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For the first time, the NCAA announced that they’ll provide payments to university athletes. Men’s football & basketball athletes were disappointed to lear that the payments will be delivered by direct deposit, and not prostitutes.

Doctors have developed a new blood test to detect colon cancer. They draw blood, and a dog sniffs it.

For the first time since the Francis Scott Key Bridge collapsed, cruise ships are departing from Baltimore’s harbor. To honor the tragedy, 21 Carnival Cruise ship passengers vomited over the side of their ship as it departed.

Nicki Minaj was arrested at Amsterdam airport on a drug possession charge – rebooting the old ‘Oprah smuggling 50 pounds of crack’ joke.

America’s tallest water slide, Rise Of Icarus, opened at Mt Olympus Water Park in Wisconsin. It’s 145 feet tall, and is staffed by technicians trained to use the Jaws of Life to extract swimsuits from butt cracks.

A 11-year-old fifth grader raised $7,200 to pay off the lunch debt owed by all children at his school. His next mission is to raise money to pay the hospital bills for all of the kids who ate the salisbury steak.

A new study finds couples who drink together live longer – since it helps them forget what makes them angry at each other.

Scientists discovered a potential link between tattoos and blood cancer. They urge people not to get a new tattoo to commemorate their battle with blood cancer.

Pope Francis allegedly commented on gay men not being allowed to train for the priesthood in seminary because there’s already enough ‘f*ggotry’ taking place. His peers were surprised by the language, but admitted the dude makes a fair point.

Bruce Springsteen cancelled concerts after losing his voice. He was sent best wishes by Bob Dylan and Motley Crue’s Vince Neil, who also lost their voice but continue to perform anyway.

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Pope Francis revealed confidential details of the secret papal voting conclave in an interview for an upcoming book. He claims he was asked to participate in a scheme to block the election of Pope Benedict in 2005 – but Mike Pence refused to help.

Donald Trump’s $175 million bond to appeal his New York State financial fraud conviction was issued by high interest auto lender Knight Insurance Group. Details weren’t revealed but it’s believed to cost him 20% every month, but they’re throwing in a repossessed Pontiac Aztek.

Regulators are concerned over the growing popularity of smokeless, tobacco-free nicotine pouches such as Zyn among young people, creating a new wave of nicotine addiction. Zyn pouches surpassed Takis as the most-traded-for item in junior high cafeterias.

Executive consultancy McKinsey is cutting staff, but is paying them to find new jobs. The bad news is they have to pay other McKinsey consultants $500/hour to help them.

‘Selling Sunset’ celebrity realtor Christine Quinn obtained a restraining order against husband Christian Dumontet after his violent outbursts. Quinn has downgraded their marriage from ‘fixer upper’ to ‘total teardown’.

Ukraine President Volodymyr Zelensky is lowering the draft age for the national army, fortifying troop levels, but making high school girls soccer teams less competitive.

Researchers discovvered that the nutrients in vegetables such as green beans, broccoli and asparagus have dropped significantly over the last 50 years. This evidence was presented to a young couple by their 3rd-grader as he lobbied to have Froot Loops for dinner.

200 musicians authored an open letter calling on tech companies to refrain from irresponsible use of Artificial Intelligence. The letter was signed by artists including Billie Eilish, Nicki Minaj, hologram Tupac and the four avatars who now make up KISS.

New York’s Metropolitan Transit Authority, MTA, wants to charge runners in the NYC Marathon for crossing the Verrazzano-Narrows Bridge. Or if they don’t want to pay up, swim across the Hudson River and call it the NYC Two-Thirds Of A Triathlon.

NFL Network ‘Good Morning Football’ host Jamie Erdahl described complications surrounding the emergency c-section birth of her daughter on March 30th. Her daughter is healthy, but her co-host’s use of the telestrator as she told the story was awkward.

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An Alaska Airlines jet carrying pets arrived at its Portland, Oregon airport gate with its cargo door already open. People living near the airport said it was raining cats & dogs.

Senator Katie Britt admitted the human trafficking anecdote she shared to criticize President Biden’s immigration policies happened before his presidency..and was actually the movie Taken.

The FDA finally outlawed brominated vegetable oil, an ingredient in citrus sodas banned in most other countries that contibutes to metabolic disease. Recall notices were being prepared for Mountain Dew Lemon-Lime Thyroid Blast.

A new study finds diets that mimic fasting five days a month lowers biologic age. Study participants say they haven’t felt this great since they were starving five years ago.

Pope Francis suggested Ukraine show “the courage of the white flag” and give in to Russia. He also suggested altar boys show “the courage of the White Claw’ and party with him at his place.

Oppenheimer won seven Oscars including Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actor, Best Supporting Actor, and most frequently mentioned film that people said they loved but couldn’t finish.

$2.99 Trader Joe’s canvas tote bags are reselling for hundreds of dollars online. They were originally made to help customers collect the pieces that fall off their car when it gets hit in the Trader Joe’s parking lot.

Dan Hilferty, CEO of the parent company of the NHL’s Philadelphia Flyers, said the team will pay a $50,000 fine incurred by head coach John Tortorella for arguing with referees. Hilferty heard from Donald Trump, who said he’s a huge Flyers fan and was wondering if Hilferty wanted to pay off any of his judgments.

Princess Kate Middleton apologized for Buckingham Palace releasing a modified photo of her & her family, attributing it to her “experimenting with editing”. The Kardashian/Jenner family then apologized 50,000 times for every photo they’ve ever shared.

A human resources expert tells CNBC that they spend “25 times” longer reviewing LinkedIn profiles versus resumes. And another “50 times” longer than that getting ready to fire people.

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Volkswagen is adding artificial intelligence ChatGPT to its cars. Now a Volkswagen can earn a Bachelor’s degree from Arizona State.

Tiger Woods & sponsor Nike are splitting up after 27 years. Nike allegedly found sexts from Adidas on his phone and struck his car with a five-iron.

Electronics manufacturer LG unveiled the world’s largest 77-inch transparent TV, which you can see through when it’s turned off. LG says it makes rooms look bigger, and allows ordinary people with priceless paintings to mount them behind the TV.

The Perkiomen Valley school board in suburban Philadelphia approved a dog for one of the district’s middle schools. The dog will provide students with emotional support and can also eat homework.

Apple debuted its Vision Pro “mixed reality” headset, which ships in early February and costs $3,499. They recommend married couples buy two, so each person can visualize someone else in the bedroom on date nights.

Gabriel Attal, 34, became France’s youngest and first openly gay Prime Minister, and the country’s fourth gay Prime Minister.

Google is working with states so users can add drivers licenses to Google Wallet. Google doesn’t expect to add Mississippi anytime soon since officials there keep telling Google they don’t know how to print their cell phone screen.

Pope Francis called for a ban on surrogacy, saying it’s “exploitation”. Kim Kardashian, who has two kids via surrogate, disagreed, saying it’s both “a bargain, especially if you buy two” and “the best way to have kids without having sex with Kanye”.

United Airlines & Alaska Airlines found loose bolts when inspecting their grounded fleet of Boeing 737 Max 9 jets. Spirit Airlines also inspected their full aircraft fleet and reported no loosening of duct tape or Flex Seal super glue.

Alex Crow, 30, an Alabama priest who fled to Italy to marry an 18-year-old female Catholic school student he’d “groomed”, will be removed as a priest by Pope Francis. But Francis still said he’d buy them something from their registry at Crate & Barrel.

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Pope Francis approved blessings of same-sex couples, so long as the couples don’t confuse the blessing with the sacrament of marriage, and as long as he’s one-half of the couple.

She was fired as host of Jeopardy! Who is Mayim Bialik?

Home prices dropped more than 10% in the past year in San Francisco and Austin. If this trend continues, Gen Z buyers in those cities will qualify for a 30-year mortgage when they’re 63.

Pittsburgh’s U.S. Steel is being acquired by Japan’s Nippon Steel for $14 Billion. The NFL’s Pittsburgh Steelers will now be the Pittsburgh Steerers.

Israeli Defense Force soldiers claim to have found the largest Hamas tunnel in Gaza. It’s so big it has three Hamas EZ Pass lanes.

Microsoft Word is being criticized for its “inclusivity checker” feature, and for Clippy the Clip’s return to remind you of its preferred pronouns.

A new study finds that the average American eats the daily caloric equivalent of a fourth meal comprised entirely of junk food. Study authors can’t decide whether to call it Arbreakfast, McLunch, or Dinner Bell.

LGBT lawmakers in New York State want to ban Chick-fil-A from rest stops on the New York State Thruway. They’re evaluating suitable alternatives after finding out Popeye and Roy Rogers weren’t that crazy about gay people either.

Rapper Blueface threw a female fan off the stage during a performance in Utah, then told his rapper/fiance/co-performer Jaidyn to beat her up. The woman was safely escorted out by security, then resigned as Preaident of the Blueface Fan Club.

Kendall Jenner and Bad Bunny are reportedly no longer a couple. It may be the first time a supermodel has been dumped by a Playboy Bunny.

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For the first time ever, a Lifetime Christmas movie – ‘A Cowboy Christmas Romance‘ – features a sex scene. Copyright issues forced producers to switch out the film’s original title: ‘Brokeback Santa’s Workshop’.

Pope Francis canceled a planned trip to Dubai to attend a climate change conference because he’s still recovering from the flu – and not at all because his travel partner told him at the last minute that homosexuality is illegal in the United Arab Emirates.

A Virgin Atlantic Boeing 787 became the first jet to cross the Atlantic Ocean using sustainable, non-fossil fuel. Meanwhile, a Spirit Airlines Boeing 727 manufactured in 1963 became the first jet to barely make it from Chicago to Los Angeles on a quarter-tank of gas.

Kraft introduced vegan Mac & Cheese – just when you thought toddlers couldn’t possibly be even pickier douchebags.

Red Lobster said they recorded an $11 million quarterly loss on their Endless Shrimp promotion. Although final numbers aren’t yet available because a few hundred families that started over the summer are still going.

Golden Bachelor Gerry Turner’s alleged ex-girlfriend said he lied to ABC producers about their 3-year relationship after his wife died, and that he refused to take her to his high-school reunion because she gained weight. He ended their relationship by refusing to give her a rose. Or a text back. Or orgasms.

UK’s Metro Bank announced it was cutting 20% of its workers just weeks before Christmas. Metro Bank’s Board of Directors and CEO were then informed they’d each be visited by Three Spirits on Christmas Eve.

Trolls are accusing Beyonce of whitening her skin. Trolls are leaving Taylor Swift alone, because she couldn’t get any whiter if she tried.

Barry Manilow performed at the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree Lighting, and was criticized for his appearance by viewers who said he used too much Botox. Manilow clapped back, singing he can’t smile without it.

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Tiffany Haddish was arrested for her second DUI in as many years, both times falling asleep behind the wheel of her vehicle. She’s thinking of either entering rehab, or getting a Tesla that can drunk-drive itself.

For the third time, Diddy was sued by a woman alleging sexual assault and physical abuse – once again leaving fans to wonder Diddy? or Diddny? If this keeps up, he’s considering another name change to Diddn’t.

Wildlife officials warn that feral Canadian “super pigs” are threatening to migrate to the U.S. You’ll know them by their unique “Oonk”.

Life At Sea Cruises canceled their planned 3-year global voyage after admitting to ticketholders that they don’t have a boat. Despite issuing refunds, they’re facing lawsuits from passengers who rented out their homes, and adult children who thought they wouldn’t have to see their parents for three years.

Former Minneapolis police officer Derek Chauvin was stabbed in a federal prison in Tucson the day after Thanksgiving. In other news, the inmate store posted record sales of shanks during their Black Friday Cellbuster Deal Day.

Pope Francis cancelled his planned Thanksgiving activities after being briefly hospitalized with the flu – but gave thanks that he caught the flu from some cute young altar boys.

Elon Musk’s Neuralink brain chip implant company raised $43 million in funding, after he told other billionaires with chips implanted in their brains to give him $43 million.

Black Friday shoppers were evacuated from the American Dream Mall in New Jersey, following a bomb scare by someone threatening to turn it in to the Iraqi Dream Mall.

Taylor Swift posed for a photo with five family members of Ana Clara Benevides, who died of heat exhaustion & cardiac arrest at her concert in Brazil a week earlier. Her funeral is postponed after the family blew $2,000 each on concert tickets.

The NBA is investigating claims that Oklahoma Thunder guard Josh Giddey had an inappropriate relationship with a minor. In the meantime, Giddey will continue to play, and the young woman will enter the NBA’s Development Program for Groupies.

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The newest TikTok trend is ‘banana botox’ – rubbing a banana peel on your face to remove wrinkles and tighten pores. Hundreds of users report more youthful skin, but also more sprains and concussions from slipping on banana peels.

80s hair metal icons Twisted Sister are planning a one-off reunion show as Your Twisted Much Older Sister.

Shuttered New York City comedy club Carolines is reportedly being replaced by a high-end ping-pong club. But just to be safe they’ve already banned Chris D’Elia.

More classified documents were found in Joe Biden’s garage. Some were classified documents, others were ‘Classified’ folders hiding back issues of Juggs.

Grand slam tennis champion Naomi Osaka is pregnant. No word whether this was a planned pregnancy, or a condom/birth control pill double-fault.

Pope Francis will deliver remarks at the funeral of Cardinal George Pell, a convicted, then exonerated, child molester who criticized Francis’ inclusion of LGBTQ Catholics. It’s expected to be the first papal address to begin “So long, asshole…”.

A Michigan school district is under fire for a 6th Grade field trip to the Detroit Symphony that ended with students in an adult lounge with stripper poles, adjacent to the restaurant where they ate pizza. The manager of the strip club was quoted saying some of the students “have real potential”.

MacKenzie Scott, billionaire ex-wife of Jeff Bezos, finalized her divorce from second husband Dan Jewett after just one year of marriage. A prenuptial agreement was in place, so he probably won’t get Amazon stock, but will split custody of the Prime Video account to watch Thursday Night Football.

A new study finds 45% of single men wait up to four months before washing bedsheets, or until their dogs decide to sleep somewhere else.

Kanye West was seen dining with a mystery woman in Los Angeles, that he met on No-Jdate.

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The White House publicly condemned Texas Governor Greg Abbott for sending busloads of migrants to Vice President Kamala Harris’ house on Christmas Eve. The migrants were just happy not to end up in Buffalo.

Kathy Whitworth, the winningest professional golfer ever with 88 tournament championships, passed away. Whitworth’s last title was the Lady Michelob Championship in 1982 – Lady Michelob is now known as Michelob Ultra.

GOP Congressman elect George Santos admitted to lying about his employment history and his education. He still plans to serve in Congress, but faces suspension and other sanctions from LinkedIn.

Pope Francis confirmed that retired Pope Benedict is “very sick”. It’s reached the point where Benedict reportedly asks the altar boys he’s molesting to move his hands for him.

A White House employee testified to the January 6th Committee that Donald Trump did not know his presidential schedule was public until his final weeks in office. Trump then demanded a less-detailed version be created, so instead of ‘golf and tv’, it just said ‘tv’.

A Buffalo, NY couple has cared for the body of a woman they found dead outside of their home during the city’s blizzard. But first they tried to revive her by placing an old silk hat they found on her head.

Police in Mexico arrested a truck driver transporting 660 pounds of fentanyl hidden inside of coconuts. They believe the narcotics point-of-origin was Gilligan’s South Pacific Drug Island.

Southwest Airlines CEO Bob Jordan issued a public apology for the carrier’s cancellation of thousands of flights over the Christmas holiday, ending his statement with a *ding*, letting ticket holders know they are free to move about the boarding gate where they’ve been sleeping for the past two nights.

Kim Kardashian cried during a podcast when discussing co-parenting with Kanye West, calling it “really f**king hard” – as opposed to her time dating Pete Davidson, calling that “f**king really hard”.

McDonald’s is testing a fully-automated location in Texas with no human workers to serve customers. They plan to roll it out in other locations as soon as the robots learn how to half-fill boxes of large fries.

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Jeopardy! champion Amy Schneider lost, ending a streak of 40 consecutive victories when she couldn’t remember Bangladesh as the only country ending in ‘H’. The third place finisher guessed Canadah.

Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer announced his retirement. President Biden is expected to nominate a liberal black woman, who, in turn, is expected to uphold the long fingernails of the law.

A Coatesville, Pennsylvania man followed a woman home and shot her & her brother because she bumped into him at a grocery store. The store has temporarily disabled the ability to buy handguns with loose change at Coinstar.

Spotify acted on Neil Young’s ultimatum and dropped his music from the service, keeping the Joe Rogan Podcast. Now a petition signed by 50 million Spotify subscribers asks Rogan to threaten to quit unless they pull the new Kid Rock single.

A 77-year-old Polish man is now sharing the story of a 20-year-old housekeeper, Irena Gut, who hid him and 12 other Jews in the basement of a Nazi officer’s home. He called her a lifesaver, but not exactly the best cleaner he’d ever seen.

Pope Francis called on parents to “never condemn” their gay children. Adding “and, you know, some child molesters aren’t all that bad either if you get to know ’em.”

A Philadelphia man shot his adult son, then the son took the gun and shot his father. No medical information is available on them, but police believe the two may never agree who the Eagles should take with their three first-round draft picks.

Scientists claim to have regrown a frog’s missing leg with a “chemical cocktail” – though they’re not sure it will taste as good as the one they removed.

Doctors conclude the COVID-19 vaccine will not impact menstruation, but women may still act kinda bitchy for a few days before they get it.

A man crashed his car into Taylor Swift’s New York City apartment building. He’s facing DUI charges once he shakes it off in a holding cell.