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An all-woman crew flew a United Airlines flight from Newark, NJ to Sarasota FL to honor Women’s History Month. The flight arrived in 83-degree Sarasota, slightly cooler than the flight where the crew set the thermostat to 90 degrees.

A United flight lost a tire shortly after takeoff from San Francisco en route to Osaka Japan. It returned, made an emergency landing, and waited three hours for AAA.

Comcast’s President Mike Cavanagh listed his 13,000 square foot mansion in the Philadelphia suburbs for $8.495 million. It has 5 bedrooms, 11 bathrooms, a pool, and living quarters for the guy who fixes his cable tv and internet.

National Guard troops were deployed to New York City to deter rising crime in the subway. Several Guardsmen were working undercover, masturbating with their pants down.

Congress is considering a ban on TikTok unless its Chinese parent company sells it. They’re concerned over China harvesting personal data, and demand that an American company buy it and harvest personal data.

Children are being treated in hospital emergency rooms after eating melatonin gummies – but only after getting the best sleep ever during math class.

Republicans and Democrats alike criticized GOP Rep. Katie Britt’s State of the Union response delivered from her kitchen. They say her tone was uneven, lacked agressiveness, and was interrupted multiple times by her husband asking if dinner was ready yet.

A South Carolina woman is allergic to water and even her own sweat and is rarely able to shower. She’s found a social media group of others with similar conditions, who occasionally have outdoor meetups because no businesses will let them indoors.

Gonorrhea cases in Europe nearly doubled year-to-year, and other STDs like syphilis and chlamydia are also increasing. Health officials blame an overall increase in riskier sexual activity, and French schools teaching Unprotected Sex Education classes.

A daughter posted on Reddit that her Mom is miserable, and wants to buy her a sexual affair as a Mother’s Day gift. After several hours, Reddit was back up & running after crashing due to the wave of replies from Reddit incels.

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The U.S. Army debuted a new ad campaign targeting Generation Z. It’s called  ‘Screw It, We’re Doing Fine Without You’.

Sources say Google is working on a secret program to collect health information from U.S. residents. They say until Google collects the information, the default setting for Americans health is “terrible”.

Google is reportedly planning to give slow-loading websites a “badge of shame” in its Chrome browser, and a lifetime achievement badge of shame to Comcast for throttling every website its internet service handles.

Government documents say Southwest Airlines is flying three dozen jets without certifying they comply with safety standards. Said a Southwest spokesperson “that’s because they don’t.”

Walmart and Target stores are reporting that popular toy ‘The Super Squishy Blob Ball’ is breaking and leaking. They haven’t seen this many swollen leaky balls since a gonorrhea outbreak at the company management retreat.

Pediatricians say children need simple toys, not iPads and electronics. Parents are advised to give their kid the iPad for a couple of hours to find themselves simple toys. [h/t to A.O. for the story]

Rudy Giuliani is reportedly considering hosting a podcast about the Congressional Impeachment proceedings. He’s looking for wealthy Ukrainian thugs with experience setting up a podcast studio.

Budweiser maker Anheuser-Busch InBev is in talks to buy the Kona Brewing Company. Budweiser plans to expand the Kona lineup with a new brew, just as soon as they learn  the correct Hawaiian word for ‘piss’.

South Carolina officials shut down Dominion Energy’s V.C. Summer nuclear reactor after a leak was discovered. Asked who discovered the leak, Dominion Energy said it’s a guy who’s going to be out of work for a while.

Disney+ is experiencing “unable to connect” errors on launch day. However for extra money, you can buy a Fast Pass to actually bypass the bottleneck and watch what you originally paid for.

 

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President Trump promised the Republican Party will be ‘the party of health care’, after spending the last two years making everyone sick.

A South Carolina woman was arrested after a pack of dogs escaped from her home and attacked a 76-year-old woman attending a funeral. The woman survived, and the dogs did not bring flowers.

Media companies filed a motion to release massage parlor videos of Robert Kraft as public records. Companies include Florida newspapers, The New York Times and ESPN. Absent from the list – Pornhub – saying “none of our members want to see that.”

Boeing held a test of the updated software deployed to improve safety of its 737 MAX aircraft. The aircraft with updated software performed well. Boeing mourned the loss of the crew assigned to demo the ‘before’ plane without the software upgrade.

Viral video circulated of mice running around in the food court of the King of Prussia Mall in the Philadelphia suburbs. Health inspectors didn’t know which restaurant the mice came from, but since they addressed diners as ‘Sir’ and ‘Ma’am’, they concluded it was Chick-fil-A.

Justin Bieber said he’s taking a break from making music because of some ‘deep rooted issues’. No specifics were given, but it’s believed to be deeply rooted in the fact that he doesn’t have any songs, and his fan base of 12-year-olds grew up & left him.

6,227 pedestrians died in traffic accidents in 2018, the highest number in 30 years. Police blame distracted drivers. Drivers blame pedestrians that need to hurry the hell up.

Disneyland officials say they plan to control crowds at the new Star Wars land when it opens on May 31 by not allowing anyone in without a reservation. “These people have a reservation” says an Obi Wan Kenobi lookalike, who’s been bribed, to a ticket-taker.

A New Jersey man plead guilty to defrauding the U.S. Postal Service out of $1.5 million in postage. His mother is angry that, even with all those free stamps, he couldn’t send Christmas or birthday cards.

Iceland based discount airline WOW Air ceased operations, stranding passengers across the globe. Spirit Airlines offered discounted fares to help passengers get home, so long as they didn’t mind riding with livestock. In coach.

 

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Scientists discovered a fossilized ancient sea creature and named it Obamus coranatus in honor of President Barack Obama. The tiny disc-shaped animal was a half-inch long, lived on the ocean floor, likely never moved on its own, but still had affordable health insurance.

A man with a face tattoo of a handgun has been charged in South Carolina with illegal possession of a firearm. He was released on bond and ordered to surrender his forehead.

  • “Does your face hurt?” asked the presiding judge, adding “because it’s killing innocent people..”

On E! show ‘Total Bellas’ WWE star Nikki Bella reveals that her one-time fiance John Cena has agreed to undergo a reverse vasectomy with the goal of getting her pregnant. Doctors say the procedure will take longer than usual, since Cena’s sperm need to be woken up after years wearing super-snug wrestling trunks.

President Trump gave a speech to the National Federation of Independent Business, then hugged the American flag as he walked off stage. Barron Trump then wrapped himself in a flag and waited for his dad to get home, but got nothing.

Protesters angry over immigrant children being separated from their families at the U.S. southern border shouted “shame” at Homeland Security Director Kirstjen Nielsen as she dined at a Mexican restaurant in Washington, D.C.  Nielsen then separated herself from her chair and deported herself to the rest room without finishing her chimichangas.

A new NBC News report says that the cost of temporary housing for separated children of detained illegal immigrants is $775 per person per night.  After seeing the story, President Trump had all the kids bused to the nearest Trump Hotel and charged them $750/night.

Ivanka Trump reportedly met with her father to discuss ending the separation of children – so the President sent Air Force One to bring Ivanka’s three kids home from summer camp.

An Arkansas man was arrested after attempting to pay for his restaurant meal with a credit card that was stolen from his waitress two days earlier. The waitress said it killed her to have him arrested because he left a 25% tip.

Amazon is opening up its clothing try-on service, Prime Wardrobe, to all Prime subscribers. The service lets you choose three to eight items to be shipped to your home, with a week to try them on and decide what to keep. Amazon also sends two-sizes-larger items to subscribers if they watch more than 40 hours of Prime Video each week.

Burger King Russia is apologizing for a promotion offering lifelong free Whoppers and $47,000 to women impregnated by World Cup soccer players. The program ended after a female Russian lawmaker complained, and after Russian Burger Kings were overrun with women urinating on pregnancy tests in the dining room.

  • “I’m disappointed the pregnancy promotion is over, it seemed like a good idea” said Russian Maury Povich.

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A new clinical study claims that the Apple Watch can detect diabetes with 85% accuracy, great news for affluent, morbidly obese douchebags.

The City of Philadelphia is closing schools on Thursday to coincide with the Super Bowl Champion Eagles victory parade, as thousands of students line the streets to congratulate the Eagles, and thousands of dropouts line the halls of empty schools to loot them.

Since it snowed in Philadelphia on Wednesday and will continue to stay cold through Thursday, Santa Claus cancelled his appearance in the Eagles parade for his own safety.

Kylie Jenner announced ‘Stormi’ as the name of her newborn daughter, edging out ‘Buy My Baby’s Name.’

Sony announced an update to Playstation 4 software that allows parents to control how much time their children spend playing video games. The update also includes self-defense videos that parents can view to prepare for when their children use up their gaming time and throw controllers at them.

Wynn Resorts CEO and Founder Steve Wynn resigned amid claims of sexual misconduct at his company. Wynn says that he looks forward to pursuing sexual misconduct as a private citizen.

A former Connecticut high school principal and one-time ‘teacher of the year’ was sentenced to two years in prison for taking upskirt videos of young girls at Walmart, Five Below and Disney World. Prior to sentencing, the judge asked why he didn’t just order girls to the principal’s office.

New England Patriots Offensive Coordinator Josh McDaniels backed out of an agreement to become Head Coach of the Indianapolis Colts. It’s rumored that McDaniels may have agreed to someday succeed Bill Belichick as Patriots Head Coach, or that he spent the day after the Super Bowl looking for something fun to do in Indianapolis.

Charlotte Veitner, University of Connecticut women’s field hockey all-time leading scorer, was arrested for shoplifting makeup from the campus bookstore. She was questioned by security as to why a women’s field hockey player would need makeup.

A woman in South Carolina was found outside a church holding her eyeball after intentionally hurting herself. She was subdued by sheriff’s deputies and EMTs, hospitalized, and will star in the movie being made from your Dad’s dirty joke book.

 

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A new study from the University of Missouri finds that spanking children does not change their behavior. It does, however, change parent’s behavior — making them big fans of spanking.

A group of men having a bachelor party, stranded on a sandbar off the South Carolina coast, was rescued by the Coast Guard. However the Coast Guard has suspended the ocean search for a seriously sunburned stripper.

A Japanese bar is using macaque monkeys as waiters & waitresses to entertain tourists. The monkeys bring food and drinks to the table, then grossed-out patrons summon a human to take it all back.

The Secret Service states that they’ve depleted their budget due to the expense of protecting President Trump’s large family and accompanying him on golf trips. That, and Eric Trump is making them pay for their own greens fees, carts and meals.

Major League Baseball umpires are donning white wristbands to protest verbal abuse by players, and what they claim is the Commissioner’s weak discipline of offending players. The umps may have to change from white to a different color, since many of them are mistaking the wristbands for the ball and calling them strikes.

Elon Musk has called for a ban on autonomous killer robots – which he calls a bigger potential threat to humanity than nuclear weapons. He made the statement during a keynote address to an annual meeting of autonomous non-killer robots building Tesla cars and SpaceX rockets.

NASA released a photo of the International Space Station crossing the path of the solar eclipse. NASA thanked the ISS Crew, then rushed a launch sending a new crew, since all of the astronauts on the Station were blinded while taking pictures.

Google introduced its new Android operating system, Oreo. Google begs everyone to remember that this is just named after a cookie, not anything racist.

Maine’s Republican Governor Paul LePage said that removing Confederate statues is like taking down 9/11 memorials. Maine has neither, so the Governor commissioned a sculpture of Robert E Lee crashing a giant bird into George Washington’s boat as he crossed the Delaware.

In 2020, Volkswagen will introduce a fully-electric version of its iconic 1960s/70s Minibus, a favorite of road-tripping hippies during the era, who spawned the phrase “ass, gas or grass – nobody rides for free.” The new vehicle slogan is “hugs, drugs or electric plugs – nobody rides for free.”