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Following Russia’s invasion of eastern Ukraine, the United States imposed strict new sanctions – starting with Netflix only offering one episode of Russian-language shows each week instead of releasing the whole season at once.

National Guard troops will be deployed to Washington DC to break up trucker convoys who intend to block traffic in protest of pandemic restrictions. So far the truckers haven’t arrived because traffic is already pretty terrible.

Google updated its Google Assistant software, so saying the word “Stop” is all that’s needed to get it to stop talking while it answers your question. However, they warn that using it on your wife is still a bad idea.

Sony unveiled its new virtual-reality gaming headset, the PlayStation VR 2. No release date was given for the headset, or for what’s expected to be its most popular game, the one where the kid wearing it pretends he actually gets laid.

Game publisher Activision announced they won’t release a Call Of Duty video game in 2023. If gamers really need a new experience shooting things up, Activision will offer discount trips to Chicago and Philadelphia.

Weight loss influencer Lexi Reed, who’d dropped 312 pounds in five years, returned home after being treated in the hospital for organ failure. She’s excited about her new, lighter, liver and kidneys.

Upstart pro football league USFL began its first player draft, with each team selecting a quarterback. First overall pick was the guy you screamed “YOU SUCK” at when he played for your NFL team.

China claims rocket debris set to collide with the Moon are not from its 2014 lunar mission – a claim disputed by NASA, who say the debris has been orbiting the moon with its turn signal on for over seven years.

Pepsi is launching Nitro Pepsi, a canned cola infused with nitrogen gas which delivers a “silky, foamy” texture to go along with your sugar-powered toothache.

Rosie O’Donnell apologized for comments assuming actress Priyanka Chopra was author Deepak Chopra’s daughter. O’Donnell is expected to have her mind blown when she meets several people named Patel.

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A Tennessee mother is accused of having sex with nine different underage boys in exchange for vape pens. Like many women, she was only interested in sex if you showered her with Juuls.

A 26-year-old Missouri teacher who had sex with one of her middle school students can no longer be prosecuted because she married him and they left the state. The D.A. and the principal did announce the middle schooler failed health class.

Viral video shows a bear in Northern California breaking into a home and eating leftover KFC it found on the kitchen counter. A different video shows the same bear breaking into an urgent care to treat itself for gastrointestinal issues.

A Utah father was arrested for ordering his 4-year-old son to shoot at police officers while at a McDonald’s drive-thru. A McDonald’s spokesperson said they immediately discontinued the Glock Happy Meal.

Many couples decided to marry on 2-22-22, a once-in-a lifetime date. In several years many men are expected to forget their anniversary anyway.

AT&T is shutting down their 3G wireless network. Now 2008 can no longer call and ask for its Nokia phone back.

Netflix plans to invest $45 million in French-language films to broaden their appeal in European markets. $44 million will be spent teaching Adam Sandler to speak French.

The U.S. Women’s National Soccer team – who’d sued USA Soccer over unequal pay with the Men’s National Team – settled their equal-pay lawsuit with USA Soccer for $24 million .. about 80% of what they asked for.

Country singer Sam Hunt’s wife Hannah Fowler filed for divorce, despite being seven month’s pregnant with Hunt’s baby. She’s suing for primary custody, alimony & child support, and to never have to hear a corny song about the whole thing.

A Starbucks employee noticed a teen girl being harassed, so she brought a hot chocolate to her, telling her how to signal for help. The girl ended up being okay, but was pissed at being charged $8 for the hot chocolate she didn’t ask for.

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Health officials warned customers to avoid purchasing food items at Family Dollar after 1,000 rodents were found in a Family Dollar distribution center. Despite this, long lines of cats could be seen outside stores holding dollar bills.

A singing group sued NBC and a pairs figure skating team for illegally using their song during their performance at the Winter Olympics. The pair failed to medal after standing in place on their skates doing the Macarena.

A former Louisiana school teacher was found guilty of multiple sex crimes, including serving students cupcakes made with her husband’s semen. Multiple students were rushed to area hospitals because of their nut allergies.

Pepsi will no longer sponsor the Super Bowl halftime show, citing the $50 million dollar cost, and the possibility that the NFL will pick Imagine Dragons next year.

‘The Batman’ actor Paul Dano claimed he had difficulty sleeping at night because of his portrayal of the “terrifying” Riddler in the film. Meanwhile, actress Zoe Kravitz said she slept 16 hours a day playing Catwoman.

Queen Elizabeth has COVID, but says she’ll continue “light duties” at Windsor Castle. Which begs the question of what, exactly, are the “hard duties” of the Queen?

New Mexico is asking the National Guard to work as substitute teachers during a labor shortage caused by the pandemic. School nurses set up triage tents for students whose spitwads were returned with gunfire.

American bald eagles may once again be classified as endangered, since many tested positive for lead poisoning. The National Wildlife Service is telling bald eagle parents to stop building nests with old paint chips.

Winter Park, Colorado police shot and killed the bride’s uncle at her wedding reception, after he became drunk and fought with guests and responding officers. Investigators said the uncle’s intoxication was even more surprising because it was a cash bar.

Finnish cross-country skier Remi Lindholm suffered a frozen penis during his 60km event at the Winter Olympics. He placed 28th in the 60-man event, six inches ahead of the 29th-place finisher.

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Anthropologie stores recalled some of their candles because they pose a fire risk. They’re offering a full refund, and training for customers to help them understand how candles work.

Victoria’s Secret hired their first lingerie model with Down Syndrome. A company spokesperson said they didn’t notice, they just wanted 36Cs.

Los Angeles Rams quarterback Matthew Stafford turned his back as a photographer fell off a stage during a Super Bowl victory ceremony, doing nothing. Stafford later claimed he looked away from her because she took the wrong route and wasn’t open.

Apple said its Face ID security for iPhones will soon work while you’re wearing a mask. It requires you to draw a really good picture of your nose and mouth on your mask.

Former supermodel Linda Evangelista shared the first photos of her body since claiming it was irreparably damaged by a Coolsculpting fat-removal procedure. The pics appear in People magazine, and the Sports Illustrated Bathrobe Issue.

Russian figure skater Kamila Valieva failed to medal in the Olympic women’s individual competition after falling several times in her long program, because she failed to take her grandfather’s vertigo medication.

Disney is building a planned community in Palm Springs, California, where residents will be participants in “stories”. Deposits have already been received from registered sex offenders looking to buy a home on Donald Duck Lane and not wear pants.

The new USFL football league will hold a player draft next week, or as soon as players at the NFL Combine fail their drug tests.

NASA’s Perseverance rover marked its first anniversary on Mars, declining the $99 cabin filter change at Martian Jiffy Lube.

Phil Mickelson is said to be interested in a controversial breakaway Saudi Arabian golf league to compete with the PGA – where ‘making the cut’, ironically, means you avoid beheading.

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Chet Hanks, son of actor Tom Hanks, said he didn’t grow up with a “strong male role model”. Hearing this, Tom Hanks immediately gave Chet Saving Private Ryan on Blu-Ray.

President Biden said his “sense” is that Russia will invade Ukraine over the next several days. Biden added that his senses have been pretty accurate lately, having correctly guessed ‘meatloaf’ for Wednesday dinner at the White House.

New Jersey police are under fire for breaking up a fistfight at a mall, then handcuffing a black teen as the white teen he faught watches from a bench. Cops said they intend to make up for it by awarding a title belt to the black teen for a TKO.

Players of Wordle are upset that a recent solution, CAULK, is too obscure and wouldn’t be known to younger users. Meanwhile, residents of Mississippi and Alabama are still upset that they can’t find the game at all because they can’t spell WORDLE.

Tiger Woods and his girlfriend went out to dinner in Santa Monica, California, nearly a year after his infamous car wreck. He chose to have a valet park his car upside-down in a highway median.

The United States reported its 100,000th death from COVID-19 in 2022 – so the lab technician in Wuhan, China updated the ‘Accomplishments’ section of his resume.

A missing 64-year-old Nevada woman was rescued after dangling from a tree on a steep slope near her home. Her son called the rescue a “miracle”, while mountain lions at the bottom of the slope with napkins around their necks called it “disappointing”.

Following Bob Saget’s family’s lawsuit to keep autopsy information private, his Full House co-star Candace Cameron Bure said “a lot of questions” remain about his death. She spoke on the set of her new Lifetime movie ‘What Fractured Bob Saget’s Skull?’

Kanye West followed Pete Davidson’s new Instagram account, and promptly slid into Pete’s DMs – death messages.

NFL QB Aaron Rodgers and actress Shailene Woodley broke up. Just as Rodgers said he was “innoculated” against COVID, he claims he’s still engaged – “engaged” in banging famous hot chicks.

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The 1990s murder-for-hire of a New Jersey woman by her husband – the leader of a synagogue – has been made into a musical A Wicked Soul In Cherry Hill, upsetting the Jewish community. The play’s original title was Can’t Rabbi Me Love.

United Airlines said no passengers were hurt when a jet landing at Washington DC’s Reagan Airport blew out two tires. Although passengers were angry when AAA said they’d take two hours to arrive and fix it.

Sarah Palin lost her defamation lawsuit against the New York Times. Things didn’t look good when the jury sent the judge a note asking if it was possible to defame an imbecile.

Prince Andrew reached an out-of-court financial settlement in a sexual assault case brought by a woman who met him through Jeffrey Epstein when she was underage. Amounts were not disclosed, but it’s believed to equal the cost of lots of massages.

Gymnast Simone Biles got engaged to Houston Texans football player Jonathan Owens, who plans to give her the twisties on their honeymoon

Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler opened Janie’s House, a home for abused women, named after the song Janie’s Got A Gun, where a teen girl shoots her abusive father. Residents receive housing, occupational training and target practice.

President Biden will allow the January 6th Commission to review White House logs to see who visited Donald Trump on the day of the riots, other than the usual visits from the spray tan lady and the Grubhub Big Mac guy.

Libya held the first-ever beauty pageant for chickens. But the big winner is the woman who got rich sewing all the evening gowns & swimsuits.

Russian skater Kamila Valieva said she tested positive for a banned substance because she mistakenly took her grandfather’s medication. Valieva also said taking her grandfather’s medication made it difficult to skate because of her huge boner.

Pregnant inmates in a Pennsylvania state prison trial program will be permitted access to doula services. A doula provides physical & emotional support to women before, during & after childbirth – and also keeps lookout when the inmates want to hook up with the guards again.

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Researchers at the University of Cambridge found face masks made from pantyhose to be highly effective in the prevention of COVID-19. The study noted the low incidence of COVID infections in bank robbers and perverts.

Mayor Craig Shubert of Hudson, Ohio resigned a week after a meeting in which he said allowing ice fishing in the town “could lead to prostitution”. Ironically, following his resignation, three prostitutes drowned while working glory holes beneath the lake.

15-year-old Russian figure skater Kamila Valieva will be allowed to compete in remaining women’s Olympic events despite testing positive for a banned substance, and also testing positive for testicles.

Mazars USA, accounting firm for the Trump Organization, recanted the accuracy of statements they prepared for the last decade, saying they “should no longer be relied upon”, after auditors reviewed an inventory of Trump assets and only saw the word “lots”.

The Catholic Church invalidated baptisms performed by a Phoenix priest for twenty years because the priest used “we” instead of “I” during the ceremonies. “What?! Those boys I molested WEREN’T baptized?” said other Phoenix-area priests.

New York City fired 1,430 municipal workers for failure to comply with a vaccine mandate. Then they immediately posted hiring notices for 1,430 new employees to watch other people do work.

An AirAsia flight between Malaysian cities was rerouted after passengers saw a snake on board the plane. They decided to land the plane after flight attendants repeatedly tried, and failed, to duct tape it to a seat.

Virgin Galactic started accepting $150,000 deposits for space tourism flights. Although it costs an extra $75,000 for a window seat.

Khloe Kardashian revealed that Pete Davidson sent her flowers for Valentine’s Day. The card read “don’t tell your sister about Friday night”.

A bird flu outbreak at a Tyson chicken farm in Kentucky means that 240,000 birds may be killed. They’d be killed anyway, but they’ll be moved from the ‘grocery store’ group to the ‘McNuggets’ group.

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Tinder introduced ‘Blind Dates’ – a new feature where users with common interests engage in a brief text-only chat to gauge compatibility prior to exchanging photos of their penises and breasts.

Truckers protesting COVID restrictions were cleared off of the Ambassar Bridge connecting Ontario and Michigan. The renewed flow of goods is expected to result in shifts restarting for auto workers at assembly plants, and hookers at truck stops.

The United States temporarily halted Mexican avocado imports after a border inspector was threatened by a Mexican drug cartel. The inspector had reportedly refused the cartel’s repeated bribes of Snausages and Pupperoni.

Kanye West posted a series of Instagram messages calling Pete Davidson a “d*ckhead”. His fans replied with suggestions like “thick bread” and “sick bed”, hoping that their rhymes will get used in Ye’s next diss track.

Following its acquisition by the New York Times, some Wordle players claim the game is blocking guesses of slurs and slang. Everyday players say the change hindered their ability to successfully solve BUNTS.

Actress Rosario Dawson broke up with New Jersey U.S. Senator Cory Booker after a three-year relationship. Once Booker’s term expires, she may seek re-erection.

The wife of wide receiver Van Jefferson of the Super Bowl Champion Los Angeles Rams left SoFi Stadium on a stretcher after going into labor during the game. They would have taken her to the blue tent on the sideline, but Mr. Jefferson was already in there getting a vasectomy.

CNN reports Donald Trump used a Secret Service agent’s phone to call wife Melania after the Stormy Daniels affair allegations broke. They also report Melania saw the number and answered “hi lover”.

A man carrying a white flag ran on to the field during the Super Bowl. Security finally tackled him after he ran 80 yards, making him the game’s leading rusher.

A Florida man will stand trial for shooting another man because he was texting in a movie theater. The shooter claims self-defense because the victim threw popcorn at him, which had hardened over 10 years in storage at the theater.

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Police rescued an elderly woman who’d been held captive by an intruder; her daughter thought she was in trouble because she hadn’t shared her Wordle results for the day. Other home invaders are now asking victims to finish & share their puzzles..

A FedEx truck was carjacked in Philadelphia. Cops are hoping to find the suspect based on his tracking number.

Developers plan to create the largest restaurant in Philadelphia on the city’s riverfront. Liberty Point will take up 28,000 square feet, serve 1,400 diners, and getting your food will take around two days.

Watchers of the Beijing Winter Olympics are comparing the location of the alpine ski jump – next to an unused steel mill – to a ‘graveyard’. The gold medalist successfully jumped over 100 meters, as measured by the bodies of dead Chinese democracy protesters lining the landing area.

Snoop Dogg was sued for alleged sexual assault. He’ll still perform in the Super Bowl halftime show because the NFL said if sex criminals can play in the games, they might as well rap at halftime too.

The NBA’s Philadelphia 76ers traded disgruntled guard Ben Simmons to the Brooklyn Nets for their star guard James Harden. 76ers fans can’t wait for Harden to arrive, then blame him for another playoff failure in a couple of months.

Green Bay Packers QB Aaron Rodgers won his 4th NFL MVP Award but is getting the silent treatment from Joe Rogan, who he failed to thank in his acceptance speech.

Harvard and Emory University scientists created biohybrid fish in a lab using human cardiac cells. The fish swims by muscle contractions like a human heartbeat, but sadly it died of a heart attack, because they used cardiac cells from a fat guy in Mississippi.

New NASA photos reveal the dark side of Venus – you have to be over 18 to see them.

Researchers discovered the first evidence of respiratory illness in a 150 million-year-old dinosaur – the world’s largest rescue inhaler.

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The New York Times reporter Maggie Haberman claims in her new book about Donald Trump that White House staff would occasionally find documents Trump had flushed down the toilet. Most were birthday & Fathers Day cards from Eric & Don Jr.

Kim Kardashian told Vogue that her divorce is about making herself happy, adding that her 40s are about ‘Team Me’.. meaning herself, and Team Me’s 100 makeup, wardrobe and photo artists.

A Los Angeles woman died after falling from the third floor of a parking garage during a lesson for riding her new motorcycle. A family spokesperson said they may take legal action against Kneivel Driving Instructors.

A 70-year-old Italian woman was found dead at her kitchen table, still sitting in the same place where she died an estimated two years earlier. First responders said the pasta was really overcooked.

A Frontier Airlines passenger had to be restrained after falsely claiming a passenger in the row behind him was sticking him with a needle to steal his DNA. A Frontier flight attendant told him that wasn’t possible, because needles aren’t given out until drink service starts.

A Republican candidate for Oregon governor admitted he & his wife were formerly in a partner-swapping Facebook group, making Oregon a swing state.

The Biden Administration is earmarking $5 billion to install electric vehicle chargers at interstate highway rest stops – so drivers can hook up their cars to charge at the same places down-low gay men hook up with each other.

United Kingdom archaeologists found a Roman-era graveyard containing dozens of decapitated skeletons with skulls placed between their legs, in what they’re calling Europe’s first Halloween Spirit pop-up location.

Sportscaster Erin Andrews shared her favorite Tom Brady moment, when the QB threw passes with Andrews’ father at a Montana ranch, and asked Erin to “shag balls” – a duty usually reserved for Gisele Bundchen.

Scientists discovered a new planet orbiting Proxima Centauri, the nearest star to the Sun. Even more amazing is they found it with Zillow.