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Sarah Huckabee Sanders claims in a new memoir that Kim Jong Un ‘winked’ at her during a summit. A North Korean spokesman disputes this, stating Sanders was chewing an Arby’s Big Montana with her mouth open and it flew into Kim’s eye.

New analysis shows hospitalized COVID-19 patients respond favorably to steroid treatments, with most gaining enough strength to bench-press their ventilator.

Michael Jordan acquired an ownership stake in online wagering service DraftKings, then lost it later that day betting a guy who beat him at golf.

Donald Trump said in an interview that police officers like the one who shot Jacob Blake seven times in the back “choke” like golfers missing a short putt. Racist cops disagreed, saying they usually choke suspects first, then shoot.

Website WalletHub ranked Philadelphia the second-worst city in the nation to drive. The worst city is Whatever One Takes You In To Philadelphia.

Melania Trump’s former adviser Stephanie Winston-Wolcott claims Melania used private email accounts to conduct official White House business. Melania said it was just easier selling her Oval Office nude photos using Gmail.

Airliners approaching & departing LAX reported seeing a man in a jetpack at an altitude of about 3,000 feet. Spirit Airlines then said he was the only guy booked on a flight so they let him fly self-service.

YouTube vlogger Caleb Simpson and a friend rode white go-karts through New York City while dressed as Mario and Luigi to recreate Mario Kart. Police arrested a person of interest chasing them while tossing bob-bombs.

A new analysis names MacKenzie Scott, ex-wife of Amazon founder Jeff Bezos, as the Wealthiest Woman In The World. Authors of the analysis are being asked for her address by Jerry Falwell, Jr’s old poolboy.

A Dutch inventor claims to have created a solar-powered handheld gaming console. Now when parents tell their lazy kids to “go outside”, they’ll have something they want to do.

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Rebecca Rivers, an employee activist at Google who participated in protests against the company’s policies and partnerships, said she has been terminated. Her search job has now become a job search.

Bill Cosby said in a new interview he expects to serve his full 10=year sentence instead of saying he’s sorry. His prison’s warden said that’s okay, Cosby can say he’s sorry and still serve 10 years.

Burglars in Dresden, Germany broke into one of Europe’s oldest museums, stealing  priceless ancient jewels historians say have immeasurable material and cultural value.  “Tell me about it” said the manager of a Pandora store burglarized over the weekend.

President Trump hosted Conan, the dog that assisted in a successful raid on ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi. Trump said he asked the dog’s handlers what chance a “tough, strong fighter” would have against the dog. They replied “none…same as you.”

Detroit Lions fans are considering boycotting the team’s annual Thanksgiving Day home game to protest the team’s terrible performance. Others plan to go, since they say watching locals get beat up is part of life in Detroit.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders told the New York Times she doesn’t like being called a liar. Tuesday she told Fox News that President Trump reads more than anyone she knows. Finally, she told a third interviewer that she, her husband and children are all illiterate.

Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade may not include iconic character balloons due to forecast high winds — confirming the opinion from people of all ages who think the parade blows.

Airbus plans to test the fuel-saving effects of jumbo jets “tailgating” – one jet flying closely behind another – on trans-Atlantic fights. So far they’re still training the pilot in front not to slam on the brakes in midair, and the pilot in back not to start a fistfight in the terminal after they’ve landed.

A man in China treated his ear infection by stuffing a clove of garlic in it and leaving it there for two months. It fermented and had to be surgically removed, since it was also blocking removal of the chopped onions.

An 88-year-old Ohio man used a 3-foot nutcracker outdoor Christmas ornament to hit a pit bull that attacked a small girl. The girl suffered minor injuries, and the pit bull complained that the holiday decorations were out too soon.

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The Queen of Sweden is partnering with Ikea to design homes for people with dementia – although the occupants don’t have dementia when they start putting them together.

KFC is testing plant-based boneless chicken from Beyond Meat at one of its Georgia restaurants. It’s the first time KFC has sold chicken that isn’t really chicken since a day or two ago.

Mattel introduced a Barbie doll modeled after astronaut Sally Ride, but is being criticized for giving her a pink Space Shuttle.

Disney announced a new She-Hulk series for its upcoming Disney + streaming service. The lead role hasn’t been cast, but producers were disappointed when Sarah Huckabee Sanders took a job with Fox News.

Following a fire at an Arby’s restaurant in New Jersey, a worker was treated for smoke inhalation. While hospitalized, he was also treated for Arby’s food inhalation.

A Louisiana farmer attending a cow auction brought home a five-legged calf because no one else wanted it, and because he said he’s dated worse.

A pregnant woman was kicked in the stomach by another woman during a dispute at a Chick-fil-A drive-thru – proving Chicken Sandwich Wars aren’t ending anytime soon.

Harvey Weinstein’s sex-crimes trial was delayed until January. He’ll want it even less now that it’ll be a year older.

Police in Upstate New York say dealers are selling pills containing Xanax, Fentanyl, and heroin – designed to look like SweeTarts candy. “OMG, these are addictive!” said someone eating SweeTarts.

Police were forced to shoot a pit bull and a bull mastiff that attacked a 50-year-old man in North Philadelphia. The dogs were suspended from the Philadelphia K-9 Police Academy.

 

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The White House revoked the credentials of CNN’s Jim Acosta, following his tense exchange at a press conference with President Trump, when Acosta touched the arm of an intern attempting to take his mic. “Touching the White House interns is forbidden unless you’re the President” said Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg was hospitalized, as her doctors said she suffered three fractured ribs in a fall. Justices Gorsuch, Kavanaugh, Thomas & Roberts wrote their dissent that the ribs weren’t fractured after all.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions was effectively fired, submitting a resignation letter at the request of President Trump on Wednesday. Trump supposedly authored the letter on Monday, but it took Sessions & staff two days to correct the spelling and grammar errors.

Among the candidates to replace Sessions as Attorney General — former NJ Governor and Trump Transition Team member Chris Christie. Adding Christie to Trump’s staff is believed to be an inside route to getting the White House one of those black ‘Free McDonald’s For Life’ cards.

Following a worldwide employee protest last week, Google is announcing new policies around sexual harassment in the workplace — doing so via one of the most uncomfortable Google Doodles you’ll ever watch.

Former reality tv star Anna Duggar sparked rumors of her being pregnant with her sixth child after video showed her with what could be a baby bump. Other Duggar women sparked bigger rumors after videos showed them with flat stomachs, shocking the world by not being pregnant for a couple of weeks.

Brody Roybal, two-time USA Paralympic sled hockey gold medalist, climbed Chicago’s Willis Tower’s 2,149 stairs using his upper body, arms & hands on Sunday. No word on when the elevators will be fixed.

Taco Bell announced “Party By Taco Bell”, a program that will allow people to book small gatherings in Taco Bell locations between November 24 and December 22. Party By Taco Bell can be used by families, groups of friends, or companies looking for a cheap way to say how much they hate their employees.

Reddit’s ‘Apple’ community is flooded with complaints over the company nickel-and-diming their users with charges for cloud storage, dongles and other fees making it more expensive to send penis pics to disgusted women.

Walmart announced its Black Friday electronics deals. They’ll start as early as 10pm on Thanksgiving night on Walmart.com, or via stampede in-person at Midnight.

 

 

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A pet pig in Indianapolis is being hailed as a hero for scaring off burglars during a break-in. The homeowners were away at the time. Police investigating the crime say that the criminals were either scared away by the pig, or by the way the house looked while the pig lived there alone.

Apple is the first U.S. publicly-traded company to reach $1 trillion in value. Analysts say Apple shares are so valuable because – unlike Apple phones – you can actually expect them to keep working for you 18 months after you buy them.

The GirlCrew app is gaining popularity – it works like Tinder, only it allows women to find new platonic female friends to hang out with. GirlCrew currently enjoys a four-star rating on the Apple App Store, despite some one-star ratings from disappointed lesbians.

White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders refused to say that the press is not “the enemy of the people”, despite repeated prodding from CNN’s Jim Acosta at Thursday’s briefing. Her performance was criticized by members of the press, and by Fonzie, who said he finally learned to say when he was “wrong”.

San Francisco’s Café X is using robot baristas to make specialty coffees. The robots are programmed to ask regulars how their screenplay is coming; use motion sensors to call the cops on anyone who doesn’t move for an hour; and can lift a 25-pound dumbbell attached to the restroom key.

Dozens of goats are roaming unsupervised in a Boise, Idaho neighborhood, presumably because – like many Boise residents – they can’t find anything fun to do.

Texas Rangers second baseman Rougned Odor became the first player in MLB history to draw five walks in a game and also hit a home run – making him an extremely pleasant Odor.

Amazon is purging its Marketplace from extremist merchandise after it was found merchants were selling products with white nationalist branding. The products included baby ‘onesies’ with cross-burning imagery and swastika pendants. The move left residents of Wilkes Barre PA scrambling for apparel to wear to Thursday’s Trump rally.

A New Mexico father was jailed following a viral video of him encouraging his 12-year-old daughter to beat up another girl. The man announced plans to leave the area upon his release, and move to a city where they have youth hockey.

The Social Security Administration listed its Top 1,000 baby names. In 2017, only 51 girls in the U.S. were named ‘Isis’. And they’re all having a reeeeeeallly hard time getting play dates.

 

 

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Dolly Parton’s theme park Dollywood is being sued for $2 million by a woman who said she suffered a severe spinal injury on the park’s RiverRush Water Coaster. Worse, she claims park medical staff in overalls and straw hats attempted to anesthetize her intravenously with the contents of two ceramic jugs labeled ‘XXX’.

Heather Locklear was arrested for the second time in two weeks, charged with battery on a police office and an EMT. Her parents are hopeful that Heather will get the help she so desperately needs – a really good agent.

Fixer Upper stars Joanna & Chip Gaines shared the first photo of their new baby son, Crew. He was named for the crew of workers who went to work this week renovating her birth canal.

Medical journal Obesity claims acceptance for plus-size people may prevent overweight adults from recognizing their own weight gain. A survey of 23,000 overweight/obese adults found 60 percent of men and 30 percent of women underestimated their weight. 90 percent returned the survey with mayonnaise stains.

Actor Mel Gibson lost his lawsuit to block the release of the film ‘Professor and the Madman’, which stars Gibson and documents the origins of the Oxford English Dictionary.  Gibson will not promote the film, and cancelled his appearance at the San Diego DictionaryCon.

Owner of Lexington, Virginia restaurant The Red Hen asked White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders and 7 of her family members to leave on the basis of “moral conviction”. Sanders said she left without incident, and was only there to have a small salad and glass of water, anyway.

Actor Michael Rapaport was able to defuse a situation aboard an American Airlines flight from Houston to Los Angeles, when a Vietnamese man attempted to open an emergency exit mid-flight. The man told authorities he believed the door was the bathroom door. Three members of the man’s family were behind him telling him to hurry up.

Thousands of bourbon barrels rolled out of a collapsed warehouse at a distillery in Bardstown, Kentucky.  No one was injured, but a courageous plumber is attempting to reach the angry gorilla rolling barrels from atop the warehouse to halt further damage.

Culinary robotics company Creator is opening a restaurant in San Francisco, and will sell hamburgers made by a robot. The burgers take six minutes, and if you don’t like it the robot will spit WD-40 in it.

After a woman in Walgreens Pharmacy was denied a prescription to end her pregnancy that would result in miscarriage, Walgreens defended their policy to allow pharmacists to deny prescriptions for which they have a ‘moral objection’. Walgreens also said they regret hiring Christian Scientist pharmacists who won’t give any medicine to anyone.

Online auction house GottaHaveRockandRoll.com is auctioning a love letter that Madonna sent to model Amanda Cazalet in 1991. Madonna kissed Cazalet in the video for her song ‘Justify My Love’. When asked if the letter was perfumed, the auction house only said it smelled like it had been rubbed on something.

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TBS host Samantha Bee is facing criticism for calling Ivanka Trump a “feckless c*nt” – while liberals scramble to look up the meaning of “feckless”.

A deadly E.coli outbreak tied to romaine lettuce has passed, and prices for romaine have dropped by more than half while growers are losing millions of dollars. The only lettuce with year-over-year sales growth is butter lettuce, which faces its own backlash from obese dieters over its misleading name.

Brett Bland, a fired car salesman in Texas is suing his former dealership, saying his boss repeatedly pinched his nipples and forced him to breathe ‘soiled air’ after farting in his office with the door closed. Bland is seeking unspecified damages against his former employer, Junior High Locker Room Acura.

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are reportedly returning $9 million worth of wedding gifts. Per royal protocol, they are not allowed to keep any of them, especially not the PlayStation that Harry had squirreled away in the Princecave.

Meghan’s father, Thomas Markle, denied reports that his famous daughter is financially reporting him, although he admitted that the one time he reached out for money, she only had $5 in Deal Or No Deal briefcase.

Discount retailers Dollar General and Dollar Tree both posted disappointing earnings reports to Wall Street. Executives for each of the chains blamed the results on poor people.

Kim Kardashian West met with President Trump at the White House to discuss prison reform, including clemency for Alice Johnson, a non-violent drug offender serving a life sentence. Kardashian did not comment on rumors that the President said “I’ll free your Johnson if you’ll free mine.”

Trump said that the two had a great meeting, most of which he spent staring at the back of Kim’s skirt, or, as he calls it, the Oval Office.

Benje Choucroun, a 13-year-old writer from Time for Kids, asked press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders what the Trump administration was doing to help keep schools safe. Sanders answered the question, as Choucroun arrived back home to see a Tweet calling him a “diaper baby for the failing fake news Time for Kids.”

Andrew Tornetta, a man arrested for allegedly punching a Philadelphia police horse after a playoff game, is suing the police and the Philadelphia Eagles. Tornetta’s lawsuit claims cruel and unusual punishment, citing the 12 hours of community service he completed picking up trash while being force to wear an Eli Manning jersey.

Charlotte Fox, a 61-year-old lifelong mountain climber who survived a blizzard while climbing Mount Everest in the late 90s, died after an apparent fall down her stairs at home. First responders say she was not wearing her safety harness at the time.

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High winds blew a bounce house — and a 9-year-old child inside of it — on to a Southern California highway, where it was struck by a car. “Do you know why I pulled you over?” asked a California Highway Patrolman to the 9-year-old.

The Milwaukee Bucks are reportedly considering hiring San Antonio Spurs assistant Becky Hammon to be the NBA’s first woman head coach.. :

  • All 11 boys on her team are happy they’ll each get a turn to shoot the ball.
  • “Traveling? I LOVE traveling!”
  • Players will arrive 10 minutes early to pregame shootaround so she can ask “is THAT what you’re wearing?”.. and make them change, if necessary.

A mysterious bacterial infection is killing large volumes of coral reefs in the Florida Keys. Scientists aren’t sure how the bacteria got there, but they want to speak to several women seen swimming near the reefs with their bikini bottoms off.

The summit between President Trump and Kim Jong Un will take place on June 12th in Singapore. Trump will take Air Force One; Kim rarely flies, so his staff are working on air travel logistics, starting with getting him upgraded from Boarding Group 6.

North Korea is also detailing plans to dismantle their nuclear test sites – starting with a nationwide plutonium raffle, paired with one final nuclear missile shot straight up in the air that lands back on the test site.

An Iowa man – paroled after an arrest for making methamphetamine in a home where a children’s daycare operated – has been arrested again on meth charges. He explained to officers that he had to get involved in the cooking operation again, because all of his employees left for kindergarten.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders reportedly berated White House Communications staff for leaking staffer Kelly Sadler’s comment that Senator John McCain’s opposition to Gina Haspel as CIA director didn’t matter because “he’s dying anyway.” Then she got mad about the leak about her getting mad about the other leak…and so on, and so on.

Hawaii’s Big Island is bracing for more eruptions from the Kilauea volcano. Island officials are making plans for possible evacuations, and burn treatments for Tony Robbins seminar participants who keep taking barefoot ‘courage walks’ across the lava flows.

Clearwater Beach, Florida was named TripAdvisor’s World’s Best Beach for 2018, edging out such other exotic beaches as The Ones With Far Fewer Dirtbags.

A Florida mother made her son surrender to police after she saw him in surveillance video from a robbery that was captured with a doorbell camera and shared by police. She plans to post bond for her son, but he is soooo grounded.

A dragon float caught fire during the Festival of Fantasy parade at Disney World on Friday. The fire was quickly extinguished, but Huey, Dewey and Louie were questioned by Uncle Donald who wondered what they were doing with rolling papers and a lighter.

Amanda Nunes defeated Raquel Pennington for the bantamweight title in UFC 224’s main event. Nunes and Pennington are the first pair of openly gay women to face each other in a UFC title bout. “Openly” being the operative word here.

 

 

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North Korea’s Kim Jong-Un and South Korea’s Moon Jae-in announced an historic armistice, with both countries agreeing to denuclearize and end their long war. Un commemorated the deal by going home to North Korea and executing a bunch of cabinet members who told him it couldn’t be done.

The newly-reached peace accord was a challenge, but they were able to move the Un and Moon to get it done.

The two Korean leaders and their wives attended a post-summit banquet on Friday where they dined on delicacies from both sides of the border: South Korean barbecue, and North Korean parasites.

Comedian Bill Cosby was convicted on all three sexual-assault-related charges he faced in his retrial. As the guilty verdicts were read, Cosby’s attorney asked that jurors be polled individually, and each replied “hey, hey, hey!” that they had, indeed, voted ‘guilty’.

The arrest of Joseph DeAngelo, alleged to be the ‘Golden State Killer’, was made possible by DNA matching using a genealogy website.  DeAngelo’s court-appointed lawyer reviewed the evidence with him, at which point DeAngelo was stunned to learn he’s 5% Chinese!

The Centers for Disease Control released statistics that autism in schoolchildren increased 15% between 2012 and 2014. “Sad!” said President Trump, blaming the Obama Administration.

Amazon is raising the annual price of Amazon Prime from $99 to $119. The company says the increase is to cover rising costs, after barely squeaking by with a $3 Billion annual profit in 2017.

Amazon detailed some of the cost increases, including shipping costs, programming costs for Prime Video, drone insurance, and crowbars to facilitate Prime subscribers’ packages delivered to their car trunks and inside their homes.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders took questions from the children of reporters on Take Your Child To Work Day, including one from a child asking why FBI Director James Comey was fired. Sanders replied Comey “did some things that weren’t very nice” before revoking the child’s credentials and barring them from snack time.

Singer Janelle Monae announced that she’s pansexual – and if she smokes weed before sex, she’s pot & pansexual.

 

 

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Former head of Wikileaks Julian Assange, currently holed up in the Ecuadoran Embassy in London, said that his Internet connection had been cut off. Ecuador’s Ambassador is expected to unplug his modem, wait a minute, then plug it back in to see what happens.

Bridgestone introduced their new Tiger Woods golf ball. They’re the exact same balls that Tiger uses, minus the herpes.

North Korea’s Kim Jong Un secretly visited China to meet with President Li Xinping, because the last three guys who tried to deliver his Chinese takeout to Pyongyang were shot at the border.

Former Disney Channel star Caroline Sunshine has joined the White House press team. She is expected to give White House pool reporters something else to look at while Sarah Huckabee Sanders is talking.

President Trump nominated White House physician Ronny Jackson to head the Veterans Administration, replacing David Shulkin. A press conference has been called to introduce Jackson, where he is expected to greet reporters, then resign.

Today show host Savannah Guthrie apologized for cursing live on-air. She didn’t realize her mic was live when she said “oh sh*t.” Later on Twitter she wrote “..So sorry guys, Thanks for being kind and understanding. You f*ckers are the best.”

A security gap in gay dating app Grindr is giving its users’ location to more prospective dates than they requested. It’s the first time a dating app plans to charge extra for a security flaw.

Frank S. Page, a Southern Baptist minister and CEO of the Southern Baptist Convention’s Executive Committee, resigned from his post after admitting to a “morally inappropriate” relationship. He declined to mention what the relationship entailed, but his pet goat was not made available for comment.

A new study concludes that single people who had bariatric weight loss surgery found increased rates of marriage and new relationships. However, for married people, extreme weight loss surgery coincided with increased rates of divorce and lost custody of the good snacks.

According to guidelines from the World Health Organization, the average U.S. child’s Easter Basket contains over a month’s worth of sugar, and a year’s worth of middle-aged adult depression from sugar crashes.

A restaurant in Vancouver fired a waiter for being rude to customers. The waiter, Guillaume Rey, filed a discrimination lawsuit, claiming that he’s not rude, he’s just French. A judge ordered Rey to appear in court, and Rey made fun of his order.