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CNN published a list of 6 Things To Look For during tonight’s presidential debate. All 6 are other shows airing at 9p.m.

The Tampa Bay Lightning defeated the Dallas Stars in six games to win the Stanley Cup in the NHL ‘bubble’ in Edmonton. They’ll be bringing the Cup home to share with fans in a superspreader event.

Grand jury proceedings in the Breonna Taylor case will be released to the public following a judge’s order. Then those documents will be summarized for the Cliff Notes Rioter’s Edition.

COVID-19 has claimed one million lives worldwide, and it’s looking forward to expanding that number once Tom Cruise gets to the International Space Station.

Amazon introduced Amazon One – a contactless way to authenticate purchases or allow ticketless entry by scanning your palm. It also won’t let you buy something or enter a stadium until you wash your filthy hands.

Scientists discovered evidence of multiple underground lakes on Mars; it’s signs next to the lakes reading “swim at your own risk”.

Disney + ‘GroupWatch’ is now available in the U.S. – so up to six different streamers can watch the same program at once, and one can tell the other five to shut the f*** up during The Mandalorian Season 2 premiere.

A new musical variety show debuted, featuring a singing hologram of Whitney Houston. Then it shut down when the hologram checked into rehab.

Pornhub is showing ‘Califreaknik Pool Party’ – film of a Labor Day party during the pandemic featuring nude dancers. Women who arrived topless were reportedly let in for free. Cops shut the party down despite dancers oiling their bodies with Purell.

Kylie Jenner posted bikini photos on Instagram, urging her 200 million followers to register and vote. So far several million morons followed her advice and cast votes for Kylie Jenner.

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Director Josh Hawley confirmed his new Star Trek film will have a completely new crew – guaranteeing six nobody actors income for life signing autographs and taking pictures with nerds.

Kanye West shared video of himself urinating on a Grammy award. “Hey, anyone seen my missing Grammy award?” asked Taylor Swift.

Bad news: the CDC Director said coronavirus vaccines won’t be widely available until the middle of next year. Good news: they’ll be for COVID-19, 20 & 21.

Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton are rumored to be breaking up. If so, we’ll get terrible country and ska songs out of it.

Investigators found traces of a nerve agent used to poison Russian opposition leader Alexei Navalny on a hotel water bottle. Navalny, who is recuperating, said that’s the last time he stays at Red Roof Inn in Siberia.

The U.S. Golf Association’s U.S. Open started today, delayed by three months, now that they could finally get tee times.

WNBA great Maya Moore married Jonathan Irons, a wrongfully convicted man who she helped free from prison. Moore plans to remind Irons of this when they have an argument about housework.

Elon Musk’s SpaceX is launching 60 more Starlink Internet satellites, as part of its longer-term plan to launch broadband Internet service to rural areas that can’t yet access Pornhub.

A survey of frequent fliers named Ireland’s Donegal Airport the world’s most scenic landing spot. The same survey named the world’s worst landing spot “any middle seat on Spirit Airlines”.

Students at University of Wisconsin – Madison who test positive for COVID-19 are sent to a special “COVID dorm”. They’re disapointed at first, but happy at not having to wear masks when they hook up.

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CBS cancelled Matt LeBlanc sitcom ‘Man With A Plan’. Remaining episodes will be aired as ‘Man Needs A Plan’.

Tesla may bring Zoom videoconferencing to their electric cars, giving birth to the phrase: “could the guy who just wrapped his car around a tree please mute?”

Donald Trump’s decision to paint the border wall black could cost an additional $500 million. It could also encourage more Mexicans to try and go around the wall because black is so slimming.

The Treasury Department says coronavirus stimulus checks mailed to dead people should be returned to the IRS. But first, the checks should be removed from their hands.

Adele showed off her recent weight loss in a photo thanking frontline workers during the pandemic. In turn, frontline workers say they have an even greater appreciation for Adele, since they don’t just want to hear her sing – they also want to have sex with her.

Astronomers say they’ve found the black hole closest to Earth, that consumes and destroys anything near it – it’s the satellite that delivers Pornhub.

Tinder’s next major update will be a feature to enable video dating. Then the next major update will be a panic button for when women inevitably see a guy’s dick.

Twitter is testing a streamlined interface for users to interact with ‘threaded’ conversations – they’re calling it A Bigger Mute Button.

National Nurses Day was recognized with drive-by tributes from citizens thanking nurses with signs and horn-honking. Although others complained of delays because they just wanted to get to the ER and push their sick grandparents out of the car.

Researchers are testing a new stick-on patch that monitors coronavirus symptoms and progress. Although patients are warned to be on the lookout for fake devices with ‘Kick Me’ on them.

 

 

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Kevin Durant of the NBA Brooklyn Nets tested positive for COVID-19. He’s concerned his body doesn’t know how to play defense.

The City of Philadelphia advised officers not to make arrests for minor crimes to prevent COVID-19 exposure risk, so instead they’re just shooting people who try to steal donuts. 

A resident of Spain attempted to walk the streets in an inflatable Tyrannosaurus Rex costume while their city is on lockdown. Before he could be apprehended, he was killed by three other Spaniards dressed as velociraptors.

Around the country, municipalities and hospitals are setting up drive-thru test sites for the coronavirus. So far, the biggest challenges are shortages of COVID-19 test kits and french fries. 

Gamestop cancelled a midnight release event for new video game Doom Eternal, saying that doom will be arriving pretty soon, anyway. 

Dollar General and Target are dedicating specific times each week for senior shoppers and those with underlying health concerns –  allowing parking lot muggers to plan their day accordingly. 

The Federal Aviation Administration closed a control tower at Chicago Midway airport after workers there tested positive for coronavirus. In its place, pilots were radioed a recorded message saying “just take turns”. 

A Google Chrome browser extension called ‘Netflix Party’ lets users watch Netflix content on their computers and chat at the same time. It’s proven to be a lot more popular than ‘Pornhub Party’. 

Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden is now receiving protection from Secret Service agents, who reintroduce themselves to him every morning. 

A Kentucky man who tested positive for coronavirus checked himself out of a hospital, but is now forced to remain at home by sheriff’s deputies. Yet, in accordance with Kentucky law, he’s still allowed to sit in a rocking chair on his porch clad only in overalls while clutching a rifle. 

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White Claw hard seltzer added three new flavors – lemon, watermelon & tangerine. Their next new flavor will be beer.

Fans of The Masked Singer are outraged at the early eliminations of Chaka Khan and Dionne Warwick. Khan and Warwick said that they, too, are angry they won’t win a contest that pays no money while they sing dressed in mouse and monster costumes.

Fox News contributor Britt McHenry underwent surgery to remove a golf-ball sized brain tumor. Now that she has even less brain tissue, her support is stronger than ever for Donald Trump.

A Philadelphia person tested for the coronavirus does not, in fact, have the infection. Like so many others, it turns out there are lots of places the coronavirus wants to visit before Philadelphia.

Pro wrestler & notorious ‘heel’ MJF gave the finger to a 7-year-old boy at a meet-and-greet event in Chicago, then justified his action in a later statement, “f*ck them kids”. As a make-good, the boy will get a private VIP session with MJF, who will piledrive him.

Passengers on Princess Cruises’ Grand Princess ship were told to stay in their rooms while they wait to get screened for coronavirus, after a prior passenger on the vessel died. It’s so bad, the whales swimming near the ship wear face masks.

Police in Doylestown, Pennsylvania are looking for a man who stuffed $100 worth of tequila down his pants. The thief was so excited, he hung the bottles by their handles.

Google cancelled their I/O 2020 technology convention over coronavirus fears. Google cancelled despite having collected enough personal info on attendees to know who, exactly, is going to get the virus.

The Google Assistant will now read articles in your browser aloud with the command “Hey Google, read it.” Annoyed passengers on buses, planes & trains can give the command “Hey Google, shut the f*ck up.”

Senator Elizabeth Warren is rumored to be ending her presidential campaign, leaving student loan deadbeats with one last remaining hope.

Pornhub announced they’re releasing their first non-pornographic video. It’s a porn star and her kids at the Grand Canyon that she uploaded by mistake, but really captures the scenery.

 

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Police in Utah went to the sidewalk drink stand of an 11-year-old with a sign reading ‘ICE COLD BEER’ and found he was cleverly selling root beer. The cops bought a bottle, then set up a highly successful DUI checkpoint for other arriving drivers.

Reports claim the Philadelphia Police Department will terminate as many as 13 officers for racist and sexist social media posts, and promote others for their super-cute cat and dog pictures.

Dominican Republic’s Ministry of Tourism announced new steps to curb fears following reports of sickness and death from tourists. They include posting medical contact information in hotel rooms, and clearly labeling the percentage of antifreeze and gasoline in mini-bar liquor bottles.

The Smithsonian placed Neil Armstrong’s spacesuit on display to commemorate the 50th Anniversary of the Apollo 11 moon landing. They’d raised over $750,000 in a Kickstarter to preserve the suit, and to get the mustard and Tang stains out of it.

Game developer Niantic is changing the battle mode of its massively popular title Pokemon Go. Instead of players tapping the screen during charged Pokemon battles, they’ll now throw their smartphone at opponents.

Airline KLM India apologized for a tweet using flawed data to say passengers seated in the rear of the aircraft had the greatest chance of surviving a crash. They admitted considering using the data to charge nervous flyers $75 more for those terrible seats.

A 7-foot shark was found growing around a plastic ring. “Cool ring” said other sharks.

Microsoft founder Bill Gates is no longer the second-richest person alive, but, depending on his luck, could potentially be the richest person dead.

A new study finds Google and Facebook are tracking individuals’ browsing activity at porn websites even in Private/Incognito mode. Horrified Facebook users found out when their comments were labeled ‘Pornhub Top Fan’.

Tru Kids Brands announced it’s reopening Toys R Us stores in time for Christmas holiday shopping.  Small children are being advised to spend the time between now and November practicing their tantrums and meltdowns.

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President Trump promised the Republican Party will be ‘the party of health care’, after spending the last two years making everyone sick.

A South Carolina woman was arrested after a pack of dogs escaped from her home and attacked a 76-year-old woman attending a funeral. The woman survived, and the dogs did not bring flowers.

Media companies filed a motion to release massage parlor videos of Robert Kraft as public records. Companies include Florida newspapers, The New York Times and ESPN. Absent from the list – Pornhub – saying “none of our members want to see that.”

Boeing held a test of the updated software deployed to improve safety of its 737 MAX aircraft. The aircraft with updated software performed well. Boeing mourned the loss of the crew assigned to demo the ‘before’ plane without the software upgrade.

Viral video circulated of mice running around in the food court of the King of Prussia Mall in the Philadelphia suburbs. Health inspectors didn’t know which restaurant the mice came from, but since they addressed diners as ‘Sir’ and ‘Ma’am’, they concluded it was Chick-fil-A.

Justin Bieber said he’s taking a break from making music because of some ‘deep rooted issues’. No specifics were given, but it’s believed to be deeply rooted in the fact that he doesn’t have any songs, and his fan base of 12-year-olds grew up & left him.

6,227 pedestrians died in traffic accidents in 2018, the highest number in 30 years. Police blame distracted drivers. Drivers blame pedestrians that need to hurry the hell up.

Disneyland officials say they plan to control crowds at the new Star Wars land when it opens on May 31 by not allowing anyone in without a reservation. “These people have a reservation” says an Obi Wan Kenobi lookalike, who’s been bribed, to a ticket-taker.

A New Jersey man plead guilty to defrauding the U.S. Postal Service out of $1.5 million in postage. His mother is angry that, even with all those free stamps, he couldn’t send Christmas or birthday cards.

Iceland based discount airline WOW Air ceased operations, stranding passengers across the globe. Spirit Airlines offered discounted fares to help passengers get home, so long as they didn’t mind riding with livestock. In coach.

 

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A federal judge dismissed Stormy Daniels’ defamation suit against President Trump, saying that Trump calling Daniels’ claims of threats & harassment “a total con job” was just ‘rhetorical hyperbole’. The judge added that he can’t really remember Trump using language that wasn’t ‘rhetorical hyperbole’.

Former American Idol Season 6 contestant Antonella Barba was arrested & charged with dealing heroin.  Her next performance will be a blues number.

Los Angeles Dodgers announcing legend Vin Scully declined an invite from Fox Sports’ Joe Buck to join him in the broadcast booth during the Dodgers/Brewers playoff game. Scully said that he wouldn’t want to get in the broadcasters’ spotlight in any way, especially if it meant listening to Joe Buck.

A Tennessee father attacked his son with a chainsaw, then lost his leg when the son ran over him with a riding lawn mower in self-defense. The father was charged with second-degree attempted murder, and neighbors were left wondering who was going to clean up the huge mess in the yard.

Lady Gaga confirmed her engagement to talent agent Christian Carino, or, as he’ll soon be known, Lord Gaga.

A New England Patriots fan who dumped beer on Kansas City wide receiver Tyreek Hill has been identified and had his case turned over to local law enforcement. He has also been banned from all Gillette Stadium events – but was spotted at a local Halloween store buying a disguise for a Kenny Chesney concert.

Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren made public results of a DNA test that she says proves her claim of Native American heritage. The DNA was swabbed from a deck of cards at an Indian casino where she worked as a blackjack dealer.

Will Smith appeared on wife Jada Pinkett Smith’s Facebook show, ‘Red Table Talk’ to discuss a low point in their marriage. Will Smith said that his wife ” woke up and cried for 45 days straight.” Jada said that she was drinking too much, and had also just watched ‘After Earth’.

Singer Roger Daltrey said in a new memoir he discovered he had fathered three ‘secret’ daughters in the time between his first and second marriages. “Who are you? Who? Who?” he asked them.

An article by Gizmodo claims that the ‘Do Not Track’ privacy feature in web browsers doesn’t work because websites refuse to abide by it. This was noticed by a guy receiving a gift basket on his fifth anniversary buying Pornhub Premium.

 

 

 

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Actress Jennifer Garner and her daughter Violet had to be rescued when they became lost kayaking in Sweden. Garner thanked her rescuer, known only as ‘Mattias’, and expressed her regret over divorcing Batman at a time like this.

‘The Bachelorette’ Becca Kufrin selected Garrett Yrigoyen over Blake Horstmann, and Yrigoyen proposed marriage on the series season finale.  Becca dismissed Blake, saying she believed there “was a better fit” for them out there. She told Blake she will keep his naked selfie in her active file and contact him if another suitable position opens up.

CVS announced it will offer $59 video-enabled ‘Telemedicine’ sessions via its smartphone app. Users will be able to contact a medical professional 24 hours a day, although the hours of 1a.m – 5a.m. will just be CVS janitors declining unauthorized oxy-contin refills.

Delta Airlines announced it’s rolling out a three-course meal and wine option for its economy passengers, saying it will “feel ..like dining at a favorite restaurant”. That’s true if your favorite three-course restaurant meal is served inches away from a snoring stranger,  and two of the three courses are pretzels.

Avocados as large as a human head, dubbed ‘Avozilla’, have arrived in Australia. They’re the equivalent of 20 regular-sized avocados, which is convenient for prepping large batches of guacamole. On the downside, a dozen people have sliced off their forearm removing the pit with a machete.

Miguel Angel Corea Diaz, a 35-year-old alleged kingpin in the MS-13 drug gang, complained to a judge about poor conditions in the New York county jail where he’s being held. Diaz said he gets death threats and isn’t allowed to use the phone, comparing his surroundings to having a day job in the Oval Office.

According to a Politico/Morning Consult poll, 79% of African-American voters say race relations have deteriorated since Donald Trump became president. The other 21% asked for clarification as to what “race relations” meant.

Disney Store is launching a toll-free “Sleep Shop Hotline” that kids can call to receive one of five messages from Mickey Mouse, Minnie Mouse, Donald Duck, Daisy Duck and Goofy.  Minnie asks if they’ve brushed their teeth and Goofy talks about his fun day with Mickey. A sixth message–Scrooge McDuck asking kids what they’re wearing–was nixed.

Business Insider released a list of the most-Googled ‘money related terms’ in each state. For instance in California, it was ‘cryptocurrency’; in New York, it was ‘health insurance’; in Mississippi, it was “sell my goat”.

The Harris Poll ranked the social media apps that respondents found “hardest to break away from”. The winner? Facebook, which 49% of respondents named. Facebook was only declared the winner after Harris Poll-‘ers told men that, technically, Pornhub isn’t a social media app.

 

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Delta Airlines is hiring 1,000 new flight attendants. The airline says they’ve received over 125,000 applications for the openings, but expect many candidates will withdraw once they realize how opening soda cans ruins their nails.

Athletic shoe maker Asics is testing new shoes that can be customized by microwaving them. The innovation was enthusiastically welcomed by the makers of Hot Pockets, who are happy to now become the second-worst tasting thing you heat in your microwave.

A live-action Dora the Explorer film is in the works, with Michael Bay producing. The project’s working title is Dora the Exploder.

  • Bay picks up executive producing credit after Dora moved the project following her meeting with The Weinstein Company.

A sculpture of Napoleon sitting in a town hall building in New Jersey has been verified as the work of Auguste Rodin, valued at $4 million. The Chairman of New Jersey’s art & culture alliance is stumped as to when the sculpture was made, but assumes it dates back to before Rodin was killed by Godzilla.

Toy maker Hasbro warned of lower 4th quarter demand for toys, based on the bankruptcy proceedings of large retailer Toys R Us. Business is so slow, My Little Ponys have had to take on farm work and over half of Transformers are now doubling as Ubers.

Stephen Hawking’s 1966 doctoral thesis was released for public viewing on Cambridge University’s website, and traffic promptly crashed the site. Pornhub said they could import the documents and absorb the traffic, but nobody would believe anyone who said Hawking’s thesis is why they were there.

Mark Wahlberg, a practicing Catholic, told the Chicago Tribune – ahead of a meeting with Cardinal Blase Cupich – that he hopes God forgives him for his role in Boogie Nights.  Cardinal Cupich said he didn’t know about God, but asked Wahlberg for $20 back for Transformers The Last Knight.

Kid Rock told Howard Stern “F*ck no, I’m not running for Senate.” The Michigan GOP quickly shredded invitations to the $1,000-a-plate Bawitda-Ball fund raiser.

Cell phone video captured scenes of a Harry Styles concert at the Hollywood Bowl, where Styles’ crotch was grabbed by an aggressive fan near the stage. Styles did not grab the fan back, so the improper touching only went in one direction.

This year’s Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade will feature the debut of a new balloon, Olaf the Snowman from Frozen.  The over/under on terrible Al Roker ‘Let It Go’ jokes is 15.