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Author’s Note: Happy Anniversary to my gorgeous & wonderful wife, Erin. I love you lots….

In a BBC interview, the Dalai Lama said President Trump lacks moral principle. Dalai Lama appeared confused when, for the first time, someone said to him “duhh”.

Apple’s chief design officer, Jony Ive, is leaving the company. Ive is credited with designing Apple’s most profitable innovation, the broken iPhone.

Google Maps rerouted drivers to Denver International Airport around an accident, but sent them down a muddy dirt road where dozens of them got stuck. Several said it was the second-worst thing that happened to them that day, next to flying Frontier Airlines.

Deepnude.com, an app that manipulated photos of women to make them appear naked, was killed off by its creator – but not before the site crashed when someone tried it out with a picture of Betty White.

Cookie Monster appeared at Wrigley Field and led the crowd in the traditional 7th-inning stretch singalong of ‘Take Me Out To The Ballgame’. Meanwhile, EMTs were called to the bleachers to treat his friend, Oscar the Grouch, who was trashed.

On a new episode of “Whistleblowers” a pharmaceutical sales rep for Cephalon describes how he was told to sell Actiq – a lollipop made with powerful opioid Fentanyl. The last straw was when they Cephalon make the lollipops look like Spongebob Squarepants.

Amazon is partnering with Rite-Aid — customers can now pick up their Amazon orders in Rite-Aid stores at the same time they shoplift candy & medicine.

New Jersey officials claim a toxic algae bloom is giving swimmers in Lake Hopatcong harmful rashes – citing skin examinations of multiple mobsters dredged off of the lake bottom.

According to required SEC filings, Google workers’ median 2018 pay was $246,804, compared to Amazon workers’ median pay of just $28,836.  “This is bullsh*t” said Alexa.

Still photos from the set of Marvel’s ‘Black Widow’ movie starring Scarlett Johansson show the title character facing her most challenging nemesis yet – someone who can really act.

 

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Facebook announced its new cryptocurrency, Libra. It’s the easy-to-understand alternate currency from the people who brought you Facebook Privacy Settings.

  • Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg highlighted the need for a new cryptocurrency, because after the first few billion, U.S. dollars get boring.

Marvel Studios is rereleasing Avengers: Endgame with new scenes: of a mortuary technician’s electrocution death from pouring embalming fluid on the thing in Tony Stark’s chest, and Thanos hip-hop dancing to Snap “I’ve Got The Power”.

Rotten Tomatoes published a list of 150 Erotic Movies – Ranked Worst to Best. No men have yet challenged the rankings cause they’ve been stuck in the 140s for a while now.

Conservative publication National Review gave one of the few negative reviews to Disney’s upcoming Toy Story 4, citing cowboy Woody’s refusal to detain toys made in Mexico.

Apple will offer device repair at over 1,000 Best Buy stores, at locations called The Not Exactly Genius Bar.

Google announced a new initiative with 4-H Clubs to bring coding skills to rural towns. They just need computers with keyboards big enough for the cows’ & pigs’ hooves.

Actress Bella Thorne issued a tearful video in response to Whoopi Goldberg’s criticism of her for the release of hacked nude pictures. Goldberg said Thorne shouldn’t take nudes to begin with, a sentiment echoed by Goldberg’s long-ago boyfriend, Ted Danson in blackface.

The Federal Reserve chose not to increase interest rates, meaning borrowers’s rates will remain the same on student loans they won’t pay back anyway.

A doctor in England removed a patient’s 2 1/2-centimeter-long chunk of earwax and posted it online. The patient’s hearing was restored and they also solved the mystery of the family’s missing hamster.

BuzzFeed posted a list of photographs of first class meals on 24 different airlines.  Spirit Airlines photo was a picture of a shirtless stowaway vagrant eating an egg salad sandwich in the cargo hold.

San Francisco became the first city to ban e*cigarettes – while announcing a concurrent  plan to provide Juul’ing douchebags safe spaces to kick their habit such as poetry slams and comedy open mics.

 

 

 

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A new Gallup poll reveals 25% of Americans have “major money worries”, with a majority expressing regret for the day their “major money worries” were born.

Researchers studying sparrows and finches say they line nests with cigarette butts to ward off parasitic mites, but they also have difficulty flying long distances on account of smoking all those Marlboros.

Tom Rice, 97, a U.S. paratrooper who survived D-Day, relived it 75 years later by skydiving to the same spot. Everything went great until he landed and chased sunbathers on Normandy Beach with a bayonet.

Actress Marcia Cross says that her anal cancer is linked to her husband’s throat cancer, and nobody wants to hear more details.

Apple is launching a menstrual period tracking app to advise women when their period starts. Husbands and boyfriends of women with PMS can use it to avoid them.

Google is enhancing SOS Alerts – its warning feature for those in the path of natural disasters – with ‘visualizations’ of floods, hurricanes & earthquakes. “Look kids!..here’s what’s going to level our house!” said a Dad gathering kids around his phone.

Amazon claims that, within months, it could have drones delivering packages under five pounds up to 15 miles, thanks to guidance they’ve received consulting with drug dealers.

GM plans to offer airless, puncture-proof tires on new vehicles, starting with the 2024 Chevy Big Wheel.

Walmart is swapping out its workers’ blue vests – introducing grey vests with neon accents, which they say will make it easier for customers to locate sleeping employees.

Bernie Sanders introduced a shareholder resolution to put hourly workers on the Walmart Board of Directors. The move was defeated, with many hourly workers voting against it thinking they’d get a sore ass sitting on a board.

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New research from the CDC claims we still don’t know how many diseases are caused by tick bites. “We just want to surprise humans to keep the relationship fresh,” say ticks.

The “10,000 Steps” rule is challenged by new research claiming longevity benefits are achieved walking just 4,400 steps/day, ending at 7,000 steps. The study followed a guy walking 18 holes of golf who had a heart attack at 7,100 steps.

A Louisiana Catholic School principal was fired after his arrest at a DC strip club during a school field trip. He was charged with disorderly conduct for yelling at the dancers to put their school uniforms back on.

The 91-year-old mother of ‘El Chapo’ Guzman obtained a visa so she can travel from Mexico to visit her son in a New York prison. She wants to bring him enchiladas, as soon as she arrives via the tunnel beneath the jail.

A female swimsuit model ran on the field during the Tottenham/Liverpool Champions League Soccer Championship to promote her boyfriend’s porn website. She avoided contact with players, but a few flopped anyway out of habit.

Apple plans to discontinue iTunes, but will introduce new music apps to sync with Apple devices and destroy your content.

Pamela Taylor, a West Virginia official who called Michelle Obama “an ape in heels”, will serve 10 months in jail for defrauding FEMA out of $18,000. Ironically, she’ll be safest in her new jungle when she’s locked in her cage.

The White House created a tool for users to report anti-conservative media bias. It’s called the Fox News app.

A trade group warned U.S. airline profitability will drop 20% this year. In response, airlines will charge passengers for the bags under their eyes.

President Trump denied calling Meghan Markle ‘nasty’, despite audio of him saying it. He plans to fix the issue just as soon as he can grab her pussy.

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Self driving cars are now on the streets of Hamburg, Germany. More Hamburg’ers are getting dropped and run over than at a McDonald’s drive-thru.

Apple is dropping the price of iPhones in China. Apple’s Chinese factory workers are worried that decreased profit sharing contributions will create higher out-of-pocket costs for juice boxes.

Lori Loughlin fans gathered at a Boston courthouse as she faced felony charges in a college admissions scam. Boston cable tv service was down due to overload caused by the fans all setting their DVRs to record Hallmark Channel while they were out.

28,000 chickens died in a massive fire in rural Berks County, Pennsylvania. Residents nearby wondered why, with that many chickens burning, there weren’t firemen already there.

Former Green Bay Packers coach Mike McCarthy said in an interview his firing by the team was handled poorly – a stark contrast to the majority of people who get fired and think their former employer did a stellar job at it.

Tyson Foods recalled 10 tons of beef patties for possible plastic contamination. Some of the beef had been shipped to school cafeterias, where it had been certified by lunch ladies as “fine with me”.

President Trump claimed in a speech that wind farms cause cancer, citing his own personal experience of wind making his hair fall out.

Ellen Degeneres, responding to Brunei approving stoning executions of homosexuals and adulterers, called for a boycott of hotels owned by Brunei. These include The Beverly Hills Hotel & Hotel Bel-Air in Los Angeles, and an airport Best Western in Newark where the sultans send wives they got tired of.

A new survey in The Lancet states that 20% of global death is linked to poor diet. The Lancet concluded that if Thanos couldn’t obtain all of the Infinity Stones, his backup plan was McDonald’s gift cards.

New research from Sophia University in Tokyo concludes that some house cats are capable of recognizing their own names. They say the cats most likely to respond are those with the given name CanOfCatFoodOpening.

 

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Big Bird appeared on stage at Apple’s press event. He helped announced a new Sesame Workshop program that will teach children how to code once their shift is over at the iPad factory.

Apple announced a credit card that would be accessed via the iPhone. So if you’re too broke to fix your iPhone after you drop it, your credit card will be declined.

Attorney Michael Avenatti was charged with attempting to extort $20 million from Nike. Nike said they didn’t care what sneakers Stormy Daniels wore when she banged Donald Trump.

A chunk of ice twice the size of Manhattan could break off of Antarctica at any time. Impacted polar bears promise they’ll return to their parents ice floe to visit.

Yale University rescinded the admission of a student whose family paid $1.2 million in the current college admissions scandal to get them in. But, wouldn’t you know it, they found a different student whose family would give $1.3 million to Yale directly!

Avengers:Endgame is over three hours long. Bored parents and girlfriends are hoping Thanos isn’t defeated too soon so he can use the Time Stone to speed things up.

A gigantic T. Rex skeleton found in Canada is officially the world’s biggest. It’s believed the T. Rex moved to Canada to avoid the war with cavemen.

New Jersey lawmakers approved a ‘Right to Die’ bill for terminally ill patients. Those who can afford medical euthanasia will be free to do so; less affluent people will be allowed  to swim during Jersey Shore riptides.

A new study finds that old people can generate fresh brain cells. Doctors made the discovery while showing nursing home residents never-before-seen episodes of ‘Murder She Wrote’.

A Houston, Texas woman gave birth to three sets of twins in nine minutes. “I never say this, but you might want to stop pushing” said the attending doctor.

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Today’s Google Doodle pays tribute to inventor Seiichi Miyake, who invented “tactile pavement” 52 years ago. The blocks with raised dots help the visually impaired navigate busy traffic areas, and help drunk people trip and fall in front of moving trains.

Apple introduced the new iPad Air, which is lighter than the $499 pile of cash you’ll need to pay for it.

Doctors reversed their recommendation to take daily low doses of aspirin to prevent heart attacks in older adults. The move was praised by older women who liked being able to say they still have a headache.

The U.S. government seized one million pounds of pork illegally shipped from China to a port in Newark, in an effort to prevent African swine fever, a disease known to kill pigs. Until further notice, all of New York & New Jersey is out of the pork lo mein.

A town outside of San Francisco is suing the owner of a Flintstones-inspired house, complete with dinosaur figurines from the show, calling it an “eyesore”. The home has been listed for sale for over $4 million, but isn’t getting much interest since it has no electricity or running water, and the toilets are pelican beaks.

A new study claims smoking just one cigarette a day during pregnancy doubles the risk of the baby’s sudden death, probably by house fire or by the baby choking on nicotine gum.

An 8-year-old homeless refugee boy won the New York State Scholastic Chess Championship in the Kindergarten-to-3rd grade division, then promptly hocked his trophy for a Happy Meal. 

Thomas Panek, a blind runner, finished the NYC half-marathon with the help of three guide dogs. Crowds alternately cheered Panek and died laughing at the dogs’ short shorts.

Lori Loughlin is reportedly out of the cast of ‘Fuller House’, leaving producers and writers frustrated over having to scrap a May/December same-sex wedding between Aunt Becky and Kimmy Gibler.

Jerome Kunkel, an 18-year-old unvaccinated student in Kentucky, is suing his school district for banning him from attendance during a chicken pox outbreak. Kunkel and his family are concerned the missed time will prevent his promotion to fifth grade.

 

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Guinness Book of World Records recognized Kane Tanaka, a 116-year-old Japanese woman, as the World’s Oldest Living Person. Asked what part of her life she enjoyed most, Tanaka replied “This right now” adding, “the 1930s”.

China is reportedly banning minors appearing in livestream Internet videos. This, despite the surging popularity of “unboxing” videos featuring Chinese children opening their employment offers from Apple.

The son of a Missouri City, Texas donut shop owner tweeted a photo of his father along with “My dad is sad because no one is coming to his new donut shop.” His message was retweeted 202,000 times – 201,000 of those were from the Missouri City Police Dept.

Justin Bieber asked for fans prayers after revealing on social media that he’s been “struggling a lot”. Bieber’s most loyal fans then dropped what they were doing and asked God to get him a divorce.

Actress Brie Larson dressed up in a Captain Marvel sweatsuit to greet fans at an AMC movie theater in Clifton, New Jersey. She even sold sodas and popcorn, but disappointed dozens of New Jersey women who just wanted to buy the sweatsuit.

President Trump denied calling Apple CEO Tim Cook “Tim Apple”, despite video confirming it.  Trump then announced he will enlist the Space Force to thwart the restarted nuclear efforts of Kim Korea, which he believes is being secretly funded by billionaire tech founder Sergei Google.

Boeing stock fell sharply following the second fatal crash involving a less-than-a-year-old 737 MAX jetliner flown by Ethiopia Airlines. Also falling sharply – 737 MAX jetliners.

Tesla announced improvements to their supercharging stations, saying they’ll be able to charge vehicles in a fraction of the time. The news was welcomed by Tesla owners, saying it frees up time for them to brag about their cars and sleep behind the wheel on autopilot.

A Birmingham City soccer fan ran onto the playing field and sucker-punched an opposing player from Aston Villa during the match. Officials with Birmingham City said they’ll be making modifications to future “Meet The Players Night”.

Toyota filed a patent application for a “vehicle fragrance dispenser system”, which would dispense tear gas if the car was stolen, or dispense it only to passengers if they break their promise to hold it in on the ride home from dinner.

 

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The partial Government shutdown cost the U.S. economy $3 billion. The only other organization where it costs that much for 800,000 people to not work for a month is Walmart.

Former Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz announced on ’60 Minutes’ that he’s “seriously considering” a run for President. Starbucks baristas are already writing on cups: ‘Harold Schwartz 2020!’

Fox Television aired a pre-recorded version of ‘Rent’ for its ‘Rent Live!’ telecast Sunday night, after lead actor Brennin Hunt – who played Roger – was injured in dress rehearsal. It was either air the recording, or do the show live and have Roger say he got AIDS from a sprained ankle.

New research finds that participation in youth sports results in stronger bones for teens and young adults. The findings were confirmed by an independent panel of bullies who all agreed it’s easier to break the bones of kids who aren’t athletes.

American and Taliban officials have reportedly agreed to a framework of a deal which could lead to a pullout of U.S. troops in exchange for the Taliban leaving areas of Afghanistan. The Taliban says they’ll sign it as soon as they figure out who to decapitate to get the blood for the signature.

‘Teen Mom’ star Kailyn Lowry fired back at critics after she admitted to not vaccinating two of her three children. Lowry said she knows what’s best for her children, except for how to prevent having them while a teenager.

A student in Belgium died after reheating and eating spaghetti that had been left at room temperature for five days. A post-mortem exam revealed he died of bacterial poisoning from B. cereus — as in, “you can’t B cereus eating five-day old spaghetti.”

Glenn Close won a SAG Award for Best Actress in ‘The Wife’ — and also for her breasts.

President Trump is ‘..pissed off’ at former White House staffer Cliff Sims upcoming tell-all book ‘Team of Vipers’. Trump reportedly asks “who is this guy?”, calling Sims “the videographer” since he helped with weekly video messages. Staffers are asking Trump to ignore it, including Mike Pence. “Pence? Who is this guy?” Trump said.

A Business Insider poll states that one in three iPhone owners aren’t upgrading because of high prices and a lack of new features. “Hey, I have a family to feed!” said a worried 10-year-old on an iPhone assembly line.

 

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Apple will switch all iPhone displays to OLED starting in 2020, saying their customers demand the highest-resolution screen that breaks when it falls on the sidewalk.

Fox News anchor Bret Baier returned to work after crashing his rental car on a family ski trip to Montana. Baier thanked motorists and first responders for helping him and his family, then issued a blistering five-minute editorial blaming the icy, liberal highway.

Uber is rolling out Uber Rewards, its new loyalty program. The tiered system awards 1 point per dollar spent on Uber Pool or Eats, 2 points on UberX, 3 points on UberBlack, and 100 points for settling a sexual harassment lawsuit against a driver.

McDonald’s is offering ‘Bacon Hour’ from 4 to 5 p.m. on January 29th. Customers can get a free side of applewood smoked bacon with any purchase; McDonald’s said this is part of ongoing efforts to offer customers healthier options than their traditional menu.

Following their overtime loss in the AFC Championship Game, the Kansas City Chiefs fired their defensive coordinator Bob Sutton. Several Chiefs defensive players went to hug Sutton on his way out and missed.

Netflix joined the Motion Picture Association of America. Because the impact of those top-quality Adam Sandler movies on there just can’t be ignored any longer.

Cars.com named the Mazda MX-5 Miata winner of their “Most Fun Car to Drive” award. It’s the second of two awards for the two-seater convertible, the other being the “Car Most Guys Wouldn’t Be Caught Dead In” award.

President Trump will not be allowed to give his State of the Union address in the House of Representatives, due to a refusal from Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. Trump is evaluating other locations, and is in talks with the Speaker of the House of Pancakes.

  • Trump is reportedly preparing different versions of his speech depending on where it’s given. If it’s in Washington, it starts “My fellow Americans and members of Congress.” If it’s at a campaign rally, it starts “Greetings, suckers.”

Microsoft reports that Bing is down in China. Several Microsoft employees were dispatched to help Bing back to her feet.

Hyundai is making a new airbag system, to protect passengers when a vehicle is hit several times in a single accident. Hyundai will field test cars that get hit multiple times, so they recruited 100 eighty-year-old drivers, and expect the results in a couple of hours.