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American Airlines has so much extra wine they’re selling it to the public. Bottles cost $13 to $40, but for an extra $100 they’ll send a flight attendant to your house that you can hit on while you drink it.

Former Trump economic adviser Kevin Hassett approves of Joe Biden’s $1.9 trillion economic rescue program, saying he has his eye on a $1,400 set of golf clubs.

Banks United and Professional Bank, will no longer do business with Donald Trump after his role in the DC riots; this follows Deutsche Bank and Signature Bank ending their business. However, Trump is still welcome at his bank, according to Monopoly Guy Rich Uncle Pennybags.

Canines will sniff-screen Miami Heat fans attending home games for COVID-19. If the dog detects the virus, all members of that person’s party will be refused entry. If the dog smells cancer, the animal will ignore it.

Mattel introduced a new Barbie inspired by Maya Angelou. Turns out Ken is kinda into older black chicks.

Riley June Williams, the 22-year-old woman accused of stealing Nancy Pelosi’s laptop, was released from jail pending trial. She’s rumored to be the star of a Fox News version of The Bachelorette, where she’ll choose from 40 eligible Proud Boys.

University of Notre Dame Football was found in violation of NCAA recruiting rules. Their punishment is bowl-ineligibility for a year, and saying ten rosaries.

Joe Biden issued an Executive Order to combat hunger – a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup.

The James Bond film ‘No Time To Die’ and ‘Ghostbusters: Afterlife’ have both been delayed from summer 2021 to fall, after AMC Theaters announced everyone attending movies before October would be required to get a vaccine, large popcorn and drink.

After outcry over their removal from the Capitol to sleep in a parking garage, National Guard troops were allowed back in the Capitol building. Although it’s taking a while, because a lot of them lost their tickets to exit the garage.

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Worcester, Massachusetts police arrested two boys and two girls, all ages 15 & 16, for throwing bricks at cars. The boys were referred for juvenile detention, and the girls were given softball scholarships.

The FAA issued new guidelines for home delivery of packages by drones. The guidelines expressly forbid the use of camera drones piloted by horny teenagers.

Donald Trump was reportedly upset with renovations to his Mar-A-Lago residence when he arrived for the holidays. He was most angry that nobody installed a younger woman.

American Airlines carried the first passengers on a Boeing 737 MAX since the jet was reauthorized by the FAA. It departed Miami at 10a.m. and arrived ahead of schedule when it touched down spinning into the Atlantic Ocean.

Billie Eilish lost 100,000 Instagram followers in a half-hour after posting sketches of women’s breasts. Some speculated that her younger followers’ parents were offended, while others thought the breasts just weren’t big enough.

The more contagious COVID-19 strain believed to have come from the U.K. has been confirmed in Colorado, where it plans to stock up on weed before heading back home.

At the current slower-than-expected pace, it will take ten years to vaccinate every American against COVID-19. The good news is that the vaccine they finally get will cover COVID 20 thru 30.

$600 stimulus checks will begin to arrive this week. The most-stated use of the money will be paying bills, while the least-stated use is tipping Grubhub or Postmates delivery drivers.

A happy Chrissy Teigen posted that she’s now “four weeks sober”, while happier Instagram users say it’s been five weeks since they unfollowed Chrissy Teigen.

A 21-year-old Russian sumo wrestler, Dzhambulat Khatokhov, once called “the world’s heaviest boy”, passed away. No cause of death was given, but those closest to him said he had kidney problems – namely, eating so many of them.

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Cheesecake Factory furloughed 41,000 employees. Each received a pager which will buzz when it’s their turn to come back to work. [Reader Submitted Joke! Thanks to…”T”!]

Doctors claim a loss of taste and smell is an early warning of coronavirus infection. This has been true in China and the U.S., but is unproven in the U.K. because so many people there just don’t want to smell or taste the food anyway.

Archaeologists in Leeds, England found more than 600 bottles of toxic beer under the stairs in a brewery dating back to the 19th century. The bottles contain lethal amounts of lead, and are labeled Coors Light.

Nintendo is planning to commemorate the Super Mario series 35th anniversary with new games. In related news, Mario and Peach announced they’re separating just shy of their 35th Anniversary.

MIT will post plans online for an emergency ventilator that can be built for $100. It’ll have people everywhere asking “what the f*** did you do with the vacuum cleaner?”

U.S. airlines are offering 5-and-6-hour flights between the east and west coasts for as low as $14. There are no seat assignments, because you’ll be up the whole time cleaning the jet.

Google search results now display 3D images of creatures you can view up-close on your Android phone. So far, the most popular ones are tigers, pandas, and porn stars.

American Airlines pilot Pati Marsh – a woman with 39 years and over 30,000 flight hours of experience – reached age 65 and had to retire, per FAA regulations. Her former co-pilots are happy to now be able to lower the cockpit temperature below 80 degrees.

Gerrity’s Supermarket in Hanover Township, Pennsylvania was forced to discard $35,000 in produce after Margaret Cirko, 35, deliberately coughed and spat on all of it. She was removed by police and arrested – then did the same thing at Whole Foods, ruining $250,000 worth of produce.

Six CBS News reporters tested positive for coronavirus, as CBS News rushed to air a tv ad saying “CBS News – FIRST to have reporters WITH COVID-19”.

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A Delta Airlines flight making an emergency landing in Los Angeles dumped jet fuel that landed on kids at an outdoor playground. Delta representatives visited the playground to wring out the children’s clothing and underwear to try and get the fuel back.

Google is acquiring Pointy, a startup that helps brick-&-mortar retailers sell their products online, so Amazon can find them and put them out of business.

An American Airlines employee copied a passenger’s phone number from their luggage tag, then bombarded her with over 100 “creepy” text messages. Since the employee wasn’t a pilot, she called the cops.

Wine consumption is down in the United States, with industry analysts saying competition from spiked seltzer and hard liquor is cutting into Mom’s day drinking.

Spectrum Cable – formed from the Charter acquisition of Time Warner and Bright House Cable – announced they’re discontinuing home security service. Spectrum representatives say this isn’t the first time a large cable company just gave up on customer service, it’s just the first time they admitted it.

Police were called to the home of former NFL All-Pro wide receiver Antonio Brown, who, in a fight with his girlfriend, threw a bag of penis-shaped gummy candies at her. She failed to catch them, and blamed Brown for being a terrible passer.

Walmart is bringing robots to 650 more stores, as they ramp up efforts to make it impossible for shoppers to find human help.

A new study finds Grindr is illegally sharing users’ personal information with third parties. Grindr users say they’re cool with it, and also wouldn’t mind if third parties brought along fourth and fifth parties.

Glassdoor named the ‘best job in America’ for 2020 – a front-end engineer, who codes and tests website user experience and makes $105,000 annually. Glassdoor’s second-best job is a rear-end engineer, aka ‘personal trainer’.

A 37-year-old woman was arrested for trying to build a bomb inside of a Tampa, Florida Walmart. She was stopped by an off-duty law enforcement officer, then said her break was over.

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A family in Georgia found a live screech owl living in their family Christmas tree. With assistance from a local wildlife expert, the owl eventually left. “Finally” said the rat and two squirrels also living in the tree.

Rivers Casino in Philadelphia was fined $62,500 for allowing three different underage gamblers to play slots and table games. They were discovered after becoming belligerent with cocktail servers about the time it was taking to get their juice boxes.

Eight-year-old Ryan Kaji, who reviews toys on YouTube, was named the video platform’s top earner in 2019, with $26 million. Meanwhile, an anonymous 18-year-old woman was named Pornhub’s highest earner, getting four free t-shirts.

Christianity Today, an evangelical magazine, called for Donald Trump’s removal from the presidency, in what’s being called their most scathing prayer ever.

Nancy Pelosi said she’s waiting to send Articles of Impeachment to the Senate, until there’s more clarity on the rules governing President Trump’s trial, and because she hasn’t found the right Hallmark card to put them in.

The film adaptation of ‘Cats’ garnered mostly negative reviews, which is what happens when filmmakers and cats go outside of the box.

American Airlines is now offering non-binary gender designations for air travelers. In addition to ‘he’ and ‘she’, ‘they’ and ‘them’ can now be treated horribly and get bumped.

A middle school principal in Iowa apologized for taking away pizzas purchased by a teacher as a reward for her class.  The letter was signed ‘Principal Noid’.

The world’s oldest fossil forest, 385 million years old, was uncovered in the upstate New York town of Cairo. “We prefer to be called a senior living facility”, said a manager.

Camille Schrier of Virginia was crowned the new Miss America, in the evening gown-and-swimsuit-free updated version of the competition, dubbed Miss America 2.0. All judges agreed that Schrier’s Miss America 2.0 is at least a solid 7.5.

 

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The FBI is warning hackers can exploit vulnerabilities in internet-connected “Smart TVs”. They added that most Americans don’t need to worry because they only watch dumb shows.

‘Van Halen’ is trending on Twitter after singer Billie Eilish told a talk show host she didn’t know who they are. Worse, she did know Van Hagar.

The White House declined Congressional Democrats’ invitation to participate in Impeachment Hearings on Wednesday –  criticizing the process, and adding they conflict with a scheduled appearance of Miss Universe on Fox & Friends.

Melania Trump debuted the White House Christmas decorations in a theme called “The Spirit of America” – it’s a bunch of trees decorated in white trying to keep trees decorated in color outside.

American Airlines grounded a flight out of Florida after a woman faked an illness to get a better seat.  The woman was removed from the flight, and the dog she was sitting next to got the whole crate to himself.

American Hockey League defenseman Josh Healey has developed an app that lets players report abusive coaches and agents anonymously. It also offers tutorials on how to pull their shirt over their head and punch them while on skates.

Ikea is helping to design habitats for future human colonists living on Mars. They figure if they make the furniture even more frustrating to assemble, the colonists will forget they’re living on Mars.

The U.K. Office for National Statistics lowered the life expectancy for babies born in 2019 to 90.6 years, down from 93.6.  They cite overly optimistic prior estimates, and really, really, bad British baby food.

After numerous complaints, Amazon stopped selling Christmas tree ornaments featuring pictures of Auschwitz concentration camp. Your last chance to get one is the White Elephant/Yankee Swap with the racist guy at your office holiday party.

Actress Gabrielle Union claims her contract as a judge on ‘America’s Got Talent’ wasn’t renewed because producers deemed her hairstyles “too black” and called her “difficult”. She regrets not being there this season to watch people play Yankee Doodle on their armpits and duct-tape their balls to the back of their neck.

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Mark Zuckerberg said that Facebook’s policy allowing lies and misinformation in political ads is “something we have to live with”… like “spending millions for a wall around your house” or “selling personal information without consent”.

The first all-female spacewalk is taking place today — right after ‘Ellen’ so they’ll have some fun things to talk about!!

Mike Pence and Mike Pompeo negotiated a five-day cease-fire from Turkey.  [Mike drop]

  • Turkey did not, however, call it a cease fire. They referred to it as a “pause”…in killing innocent Kurdish people before steamrolling more of Syria.

New York’s City Council approved a plan to close Rikers Island and spend $8.7 billion to replace it with four high-rise prisons. They said they’ll recoup some of the money suckering tourists into thinking the jails are the Empire State Building.

  • They haven’t named the high-rise prisons, but the most popular suggestion so far is Trump Towers.

Jennifer Garner shared a video of her mammogram appointment, inspring women and disappointing creeps who disliked missing all the good parts.

Royal Caribbean banned a woman passenger for life for climbing onto the railing outside of her cabin to take a selfie. However, a spokesman for budget cruise line Carnival said she’s welcome on board their new ship Dangerous Selfie Of The Seas.

President Trump attended the ribbon-cutting of a new Louis Vuitton factory in Texas – opened to make enough luggage to carry all of Melania and Barron’s stuff when they finally ditch him.

Duchess of Sussex and new mom Meghan Markle told an interviewer “not many people have asked if I’m ok.” adding, “they also haven’t asked if I’m rich, and I am, so I guess I’m ok.”

American Airlines Captain Joe Weis, piloting his final flight for the airline, gave his flight wings pin to a 2-year-old on board, saying “NOW will you PLEASE stop crying?!”

Ethiopia opened its Imperial Palace to the public for the first time, at which point it was immediately stormed by thousands of Ethiopians wondering if they had anything to eat in there.

 

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Claudia Ochoa Felix, a curvy brunette resembling Kim Kardashian and rumored head of the armed enforcement wing of the Sinaloa drug cartel, died over the weekend. Telemundo scrapped a reality show they were planning with Ochoa Felix, “Keeping Up With The Heroin Smugglers”.

An American Airlines mechanic accused of sabotaging a jet to collect overtime repairing it may have ties to terrorist groups, said investigators who noticed he got his degree from ITT Tech in Afghanistan.

  • American Airlines said they’re looking into it, and the only terrorists they know of working for the airline are bitter old flight attendants terrorizing passengers.

United Airlines said it’s changing the rules for pilot drinking. Pilots will need to stop drinking 12 hours before takeoff; the old rule said they need to stop 12 minutes before they land.

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau admitted to wearing brownface in 2001 as part of an Aladdin costume. Trudeau said he was sorry, and that he remembered the evening for receiving the Worst Aladdin Costume award.

Instagram is restricting posts touting weight loss products and cosmetic procedures targeted at users under age 18, in what’s being called a major breakthrough in visibility for everyone over 50 on Instagram.

India banned vaping, citing government studies that it’s even more unhealthy than breathing outdoors in New Delhi.

The 2-0 Buffalo Bills have hired 600 police and security officials to curb rowdy fan behavior at their home opener. It’s the biggest police presence in Buffalo since their Super Bowl appearances, but those cops were always sent home at halftime.

Miami Dolphins linebacker Raekwon McMillAan said that, following a legal hit on Tom Brady in last Sunday’s game, he was told by a referee to “stay off Tom”. The ref was identified only as “Gisele”.

Amazon will now let you donate to presidential candidates using Alexa. “Okay stupid” said Alexa in response to an Amy Klobuchar donation.

A Rhode Island woman used a numbing agent for a toothache, then discovered it had turned her blood blue. Doctors are mystified, but the blue blood got her in to three exclusive country clubs.

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An Air Force A-10C Warthog “unintentionally released” a rocket in the Arizona desert between Phoenix and Tucson. Multiple displaced jackrabbit families applied to FEMA for disaster relief.

Severe lung illnesses in e*cigarette users may be tied to an ingredient in cannabis-containing vape products, according to nurses working the medical tent at Phish shows.

Tom Brady expressed his support for USWNT soccer star Carli Lloyd becoming a kicker in the NFL, adding that he’d show her how to make the balls easier to kick by letting a little air out of them.

Kanye West purchased Wyoming’s Monster Lake Ranch for $14 million. Wyoming had been considered one of the few remaining safe spaces from Kanye’s music.

An American Airlines mechanic allegedly sabotaged a jet carrying 150 passengers so he could collect overtime fixing his own damage. He’ll be tried separately from the catering service who sabotaged the passengers’ stomachs when they bought food on board.

A 74-year-old Indian woman now holds the record for “world’s oldest mom” after giving birth to twins following in-vitro fertilization. The twins also broke a record, becoming the youngest humans to speak a complete sentence saying “get me out of there.”

Retired NFL star Marshawn Lynch said if he were NFL Commissioner, he’d legalize marijuana for players. And cheerleaders. And fans. And pretty much everyone.

Kylie Jenner told Ellen Degeneres that her sisters “tease her” about being a billionaire, and about having to learn serious math to know, like, how much a billion is.

Former Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz announced he will no longer run for U.S. President, saying he suffered a back injury that required three surgeries, caused by carrying his money around.

Facebook officially launched Facebook Dating – its long-awaited companion product to Facebook Cheating.

Kate Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge, officially debuted new blond highlights on her kids’ first day of school. The world is now ready to learn goofy new British slang terms for blond hair.

 

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President Trump defended comments saying he’d accept dirt on a political rival from a foreign power, tweeting that he meets many international leaders, including the ‘Prince of Whales’ – the guy who won that Sumo tournament he watched in Japan.

The St. Louis Blues are National Hockey League champions after defeating the Boston Bruins in Game 7 of their playoff final. President Trump is expected to invite the team to the White House, including their newest star, Stanley Cupp.

Amanda Knox visited Italy for the first time since her 2011 acquittal of murdering her roommate. She’s expected to speak on a panel addressing media influence, and to admit that, despite spending four years in Italian prison, the food there is really great.

Singer Maren Morris posed topless for an upcoming issue of Playboy. She told fans “why don’t you just meet me in the middle?”…but was informed she didn’t get the centerfold.

You can now sign into your Google Account using iOS on an Android Phone. Try explaining that to your Dad.

Paul McCartney releases his first children’s book, ‘Hey Granddude’ in September. It’s about kids and grandparents having fun. His first manuscript ‘Grandpa Married & Divorced A Woman With a Prosthetic Leg’ was rejected by publishers.

American Airlines flight attendants are going to court to protest an attendance policy  they consider cruel. If a flight attendant accumulates 10 ‘points’ in a year for unapproved days off or lateness, a human resources rep stands & points to the exit as they’re fired.

The owner of Bombay Grill in Utah refused to allow military veterans to eat there because they were accompanied by service dogs. He defended his actions, saying the dogs tend to wipe out the whole buffet.

A German state is shutting down its Facebook page over privacy concerns, disappointing the many followers of Das Kitten Videosen.

Tiger Woods’ ex-wife, Elin Nordegren, is reportedly pregnant with a third child, and the first she’ll carry in the absence of terrible golf puns.

The New England Patriots have filed tampering charges against the Houston Texans for allegedly courting Pats’ director of player personnel Nick Caserio for their vacant GM job. The NFL will review the case with both the pot and the kettle.