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Ghislaine Maxwell is being held in a Brooklyn jail under 24-hour surveillance, and forced to wear paper clothing. When reporters asked how she was doing, her lawyer said she’s “pretty torn up.”

The NFL’s Washington Redskins have agreed to change their name to something less racist, so you can rule out Washington Presidents.

Bollywood star Aishwarya Rai Bachchan – known as the ‘World’s Most Beautiful Woman’ – tested positive for COVID-19. It’s assumed the 150 people in the song & dance number accompanying her test are also at risk.

A Super Mario Bros cartridge sold for a record $114,000 at auction. Its value dropped to about five bucks after the buyer blew in it.

Lori Loughlin and Mossimo Giannulli sold their Bel-Air mansion. It reportedly sold for considerably less than the $28 million asking price, because the buyer really wanted that rowing machine.

As more Americans cut grains from their diets, Chipotle plans to test cauliflower rice, just as soon as they can find cauliflower with enough E.coli in it.

NBA players are complaining about the food while they resume the season at Disney World, and are also complaining that they aren’t getting any phone numbers at the daily Princess Breakfast.

Bristol Palin shared a photo with Zach Towers, a Texas roofing contractor. She hasn’t confirmed that they’re officially a couple; Palin usually only does so after she’s had the baby.

A dog in Texas tested positive for coronavirus. Health department officials are frantically contact tracing other dogs’ butts.

Donald Trump reportedly considered selling the island of Puerto Rico after Hurricane Maria since he thought it was already liquidated.

 

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Dozens of people were killed in a stampede during a funeral procession for Maj. General Qassim Suleimani in Iran. Officials blamed the first-come, first-served post funeral buffet lunch.

Jury selection begins today in the Harvey Weinstein trial. The judge refused Weinstein’s request to interview prospective jurors in a hotel room wearing a bathrobe.

Zhenmeat, a Beijing start-up, is attempting to launch a meat-substitute business in China. starting with a plant-based pork substitute. They plan other products, but say it’s hard turning plants into chicken feet.

To combat ‘deepfake’ trickery, Facebook said it will remove videos that are heavily manipulated by artificial intelligence. Facebook will continue to allow videos that are manipulated by no intelligence.

7-Eleven terminated a franchise in Japan because the owner closed on New Year’s Day. 7-Eleven found out the franchisee closed after hearing local emergency rooms failed to see a single patient on January 1st who was food poisoned by microwave burritos.

A magnitude 6.4 earthquake struck Puerto Rico. President Trump is meeting with disaster response officials to ensure they have enough paper towels.

Owners of the Nintendo Switch gaming console filed a class action lawsuit, claiming the system’s controllers are defective. They’re seeking replacement controllers and compensation for the time-out they got for throwing a tantrum when they lost a game.

Amidst stories of predecessor Gregg Easterbrook flirting with female employees,  McDonald’s CEO Chris Kempczinski is taking steps to change the company’s party-like executive culture, starting by stripping Ronald of Chief Executive Clown status.

Samsung debuted a new TV that rotates to optimize vertical images and videos from smartphones. They say landscape mode is still optimal for looking at breast pics & videos, but that vertical is best for penises.

Pill bottles full of bedbugs were found in a Pennsylvania Walmart changing room. Police don’t know if it was an act of sabotage, or a botched delivery to the Mattress Firm next door.

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Royal Caribbean cruise lines is raising its daily gratuity fee to $14.50 per passenger, per day, the third straight year it’s hiked the fee. Royal Caribbean cites increased costs of personnel and cat litter to throw on piles of puke.

Kia and Hyundai are adding Alexa-like assistant functionality to their cars starting in 2019. The automakers are taking two years to research Korean names that Americans won’t butcher each time they try saying them.

Elon Musk said that Tesla is working on an electric pickup truck. The news was confirmed after an image leaked of a decal on the Tesla truck prototype showing Calvin pissing on a gas pump.

The U.S. State Department is updating its travel warnings to a four-color-coded system for citizens planning travel to foreign countries. The safest countries will be blue, followed by yellow, orange, and Red for countries like North Korea or, if you’re the President, Puerto Rico.

According to data from Flurry Analytics, Apple devices accounted for 44% of new global tablet and smartphone activations over the holiday, and 95% of the new cracked screens.

Daryl Tait, a wheelchair-bound resident of Canada’s Yukon Territory, is behind a movement to add ocean surfing to the Summer Paralympic games. “Great idea” said sharks.

The World Health Organization is considering classifying video “gaming disorder” as a disease. A draft from the WHO characterizes it as “recurrent” gaming behavior with “impaired control over gaming”.  The disorder could include behavioral abnormalities as well as loss of multiple lives.

Recent east coast storms have covered Erie, Pennsylvania in 64 inches of snow – the height of an average adult female, and ten times as frigid.

International Falls, Minnesota set a new record of -36 degrees Fahrenheit on Wednesday morning. Local officials advised residents to stay indoors, to halve their odds of freezing to death.

  • The old record was -32 degrees set in 1924, which started a local tradition in International Falls, Minnesota – that being, getting the hell out of International Falls, Minnesota.

Sisters Ivanka and Tiffany Trump posed together in bikinis in a short Christmas video posted to Tiffany’s social media accounts. “Wow. Hot! Hope you share MORE (winking emoji)” posted anonymous commenter “realdjt45”.

 

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President Trump met with Puerto Rico’s governor, and said that he would rate the U.S.’ disaster relief response “a 10”; the governor replied that the death toll was already 48.

For the second straight year, the PNC Milwaukee Marathon miscalculated the official 26.2 mile distance, shorting it by eight-tenths of a mile. Race officials are contemplating giving full $75 refunds of the $80 race fee paid by entrants.

Playboy has named Ines Rau Miss November 2017, the magazine’s first-ever transgender playmate. The centerfold will open backwards.

Blac Chyna sued the Kardashian Family for defamation and slut-shaming; a Kardashian attorney replied, saying this is a case of the pot calling the kettle Blac.

The FAA is considering banning large electronic devices from checked luggage, citing concerns about devices overheating and causing fires, and several cases of Japanese travelers’ sex robots freezing to death in the cargo hold.

Researchers writing in Nature Communications studied the rapid breakdown of glucose to fuel cancerous tumor growth – known as the Warburg Effect – establishing a clearer connection between sugar and cancer. Next up, the researchers intend to study what’s known as the McFlurry Effect.

Twitter users are criticizing a Business Insider study that claims Chick-Fil-A was the most popular fast food restaurant in 39 states, based solely on Foursquare check-ins. The survey was seen as most damaging to customers of Popeye’s Chicken, many of whom thought Foursquare was a value meal.

President Trump continued his battle with the NFL by starting an “I Stand For the Anthem” petition on a GOP website. Republican officials marveled at the number of signatures, and expressed surprise at the number of U.S. Citizens named F*ckYou.

Illusionist David Blaine has publicly denied rape allegations made by model Natasha Prince, claiming that at the time of the incident, he was simultaneously in several other countries!

The Philippines Department of Labor issued a new regulation requiring that office workers must be given breaks every two hours to stand and walk. Filipina hookers must be allowed breaks to sit every two hours.

The Orionid Meteor Showers will peak tonight – good thing, since NASA scientists claim that Mars is getting pretty smelly.

 

 

 

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A YouGov/Omnibus study reveals that 53% of Millennial women have received a naked photo from a man. The other 47% hadn’t checked their text messages that day. [h/t to J. Ost]

Boy Scouts of America announced that they’ll admit girls. Young women who choose to join Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts will henceforth be known as Bi Scouts.

Raging California wildfires are burning large marijuana crops. The fires are expected to cause shortages of recreational marijuana, and police are dealing with record invasions of Taco Bell from ravenously hungry rabbits and deer.

President Trump tweeted that relief efforts for Puerto Rico can’t go on forever; adding that nothing is forever, just ask Ivana and Marla.

Pornhub told TechCrunch it’s utilizing a robot to document performers, sex positions and categories of its content.  Pornhub says that the robot’s work is incredibly accurate, but it has a hard time talking to its female coworkers.

Technology company Purpose has developed a new chatbot called ‘Hope’. The bot is targeted to those who need help coping with their concerns about Donald Trump. Hope will reply to you with tips to speak to conservative friends, ways to contact elected officials, and liquor coupons.

Rose McGowan’s Twitter account has been suspended for digital harassment, different from digital harassment employed by Harvey Weinstein.

 

Australian doctors removed a woman’s lymph node, which became cancerous with ink that migrated from a tattoo she’d received 15 years earlier. She’s expected to make a full recovery, and Air Supply has generously paid to touch-up the tatt.

An asteroid that size of a house will zoom past Earth on Thursday at a distance of about 26,000 miles, according to NASA. The asteroid is exploring a run for U.S. President in 2020.

An essay on how to treat women in the workplace is going viral. Victoria Clark writes on Medium that men should treat women the same way they would treat Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson. Some women oppose The Rock Test, saying male coworkers are asking them to pose topless and flex; and confused men say they don’t have $10 million to give their female coworkers to make terrible movies.

 

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Researchers at MIT have created tiny transforming robots, called ‘Primers’, outfitted with exoskeletons that change shape — allowing them to swim, walk, roll, glide..and star in at least five terrible movies.

According to a new survey from YouGov Omnibus, half of American adults believe having sex with robots will become common in the next 50 years; and 80% of Japanese adults believe having sex with robots will become common in the next 30 minutes.

Comedian DL Hughley said on his radio show that it’s easier to buy 10 guns than it is to buy two packs of Sudafed. An NRA spokesman replied, saying that’s because guns are proven to be more effective at clearing nasal congestion.

President Trump hosted a meeting at the White House to commemorate October as Hispanic Heritage Month. He asked if any of the Hispanic women in attendance had breast cancer so he could knock out two meetings at once.

Sesame Street launched new video tools to help children coping with trauma, starting with “Elmo Totally Just Can’t Even Right Now” and “Oscar The Grouch Wasn’t Carrying Flood Insurance“.

The Supreme Court ruled that employers can’t be forced to cover birth control as part of their health insurance offerings, so if you have your eye on that hot cashier at Hobby Lobby, budget for condoms.

AOL Instant Messenger will shut down for good in December, feted with a gala sendoff from sex cam models who retired on the money they made there.

Netflix is raising prices on its flagship service from $11.99/month to $13.99/month; in a move expected to draw outrage from cord-cutting millennials who spend $5/day on coffee.

Top CIA officials were quoted this week saying that North Korea’s Kim Jong Un is a ‘rational actor’ with ‘long term goals’ – and that he is ‘not crazy’. Asked if they were willing to say the same things about President Trump, they looked at their phones and said they had to take a call.

Lin Manuel-Miranda is set to release a new song ‘Almost Like Praying’ to benefit Puerto Rico disaster relief.  You have to wait six months to hear it at a cost of $500.

 

 

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Equifax has been awarded a $7 million contract by the IRS to help prevent fraudulent tax claims; Equifax auditors then announced that they’re missing $7 million.

A 900 year-old Chinese bowl sold for $38 Million. The bowl was in remarkable condition, except for a scratches from crab legs piled so high that no one else at the buffet got any.

Melania Trump will travel with the President to Las Vegas in the wake of Sunday’s deadly shooting. There are reports that she wants to donate blood. The Red Cross has asked her what type, and she said “rich”.

  • In addition to her request to donate blood, she also asked for a donated pint of blood to drink on the ride home.
  • Observers could tell the trip to Las Vegas was a somber occasion, since Melania chose black stiletto heels instead of her disaster-relief get-‘er-done blue ones.

President Trump told reporters before traveling to Las Vegas that he believes it will be difficult to bring relief there since it’s in the middle of a desert – a big, hot desert..made of sand.

Melania wore white jeans while visiting Puerto Rico with President Trump on Tuesday. Responding to criticism regarding wearing white after Labor Day, the First Lady said she almost broke a sweat handing out paper towels, so it was still Labor Day to her.

Dan Evans, Great Britain’s 4th-ranked tennis professional, was suspended for one year after testing positive for cocaine — said a line judge.

Tim Murphy, a Pennsylvania Republican congressman who co-sponsored a bill to criminalize abortions after 20 weeks, reportedly texted his mistress to get an abortion during a pregnancy scare. When the mistress confronted the Congressman about his hypocrisy, he told her to sit tight for 20 weeks while he figured things out.

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson spoke publicly to reassert his commitment to the job, following published reports that he called President Trump a ‘moron’ and threatened to quit over the summer. The conference ended with Tillerson receiving a call from Air Force One, as a photo of the President and the word ‘Moron’ appeared on his smartphone.

A woman lost her finger in a chain link fence while watching her child’s tee ball game. She was removed from the crowd when her son was called out at home, and she flipped off the umpire by tossing her detached finger at him.

Apple released its second update to iOS11, this time to fix a “crackling” noise that users reported hearing on calls while using iPhone 8, that was totally not because someone was listening in on them said the State Department and CEO Tim Cook.

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88% of Puerto Rico residents are still without cell phone service. The outage most severely impacts T-Mobile customers, who aren’t really sure they ever had service to begin with.

Three U.S. scientists will share the Nobel Prize for physics for their detection of gravitational waves – the stretching & squeezing of space-time occurring when massive objects accelerate. They were able to successfully prove the existence of a black hole formed at the entrance of a Popeye’s Chicken when it opens for lunch.

National Geographic compiled a list of 10 huge discoveries that should have been Nobel Prize winners, but weren’t. The list includes the World Wide Web, the Human Genome, Dark Matter – and Donald Trump’s combover.

Chaotic scenes played out in Spain following a Catalonian referendum on independence. A Quinnipiac poll asked 1,000 Americans what they thought of Catalonia; 50 were in favor of independence, 50 were against, 800 said they didn’t know, and 100 said it was their favorite Bob Seger song.

Former Equifax CEO Richard Smith is set to testify before Congress on Tuesday, and he’ll remain in Washington DC for three more days of hearings. He’s trying to find a couch to crash on, since none of his credit cards are being accepted at hotels.

  • Equifax admitted this week that another 2.5 million records had been stolen; even more may be added to the total as Eastern European hackers staff up for the Holidays.

Warren Buffett announced that his Berkshire Hathaway will buy a majority ownership stake in truck stop company Pilot Flying J.  The news was welcomed by meth dealers and prostitutes who will finally have tuition reimbursement and 401Ks.

 

Following Sunday night’s horrific shooting in Las Vegas, President Trump led the nation in a moment of silence Monday afternoon, and was awarded the Nobel Prize for Irony.

A coalition of 40 Roman Catholic organizations in the ‘Global Catholic Climate Movement’ announced that they will no longer invest in fossil fuels – choosing, instead, to shift their funds to creationist fuels.

Senator Elizabeth Warren told Wells Fargo CEO Tim Sloan that he should be fired, at which point President Trump burst into the Senate Banking Committee hearing to accuse Pocahontas of stealing his line.

 

 

 

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The Centers for Disease Control recorded over 2 million new cases of gonorrhea, syphilis & chlamydia in 2016 – the highest annual number ever recorded. The record-breaking year was celebrated with a lavish party at Tinder headquarters.

A male music teacher is being investigated for possibly giving grade school students wind instruments contaminated with his semen as part of the ‘Flutes Across the World’ music instruction program. Lab analysts are busy trying to separate the flutes contaminated with the instructor’s bodily fluid from the ones used by kids that like GoGurt.

Many eyes will be on NBA players as preseason games begin. Commissioner Adam Silver reminded teams NBA rules require that players stand for the National Anthem. However the league has yet to intervene to force NBA players to do things they don’t want to do, like play defense.

Filmmaker James Cameron has been slammed for his remarks calling this summer’s Wonder Woman movie a ‘step backward’ for women because of lead actress Gal Gadot’s beauty and form-fitting bustier costume. To back up his criticism, Cameron said all the female Na’vi in the Avatar sequels will get digital breast reductions and wear extra-large sweatshirts.

Justin Timberlake is rumored to be the next Super Bowl halftime performer. Janet Jackson may join him to reunite their pairing from the infamous Wardrobe Malfunction 14 years ago — but just to watch Timberlake while she breastfeeds her son.

As President Trump’s war of words with the Mayor of San Juan, Puerto Rico continued, Vice President Mike Pence visited FEMA headquarters to ensure that Puerto Rico would be able to receive large shipments of thoughts and prayers.

The Wall Street Journal profiled a food executive who is starting a new form of yoga done while standing on a floating paddleboard. Her favorite position is the sun salute; her least favorite is drownward dog.

The stars of Sex and the City confirmed to tv’s ‘Extra’ that there will be no Sex and the City 3 movie. However, ‘Menopause in the City’ is still a possibility.

The Flatliners remake bombed at the box office over the weekend, leaving entertainment writers struggling for a word to describe it.

Actresses Kristen Stewart and Lupita Nyong’o are rumored to be in consideration for another Charlie’s Angels reboot. This time, the story focuses on three women spies that men aren’t all that interested in and vice-versa.