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An off-duty Cincinnati police officer working security at a Kroger grocery tasered an 11-year-old girl suspected of shoplifting. The girl was charged with theft, treated and released at a local hospital, and is said to be bummed out that the Sour Patch Kids she stole melted from the electricity.

McDonald’s will select one random user of its app between August 10 and August 24 to be a McGold Card holder, winning free McDonald’s food for the rest of their life, or about two years.

New York City voted to freeze the number of Lyft and Uber vehicles operating within city limits. City council members said NYC will treat Uber & Lyft vehicles like taxis – meaning their air conditioning will be broken, credit card payments won’t work, and non-white passengers are pretty much on their own.

A Frontier Airlines employee spent the night in an Atlanta hotel with two children, ages 9 & 7, who were traveling as unaccompanied minors on a flight from Des Moines to Orlando that was diverted to Atlanta because of weather. The kids’ parents were mortified, and angry that Frontier charged them for the kids’ meals, and fees since the children qualified as checked baggage.

Beach volleyball players in Alabama inadvertently destroyed hundreds of baby Tern bird eggs when they moved them to clear space for their game, according to the Birmingham Audubon Society. Since then, fences have been erected to protect other nests, but angry bird protesters still are popping volleyballs with their beaks.

Google launched ‘Cameos’, a video Q&A app aimed at celebrities, to permit them to answer fans’ biggest, most frequently asked questions using video. So far, John Travolta has filmed 500 Cameos saying he isn’t gay.

Facebook has launched Mentorships, a free service that will pair people who need help or guidance with those providing it. They immediately shut down the accounts of hundreds of ‘mentors’ offering to help women pick out the clothes they’ll wear that day.

Amazon is introducing Alexa Auto, an extension of its digital assistant in to cars, where Alexa will badger drivers to slow down, ask for directions and stop for rest room breaks.

McDonald’s opened a new 19,000 square foot, glass-enclosed restaurant in Chicago that looks like an Apple Store. It features table service, ordering kiosks, a McGenius Bar where a high-school dropout tells you how to work the Coke Freestyle machine, and high-tech restroom urinals for vandals to poop in.

Lauren Cutshaw, a 32-year-old South Carolina woman pulled over for DUI, tried to talk her way out of it by saying she’s a “very clean, thoroughbred, white girl”. She was still arrested after she blew a .18 blood alcohol content, but after being freed on bail she accepted a job as Trump 2020 Campaign Chairperson for South Carolina.

 

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WWE’s stock price soared after releasing quarterly earnings. Executives attributed profits to cost savings from not having to buy wedding gifts for Nikki Bella and John Cena, and the robust U.S. economy providing more money for dumb people to buy WWE stuff.

Kristen Stewart has been cast as an Angel in the Charlie’s Angels movie reboot–where the Angels confront criminals and bore them to death.

Facebook had the worst day in U.S. stock market history, losing $132 billion in market value after forecasting slower earnings growth. It was so bad, Mark Zuckerberg vaguebooked “man, I can’t believe it” and received two million comments asking “what’s wrong?”

Over 700 immigrant children have yet to be reunited with their parents or families after being separated by Trump’s zero-tolerance immigration policy. What’s worse is that the Trump administration is charging the parents overtime for each hour they don’t arrive to pick up their kids at Donnie’s Day Care.

With over 200 cases reported since February, the Centers for Disease Control issued warnings for those raising chickens in their backyard to guard against salmonella. People are reminded to wash their hands, wear specific shoes while around the chickens and, if you live in the Deep South, use condoms.

Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones insists that players who want to remain on the Cowboys will need to stand for the National Anthem. Although they’ll still probably sit for the playoffs.

Amazon is beginning to roll out collaborative ‘wish lists’. They say it’s a great way for couples who loved specific wedding gifts to ask for duplicates before the divorce.

Apple announced free repair for its consumer devices that were damaged in the Japanese floods – just provide your name, address and device type and Apple will send you a large bag of rice.

New York City officials are moving to restrict the number of Uber and Lyft vehicles on the road, blaming rideshare cars for congestion, lower driver wages, and reduced opportunities for traditional cabbies to sexually harass passengers.

John ‘Papa John’ Schnatter is suing the company he founded, Papa John’s Pizza, to review internal documents related to his firing for using the n-word.  Papa John’s lawyers sent their response to Schnatter — late, tasteless, in a box with two wrinkled banana peppers.

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Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen denied that the United States has a policy of separating children of illegal immigrants from their parents at the U.S. border. Rather, she said the problem was gathering up all of the 5-and-under Mexican runaways.

Disney issued a warning to moviegoers, saying that certain sequences of flashing lights in Incredibles 2 could trigger seizures. Theaters now ask that the audience silence their cell phones and epileptic family members.

The Veterans Administration is under fire for hiding poor quality ratings of its nursing homes. The ratings scale runs from ‘Acceptable’ to ‘Someone From 60 Minutes Is Asking To Visit.’

Giant hogweed, an invasive plant with sap that can cause burns and blindness, has been found growing in eastern Virginia. Officials say the plant should be destroyed with herbicides or other non-contact methods, unless you really dislike your husband and want to send him out there to rip it out bare-handed.

Apple is updating iPhone software so users’ precise location will be shared in the event they dial 911. They are hoping this will allow law enforcement to more quickly locate the hundreds of female Uber customers each day who take a ride with a creep.

A 23-year-old man has been accused of making fraudulent returns to over 1,000 Walmart locations, by returning computers after removing parts from them. Employees became suspicious because they don’t see many customers who know how to use a computer.

The World Health Organization has officially classified ‘gaming disorder’ as a mental health condition, likening it to substance abuse and gambling addiction. They clarify that ‘gaming disorder’ is not to be confused with the more common affliction where people just suck at video games.

A brain-eating amoeba was found in the drinking water of a town in southern Louisiana. Asked what it was doing there, the mayor joked “starving”.

High winds at a Denver, Colorado park sent portable toilets flying in the air. No one was injured, and officials assured families at the park that the winds were coming from outside the toilets.

Delaware wants to have parents issue consent before their child’s gender identity can be recognized at school. Children were sent home with forms for parents to check ‘male’; ‘female’; ‘fluid’; ‘trans’; and ‘I Don’t Know’.

 

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Twitter’s emoji for the U.S./North Korea #Singaporesummit depicts a high-five between Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un. They were asked to redo it several times to make Trump’s hands the same size as Un’s.

Uber’s Chief Brand Officer Bozoma Saint John is leaving to become Chief Marketing Officer for Endeavor, an entertainment agency conglomerate. She’s excited to leave the world of inappropriate sexual behavior by underpaid cab drivers for the world of inappropriate sexual behavior by overpaid Hollywood agents.

Snapchat announced that you’ll soon be able to Unsend messages, so that a few less people will have seen your breasts and penises.

Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner filed details of their personal wealth and investment holdings with the Office of Government Ethics. They each would have done so sooner, but neither could believe the Office of Government Ethics still exists.

President Trump is now en route back to the U.S. following the Singapore summit with Kim Jong Un. He considered the trip a success, obtaining denuclearization concessions, along with that pin from the Singapore Hard Rock Cafe that he wanted.

Erin and Leah Finan, a married Indiana couple, were each sentenced to over five years in federal prison for scamming Amazon out of over $1 million in electronics, and for writing reviews of the merchandise they stole that nobody found helpful.

  • Sentencing guidelines called for ten years, but Amazon’s lawyers requested leniency since they were both Prime members.

Facebook followed up on Mark Zuckerberg’s Congressional testimony with 454 pages of answers to over 2,000 questions that Zuckerberg couldn’t answer in person, then Zuckerberg snoozed Congress for 30 days.

A 9-year-old girl is being sent to a rehab facility for addiction to Fortnite. Her parents say she wet herself and sat in her own urine instead of pausing the game on Xbox. While at rehab, she’ll learn about the mobile version of the game that she can play on the toilet.

Domino’s Pizza announced on Monday that it’s paying to fill potholes in towns across the United States; and, in the process, making good use of its surplus pizza dough.

A 69-year-old man allegedly defecated on another person during a road rage incident in Pennsylvania. The perpetrator was charged with harassment; the victim was not charged, but was named the Worst Ever At Road Rage by police.

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Facebook will begin notifying users if their personal data was provided to Cambridge Analytica, with a red dot indicating Cambridge Analytica Approved Your Friend Request! They’ll then be invited to connect with Cambridge Analytica on Messenger, and see Cambridge Analytica employees’ kids first day of school pictures.

A topless female protester jumped a barricade and charged at Bill Cosby outside of his sexual assault trial. Cosby was kept safely away while he looked for his eyeglasses.

The protester was identified as Nicolle Rochelle, an actress who had guest-starred on The Cosby Show, although she doesn’t remember much about it.

Apple introduced a red iPhone 8, so now anyone can start a nuclear war.

Uber purchased bike-sharing service Jump Bikes; now women can be creeped out by a hairy guy in the front of a tandem bicycle.

A mother’s apology has gone viral, after her elementary-school-aged son wore a McDonald’s ‘I’m Lovin It’ parody t-shirt, depicting ‘golden arches’ as a pair of spread woman’s legs in high heels. The mother said her son will never wear the shirt again, and the boy said three of his teachers asked him on a date.

A new study suggests that exercise can reduce risk from heart disease, even if you have a genetic risk for it. The study followed the results of a half-million people, excluding the ones who had heart attacks while exercising.

A man confessed on Facebook to killing his mother and friend with a stolen rifle. At the time the post was reported and taken down, Wow! and Sad emoji responses were tied.

A 1-year-old boy was struck by an oxygen canister that fell from the ceiling during landing of an American Airlines Hong Kong-to-Dallas flight. The boy was sitting in his mother’s lap at the time of the incident. The mother was scolded for not hitting herself in the head with the oxygen before before letting her boy be hit.

Game-show app HQ Trivia is rolling out social features, so you can connect with friends while you play the game and see if they’re even more stupid than you are.

A new high-speed Florida train has struck and killed a person for the 4th time since launching service. This time the train was northbound so the body landed in Georgia.

 

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A 29-year-old Florida woman told the Pensacola News Journal that she mistook a 37-week pregnancy for stomach pains from “bad Chinese food” and gave birth to a son the next day.  The Hunan Garden Buffet near her house then tripled prices and renamed as Hunan Garden Buffet & Fertility Clinic.

Snapchat is laying off 100 workers, all of whom disappeared a day after getting their employee photos taken.

The Los Angeles Rams are breaking ground, becoming the first NFL franchise to hire two men for their cheerleading squad. As is the case with the team’s female cheerleaders, they’re banned from dating Rams players….you know which ones. You know.

New research shows that people who dine out frequently risk higher exposure to toxic chemicals from food packaging called phthalates. Or, as they’re known outside of Philadelphia, thalates.

Uber suspended its self-driving car program in Arizona after a self-driving vehicle struck a pedestrian. Without driving privileges, the car now sits in the basement all day playing video games.

Melania Trump visited Palm Beach’s St. Mary’s Medical Center to deliver Easter baskets to children undergoing treatment. The First Lady described all of the children as “brave”, saying she remembered her first visit to a children’s hospital for plastic surgery.

Congress is questioning Environmental Protection Agency Administrator Scott Pruitt’s expenses for bringing his security detail on a family trip to Disneyland. Pruitt’s office justified the claim based on terroristic threats he’s received from someone known only as ‘Goofy’.

China’s Tiangong-1 or “Heavenly Palace” space lab is projected to fall back to Earth this weekend – based on NASA data showing that Heavenly Palace menus have been scattered on planets closer and closer to the Earth’s atmosphere.

Facebook announced that they’re severing relationships with 3rd-party data brokers. CEO Mark Zuckerberg said the move away from large data mines will create more opportunities for independent data thieves to steal and sell information about you.

President Trump arrived in Florida for the weekend, and was expected to attend Good Friday services at Trump International Golf Course, where there are 18 stations of the cross instead of the typical 14.

 

 

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An all-Tesla racing league is in the works. Drivers are looking for pit crew members that can change tires and stick the plug in the right way on the first try.

Russian cybersecurity company Kaspersky Lab released findings that one-quarter of the malware found on Android phones used porn videos as the bait – starring Russian porn starlet Kandi Kaspersky.

Uber and Lyft drivers are surprised to learn that each app has implemented a tip limit for passenger payments. “Yeah, can you believe it? It’ll only let me tip you two bucks” say cheapskates.

A private practice nutritionist in NYC says that eating pizza for breakfast is better than eating most sugared cereal, a claim disputed by General Mills – makers of Papa John’s Chocolate Meat Lovers Crunch.

President Donald Trump approved the release of a controversial GOP memo alleging FBI abuse of surveillance, despite “grave concerns” from his FBI director and Democrats. Trump refused to release of a rebuttal document from Democrats, and the D- reading comprehension score he received summarizing the report’s contents.

The report is expected to be made available later today, and will be readable unless you’ve used up your 10 free articles for this month linking the Trump campaign to the Russians.

Punxsutawney Phil predicted six more weeks of winter. And Puertotawney Phil predicted at least six more months without power.

Shares of toy maker Mattel fell almost 9% on Thursday, as holiday sales failed to meet expectations. Barbie doll sales were actually up during the holidays, but were offset by disappointing demand for Time’s Up Ken.

A New York City teacher giving a lesson on slavery made several black students lie on the floor, and even stepped on some of them to ‘show what slavery felt like.’ Parents were outraged, although one of the stepped-on students asked for her phone number.

A plot to bombard the upcoming Marvel Black Panther movie with negative Rotten Tomatoes user reviews has been identified and will be monitored by the site. Assistance was offered by the Justice League, but Rotten Tomatoes said “no thanks.”

 

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A giant 13-by-13 foot concrete swastika was unearthed beneath a sports field in Hamburg, Germany. German officials intend to destroy it with jackhammers, but only after President Trump deemed it too expensive to transport to Washington.

A female Twitter user’s hack for sneaking food into movie theaters by using a fake foam ‘baby bump’ has gone viral; since then, dozens of women have been thrown out of cinemas after their Mountain Dew broke.

John Lasseter, writer/creator of the Toy Story movies and Chief Creative Officer of Pixar/Disney Animation, is taking a six-month leave of absence amid accusations of sexual misconduct by female employees. Lasseter will spend time-out dreaming up new adventures for Woody.

Saudi Arabia plans to issue its first tourist visas in 2018, and at the same time will introduce ‘Saudi Prime’, which includes free two-day shipping for incoming brides.

A 6-year-old Wisconsin girl shot and killed a six-point buck, the first to do so after the state nixed its minimum hunting age. Her father – who was with her – was reportedly “beaming”. Her 4-year-old brother is reportedly “terrified.”

Uber paid a $100,000 ransom to hackers who stole the data of 50 million riders and 7 million drivers. Investigators believe the hackers were competing taxi drivers, since they wouldn’t accept a credit card.

While smoking is still the number one cause of cancer, updated research from the American Cancer Society attributes an increasing number of cancer-related deaths to obesity and alcohol consumption – leading some doctors to lobby for warning labels on the floor mats at Dunkin Donuts and Buffalo Wild Wings.

New data from the Centers for Disease Control reveal the drunkest city in every U.S. state – except for Kentucky and Tennessee, where multiple cities are in the midst of a lengthy binge to break each’s 10-way tie.

Atlanta imploded the Georgia Dome, the biggest collapse the city has witnessed since the Super Bowl.

The Wall Street Journal reports that many Chief Financial Officers are discontinuing the use of Microsoft Excel, saying the ubiquitous spreadsheet software hasn’t kept up with modern financial analysis needs such as large data manipulation, and modeling payouts to executives dismissed for sexual harassment.

 

 

 

 

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ABC announced its newest Bachelor — 35 year-old race car driver Arie Luyendyk, Jr. Dozens of young women will now battle it out for pole position.

China has banned soft cheese imports. Now no one there has to worry about saying ‘brie’ or ‘camembert’ correctly.

A new Miss America will be crowned Sunday night. Miss Florida’s talent will be ‘getting out of Florida.’

UFC women’s fighter Paige VanZant told ‘The MMA Hour’ that she’s “passed out in her bathroom” cutting weight before fights. Her boyfriend said he passed out in the bathroom after she used it, too.

Chili’s announced that it’s eliminating 40% of its menu items, in a move that recent diners at Chili’s call ‘a good start’.

  • The chain made the move after research showed customers got confused looking through so many pictures to find the fajitas and ribs.

A 13 year-old girl in England who died from a brain aneurysm set a record by having 8 of her organs donated and successfully transplanted. The number would have been greater but one finicky recipient wanted blue eyes, not brown.

The FBI is investigating whether Uber used software to illegally interfere with its competitors. Uber denied the claim, saying its software is only used to gouge its own customers.

Anna Faris, now separated from husband Chris Pratt, said on her podcast that Pratt was not her best friend. Pratt said that Faris wasn’t his best friend either. Their nanny was.

Equifax announced one of the largest data breaches in U.S. history, with over 140 million persons’ records stolen, including names, addresses and social security numbers. Identity thieves expressed disappointment in how terrible everyone’s credit scores are.

Disney introduced a new group of 8 Mouseketeers – the first new group in 20 years. The new kids will star in the rebooted Club Mickey Mouse, which can only be viewed on social media. ‘Club Mickey Mouse’ is now parents’ most-blocked account on Facebook and Instagram.

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President Trump returned from his tour of Houston in the wake of Hurricane Harvey, telling White House staff that it’s the biggest water hazard he’s ever seen.

Hurricane Harvey is estimated to be the costliest disaster in U.S. history, somehow surpassing the 2016 Presidential Election.

Ronda Rousey was married over the weekend to longtime boyfriend and fellow MMA fighter Travis Browne. Rousey was a total knockout in a Galia Lahav gown, a departure from getting knocked out in a sports bra and tight shorts.

  • Rousey’s next scheduled bout is ‘not tonight I have concussion symptoms from my last two fights’.

DeVry University was ordered to pay its students $49 Million in penalties for misleading advertisements. The judge ordered DeVry to just add it to their alumni’s Burger King paychecks.

A construction project near Denver unearthed the 66 million year-old fossilized skeleton of a triceratops. The triceratops claimed seniority and assumed its new role as project foreman.

A 1000-person study commissioned by Baskin Robbins claims that the way you eat ice cream can accurately predict your personality. Those eating from a cone are optimists, those who eat from a bowl are more conservative, and those who skip eating at Baskin Robbins are more confident about living longer.

Tickets for Bruce Springsteen’s Broadway debut, Springsteen on Broadway, went on sale Wednesday, with scalpers immediately commanding up to $6,000 a ticket, leading budget-conscious theatre-goers to opt for $1,000 Hamilton tickets instead.

Producers of ‘It’, the new movie adaptation of Stephen King’s novel featuring a terrifying clown, ‘Pennywise’, dismiss complaints from the World Clown Association that the movie is hurting business for real life clowns, telling them to ‘just look at the White House’.

Uber’s new CEO, Dara Khosrowshahi, will finally meet his staff today; he’s expected to outline his vision for the company, turn up the air conditioning and change the radio station.