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Amazon is reportedly interested in acquiring Boost Mobile, in an effort to expand its relationships to more people with lousy credit.

A university study from Italy finds Twitter usage not only limits intellectual attainment, it undermines it. Their findings are being held up while they determine how to thread them in 280-character segments.

Kim Jong Un reportedly executed five government officials as punishment for a failed summit with Donald Trump, and is having a hell of a time getting someone to plan his kid’s birthday party.

Uber is investigating cases of “vomit fraud”, where drivers charge an extra $80-150 cleaning fee when vomiting never happened, or where passengers claim the dog riding with them took care of it.

A senior official for Nepal’s tourism department said they’re considering changes to limit crowding on Mount Everest, including requiring climbing experience, and letting climbers wait their turn at a new Starbucks.

Cher tweeted Donald Trump should be sexually assaulted in prison. Meanwhile, white-collar prisoners said they’d probably leave a 70-year-old alone, unless they got paid $130,000 to deny it happened.

Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge opened at Disneyland. Tragedy struck as two womp rats bullseyed by a T-16 Skyhopper turned out to be Chip & Dale, killing them both.

Tinder launched a new feature, Super Boost, which, for added fees, puts premium users in front of a list of profiles shown to possible matches for a half-hour. If that doesn’t work, there’s Super Duper Boost, which is a prostitute.

Slipknot singer Corey Taylor “blew out” his left testicle while practicing high notes. His right testicle was blown out by a VIP ticket holder after the show.

A blind autistic boy wowed the judges of America’s Got Talent with a moving piano/vocal performance, leading parents to go ahead and get their kids piano lessons and vaccines.

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The partial Government shutdown cost the U.S. economy $3 billion. The only other organization where it costs that much for 800,000 people to not work for a month is Walmart.

Former Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz announced on ’60 Minutes’ that he’s “seriously considering” a run for President. Starbucks baristas are already writing on cups: ‘Harold Schwartz 2020!’

Fox Television aired a pre-recorded version of ‘Rent’ for its ‘Rent Live!’ telecast Sunday night, after lead actor Brennin Hunt – who played Roger – was injured in dress rehearsal. It was either air the recording, or do the show live and have Roger say he got AIDS from a sprained ankle.

New research finds that participation in youth sports results in stronger bones for teens and young adults. The findings were confirmed by an independent panel of bullies who all agreed it’s easier to break the bones of kids who aren’t athletes.

American and Taliban officials have reportedly agreed to a framework of a deal which could lead to a pullout of U.S. troops in exchange for the Taliban leaving areas of Afghanistan. The Taliban says they’ll sign it as soon as they figure out who to decapitate to get the blood for the signature.

‘Teen Mom’ star Kailyn Lowry fired back at critics after she admitted to not vaccinating two of her three children. Lowry said she knows what’s best for her children, except for how to prevent having them while a teenager.

A student in Belgium died after reheating and eating spaghetti that had been left at room temperature for five days. A post-mortem exam revealed he died of bacterial poisoning from B. cereus — as in, “you can’t B cereus eating five-day old spaghetti.”

Glenn Close won a SAG Award for Best Actress in ‘The Wife’ — and also for her breasts.

President Trump is ‘..pissed off’ at former White House staffer Cliff Sims upcoming tell-all book ‘Team of Vipers’. Trump reportedly asks “who is this guy?”, calling Sims “the videographer” since he helped with weekly video messages. Staffers are asking Trump to ignore it, including Mike Pence. “Pence? Who is this guy?” Trump said.

A Business Insider poll states that one in three iPhone owners aren’t upgrading because of high prices and a lack of new features. “Hey, I have a family to feed!” said a worried 10-year-old on an iPhone assembly line.

 

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Grovetown, Georgia is requiring registered sex offenders in the area to report to a municipal facility on Halloween night for ‘childrens’ safety’. However, trick-or-treaters are appealing for leniency, once they found out the offenders were planning to hand out full-size KitKat bars.

More suspicious explosive packages have been identified, delivered to Vice President Joe Biden and actor Robert Deniro. Deniro notified police when he received an email from UPS reading “your shipment of pipe bomb has been delivered!”

Following her now-infamous Halloween-costume blackface comments Tuesday on the Today show, Megyn Kelly opened Wednesday’s show saying “I want to open with two words: I’m sorry.” Kelly’s time slot aired a rerun on Thursday. Her Friday segment will start with “I want to open with two words: I’m fired.”

A caravan of migrants fleeing Central America for the United States has grown to approximately 10,000. Or, as Sean Spicer called it, two million.

President Trump denied using a personal iPhone that can be bugged by Russian and Chinese spies. This, as Chief of Staff John Kelly translated iMessages received in Russian and Chinese reading “speak up.”

Duchess Meghan Markle was photographed at an event in Tonga wearing a red dress with a tag hanging off of the hem. She had just arrived there from Australia, where she dedicated the grand opening of Brisbane’s newest TJ Maxx.

Google released ‘Night Sight’ mode for its Pixel smartphones, a low-light camera setting that its makers claim will save you from ever having to use the flash again. “It really is terrific!” say Peeping Toms looking at their latest Pixel snaps.

Starbucks opened a first-of-its-kind location in Washington, DC, where every employee is fluent in American Sign Language — providing a long-awaited opportunity for pretentious deaf douchebags to sign a 90-second order and still see the wrong name written on their cup.

The FDA approved Genentech’s Xofluza, a new oral medication for treatment of the flu. It’s to be taken within 48 hours of showing symptoms, or not taken at all if you’d rather just miss a full week of work.

Jamie Lee Curtis said that she was paid just $8,000 for her role in the original ‘Halloween’. Worse, the guy who played Michael Myers just got to keep his wardrobe and the knives.

 

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Starbucks pledged to eliminate plastic straws globally by 2020. Customers will be able to choose non-plastic straws, ‘strawless lids’, or having the barista just pour your drink down the front of your shirt and lap.

President Trump will name his newest nominee to the Supreme Court Monday night, at a televised press conference that is almost guaranteed to boost TV ratings for Monday Night Baseball.

A 55-year-old Florida man was arrested at a Chili’s restaurant in Vacaville, California for purposely exposing himself while seated at the bar. As he was led away in handcuffs, the man told officers “Chili’s in California are different than Florida.”

A missing 5-month-old infant was found buried alive under a pile of sticks in the Montana mountains. Police arrested the boyfriend of the baby’s mother for criminal endangerment, and also issued a court appearance citation to the beavers who own & operate Montana Mountain Child Care.

Justin Bieber is engaged to Hailey Baldwin. The couple confirmed the news on Instagram, will issue invitations on Instagram, marry on Instagram, and honeymoon on Instagram…but will probably be divorced in a Snap.

Tom Brady posted backyard video with his young son, showing his son attempting to catch him as he evades the son’s “pass rush” as the elder Brady wears a full helmet and pads. His son then hugs him, at which point Tom Brady yells at an off-camera official to call a late hit.

Costco is eliminating the Polish hot dog from its food court menu, causing customer outrage. A spokesman said the item created confusion with some of Costco’s dumber customers, who misread the sign and were arrested for indecency while polishing their hot dog.

Asian inventors released a video showing ‘Amphibio’, a large white mask for humans that they claim acts like a gill – allowing for underwater breathing, and for looking even more like an idiot when you drown .

Kim Kardashian visited a California women’s prison on Friday, meeting with 15 inmates to find out about their daily lives and their plans once they’re released.  Kardashian left with 14 marriage proposals, and 1 offer to smuggle in six kilos of heroin in her buttocks on her next visit.

Movie star heartthrob of the fifties and sixties Tab Hunter has died at age 86. No funeral arrangements have been announced, but the hope is that other actors will act as pallbearers to help pick up the Tab.

 

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Online influence calculator Klout is closing down at the end of May, after they calculated the most effective positive online influencing tactic was never mentioning Klout.

Starbucks Chairman Howard Schultz announced a new policy – anyone is welcome to use Starbucks bathrooms. whether they’re a paying customer or not. Schultz added “well, you can go in them, whether you can stand to use them is up to you.”

The open-bathroom policy at Starbucks was lauded by skeevy heroin addicts who are concerned that they’re not getting the privacy they need at public libraries.

The cast of The Love Boat reunited on The Today Show. They all spoke lovingly of the show, but collectively said their biggest regret was failing to get Charo together with Horshack from Welcome Back Cotter.

A bear in Rockaway Township, New Jersey broke into the SUV of a bakery owner, smashing the window and eating two dozen cupcakes that were left inside. Worse, the bear then left a two-star Yelp review of the bakery, saying the icing was too gritty.

A naked man was arrested at Daytona Beach airport for making a bomb threat. He was apprehended by TSA agents who told him multiple times that he only needed to remove his shoes and belt.

Liam is the most popular name given to newborn boys in the U.S. in 2017, according to the Social Security Administration – the least popular being Donald, Jr.

White House Chief of Staff John Kelly told NPR that the Russia investigation of Special Counsel Robert Mueller causes President Trump to be embarrassed in meetings with other world leaders.  Not his hair, not his vocabulary, not his alleged cheating with porn stars, not shady business dealings…just Russia.

Town & Country magazine withdrew an invitation to Monica Lewinsky to attend an event on ‘social change’ when they found out President Bill Clinton planned to be there. Lewinsky criticized their poor etiquette, and Town & Country apologized, saying they should have known Lewinsky would want to be there when Clinton came.

The U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics released a list of the most “disproportionately popular jobs” in 40 major U.S. cities. In New York, fashion designers are highly concentrated; in Los Angeles, makeup artists.  Cities in Mississippi and Alabama weren’t listed since they don’t know what ‘disproportionately’ means.

White House adviser Jared Kushner and GOP Senator John Cornyn are touring a federal penitentiary outside of Dallas as part of a campaign for prison reform, and for Jared to interview roommates.

 

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Fitbit added menstrual cycle tracking to its devices, which means they’ll wait and tell women how many steps they’ve taken once they’re in a better mood.

A filmmaker was killed by a giraffe while working on a project in South Africa. After a tense standoff, the giraffe dropped its AR-15 and surrendered to authorities.

Special counsel Robert Mueller reportedly rejected a request by President Trump’s legal team to answer his questions in the Russia investigation ‘in writing’. Mueller ruled out the take-home test after finding out Trump lawyer Rudy Giuliani had purchased a Teachers Edition of “Intro to Treason” on eBay.

First Lady Melania Trump introduced her new program for children’s health, ‘Be Best’. The platform has a three-fold focus: healthy living; positive use of social media; and combating opioid abuse. President Trump attended the press conference while eating Big Macs, tweeting insults at Robert Mueller and hitting up Ronny Jackson for some Oxy.

Melania has been accused of copying Michelle Obama in crafting ‘Be Best’, including modifying Obama’s ‘Be Better’ message and issuing a pamphlet about online behavior that was copied from the Obama-era FTC. Melania denied the allegations while wearing blackface, a black wig and an affordable J Crew dress.

A California judge upheld a ruling that coffee sold in the state must carry a cancer warning. Starbucks scrambled to add “Consuming this beverage may increase risk of venti half-caf soy double-shot no-whip cappucinonoma.”

Executives from Google, Amazon & Facebook visit Washington on Thursday to discuss the future of artificial intelligence — with White House staff who represent the present state of no human intelligence.

Flight attendants speaking with publication Who What Wear shared what men and women should wear when flying to increase their chance of a first class upgrade: “anything but Crocs.”

The IAAF, governing body for track & field, may rule that South African woman sprinter Caster Semenya may be barred from competing due to her high levels of naturally-occurring testosterone, and because her balls keep snagging on the high hurdles.

A crocodile tore off the arm of a bride-to-be as she kayaked with her fiance eight days before her wedding in Zimbabwe. She was rescued, the wedding took place on schedule, and the bride tossed her arm to single women gathered at the reception, hoping they’d catch it and be next to marry.

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The Smithsonian Institution introduced its newest guide, a 4-foot-tall robot named Pepper. “So, who else besides me is already bored?” said Pepper before being replaced by an older robot that appreciates history.

Stormy Daniels filed a defamation lawsuit against President Trump, because why not, when a person who takes money for having sex sincerely believes her character was damaged by the guy paying for it.

Unnamed White House staffers told NBC News that White House Chief of Staff John Kelly referred to President Trump on several occasions as “an idiot”. This has upset the Secret Service, who are concerned about Kelly randomly using their code word for the President.

ESPN is rumored to be offering Dallas Cowboys tight end Jason Witten $4 million to become the new lead analyst on Monday Night Football – this, in addition to the money they allegedly paid Jon Gruden to shut up and leave.

Former Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore filed a complaint claiming that he was the target of a political conspiracy by women alleging to be victims of sexual assault by Moore. Moore asserts that the women caused him to lose his election for Alabama senator, and got him banned for life from Chuck E. Cheese.

African-American activists have convinced Starbucks to bar anti-Semitism group Anti-Defamation League from Starbucks upcoming anti-bias training session. Starbucks said they’ve scheduled a second, Jewish customer anti-bias training, for Yom Kippur.

Kim Jong Un is reportedly considering meeting President Trump at the Korean DMZ – although insiders assume they both mistakenly think they’re meeting at TMZ.

Jennifer Garner tweeted a photo of a note reading “I love farts” written by her 6-year-old son Samuel — and optioned by Sony Pictures for an upcoming film directed by his father, Ben Affleck.

A 12-year-old boy returned to school, after being trapped underwater for 8 minutes at a North Carolina resort’s ‘lazy river’.  Operators of the resort said if the kid warescued faster, he should have gotten stuck under the ‘ambitious river’.

OnePoll surveyed 2,000 U.S. workers and compiled a list of the 10 most ‘cringeworthy’ office phrases, topped by “Give it 110%” and “think outside the box”. Surprisingly absent from the list?.. “we’re eliminating your position”.

Avengers – Infinity War actress Elisabeth Olsen said that if she could change her Scarlet Witch costume, she wouldn’t reveal so much cleavage; adding that she would have hidden one of the Infinity Stones in between her breasts, but Thanos could easily see it was there.

 

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Michael Cohen, in a hearing regarding documents seized by the FBI, revealed that Fox News anchor Sean Hannity was also a client in addition to Donald Trump.  The ‘witch hunt’ is now a ‘which hunt’ – as in, ‘which’ is the bigger scumbag client of Michael Cohen?

Desiree Linden became the first American woman to win the Boston Marathon since 1985, after six Kenyan and Ethiopian women runners froze to death.

Domino’s announced that they’re creating hotspots so that people can have pizza delivered to outdoor locations like the beach. They came up with the idea when they noticed not very many people were getting sick to their stomachs at the beach.

Former FBI Director James Comey said that Donald Trump is “morally unfit to be President.” Adding to “physically”, “mentally”, “emotionally”, “strategically” and, of course, “totally”.

The New York Times and The New Yorker shared a Pulitzer prize for public service for their reporting on Harvey Weinstein and sexual harassment in Hollywood. The winning writers exchanged polite handshakes and nobody even thought about hugging each other.

Sun Country Airlines stranded passengers in Mexico, cancelling their return flights to Minnesota. The airline is seasonal, so cancelled flights were the last ones and Sun Country refused to send other aircraft. Luckily, a benevolent Mexican stranger offered to fly stranded passengers back to the states after they each swallowed several condoms.

Starbucks CEO Kevin Armstrong said employees will undergo ‘unconscious bias’ training following the Philadelphia incident where police were called to remove two black men from the shop. The training will also prevent baristas from putting six Splenda packets in black customers’ coffees without their asking.

James Comey continued a string of tv appearances Tuesday on ABC’s Good Morning America for a follow-up conversation with George Stephanopoulos. But he had to cut it short to get to his new gig on Live! With Kelly and Comey.

Brett Favre reportedly auditioned to replace departed Jon Gruden as color announcer on Monday Night Football, but was removed from consideration for repeatedly using his penis as the quarterback on the telestrator.

Pro wrestlers Nikki Bella and John Cena have ended their engagement. Insiders claim that Cena was balking over going through with their May wedding, leading Bella to tag out. The couple requests privacy until they can explain what happened at the next Wrestlemania.

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Toy executive Isaac Larian donated $200 million to a GoFundMe that seeks to raise $1 Billion to rescue Toys R Us. Larian expects that the remaining $800 million can be raised from angry toddlers stealing credit card information.

Starbucks introduced the Crystal Ball Frappuccino – so named because you order it, and try to predict which name that isn’t yours will be written on the cup.

Deceased Austin serial bomber Mark Anthony Conditt left behind a 25-minute confession video on his cellphone. At the time of his death, it was 20% uploaded to YouTube and is still buffering.

Macaulay Culkin appeared on the “Anna Faris Is Unqualified” podcast and discussed, among other things, losing his virginity. When Michael Jackson’s name didn’t come up, everyone shut it off.

San Francisco became the first major U.S. city to ban the sale of animal fur, effective January 1st, 2019.  Airbnb has been inundated with requests for cabin rentals in Tahoe to chinchillas looking to lay low for the rest of the year.

A new club in Midtown Manhattan, ‘Nap York’, offers space for a 30-minute nap for $10. Or, for those napping with a friend, it’s $250.

Just a week after the store he founded announced it’s going out of business, Toys R Us founder Charles Lazarus died at age 94, and is also out of business.

White House Advisor Kellyanne Conway, speaking at a White House conference on millennials, said regarding lethal opioid fentanyl: “eat the ice cream, have the french fry. Don’t buy the street drug. Believe me, it all works out.” Conway then cued up ‘Turkey In The Straw’ before piloting her government-funded ice cream truck to a methadone clinic.

Disney’s stage adaptation of Frozen opened on Broadway, to slushy reviews.

President Trump is threatening to veto the House-approved spending bill over lack of a DACA fix and border wall funding. Both are needed to give raises and job security to entice the illegal immigrant stonemasons from their jobs on Trump Resorts to laying bricks on the Mexico border.

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Cinemark Theaters announced they’re banning large bags in their movie theaters to enhance ‘safety and security’. They advised patrons to bring pistols instead of rifles to shoot at the screen during ‘Fifty Shades Freed’.

The USA Women’s ice hockey team won the Olympic Gold Medal, defeating Canada 3-2 in a shootout – to the delight of NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre, who said it’s about time Americans saw the positive side of shootouts.

President Trump met with families of the victims of gun violence at the White House. He could be seen clutching a list of questions and talking points, the last of which read “I hear you”. The back of the list was a single note “turn paper over”.

Survivors of the Parkland school shooting are being criticized by conspiracy theorists as “crisis actors”.  Hearing the term ‘crisis actor’, Nicolas Cage instructed his agent to see how much the job pays.

A Michigan family said the dining room tv in a Burger King showed a graphic sex scene. Customer Richard Avery was there with his two sons, ages 7 and 8, when the tv showed a scene of a man fondling a woman’s breast and thrusting against her, as the woman said “you’re a nasty horndog”. Burger King said the incident doesn’t reflect their brand, and they’ve scrapped plans to add the Nasty Horndog to their menu.

QSR Magazine ranked the food and beverage chains with the fastest drive-thru service. Starbucks ranked next-to-last at 4 1/2 minutes and Hardee’s/Carl’s Jr was at the bottom at nearly five minutes.  Starbucks defended their time, saying it takes douchebags an average of four minutes to order; Carl’s Jr/Hardees attributed their slowness to customers’ diabetic blackouts behind the wheel.

Gal Gadot will be a presenter at the Academy Awards, and will also lasso the winner of Best Original Screenplay to see if they really wrote it themselves.

President Trump suggested that arming teachers and training them to use guns might be a good idea. Several startup companies are rumored to be working on bright orange bulletproof hall passes.

67-year-old actress Jane Seymour posed for Playboy magazine, it’s their first centerfold that comes with a warning label.

CNN held a Town Hall Meeting to discuss gun violence at an arena in Sunrise, Florida. No injuries were reported at the meeting, but several people were rescued after driving in to sinkholes in the parking lot.