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A woman gave birth on a Frontier Airlines flight from Denver to Orlando. Then Frontier Airlines gave its first-ever discount voucher to the guy in her seat on the return flight to Denver.

Don Gorske of Fond du Lac, Wisconsin marked his 50th anniversary eating McDonald’s Big Macs every day. Meanwhile, the Fond du Lac coroner issued a third autopsy for copycats dying within two weeks attempting to duplicate Gorske’s feat with Arby’s Beef & Cheddars.

Netflix laid off 150 workers, notifying each of them they had to hit the Next Episode button.

A Massachusetts man was diagnosed with the first case of monkeypox in the U.S., a conclusion reached after multiple days of research by virologists and chimps wearing lab coats.

Multiple monkeypox cases have been identified in countries such as Spain, Portugal & the United Kingdom – with the World Health Organization officially recognizing them as barrels of monkeypox.

Serbia’s Lazar Krstic won the Red Bull Paper Wings paper-airplane contest, making a folded paper craft that sailed 200 feet. He’s been commissioned to fold a thousand more for the deployment of the Serbian Air Force.

The CW network cancelled ‘Riverdale‘, ending the Archie Comics-inspired drama after seven seasons. The network has, however, ordered a new pilot, ‘Jughead‘, which is 30 minutes of Donald Trump commenting on women’s breasts.

NASA’s Insight Mars lander is reportedly losing power because of dust collecting on the vehicle’s solar panels. They’re hoping if they get it to the right intersection in a sketchy neighborhood, a homeless martian will offer to clean the dust off.

Major League Baseball reporter Kelsey Wingert was struck in the forehead by a foul ball while standing in the dugout during Monday’s Giants/Rockies game, requiring stitches and a CT scan. This is her first time taking a ball to the face since college.

An Idaho man broke a Guinness World Record by running the Famous Idaho Potato Half-Marathon while wearing 111 t-shirts – and just five changes of underpants.

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Editor’s Note: No jokes on Tuesday or Wednesday of this week, since I’m having some routine medical work done. Thanks for reading & hope you come back soon. cd

McDonald’s is completely shutting down its Russian business operations. Some locations may continue operating without the old name & branding, and will reopen as Gorba-Chef.

Pennsylvania Democrat John Fetterman, candidate for U.S. Senate, was hospitalized after suffering a mild stroke. Republican Dr Mehmet Oz, seeking the GOP nomination, prescribed him green coffee bean extract and acai berries.

Hypotheses are emerging about the cause of mysterious hepatitis cases in children. Right now, the favorite is Lunchables.

A recall was issued for the possiblity of metal strands in bags of Starburst, Skittles & Life Savers gummies. New bags will be relabeled ‘steelies’.

Yale researchers claim to have definitively identified the underlying cause of cancerous tumors, which they announced while smoking cigarettes at noon while shirtless on a sunny beach.

Patients opting for robotic surgery experienced substantially reduced recovery times and readmissions, and nurses appreciated not having to hear human doctors make bad jokes about the patient’s body.

Charleston, South Carolina police were called when residents spotted a six-foot alligator approaching an elementary school. Asked what the gator was doing there, cops said it was waiting for recess to get a free school lunch.

Melania Trump ripped Vogue magazine for bias for never giving her a cover story, while other Democratic first ladies received covers. Melania then rejected an offer for the cover of MILF.

Amber Heard stuck with her story that it was a dog – not her – that pooped in bed, claiming the dog had bowel issues from eating marijuana. Heard said the weed was especially potent, causing her to piss on a fire hydrant and bag her own feces before tossing it in a park trash can.

Travis Scott performed for the Billboard Music Awards. His handlers advised fans not to tell him he ‘crushed’.

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A South Carolina man died of a heart attack while burying the girlfriend he’d killed, in what’s commonly known as a South Carolina Murder-Suicide.

Scientists grew plants in soil collected from the Moon for the first time. Then the NASA cleaning lady forgot to water them so they had to start over.

The first war crimes trial since Russia’s invasion of Ukraine began in Kyiv. The start of the trial was delayed since the Russian defendant found out his first-choice lawyer, Johnnie Cochran, was dead.

President of the United Arab Emirates, Sheikh Khalifa bin Zayed Al Nahyan, died at age 73. A lottery will be held to decide which of his wives attend his funeral, where one will give a eulogy – 80% of which will be time spent saying his name and title.

Kelly Osbourne is pregnant. She’s letting her father Ozzy suggest names, so it’s Jurmuhf for a girl and Mobiffruh for a boy.

Production begins soon on the sixth installment in the Scream horror franchise, tentatively titled Scream 6: Hoarse.

Tom Brady signed a staggering $375 million, 10-year broadcasting deal with Fox Sports to provide commentary during NFL games. Fox also inked Rob Gronkowski to a lesser deal to provide commentary during Women’s Jell-o Wrestling.

Top Gun: Maverick director Joseph Kosinski told an interviewer why Kelly McGillis and Meg Ryan weren’t asked to reprise their roles for the Top Gun sequel, explaining that he saw recent pictures of Kelly McGillis and Meg Ryan.

China’s Mars rover discovered water existed on Mars more recently than experts believe – after the rover got stuck in a water-filled ditch.

Before helping convicted murderer Casey White escape an Alabama prison, accomplice/corrections officer Vicky White purchased sex toys. Lucky for her, Alabama prison stores sell sex toys.

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A woman shared a Tik Tok video of moldy breast implants she had removed in 2020 after they were making her ill. She kept them because her boyfriend still likes to squeeze them while he watches football.

Before fugitive corrections officer Vicky White killed herself with a gunshot to the head, she was overheard on a 911 call complaining that prison escapee Casey White wanted to stay “in a f**kin’ motel”. Casey White was overheard saying he had reward points he needed to use before they expired.

Google Maps is adding detailed “immersive views” of major U.S. cities. Soon, drivers in Chicago & Philadelphia will be able to see their carjacker on a route map.

Andy Dick was arrested and charged with felony sexual battery at a California campground. The bear did not suffer serious injury.

Two million people signed a petition calling for actress Amber Heard to be removed from the upcoming Aquaman 2 movie; but all agree that, even if they do, it’ll still probably suck as much as Aquaman.

The 2022 Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue will feature Kelly Hughes – the first SI model to show off her C-section scar. She joins hundreds of past models who proudly displayed their T and A sections.

North Korea reported its first COVID outbreak, and ordered an immediate lockdown, which is apparently different than the everyday Because-We’re-North-Korea lockdown.

A Tibet Airlines jet caught fire after sliding off the runway during takeoff in China, with all passengers & crew evacuated safely. Meanwhile in the U.S., a Spirit Airlines jet caught fire on takeoff, and all passengers had their snacks upgraded to warm peanuts.

Florida gas prices reached a record high, making it more expensive than ever for retirees to slowly crash their cars into each other.

Madonna released a series of digital NFTs depicting plants and bugs growing out of her vagina. Her gynecologist recommended she start using Summer’s Eve with RoundUp.

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Microsoft will pay travel expenses for employees who want an abortion. Because of pregnant Microsoft employees traveling from Texas, it’s almost impossible to get an appointment at Planned Parenthood of Kauai.

Disgraced celebrity chef Mario Batali was found not guilty of sexual misconduct for groping a woman who asked for a picture with him. He was, however, found guilty on a lesser charge of a-salting his osso buco too much.

Elon Musk said he would reinstate Donald Trump’s Twitter account if he acquires the company. Truth Social CEO Devin Nunes asked him to reconsider.

Concerns over the health of Queen Elizabeth were heightened as Prince Charles gave the Queen’s annual speech to Parliament. Afterward, Charles said the hardest part was fitting in her dress and shoes.

Actor James Cromwell superglued his hand to a Starbucks counter to protest the company charging more for plant-based milk. Employees said he wasn’t exactly a big tipper with his free hand.

The county sheriff of Evansville, Indiana said he couldn’t believe that fugitive murderer Casey White and corrections officer Vicky White stayed for nearly a week in Evansville. His sentiment was echoed by everyone who lives in Evansville.

A new Pew Research study claims few Americans take an “absolutist view” on abortion, with one exception being 17-year-old boys whose condoms break on prom night.

A passenger with “no idea how to fly an airplane” safely landed a Cessna after the pilot became ill and air traffic controllers talked him through it. The passenger spent the next day interviewing for a job with Frontier Airlines.

Viral video shows two beachfront homes in North Carolina’s Outer Banks collapsing into the ocean. Updated Airbnb descriptions now list the two properties as houseboats.

A woman gave birth to a baby during a Metallica concert in Brazil. Meanwhile, six different women got pregnant during a Kid Rock concert in Tennessee.

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Mattel introduced the first-ever Hot Wheels remote-controlled wheelchair toy, modeled after paraplegic daredevil Aaron ‘Wheels’ Fotheringham. The toy jumps ramps and does tricks, but still takes five minutes to get in and out of the remote-controlled van.

Philadelphia public schools will randomly screen students for weapons like handguns and knives. They won’t say where or when, but the school superintendent said they’ll probably focus on days when teachers have Show & Tell.

Fugitive murderer Casey White was captured after a car wreck ended a police chase in Indiana, and his alleged lover – corrections officer Vicky White – died at the hospital. Casey & Vicky: Love On the Run, starring Valerie Bertinelli, premieres on Lifetime this Friday.

Nikki Sixx condemned an unauthorized stage play The Crue: Underneath The Dirt Lies The Truth, which he says uses band trademarks & imagery without permission. Unlike most stage productions, producers cast the Vince Neil role to the worst singer.

Lizzo is introducing Yitty, a new women’s shapewear line. Apparel experts call it “a lot to ask of shapewear”.

Australian police found 110 pounds of cocaine near the body of a diver that had washed up on shore. An autopsy revealed the diver didn’t wait a half-hour after eating lunch before going in the water.

A prison riot in Ecuador left 43 people dead, in what’s being called the Taco Tuesday Massacre.

Jeffery Lamar Williams, 30, aka rapper Young Thug, was arrested for organizing a criminal street gang in his home city of Atlanta. Young Thug will be tried as Adult Defendant.

WNBA players posed for Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. The shoot lasted several hours, following bikini waxing that took several days.

Britney Spears posted a dozen nude photographs on Instagram. Her fiance reminded her that’s not what it means that she has to be seen by an ob/gyn.

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Three guests died from mysterious causes at Sandals resort in the Bahamas. The good news is their funerals are included.

Fred Savage was fired as an Executive Producer & Director from ABC’s The Wonder Years reboot for allegations of inappropriate conduct. He was given the news in a voice-over from actor Daniel Stern.

A German woman was found guilty of ‘stealthing’ after admitting to poking holes in her boyfriend’s condoms in an unsuccessful attempt to get pregnant. The man became suspicious when he had to pull staples out of the condom while putting it on.

Fugitive murderer Casey White and Alabama corrections officer Vicky White remain on the run after a week. Since experts believe Casey White is used to prison food, police in southern states have stakeouts set up at Golden Corral buffets.

Mississippi Governor Tate Reeves said his state is not currently considering bans on contraception such as Plan B pills or IUDs, saying Missippians already have a difficult enough time understanding where babies come from to begin with.

Airbnb CEO Brian Chesky said the company’s employees can work remotely, forever, without losing pay. Chesky reserved the right to reevaluate ‘forever’ in the case of employees who die.

Def Leppard said songs from new album ‘Diamond Star Halos’, will be “strongly represented” during their upcoming tour with Motley Crue. They want fans to have opportunity to buy beer and t-shirts before they play ‘Pour Some Sugar On Me’.

The Penn State Nittany Lion shrine – a lion statue on the main campus – was vandalized during graduation weekend, with its ear broken off and sprayed with red paint. The shrine is decades old, so cops have ruled out Jerry Sandusky touching it.

A new study from Texas A&M shows that working from home has no negative impact on worker productivity – at least as long as you’re at your desk and not in bed or at a matinee.

The New York Times swapped out ‘fetus’ as Monday’s Wordle solution because of the controversy surrounding abortion rights, but said ‘sperm’ was still a decent starting word for the new solution.

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A man on a United Airlines flight opened the exit door and walked on the wing of the plane while it taxied at Chicago O’Hare airport. He was arrested, but flight attendants said he did a great job paying attention to the special exit row passenger instructions.

Google, Apple & Microsoft are teaming up on a system that will let you enter your fingerprint on a smartphone, then visit all your online accounts without a password. Phone thieves will also update their protocols to start cutting off victim’s fingers.

The new White House Press Secretary, Karine Jean-Pierre, is raising conflict-of-interest concerns because she’s gay and in a relationship with a CNN correspondent. Republicans want to break it up but don’t know any out lesbians working at Fox News.

Anaysis of a deceased man who’d received a transplanted pig heart found that the heart had a porcine virus, which may have played a role in the man’s death. That, and the donor pig’s heart was reportedly broken over a recent breakup with a girl pig.

Authorities are piecing together the reasons why corrections officer Vicky White helped convicted killer Casey White break out of an Alabama jail. So far all they’ve come up with is Casey White wanted to get out of jail, and Vicky White wanted to have sex with him.

Motley Crue begins “full-band rehearsals” next week for their summer Stadium Tour. And by “full band”, they include the guy who keeps guitarist Mick Mars from falling over, and the guy who does the singing while Vince Neil lip-syncs.

A viral video shows a 7-year-old girl chugging altar wine at her first communion ceremony, and the priest’s reaction. The priest was angry since the wine was for her 8-year-old brother.

A half-ton of cocaine was found inside coffee bean bags at a Nestle plant in Switzerland. A Nestle spokesperson said the company now feels it has a product to compete with Starbucks.

Jackson, New Jersey will be home to a new 88-acre wave pool for surfers, offering waves up to 6 feet high. The park will create dozens of new jobs for lifeguards and people to retrieve the bodies.

Emira D’Spain – the first black, transgender Victorias Secret model – underwent ‘brazilian butt lift’ surgery. She said it improves her appearance, and gives her more room to tuck stuff back.

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Wildlife officials used jelly donuts to bait a trap for a bear roaming residential neighborhoods in Drexel Hill, Pennsylvania. The bear was captured elsewhere, and the trap caught six on-duty Drexel Hill cops.

Philadelphia 76ers center Joel Embiid is applying for French citizenship, so that he can join France’s national basketball team and sit out the 2024 Summer Olympics with an injury.

A man ran onstage and tackled Dave Chappelle during his performance at the Hollywood Bowl during the Netflix Is A Joke Festival. The security company that staffed the Oscars and the festival said they’re hiring.

Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame inductees for 2022 were announced, including Duran Duran, Pat Benatar & Eurythmics. Another year, another disappointing shutout for Color Me Badd.

Starbucks announced they’ll raise wages for employees, but only if they’re in a non-union store, and only if they spell their name correctly on their tax forms.

Doctors grafted and grew a penis on a man’s arm after he lost his original one due to a blood disease. After six years growing on his arm, it was finally transferred to his groin. He’s happy with the results, but said sucking it is now a lot less convenient. [Story h/t to JTR!!]

Singer Phoebe Bridgers said she had an abortion last October while on tour. A male fan who’d purchased Gold Circle VIP Meet & Greet tickets called it “the best concert ever”.

CVS Pharmacy announced first quarter earnings that topped expectations, in a press release that was really long and offered $5 in ExtraCare Reward Bucks.

Samsung introduced a new 256GB memory card that it claims will record up to 16 years worth of dashcam video – making it easier than ever for state troopers to compile those Best Of DUI compilation videos for the office Christmas party.

A Massachusetts DoorDash driver is credited with helping to save the life of a woman waiting outside for a pizza delivery, who fell and hit her head as her husband slept inside. The woman was rushed to a hospital, and the husband rushed the pizza to the living room.

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Low water levels at Lake Mead reservoir near Las Vegas led to the discovery of human remains stuffed into a barrel. Police say the body had been there since the 1980s, because they found Milli Vanilli tickets in a pants pocket.

Bad news: the U.S. Supreme Court appears poised to overturn Roe v. Wade. Good news: Southwest Airlines announced $99 Super Saver roundtrip airfare from Texas to Newark, New Jersey.

Kim Kardashian supposedly lost 16 pounds to fit into Marilyn Monroe’s dress for the Met Gala, forcing her to show up half-assed.

A woman claimed she was kicked off a Jet Blue flight for being a ‘Trump supporter’, after she was recorded shouting racist and homophobic slurs. Nobody doubted that she’s a Trump supporter.

Vladimir Putin is rumored to be undergoing cancer surgery, opting for that approach versus radiation therapy – sitting in a lawn chair outside of the Chernobyl nuclear plant.

Eugene De Leon, a veteran snake handler, died after a snake bit his face at the Rattlesnake Roundup in Freer, Texas. Organizers mourned the loss of De Leon, and admitted they’d lost count of injuries at the festival petting zoo.

An Arizona woman who lost her leg to cancer in 2001 broke a Guinness World Record by running 102 marathons in 102 days. She is recuperating at home from extreme dizziness after running nearly 2,700 miles in a circle.

LPGA pro golfer Lydia Ko surprised a a Golf Channel interviewer who’d asked about her back tightness by telling him she was having her period. Ko placed third in the tournament, shooting 1-under-par to finish her final round in the red.

A new report claims the processing power of Meta’s upcoming virtual reality headset – the successor to Oculus Quest – makes it a “laptop for your face”. Even better, it’s harder to mess up while watching porn.

Apple employees at the company’s Cupertino, California headquarters submitted an open letter criticizing a policy which only allows them to work-from-home two days per week. “Cry me a river” said the teenagers and moms asssembling iPhones.