By |

The Writers Guild of America is reportedly close to resolving their strike with Hollywood studios. Writers could return to work as soon as this week to be terrorized by Jimmy Fallon.

President Zelensky said Abrams tanks from the U.S. have arrived in Ukraine. He thanked the U.S. for the tanks, and for the porno mags left in them by U.S. soldiers.

A leading exercise physiologist said more people in the U.S. are “skinny fat” – exercising, but still unhealthy because of their diet. This is also known as The Planet Fitness Effect.

Ryan Seacrest revealed that nothing will change when he takes over from Pat Sajak as host of Wheel Of Fortune. Producers rejected a proposal to implement ‘surge pricing’ for vowels.

Philadelphia-area photographers say many women booking “boudoir shoots” want their bedroom photos taken while wearing Philadelphia Eagles jerseys. Although some women question how badly their husbands and boyfriends want to have sex with a football player.

Expend4ables bombed at the box office, collecting just $8.3 million in ticket sales, and an even more disappointing $30 million in popcorn and soda sales.

Taylor Swift attended the Kansas City Chiefs game in the suite of Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce, sitting next to Kelce’s mother. Their relationship is unclear, since Swift has already met Kelce’s mother, but haven’t exchanged friendship bracelets or tongues.

Swift and Kelce reportedly had a postgame dinner date at a local restaurant, where she paid all of the customers inside to leave early so they could have the place to themselves. However, several customers refused to leave until they finished their Moons Over My Hammy.

Chester County, Pennsylvania held a town hall meeting to address security concerns after the escape of murderer Danelo Cavalcante from the county jail. Residents in attendance became angry when two other fugitive murderers spoke at the meeting, then fled.

The daughter of a homeless Florida woman who was found dead in the jaws of an alligator started a GoFundMe to raise funeral expenses, and maybe get a handbag, belt and a pair of shoes out of the deal.

By |

A Delta Airlines jet safely landed at Charlotte Airport without its nose gear. “Got your nose gear!”, said a flock of passing geese.

Ghislaine Maxwell is reportedly so disliked at FCI Tallahassee that she’s been dubbed Prison Karen for her constant complaints about the lack of vegan food options and her inability to get black hair dye. It must be bad because she’s the only woman offering massage therapy and not getting any takers.

Madonna postponed her upcoming tour after being hospitalized with a severe bacterial infection. She recovering, and issued a statement “we are living in a bacterial world, and I am a bacterial girl.”

Kevin Costner’s estranged wife is demanding $248,000/month for child support. Costner alleges that some of the money is going to plastic surgery, so his ex amended her demand to Child/Breast/Buttock Support.

Following the change of hosts from Pat Sajak to Ryan Seacrest, hostess Vanna White is negotiating a raise in her reported $3 million annual salary. So far, she hasn’t solved Sony Entertainment’s latest offer of Y__’RE N_T GETT_NG __RE __NEY.

Rudy Giuliani is reportedly cooperating in an investigation of Donald Trump’s attempt to reverse the 2020 election. Giuliani is being held in protective custody by New York City’s newly appointed Rat Czar.

Twitter is reportedly rejoining a group battling online child sex abuse. This, after the group agreed to pay $5/month for Twitter Blue.

The Supreme Court is set to rule on student loan forgiveness programs. It’s not certain how they’ll rule, but Burger King is reportedly flooded with new applications.

The World Health Organization is reportedly planning to announce artificial sweetener aspartame as a possible carcinogen, making it the 237th good reason not to drink Diet Coke.

ESPN announced they’re laying off as many as 20 longtime on-air broadcasters & hosts. It’s expected to save parent company ABC/Disney millions of dollars, and save wear-and-tear on the Mute buttons of viewers everywhere.

By |

The Bay County, Florida sheriff say he is “beyond frustrated” that nine people ignoring rip current/no swimming warnings drowned at Panama City Beach just this month. However, local sharks say they’re “beyond delighted”.

Nadya Suleman – aka Octomom – posted selfies showing off her shredded gym body, 14 years after octuplets shredded her delivery room body.

The United States Postal Service is raising the price of Forever stamps from 63 cents to 66 cents starting July 9th. They also announced Forever stamps no longer mean they’ll always be good, they mean your letter will take Forever to reach its recipient.

Ryan Seacrest will succeed Pat Sajak as host of ‘Wheel Of Fortune’ – dropping Levar Burton to 0-and-2.

Ticket sales for superhero movie ‘The Flash’ dropped by 73% in its second week of release. “That was fast” said producers losing their shirts.

Los Angeles Angels phenom Shohei Otani struck out 10 batters and hit two home runs before leaving the game against the Chicago White Sox with a cracked nail on his pitching hand. Several groupies offered their nails as a replacement, but they were two inches too long.

South Korea adopted the global standard for age counting – zero at birth, one year added each birthday – meaning thousands of Koreans are a year younger on paper. Mississippians purchasing child brides are thrilled to be getting 12-year-olds for the price of a teenager.

United Airlines CEO Scott Kirby blasted the FAA for their decision to cancel hundreds of flights due to storms across the U.S., leading to days-long delays for passengers. Nonetheless, Kirby said flight attendants are using the free time to train for inevitable in-flight fistfights with frustrated passengers.

A McDonald’s customer in Ohio found a nose ring in her Quarter Pounder, covered in what she hopes is cheese.

The first photos emerged of wreckage retrieved from the imploded OceanGate Titan submersible. Pieces will be examined for clues as to what happened, then given to the Smithsonian for their upcoming “They Ain’t All Great Ideas” exhibit.

By |

Wild deer have been found with coronavirus antibodies. The deer feel pretty good about their chances with COVID-19, they just wish people would stop shooting them and hitting them with cars.

Former Fleetwood Mac guitarist/vocalist Lindsey Buckingham said in an interview that “almost everyone” would be happy to have him back in the band. He wouldn’t articulate who wouldn’t want him back, but it rhymes with Skeevy Ticks.

Guns N’ Roses kicked off a new tour. Shares of the company that owns Jack Daniels rose 2000% in early trading.

A new study links alcohol use to cancer. People find out they have cancer, then get loaded.

The owner of Scholastic, who died suddenly in June, left the $1.2 billion educational publishing company to his former lover and cut his family out of his will. It’s being called Scholastic’s hardest lesson.

Flight attendants on a Frontier Airlines flight duct-taped an unruly passenger to his seat after he groped their breasts and punched one. Spirit Airlines expressed regret at losing one of their Platinum Elite frequent-flyer members.

ABC Network announced that all of the American Idol judges & host – Katy Perry, Luke Bryan, Lionel Richie & Ryan Seacrest – will return next season. Which is more than you can say for the winner of American Idol, who everyone’s forgotten already.

CVS Pharmacy raised its minimum wage to $15 and eliminated education requirements for some positions. They were immediately flooded with applications from high-school dropouts for jobs handling drugs.

Barack Obama canceled his planned 60th birthday party on Martha’s Vineyard due to surging COVID-19 cases. So Donald Trump shipped the gift-wrapped box of dog poop to New York Governor Andrew Cuomo instead.

Visitors to New Jersey shore beaches have been marveling at how clear the water has been recently, saying you can now see all the medical waste, and the stream when nearby swimmers are pissing.

By |

Happy New Year! Thanks For Reading!

Weekly unemployment claims fell for the second consecutive week, but do not yet reflect massive layoffs expected at the North Pole.

Donald Trump plans to return to Washington and skip the annual Mar-A-Lago New Year’s Eve party, once he found out a bunch of Health Department narcs are shutting down tongue-kissing at midnight.

The minimum wage will increase in over 20 states in 2021. Shares of Gold Tipped Walking Sticks Incorporated are up in early trading.

A Wisconsin healh-care worker intentionally ruined hundreds of COVID-19 vaccines by removing them from a refrigerator. Even worse, he later microwaved the curried salmon he’d made room for in the fridge.

All-time Jeopardy! great Ken Jennings apologized for past insensitive tweets, but Daily Doubled down on some others.

Joe & Jill Biden will ring in 2021 as part of New Year’s Rockin Eve. Ryan Seacrest hosts, and will be in charge of waking Joe up at 11:45.

Samuel Little, believed to be the U.S.’ most prolific serial killer, died in a California prison at age 80. Little now begins the second of his three life sentences.

COVID-19 restrictions forced the move of the Rose Bowl to Texas, where it will be the Yellow Rose Bowl.

After multiple COVID outbreaks, the White House is being deep-cleaned at a taxpayer cost of $127,000. And it still smells like french fries.

Amazon is acquiring podcast producer Wondery, and starting a new podcast, ‘I Wondery Where My Package Is?’.

By |

Due to the coronavirus, the state of Arizona announced it’s delaying the first day of school. “Yeah, but what about the second day of school?” asked an Arizona high school football captain.

WNBA Players Association president Nneka Ogwumike told a USA Today reporter that players opted out of their agreement with the league as a “bet on themselves”. She then asked the reporter to pull up to the second window to continue the interview.

Ryan Seacrest broke up with longtime girlfriend Shayna Taylor, and vacationed with an unidentified woman in Mexico. He requests privacy until they debut three new talk shows together.

Studies show talking may spread coronavirus even worse than coughing. Experts call this one more reason for blowing off your grandparents.

Google added ten new dinosaurs you can place in photos using Google search and augmented reality. They include velociraptor, stegosaurus and Mitch McConnell.

The Women’s Tennis Association announced they’ll return with several small tournaments in late summer, including the Prague Open, featuring Karolina Pliskova and Petra Kvitova. They look forward to their extended break being ova.

Mark Wahlberg shared a photo of his back after an allergy scratch test. Wahlberg posted the tests revealed he’s “allergic to almost everything” – excluding awful Michael Bay and M. Night Shyamalan movies.

Looking at a red light for three minutes every day may improve eyesight in people over 40. However, it also increases the risk of getting honked at when the light turns green.

Fox News fired anchor Ed Henry following an investigation into sexual harassment. Henry was let go after it was determined he wasn’t harassing women nearly enough.

Alaska Airlines flight attendants will issue yellow warning cards to passengers who refuse to wear face masks while on board. If they refuse, they’ll receive a red card and a parachute.

 

By |

A teen boy in Buffalo, NY received a Ford Mustang convertible as a reward for independently cleaning up his street after riots and protests. He hopped in the car and left Buffalo.

Thousands of New York City businesses are reopening after pandemic lockdown, forcing tens of thousands of residents to decide if they want to give up the sweet parking spot they’ve had for 10 weeks.

Minneapolis City Council voted to defund its police force. They’ve already begun recruiting new citizen patrols by offering Free Parkas.

The White House is considering a Trump speech to the nation on race and unity. White House insiders describe the proposed speech as “really short”.

According to an NBC News/Wall Street Journal poll, four out of five voters think the United States is “out of control”. One in five voters think racial division, rampant disease & record unemployment are “pretty cool”.

CrossFit CEO Greg Glassman tweeted “it’s Floyd-19” in response to a tweet about racism being a public health issue. In response, high-profile CrossFit athletes severed ties with the organization and will find other ways to tear their ligaments.

Wichita State nixed Ivanka Trump’s virtual commencement speech. She then tweeted in condemnation of ‘cancel culture’, but still expressed thanks for not actually having to go to Wichita.

Microsoft is giving its Edge web browser to everyone updating Windows 10. Edge has new features like the ability to hide notification prompts, so you won’t be annoyed when your computer tries telling you your personal information is being stolen.

Following a May health scare, friends of Ryan Seacrest worry that he’s “overdoing it” – a concern echoed by everyone watching tv who’s sick of seeing Ryan Seacrest.

Monthly sales of Tesla Model 3 vehicles tripled in China – as pandemic lockdowns ended, and as Chinese drivers crashed Model 3s into each other and had to buy new ones.

An Apple Watch called police in Chandler, Arizona after its wearer fainted and remained unconscious. Paramedics arrived and the watch directed them to the nearest Apple Store for a new watch.

By |

Two members of rock band Journey were fired, accused of using a holding company to gain control of the Journey name & trademark for financial gain. In other news, the name & trademark for Dexy’s Midnight Runners sold for $4.59 on eBay.

According to the Boston Herald, a phone call between New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick and QB Tom Brady “did not go well”. Presumably, when Brady found out three different people were recording it.

Retired NHL tough guy Matthew Barnaby, formerly of the Buffalo Sabres, was arrested in Nashvillle for allegedly choking the bouncer at a bar. Barnaby was taken to a hospital when he jumped out of the moving squad car after five minutes.

Katy Perry officially announced she’s expecting a baby with fiancee Orlando Bloom. Perry tweeted “omg so glad I don’t have to suck it in anymore”.  Bloom replied “wait..what?”.

Donald Trump told Sean Hannity he thinks it’s okay if people with coronavirus continue to go to work, but only after they watch five hours of tv in the morning and eat a hearty hamburger or fried chicken lunch.

Starbucks is suspending customers’ using their own mug or tumbler to be filled with coffee drinks, citing coronavirus concerns. So now, expect the person ahead of you to punctuate their pretentious 60-second order with an equally long argument.

Ryan Seacrest of ‘Live with Kelly & Ryan’ revealed part of his preshow routine is to not make eye contact with co-host Kelly Ripa. Husbands of their biggest fans say it’s just like their weekday routine of never making eye contact with the show.

In a meeting with airline executives about coronavirus plans, Donald Trump claimed he hadn’t touched his own face in weeks. He added that he’s fine not touching his face as long as he can pick his nose and teeth.

The makers of Tito’s vodka warned it can’t be used in homemade hand sanitizer because it’s only 40% alcohol. The makers of Bankers Club vodka say they actually prefer you using it as hand sanitizer instead of drinking it.

Target employees claim they’ve received no communication from senior management about how to handle the coronavirus. Walmart employees say they’ve been told to keep coughing on customers and napping as usual.

By |

A park in Central Florida is closed during snake mating season, as snakes form ‘breeding balls’ where multiple males mate with a single female. While people can’t watch in person, Florida Fish & Game officials are making it available for $9.95 on pay-per-view.

An Oregon comedian was fired for illegally fleeing the MS Westerdam cruise ship, which is quanantined with coronavirus. Several passengers have developed a dry, persistent hack, and also describe the comedian as a dry, persistent hack. [Story h/t to Dave P.]

During the Democratic Presidential Debate, Elizabeth Warren accused Mike Bloomberg of calling women “fat broads” and “horse-faced lesbians”. Bloomberg then asked Warren how she was able to read his old employee performance reviews.

Researchers have devised a way to use discarded McDonald’s cooking oil as a plastic resin in 3D printers. They hope that one day it can be used to improve amputees lives by 3D printing prosthetic limbs that smell like french fries.

Kelly Ripa discussed her recent decision to stop drinking alcohol. “I felt better, so I just stopped.” Her decision has inspired thousands of others who now feel better because they just stopped.. watching ‘Live with Kelly & Ryan’.

Fitbit trackers may soon be updated to detect sleep apnea. When someone snores in the middle of the night, the Fitbit on their spouse’s wrist will track the number of punches they throw to get them to stop.

Cord-cutting accelerated in 2019, as more & more Americans cancelled their cable video service. Comcast said they welcome cord-cutting, and will assist their customers in doing so by selling them a pair of wire cutters for just $149.

Walmart denies asking a woman and her 22-year-old autistic son to leave a Pennsylvania store because the non-verbal son was making loud noises. The mother claims a worker told them he was disturbing customers’ shopping and other employees’ sleeping.

Croydon, New Hampshire fired its only policeman at a town meeting, telling him to surrender his patrol car and uniform. He did, leaving the meeting wearing only boots, a hat and his underwear. Police in the next town over were called to investigate a man who robbed a Croydon 7-Eleven wearing only a hat, boots and underwear.

The jury in the Harvey Weinstein trial entered the third day of deliberations, equalling the amount of time women deliberated over whether they should have sex with a rich guy as disgusting as Harvey Weinstein.

By |

The New York Times endorsed both Amy Klobuchar and Elizabeth Warren as Democratic Party candidates for President. Donald Trump said that he, too, endorses “two women at the same time”.

Frontier Communications, which provides cable tv & internet service in 29 different states, plans to file for bankruptcy. Executives blame high operating expense, and not realizing that they could just jack up prices every year for the hell of it.

Golf-ball sized hailstones hit parts of Australia. Koalas and kangaroos, already exhausted by wildfires, are now dealing with concussions.

Kelly Ripa said that she stopped drinking when Ryan Seacrest became her cohost, adding that it’s probably a good idea to wait until the show’s over at 10a.m., anyway.

Prince Harry said he and Meghan Markle had “no other option” than to stand down as royals. Meanwhile a thousand different homeless Londoners asked if they could try out Harry & Meg’s unacceptable option for a couple of days.

French tennis player Elliot Benchirit was told off by an Australian Open umpire because he asked a tournament ball girl to peel the banana he planned to eat during a changeover. The umpire told Benchirit to take it out of his shorts pocket.

Gun rights advocates gathered in Richmond, Virginia in a protest against additional gun control in the state. Asked how it was different from a Trump rally, attendees said “calmer, with fewer guns”.

Navigation app Waze is mistakenly sending drivers heading to the Borgata hotel in Atlantic City to a wildlife preserve 60 miles away. The wildlife preserve was established as a safe haven for retired Atlantic City hookers.

A commercial airline pilot has been fired for writing pro-Trump and racist graffiti in the bathroom of a Florida airport. The pilot admitted he has “anger issues” and “a new job with Frontier Airlines”.

Tim Tebow got married in South Africa over the weekend. His wife said she hopes the avowed virgin Tebow is better at sex than he is at baseball.