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President Trump promised the Republican Party will be ‘the party of health care’, after spending the last two years making everyone sick.

A South Carolina woman was arrested after a pack of dogs escaped from her home and attacked a 76-year-old woman attending a funeral. The woman survived, and the dogs did not bring flowers.

Media companies filed a motion to release massage parlor videos of Robert Kraft as public records. Companies include Florida newspapers, The New York Times and ESPN. Absent from the list – Pornhub – saying “none of our members want to see that.”

Boeing held a test of the updated software deployed to improve safety of its 737 MAX aircraft. The aircraft with updated software performed well. Boeing mourned the loss of the crew assigned to demo the ‘before’ plane without the software upgrade.

Viral video circulated of mice running around in the food court of the King of Prussia Mall in the Philadelphia suburbs. Health inspectors didn’t know which restaurant the mice came from, but since they addressed diners as ‘Sir’ and ‘Ma’am’, they concluded it was Chick-fil-A.

Justin Bieber said he’s taking a break from making music because of some ‘deep rooted issues’. No specifics were given, but it’s believed to be deeply rooted in the fact that he doesn’t have any songs, and his fan base of 12-year-olds grew up & left him.

6,227 pedestrians died in traffic accidents in 2018, the highest number in 30 years. Police blame distracted drivers. Drivers blame pedestrians that need to hurry the hell up.

Disneyland officials say they plan to control crowds at the new Star Wars land when it opens on May 31 by not allowing anyone in without a reservation. “These people have a reservation” says an Obi Wan Kenobi lookalike, who’s been bribed, to a ticket-taker.

A New Jersey man plead guilty to defrauding the U.S. Postal Service out of $1.5 million in postage. His mother is angry that, even with all those free stamps, he couldn’t send Christmas or birthday cards.

Iceland based discount airline WOW Air ceased operations, stranding passengers across the globe. Spirit Airlines offered discounted fares to help passengers get home, so long as they didn’t mind riding with livestock. In coach.

 

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New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski announced his retirement. Gronkowski said he intends to start a think tank, then corrected himself and said he thinks he’ll get tanked.

People with mental health issues are three times more likely to have crippling debt, according to new research conducted by their $200-an-hour shrinks.

Special Counsel Robert Mueller completed his investigation, finding no cooperation between the 2016 Trump presidential campaign and Russia. Russia agreed, saying their work would have been too hard if they had to keep explaining what they were doing to members of the Trump family.

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft issued a public apology for the sex at a Florida massage parlor to which he’s plead not guilty, — so who knows what, exactly, he’s apologizing for.

  • Florida police say they have video of Kraft performing a sex act with a massage parlor worker, having installed hidden cameras after attending a how-to seminar run by the New England Patriots video staff.

A Houston, Texas woman gave birth to three sets of twins in nine minutes, crediting the use of fertility drugs and the world’s first delivery room slip n’ slide.

Nikki Bella is retiring from the WWE, saying her body just can’t handle the punishment anymore. Bella had thought her body would recover once she stopped having sex with John Cena.

A drunk American Airlines passenger was arrested for urinating on a woman’s luggage during a Chicago-to-Charlotte flight. Fellow passengers were disgusted, but impressed with the stream that easily reached the overhead bin.

Ethiopia Airlines CEO said the pilots involved in the fatal crash of a Boeing 737 MAX 8 jet received the proper training. He didn’t say they passed it, but they got it.

Jordan Peele’s new horror film ‘Us’ debuted to $70.3 million in U.S. ticket sales, including $25 from two white ‘bro’s going out of their way to tell you how much it sucked.

Researchers reviewing the grade point averages of Florida school students found children born in September were the smartest. The study was completed over the course of several years as researchers tracked down enough Florida students that finished school.

 

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Seattle Mariners outfielder Ichiro Suzuki retired following the team’s game in his home country of Japan. Suzuki is professional baseball’s all-time base hit leader among players who have never had sex with a 15-year-old girl.

  • Baseball historians remain surprised that, between Suzuki and Pete Rose, the Japanese guy had the less-ridiculous haircut.

Carolina Panthers QB Cam Newton sets personal challenges each month. For February, the second month of the year, he ate vegan. For March, the third month, he’s celibate. So starting April, he’ll be fourth and long.

Country singer Justin Carter died after accidentally shooting himself in the head with a prop handgun on the set of a music video, prompting 10 other artists to write country songs about it.

Jimmy Carter turned 94 years, 171 days old today, surpassing George W. Bush’s record as Oldest Former Living President.  Donald Trump eagerly awaits his passing so he can tweet a bunch of mean sh*t about him.

Papa John’s hired Shaquille O’Neal to be its celebrity spokesperson, and also gave him a seat on its Board Of Directors. Papa John’s believes there is tremendous synergy, since most of their broke drivers totaling cars delivering pizzas are insured by The General.

Tesla is accusing a former employee of stealing trade secrets for self-driving cars and giving them to a Chinese rival. The employee claims he did so for the greater good, thinking China would be better off with cars driving themselves versus Chinese people doing so.

MillerCoors is suing the maker of Bud Light over what they claim are deceiving ads stating that Miller Lite and Coors Light contain corn syrup. Bud Light’s defense is that the ads aren’t all that effective, since domestic light beer drinkers really don’t care what’s in it to begin with.

Elementary school teachers in Indiana are asking for changes to sheriff’s department active shooter drills, saying they suffered welts & small cuts from fake bullets fired with Airsoft guns. For their part, the 2nd & 3rd graders had fun shooting their teachers.

Law enforcement officials made the largest cocaine bust ever at the Port of Philadelphia, seizing 992 pounds with a street value of $18 million — or, $36 million if it was sold in bags with a Philadelphia Eagles Super Bowl logo on them.

Philadelphia may get the nation’s first medically-supervised injection facility for opioid addicts.  In order to manage traffic, users will be able to make reservations at OpenNeedle.com .

 

 

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New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft filed a motion to prevent the release of surveillance video of him engaged in sex acts in a Florida massage parlor. Meanwhile, after further review, the NFL replay official confirmed holding below the waist.

The two Boeing 737 MAX 8 jets operated by Lion Air and Ethiopian Airlines, each involved in fatal crashes, were sold without optional safety features that let pilots see the plane was in danger. The feature is called a “windshield”.

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Fox News’ Brian Kilmeade both called for President Trump to stop his insults of deceased Senator John McCain. Trump said he’s only counterpunching insults he hears from McCain during Executive Time.

Lori Loughlin’s daughter, Olivia Jade Giannulli, reportedly didn’t fill out her own college applications. Forensics experts reached the conclusion when verifying her signatures on the applications, where none of the ‘i’s were dotted with hearts or smiley faces.

A 10-foot long alligator was spotted swimming in water behind a woman’s home in Cape Coral, Florida. April is alligator ‘courtship’ season, where they search for partners prior to the May mating season. The woman said she’d like to get to know the gator better before making that commitment.

A new study finds strawberries, spinach and kale contain the highest levels of pesticide residue. Consumers intend to keep eating strawberries, and use the study as a lifelong rationale for not eating the other two.

Costco shoppers in California are posting photos of giant, 2-to-7 pound lobster claws being sold there. Back in the ocean, giant clawless lobsters are getting their tails kicked.

Excessively hot tea is being linked to esophageal cancer. A study followed 50,000 tea drinkers in a remote province of Iran and found nearly 400 had developed cancer. Critics point out that Iranian tea is made by steeping tobacco leaves in boiling puddle water.

Olive Garden posted a solid jump in sales. They attribute the growth to emphasizing classic Italian dishes, which they’ve always avoided making.

The United Nations released their annual ranking of 156 countries based on levels of ‘happiness’. The United States’ happiness ranking fell for the third straight year, and now sits at #19.  “Take that!” said 18th ranked Syria.

 

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Boston & Tel Aviv-based startup company ClimaCell is using new, crowdsourced data collection methods to improve local weather forecasts. However, they will still need the more-accurate local weather to be communicated by women with huge breasts.

A dead whale washed ashore in the Philippines with almost 100 pounds of plastic in its stomach – or, put a different way, the wetsuits of four different scuba divers it ate.

President Trump tweeted that he thinks Saturday Night Live is colluding with the Democrats and Russia after watching a rerun featuring a skit making fun of him. SNL returns with a live episode hosted by Joe Biden with musical guest Pussy Riot.

Reality TV star Mama June Shannon – mother of Honey Boo Boo – was arrested at an Alabama gas station while allegedly possessing crack cocaine. Shannon, who lost over 100 pounds after gastric sleeve surgery, was carrying a lot less crack than she used to.

A new startup called Basement is creating a social media app where your network is  limited to 20 of your closest friends, or the 20 people you’d most like to have send you their naked selfies.

Amy Schumer revealed that her husband Chris Fischer is on the autism spectrum. She made the discovery when he told her that he had to watch The Leather Special an even number of times.

Longtime Democratic Party strategist Donna Brazile joined Fox News as a contributor, where she’s expected to never be seen or heard from again.

A study in journal Frontiers in Microbiology found that the longer astronauts stay in space, the more likely viruses like chickenpox, shingles & herpes will reactivate. The reason may be increased levels of stress and red-hot unprotected space sex.

A petrochemical fire near Houston continued for a third day, covering the city in thick smoke and a putrid stench. To learn how to cope with the disgusting conditions, Houston has called in a team of people living in Newark, New Jersey.

A British politician is urging McDonald’s in the United Kingdom to end its Monopoly promotion, claiming it manipulates people into eating more fast food. Tom Watson, Deputy leader of the Labour Party, was elected with the slogan “I get how things work.”

 

 

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The woman attacked by a jaguar after climbing a safety barrier to get a selfie returned to the Arizona zoo to apologize. Her handshake with the jaguar resulted in her being hospitalized a second time.

Celebrities Felicity Huffman and Lori Loughlin are accused of bribing SAT test proctors and colleges to help their children get into elite schools. Lesser charges are being considered for the Gronkowski family, who are accused of bribing officials at Arizona and Arizona State with cases of Coors Light.

A woman who orally ingested her partner’s semen was rushed to the hospital in anaphylactic shock because she was allergic to traces of an antibiotic in it. She is expected to fully recover and respond to multiple date requests from doctors.

Responding to the fatal crashes of two Boeing 737 MAX 8 jets, President Trump tweeted that planes are becoming too complex, he didn’t want Albert Einstein to be his pilot. He then ordered Air Force One to be outfitted with three additional pairs of wings.

USA Today published an explanatory article about how Boeing’s 737 MAX 8 safety system – Maneuvering Characteristics Augmentation – works, leading aeronautics experts to question how good it can be if USA Today can explain it.

A Bronx couple looking at their child’s baby monitor were shocked to see a burglar standing next to the crib. The father rushed to the room, but the intruder had already escaped with all of the candy.

A new study in the medical journal JAMA concludes there is no association between what people eat and their risk of dementia. Some doctors are questioning the study, pointedly wondering why anyone would eat Grape Nuts unless they were losing their mind.

Facebook filed a lawsuit against two Ukrainian hackers, alleging they used Facebook quizzes to steal personal data.  The quizzes said which ‘Friends’ character they were based on birthdate and social security number. Everyone who gave both of them were told “Joey”.

A controversial study from the University of Minnesota claims blacks & hispanics are most harmed by inhaling pollutants created by whites. The study is called ‘The Racial Dutch Oven’.

UFC star Conor McGregor faces felony charges for slapping a cell phone out of a fan’s hand as they tried to take a picture, then stomping the phone and leaving. UFC President Dana White reportedly offered the phone $3 million for a rematch.

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Guinness Book of World Records recognized Kane Tanaka, a 116-year-old Japanese woman, as the World’s Oldest Living Person. Asked what part of her life she enjoyed most, Tanaka replied “This right now” adding, “the 1930s”.

China is reportedly banning minors appearing in livestream Internet videos. This, despite the surging popularity of “unboxing” videos featuring Chinese children opening their employment offers from Apple.

The son of a Missouri City, Texas donut shop owner tweeted a photo of his father along with “My dad is sad because no one is coming to his new donut shop.” His message was retweeted 202,000 times – 201,000 of those were from the Missouri City Police Dept.

Justin Bieber asked for fans prayers after revealing on social media that he’s been “struggling a lot”. Bieber’s most loyal fans then dropped what they were doing and asked God to get him a divorce.

Actress Brie Larson dressed up in a Captain Marvel sweatsuit to greet fans at an AMC movie theater in Clifton, New Jersey. She even sold sodas and popcorn, but disappointed dozens of New Jersey women who just wanted to buy the sweatsuit.

President Trump denied calling Apple CEO Tim Cook “Tim Apple”, despite video confirming it.  Trump then announced he will enlist the Space Force to thwart the restarted nuclear efforts of Kim Korea, which he believes is being secretly funded by billionaire tech founder Sergei Google.

Boeing stock fell sharply following the second fatal crash involving a less-than-a-year-old 737 MAX jetliner flown by Ethiopia Airlines. Also falling sharply – 737 MAX jetliners.

Tesla announced improvements to their supercharging stations, saying they’ll be able to charge vehicles in a fraction of the time. The news was welcomed by Tesla owners, saying it frees up time for them to brag about their cars and sleep behind the wheel on autopilot.

A Birmingham City soccer fan ran onto the playing field and sucker-punched an opposing player from Aston Villa during the match. Officials with Birmingham City said they’ll be making modifications to future “Meet The Players Night”.

Toyota filed a patent application for a “vehicle fragrance dispenser system”, which would dispense tear gas if the car was stolen, or dispense it only to passengers if they break their promise to hold it in on the ride home from dinner.

 

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NBA star Steph Curry’s new Under Armour basketball shoe, the Curry 6, was co-designed by 9-year-old Riley Morrison, who had questioned why past versions didn’t come in women’s sizes. Curry’s will be the first lavender shoe in NBA games with light-up heels.

Former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort was sentenced to 47 months in prison, a punishment approximate to the 48 months U.S. citizens were given in November, 2016.

A German man was sentenced to life in prison for attempted murder by poisoning his coworkers’ sandwiches. Defense attorneys unsuccessfully argued the coworkers were killing themselves anyway, since they were eating liverwurst.

UrbanSitter published rates to hire babysitters in 28 U.S. locations. The highest hourly rate was in San Francisco, which averaged nearly $20/hour, to a low of $0 in Mobile, Alabama & Hattiesburg, Mississippi – where respondents asked “why would I pay the dog?”

SpaceX’s Crew Dragon safely returned home from its supply delivery mission to the International Space Station, with pilot dummy ‘Ripley’ intact. Ripley will now be kept under observation for a week to see what pops out of its stomach.

Buffalo Bills GM Brandon Beane issued a public statement refuting reports that the Bills would acquire Steelers WR Antonio Brown, saying he’d prefer to groom malcontents instead of getting one off-the-shelf.

Disney shareholders narrowly approved a $35 million pay package for CEO Bob Iger. A dissenting voter at the annual meeting was quoted saying “Gawrsh! Guh-hoot, guh-hoot, when’s he gawrna start payin US more? Guh-hoot..”

President Trump will visit the site of Alabama tornadoes, which claimed the lives of 23 people. He’s expected to be joined by members of the National Weather Service & Army Corps of Engineers, assigned to monitor winds and keep his hair in place.

Philadelphia banned cashless businesses. Lawmakers argued that a quarter of city residents live in poverty and don’t have credit cards — meaning they probably don’t have cash, either, but, hey, let’s fix the symptom instead of the disease.

A new report claims the FDA is allowing manufacturers of wound-closing surgical staplers to hide incidents of malfunction, causing bleeding or death. The stapler malfunctions were brought to light by coroners examining cadavers’ surgical incisions closed with Scotch tape and paper clips.

 

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Lehigh University instituted a ban on hard alcohol at all fraternity and sorority houses. The measure is intended to help Greek organizations focus their hazing efforts on physical & emotional abuse.

Jerry Merryman, co-inventor of the handheld calculator, died at age 86.  Merryman said he was proud to introduce a generation of young boys to 80085.

Two female NASA astronauts and a Canadian female flight controller will conduct the first all-female space walk. They intend to walk for a few minutes, then spend an hour having coffee.

Utah residents Michael Lee and Angela Peang, who are first cousins, went to Colorado so they could be legally married. They’re petitioning Utah to recognize their right for cousins to legally marry, adding if that doesn’t work out, they’ll just settle in Mississippi.

President Trump hosted corporate business leaders at the White House, and referred to Apple CEO Tim Cook as ‘Tim Apple’. Trump then expressed anger & disappointment that Bill Microsoft and Jack Twitter were no-shows.

Four Canadian wolves were captured and air-dropped on Lake Superior’s Isle Royale National Park in Michigan, in order to bolster the dwindling wolf population and control a growing moose population. Local moose then held a hearing to deal with illegal wolf immigration and plummeting moose-house prices.

Residents of Cardwell, Australia are mourning the loss of ‘Bismarck’, an 80-year-old 15-foot crocodile believed to have been shot & killed. Residents say they’d grown to love Bismarck, since he was a huge tourist attraction, and because during his 80-year life he’d only eaten two of their kids.

Queen Elizabeth, aged 92, made her first photo contribution to the @theRoyalFamily ‘s official Instagram account – although skeptics immediately questioned whether that’s really her in the bikini.

A Seattle man robbed $600 in cash from Girl Scouts selling cookies outside of a grocery store. Police distributed a photo of the suspect, as the Scouts gear up to earn their secret merit badge in Vigilante Justice.

Following the closure of a Blockbuster Video location in Perth, Australia, there remains just one Blockbuster store in Bend, Oregon. The manager says the store is a tourist attraction and will remain open, and in fact they’re hiring workers to beat nearby Redbox machines with crowbars.

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Gayle King interviewed R. Kelly for CBS, the same week her friend Oprah Winfrey interviewed men who allege sexual abuse by Michael Jackson. The phrase “girrll pleeeease” is expected to be said several times when King & Winfrey meet up.

A North Carolina artist reimagined Disney Princesses as modern-day adults with careers. For instance, Mulan is a Title IX lawyer, Sleeping Beauty is a coffee company CEO, and Ariel is a pop star/record producer navigating the sexist music industry where men want to play her scales.

An anonymous winner claimed the largest U.S. lottery prize in history, an $878 million Mega Millions jackpot. As a resident of South Carolina, the winner plans to invest the funds in the world’s largest backyard above-ground pool and trampoline.

President Trump called Jay Barrett of West Haven, Connecticut, a Trump supporter reportedly on his death bed, who wanted to talk to the President before he died. The White House was praised for its response, and for its savvy filtering out dying citizens who also want to speak to Trump to tell him to f**k off once before they go.

Forbes Magazine declared cosmetics mogul Kylie Jenner the youngest-ever “self-made billionaire”, followed by intense debate regarding how much of Kylie’s wealth is self-made, and how much is implants.

Women alleging sexual assault at properties promoted by Trip Advisor claim that, when they complained, Trip Advisor told them to mention the sexual assault in “negative reviews”. Most of the women were angered by the advice, though some complied with reviews like “Almost Died, But Soft, Plentiful Towels”.

Oscar winner Rami Malek is rumored to be the villain in the 25th James Bond film. Few details are available, although the villain is said to speak in an emotionless monotone that bores people to death.

Fitbit introduced new, less-expensive wearable fitness trackers, as part of its ongoing effort to be more cost-competitive with cheeseburgers.

Team Brad Rutter won the $1 million grand prize in Jeopardy’s All-Star Team Challenge, as America welcomes the return of traditional Jeopardy!, where you can make fun of contestants who you think might actually be dumber than you.

Family Dollar plans to close 400 stores. Sales failed to meet forecasts due to a declining trend in depressing children’s birthday parties in the Deep South.