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Registered Democrats are returning twice as many ballots as registered Republicans in early voting returns – according to Republican poll workers who say they’re having a hard time keeping up with shredding them.

John Lennon would have turned 80 today, if you believe he could have survived listening to Yoko Ono sing for another 39 years.

The head golf pro at an Upstate New York club died after a tree fell on him. Rescuers moved the tree branch, but were assessed a two-stroke penalty.

Famed plastic surgeon Dr. Terry Dubrow – star of E! Network show ‘Botched’ – claims a former patient is extorting him for $5 million because of her failed buttock lift. Since her ass was damaged, she wants to sue Dubrow’s off.

Microsoft is allowing employees to work from home permanently – provided they’re using Apple computers so they don’t spend the whole day with tech support.

The Nobel Peace Prize was awarded to the World Food Programme for their efforts battling global famine – narrowly edging out the guy who put on a McDonald’s & Burger King buffet for the football team.

An Australian surfer is missing in a suspected shark attack. So far the shark’s lawyers have refused investigator’s requests to floss his teeth.

Dollar General is opening new stores targeted at wealthier shoppers: Dollar Twenty-Nine General.

Donald Trump still wants to have campaign rallies, despite his voice giving out calling ‘Hannity’. The rallies would have the sign-language translator at the podium, while Trump flails his arms and tries to talk in the background.

The new ‘Jurassic World’ movie halted production after several velociraptors tested positive for COVID-19.

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General Mills announced Los Angeles Lakers all-star Lebron James will appear on Wheaties boxes. James then called a press conference to annouce that he was ‘taking his talents to Count Chocula’.

IndieWire called Adam Sandler’s new Netflix film ‘Hubie Halloween’ “the Halloween comedy America needs right now”. Which should give you some idea of what kind of shape America is in.

Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee said that, before his current sobriety, he was drinking two gallons of vodka a day. Lee added that, when the band resumes touring, he’ll need to get back Cerup to three gallons.

Mark Zuckerberg pledged $250 million to local governments, for their use managing elections that Facebook has effectively ruined.

After multiple positive COVID-19 tests in their ranks, all of the Joint Chiefs of Staff are currently under quarantine, making them the Individual Chiefs of the TV Remote.

Scotland shut down Glasgow and Edinburgh bars amidst a surge in COVID-19 cases, telling local drunks “you don’t have to go home lads, but you can’t quarantine here”.

McDonald’s is expanding its McCafe bakery offerings for the first time in ten years, introducing apple fritters, blueberry muffins & cinnamon rolls they made ten years ago.

Joe Biden committed to widespread cancellation of student loan debt, to the delight of deadbeat college grads who still won’t vote anyway.

NBC revealed that audience members were each given $150 for attending the season premiere of Saturday Night Live. Asked how they felt about the money, most said “underpaid”.

Donald Trump said he won’t participate in the October 15th debate, after it was changed to a virtual event. Trump said that between tweeting, and shopping Amazon Prime Day on the 13th & 14th, he may run out of mobile data.

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Cellmate, a chastity sex toy that covers the penis and is controlled by an app, left users at risk of permanent lock-in due to a security flaw. Nevertheless, the Coalition of Gay Locksmiths said they’d be happy to help out anyone who’s stuck.

The Seattle Storm swept the Las Vegas Aces 3 games to 0, winning the WNBA title. Rioters flooded the streets, but that’s every weeknight in downtown Seattle.

Two women shared a Nobel Prize for “rewriting the code of life”. Unfortunately, the rewritten code of life is the CRISPR gene editing tool, not a zero-calorie mojito recipe. [joke h/t to KBM]

Mike Pence’s team reportedly doesn’t want a plexiglass barrier at the Vice Presidential debate – he prefers an opaque curtain so he doesn’t have to see another woman.

Cruise lines are reducing the number of vessels, and some send retired ships to Aliaga, Turkey so they can be torn apart and sold for scrap. Workers tearing down the ships say the hardest part is getting all the bodies of old people out of the way.

QAnon has been removed from Facebook – but remains a proud founding sponsor of Parler.

Slack announced that in 2021, users will be able to send Slack messages to workers at other companies – a breakthrough that will let employees sexually harass people who work somewhere else.

Two more Tennessee Titans tested positive for COVID-19, putting Sunday’s game at risk after last weekend’s was postponed. They may become the first NFL team with a Bye-Bye week.

A Chicago study found four out of five COVID-19 patients showed effects of the disease in their brain. A study of White House COVID-19 patients showed there wasn’t much more damage that COVID-19 could do.

The air leak on the International Space Station is worse than initially believed. But the good news is they can install the new toilet they’re getting next to it.

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Interpol issued an arrest warrant for 38-year-old Vorayuth Yoovidhya – heir to the Red Bull fortune – on charges of killing a police officer with his car in 2012. Yoovidhya is considered a flight risk, since he has wings.

White House officials say Donald Trump could be released from the hospital as early as today, then embalmed as early as tomorrow.

A nuclear fusion reactor – one that spits out more energy than it consumes – could be ready by 2025. Women don’t know whether to put it under the hood of their minivan or marry it.

‘Saturday Night Live’ posted its highest season-premiere ratings in four years, as more Americans than usual fell asleep with the television tuned to NBC.

Regal Cinemas announced they’ll be closing hundreds of theaters, since the new James Bond movie delay gives them no new content to show. “Do you expect us to reopen? No, we expect to die.” said Regal’s CEO.

A new study from the journal Astrobiology claims that some planets may be better for human life than Earth. “How soon can we get there?” asked everybody.

The Supreme Court began its first session since the death of Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Without the octogenarian justice present, they were able to lower the courtroom temperature below 85 degrees.

Three doctors were awarded the Nobel Prize in Medicine for their discovery of the Hepatitis C virus. They’ll share the award with Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee, who gave them the samples.

Tropical Storm Delta became the 25th named storm of the 2020 hurricane season, narrowly edging out ‘Dakota’.

Gay men are taking over the #ProudBoys hashtag on social media, sharing photos of kissing and affection. Members of the Proud Boys are angry, and more than a little excited.

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United Airlines will give COVID-19 tests to some passengers. The ones who fail will be assigned to Boarding Group 19.

South Bend, Indiana outfitted its school buses with wifi. They allow students to use the Internet on rides to & from school, and let bullies view porn during downtime between beating up nerds.

A two-year-old boy found a loaded handgun on a Philipsburg, New Jersey playground. The boy is now first in line for the slide, the swings, and the carousel – got it?

Michael Cheatle, 37, a married private school teacher in suburban Philadelphia, was charged with having an illicit sexual relatiionship with a 17-year-old student. You can’t spell Cheatle without..

Nintendo released a new Fortnite-like battle royale game where 35 Super Marios fight each other until just one remains. The game is called Plumbers Union and it costs $150 per hour to play.

The new James Bond theme – No Time To Die – was released by singer Billie Eilish. Eilish’s color-streaked hair is changed for the video, since she had no time to dye.

Nicki Minaj gave birth to her first child, who was uninjured after exiting the birth canal and dropping two feet to the table below.

A new report finds 40% of the world’s plant life is at risk of extinction. Most of those are plants bought for Dads after him and Mom split up.

Amazon said over 19,000 of its workers contracted COVID-19 – and, of those, almost 10 were allowed to miss work.

A man wielding a sledgehammer broke the window of a Fox TV affiliate in Philadelphia and demanded to speak to a news anchor. Fox accommodated him, then put him in a limo to New York City and gave him his own 11pm show on Fox News.

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A Doylestown, Pennsylvania man was chosen to manage the official @Ireland Twitter account. He’ll return control to native Irish once they sober up.

Five parrots at a British zoo were separated and moved because they were all cursing at visitors. However, they did get people to give them a lot of f***ing crackers.

Google held an online event to introduce its new Pixel 5 phone – which most everybody watched on their iPhone.

A new study of 3,200 women showed they still consider sex to be important as they age – they just don’t think it’s that important tonight.

Scientists determined a woman’s reproductive system can actively select which sperm are accepted to fertilize an egg. They found the sperm with the highest chance of acceptance drove to the egg in a Porsche instead of swimming.

Conflict rages on between Armenia and Azerbaijan, in what’s being called ‘The War Almost Nobody Can Find On A Map.’

The Tokyo Stock Exchange suffered its worst outage ever, as officials scrambled for hours locating someone in Japan who’s good with computers.

COVID-19 vaccine trial participants report day-long exhaustion and headaches, symptoms similar to a control group that didn’t receive the vaccine and visited their parents.

The chief of the Federal Aviation Administration test-flew the currently-suspended Boeing 737 MAX, and recommended some changes to the aircraft as he floated to the ground in a parachute.

‘The Masked Singer’ contestant, actor Mickey Rourke, eliminated himself from the competition on Tuesday night, as did millions of other men who eliminated themselves from watching it to flip to the NBA Finals.

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Three-Michelin-star restaurant The Restaurant at Meadowood burned down in California wildfires. On the plus side, it’s now easier than ever to get a table.

The CDC released guidelines for Thanksgiving celebrations. They recommend keeping gatherings small and throwing jellied cranberry sauce in the garbage where it belongs.

Shots were fired during a brawl at Reaper’s Realm haunted house attraction in North Carolina. Unfortunately the bullets were unable to stop the werewolf.

A hiker fell 100 feet to his death while posing for a photo on an Oregon trail. “That is a nice picture, though” said someone looking at a framed copy next to the casket.

Actor Jim Parsons told Jimmy Fallon he contracted COVID-19 in March, adding that he lost his sense of taste, because he spent his recovery watching ‘Two Broke Girls’.

Eric Trump told Fox & Friends that he’s “part of the LGBT” community. Asked to clarify, he said “T for Trump”.

Disney is cutting 28,000 jobs at theme parks due to reduced attendance. Disney is now an even smaller world.

Astronauts on the International Space Station have detected the source of an air leak that had been growing in size. NASA now plans to finish repairs once they can get the Flex Seal guy into space.

Walmart is redesigning stores to make it easier for visitors to find what they’re looking for. Each store will now have ten exits.

40,000 airline workers are expected to be furloughed. Airlines would like to start the layoff process by dismissing members of the Platinum Elite Employees Club.

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Donald Trump says he’s being assisted in debate preparation by Chris Christie. Christie was seen reading a lengthy order at the McDonald’s drive-thru.

A judge overturned a ban on Uber operating in London. The decision is regarded as a huge victory for British creeps.

17 apps were removed from the Google Play store for containing malware that secretly billed the user for WAP services. That’s ‘Wireless Application Protocol’, not the good WAP.

Demi Lovato posted a photo to Instagram wearing a shirt reading “Dogs Over People”, just after breaking off her engagement to actor Max Ehrlich. She’s now engaged to her dog.

Joe Montana and his wife stopped an intruder who tried to take their 9-month-old grandchild from their home. Jennifer Montana took the baby back, and was credited with a forced turnover, the intruder was credited with one carry for no gain.

Photos from Europe’s CHEOPS Space Telescope revealed WASP-189b – one of the “hottest, most extreme planets” in orbit. The photos are of extraterrestrials doing sick, backside 1080s while chugging Mountain Dew Code Red.

NASA is sending a new space toilet to the International Space Station, which they say is optimized for use by female astronauts. Which is NASA’s way of saying women get their own toilet, instead of having to wait six hours after the men use it.

California prisons will now house inmates by the gender they identify as. Commissaries at men’s prisons say they can’t keep up with demand for makeup, wigs and dresses the convicts are ordering for their transfer hearings.

Magawa, a giant rat, was given a gold medal by a British veterinary group for his work detecting unexploded land mines in Cambodia. Magawa then spent the rest of day trying to alternately eat, and have sex with, the medal.

Former Trump campaign manager Brad Parscale was hospitalized after barricading himself in his house and threatening self-harm. Negotiators said the self-harm was either shooting himself, or going to work for Trump again.

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A construction worker who ate a bag of black licorice every day for weeks died from heart failure. At his autopsy, the five-foot blockage in his colon entered the Guinness Book of Records as World’s Largest Twizzler.

Amazon announced the new Ring Always Home security camera – a flying in-house drone. Pricing is unavailable, but it’s believed to be cheap enough for creepy kid brothers to spy on their sister’s slumber party.

A federal judge ruled Tucker Carlson is not a reliable source of news. She wasn’t in court, she was just sitting at home rolling her eyes watching ‘Tucker Carlson Tonight’.

Two Californians were charged with murder after discarding a dismembered body on a golf course. The hole was a dog-leg right, and two human legs left.

44-year-old Shauna Bishop, a Sacramento County California sheriff’s deputy, plead guilty to sex with a 16-year-old boy. She was placed under arrest, and the boy was placed over her.

An Arkansas man found a 9-carat diamond while hiking at a state park. He plans to have the stone mounted, and finally ask his pig to marry him.

NASA warned that China will launch its own space station in 2022. To prove it, U.S. astronauts at the International Space Station shared menus left on the door handle reading ‘coming soon’.

Donald and Melania Trump were booed when they visited the body of Ruth Bader Ginsburg. They were reportedly shaken because the loudest ones came from inside the casket.

Spoken word poet Brandon Leake won the grand prize on America’s Got Talent. He receives $1 million, and will headline the most poorly-attended show in Las Vegas history.

Police in India are questioning Bollywood superstar Deepika Padukone as part of an inquiry into celebrity drug use. “Don’t give us the usual song & dance” said cops, as Padukone performed a new routine in the interrogation room.