!” said Alabama Governor Kay Ivey as she rode her donkey into work.

Kohl’s department store board of directors are attempting to fend off a hostile takeover from an activist investor group. It’s believed to the first time anyone’s attempted to acquire a publicly traded company with coupons.

Billionaires want to build “mixed use business parks” in low-earth orbit. And you think your commute is terrible now..

Netflix plans to release over 70 movies in 2022, including Knives Out 2, Enola Holmes 2, Pinocchio, and the rest are Adam Sandler movies.

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Meryl Streep used a body double in Netflix film ‘Don’t Look Up’, where she’s shown nude from behind in the final scene. Nonetheless, the buttocks were already nominated for Best Supporting Actress.

Dr. Dre reportedly settled his divorce with ex-wife Nicole Young for $100 million, payable in installments of wads of $100 bills stuffed into her underwear.

Bing Crosby’s California estate in the Coachella Valley is on the market with a $4.5 million asking price. The current owner is being selective about buyers, ruling out those touring the home just to see the rooms where Crosby beat his children.

Amanda Renee Henry was arrested for assaulting flight attendants on a Spirit Airlines flight after they cut off her alcohol. Henry was also vaping, making lewd advances to male passengers, and trying to break open the cabin door while in the air. She’s expected to take a leave of absence as Spirit’s CEO.

Archaeologists say Africans used beads to express status and emotions over 50,000 years ago, creating what they call the oldest social network on record. They say the most popular beads were the ones indicating Mute and Interested in tribal gatherings.

Nearly 17 feet of snow has fallen in California’s Sierra Nevada mountains in December alone. State weather researchers reported the totals alongside news of another 10-year-old suffering a heart attack while shoveling driveways.

Jada Pinkett Smith, who revealed in 2018 she suffers from alopecia, gave a recent update on her condition. The update is “still bald”.

Comedian Amy Schumer had a cosmetic facial procedure – ‘cheek fillers’ – dissolved, once she realized no other female comedians had jokes she could copy about getting cheek fillers.

A hiker searching for deer antlers near Branson, Missouri found the skeletal remains of missing MMA fighter David Koenig, who’d disappeared two years earlier. The hiker requested privacy during this difficult time of not finding any deer antlers.

Legendary NFL coach & broadcaster John Madden died at age 85, evoking both emotional tributes and outrage as EA Sports announced, then cancelled, plans to rename its football video game Collinsworth 2022.

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U.S. surgeons successfully transplanted a pig kidney to a human patient for the first time. However, the human patient is brain dead, so he’ll never get a chance to thank the pig.

Human remains were found near the belongings of Brian Laundrie in a Florida nature preserve. The remains were located next to a family of alligators looking at the dessert tray.

Donald Trump launched a new social media app ‘Truth Social’. Although they’re considering changing the name to ‘Facebook’ once that name is let go by the current owners.

Five veterans have resigned from embattled Arizona Senator Kyrsten Sinema’s advisory board. Although Sinema’s representative said she asked them to leave because they don’t know how to send bribes in Venmo.

NASA built a working electric motorcycle for moon exploration. Unfortunately violent gang Moon’s Angels already claimed the Sea of Tranquility as their turf.

LEGO issued the long-awaited ‘Home Alone‘ playset, then promptly recalled it after dozens of children suffered severe burns and puncture wounds.

‘The Sopranos’ creator David Chase is reportedly in discussions with HBO Max on a prequel series, where the lovable gang learns how to mix & pour concrete and use guns.

A tiny crab found preserved in 100-million-year-old amber lived among dinosaurs, and is believed to be responsible for annoying tyrannosaurus jock itch.

Female lawyers and judges in Afghanistan are reportedly in constant fear under the new regime. “The whole TRIAL is out of ORDER!!” said Taliban Pacino Esq.

Netflix CEO Ted Sarandos finally admitted that he “screwed up” – referring to his recent decision to air Rob Schneider’s stand-up special.

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Bruce Willis and John Travolta are in Hawaii filming bounty-hunter action pic ‘Paradise City’ – the first time they’ve starred in the same movie since ‘Pulp Fiction’, and the first time Netflix has said “no thanks” to a movie idea.

An unruly Delta Air Lines passenger was fined $52,500 for trying to enter the cockpit, punching a flight attendant, and refusing to comply with crew members instructions – specifically, the instruction to stop punching them.

COVID vaccine trials are underway for children ages 5 & under. It’s that shrieking noise you’re hearing.

Florida raised the legal age for smoking & vaping to 21, angering thousands of 20-year-old Florida high school students.

Trainer Bob Baffert is suspended from entering his racehorses in New York State after numerous doping allegations. In other news, Kentucky Derby winner Medina Spirit entered rehab.

Comedian John Mulaney, who announced he’s getting divorced, is rumored to be dating actress Olivia Munn. Mulaney isn’t losing a wife, he’s gaining 2 or 3 cup sizes.

Some ‘foodies’ are planning to eat BroodX cicadas once they emerge this month. “Come on, man, we haven’t had a vacation in 17 years” say cicadas.

Donald Trump collected $65,000 in pension payments from the federal government since leaving office in January. Which is a lot of money for new golf clubs.

Jaden Smith is partnering with New Balance on the $150 Vision Racer X sneaker. It’s the perfect shoe for 60-year-olds who are inspired by 22-year-olds that aren’t at all athletic.

Joe Rogan said on his podcast that woke/cancel culture will “be the end of straight, white men”. His predominantly straight, white audience agrees, but feels they’ve had a pretty good 500-or-so-year run.

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A man stole a 400-pound playground slide and placed it next to the bunk bed in his child’s bedroom. The man was turned in by several six-year-olds who followed him home, insisting that they never got their turn.

Ex-presidents Obama, Bush, Clinton & Carter joined their wives in a public service announcement promoting the COVID-19 vaccine. Donald & Melania Trump declined, but said they’d do one for penicillin shots.

A Twitch streamer played classic video game Super Mario World using only his voice. He alternates between saying “run”, “jump”, and several swear words.

Scientists want to send 6.7 million sperm samples to the moon. The ones Neil Armstrong & Buzz Aldrin left there have finally run out.

Prince William responded to Prince Harry & Meghan Markle’s interview, saying the Royals are very much not a racist family, forgoing the n-word to add “African-Brit please”.

A rare yellow cardinal was spotted in an Illinois backyard. The bird said if they gave him the fruit he asked for instead of sunflower seeds, his jaundice would go away.

Netflix is testing new limits on password sharing. So don’t expect your broke-ass buddies to be all caught up when Stranger Things comes back.

A sixth woman has accused New York Governor Andrew Cuomo of inappropriate touching or sexual harassment. His Italian grandmother is worried he STILL hasn’t found the right girl.

A cruise ship, the MSC Lirica, caught fire in Corfu, Greece, where it was awaiting passengers. None of the 51 crew members were injured, but the buffet menu was changed from offering steamed crab legs to smoked ones.

A worker at the Columbus Zoo was attacked by a cheetah while walking it for exercise. The worker, now released from the hospital, said he’ll be more open to the cheetah’s suggestions to walk faster.

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At the PGA Tour’s Workday Championship, several players honored Tiger Woods by wearing his signature Sunday outfit of a red shirt & black pants – then hitting on female servers in the clubhouse, and crashing their hospitality cars.

A new study claims the COVID-19 pandemic and lockdowns are causing married couples to have less sex, coining the new phrase “not tonight, I’m on a ventilator”.

A 74-year-old Florida man drowned while looking for a lost golf ball – the state’s first Putt-Putt fatality of 2021.

A live YouTube chat about chess was mistakenly shut down for hate speech by artificial intelligence screening for words like “black”, “white” & “attack”. A human moderator restored it, telling all of the queens to have a good time.

Taylor Swift reacted angrily to a line in Netflix show ‘Ginny and Georgia’, where a woman says her daughter “Goes through men faster than Taylor Swift”. Swift called it “sexist horse sh*t”. “We liked it” said Jake Gyllenhall, John Mayer, Harry Styles, Tom Hiddleston & others.

A study claims the Pfizer COVID-19 vaccine may be less effective in people with obesity. The study said they might want to try longer needles.

Physics researchers discovered the swirlon, a new state of active matter in motion. They found it while studying the matter around their heads when bullies shoved them in toilets.

Excavators unearthed a near-fully-intact bronze-and-tin chariot from the lost city of Pompeii. However, despite repeated attempts, they couldn’t get the horses to start.

A 24-year-old man was arrested for crashing through the gate of Kim Kardashian’s home because he wanted to see her. Cops then asked Kardashian to stand up and turn sideways so the guy could see her from a mile away.

Two women were removed from an American Airlines flight for using racial slurs and fighting with a male passenger. Their Texas-to-California flight was diverted to Phoenix, where they were arrested, then rebooked on a Spirit Airlines flight where they were two of the nicer passengers.

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Donald Trump was reportedly sicker with COVID-19 last fall than the public realized. Doctors considered placing him on a ventilator, and nurses said he was so weak, they couldn’t feel him grabbing their pussies.

Diabetes drug semaglutide shows unprecedented results helping patients lose weight from weekly injections. However, once injections stop, patients gain weight, so doctors are figuring out how to deliver the drug in cheeseburgers.

Paulina Porizkova, estranged wife of dead Cars frontman Ric Ocasek, said she was left completely broke because he wrote her out of his will. “You might think I have grocery money..” she told her friends.

Chappelle’s Show returned to Netflix after Comedy Central agreed to pay Dave Chappelle millions in royalties. Meanwhile, Rob Schneider sitcom Rob! remains off Netflix, despite Schneider agreeing to pay $13.99/month to subscribe.

Convicted felon Lori Loughlin requested federal officials return her passport, so she can leave the country and visit Hawaii.

Actress Brie Larson posted a YouTube video ‘My Morning Routine’. Her routine consists of a series of stretching exercises in a swimsuit, and getting ogled by thousands of creeps.

Tennis’ Australian Open once again banned spectators, after 13 cases of COVID-19 were traced to a Holiday Inn in host city Melbourne. Fortunately, no elite tennis players would be caught dead, or sick, at a Holiday Inn.

Due to COVID, the U.K. economy suffered its worst setback since 1709, when the Great Frost killed off a substantial portion of the population, and the introduction of scones killed even more.

The Houston Texans agreed to release All-Pro defensive tackle J.J. Watt. “Watt?!” said players still stuck on the team.

Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene allegedly had an extramarital affair with a tantric sex guru who calls himself “The Tantric Warrior”. The revelation is surprising those people finding out tantric sex gurus exist in suburban Georgia.

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A 30-year-old Georgia substitute teacher was arrested after recording video of herself secretly masturbating in front of a second grade class. “Hey, it beats doing multiplication tables” said a student.

Suzanne Somers was doing a Facebook Live makeup tutorial with her husband when a male intruder entered her house and started talking to her. Three is apparently not “company”, but rather “misdemeanor unlawful entry”.

Majority Leader Chuck Schumer and Minority Leader Mitch McConnell agreed on the terms of Donald Trump’s 2nd Impeachment Trial. Schumer agreed to keep it short, and McConnell agreed to make sure Democrats don’t get a conviction.

Hayley Hallmark, a 35-year-old Florida teacher and soccer coach, was arrested following a two-year affair with a female student. Hallmark said her goal was to show the student she cared enough to send her very best.

Paris Hilton returned to Utah to testify about alleged abuse she suffered at a private boarding school as a teenager. Hilton told legislators she was repeatedly subjected to harsh examinations to solve mathematical problems.

Mike Pence is launching a podcast, as soon as he stops getting distracted by the big, hard microphone.

Michelle Obama will star in a kids cooking show for Netflix, ‘Waffles & Mochi’. She’ll play a grocery store owner who helps two puppets – the title characters – try to become chefs despite failing to get a CARES Act small-business loan several times.

Walgreens COVID-19 vaccine signup page is reportedly crashing. The company said the website can’t handle the added volume for vaccine inquiries on top of visits from cheapskate men looking for Valentiine’s Day gifts.

Sotheby’s is selling a rare pair of Nike Hyperdunk high-top basketball sneakers designed for President Obama for $25,000. Meanwhile, Big Lots is selling Russian made MAGADunks donut-eating slippers for much less.

A GoFundMe to help Tessica Brown – the Louisiana woman who sprayed Gorilla Glue on her hair – raised over $13,000. She’ll fly to Los Angeles where a plastic surgeon will determine she forgot she’s been wearing a wig.

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Trump attorney Jenna Ellis tested positive for COVID-19. They would have put her on a ventilator, but she’d put herself on one after exposure to Rudy Giuliani’s farts at the Michigan election hearing.

Nevada’s highest court rejected the Trump campaign’s effort to overturn the state’s presidential election results. Trump lost the court case, and the $100,000 he wagered at The Mirage that he’d win it.

Google Pixel phones now take screenshots almost instantly. Pornhub subscribers with Google Pixel phones have already used up all their onboard storage.

Venice, Italy was flooded as a newly-installed eight-billion-dollar system of dams failed to activate. Residents quickly turned to prayer, as hundreds were heard shouting “God, dam it”.

Nicolas Cage will appear in a new Netflix show exploring the history of swear words, including recent history, as Netflix subscribers rant that they’ve raised prices another two f**king dollars a month.

CBS is developing a ‘Silence of the Lambs‘ sequel series, ‘Clarice‘. Set in 1993, the drama follows FBI Agent Clarice Starling as she helps Buffalo Bill open a big-and-tall second skin boutique.

After an ethics review, France’s government authorized “bionic soldiers” outfitted with special prosthetics and cyber-implants, allowing them to assess battle conditions and determine the best way to surrender.

A shark attacked a 56-year-old amateur surfer in Maui, forcing organizers to postpone the Maui Pro surfing tournament in the same location. “No, really, you guys should have it now. I’m full” said the shark.

Russia is telling recipients of the government’s two-shot Sputnik V COVID-19 vaccine they need to abstain from alcohol for 42 days, because it’s an immunosuppressant. So far, Sputnik V shots trail Stolichnaya shots by 1 million-to-1.

Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino is being reprimanded for only completing 15 of 500 community service hours from his tax evasion sentence. The court rejected his lawyer’s claims that “looking at Snooki” and “listening to Pauly D DJ” should count.

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Penn State University researchers say mouthwashes and oral rinses kill coronavirus. They studied several hundred Penn State freshman & sophomore dorm residents who really needed to wash their mouths out for some reason.

Netflix canceled Hillary Swank astronaut drama Away after one season. They’re considering merging it with another Netflix series recently cancelled after one season to make Teenage Bounty Hunters In Outer Space.

Melania Trump cancelled a planned appearance at her husband’s rally in Erie, Pennsylvania, citing a nagging cough, and also citing the rally being in Erie, Pennsylvania.

USA Today gave its first-ever presidential candidate endorsement to Joe Biden, although most people didn’t see it because they only read the red and purple sections.

As expected the Department of Justice filed antitrust charges against Google. Google denied monopoly power of its search technology, saying if people wanted to, they could use Bing. Then they ended the Zoom meeting and laughed for 20 minutes.

Ford unveiled a new self=driving vehicle it hopes to launch in 2022. It starts by memorizing familiar routes for Ford vehicles, like the way to the repair shop.

Donald Trump abruptly ended what was to have been a longer interview with 60 Minutes Lesley Stahl after 45 minutes, then did not return. Stahl said she regretted scheduling the interview when The Bachelorette was on.

California set a timetable for large theme parks like Disneyland to reopen at partial capacity – now it’s a race against time for princesses to fit into their dresses.

An estimated 67,000 felons residing in Florida are currently registered to vote – 67,003 if you count the guys currently robbing the bank across from a polling place.

A Texas woman died on a plane of COVID-19. Several Spirit Airlines passengers also died of unknown causes, which a spokesperson for Spirit Airlines called “a Tuesday”.