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An Apple corporate memo warning employees against leaking confidential information was, itself, leaked. Apple said that in 2017, 29 employees were terminated for leaking information – 12 were arrested, and 17 factory workers returned to 7th grade.

Ryan Fish, a 23-year-old Connecticut substitute teacher, was arrested for starting a “classroom fight club”, where he encouraged fistfights between students while other students recorded on their phones and cheered. He was charged on multiple counts of endangering children before returning in time to ring the bell for 4th-period geometry.

A 20-year-old Florida mother was arrested and charged with letting her 2-year-old smoke meth and pot. The county sheriff’s office said people joked about the toddler’s ability to roll joints. The mother faces multiple drug and neglect charges. The child was awarded a scholarship to a Florida academy for gifted children.

Comcast announced that it will partner with Netflix to bundle Netflix access in cable tv packages. Comcast said they want the ability to provide all of Netflix’ hit content, and Netflix said they want Comcast’s help making it f*cking impossible for customers to cancel Netflix.

Founder and CEO Elon Musk promised that Tesla will soon make money — for other people besides him.

PGA golfer Kelly Kraft struck a flying bird with his tee shot on the par-3 14th hole at the RBC Heritage tournament. Kraft’s ball fell into a water hazard, forcing him to take a double bogey – but since the bird had yelled “dilly dilly” he was okay with hitting it.

Three male survivors of a Chilean Catholic church sex abuse scandal will meet with Pope Francis at the Vatican. The survivors are expected to refuse the Pontiff’s offers to join him on the sofa and have something to drink.

Singer Huey Lewis has cancelled all of his 2018 shows, saying that he’s suffered almost complete hearing loss. He’s hoping for a recovery, but told his audiologist if this is it, please let him know.

Ahead of Saturday’s induction ceremonies, Jon Bon Jovi made a surprise appearance at the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame on Friday – the biggest surprise since his band actually got voted in.

A multi-state E.coli outbreak has been traced to chopped romaine lettuce. Health officials said that if you have bagged chopped romaine lettuce, you should throw it out; adding that if you don’t know if the lettuce is romaine, you should throw it out – and then learn how to read.

Starbucks’ CEO apologized for the treatment of two black men, arrested at a Philadelphia location for being in the coffee shop and asking to use the restroom without ordering anything. Kevin Johnson said the actions toward black people are not consistent with the company’s values, but hey, have you tried our new BLONDE espresso drinks?

Gay rights activist and environmental attorney David Buckel died after setting himself on fire in a Brooklyn park in a “protest suicide”. He leaves behind one hell of a carbon footprint.

 

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The New Yorker is reporting that a doorman at one of Donald Trump’s buildings was paid $30,000 not to discuss a story about a Trump building housekeeper allegedly bearing a child fathered by Trump. Not only did Trump supposedly get the housekeeper pregnant, he announced his missile strike on her two full days in advance.

A new study from the University of Connecticut reports that public restroom hand dryers suck up fecal matter and blow it back on users’ hands. The study also concluded that those are some pretty goddamned powerful bathroom hand dryers at the University of Connecticut.

President Trump has proposed rejoining the Trans-Pacific Partnership, presumably with a porn star he met in Japan.

Khloe Kardashian gave birth to a daughter with boyfriend Tristan Thompson, just days after allegations emerged that Thompson is a ‘serial cheater’, with gossip outlets posting images of him with several different women.  Thompson was present at the birth of his daughter, confident that he has three more affairs until he fouls out of the relationship.

A plastic surgeon in NYC who specializes in creating “designer nipples” for women say they ask for the “Kendall Jenner look”  – firmer nipples to highlight their breasts through their clothing. He said that if the surgery doesn’t take, the women still get a consolation prize of an old white t-shirt.

A bank robber stopped at Taylor Swift’s vacation home to throw stolen money over the fence to get her attention. She swiftly released a catchy diss track insulting the guy for not stealing and throwing more money.

Former FBI Director James Comey sat for an interview with ABC News’ George Stephanopoulos, which airs Sunday. So in the course of a month, ABC and CBS will have aired Sunday night interviews with a man, and a woman, f*cked by Donald Trump.

Details are emerging about updates to Gmail, including ‘Confidential Mode’, which lets Gmail users stop recipients from forwarding them, or restricts the ability to copy, download or print them. It’s also known as ‘Your Grandfather’ Mode, since he can’t seem to do that stuff anyway.

The new Gmail will also allow users to require a password to open designated emails, which idiots are encouraged to not put in the ‘Subject’ line.

Tonya Harding was named to the newest cast of ABC’s ‘Dancing With The Stars’. All Burbank, California Lowes & Home Depot stores report they’re sold out of crowbars.

 

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GOP House Speaker Paul Ryan said that he will retire from politics, saying he wants to be more than a ‘weekend father’ – and a ‘weekday White House nanny’.

A Nigerian man was arrested after being caught in possession of over $400,000 in counterfeit bills. Police were alerted to the scam by an email from the Prince of Nigeria.

Conservative commentator Jamie Allman’s St. Louis-area tv show was canceled after tweeting about preparing a hot poker to shove up the ass of Parkland high schooler and gun reform advocate David Hogg. Sinclair Broadcasting, owner of Allman’s old network, said that the poker comment was the byproduct of an unusually cold winter.

Spotify and Hulu are teaming up to offer a $13 monthly subscription bundle. It comes with unlimited time on hold for tech support.

Lizzy Martinez, a 17-year-old Florida high-school student was forced to cover her ‘distracting’ protruding nipples with band-aids because she wasn’t wearing a bra. Martinez is organizing a ‘bracott’ for Monday, but wasn’t available to talk about it because she’s like, literally, buried with promposals.

Following Martinez’ nipple incident, the Florida state legislature convened an emergency session to pass a bill requiring high-school girls to wear clear plastic blouses to prove they’re wearing a bra.

Stormy Daniels’ ‘Make America Horny Again’ Wednesday shows at Truth Detroit strip club were postponed. A spokesman for the club said there was a problem with the private jet bringing Daniels to Detroit. The problem is that it broke down, and also that it’s a Kia Sedona.

California Gov Jerry Brown announced they’ll send some National Guard members to patrol the California/Mexico border. The California guards are expected to arrive just as soon as they complete mandatory spray tanning and fittings for red swimsuits.

NASA announced research project Micro-11, where they’ll be shooting frozen human sperm in to space. The project was delayed while NASA scientists determined how to allow astronauts to spacewalk without pants on, and how to project porn on the outer wall of the International Space Station.

Secretary of State nominee Mike Pompeo faces a Senate confirmation hearing, with Democrats asking about his plans for dealing with North Korea and the humanitarian crisis in Syria – and Republicans asking if he’s related to Ellen Pompeo of ‘Grey’s Anatomy’.

 

 

 

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The Justice Department seized and shut down Backpage.com, charging founders and employees with a range of crimes related to facilitating sex trafficking through the site. Meanwhile, several clueless men who used the defunct classifieds site are left hanging wondering if they’ll ever be able to sell those used golf clubs.

Police departments had successfully been using Backpage as part of sting operations to catch men hiring prostitutes.  A coalition of local police chiefs said that with Backpage gone, they’ll have to try their luck catching ‘johns’ using Angie’s List.

A 12-year-old boy was arrested in Philadelphia for carrying a loaded AR-15 assault rifle. Charges have not yet been announced, although he received a grade of Incomplete for Show & Tell.

A 28-year-old Russian woman died when hospital workers in Ulyanovsk injected her with formaldehyde instead of saline solution after a routine procedure. Also, her Russian HMO refused to pay for it.

It was revealed that the most-visited Black Lives Matter page on Facebook is a fake. “Now I don’t know what to think!” said white people.

A 46-year-old female school nurse in Iowa was placed on administrative leave after having a sexual relationship with a 16-year-old male student. She faces charges of impersonating a math teacher.

The first accuser other than Andrea Constand testified at Bill Cosby’s retrial for sexual assault, while over a dozen others placed their hands on each other’s hips and formed a conga line on their way to the witness stand.

Mark Zuckerberg appeared before a Congressional committee of 44 lawmakers to answer questions about Facebook’s role in Russian election tampering, and failure to protect its users’ data. “You’re 43rd in line for tech support” said the message received by a junior senator at the start of the hearing.

Zuckerberg testified for over three hours, followed by a VIP Meet & Greet with all the GOP Senators, funded by their Super PACs.

The Guinness Book of World Records certified Masazo Nonaka of Ashoro, Japan as the World’s Oldest Living Man, at 112 years, 259 days – a record previously held by some dead guy.

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Facebook will begin notifying users if their personal data was provided to Cambridge Analytica, with a red dot indicating Cambridge Analytica Approved Your Friend Request! They’ll then be invited to connect with Cambridge Analytica on Messenger, and see Cambridge Analytica employees’ kids first day of school pictures.

A topless female protester jumped a barricade and charged at Bill Cosby outside of his sexual assault trial. Cosby was kept safely away while he looked for his eyeglasses.

The protester was identified as Nicolle Rochelle, an actress who had guest-starred on The Cosby Show, although she doesn’t remember much about it.

Apple introduced a red iPhone 8, so now anyone can start a nuclear war.

Uber purchased bike-sharing service Jump Bikes; now women can be creeped out by a hairy guy in the front of a tandem bicycle.

A mother’s apology has gone viral, after her elementary-school-aged son wore a McDonald’s ‘I’m Lovin It’ parody t-shirt, depicting ‘golden arches’ as a pair of spread woman’s legs in high heels. The mother said her son will never wear the shirt again, and the boy said three of his teachers asked him on a date.

A new study suggests that exercise can reduce risk from heart disease, even if you have a genetic risk for it. The study followed the results of a half-million people, excluding the ones who had heart attacks while exercising.

A man confessed on Facebook to killing his mother and friend with a stolen rifle. At the time the post was reported and taken down, Wow! and Sad emoji responses were tied.

A 1-year-old boy was struck by an oxygen canister that fell from the ceiling during landing of an American Airlines Hong Kong-to-Dallas flight. The boy was sitting in his mother’s lap at the time of the incident. The mother was scolded for not hitting herself in the head with the oxygen before before letting her boy be hit.

Game-show app HQ Trivia is rolling out social features, so you can connect with friends while you play the game and see if they’re even more stupid than you are.

A new high-speed Florida train has struck and killed a person for the 4th time since launching service. This time the train was northbound so the body landed in Georgia.

 

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Officers at The Vatican arrested and incarcerated Monsignor Carlo Capella on charges he uploaded and viewed child pornography. The Vatican charged him with hogging the computer while other clergy were waiting to do the same.

73-year-old former NFL and NCAA head coach Steve Spurrier has been named Head Coach of the Orlando team in the new Alliance of American Football. He’s expected to start work just as soon as he clears the league’s Dementia Protocol.

The Alliance of American Football is scheduled to begin play the week after the 2019 NFL Super Bowl with eight teams. It’s intended as an alternate league for pro football players to build or extend careers, and as an elaborate ruse so Donald Trump will quit his job to own a football team again.

The remaining seven Alliance of American Football teams have yet to be announced, but league officials will make the home cities public just as soon as they register with their respective bankruptcy courts.

A White House official told CNN that President Trump has begun early preparations for a potential interview with Special Counsel Robert Mueller. The preparations involve Trump identifying basic shapes and colors so that he can become reacquainted with actually telling the truth.

An Oklahoma mom posted that she’s “embarrassed” that her seven-year-old daughter’s textbook is the same one used by country superstar Blake Shelton in 1982. Shelton’s name was hand-printed on the inside front cover, and his high school senior year book report on it was tucked inside the back cover.

Singer Demi Lovato posted Instagram pictures of her stretch marks, extra fat and cellulite.  She shared the photos to show fans that she still loves her body even though it isn’t perfect.  In return, she was thanked by thousands of male creeps.

Conor McGregor was stripped of his UFC Lightweight Championship after McGregor threw a hand truck through a UFC bus window. He faces charges of felony criminal mischief and misdemeanor assault. The charges are a heavy betting favorite to win.

With McGregor out, the new undisputed UFC Lightweight Champion is Khabib Nurmagomedov – also from Ireland.

Facebook is planning to inform users if they were among the 87 million whose data was illegally obtained by Cambridge Analytica – leading to an estimated 50 million new Likes for Cambridge Analytica.

During a concert by singer Andrea Bocelli, the Lucca Philharmonic Orchestra in Pisa, Italy was conducted by a robot. Between songs, orchestra members took turns olive-oiling it.

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Illegal Mexican border crossings increased from 36k in February to over 50k in March, according to data from Ticketmaster affiliate Smugglemaster.

Adding to the inflow of illegals, in early March Carnival Cruise Lines christened its newest vessel, Enchantment Of The 40-Foot Cargo Trailer.

President Trump talked border security at a speech in West Virginia – well known as the #1 Dream Destination for immigrants as pictured on their ‘Become A Heroin Dealer’ Vision Boards.

Trump told the same crowd that “millions and millions” of people voted illegally in California. No additional details were given, but it’s believed he was referring to the Academy Motion Picture Arts & Sciences Lifetime Achievement Award for Harvey Weinstein.

A survey of large corporate IT departments finds that many are moving away from passwords and toward biometric data such as retinal scans and fingerprints, in an effort to minimize hacking. One drawback is that the IT Help Desks of these companies have a hard time helping employees that lose their fingers and eyeballs.

Police in Youngstown, Ohio have issued a warning about so-called “zombie raccoons” – raccoons they believe to be infected with distemper, that appear in the daylight as opposed to remaining nocturnal. The raccoons are dangerous, but may be leaving the area for Hollywood to pitch their ‘Zombie Raccoon’ tv show.

Defending champion Sergio Garcia stunned fans watching The Masters when he hit five consecutive balls in the water on the par-5 15th hole, taking a score of 13. Tournament officials did, however, allow him to hit every fan saying “hell, I coulda done that!” with his 5-iron.

The Philippines is closing the island of Borocay – known for its pristine blue water and white sand beaches – for six months, claiming the island has become a “cesspool” because of an influx of tourists and draining human sewage into the ocean water. The Philippines advised tourists who still want to swim in raw sewage that there’s always Mexico.

An analysis from researchers in Toronto finds that eating pasta can help you lose weight. Their study followed 2,500 people who were food poisoned at Olive Garden.

A tour bus crashed en route to The Masters in Augusta, Georgia, injuring over a dozen passengers. The driver was charged with DUI, in case you were wondering what John Daly is up to these days.

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President Trump plans to issue an order to deploy National Guard troops to the Mexican border, stating that they’ll protect the border “until there’s a wall”. Bricklayers who are also in the National Guard are lined up at their doctor’s offices getting notes about their bone spurs.

Skeletal remains found in a Long Island basement were identified as Louise Pietrewicz, a woman missing since 1966. The home once belonged to a married policeman, who was the prime suspect in her disappearance, but who took advantage of detectives too lazy to look for his missing girlfriend’s body in his basement.

A Chinese student is being deported for paying $3,000 to have an impostor take an English-language entrance exam to get into an American university. The good news is she can still complete her University of Phoenix degree online.

WWE Hall of Famer “Luscious” Johnny Valiant died after being struck while crossing the street. Witnesses say he bounced off one guard rail, then the other, before flipping and landing on his back. EMTs arrived, slapped the pavement three times and that was it.

Steven Spielberg said in an interview that, in the future, the next ‘Indiana Jones’ could be played by a woman. Spielberg continued by saying the first 20 minutes would be female Indiana Jones trying on hats to find the right one.

Donald Trump Jr. posted an Instagram photo of his sons playing with their aunt, Tiffany Trump. One of the boys, a four-year-old, posted the same photo to his Instagram account with the caption “feeling up this blond at my grampa’s Easter party.”

tiffany trump

The Food & Drug Administration issued a warning on abuse of loperamide, the active ingredient in anti-diarrheal Immodium, saying addicts are taking hundreds of pills at a time to achieve a methadone-like high and because they hate using public restrooms.

Jay-Z told David Letterman that he cried happy tears when his mother came out to him as gay. But then he cried sad tears when he found out how few words rhyme with ‘lesbian’.

Channing Tatum and wife Jenna Dewan are splitting up, but insisted there are no “secrets” or “salacious events” behind the separation. In a statement, the couple requested privacy as they look forward to independently creating secrets and salacious events.

April 5th is National Burrito Day. Although a coalition has formed in the Northeast to move it to a date later in the spring when it’s warm enough to leave windows open.

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An Indian woman in Maharashtra state survived after fighting off a tiger with a stick when the tiger attacked her goat. The woman suffered injuries to her head, legs, hands and waist — but was still able to make goat stew for dinner.

Mark Zuckerberg will testify before a U.S. House committee on April 11th. “Please Like and Share!” said the chairman of the committee.

Apple hired away John Giannandrea, Google’s head of artificial intelligence. Google is expected to backfill the vacancy by promoting the clone of himself Giannandrea created while he still worked there.

Taco Bell introduced three new items to its dollar menu.  Michelin responded by delaying the release of its 3-star restaurants for 2018.

Deerfield, Illinois voted to ban the possession, sale and manufacture of assault weapons, but accepted an offer from the NRA to provide Deerfield residents with free weekly round-trip bus rides to Chicago.

Fast-casual food chain Moe’s Southwest Grill announced that they’re looking for a new CTO – Chief Taco Officer.  Moe’s claims to be choosing finalists via a social media vote, but have also hired a search firm to recruit high-ranking executives with heart disease.

Saudi Arabia will fine couples $130,000 for snooping through each other’s text messages. The fines can be paid retroactively after billionaire sheiks murder one of their wives for cheating on them.

Fighter Canelo Alvarez was forced to cancel his middleweight title rematch with Gennady Golovkin, after Alvarez tested positive for banned substance Clenbuterol, which Alvarez said he ingested by eating a Mexican steak. In other news, Mexican bullfights have been canceled after the bulls tested positive for Clenbuterol.

Facebook is rewriting in ‘plain English’ its Terms Of Service and Data Use Policy. Users clicking through to see how Facebook uses their personal data will find a statement reading simply “we’re taking and selling all of it.”

Tinder is testing a new video feature, Tinder Loops, which the company said will give users a way to see what creeps and skanks look like when they’re moving.

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The personal data of 150 million users of My Fitness Pal was breached by hackers. “Oh no, I’d better stop exercising until this gets figured out!” said over 149 million users.

This week, Google Maps is letting users play ‘Where’s Waldo?’ in the app, leading to record app usage and record volume of 7-year-olds totalling the family car.

Tiger Woods and his ex-girlfriend Kristin Smith are reportedly in arbitration, with Smith asking to be released from a non-disclosure agreement she’d signed.