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Facebook announced it’s cracking down on personality quizzes, because Mark Zuckerberg keeps failing them.

North Korea billed the United States $2 million for the care of deceased political prisoner Otto Warmbier for the period he was comatose in a North Korean jail. And that’s just the copay.

Aides to former New Jersey Governor Chris Christie were sentenced to prison for their roles in ‘Bridgegate’ – shutting down lanes of the George Washington Bridge out of spite against Christie’s rivals. Christie claimed to have no part in shutting down bridge lanes, saying he was busy closing his arteries.

In a People magazine story, friends of Lori Loughlin say she’s concerned her role in the Operation Varsity Blues sting will ruin her reputation, presumably among those who have never seen her act.

An aggressive squirrel has reportedly attacked “at least” five people in Seattle’s Prospect Park. Meaning, five people are big enough pussies to admit being attacked by a squirrel, and others are proud enough to keep it to themselves. [h/t to J.L.]

A Florida man is lucky to be alive after cutting his hand with a fishing hook and contracting ‘necrotizing fasciitis’ – flesh-eating bacteria that almost caused him to lose his arm or kill him. Meanwhile, his family called the fish they ate for dinner as “not great”.

Emirati woman Munira Abdulla awoke after being in a coma since a car accident in 1991. Her first words after 27 years were “shave my legs”.

BuzzFeed shared an article listing the best times to take a 3-minute bathroom break during the 3-hour long Avengers: Endgame. They suggest “anytime” once you’ve downloaded a bootlegged copy and paused it.

A Pittsburgh-area woman with a restraining order against her abusive ex-boyfriend discovered that he’d been secretly living in her attic for weeks. She told police that she had suspicions, with clues including the toilet seat left up, missing blankets, and a really smelly attic.

The Internal Revenue Service has designated the Satanic Temple in Salem, Massachusetts as a tax-exempt church, so good luck getting Donald Trump to pay taxes on Mar-A-Lago.

 

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A 70-year-old woman fell to her death off the rim of the Grand Canyon, the 4th such fatality this year. It’s gotten so bad, prairie dogs are warning each other to look up before they scamper across the canyon floor.

A Nebraska man being transported via ambulance with an irregular heartbeat had a normal heart rhythm restored when the ambulance hit a pothole. So, since potholes are health care now, cities are charging $30,000 each to dig them.

A Harvard study claims that Propionate, a preservative found in commercial baked goods, harms insulin levels, leading to weight gain and diabetes. Researchers conclude it’s either the Propionate, or eating whole grocery-store sheet cakes in one sitting.

The 2019 NCAA Women’s basketball champion Baylor Bears will visit the White House — the first female team and first basketball team to do so under the Trump Administration. The White House is thrilled because it will be the least-expensive team visit – there are only 12 of them, and there’s already a ton of Diet Coke lying around.

New Zealand announced a nationwide ban on plastic bags, and erected a statue in the capital of Wellington paying tribute to native alcoholics’ tradition of drinking from paper bags.

A parrot was taken into custody by Brazilian police, after playing lookout for crack dealers and shouting “Mamãe, policia!” (Mama, police!) as cops approached. The bird is being held without bail as officials search for a talking lawyer parrot to represent him.

A woman was arrested after being removed from a Frontier Airlines flight from Las Vegas to North Carolina, after complaining about vomit on her daughter’s seat. Frontier defended their actions, claiming they offered to upgrade the mother and daughter to seats with urine on them.

3M, maker of Scotch Tape and Post-Its, is cutting 2,000 jobs. They say the move will save them $250 million annually in salary & benefit costs, and about $100 million in stolen office supplies.

Convicted sex offender Bill Cosby is requesting release on bail as he files an appeal. Meanwhile, Pennsylvania may just have the legally-blind Cosby wear civilian clothes, drive him around for 45 minutes, then put him back in his cell saying “you’re home!”

April 27th is the Drug Enforcement Agency’s “Prescription Drug Take-Back Day”, where you can safely return unused prescription medication. The DEA advises you to find official dropoff sites, and not to give the pills to kids collecting them in car trunks, wheelbarrows and Radio Flyer wagons.

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A Houston high school issued a dress code for parents visiting the school. Parents entering the school are not allowed to wear leggings that make their buttocks visible, or “Daisy Duke” short-shorts. The rules do not apply to math teachers.

A 35-year-old woman fell into a meat grinder Tuesday morning in Lycoming County, Pennsylvania. She was pronounced dead a short time later, then was pronounced ‘sausage’.

LEGO announced that they will introduce Braille Bricks so blind children can slice open their parents’ feet.

Movie theater chains are planning to remain open around the clock to accommodate demand to see ‘Avengers: Endgame’. Parents call the move “truly affordable daycare”.

Police in suburban Philadelphia are seeking the ‘Red Bull Bandit’ – a man who carries an empty backpack into stores, fills it with Red Bull, then leaves without paying. He is described as a 20-to-30 year old white male and ‘jumpy’.

United Airlines showed off its new ‘livery’ or aircraft branding. It’s a large, blue font with UNITED spelled out across the fuselage, and the tail adorned with silhouettes of a passenger being dragged up the aisle, or a guitar being smashed by a baggage handler.

President Trump tweeted that the New York Times would need to kneel down and beg his forgiveness over their coverage of the Mueller Report.  In the event they decide to kneel and beg, the President offered free instructions from his son Eric.

McDonald’s is partnering with AARP to hire older Americans to work breakfast & lunch shifts, when younger workers aren’t as available. The AARP is partnering with the American Heart Association to keep the new workers from eating the food.

Meghan Markle announced plans to take three months’ maternity leave after the arrival of her & Prince Harry’s baby. Presumably, she needs the time to do something even less than nothing.

Patricia Hill, 69, of Pine Bluff, Arkansas, was convicted of murdering her husband, shooting him after he subscribed to a pornography channel. As she awaits sentencing, her cable provider is working with her to find a different entertainment package.

Martha Stewart addressed the Operation Varsity Blues college admission scandal, saying she feels sorry for Lori Loughlin and Felicity Huffman. Stewart, who served jail time for insider trading, did advise Loughlin & Huffman that if they go to prison, to find the biggest, toughest woman in the cell block and make them a lemon tart.

 

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“Nobody disobeys my orders.” said President Trump, unironically, as the Easter Bunny showed up a day late for a children’s egg-rolling party Monday at the White House.

The TSA is being criticized for airport scanners giving ‘false positive’ responses to black women’s hair, forcing TSA agents to perform hand searches of afros, braids & twists. Separately, Homeland Security has stepped up efforts to thwart explosive devices packed with Jheri Curl activator.

An East St. Louis police officer pulled over a 22-year-old driver who was late for a job interview at FedEx. Instead of issuing tickets, the officer gave him a ride to his interview. The young man got the job, and the cop agreed to meet him later to beat him.

CNN aired a five-hour Democratic Presidential Candidate Town Hall session featuring five candidates: Amy Klobuchar, Elizabeth Warren, Kamala Harris, Bernie Sanders & Pete Buttigieg. The town hall was filled up with the remaining dozens of Democratic presidential candidates.

A USA Today investigation revealed multiple patients died at discount plastic surgery clinics in Florida operated by convicted felons. Worse, the failed Brazilian Butt Lifts they received required them to get taller caskets.

Disneyland is limiting opening day visits to the new Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge exhibits to four hours —  unless, of course, you Force them to let you stay longer.

300 teens were involved in a massive brawl at the Camp Snoopy section at Worlds Of Fun theme park in Kansas City, Missouri. Police officers were unable to make arrests until the dust settled once a fist-swinging Pigpen was handcuffed.

You’ll be able to return Amazon packages to any Kohl’s store starting in July. For the next two months, experienced Amazon workers will be training Kohl’s employees how to deactivate their large intestine and urinate in bottles.

Lawyers for Robert Kraft claim Florida police have already leaked the video of Kraft receiving sex acts at a massage parlor, adding that Robert Kraft Leaks is also the title of the video.

A 1,500-year-old chunk of fossilized human poop unearthed in Texas contains evidence that a hunter-gatherer consumed an entire rattlesnake, fangs included. Next to it, they found a note chiseled on a rock suggesting they try something different for dinner tomorrow.

 

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Washington state could become the first state in the U.S. to allow human composting. It’s unclear how many people will do it, since the procedure costs $5,500 –  in addition to an arm and a leg.

A 2-year-old will undergo STD testing after finding, and playing with, a used condom in the dining area of a McDonald’s restaurant in Australia. Health officials are also examining the purple semen found inside the condom.

A consumer advocacy group is suing the Department of Agriculture for continuing to certify chicken for human consumption that contains fecal bacteria. “And not just at Chipotle” said the lawsuit.

Botswana unveiled a large, near-flawless 20.46 carat blue diamond to rival the legendary Hope Diamond in size and purity. Botswana officials thanked diamond miners for their blood, sweat, more blood, and …well, mostly blood fighting to bring the diamond out.

Kim Kardashian said she would never bribe elite colleges to accept her children, when the kids could just advance their careers with a homemade porno movie.

A new study out of Britain finds that dog ownership is good for fitness, with dog owners more likely to get the recommended amount of exercise. The study also finds that dog ownership is risky for neighborhood friendships, since you’re more likely to wave at people with a bag of poop in your hands.

President Trump tweeted condolences for the victims of terror bombings in Sri Lanka, claiming that “138 million” people died. Trump later said he confused the number of Sri Lankans who died with the number of Americans citing his presidency wishing they were dead.

Following his team’s elimination in the Stanley Cup Playoffs, Winnipeg Jets captain Blake Wheeler told a reporter asking what went wrong to “f**k off”. Wheeler also added “please”, in keeping with Canadians’ reputation for common courtesy.

Uber & Lyft are implementing new features in response to public outcry over rideshare safety. In addition to verifying the driver & vehicle, riders will be notified via the respective apps when drivers plan to commit a crime.

Senator Elizabeth Warren is proposing the cancellation of $640 billion in student debt. The $640 billion is the combined historic revenue of Devry, ITT Tech, Strayer & University of Phoenix.

 

 

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New York City police arrested a man with gasoline cans & lighters inside of St Patrick’s Cathedral. The man said he was just trying to bring a little bit of Paris to the Big Apple.

The Weather Channel was knocked off the airwaves Thursday morning by what it claims was a “malicious software attack”. They promptly dispatched Jim Cantore to their I.T. department to give live reports from the center of the software storm.

Dashcam video from Montana showed a beaver dragging a large tree branch across a busy highway at night. Once the beaver delivered the branch to the site of a new dam, he returned to his day job as Mayor of the Montana town where he lives.

Comcast and T-Mobile announced a joint effort to cut down on the number of robocalls received by customers on their networks, it involves dropping the robocalls just like the rest of them.

Tech journalists’ review samples of the $2,000 Samsung Galaxy Fold – the first smartphone with a folding display – are breaking. The failures are troubling, but reviewers liked that you can fold the phone closed to extinguish it when it catches fire.

Barnes & Noble announced users of its Nook e*reader & app can download free copies of the Mueller Report – an announcement greeted with indifference by the eight people using the Nook e*reader or app.

Jenny Mollen and Jason Biggs shared that she dropped their son Sid on his head, fracturing his skull. This followed a months-old post saying their other son, Lazlo, was bitten by a dog. Both boys are fine. Their nanny describes her job as “pretty hands off.”

A new study found gluten in 32% of restaurant food labeled ‘gluten free’. “See, this is why we don’t even try” said an Arby’s spokesman.

New York City’s population dipped for the first time in a decade, according to government estimates. Reasons include lower international immigration, and the inability to count people stuck on late subway trains.

Multiple McDonald’s customers in Lyons, New York claimed to have found worms at the bottom of their soft drink cups – thus ending the secret trial of McDonald’s new McQuila.

 

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A 41-year-old California woman was arrested and charged for having sex with her daughter’s underage teen boyfriends. She avoided jail time, telling the presiding judge she thought this was how you become a high school math teacher.

A 22-year-old man died outside of a Chuck E Cheese in Alabama while changing his daughter’s diaper, when a loaded gun inside of the diaper bag fired, hitting him in the chest. A GoFundMe set up for the daughter has collected 10,000 Chuck E. Cheese tickets.

Beyonce released a new live album to coincide with ‘Homecoming’, the Netflix documentary of her 2018 Coachella performance. Critics are either raving about it, or avoiding being verbally beaten into submission by her fans on social media.

The NFL releases its 2019 schedule Wednesday night. On Thursday morning, Orchids of Asia Day Spa releases updated hours once they see which weekend the Patriots visit Florida to play the Dolphins.

The FDA has halted all use of transvaginal mesh in surgical procedures for women, and is also expected to ban transvaginal drywall.

An artist for the video game ‘Assassin’s Creed Unity’ claims detailed 3D drawings created for the game could help with the post-fire reconstruction of Notre Dame Cathedral. The Israeli Space Agency is checking to see if its destroyed Beresheet lunar lander could be rebuilt using artwork from Super Mario Galaxy.

Presidential hopeful Pete Buttigieg was heckled at a rally in Iowa. Buttigieg, who is gay, heard shouts of “remember Sodom and Gomorrah!” — referencing both the Bible, and Joe Sodom & Floyd Gomorrah who are seeking the Libertarian ticket nomination in 2020.

ADHD diagnoses have risen 30% over the past eight years. Noting the climb in obesity rates over the same span, doctors say the attention deficits are concerning, but the hyperactivity?…not so much.

President Trump announced that he’ll present Tiger Woods with the Presidential Medal of Freedom, commemorating Woods’ presidential traits of playing lots of golf and banging porn stars behind his wife’s back.

Time Magazine shocked observers by naming both Brett Kavanaugh and Christine Blasey Ford – who accused Kavanaugh of sexual assault – to the Time 100 list of ‘most influential people’. Following them on the list was the woman who coined the phrase “I just can’t even right now.”

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The centuries-old Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris suffered extensive damage in a massive fire. The Catholic Church said they’ll rebuild while conceding it’ll be a lot tougher than 850 years ago finding slaves to do the work.

  • President Trump tweeted during the blaze that Parisian firefighters should consider flying water tankers to extinguish it. That plan was never enacted due to the potential collateral damage soaking nearby bakeries & pastry shops.
  • Students from Leonia High School in New Jersey were at the historic cathedral just minutes before the fire. After the fire started, they said it reminded them of home.

An Israeli man on a fundraising tour through Orthodox Jewish communities in U.S. cities infected 39 different people with the measles. The man has been hospitalized and is receiving the largest chicken soup infusion ever.

Google researched employees to find what its best teams do to stay happy. They found 3 things: Allowing mindless chatter; switching times of recurring meetings; & active listening. A fourth thing, rolling in piles of money from selling Google stock, was common to all teams, not just the best ones.

Senator Bernie Sanders appeared in a Fox News ‘Town Hall’ meeting in his home state of Vermont. Sanders was cheered by the crowd when he discussed his ‘Medicaid For All’ plan, then was cheered louder when discussing anything related to maple syrup.

Seattle Seahawks QB Russell Wilson became the highest-paid player in NFL history, signing a contract paying $140 million over the next four years. His salary averages out to $35 million per season, or just over $2 million per concussion.

Lawyers for Robert Kraft appeared in a Florida courtroom, saying the police report that describes spa employees “manipulating Kraft’s penis” is so graphic that releasing video is unnecessary. The video has been requested by news agencies, and by other massage parlors for new-hire orientation training.

An Australian couple stranded 26 hours in crocodile-infested waters was rescued after etching “HELP” in mud that could be seen from the air. Rescuers persisted, even after the crocodiles had etched “NEVERMIND” in the mud below the original note.

Leaked clips of ‘Avengers: Endgame’ circulated on social media, angering superfans who don’t want to know that Captain America dies breaking up a catfight between Black Widow and Captain Marvel.

A Florida man was arrested for using a squirt gun to shoot his urine at a woman walking her dog past his home. He admitted to police that the gun contained his urine, but later denied it when attempting to return the gun to Five Below.

  • “Sure, why not?” was the reply when a reporter asked an NRA spokesman if they supported his actions.

Lori Loughlin and husband Mossimo Giannulli pleaded not guilty to felony charges of mail fraud and money laundering in the Operation Varsity Blues scandal. Through attorneys, they look forward to the last two minutes of a fair trial where everyone has learned a valuable lesson.

 

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Today is Tax Day, the last day to submit your federal, state & local income tax returns. It combines the one thing Americans aren’t very good at – math – with the other thing they are very good at — lying.

Tiger Woods won The Masters on Sunday, his first major championship win in 10 years – capping off a remarkable recovery from a near-career-ending bout with sex addiction.

The White House is evaluating transporting illegal immigrants to so-called sanctuary cities throughout the country. The policy projects to be a huge win for the owners of Megabus and the owners of children who didn’t think they could afford a nanny.

A Scandinavian Airlines flight landed 65 miles away from its target destination because of a GPS error. It turns out the pilot set Google Maps for ‘walking’ directions by mistake.

A 29-year-old man crashed his car, stripped naked, then went into a Palmdale, California McDonald’s and stabbed an 88-year-old man eating with his grandson before being shot dead by a security guard. “Some Happy Meal” said the grandson.

  • Patrons were shaken by the incident, and just as shaken to learn that McDonald’s has armed security guards.

A 21-year-old construction worker in India survived after a length of cast iron ‘rebar’ pierced both sides of his skull. Surgeons removed the bar without inflicting damage, after deciding against pouring concrete around it and leaving it there.

Lucasfilm CEO Kathleen Kennedy said that, after the release of ‘The Rise of Skywalker’ in December, there will be a break in release of Star Wars films. She’s meeting with ‘Game of Thrones’ creators David Benioff & D.B. Weiss to shape the next decade of stories, which will apparently have lots more nudity and bloody death.

The Coast Guard evacuated a 71-year-old woman a Royal Caribbean cruise ship after she showed heart attack symptoms. She was removed along with three family members, but medics refused her request to bring a to-go box from the seafood buffet.

Samantha Cerio, the Auburn University gymnast who dislocated both knees in a tumbling routine shared millions of times in a viral video, said she hopes to walk down the aisle at her summer wedding. Her fiancee said so long as she scores a 9.0 or higher on the walk, he’ll go through with it.

The Department of Justice will release the complete report from Special Counsel Robert Mueller on Thursday. Democrats are hoping to schedule a crucifixion on Friday.

 

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Bank of America announced it’s raising the minimum wage for employees to $20/hour, except for the dwarfs that live & work inside of its ATMs.

Disney planned to preview its new streaming service to investors, promising to deliver fan favorites like Star Wars & Marvel movies, Pixar animated features, and a lot of really old racist shit.

Bed, Bath & Beyond is closing 40 stores – or beyond.

The Food & Drug Administration approved a new treatment for postpartum depression, called ‘two weeks at grandma’s’.

The White House reportedly wanted detained illegal immigrants released to U.S. “sanctuary cities” to retaliate against Trump’s political foes. The plan backfired when immigrants agreed to return to their war-torn countries instead of risking living in sanctuary city Camden, New Jersey.

Julian Assange was arrested after living in asylum in Ecuador’s London Embassy for seven years. Ecuador said it ended his stay because of improper behavior – accusing him of spying, leaving dishes in the sink and not paying his share of the cable bill.

Upstart professional football league XFL may allow two forward passes on the same play, as long as the ball remains behind the line of scrimmage, and provided they’re not bankrupt after starting play in February, 2020 .

CNN reports that actress Lori Loughlin still isn’t ready to enter a plea deal as a result of mail fraud and money laundering charges from Operation Varsity Blues – saying she thinks bribing colleges is something “any mother would do”, provided they have millions of dollars and a daughter who’s an idiot.

Between 1995 and 2015, the number of kids under age 6 treated for swallowing toys, coins & batteries nearly doubled from 22,000 to 43,000. Doctors are concerned about the toys & batteries, but parents enjoy the modest payout from coins found potty training.

Reality star Kristin Cavallari said her on her E! show ‘Very Cavallari’ that her husband – retired NFL QB Jay Cutler – unclogged her milk ducts by sucking her breasts really hard. It’s the hardest Cutler has sucked since that season with the Miami Dolphins.