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Dr. Ronny Jackson withdrew from consideration to run the Veterans Administration after a string of accusations including inappropriate work behavior, drunkenness, and handing out opioids. After Jackson withdrew, this guy’s beeper went off:

trump-doctor

 

According to a Pew study, four in five Americans believe in God. According to a different Pew study of dead people, none of them do.

Actor/wrestler John Cena, promoting the Transformers spinoff movie “Bumblebee” in Las Vegas, told ‘Entertainment Tonight’ that the end of his engagement to Nikki Bella “sucks”. He added that getting to date other women “sucks less” and that he expects ‘Bumblebee’ will “suck”.

The library at the University of Utah installed a “cry closet” where students stressed out by final exams can hold stuffed animals and let out tensions. Or, they can just go to the far corner of the Reference section and have sex like normal people.

Southwest Airlines said they’ve encountered a “softness” in bookings following the fatality aboard Flight 1380. They’ve also encountered difficulty with people sitting on each other’s laps on the aisle to avoid shrapnel flying through the window.

A new study of e-cigarette users said that non-tobacco ‘flavors’ are increasingly important to both younger and older e-cig users, and that e-cigs increase the likelihood of actual cigarette use. The data  inspired the release of New Hawaiian Punch Marlboros.

President Donald Trump called into ‘Fox & Friends’ on Thursday morning to discuss “Leakin’ Liar James Comey”, Kanye West and Michael Cohen – but only after receiving assurances that there be no ‘Avengers – Infinity War’ spoilers before the 7pm screening at the White House.

President Trump said he was “too busy” to get a present for wife Melania’s 48th birthday. He claimed he got her a “beautiful card” and flowers. Insiders said the First Lady is looking forward to a ‘spa day’, which is the term she uses for any day she doesn’t have to see her husband.

Kanye West tweeted that he has an autographed ‘Make America Great Again’ hat, signed by President Trump, but not signed by Vice President Mike Pence in order to retain its value.

The House Judiciary Committee will hear arguments on Thursday regarding perceived social media bias against conservative viewpoints on Facebook, Google & Twitter. Twitter and Google have not said whether they’ll attend; Facebook confirmed that it will not be at the meeting, and that they’ve Snoozed Congress for 30 days.

 

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Southwest Airlines mailed $5,000 checks and $1,000 travel vouchers to each of the passengers on Flight 1380, where a passenger died after an engine blew. Allegiant Air got the passenger list and mailed each of them a chance to “relive their midair thrill ride”.

‘Smallville’ actress Allison Mack was arrested for her part in an alleged sex cult, NXIVM, that recruited women to be slaves of founder Keith Raniere while giving him thousands of dollars. The arrest is the culmination of a year-long investigative report by The Daily Planet’s Lois Lane.

Kateri and Jay Schwandt of Rockford, Michigan – parents of 13 boys – welcomed a 14th boy, Finley Sheboygan Schwandt. The older boys sent invitations to an upcoming ceremony welcoming him to the family with his first wedgie and noogie.

President Trump’s doctor, Rear Admiral Ronny Jackson, faces Senate confirmation hearings to become the new secretary of the Department of Veterans Affairs. His first meeting will be a private one, where he’ll be asked to turn his head and cough.

A Texas charter school teacher is apologizing after issuing an assignment to an 8th grade history class, asking them to document “positive aspects of slavery.’ The teacher was placed on leave, but not before giving an ‘A’ to a student who listed ‘agricultural skill building’, ‘team-based learning’, and ‘peer-to-peer networking opportunities’.

A 10-year-old girl in Carlisle PA was the only student in her grammar school to request participation in the National School Walkout, so she was joined by her father. After the protest, her dad returned to his 11th grade shop class.

An ‘overwhelmed’ Brooklyn U.S. Postal Service mailman is accused of stashing over 17,000 pieces of mail, some dating back to 2005. An underachieving man still delivering pizzas in Bed Stuy was devastated to learn he didn’t get into Harvard’s Class of 2010 after all.

Lebron James bought all of his Cleveland Cavaliers teammates matching suits prior to Game 3 of their playoff series against the Indiana Pacers – a game the Cavs lost to go down 2-1 in the series. James said he bought the suits so the other players can look good interviewing for their next team.

22-year-old Roger Alvarado of Homestead, Florida was arrested for breaking into Taylor Swift’s New York City townhome, where police discovered him taking a nap. Alvarado is hoping to post bail so that he can resume touring and break into Swift’s other homes.

Harley Davidson motorcycles is hiring paid summer interns to ride Harleys across the country. A spokesperson said that the interns’ majors aren’t as important as looking like they plan to drop out.

An Iowa woman who left her four children – 12-year-old twins, a 7- and a 6-year-old – home alone with a loaded handgun while she visited Germany for 11 days, was sentenced to two years’ probation. She is forbidden from contact with her children, but is expected to return to accept a German Mother Of The Year Award.

A South Texas man was sentenced to 50 years in prison for stealing $1.2 million worth of fajitas. Prior to sentencing, the judge warned him that his jail cell would be extremely hot.

Nabi Tajima, the world’s oldest woman, died in her native Japan at age 117. Experts estimate she was at least 20 years late to her own funeral.

 

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Steven Spielberg is developing ‘Blackhawk’, a superhero movie for the DC Comics Cinematic Universe. It’s the first time that fanboys have had the opportunity to tell Spielberg his movie sucks before he even starts making it.

A boy asked Pope Francis if his deceased atheist father is in heaven. Replied the Pope, “I don’t know – was he hot?”

Senator Ted Cruz authored a message where he admiringly refers to President Trump as “a flash-bang grenade”. Meaning, Trump flashes porn stars and Playboy Playmates before banging them behind his wife’s back.

Roger Stone, a former adviser to President Trump, addressed the death of Barbara Bush by calling her a “nasty drunk”, continuing “(she) drank so much booze, if they cremated her…her body would burn for three days.” Stone posted the comments on Instagram in advance of his weekend induction to the Catty Bitch Hall of Fame.

A Monroe, Louisiana woman arrived home after work to find another woman had broken into her home and was still there, taking a bath and eating Cheetos. The burglar was arrested; the homeowner is still trying to scrub orange dust off of her bathtub.

Miguel Diaz-Canel was named the new President of Cuba after a vote in the National Assembly, narrowly edging out Pitbull.

Former Playboy model Karen McDougal, alleged to have had an affair with Donald Trump, was freed from a deal with National Enquirer ownerAMI and can now tell her story. AMI will also publish McDougal’s health and fitness tips in Men’s Journal and receive first-refusal rights for her book: ‘Yep, We F*cked – Here Are Some Fitness Tips’.

Slide Fire, the largest manufacturer of bump stocks in the U.S., will stop taking orders and shut down its website on May 20th. But until then, would-be mass murderers are invited to take advantage of its crazy inventory liquidation sale!

Crenshanda Williams, a former 911 operator in Houston, was sentenced to 10 days in jail and a year of probation for hanging up on ‘thousands’ of 911 emergency calls. Prior to sentencing, she addressed the judge and was defiant, saying she’d do it all over again to be caller #10 for Beyonce tickets.

Federal Aviation Administration regulators have ordered inspections on engine fan blades like the one which sheared off the Southwest Airlines flight, shattering a window and killing a passenger who was nearly sucked out of the aircraft. The FAA is still on the fence about the whole “smaller windows” idea.

  • A spokesperson for Allegiant Airlines said they won’t need to conduct the inspections, since their aircraft aren’t powered by jet engines, but rather old V8 engines from totaled Camaros.

 

 

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An author working undercover at a U.K. Amazon warehouse said the culture was like a prison, and that he found bottles of urine on shelves because workers weren’t allowed bathroom breaks. Amazon denied the claim, saying that the bottles of urine are top sellers.

Due to crashes of its website, the IRS extended the annual tax filing deadline from April 17th to April 18th. Thanks to the additional time, charities recorded an extra $1 Billion in fake donations.

Former First Lady and Bush family matriarch Barbara Bush died at age 92. Current First Lady Melania Trump mourned the loss of Bush, saying as a child in Slovenia, she cried when a berry bush died.

24-year-old Instagram ‘star’ Melina Roberge was sentenced to 8 years in an Australian prison for smuggling $21 million worth of cocaine. Roberge grew a large Instagram following posting bikini photos at exotic travel destinations, but told a judge she intends to ‘pivot’ to videos about self-defense and keeping romance alive with her new wife.

President Trump mocked the media and Stormy Daniels for releasing a sketch of a man Daniels claims threatened her and her daughter after her alleged affair with Trump. Daniels and her lawyer are offering a $100,000 reward for identifying him, and have received one promising lead from “David Dennison”.

Acting Secretary of State Mike Pompeo met in secret with North Korea’s Kim Jong Un last week to discuss a possible U.S./North Korea summit meeting. Pompeo took the trip that was to have been made by Rex Tillerson, until Tillerson found out there wasn’t a Morton’s steak house in Pyeongyang.

A Federal investigation is ongoing in New Jersey, where thieves are using glue-covered bottles on a string to steal mail from U.S. Postal Service collection boxes. The criminals steal and deposit checks, and send vulgar replies to fan mail sent to Bruce Springsteen and Jon Bon Jovi.

A Wells Fargo banking executive, Jennifer Riordan, died from her injuries when an engine exploded on her Southwest Airlines flight and broke the window next to her seat. Wells Fargo expressed their condolences, and will close the six fake checking accounts they created in her name.

Starbucks CEO Kevin Johnson met with the two black men arrested in Philadelphia at a Starbucks location after they were denied use of the bathroom without buying anything. The men declined Johnson’s offer to go to the bathroom with him.

Counterfeit Kylie Jenner makeup seized at a raid in Los Angeles tested positive for bacteria and animal waste. Jenner said that animal waste is not an ingredient of her facial makeup, just her tanning spray.

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The New Yorker is reporting that a doorman at one of Donald Trump’s buildings was paid $30,000 not to discuss a story about a Trump building housekeeper allegedly bearing a child fathered by Trump. Not only did Trump supposedly get the housekeeper pregnant, he announced his missile strike on her two full days in advance.

A new study from the University of Connecticut reports that public restroom hand dryers suck up fecal matter and blow it back on users’ hands. The study also concluded that those are some pretty goddamned powerful bathroom hand dryers at the University of Connecticut.

President Trump has proposed rejoining the Trans-Pacific Partnership, presumably with a porn star he met in Japan.

Khloe Kardashian gave birth to a daughter with boyfriend Tristan Thompson, just days after allegations emerged that Thompson is a ‘serial cheater’, with gossip outlets posting images of him with several different women.  Thompson was present at the birth of his daughter, confident that he has three more affairs until he fouls out of the relationship.

A plastic surgeon in NYC who specializes in creating “designer nipples” for women say they ask for the “Kendall Jenner look”  – firmer nipples to highlight their breasts through their clothing. He said that if the surgery doesn’t take, the women still get a consolation prize of an old white t-shirt.

A bank robber stopped at Taylor Swift’s vacation home to throw stolen money over the fence to get her attention. She swiftly released a catchy diss track insulting the guy for not stealing and throwing more money.

Former FBI Director James Comey sat for an interview with ABC News’ George Stephanopoulos, which airs Sunday. So in the course of a month, ABC and CBS will have aired Sunday night interviews with a man, and a woman, f*cked by Donald Trump.

Details are emerging about updates to Gmail, including ‘Confidential Mode’, which lets Gmail users stop recipients from forwarding them, or restricts the ability to copy, download or print them. It’s also known as ‘Your Grandfather’ Mode, since he can’t seem to do that stuff anyway.

The new Gmail will also allow users to require a password to open designated emails, which idiots are encouraged to not put in the ‘Subject’ line.

Tonya Harding was named to the newest cast of ABC’s ‘Dancing With The Stars’. All Burbank, California Lowes & Home Depot stores report they’re sold out of crowbars.

 

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Officers at The Vatican arrested and incarcerated Monsignor Carlo Capella on charges he uploaded and viewed child pornography. The Vatican charged him with hogging the computer while other clergy were waiting to do the same.

73-year-old former NFL and NCAA head coach Steve Spurrier has been named Head Coach of the Orlando team in the new Alliance of American Football. He’s expected to start work just as soon as he clears the league’s Dementia Protocol.

The Alliance of American Football is scheduled to begin play the week after the 2019 NFL Super Bowl with eight teams. It’s intended as an alternate league for pro football players to build or extend careers, and as an elaborate ruse so Donald Trump will quit his job to own a football team again.

The remaining seven Alliance of American Football teams have yet to be announced, but league officials will make the home cities public just as soon as they register with their respective bankruptcy courts.

A White House official told CNN that President Trump has begun early preparations for a potential interview with Special Counsel Robert Mueller. The preparations involve Trump identifying basic shapes and colors so that he can become reacquainted with actually telling the truth.

An Oklahoma mom posted that she’s “embarrassed” that her seven-year-old daughter’s textbook is the same one used by country superstar Blake Shelton in 1982. Shelton’s name was hand-printed on the inside front cover, and his high school senior year book report on it was tucked inside the back cover.

Singer Demi Lovato posted Instagram pictures of her stretch marks, extra fat and cellulite.  She shared the photos to show fans that she still loves her body even though it isn’t perfect.  In return, she was thanked by thousands of male creeps.

Conor McGregor was stripped of his UFC Lightweight Championship after McGregor threw a hand truck through a UFC bus window. He faces charges of felony criminal mischief and misdemeanor assault. The charges are a heavy betting favorite to win.

With McGregor out, the new undisputed UFC Lightweight Champion is Khabib Nurmagomedov – also from Ireland.

Facebook is planning to inform users if they were among the 87 million whose data was illegally obtained by Cambridge Analytica – leading to an estimated 50 million new Likes for Cambridge Analytica.

During a concert by singer Andrea Bocelli, the Lucca Philharmonic Orchestra in Pisa, Italy was conducted by a robot. Between songs, orchestra members took turns olive-oiling it.

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Illegal Mexican border crossings increased from 36k in February to over 50k in March, according to data from Ticketmaster affiliate Smugglemaster.

Adding to the inflow of illegals, in early March Carnival Cruise Lines christened its newest vessel, Enchantment Of The 40-Foot Cargo Trailer.

President Trump talked border security at a speech in West Virginia – well known as the #1 Dream Destination for immigrants as pictured on their ‘Become A Heroin Dealer’ Vision Boards.

Trump told the same crowd that “millions and millions” of people voted illegally in California. No additional details were given, but it’s believed he was referring to the Academy Motion Picture Arts & Sciences Lifetime Achievement Award for Harvey Weinstein.

A survey of large corporate IT departments finds that many are moving away from passwords and toward biometric data such as retinal scans and fingerprints, in an effort to minimize hacking. One drawback is that the IT Help Desks of these companies have a hard time helping employees that lose their fingers and eyeballs.

Police in Youngstown, Ohio have issued a warning about so-called “zombie raccoons” – raccoons they believe to be infected with distemper, that appear in the daylight as opposed to remaining nocturnal. The raccoons are dangerous, but may be leaving the area for Hollywood to pitch their ‘Zombie Raccoon’ tv show.

Defending champion Sergio Garcia stunned fans watching The Masters when he hit five consecutive balls in the water on the par-5 15th hole, taking a score of 13. Tournament officials did, however, allow him to hit every fan saying “hell, I coulda done that!” with his 5-iron.

The Philippines is closing the island of Borocay – known for its pristine blue water and white sand beaches – for six months, claiming the island has become a “cesspool” because of an influx of tourists and draining human sewage into the ocean water. The Philippines advised tourists who still want to swim in raw sewage that there’s always Mexico.

An analysis from researchers in Toronto finds that eating pasta can help you lose weight. Their study followed 2,500 people who were food poisoned at Olive Garden.

A tour bus crashed en route to The Masters in Augusta, Georgia, injuring over a dozen passengers. The driver was charged with DUI, in case you were wondering what John Daly is up to these days.

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President Trump plans to issue an order to deploy National Guard troops to the Mexican border, stating that they’ll protect the border “until there’s a wall”. Bricklayers who are also in the National Guard are lined up at their doctor’s offices getting notes about their bone spurs.

Skeletal remains found in a Long Island basement were identified as Louise Pietrewicz, a woman missing since 1966. The home once belonged to a married policeman, who was the prime suspect in her disappearance, but who took advantage of detectives too lazy to look for his missing girlfriend’s body in his basement.

A Chinese student is being deported for paying $3,000 to have an impostor take an English-language entrance exam to get into an American university. The good news is she can still complete her University of Phoenix degree online.

WWE Hall of Famer “Luscious” Johnny Valiant died after being struck while crossing the street. Witnesses say he bounced off one guard rail, then the other, before flipping and landing on his back. EMTs arrived, slapped the pavement three times and that was it.

Steven Spielberg said in an interview that, in the future, the next ‘Indiana Jones’ could be played by a woman. Spielberg continued by saying the first 20 minutes would be female Indiana Jones trying on hats to find the right one.

Donald Trump Jr. posted an Instagram photo of his sons playing with their aunt, Tiffany Trump. One of the boys, a four-year-old, posted the same photo to his Instagram account with the caption “feeling up this blond at my grampa’s Easter party.”

tiffany trump

The Food & Drug Administration issued a warning on abuse of loperamide, the active ingredient in anti-diarrheal Immodium, saying addicts are taking hundreds of pills at a time to achieve a methadone-like high and because they hate using public restrooms.

Jay-Z told David Letterman that he cried happy tears when his mother came out to him as gay. But then he cried sad tears when he found out how few words rhyme with ‘lesbian’.

Channing Tatum and wife Jenna Dewan are splitting up, but insisted there are no “secrets” or “salacious events” behind the separation. In a statement, the couple requested privacy as they look forward to independently creating secrets and salacious events.

April 5th is National Burrito Day. Although a coalition has formed in the Northeast to move it to a date later in the spring when it’s warm enough to leave windows open.

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Wildlife workers in New Jersey were able to rescue a young male deer who had a glass bowl stuck on his head. The deer was released into the wild, but only after the workers delivered the sad news that he could never be an astronaut.

President Trump angry-tweeted at California Governor Jerry Brown for pardoning convicts facing deportation, calling Brown “Moonbeam”. Brown said he expected that from Trump — adding that Trump appears to have lost his ‘chi’ and his chakras are waaaay out of alignment.

A Long Island, NY judge is accused of breaking into his neighbor’s home and stealing three pairs of panties from the hamper of their 23-year-old daughter. His attorney filed a motion for bail, but didn’t file any other briefs.

Mexico is concerned that increasing violence is threatening the lucrative tourism business in areas such as Cancun, Los Cabos and Playa del Carmen. It’s gotten so bad, luxury hotels now welcome guests with gifts of bulletproof sombreros.

Actor Eddie Redmayne gave a reading at the funeral of Stephen Hawking. Critics said that Redmayne came off sounding robotic.

President Trump’s pick for National Security Adviser, John Bolton, called Russian election meddling “a true act of war”. Bolton then cut into a steak served medium instead of medium rare like he ordered it, telling the waiter it was “a true act of war”.

Apple issued a new version of iOS that tells iPhone users when it’s time to change their phone battery. It works by detecting when the iPhone owner has $29.

Researchers at Carnegie Mellon University have developed knitting patterns for making 3D shapes. Now instead of scarves and mittens, your grandma can knit you a stuffed animal made of yarn that you can throw away, instead.

Sinclair Broadcasting is under fire for forcing its anchors to read a company-issued  statement that many view as pro-Trump. The statement read “tune in at 8 for a hilarious new episode of ‘Roseanne’ “.

Walmart is rumored to be buying health insurer Humana, so you can look forward to having the claim for your lifesaving surgery denied by a high-school dropout making $10/hour.

Tesla posted an update on its website regarding a fatal accident where a vehicle’s owner died when his Tesla crashed on autopilot. The vehicle was still being examined,  and the autopilot remained jailed after refusing a breathalyzer.

Personal and financial information from shoppers of Saks Fifth Avenue was stolen. Hackers obtained the wealthy, bored, housewives’ credit card information, purchase history, and the names of their favorite gardeners, pool boys and gigolos.

Following a boycott request from Parkland shooting survivor and activist David Hogg, over a dozen companies have dropped their ads from Fox News’ ‘The Ingraham Angle’. Holdout advertisers include Sleep Number, ATT, Allstate and catheter lawsuits.

 

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A 29-year-old Florida woman told the Pensacola News Journal that she mistook a 37-week pregnancy for stomach pains from “bad Chinese food” and gave birth to a son the next day.  The Hunan Garden Buffet near her house then tripled prices and renamed as Hunan Garden Buffet & Fertility Clinic.

Snapchat is laying off 100 workers, all of whom disappeared a day after getting their employee photos taken.

The Los Angeles Rams are breaking ground, becoming the first NFL franchise to hire two men for their cheerleading squad. As is the case with the team’s female cheerleaders, they’re banned from dating Rams players….you know which ones. You know.

New research shows that people who dine out frequently risk higher exposure to toxic chemicals from food packaging called phthalates. Or, as they’re known outside of Philadelphia, thalates.

Uber suspended its self-driving car program in Arizona after a self-driving vehicle struck a pedestrian. Without driving privileges, the car now sits in the basement all day playing video games.

Melania Trump visited Palm Beach’s St. Mary’s Medical Center to deliver Easter baskets to children undergoing treatment. The First Lady described all of the children as “brave”, saying she remembered her first visit to a children’s hospital for plastic surgery.

Congress is questioning Environmental Protection Agency Administrator Scott Pruitt’s expenses for bringing his security detail on a family trip to Disneyland. Pruitt’s office justified the claim based on terroristic threats he’s received from someone known only as ‘Goofy’.

China’s Tiangong-1 or “Heavenly Palace” space lab is projected to fall back to Earth this weekend – based on NASA data showing that Heavenly Palace menus have been scattered on planets closer and closer to the Earth’s atmosphere.

Facebook announced that they’re severing relationships with 3rd-party data brokers. CEO Mark Zuckerberg said the move away from large data mines will create more opportunities for independent data thieves to steal and sell information about you.

President Trump arrived in Florida for the weekend, and was expected to attend Good Friday services at Trump International Golf Course, where there are 18 stations of the cross instead of the typical 14.