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Sports betting service Fanduel announced they’ll start charging a monthly fee for inactive accounts. Fanduel says if you’re going to gamble, you’d better be compulsive about it.

CVS is closing 48 stores. The company issued a list of the stores along with five pages of coupons.

Attorney General William Barr refused to appear before the House Judiciary Committee to answer questions about the Mueller Report, objecting to the proposed format of questions asked by highly-trained lawyers, instead of barely-trained Congressmen.

Former FBI Director James Comey penned an op-ed for The New York Times, saying President Trump has ‘eaten William Barr’s soul’. Barr dismissed it, saying that while a lot of him is made of Kentucky Fried Chicken and Big Macs, his soul isn’t.

Following a game against the Arizona Diamondbacks, the New York Yankees removed two Arizona sheriff’s deputies working security with a K-9 unit from the team’s locker room, because they asked Yankees players for autographs. “Fine, but don’t you want to know where the drugs are?” said a police dog.

Police responded to shots fired at a family Easter dinner in Virginia, where men argued over which truck was better: Ford or Chevy. Mark Turner, 56, shot his daughter’s boyfriend, who police found lying on the ground….like a rock.

Florida legislators passed a bill where schools can opt-in to a program permitting classroom teachers to carry guns. Guns are already in widespread use among Florida gym teachers to get kids to run laps.

Moviegoers seeing Avengers:Endgame at an AMC theater in California may have been exposed to measles. Health officials spotted people with red Dots they got at the concession stand.

A U.K. study found high levels of cocaine in freshwater shrimp, and diners having difficulty eating their shrimp cocktail waiting for it to hold still.

A cruise ship owned by the Church of Scientology is quarantined in St. Lucia, based on reports that one or more passengers is infected with measles. Health officials are waiting to see if they go clear.

 

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Obesity is now linked to 13 different types of cancer. And, probably a few more once doctors move some stuff around and find it in there.

  • Obesity is now poised to overtake smoking as the leading preventable cause of cancer. Though doctors say patients with obesity-related cancers are easier to talk to than patients with smoking-related cancers, becuase their breath is better.

Robert Mueller reportedly sent a letter to William Barr expressing his displeasure with Barr’s initial summary of Mueller’s report. Mueller attempted to call him but was greeted with “New AG who dis?”

Kentucky’s Teacher of the Year failed to appear at a White House event honoring teachers. She claimed it was in protest to the Administration’s bias against public schools, and because she missed her bus.

The FDA is issuing a new warning about sleep drugs such as Ambien, saying people taking them have been known to sleepwalk, sleepdrive & sleepcook. The warning is sleep drugs may make you more productive in your sleep than you are when you’re awake.

12 Major League Baseball teams have shown year-over-year drops in attendance so far in 2019. Fans in declining cities say if they want to sit in the cold for three boring hours watching losers, they can go to their kids’ soccer games for free.

Surveillance video emerged of Crystal Smith, a Kansas elementary school teacher, kicking a 5-year-old lying on the floor of the school library. Smith was fired and said the child wasn’t much help finding her contact lens.

Two water-filled test dummies flew off an Ocean City, New Jersey roller coaster during a trial run, landing on a hotel below. Operators say the ride is safe, and that they run tests with wet dummies because New Jersey vacationers like to ride the coaster after swimming.

Before Vice President Mike Pence arrived on the USS Harry Truman, the ship’s Master Chief instructed sailors on board to “clap like we’re at a strip club.” He then added “gay strip club” — and Pence started furiously clapping for himself.

A 30-year-old music teacher at a Catholic high school in suburban Philadelphia has been charged with sexual conduct with a student. He is expected to plead guilty and enter a diversion program where he becomes a Catholic priest.

Disney’s full-park smoking ban went into effect on Wednesday – smoking is no longer permitted on the grounds of any Disney theme park. Chip & Dale, Huey, Dewey & Louie all announced they’re switching to Juul.

 

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President Trump toughened rules for immigrants seeking asylum in the United States, including adding an application fee. Critics are angry because immigrants typically don’t have the money to pay, and because the fees go to Barron Trump’s Venmo account.

NASA is conducting a trial exercise where a giant asteroid strikes Earth, wiping out an entire city. So far none of the nerdy male NASA engineers has been able to convince a hot woman scientist to have sex with them because Houston will be wiped out, anyway.

Erin Heatherton, 30, a former Victoria’s Secret model, declared bankruptcy, citing just over $6,000 in assets and well over $500,000 in debt.  She’s seeking a court-appointed assistant to sort through Sugar Daddy applications from various creeps.

Three-time Pro Bowl RB Jamaal Charles will officially retire as a member of the Kansas City Chiefs, despite never following in the team’s recent tradition of committing some sort of shockingly violent crime.

Tesla is cutting the price of its home solar energy panels to spur adoption, as cities prepare for a wave of environmentally-conscious do-it-yourselfers falling off of roofs.

United Kingdom bookmakers Ladbrokes say the odds-on favorites for the name of Meghan Markle & Prince Harry’s baby are ‘Grace’ and ‘Diana’, while the longest odds are being offered for ‘Dakota’ and ‘Melania’.

Starting in 2020, residents of England must opt out to keep organs from being harvested for transplant after death. Although some proposals seek to exclude certain body parts from automatic donation, including genitals, unless of course it’s a guy’s, huge, and would really make the recipient’s day.

The Indian Army claims to have seen the footprint of a Yeti near the base camp of Makalu, near the border of Nepal and Tibet. The footprint measures 32 inches long, 15 inches wide, and apparently was able to find Crocs in its size.

Kohl’s CEO Michelle Gass said the company has “not done our job” connecting with millennials, saying they’re still struggling to find the right segment of millennials that want to dress like 45-year-old moms.

Mark Zuckerberg said he invented a “sleep box” to help his wife, Priscilla, get enough sleep while the couple raise two young children.  The box is large enough to hold the children and both of their nannies.

 

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Researchers developed a virtual reality video game, Sea Hero Quest, that they claim detects Alzheimer’s disease. In the game, players navigate a virtual boat. Those with early-stage Alzheimer’s do a poor job navigating the boat to checkpoints. Those with really bad Alzheimer’s drown.

Amazon is upgrading Amazon Prime from free two-day shipping to free one-day shipping, so customers can have packages stolen in half the time.

The U.S. Navy fired Rear Admiral John Ring, Commander of Guantanamo Bay prison, for “loss of confidence in his ability to command”. Ring accepted the decision, but said he’s going to continue looking for those missing cell keys.

The National Rifle Association is in a power struggle, with longtime executive Wayne LaPierre accusing outgoing President Oliver North of trying to get him fired. Members don’t understand why the two can’t just settle their differences with guns.

Burger King plans to roll out the meatless Impossible Whopper to all of its U.S. restaurants after a successful test run. Diners said they wanted an option that allowed them to take a break from meat, without resorting to eating at Arby’s.

Fishermen off Norway’s coast spotted a beluga whale wearing a harness equipped with mounts for GoPro cameras. They think the whale may have been trained by Russians, based on markings on the harness, and seeing Russian sailors’ heads peeking out of the whale’s blowhole.

According to a CNN tracker, President Donald Trump surpassed 10,000 lies told while in office – clearing the bar Friday when telling birthday girl Melania “you look prettier than the day I met you.”

Lee Stowell, a 54-year-old woman and former securities salesperson at Cantor Fitzgerald, is suing the firm and her coworkers for harassment, including putting feces in her Bernie Sanders coffee mug. The firm denies the allegations, and said they just have really lousy coffee.

A 44-year-old Baltimore woman received the first-ever transplanted kidney delivered by aerial drone to her hospital. Five other recipients are still waiting while their donor organs are retrieved from drones stuck in trees and on roofs.

Canadian users of the McDonald’s app allege they’re being hacked and being applied fradulent charges for food they never ordered. McDonald’s said they believe their app is secure, and that users should change their password to something other than Grimace.

 

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Facebook announced it’s cracking down on personality quizzes, because Mark Zuckerberg keeps failing them.

North Korea billed the United States $2 million for the care of deceased political prisoner Otto Warmbier for the period he was comatose in a North Korean jail. And that’s just the copay.

Aides to former New Jersey Governor Chris Christie were sentenced to prison for their roles in ‘Bridgegate’ – shutting down lanes of the George Washington Bridge out of spite against Christie’s rivals. Christie claimed to have no part in shutting down bridge lanes, saying he was busy closing his arteries.

In a People magazine story, friends of Lori Loughlin say she’s concerned her role in the Operation Varsity Blues sting will ruin her reputation, presumably among those who have never seen her act.

An aggressive squirrel has reportedly attacked “at least” five people in Seattle’s Prospect Park. Meaning, five people are big enough pussies to admit being attacked by a squirrel, and others are proud enough to keep it to themselves. [h/t to J.L.]

A Florida man is lucky to be alive after cutting his hand with a fishing hook and contracting ‘necrotizing fasciitis’ – flesh-eating bacteria that almost caused him to lose his arm or kill him. Meanwhile, his family called the fish they ate for dinner as “not great”.

Emirati woman Munira Abdulla awoke after being in a coma since a car accident in 1991. Her first words after 27 years were “shave my legs”.

BuzzFeed shared an article listing the best times to take a 3-minute bathroom break during the 3-hour long Avengers: Endgame. They suggest “anytime” once you’ve downloaded a bootlegged copy and paused it.

A Pittsburgh-area woman with a restraining order against her abusive ex-boyfriend discovered that he’d been secretly living in her attic for weeks. She told police that she had suspicions, with clues including the toilet seat left up, missing blankets, and a really smelly attic.

The Internal Revenue Service has designated the Satanic Temple in Salem, Massachusetts as a tax-exempt church, so good luck getting Donald Trump to pay taxes on Mar-A-Lago.

 

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A 70-year-old woman fell to her death off the rim of the Grand Canyon, the 4th such fatality this year. It’s gotten so bad, prairie dogs are warning each other to look up before they scamper across the canyon floor.

A Nebraska man being transported via ambulance with an irregular heartbeat had a normal heart rhythm restored when the ambulance hit a pothole. So, since potholes are health care now, cities are charging $30,000 each to dig them.

A Harvard study claims that Propionate, a preservative found in commercial baked goods, harms insulin levels, leading to weight gain and diabetes. Researchers conclude it’s either the Propionate, or eating whole grocery-store sheet cakes in one sitting.

The 2019 NCAA Women’s basketball champion Baylor Bears will visit the White House — the first female team and first basketball team to do so under the Trump Administration. The White House is thrilled because it will be the least-expensive team visit – there are only 12 of them, and there’s already a ton of Diet Coke lying around.

New Zealand announced a nationwide ban on plastic bags, and erected a statue in the capital of Wellington paying tribute to native alcoholics’ tradition of drinking from paper bags.

A parrot was taken into custody by Brazilian police, after playing lookout for crack dealers and shouting “Mamãe, policia!” (Mama, police!) as cops approached. The bird is being held without bail as officials search for a talking lawyer parrot to represent him.

A woman was arrested after being removed from a Frontier Airlines flight from Las Vegas to North Carolina, after complaining about vomit on her daughter’s seat. Frontier defended their actions, claiming they offered to upgrade the mother and daughter to seats with urine on them.

3M, maker of Scotch Tape and Post-Its, is cutting 2,000 jobs. They say the move will save them $250 million annually in salary & benefit costs, and about $100 million in stolen office supplies.

Convicted sex offender Bill Cosby is requesting release on bail as he files an appeal. Meanwhile, Pennsylvania may just have the legally-blind Cosby wear civilian clothes, drive him around for 45 minutes, then put him back in his cell saying “you’re home!”

April 27th is the Drug Enforcement Agency’s “Prescription Drug Take-Back Day”, where you can safely return unused prescription medication. The DEA advises you to find official dropoff sites, and not to give the pills to kids collecting them in car trunks, wheelbarrows and Radio Flyer wagons.

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A Houston high school issued a dress code for parents visiting the school. Parents entering the school are not allowed to wear leggings that make their buttocks visible, or “Daisy Duke” short-shorts. The rules do not apply to math teachers.

A 35-year-old woman fell into a meat grinder Tuesday morning in Lycoming County, Pennsylvania. She was pronounced dead a short time later, then was pronounced ‘sausage’.

LEGO announced that they will introduce Braille Bricks so blind children can slice open their parents’ feet.

Movie theater chains are planning to remain open around the clock to accommodate demand to see ‘Avengers: Endgame’. Parents call the move “truly affordable daycare”.

Police in suburban Philadelphia are seeking the ‘Red Bull Bandit’ – a man who carries an empty backpack into stores, fills it with Red Bull, then leaves without paying. He is described as a 20-to-30 year old white male and ‘jumpy’.

United Airlines showed off its new ‘livery’ or aircraft branding. It’s a large, blue font with UNITED spelled out across the fuselage, and the tail adorned with silhouettes of a passenger being dragged up the aisle, or a guitar being smashed by a baggage handler.

President Trump tweeted that the New York Times would need to kneel down and beg his forgiveness over their coverage of the Mueller Report.  In the event they decide to kneel and beg, the President offered free instructions from his son Eric.

McDonald’s is partnering with AARP to hire older Americans to work breakfast & lunch shifts, when younger workers aren’t as available. The AARP is partnering with the American Heart Association to keep the new workers from eating the food.

Meghan Markle announced plans to take three months’ maternity leave after the arrival of her & Prince Harry’s baby. Presumably, she needs the time to do something even less than nothing.

Patricia Hill, 69, of Pine Bluff, Arkansas, was convicted of murdering her husband, shooting him after he subscribed to a pornography channel. As she awaits sentencing, her cable provider is working with her to find a different entertainment package.

Martha Stewart addressed the Operation Varsity Blues college admission scandal, saying she feels sorry for Lori Loughlin and Felicity Huffman. Stewart, who served jail time for insider trading, did advise Loughlin & Huffman that if they go to prison, to find the biggest, toughest woman in the cell block and make them a lemon tart.

 

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“Nobody disobeys my orders.” said President Trump, unironically, as the Easter Bunny showed up a day late for a children’s egg-rolling party Monday at the White House.

The TSA is being criticized for airport scanners giving ‘false positive’ responses to black women’s hair, forcing TSA agents to perform hand searches of afros, braids & twists. Separately, Homeland Security has stepped up efforts to thwart explosive devices packed with Jheri Curl activator.

An East St. Louis police officer pulled over a 22-year-old driver who was late for a job interview at FedEx. Instead of issuing tickets, the officer gave him a ride to his interview. The young man got the job, and the cop agreed to meet him later to beat him.

CNN aired a five-hour Democratic Presidential Candidate Town Hall session featuring five candidates: Amy Klobuchar, Elizabeth Warren, Kamala Harris, Bernie Sanders & Pete Buttigieg. The town hall was filled up with the remaining dozens of Democratic presidential candidates.

A USA Today investigation revealed multiple patients died at discount plastic surgery clinics in Florida operated by convicted felons. Worse, the failed Brazilian Butt Lifts they received required them to get taller caskets.

Disneyland is limiting opening day visits to the new Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge exhibits to four hours —  unless, of course, you Force them to let you stay longer.

300 teens were involved in a massive brawl at the Camp Snoopy section at Worlds Of Fun theme park in Kansas City, Missouri. Police officers were unable to make arrests until the dust settled once a fist-swinging Pigpen was handcuffed.

You’ll be able to return Amazon packages to any Kohl’s store starting in July. For the next two months, experienced Amazon workers will be training Kohl’s employees how to deactivate their large intestine and urinate in bottles.

Lawyers for Robert Kraft claim Florida police have already leaked the video of Kraft receiving sex acts at a massage parlor, adding that Robert Kraft Leaks is also the title of the video.

A 1,500-year-old chunk of fossilized human poop unearthed in Texas contains evidence that a hunter-gatherer consumed an entire rattlesnake, fangs included. Next to it, they found a note chiseled on a rock suggesting they try something different for dinner tomorrow.

 

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Washington state could become the first state in the U.S. to allow human composting. It’s unclear how many people will do it, since the procedure costs $5,500 –  in addition to an arm and a leg.

A 2-year-old will undergo STD testing after finding, and playing with, a used condom in the dining area of a McDonald’s restaurant in Australia. Health officials are also examining the purple semen found inside the condom.

A consumer advocacy group is suing the Department of Agriculture for continuing to certify chicken for human consumption that contains fecal bacteria. “And not just at Chipotle” said the lawsuit.

Botswana unveiled a large, near-flawless 20.46 carat blue diamond to rival the legendary Hope Diamond in size and purity. Botswana officials thanked diamond miners for their blood, sweat, more blood, and …well, mostly blood fighting to bring the diamond out.

Kim Kardashian said she would never bribe elite colleges to accept her children, when the kids could just advance their careers with a homemade porno movie.

A new study out of Britain finds that dog ownership is good for fitness, with dog owners more likely to get the recommended amount of exercise. The study also finds that dog ownership is risky for neighborhood friendships, since you’re more likely to wave at people with a bag of poop in your hands.

President Trump tweeted condolences for the victims of terror bombings in Sri Lanka, claiming that “138 million” people died. Trump later said he confused the number of Sri Lankans who died with the number of Americans citing his presidency wishing they were dead.

Following his team’s elimination in the Stanley Cup Playoffs, Winnipeg Jets captain Blake Wheeler told a reporter asking what went wrong to “f**k off”. Wheeler also added “please”, in keeping with Canadians’ reputation for common courtesy.

Uber & Lyft are implementing new features in response to public outcry over rideshare safety. In addition to verifying the driver & vehicle, riders will be notified via the respective apps when drivers plan to commit a crime.

Senator Elizabeth Warren is proposing the cancellation of $640 billion in student debt. The $640 billion is the combined historic revenue of Devry, ITT Tech, Strayer & University of Phoenix.

 

 

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New York City police arrested a man with gasoline cans & lighters inside of St Patrick’s Cathedral. The man said he was just trying to bring a little bit of Paris to the Big Apple.

The Weather Channel was knocked off the airwaves Thursday morning by what it claims was a “malicious software attack”. They promptly dispatched Jim Cantore to their I.T. department to give live reports from the center of the software storm.

Dashcam video from Montana showed a beaver dragging a large tree branch across a busy highway at night. Once the beaver delivered the branch to the site of a new dam, he returned to his day job as Mayor of the Montana town where he lives.

Comcast and T-Mobile announced a joint effort to cut down on the number of robocalls received by customers on their networks, it involves dropping the robocalls just like the rest of them.

Tech journalists’ review samples of the $2,000 Samsung Galaxy Fold – the first smartphone with a folding display – are breaking. The failures are troubling, but reviewers liked that you can fold the phone closed to extinguish it when it catches fire.

Barnes & Noble announced users of its Nook e*reader & app can download free copies of the Mueller Report – an announcement greeted with indifference by the eight people using the Nook e*reader or app.

Jenny Mollen and Jason Biggs shared that she dropped their son Sid on his head, fracturing his skull. This followed a months-old post saying their other son, Lazlo, was bitten by a dog. Both boys are fine. Their nanny describes her job as “pretty hands off.”

A new study found gluten in 32% of restaurant food labeled ‘gluten free’. “See, this is why we don’t even try” said an Arby’s spokesman.

New York City’s population dipped for the first time in a decade, according to government estimates. Reasons include lower international immigration, and the inability to count people stuck on late subway trains.

Multiple McDonald’s customers in Lyons, New York claimed to have found worms at the bottom of their soft drink cups – thus ending the secret trial of McDonald’s new McQuila.