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Big Lots is closing 40 stores. They’re transferring inventory to other Big Lots stores which are now Bigger Lots.

Sea lions chased people off of a beach near San Diego. Wildlife experts claim it’s because the sea lions want a place to mate. So the male & female sea lions asked all of the good-looking beachgoers to stick around.

Snoop Dogg will carry the Olympic torch in Paris, but the trail behind him will smell more like Amsterdam.

After an embarrassing performance of the National Anthem at baseball’s All-Star Game, singer Ingrid Andress said she was drunk and was checking in to rehab. Even more embarrassing, she asked when she could see Lebron James play there.

A one-pound bluefish dropped from the sky and broke the windshield of a parked Tesla in New Jersey. The subsequent insurance claim was voted Most Likely To Be Turned Down By The General.

New Jersey Senator Robert Menendez said he’ll resign after being found guilty of corruption, but added it’s not, like, the worst thing a Menendez ever did.

U.S. Secret Service Director Kimberly Cheatle resigned following criticism of their protection of Donald Trump. In the meantime, the Secret Service will provide Trump with a large bulletproof hamster ball for upcoming public appearances.

Following his decision not to seek reelection, President Joe Biden will address the nation from the Oval Office tonight, just as soon as the crew from Allied Van Lines finishes packing up the room.

A 47-year-old fifth grade teacher from Horsham, Pennsylvania was arrested after being accused of masturbating in two different public places. Counselors were made available to students after what they described as “the worst health class ever”.

Britain’s Prince William was officially named Patron of the U.K. Football Association, the entity controlling all of the nation’s pro, youth & disabled teams. Like American counterparts, his first act was to declare he needs a new stadium that the public pays for.

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Apple announced they’re ending development on an autonomous self-driving electric car, which is devastating news to the 13 & Under Division of the United Chinese Auto Workers Association.

AT&T promised to refund $5 for their massive cellular outage last week. Their AT&T customers will see a bill credit; Boost Mobile customers on AT&T’s network asked if they can get the five bucks in their CashApp.

Donald Trump is trying to post a $100 million bond to appeal his $450 million financial fraud judgment, instead of the full judgment amount required by New York law. He said he has the other $350 million, but the banks in Moscow are closed.

Google CEO Sundar Pichai called its Gemini AI blunder – which depicted Asians & Blacks as World War II-era Nazis – “unacceptable”. “Yeah! What HE said!” replied American Nazis.

Saudi Arabia’s Public Investment Fund will sponsor the Men’s ATP Tennis Tour. They wanted to sponsor the Women’s Tour, but players felt they’d trip on the ankle-length skirts.

Mitch McConnell will step down from his role as GOP Leader in the U.S. Senate, in a prepared announcement made by the sign language interpreter, then by McConnell himself a minute later when the words finally traveled from his brain to his mouth.

Monica Lewinsky made her fashion debut in a campaign for L.A.-based work apparel brand Reformation, with one photo captioned ‘Monica F*cking Lewinsky’. Historians are debating whether the f should be an s. R

‘The Sopranos‘ actress Drea De Matteo said joining OnlyFans saved her house from foreclosure and paid off her mortgage “in five minutes” at a time when she had only $10 to her name. Meanwhile, OnlyFans posthumous nudes of Paulie Walnuts haven’t been a real moneymaker.

Actress Busy Philipps said of her role in infamous Wayans Brothers film ‘White Chicks‘ that she was embarrassed at first….and second…and third…and now.

Hip-hop superstar Travis Scott’s Brentwood, California mansion is now resting on a massive hillside crack. He’s concerned, but as his romance with Kylie Jenner would show, he’s also a fan of massive cracks.

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Heavy metal contamination of applesauce pouches that led to an FDA recall may have been deliberate. Although workers at the applesauce factory thought something completely different when a worker threatened to give people a belly full of lead.

Parents of students at Norristown High School in suburban Philadelphia are concerned about frequent fistfights at the school. Gym teachers say kids prefer doing that in class to jumping jacks & push-ups.

Guy Fieri said he won’t leave any of his money to his two sons unless they each get two degrees – presumably a bachelor’s and a postgraduate. He quickly added that Master’s degrees from Flavortown University don’t count.

Actor Jonathan Majors was found guilty of misdemeanor assault & harassment for attacking his ex-girlfriend, and was immediately dropped as Kang The Conqueror by Marvel Studios. The court failed to accept Majors defense that his girlfriend was wearing a Captain Marvel costume.

Kelly Clarkson showed off her 50-pound weight loss in a snug top & skirt on her talk show, before singing her hit song ‘Since U Been Gone‘ to a hot fudge sundae.

A U.S. Senate report says U.S. terror watchlists are “too broad” and may violate travelers rights. “You’re telling me” said an Iraqi-American dad who’s failed six times trying to fly his family to Disney World.

A dress worn by Princess Diana sold for a record $1.14 million. Meghan Markle immediately sent Prince Harry back to London to see what else his mother might have left laying around.

NASA used a laser to transmit a cat video 19 million miles to Earth. Hearing the good news, astronauts aboard the International Space Station are taking turns using the laser to transmit their boob & dick pics to Earthbound loved ones.

Disney’s Animal Kingdom in Florida welcomed the first African elephant baby born in the park in 7 years. A GoFundMe was started for the baby elephant so it could afford to eat at Disney.

A volcano erupted in Iceland, sending molten rock 300 feet into the air. “Nope” said Santa Claus, crossing Reykjavik off his travel itinerary.

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A New York City Housing Authority official was caught on video having sex with an unidentified woman during a Housing Authority Zoom meeting. The official was suspended; the woman had her rent waived for the month.

Rapper T.I. – who’s now performing stand-up comedy – was booed off the stage at the April Fools Comedy Jam at Brooklyn’s Barclays Center, just days after he ripped the wig off fellow comedian Lauren Knight during an argument at an open mic in Atlanta. Comedy club owners around the country consider T.I. “ready to headline”.

The Biden Administration and the Department of Justice are expected to crack down on untraceable, home-assembled firearms called ‘ghost guns’. Or, as referred to by lead DOJ Attorney Shaggy: “g-g-g-g-g -GHOST GUNS!!”

Donald Trump endorsed former tv quack Dr. Mehmet Oz for the Republican nomination for a U.S. Senate seat in Pennsylvania. In turn, Oz looked at Trump’s physique and endorsed him for Mr. Universe.

Rapper Goonew – killed in a recent robbery – was memorialized at a D.C. nightclub with his embalmed corpse standing and leaning against a wall overlooking the dance floor. Mourners said he didn’t exactly look Goo-as-new.

Apple began manufacturing iPhone 13 in India – with students looking for activities during Spring Break.

Tish Cyrus filed for divorce from husband Billy Ray Cyrus. This is the third time their emotional achy has caused one of them to file for marital breaky.

Khloe Kardashian threw a huge, cat-themed 4th birthday party for her daughter, True. Baby daddy Tristan Thompson was interested in attending, since he heard that there was pussy everywhere.

Neurotic persons – those who encounter stress and behave with anger, self-consciousness & anxiety – are more likely to develop cognitive impairments later in life. On the bright side, that means they’ll forget how stressed-out and anxious they are.

Police arrested a Chicago-area man for burying his mother & sister in plastic containers in the backyard and cashing their Social Security checks. The man was jailed, and is no longer a Tupperware salesperson.

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McDonald’s shut down restaurants in Russia, citing the “needless human suffering” of people eating at McDonald’s in Russia.

A new study links concussions in young people to ongoing mental health issues – proving that parents really are slapping their kids silly.

Charles Entenmann, founder of Entenmanns Bakery, died at age 92. He’ll either be cremated, or baked at 350 degrees until a toothpick comes out clean.

Memphis police say a man disguised himself as a Walmart employee and loaded stolen TVs into accomplice’s vehicles. A store manager knew something was wrong when he saw what appeared to be a Walmart employee actually assisting a customer.

As deaths from COVID approach 1 million in the U.S., some are advocating for a COVID Memorial Day. It would be like the other Memorial Day, but honoring mostly dopes who were scared of needles.

Kohl’s is adding Sephora mini-shops to 75% of its stores, but management warned investors to be patient, saying Sephora can only sell makeup to Kohl’s shopper-moms, not miracles.

North Korea’s Kim Jong Un warned of “grave consequences” after senior officials were fired for failing to enforce the nation’s strict COVID prevention guidelines. The officials said they couldn’t handle the surge in COVID-positive residents because they ran out of bullets.

A former Texas “Teacher Of The Year” – fired for showing students a picture of her female fiance – settled a lawsuit with her former school district for $100,000. The kids each received $10,000 because the fiance isn’t very cute.

The U.S. Senate passed a bill overhauling the United States Postal Service – which was then delivered by a Post Office letter carrier to the Lincoln Memorial instead of the House of Representatives.

Uber Eats announced new ‘Group Ordering’ and ‘Bill Splitting’ features, allowing multiple people to stiff the driver on their tip.

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Senate Democrats failed to advance voting rights legislation, losing 52-48, with black Democratic senators having to show their driver’s license and a second form of ID.

A West Virginia tv reporter was struck by a car during a live news segment about a water main break. The woman driving the car stopped to apologize, then went further up the block to score her meth.

Jury selection began in the trial of three Minneapolis police officers who stood by as fellow officer Derek Chauvin murdered George Floyd. So far, several jury candidates have been dismissed who either can’t say or spell the word “guilty” in one or two seconds.

An investigation found retired Pope Benedict XVI lied about having no knowledge of priest sexual abuse during his oversight of the Diocese of Munich in the 70s & 80s. So he went to confession and forgave himself because that’s how Catholicism rolls.

Khloe Kardashian is getting dragged on social media for selling her 3-year-old daughter’s used clothing online, with some items priced at $150 – or more, if the creeps buying ’em know they haven’t been washed.

19-year-old Zara Rutherford became the youngest woman to complete a solo round-the-world flight. She thanked her sponsors and the air traffic controllers who listened for hours as she discussed boys and girls she doesn’t like.

A third person in Montgomery County, Pennsylvania died after an Italian restaurant was found to be transmitting hepatitis A. As in “A, you no like-a the manicotti??”

Dolly Parton turned 76 on Wednesday, and the current iteration of her boobs turned 19.

Meghan Linsey, a runner-up on The Voice in 2015, got married. “Who?” asked Blake Shelton, Adam Levine & Kelly Clarkson.

A woman in Chester County, Pennsylvania was rescued after being stuck in the bathroom for four days. Her dinner date left.

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Norway’s worst mass murderer in the nation’s history appeared at his parole hearing and started it with a Nazi salute, which the parole board called “a real time-saver”.

Philadelphia now requires vaccination for indoor dining. Those without proper vaccine status are encouraged to go to North Philly where they can be shot twice in no time.

U.S. communications providers Verizon and AT&T delayed the deployment of 5G signals near airports due to the risk of interference with aircraft instruments, though it won’t interfere with Spirit Airlines tin can-and-string communication systems.

Cracker Barrel was ordered to pay a customer $9.4 million for serving a glass of cleaning chemicals instead of water, permanently damaging his throat. They’re also being criticized for their first aid response, which involved stuffing his mouth with biscuits to soak up the chemical.

Saturnino de la Fuente, Guinness record holder as World’s Oldest Man, died in Spain at the age of 112 years, 341 days. Guinness contacted de la Fuente’s family to ask if they wouldn’t mind shipping the plaque to some other old dude.

A Japanese man with a graduate degree in physics rents himself out to ‘do nothing’ with strangers at a rate of $90 for several hours. He plans to emigrate to the United States and raise his rate to $174,000/year as a member of the Senate.

A Tesla owner was charged with felony manslaughter after putting the car on autopilot, driving through a red light and killing the occupants of another vehicle. The driver pled not guilty, and the car hired its own lawyer.

Texas rapper Sad Frosty died unexpectedly at age 24. First responders were unable to revive him by placing an old silk hat they found on his head.

The Taliban ordered all shop owners to behead their mannequins, because they’re “idols” banned by Islam. Shop owners are struggling to find cantaloupes so they can properly display hooded sweatshirts.

A woman posted on TikTok that her husband prepared “hormone food” to remedy her infertility, and that she’s now pregnant. She credits the delicious meals which she ate during lunches with the teenager who cleans their pool.

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A married Texas police chief resigned after he was discovered to have two different girlfriends, otherwise known as ‘Jack Tripper-ing’.

Republican Senators will present President Biden with a $608 billion COVID relief counterproposal at 5pm today. The meeting is expected to start right after they finish watching ‘Judge Judy’.

Elon Musk said his new startup, Neuralink, has wired a monkey’s brain that lets it play video games with its mind. This allows the monkey to remain hands-free so he can throw feces at the wall and masturbate.

An Idaho man won $250,000 from a scratch-off lottery ticket, the sixth time he won the lottery. Although the previous five wins were free scratch-off lottery tickets.

A New York man’s mother died in his apartment, and he attempted to hide the smell of her corpse by dousing it with Febreze. The guy at the crematorium said it was nice that the place smelled like fresh linen for a change.

NBCUniversal pledged to audition actors with disabilities in all of their upcoming film & tv projects. They say it’s important for actors in wheelchairs to hear “we’re looking for someone taller.”

NASA delayed its decision to award two contracts for missions to send astronauts to the moon. So far the favorites are Elon Musk’s SpaceX and Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin – and the longshot is the U.S. Postal Service.

Lego is adding bicycle lanes to its tiny city building kits. Sadly, several cyclists have been struck and killed after being stepped on.

NASA astronauts conducted their second spacewalk of the year, and are now just 9,950 steps short of getting in 10,000.

Oregon decriminalized all drugs and plans to offer addicts rehabilitation instead of prison. But in the meantime, things are about to get crazy at Oregon Walmarts.

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HGTV’s Christina Anstead changed her Instagram profile to her maiden name, Haack, following her divorce from Ant Anstead. She also hired an exterminator to get rid of Ant’s things.

Paris Hilton said she’s begun in vitro fertilization in the hope of having twins. She said the hardest part is how cold the eggs are after she takes them out of her refrigerator.

Tuesday marked the one-year anniversary of Kobe Bryant’s death. He spent the day trashing other deceased NBA players who won’t pass him the ball.

Tyler Perry received the COVID-19 vaccine, just in time for Friday’s release of his new film: ‘Tyler Perry’s Tyler Perry Gets The COVID-19 Vaccine‘.

Trans actor Elliot Page and dancer wife Emma Portner are divorcing, following three years of marriage and arguing about who wears the pants in their family.

China is rolling out COVID testing using anal swabs, saying results are more accurate. However, getting volunteers to work the test sites has gotten tougher.

Florida’s ‘Paramedic Of The Year’ was arrested for forging COVID vaccine documents and attempting to steal doses. His Paramedic Of The Year award was in recognition of getting the most phone numbers from alcohol poisoned girls during Spring Break.

Democratic and Republican Senators reached a power-sharing agreement after discussions of preserving the filibuster. Donald Trump had supported keeping the filibuster, mainly because he thought it was a four-patty Big Mac.

Research indicates using profanity helps pain tolerance. The study followed women talking to their spouses and doctors during childbirth.

Joe Biden announced the purchase of 200 million more doses of COVID vaccines. Government watchdogs condemned the purchase, saying it fell well below the 250 million threshold to qualify for free shipping.

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Three new Democratic Senators were sworn in, including Raphael Warnock and Alex Padilla, who replaced Kelly Loeffler and Vice President Kamala Harris – leading established Senators to complain the place is now an even bigger sausage fest.

Despite his pardon from Donald Trump, rapper Kodak Black still faces sexual assault charges in South Carolina. Prosecutors are busily preparing for their Kodak Moment.

The CW Network debuts ‘Walker’, a reboot of ‘Walker – Texas Ranger’. The new show stars Jared Padalecki, after producers rejected an alternate spinoff starring Chuck Norris’ toupee.

Golfer Justin Thomas was dropped by sponsor Ralph Lauren and will enter a training program, following use of a homophobic slur after he missed a putt. Thomas apologized, and said if the ball went in the hole, he’d have used a pro-gay word.

Jill Biden is the 1st First Lady to hold a paid job outside of the White House. She said she needs to do it for the better health insurance.

President Biden signed an executive order requiring face masks on planes. A Spirit Airlines spokesperson said their passengers already do so, to keep from smelling each other.

The Cleveland Cavaliers defeated the Brooklyn Nets 147-135, in a game both coaches praised as their teams’ best defensive outing of the season.

Fox News’ Sean Hannity criticized Joe Biden’s inaugural speech, referring to the new President as “frail” and “cognitively struggling”. Hannity closed the show saying “and let’s welcome our new head writer, Stephen Miller..”

Medical experts say Johnson & Johnson’s single-dose COVID vaccine could be a game-changer, once everyone gets it in 2024.

Today marks the 4th Anniversary of the Global Women’s March – when thousands of women who missed it decide what they wanted to wear.