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General Mills announced Los Angeles Lakers all-star Lebron James will appear on Wheaties boxes. James then called a press conference to annouce that he was ‘taking his talents to Count Chocula’.

IndieWire called Adam Sandler’s new Netflix film ‘Hubie Halloween’ “the Halloween comedy America needs right now”. Which should give you some idea of what kind of shape America is in.

Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee said that, before his current sobriety, he was drinking two gallons of vodka a day. Lee added that, when the band resumes touring, he’ll need to get back Cerup to three gallons.

Mark Zuckerberg pledged $250 million to local governments, for their use managing elections that Facebook has effectively ruined.

After multiple positive COVID-19 tests in their ranks, all of the Joint Chiefs of Staff are currently under quarantine, making them the Individual Chiefs of the TV Remote.

Scotland shut down Glasgow and Edinburgh bars amidst a surge in COVID-19 cases, telling local drunks “you don’t have to go home lads, but you can’t quarantine here”.

McDonald’s is expanding its McCafe bakery offerings for the first time in ten years, introducing apple fritters, blueberry muffins & cinnamon rolls they made ten years ago.

Joe Biden committed to widespread cancellation of student loan debt, to the delight of deadbeat college grads who still won’t vote anyway.

NBC revealed that audience members were each given $150 for attending the season premiere of Saturday Night Live. Asked how they felt about the money, most said “underpaid”.

Donald Trump said he won’t participate in the October 15th debate, after it was changed to a virtual event. Trump said that between tweeting, and shopping Amazon Prime Day on the 13th & 14th, he may run out of mobile data.

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The zoo featured in Netflix series ‘Tiger King’ has been permanently closed. The tigers wish it were done sooner so they could have collected $600/week unemployment benefits.

Apple’s value has doubled in the past two years, from $1 trillion in $2 trillion dollars. Thanks to profit sharing, teenage assembly workers are now on track for early retirement at age 80.

Ghislaine Maxwell’s lawyers say she’s being monitored by prison psychologists for several hours a day without her knowledge. For their part, the psychologists say she’s getting pretty good at tying knots.

The Zoom videoconferencing app is coming to Facebook Portal, so the five people who bought one can chat with one another.

Google is testing the 6GHz spectrum in 17 states. In addition to the existing 2.4GHz and 5GHz spectrum, it’s expected to give households a third wifi network option that they don’t know how to set up.

The creator of MyPillow, Mike Lindell, is claiming oleandrin – a toxic floral compound – could treat coronavirus. Better still, if the FDA approves it, they’ll get a second oleandrin sample for free.

Discovery channel will air a three-part series, ‘Growing Belushi’, highlighting actor Jim Belushi’s legal cannabis farm in Oregon. So tune in if you’re looking for one of the few reasons not to like legal cannabis.

Donald & Melania Trump’s absentee ballots in Florida’s primary election were collected – all ten of them.

The Food & Drug Administration is launching a “substantive review” of Juul e-cigarettes. To complete it, they’ve requested permission to temporarily hire a bunch of cool kids.

A couple was caught having sex during a Zoom board meeting of Rio de Janeiro school counselors. The remaining participants fought about whether or not the sex should be on mute.

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Google announced employees will work from home until summer of 2021, saving the company $2 billion in free soft drinks and snacks.

The New York Giants will release Pro Bowl kicker Aldrick Rosas following his arrest earlier this summer for DUI and hit-and-run. Rosas tried to kick his drinking habit but missed.

17 Jersey Shore lifeguards tested positive for COVID-19 after attending parties. About 50 riptide rescues tested positive after mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

Kim Jong Un admitted the coronavirus has entered North Korea, but vowed to contain it with firing squads.

‘The Kissing Booth 2’ topped Netflix ratings over the weekend, as men continue to be shut out of viewing decisions.

Comet Neowise will be viewable one last time before it disappears into deep space for another 6,000 years, when it will be renamed Comet Deadbeat Dad.

Delta Airlines said they’ll strictly enforce an in-flight mask policy, and said passengers with health conditions preventing them from wearing one should consider not traveling at all. “Woof!” said an angry Delta flyer with kennel cough.

Dickson Yeo pleaded guilty to ‘being an illegal agent of a foreign power’ – providing China with U.S. Government secrets – after targeting officials on LinkedIn. His arrest followed LinkedIn emails titled “Congratulate Dickson on his five-year spying anniversary!”

U.K. Prime Minister Boris Johnson said “I was too fat” as he joins a nationwide campaign to fight obesity. Donald Trump is thinking of doing something similar, telling Melania she ought to drop a few pounds.

Rapper Post Malone filed for trademarks as a step toward launching the first professional beer pong league. Douchebags from around the globe will compete for the coveted Post Malone Swollen Liver trophy.

 

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Jeffrey Epstein lawyer Alan Dershowitz challenged Epstein accuser Virginia Roberts to say on camera she was forced to have sex with Dershowitz on multiple occasions, so she did it for a Netflix documentary.  “I object!” yelled 81-year-old Dershowitz at his tv.

In Minneapolis, protestors set fire to a police station as protests against the death of George Floyd continuted for a third day. Cops tried stopping the fire by kneeling on it, but were unsuccessful.

Twitter flagged another of Donald Trump tweets, this one for ‘glorifying violence’ while threatening Minneapolis protestors. Twitter also put the same flag on thousands of other tweets from men & women bragging about “blowing up” public restrooms. 

Anheuser-Busch is crowdsourcing ideas from creative people to market its new Social Club brand of hard seltzer. So far they’ve gotten a lot of pictures, videos and drawings of people emptying it into sinks. 

Tech companies Creston, Logitech & Zoom introduced a new home webcam system that lets you participate in Zoom calls on your tv from your couch – giving you a far more comfortable place to fall asleep during office Zoom calls.

Budget grocery chain Aldi said they’re expanding curbside pickup service, for people who don’t mind gathering their unbagged groceries dumped by the curb.

YouTube introduced video chapters, making it easier for your influencer wannabe friends to segment their longer videos that you’ll never watch.

An Australian zookeeper is in critical condition after being mauled by two lions. Other zoo animals condemned the lions’ failure to adhere to social distancing.

Researchers discovered the deepest octopus on record, 4.3 miles below the surface of the Indian Ocean. “What is ocean life, really?” asked the deep octopus.

A 51-year-old Bay Area California woman was arrested on hate crime charges after leaving notes on Asian-American homes telling residents to leave the country. She had no comment other than to express regret over handwriting the letters, because there are more Asians than she thought.

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Two of trainer Bob Baffert’s horses tested positive for banned substances, including Kentucky Derby favorite Charlatan. Charlatan and the other horse checked themselves into a rehab pasture.

Off-price retailer Tuesday Morning is closing 230 stores and declaring bankruptcy. A judge scheduled a hearing for Tuesday morning, but executives said they’re busy then.

Nevada casinos are set to reopen at partial capacity on June 4th. They’ll feature new touchless slot machines, where you hold your credit card next to it and it just tells you how much money you lost.

New streaming service HBO Max launched. It’s expected to compete with Netflix, Hulu, Disney+, Amazon Prime, YouTube Premium & others for people who look at the menu for 20 minutes and decide there’s nothing to watch.

The Federal Reserve reports massive unemployment during the pandemic is compounded by people who don’t want to return to their old jobs. They didn’t specify which jobs, only that it rhymed with ‘Glamazon Scaremouse’.

Tom Brady is selling his customized Cadillac Escalade for $300,000, just as soon as he removes the video of other NFL team practices from the DVD player.

Whisper, a 20-year-old beluga whale, gave birth to a calf at the Georgia Aquarium. Per Georgia tradition, the father is expected to return for a shotgun whale wedding.

A rare bottle of cognac sold for $146,000 at auction, thus increasing the budget for a hip-hop artist’s new video by $146,000.

Joe Biden says he hopes to announce his running mate by August 1st – so, in about two weeks.

Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg, responding to Twitter fact-checking Donald Trump, said he doesn’t believe social media should be the ‘arbiter of truth’ – especially when there’s so much money to made peddling bullshit.

 

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The University of California system will phase out SAT & ACT test requirements, over claims the tests are biased against minorities and rich white dopes.

Authorities in Delaware arrested a man for the alleged sexual assault of ponies. The case was turned over to SHAVU – Special Horse Assault Victims Unit. [story h/t to N.K.]

A 31-year-old woman claims she and her two young children were ‘hunted’ at a Target location by three men who parked behind her in a windowless van. She then posted safety tips to other young moms who may be Target Targets. 

Some scientists believe strong strains of cannabis can prevent or treat COVID-19. And by “scientists”, they mean guys in their parents garage making a ventilator with a bong attachment. 

Netflix will begin purging subscribers who haven’t used the service in a year. Comcast said they have no similar plans, since they collect millions billing dead people. 

In a Philadelphia suburb, women in a Facebook group ‘Fairy Dust’ each other – leaving anonymous gift bags filled with treats on porches as random acts of kindness. Men can’t participate, after repeated warnings against leaving pics of their Fairy Wand in bags. 

Fitbit launched a COVID-19 early detection study via the Fitbit app. If their tracker detects symptoms, they’re advised to take 10,000 steps toward a hospital. 

IKEA released multiple sets of plans to build homes for bees, to sustain their dwindling populations. They advise patience while the queen bee tells you you’re taking too long to finish making it. 

Crayola released a new 32-crayon ‘Colors Of The World’ box, with shades better representing diverse skin tones of people throughout the world. “Delicious!” said kids. 

Donald Trump complained that Fox News is “doing nothing” to help him get reelected. Meanwhile, ABC, CBS, NBC, CNN and others are doing their part to help Joe Biden get elected, by not airing quotes from Joe Biden. 

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The Wall Street Journal reports that New York sent recovering COVID-19 patients to nursing homes, sickening elderly residents and angering others that newbies were winning the weekly bingo games.

An Australian woman shared her cleaning hack, placing a dishwasher detergent tablet in a sponge to clean her glass shower door. The door is spotless, but she suffered lacerations after tripping on a pile of plates she took into the shower with her.

Good Housekeeping issued their list of the 8 Top Outdoor Security Cameras, which they tested by gauging how effective they were catching the neighbor’s dog taking a dump in your yard.

McDonald’s released their plans for reopening restaurants. To limit the spread of virus, teenagers will be encouraged to throw their plastic trays in the garbage.

McDonald’s will also offer new COVID-19 Happy Meals – the toy is a face mask or a bottle of hand sanitizer.

Browser extension Scener lets you create watch parties so you can stream Netflix or HBO Go content alongside a Zoom-type videoconference meeting. It’s for people living in isolation who don’t have a spouse or partner to yell “shut up” at while they watch tv.

Iggy Azalea returned to Instagram, as the platform detected a steep rise in unintelligible gibberish.

Walmart just launched a new line of backpacking gear – after noticing how many homeless people don’t have backpacks.

Chick-fil-A is now the second-highest-grossing restaurant chain in the U.S., trailing only McDonald’s. They’re so flush with cash, executives are considering a huge offer to land free agent mascot, Grimace.

Cuba Gooding Jr serenaded Los Angeles nurses to thank them for their work during the COVID-19 pandemic, leaving some nurses wondering who he was, and others wondering why they couldn’t get someone more famous to sing for them.

 

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Little Caesars is offering free delivery all this week. However, it’s the first time health officials have advised ‘social distancing’ from terrible pizza.

Nintendo is delaying some physical-copy shipments of new community-building game Animal Crossing: New Horizons, while they add new gameplay where nobody in the community gets anything done for at least two months. 

A new viral video craze, ‘the coronavirus challenge’ has emerged, with young people licking doorknobs and toilet seats. This is different from the coronavirus challenge among older people – not dying. 

The European Union is urging Netflix to stop showing video in high definition to keep the Internet stable. In other news, ‘cam girls’ welcome the switch to standard definition streaming since it saves them money on makeup. 

Ivanka Trump urged parents to share fun ways to spend time with their children, like ‘having the nannies put on a show’, ‘watching your servants disinfect the house’, and ‘cheering as grampa insults asians’. 

Motley Crue bassist Nikki Sixx shared a surprise quarantine photo with his family. Motley Crue guitarist Mick Mars shared a surprise quarantine photo hooked up to his ventilator. 

Formula 1 Racing’s Monaco Grand Prix has been canceled, after Prince Albert tested positive for COVID-19. Prince Albert will be in a can indefinitely. 

Scientists identified a new species of shark in the West Indian Ocean – six-gill sawsharks.  They have long snouts, external teeth and feelers, and were discovered auditioning for a terrible new movie on SyFy Channel.

Donald Trump will no longer shake hands. He’ll also no longer kiss babies, unless he buys another beauty pageant. 

Westfield Malls announced it’s closing all of its locations, with the exception of “essential” retail outlets. Mall officials will meet with a contingent of douchebags to assess whether Hot Topic will stay open. 

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The Centers for Disease Control is recommending older Americans stay home whenever possible to keep from catching coronavirus. Netflix reportedly paid $80 million to acquire one year’s worth of broadcast rights to ‘Matlock’.

The NBA issued a coronavirus memo to teams saying they should prepare to play games without fans. NBA players wanting to know what it’s like playing in front of no fans are asking WNBA players.

Melania Trump criticized those who made fun of her posting photos overseeing the new White House tennis pavilion. She’s moved on to overseeing hiring the new White House tennis pro, via a series of interviews in her bedroom.

Plus-sized supermodel Ashley Graham recognized International Women’s Day by posting a photo of herself during the birth of her son in January. She said it was the most challenging and amazing thing she’s ever done – losing ten pounds in a day.

IKEA, which closed all 30 of its stores in China amidst the coronavirus outbreak, reopened 14 of them and debuted a new slogan: “If the virus doesn’t kill you, neither will assembling a dresser.”

Cruise passengers stuck on the Carnival Panorama for an extra day finally disembarked in Long Beach. They said the extra time was a minor inconvenience, and that they stayed entertained watching reigning cruise champion norovirus battle coronavirus.

Spring Break destinations popular with college students are said to be monitoring the spread of viral disease, although some people are happy the herpes virus will have some company this year.

Harvey Weinstein, imprisoned at Rikers Island awaiting sentencing for a rape conviction, reportedly hit his head in a fall. Weinstein is not permitted to use a walker, or a stunt double

XFL officials said game attendance is holding steady – and by that they mean all of the players are still showing up.

Donald Trump and Mike Pence will not attend the Congressional St. Patrick’s Day lunch, the first time since its inception that neither the president or vice-president will attend. A White House spokesman cited event host Nancy Pelosi’s impeachment actions, and the absence of Shamrock Shakes on the menu.

 

 

 

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Following his conviction on two counts of rape and sexual assault, Harvey Weinstein was taken to prison, but then rushed to a hospital after complaining of chest pains.. and scratchy prison bathrobes ..and a lack of 20-something female guards.

The White House asked Congress for $2.5 billion to fight the COVID-19 coronavirus, but Congress argued China already built a wall.

NASA’s InSight lander has detected a mysterious humming coming from planet Mars, possibly because Uptown Funk was playing on InSight’s satellite radio.

A Florida police officer’s body cam video showed him handcuffing a 6-year-old girl and putting her in a squad car after she threw a tantrum. The officer was fired, and charges against the girl for assault with a fidget spinner were dropped.

Dana Ghazi Mustafa, 27, was arrested following a flight from Frankfurt to Washington DC where she yelled “I’m going to stab everyone on on this plane. Then kill myself. I’m Palestinian! That’s how we get down.” She was reportedly angry that the crew refused to give her a tour of the cockpit.

More than a dozen states have introduced legislation requiring public schools to offer free feminine hygiene products in their bathrooms. Some states are hesitant, saying the move requires additional expense to train gym teachers what they’re for.

Netflix will issue daily lists of the ten most popular shows and movies in almost 100 countries. They’ll issue a separate Top 10 list of the most popular shows for Netflix & Chill.

It’s National Pancake Day and IHOP is offering its customers free pancakes, and a new training course for restaurant managers on how to evict homeless people.

In honor of the Shamrock Shake’s 50th Anniversary, McDonald’s is auctioning a gold & diamond Shamrock Shake cup valued at $90,000 – although the value drops significantly once you put a Shamrock Shake in it because the gold corrodes.

Sleep experts say sleeping on your side is the best position for feeling good the next day, since side-sleep aligns the spine, and turning on your side lets your partner know there’s no way it’s happening tonight.