By |

A Philadelphia man was taken into custody after locking himself in the bathroom at a Planned Parenthood office. “For the last time, you’re not pregnant” said workers.

A nest of 1,500 murder hornets was destroyed in Washington state. The hornets actually excavated a dead tree’s trunk before nesting in it, and may qualify to join a log cutters union.

A woman assaulted by a man on a Tennessee dog walking trail thwarted her assailant by smearing his face with dog poop. The assailant was later captured by police, and identified after the dog sniffed his face.

The U.S. conducted an air strike in Kabul, reportedly killing ISIS-K suicide bombers. “Nooooo… I WANNA DO IT” said the bombers during a tantrum.

A woman was injured at New Jersey’s Six Flags Great Adventure when she slipped and fell off of a roof. Officials have temprorarily shut down the Spider Man’s Shingle Repair ride.

An endangered fin whale that died after being found on a Delaware Beach was discovered to have underlying health conditions. The veterinarian performing the necropsy said the whale suffered from a lack of obesity.

Afghanistan faces a financial crisis because its banks remain closed and citizens have no access to cash. It’s so bad, the country’s largest dealership hasn’t sold a single goat in two weeks.

A gunman who shot at a commuter outside New York Penn Station was sent to jail after calling the judge at his arraignment “bro”. The judge struck his gavel and yelled “you will address me as DUDE!”.

Cecily Barmore, stepdaughter of Dog the Bounty Hunter, was arrested for domestic violence after allegedly punching and biting her boyfriend. The District Attorney has not yet filed charges, after Barmore agreed to heel.

Kid Rock cancelled two shows in Fort Worth, Texas after members of his band tested positive for COVID-19. Rock said via Twitter that he and all his band members have been vaccinated with cow dewormer Ivermectin.

By |

Walker Boone, voice of Mario in the 90s cartoon show Super Mario World, has passed away. His last words were “it’s-a no longer me”.

27 people aboard a Carnival Cruise Line ship bound for Belize have tested positive for COVID-19. The passengers are vaccinated, most are asymptomatic, and all are asking for their own private supply of crab legs at the buffet.

Britney Spears’ father, Jamie, agreed to remove himself from her conservatorship. No word on who will control Britney’s estate in the near-term, but it’s a sure thing she won’t ask to spend money on singing lessons.

Mama June Shannon, reality tv mom of Honey Boo-Boo, is suing a Beverly Hills doctor for $35,000 for botching her dental surgery. The suit demands $17,500 for each tooth.

Adidas, which acquired Reebok in 2006 for $3,8 billion, is selling the brand for just $2.5 billion. Journalists sought comments from athletes who wear Reebok shoes, but couldn’t find any.

Eminem’s 19-year-old child Stevie announced they’re non-binary, and will use pronouns they/he/she – and, any new ones that come out.

Former MLB All-Star Jim Edmonds got engaged to Kortnie O’Connor, who reportedly had a threesome with Edmonds & his third ex-wife Meghan. Edmonds is confident in Kortnie’s ability to produce in the clean-up spot.

NASA increased the odds of massive asteroid Bennu striking Earth sometime before 2300. Although gamblers who bet that Bennu will strike Earth may have a hard time collecting their winnings once the planet is blown up.

‘Jersey Shore’ star Vinny Guadagnino is selling his California home after realizing it was on the wrong coast.

Washington state reported the first sighting of live murder hornets in the U.S. in 2021. They were difficult to recognize at first because of the masks.

By |

Donald Trump’s allies launched a new social media app, GETTR, to promote discussions free of cancel culture and liberal bias. Those eager to see it fail are already waiting to say “GETTR done”.

The NFL fined the Washington Football Team $10 million for creating a hostile workplace culture. Owner Daniel Snyder said he was stepping away from day-to-day operations, as the embarrassment left his skin red.

Trump Organization CFO Allen Weisselberg’s fraud charges include using company funds to pay for his grandson’s school tuition. Only he was so dumb, the payments were made to Trump University.

Wally Funk, an 82-year-old woman and former NASA astronaut-in-training, will join Amazon founder Jeff Bezos, his brother Mark, and someone who paid $28 million, on the inaugural Blue Origin space flight. “So, anybody know what they’re doing?” they’ll ask each other during countdown.

A Boeing 737 cargo jet was forced to land in the ocean near Honolulu after experiencing engine failure. Customers who got emails saying “Great News! Your shipment is on the way!”..received follow-up emails, “Not-So-Great News!…”

Actress Raven Symone said her wife is the one to be thanked for Symone’s 30-pound weight loss, calling her “a terrible cook”.

Amber Heard, Johnny Depp’s ex-wife, is now the mother of a baby girl. Heard, who infamously pooped in Depp’s bed, said her baby is already pooping in hers.

The woman who held up a sign and allegedly caused a multi-bike crash at the Tour de France has been arrested. She was ordered to pay for all of the Band Aids needed to fix the boo-boos of the impacted cyclists.

The head of Instagram said it’s “no longer a photo-sharing app”. “Coulda fooled me” said millions of creeps ogling women.

West Nile virus has been found in mosquitoes in Washington state. But since the temperatures in Washington have reached 100 degrees, the bugs plan to return to the actual West Nile in Africa, where it’s cooler.

By |

The Invisible Man brought in close to $30 million this weekend – as billionaire Tom Steyer checked his savings account and dropped out of the presidential race.

As part of an agreement to lower the number of U.S. troops in Afghanistan, over 5000 Taliban fighters will be released, and added to UFC lineups in Kabul.

Tony Romo agreed to a record $17 million per year deal to remain an NFL analyst at CBS Sports. Meanwhile, at ESPN, Booger McFarland agreed to pay $2 million per year to keep saying nonsense on Monday Night Football.

Washington state is investigating a possible coronavirus outbreak at a nursing home. The good news is that the visitors lounge was empty anyway.

Buckingham Palace officially confirmed that Harry & Meghan will be allowed to retain their royal titles – Black Sheep & Golddigger.

Workers at Disney World retrieved an iPhone 11 from the Seven Seas Lagoon attraction after it had been dropped in the water at a Halloween party – though the phone’s owner was shocked to see naked pics of Ariel that Sebastian took under the sea.

The Surgeon General urged Americans to stop buying face masks to prevent coronavirus, saying the shortage is hindering the ability to get them for medical professionals and ugly people.

The last crew members on board the contaminated Diamond Princess cruise liner were evacuated, and the ship will return to port to be sterilized. Once seaworthy, it will relaunch with the captain breaking a bottle of Clorox over its bow.

Google apologized after its Nest home security cameras stopped working during a 17-hour outage. Subscribers to video cloud storage will receive a $5 refund, and creeps will get an update of what the small child they’re stalking did during the 17 hours.

Public Enemy fired Flavor Flav. Founder Chuck D said the group has been called a lot of names over the years, but never flavorless.

Americans will soon rely on methods other than passwords as the main form of cybersecurity, according to Vijay Balasubramaniyan – CEO of Pindrop, an online security company – who admits he uses his last name as a password and no one has cracked it.

By |

A new Wallethub study claims Iowa is the best U.S. state to drive in. Mainly because no other place creates the same joy you get once you drive your way out of Iowa.

The Impeachment Trial of Donald Trump began in the U.S. Senate on Tuesday,  Trump watched from Davos, Switzerland, wondering when the court clerks finally bring in bag after bag of children’s letters to Santa Claus.

Queen Elizabeth reportedly considered stripping Prince Harry and Meghan Markle of their ‘Duke & Duchess of Sussex’ titles. Harry & Meghan reportedly considered stripping, too, now that they no longer receive public funds.

Health officials in Washington state confirmed the first U.S. case of the deadly Wuhan coronavirus, after someone ordered the cashew shrimp.

Two NYPD officers, a male and female, were disciplined for having sex in a precinct bathroom stall. “Police! Put your hands where I can’t see ’em!” said the female.

Finance website GOBankingRates claims $100,000 in retirement savings will last the longest for residents of Mississippi. They cite affordable housing, low taxes, and the happiness from everyone there calling you a billionaire.

Houston Astros owner Jim Crane said Astros players will publicly apologize at Spring Training for stealing pitching signs in 2018. Then they’ll go to their hotel rooms with groupies in tow and think long and hard about what they did.

Due to unusually cold temperatures in Florida, the National Weather Service issued a “falling iguana” warning, since iguanas may drop from trees because they’ve stopped moving. They also issued a rare “alligators wearing hats and mittens” warning.

It’s so cold in Florida, Donald Duck was spotted in Orlando shopping for pants.

Apple is set to introduce a new low-cost iPhone around March. It’s rumored to cost about $449 for the phone, and $399 to repair the screen after you drop it.

A global study states broadband Internet service in the U.S. is more expensive than 118 other countries. The cheapest high-speed Internet service is found in Syria, although tech support there is a challenge because the call centers keep blowing up.

By |

Washington state could become the first state in the U.S. to allow human composting. It’s unclear how many people will do it, since the procedure costs $5,500 –  in addition to an arm and a leg.

A 2-year-old will undergo STD testing after finding, and playing with, a used condom in the dining area of a McDonald’s restaurant in Australia. Health officials are also examining the purple semen found inside the condom.

A consumer advocacy group is suing the Department of Agriculture for continuing to certify chicken for human consumption that contains fecal bacteria. “And not just at Chipotle” said the lawsuit.

Botswana unveiled a large, near-flawless 20.46 carat blue diamond to rival the legendary Hope Diamond in size and purity. Botswana officials thanked diamond miners for their blood, sweat, more blood, and …well, mostly blood fighting to bring the diamond out.

Kim Kardashian said she would never bribe elite colleges to accept her children, when the kids could just advance their careers with a homemade porno movie.

A new study out of Britain finds that dog ownership is good for fitness, with dog owners more likely to get the recommended amount of exercise. The study also finds that dog ownership is risky for neighborhood friendships, since you’re more likely to wave at people with a bag of poop in your hands.

President Trump tweeted condolences for the victims of terror bombings in Sri Lanka, claiming that “138 million” people died. Trump later said he confused the number of Sri Lankans who died with the number of Americans citing his presidency wishing they were dead.

Following his team’s elimination in the Stanley Cup Playoffs, Winnipeg Jets captain Blake Wheeler told a reporter asking what went wrong to “f**k off”. Wheeler also added “please”, in keeping with Canadians’ reputation for common courtesy.

Uber & Lyft are implementing new features in response to public outcry over rideshare safety. In addition to verifying the driver & vehicle, riders will be notified via the respective apps when drivers plan to commit a crime.

Senator Elizabeth Warren is proposing the cancellation of $640 billion in student debt. The $640 billion is the combined historic revenue of Devry, ITT Tech, Strayer & University of Phoenix.