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Dolly Parton’s theme park Dollywood is being sued for $2 million by a woman who said she suffered a severe spinal injury on the park’s RiverRush Water Coaster. Worse, she claims park medical staff in overalls and straw hats attempted to anesthetize her intravenously with the contents of two ceramic jugs labeled ‘XXX’.

Heather Locklear was arrested for the second time in two weeks, charged with battery on a police office and an EMT. Her parents are hopeful that Heather will get the help she so desperately needs – a really good agent.

Fixer Upper stars Joanna & Chip Gaines shared the first photo of their new baby son, Crew. He was named for the crew of workers who went to work this week renovating her birth canal.

Medical journal Obesity claims acceptance for plus-size people may prevent overweight adults from recognizing their own weight gain. A survey of 23,000 overweight/obese adults found 60 percent of men and 30 percent of women underestimated their weight. 90 percent returned the survey with mayonnaise stains.

Actor Mel Gibson lost his lawsuit to block the release of the film ‘Professor and the Madman’, which stars Gibson and documents the origins of the Oxford English Dictionary.  Gibson will not promote the film, and cancelled his appearance at the San Diego DictionaryCon.

Owner of Lexington, Virginia restaurant The Red Hen asked White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders and 7 of her family members to leave on the basis of “moral conviction”. Sanders said she left without incident, and was only there to have a small salad and glass of water, anyway.

Actor Michael Rapaport was able to defuse a situation aboard an American Airlines flight from Houston to Los Angeles, when a Vietnamese man attempted to open an emergency exit mid-flight. The man told authorities he believed the door was the bathroom door. Three members of the man’s family were behind him telling him to hurry up.

Thousands of bourbon barrels rolled out of a collapsed warehouse at a distillery in Bardstown, Kentucky.  No one was injured, but a courageous plumber is attempting to reach the angry gorilla rolling barrels from atop the warehouse to halt further damage.

Culinary robotics company Creator is opening a restaurant in San Francisco, and will sell hamburgers made by a robot. The burgers take six minutes, and if you don’t like it the robot will spit WD-40 in it.

After a woman in Walgreens Pharmacy was denied a prescription to end her pregnancy that would result in miscarriage, Walgreens defended their policy to allow pharmacists to deny prescriptions for which they have a ‘moral objection’. Walgreens also said they regret hiring Christian Scientist pharmacists who won’t give any medicine to anyone.

Online auction house GottaHaveRockandRoll.com is auctioning a love letter that Madonna sent to model Amanda Cazalet in 1991. Madonna kissed Cazalet in the video for her song ‘Justify My Love’. When asked if the letter was perfumed, the auction house only said it smelled like it had been rubbed on something.

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Irish airline Aer Lingus announced a new policy where they’ll refuse to allow visibly intoxicated passengers on board. Shares of Aer Lingus fell 90% as flights out of Dublin are departing empty.

Amazon is now providing two-hour beer, wine & liquor delivery to Prime members in Texas. Members are told to wait on their porch for a delivery drone flying erratically and wearing a cowboy hat.

The FBI states that cases of in-flight sexual assault by airline passengers are up 66% from 2014-2017. Defendants claim there’s no leg room in coach, and they’re being wrongfully accused trying to climb over women in the aisle seat to get to the bathroom.

In India, technicians repairing an out-of-order ATM found a dead rat and $17,500 in shredded currency in its cash drawer. Police arrested two other rats waiting in a nearby battery-operated getaway car.

Lori McAllen, a clerk for the Oregon Department of Transportation, was suspended after allegedly using Facebook to call for illegal immigrants to be shot at the Mexican border. Attempts to reach McAllen for comment were unsuccessful, while she interviews for a senior position at the Department of Homeland Security.

When Facebook users search for opioid prescription drugs on the platform, Facebook is directing them to a government help line. When Facebook users search for marijuana, they’re being offered great deals on vacations to Colorado and Canada.

The New England Journal of Medicine reported the case of a 32-year-old Russian woman who had documented, via selfies, a moving lump on her face that turned out to be a parasitic worm, Dirofilaria repens, living beneath her skin. Doctors removed the worm, who then told her he’s moving in with another woman who wants bigger lips.

Comedian Tom Arnold said that he’s teaming up with former Trump attorney/fixer Michael Cohen to take down President Trump — and to deliver a long-awaited sequel to The Stupids.

The United States, which had been sending 4,000 container loads of recyclable plastic to China each day, now must find a new destination after China banned the import of plastic waste. Americans are being urged to hold on to their Fitbits until a new solution is found.

ABC Networks announced this fall they’ll debut The Conners – featuring the cast of Roseanne, minus Roseanne Barr. To maintain a conservative political voice to replace Barr’s character, the show will add the role of a babysitter for the Conner grandchildren, played by Scott Baio.

 

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American Airlines, United Airlines and Frontier Airlines have asked the US government to not use their planes to transport undocumented migrant children who have been separated from their families. “Yeah, look what we did to those dogs” said a United spokesman.

  • Allegiant Air said they’d consider taking the kids, but only if they agreed to fly the plane because so many of their pilots have quit.

AMC Theaters launched AMC Stubs A-List, a $19.95/month subscription service to compete with MoviePass. A-List will allow subscribers to see up to three movie showings at AMC locations per week, provided two of them are ‘Gotti’.

Walmart said that it’s “disturbed” one of its former locations in Texas is being used as a shelter for immigrant children separated from their detained parents. Walmart conceded they’re not accustomed to seeing people in their buildings receiving health care.

President Trump signed an Executive Order ending the separation of children from parents detained for illegal immigration. The President expressed excitement that children can be moved to the same squalid detention centers as their parents.

President Trump cancelled the annual Congressional Picnic this week, saying it didn’t feel right to hold it amidst immigration conflict – and since KFC & McDonald’s don’t offer catering.

Facebook has added “game show” capabilities to Facebook Live streaming. So far viewers’ favorite shows are “Watch Us Sell Your Personal Data”; “How Many Punches Before This Pedestrian Goes Down?”; & “Candid Sex Camera”.

A Philadelphia woman suffered minor injuries when she was struck in the face with a hot dog fired from a cannon by the Phillie Phanatic. She has no plans to sue the team, unlike the employee who contracted mesothelioma from repeatedly firing the cotton-candy cannon.

Intel CEO Brian Krzanich resigned after admitting to a past consensual relationship with an employee.

– First he said they were just friends, then admitted he was Intel Inside
– No statement yet, he’s still processing
– Right now the chips are down, but he plans to take Ctrl, find an Alt assignment, Del this from his memory and reboot his career.

A Missouri father, 71, & his son, 30, are under arrest for beating up a man after an argument about Pokemon Go. The two were charged with assault, but picked up valuable experience points.

An Indiana cheerleading coach was arrested and charged with seducing a male student at a booze-fueled party. Police questioned the boy to see if they were intoxicated, asking “Did she have spirits? How about you?”

 

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Scientists discovered a fossilized ancient sea creature and named it Obamus coranatus in honor of President Barack Obama. The tiny disc-shaped animal was a half-inch long, lived on the ocean floor, likely never moved on its own, but still had affordable health insurance.

A man with a face tattoo of a handgun has been charged in South Carolina with illegal possession of a firearm. He was released on bond and ordered to surrender his forehead.

  • “Does your face hurt?” asked the presiding judge, adding “because it’s killing innocent people..”

On E! show ‘Total Bellas’ WWE star Nikki Bella reveals that her one-time fiance John Cena has agreed to undergo a reverse vasectomy with the goal of getting her pregnant. Doctors say the procedure will take longer than usual, since Cena’s sperm need to be woken up after years wearing super-snug wrestling trunks.

President Trump gave a speech to the National Federation of Independent Business, then hugged the American flag as he walked off stage. Barron Trump then wrapped himself in a flag and waited for his dad to get home, but got nothing.

Protesters angry over immigrant children being separated from their families at the U.S. southern border shouted “shame” at Homeland Security Director Kirstjen Nielsen as she dined at a Mexican restaurant in Washington, D.C.  Nielsen then separated herself from her chair and deported herself to the rest room without finishing her chimichangas.

A new NBC News report says that the cost of temporary housing for separated children of detained illegal immigrants is $775 per person per night.  After seeing the story, President Trump had all the kids bused to the nearest Trump Hotel and charged them $750/night.

Ivanka Trump reportedly met with her father to discuss ending the separation of children – so the President sent Air Force One to bring Ivanka’s three kids home from summer camp.

An Arkansas man was arrested after attempting to pay for his restaurant meal with a credit card that was stolen from his waitress two days earlier. The waitress said it killed her to have him arrested because he left a 25% tip.

Amazon is opening up its clothing try-on service, Prime Wardrobe, to all Prime subscribers. The service lets you choose three to eight items to be shipped to your home, with a week to try them on and decide what to keep. Amazon also sends two-sizes-larger items to subscribers if they watch more than 40 hours of Prime Video each week.

Burger King Russia is apologizing for a promotion offering lifelong free Whoppers and $47,000 to women impregnated by World Cup soccer players. The program ended after a female Russian lawmaker complained, and after Russian Burger Kings were overrun with women urinating on pregnancy tests in the dining room.

  • “I’m disappointed the pregnancy promotion is over, it seemed like a good idea” said Russian Maury Povich.

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President Trump signed a declaration to create the Space Force — a task force to find space for all of the children being put in cages by his zero-tolerance immigration policy.

Microsoft – who works with ICE and the Border Patrol – urged the Trump Administration to reconsider the zero-tolerance policy and end the separation of families. Apple has yet to comment, but asked border agents if the detained children wanted to kill time learning to assemble iPads.

14% of U.S. adults now smoke cigarettes – an all-time low. While health officials praise the decline, the general population is concerned about how much harder it is to figure out who the cool people are.

An articulated python killed a woman and swallowed her whole in Indonesia. 54-year-old Tiba Wa was checking on her home vegetable garden. The python was also there checking on food, but was not vegetarian.

In other Indonesian news, a North Toraja man died when the coffin of his deceased mother fell on him at her funeral. The man had repeatedly said his mother was suffocating him, but, in fact, he died of head injuries.

The U.S. Golf Association apologized for Fox Sports U.S. Open golf broadcast, when mics picked up two male spectators talking about aggressive sex, with one saying that he “headbutted” and “smacked” his female sex partner. The men said they were whispering, but Tiger Woods asked them to speak up.

Queen Elizabeth’s cousin, Lord Ivar Mountbatten, will become the first member of the Royal Family to be wed in a gay marriage. Asked if the Queen will be in attendance, Lord Mountbatten replied “which one?”

Developer Niantic announced that they’ll soon add Pokémon trading to mobile game Pokémon Go. Though many adults have already been trading Pokémon for healthy relationships.

A woodchuck is being blamed for stealing American flags from veterans’ burial plots at a Massachusetts graveyard. The woodchuck said he’s presenting the flags to widows of veteran woodchucks hit by cars.

Two Akron, Ohio firefighters have been suspended amid accusations that they filmed a pornographic video in a municipal fire station. The film depicts several methods for sliding down a fire pole.

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Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen denied that the United States has a policy of separating children of illegal immigrants from their parents at the U.S. border. Rather, she said the problem was gathering up all of the 5-and-under Mexican runaways.

Disney issued a warning to moviegoers, saying that certain sequences of flashing lights in Incredibles 2 could trigger seizures. Theaters now ask that the audience silence their cell phones and epileptic family members.

The Veterans Administration is under fire for hiding poor quality ratings of its nursing homes. The ratings scale runs from ‘Acceptable’ to ‘Someone From 60 Minutes Is Asking To Visit.’

Giant hogweed, an invasive plant with sap that can cause burns and blindness, has been found growing in eastern Virginia. Officials say the plant should be destroyed with herbicides or other non-contact methods, unless you really dislike your husband and want to send him out there to rip it out bare-handed.

Apple is updating iPhone software so users’ precise location will be shared in the event they dial 911. They are hoping this will allow law enforcement to more quickly locate the hundreds of female Uber customers each day who take a ride with a creep.

A 23-year-old man has been accused of making fraudulent returns to over 1,000 Walmart locations, by returning computers after removing parts from them. Employees became suspicious because they don’t see many customers who know how to use a computer.

The World Health Organization has officially classified ‘gaming disorder’ as a mental health condition, likening it to substance abuse and gambling addiction. They clarify that ‘gaming disorder’ is not to be confused with the more common affliction where people just suck at video games.

A brain-eating amoeba was found in the drinking water of a town in southern Louisiana. Asked what it was doing there, the mayor joked “starving”.

High winds at a Denver, Colorado park sent portable toilets flying in the air. No one was injured, and officials assured families at the park that the winds were coming from outside the toilets.

Delaware wants to have parents issue consent before their child’s gender identity can be recognized at school. Children were sent home with forms for parents to check ‘male’; ‘female’; ‘fluid’; ‘trans’; and ‘I Don’t Know’.

 

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Florida lifeguards treated over 800 beachgoers for jellyfish stings over three days. Because of the large volume, dozens of off-duty lifeguards had to be brought in to urinate on the victims’ wounds.

Experts suggest climate change may be responsible for the deaths of Africa’s ‘boabab’ trees, which can live up to 2,000 years. The boababs — called Trees of Life — will now be called Hospice Trees.

A 10-year-old girl from Scranton, Pennsylvania who made a viral video about being bullied was invited by the New York Yankees to Yankee Stadium for a home game. There, she was able to spend three hours hearing grown men yell at baseball players about how much they suck.

Comcast bid $65 billion to acquire most of the assets of 20th Century Fox:

  • Urging them to act soon before time runs out on this great deal.
  • Fox turned down the initial bid, so Comcast offered to throw in 6 months of Starz.
  • Comcast said $65 billion was the opening bid, but that the rate would go up in a couple of months.

Wednesday marks the first day of legal sports betting in New Jersey. The NJ state government is looking for qualified concrete workers and boat operators to deal with bettors who can’t pay up.

Nintendo of America presented its future games and business plans at the Electronic Entertainment Expo. The biggest surprise was an announcement from Princess Peach that Bowser has been terminated from all future games for his repeated history of inappropriate conduct toward women.

Former Trump adviser and “fixer” Michael Cohen has parted ways with his legal team. A source said that the separation was the result of a fee dispute – specifically, the porn stars that Cohen offered for payment were too old.

Moviepass now has over three million subscribers, most of whom were still too busy to see ‘Solo’.

Las Vegas McCarran International Airport experienced two power outages. Several travelers suffered broken arms beating on slot machines when they stopped spinning.

California is exploring splitting into three separate states: Northern California; Southern California; and New California. It’s still a long way from reality, as it would need to be ratified by voters and approved by Congress, the Bloods and the Crips.

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CHI St. Luke’s Medical Center in Houston temporarily closed its heart-transplant center following several doctors’ departures, and an unusual number of patient deaths in recent years. The outgoing Chief of Staff for the heart-transplant center said he hopes to get his old job back at Jiffy Lube.

Jeep Grand Cherokee and Ford Explorer received ‘Poor’ ratings in crash tests from the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety, according to injury data retrieved from crash test dummies. Execs for Jeep and Ford questioned why dummies are allowed to drive cars to begin with.

Researchers in Hawaii and California claim to have found interstellar dust that formed the Earth and the solar system billions of years ago — on treadmills at their houses.

All Texas locations of In-N-Out Burger were closed for two days because hamburger buns did not meet the chain’s quality standards, but employees were still paid for delivering the buns to IHOb.

U.S. student loan debt just hit $1.5 trillion for the first time. Women hold nearly two-thirds of the debt, thrilling the banks holding the debt because there’s 20% less income to pay it down.

People of Chinese heritage criticized Ivanka Trump for using a made-up ‘Chinese proverb’ — “those who say it can not be done, should not interrupt those doing it” in a tweet to describe her father’s work on the North Korea summit. Ivanka is reportedly angry and promising to go pee-pee in her critics’ Coke.

A raccoon has captured national attention as it scaled the outside of St. Paul, Minnesota’s UBS Tower. The raccoon reached the roof of the building earlier today, and is pretty goddamned disappointed with the trash cans up there.

A man upset that his wife salted the movie-theater popcorn she bought angrily stormed out without seeing the movie after calling his wife ‘unfaithful’ and declaring their marriage over. Theater employees said that it was, by far, the most effort anyone had ever put into avoiding watching a chick flick.

MIT’s Computer Science & Artificial Intelligence Laboratory created a system that allows you to see bodies through walls. It’s expected to be in high demand from people who want to shoot their spouse “by accident”.

Tropical Storm Bud is expected to hit Mexico with heavy rainfall. When told that Bud was coming to Mexico, Mexicans said they already had enough shitty beer there.

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Twitter’s emoji for the U.S./North Korea #Singaporesummit depicts a high-five between Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un. They were asked to redo it several times to make Trump’s hands the same size as Un’s.

Uber’s Chief Brand Officer Bozoma Saint John is leaving to become Chief Marketing Officer for Endeavor, an entertainment agency conglomerate. She’s excited to leave the world of inappropriate sexual behavior by underpaid cab drivers for the world of inappropriate sexual behavior by overpaid Hollywood agents.

Snapchat announced that you’ll soon be able to Unsend messages, so that a few less people will have seen your breasts and penises.

Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner filed details of their personal wealth and investment holdings with the Office of Government Ethics. They each would have done so sooner, but neither could believe the Office of Government Ethics still exists.

President Trump is now en route back to the U.S. following the Singapore summit with Kim Jong Un. He considered the trip a success, obtaining denuclearization concessions, along with that pin from the Singapore Hard Rock Cafe that he wanted.

Erin and Leah Finan, a married Indiana couple, were each sentenced to over five years in federal prison for scamming Amazon out of over $1 million in electronics, and for writing reviews of the merchandise they stole that nobody found helpful.

  • Sentencing guidelines called for ten years, but Amazon’s lawyers requested leniency since they were both Prime members.

Facebook followed up on Mark Zuckerberg’s Congressional testimony with 454 pages of answers to over 2,000 questions that Zuckerberg couldn’t answer in person, then Zuckerberg snoozed Congress for 30 days.

A 9-year-old girl is being sent to a rehab facility for addiction to Fortnite. Her parents say she wet herself and sat in her own urine instead of pausing the game on Xbox. While at rehab, she’ll learn about the mobile version of the game that she can play on the toilet.

Domino’s Pizza announced on Monday that it’s paying to fill potholes in towns across the United States; and, in the process, making good use of its surplus pizza dough.

A 69-year-old man allegedly defecated on another person during a road rage incident in Pennsylvania. The perpetrator was charged with harassment; the victim was not charged, but was named the Worst Ever At Road Rage by police.

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Amazon is under fire for what a watchdog group called “deplorable conditions” at a China factory that makes Amazon Echo smart speakers. It’s so bad, that when workers ask Alexa what time it is, she says “time to shut up and get back to work.”

Three people reportedly broke into Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos’ Beverly Hills home. Police say nothing was stolen, but the burglars each received emails that the items they wanted had shipped.

Before introducing Bruce Springsteen at Sunday’s Tony Awards, Robert De Niro told the audience “F*ck Trump”. Watching at home, Melania Trump told her assistant “this is why I didn’t go to Singapore.”

ABC’s attempts to reboot ‘Roseanne’ without Roseanne Barr have apparently stalled, because Barr owns the rights to some characters on the show. Casting executives are now looking for unfunny overweight dopes who can’t act and appeal to racists; Larry the Cable Guy is on his way to Los Angeles.

President Trump arrived in Singapore a day early for his planned summit with Kim Jong Un. Un is staying at the St Regis Singapore, Trump’s base of operations is still being finalized using the ‘Find A Location’ function at McDonalds.com.

KFC is reportedly testing “chicken-like vegetarian options” at its United Kingdom locations. KFC said this isn’t the first time they’ve offered non-chicken options, citing the rodents they serve in the U.S.

Kylie Jenner deleted all social media photos of her infant daughter Stormi, as Stormi’s infant lawyer seeks compensation from her mother in addition to feedings.

Net Neutrality officially ends today, June 11th. Your estimated hold time to speak with  Comcast/Xfinity customer service about your slow broadband connection is incalculable.

Porsche’s first all-electric car will go on sale for $80,000-90,000 and will be called the Taycan, German slang for ‘you can’t afford it’.

An American Society for Microbiology study showed that kitchen towels contain high levels of bacteria that cause food poisoning. Experts recommend washing towels in hot water for at least 20 minutes before eating them.