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Jennifer Lopez cancelled her 30-city ‘This Is Me..Now’ Summer Tour. Sales were so lousy, Ticketmaster offered to cut their per-ticket fee in half to $50 each.

The CDC has confirmed a second human case of bird flu. The government is concerned about further transmission, since infected birds can’t find N95 masks that fit their beaks.

Claudia Sheinbaum was elected as the first female President of Mexico. “What a mitzvah!” said Mexicans.

New warnings were issued concerned elevated lead levels in spices. High volume of lead was found in Badia brand cinnamon, and in Belly Full Of Lead Toast Crunch cereal.

An AT&T executive endorses “reverse mentoring” – asking younger co-workers about the strategies they use to succeed in their jobs. So far her youth mentors have taught her a lot about letting older people do their work.

Due to a calendar anomaly, Social Security payments will be delayed a week for recipients whose birthdates are between the 1st and 10th of a month. Cracker Barrel hostesses and servers are advised to adjust their plans accordingly.

A flight attendant on Tik Tok said one of the reasons they greet passengers as they board is to determine if they’re too drunk or sick to fly. A Spirit flight atttendant said they also like to assess who’s most likely to win the in-air fistfights they bet on.

Philadelphia drag queens set a record for the largest attendance at a drag queen storytime reading, with 263 people in attendance. Drag queens said they were thrilled with the support, but not thrilled by how much the kids tipped.

Serial record=breaker David Rush established a new record by using only his nose to exhale and inflate 28 balloons in under three minutes. He’s now being treated for a world record sinus infection.

Lenny Kravitz claims he’s been celibate for years for “spiritual reasons”. Incels are now busily updating their dating app profiles to say that they, too, haven’t had sex for years because they’re just like Lenny Kravitz.

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Apple announced they’re ending development on an autonomous self-driving electric car, which is devastating news to the 13 & Under Division of the United Chinese Auto Workers Association.

AT&T promised to refund $5 for their massive cellular outage last week. Their AT&T customers will see a bill credit; Boost Mobile customers on AT&T’s network asked if they can get the five bucks in their CashApp.

Donald Trump is trying to post a $100 million bond to appeal his $450 million financial fraud judgment, instead of the full judgment amount required by New York law. He said he has the other $350 million, but the banks in Moscow are closed.

Google CEO Sundar Pichai called its Gemini AI blunder – which depicted Asians & Blacks as World War II-era Nazis – “unacceptable”. “Yeah! What HE said!” replied American Nazis.

Saudi Arabia’s Public Investment Fund will sponsor the Men’s ATP Tennis Tour. They wanted to sponsor the Women’s Tour, but players felt they’d trip on the ankle-length skirts.

Mitch McConnell will step down from his role as GOP Leader in the U.S. Senate, in a prepared announcement made by the sign language interpreter, then by McConnell himself a minute later when the words finally traveled from his brain to his mouth.

Monica Lewinsky made her fashion debut in a campaign for L.A.-based work apparel brand Reformation, with one photo captioned ‘Monica F*cking Lewinsky’. Historians are debating whether the f should be an s. R

‘The Sopranos‘ actress Drea De Matteo said joining OnlyFans saved her house from foreclosure and paid off her mortgage “in five minutes” at a time when she had only $10 to her name. Meanwhile, OnlyFans posthumous nudes of Paulie Walnuts haven’t been a real moneymaker.

Actress Busy Philipps said of her role in infamous Wayans Brothers film ‘White Chicks‘ that she was embarrassed at first….and second…and third…and now.

Hip-hop superstar Travis Scott’s Brentwood, California mansion is now resting on a massive hillside crack. He’s concerned, but as his romance with Kylie Jenner would show, he’s also a fan of massive cracks.

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Northeastern U.S. states are reporting a norovirus ‘stomach bug’ infection rate of 15% of the total population. It’s so bad, people are boarding Carnival Cruises to try and escape it.

A Florida man had 150 live bugs removed from his nostrils and sinuses, that he says he didn’t know were there. Although when he blew his nose the handkerchief would walk away when he set it down.

A Pennsylavnia man was convicted of his 12th DUI. He’s been given a star on the Field Sobriety Test Straight Line Walk Of Fame.

Makers of home pregnancy tests are introducing new menopause tests. They’re really just thermometers to see how high the hot flashes are.

Elon Musk said the human patient with a Neuralink brain implant can control a computer mouse with his mind. The patient used it to type the message “get.. this ..f*cking.. thing… out… of… my… brain…”

AT&T customers experienced a massive cell phone outage early this morning – forcing many of them to visit their parents & grandparents for the first time in years to borrow their land line.

Google updated the sign-in page for user accounts, making it easier across a variety of devices to log on and give them information to sell.

A new study finds 1 in 4 college students make less than their counterparts with only a high school degree. They didn’t get more specific, only to say the college rhymes with Muniversity of Schmoenix.

American casinos won $66.5 billion in 2023, the best year ever. “We’re due!” said compulsive gamblers.

A woman claims her family suffered food poisoning after eating a cake that her 8-year-old daughter made in an Easy Bake Oven. The family recovered, but the child is devastated by her parents’ Yelp! reviews.

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Norway’s worst mass murderer in the nation’s history appeared at his parole hearing and started it with a Nazi salute, which the parole board called “a real time-saver”.

Philadelphia now requires vaccination for indoor dining. Those without proper vaccine status are encouraged to go to North Philly where they can be shot twice in no time.

U.S. communications providers Verizon and AT&T delayed the deployment of 5G signals near airports due to the risk of interference with aircraft instruments, though it won’t interfere with Spirit Airlines tin can-and-string communication systems.

Cracker Barrel was ordered to pay a customer $9.4 million for serving a glass of cleaning chemicals instead of water, permanently damaging his throat. They’re also being criticized for their first aid response, which involved stuffing his mouth with biscuits to soak up the chemical.

Saturnino de la Fuente, Guinness record holder as World’s Oldest Man, died in Spain at the age of 112 years, 341 days. Guinness contacted de la Fuente’s family to ask if they wouldn’t mind shipping the plaque to some other old dude.

A Japanese man with a graduate degree in physics rents himself out to ‘do nothing’ with strangers at a rate of $90 for several hours. He plans to emigrate to the United States and raise his rate to $174,000/year as a member of the Senate.

A Tesla owner was charged with felony manslaughter after putting the car on autopilot, driving through a red light and killing the occupants of another vehicle. The driver pled not guilty, and the car hired its own lawyer.

Texas rapper Sad Frosty died unexpectedly at age 24. First responders were unable to revive him by placing an old silk hat they found on his head.

The Taliban ordered all shop owners to behead their mannequins, because they’re “idols” banned by Islam. Shop owners are struggling to find cantaloupes so they can properly display hooded sweatshirts.

A woman posted on TikTok that her husband prepared “hormone food” to remedy her infertility, and that she’s now pregnant. She credits the delicious meals which she ate during lunches with the teenager who cleans their pool.

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Stephanie Matto, star of 90 Day Fiance, shut down her business selling farts in a jar, claiming her diet of smoothies, beans and eggs caused severe gas pains. She’ll issue refunds for customers who bought gift cards to give out at Christmas.

A sign posted in a University of Maryland dormitory informs male students that masturbating in the shower is a housing code violation, and that the pipes “aren’t designed to handle semen”. That, and there’s a rash of unwanted pregnancies in campus sewer rats.

The European Union banned tattoo ink containing carcinogenic chemicals. Tattoo artists say this is hurting their ability to serve loyal customers who want new tattoos to commemorate their cancer battle.

Verizon & AT&T refused to delay the launch of 5G technology at the request of the FAA, who is concerned 5G may interfere with airline communication. “My jet is going down!” said an airline passenger over a smartphone with a speedy and reliable Verizon 5G connection.

French President Emmanuel Macron said he intends to “piss off” unvaccinated French citizens with severe restrictions to their ability accessing public places. Actually he said something sounding more like “peas uff” but French people still understood him.

AirlineRatings.com, an industry website, named Air New Zealand 2022’s Safest Airline based on crash & incident records, age of aircraft, COVID protocols, and fewest sticky seats from duct-taping enraged passengers.

KFC will begin selling plant-based Beyond Fried Chicken nuggets, which taste like chicken, but isn’t. This is different from their standard offering, which tastes like chicken, and mostly is.

For the first time, ABC’s ‘The Bachelor‘ had a bachelorette withdraw from the competition. Salley, a woman who’d been engaged but called off the wedding, said she was going home. Producers were confused, saying they didn’t know how to handle contestants behaving with dignity.

‘Real Housewives Of Miami’ star Lisa Hochstein said she’s removing her cosmetic ‘facial fillers’, saying she wants her face to look empty again.

John Deere introduced a fully autonomous self-driving tractor, which plows and harvests fields so farmers can spend more time in the barn building relationships with cows and sheep.

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Viral video shows an armless man in a motorized wheelchair pointing a gun held with his foot at a jewelry store clerk during a robbery. The perpetrator made off with several Rolex anklewatches.

Bruce Springsteen reportedly sold his music catalog to Sony for $500 million: roughly $499,999,990 for songs prior to 1990, and the rest for everything after.

The NFL Jacksonville Jaguars fired head coach Urban Meyer after less than one year on the job. He’ll be replaced on an interim basis by Rural Meyer.

After two seasons, Disney+ cancelled ‘Diary Of A Future President‘ about a Cuban-American teen girl who grows up to become President of the United States. The creator is sad they didn’t make Season 3, where she teams up with Ivanka Trump to overthrow the government and become President.

Feral hogs have overrun a Southeast Texas county, roaming in packs of dozens and wrecking property in their path. Perhaps worst of all, they’re cutting the lines at the Chick-fil-A drive thrus.

90-Day Fiance star Stephanie Matto claims she’s made $100,000 selling her farts in jars. She claims she ate so many fiber bars to generate flatulence that she almost landed in the hospital – delaying a large shipment to Mar A Lago.

Ben Affleck said he abused alcohol while married to Jennifer Garner because he felt trapped, and that if they were married he’d still be drinking. Affleck said he’d sleep on the couch and drink scotch – 13 ounces, going on 30.

Hilaria Baldwin posted the family’s “perfectly imperfect” Instagram holiday card – calling it that because they only took one shot.

AT&T will comply with the January 6th Committee’s subpeona for phone records of members of Congress. Boost Mobile has yet to respond after Lauren Boebert, Marjorie Taylor-Greene, Jim Jordan & others switched on January 7th.

McDonald’s reclaimed $105 million paid to former CEO Steve Easterbrook as severance, after proving Easterbrook lied about three inappropriate sexual relationships with employees, known only as Red R, Black H, and Purple G.

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Meghan Markle’s father underwent heart surgery, ruling out his walking her down the aisle at Saturday’s Royal Wedding. But there’s still a small chance he could wheel her down the aisle.

Disney World announced they’re now serving alcohol at every table-service restaurant in the Magic Kingdom. Building on the success of their popular children’s breakfasts with Disney characters, adult men can now pay a fixed price to see if they can get a Princess hammered enough to go home with them.

20th Century Fox named Suzanne Scott its first-ever woman CEO, overseeing channels such as Fox News and Fox Business Network. Scott starts after a two-week suspension she imposed on herself for inappropriately touching the CEO.

President Trump called Scott to congratulate her on having such a nice ass.

The White House announced that President Trump donated his quarterly salary to the Department of Veterans Affairs – this after recently filed ethics forms disclosed he’d donated the prior quarter’s salary to the Department of Porn Star Affairs.

AT&T and Verizon will sell the $1300 RED Hydrogen One smartphone later this year. According to RED, the phone has a display capable of displaying “4-view holographic content.” Now owners of the phone can tell their Tinder hookups ‘you look nothing like your holograph.’

Princess Cruises is introducing the Sky Princess, a new ship that will sail the Caribbean with luxury cabins that accommodate up to five people — and luxury toilets that will let three of them with norovirus vomit at the same time.

Nev Schulman, host of MTV’s ‘Catfish’, is suspended while being investigated on charges of sexual misconduct by women who are, like, totally real and totally, like, not guys.

A Washington state Court of Appeals ruled that crime scene photos from Kurt Cobain’s death will not be released publicly. The decision regarding the photos was welcomed by Cobain’s widow, Courtney Love, who’s excited to start selling them.

According to the April edition of NOAA’s Global Climate Report, Earth has recorded warmer-than-average temperatures for 400 straight months. However, the findings are disputed by your wife standing in front of the thermostat.

Recent tax law changes limiting deductible expenses are causing small businesses to cut back on entertainment outings for clients. Some businesses have stopped taking clients to expensive dinners and sporting events, and are killing the buzz at strip clubs by taking ten minutes to negotiate rates before buying clients’ lap dances.

A Delta Airlines flight crew postponing a takeoff due to a medical emergency asked if a doctor was on board, and were surprised to learn Surgeon General Jerome Adams was on board. Adams tweeted that he successfully treated the patient, which involved telling the ill passenger to stop eating the sandwich Delta gave them.

Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney hosted a party for city residents 100 years of age or older. 110 centenarians came to the party, and 107 made it until the end.

 

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Wildlife workers in New Jersey were able to rescue a young male deer who had a glass bowl stuck on his head. The deer was released into the wild, but only after the workers delivered the sad news that he could never be an astronaut.

President Trump angry-tweeted at California Governor Jerry Brown for pardoning convicts facing deportation, calling Brown “Moonbeam”. Brown said he expected that from Trump — adding that Trump appears to have lost his ‘chi’ and his chakras are waaaay out of alignment.

A Long Island, NY judge is accused of breaking into his neighbor’s home and stealing three pairs of panties from the hamper of their 23-year-old daughter. His attorney filed a motion for bail, but didn’t file any other briefs.

Mexico is concerned that increasing violence is threatening the lucrative tourism business in areas such as Cancun, Los Cabos and Playa del Carmen. It’s gotten so bad, luxury hotels now welcome guests with gifts of bulletproof sombreros.

Actor Eddie Redmayne gave a reading at the funeral of Stephen Hawking. Critics said that Redmayne came off sounding robotic.

President Trump’s pick for National Security Adviser, John Bolton, called Russian election meddling “a true act of war”. Bolton then cut into a steak served medium instead of medium rare like he ordered it, telling the waiter it was “a true act of war”.

Apple issued a new version of iOS that tells iPhone users when it’s time to change their phone battery. It works by detecting when the iPhone owner has $29.

Researchers at Carnegie Mellon University have developed knitting patterns for making 3D shapes. Now instead of scarves and mittens, your grandma can knit you a stuffed animal made of yarn that you can throw away, instead.

Sinclair Broadcasting is under fire for forcing its anchors to read a company-issued  statement that many view as pro-Trump. The statement read “tune in at 8 for a hilarious new episode of ‘Roseanne’ “.

Walmart is rumored to be buying health insurer Humana, so you can look forward to having the claim for your lifesaving surgery denied by a high-school dropout making $10/hour.

Tesla posted an update on its website regarding a fatal accident where a vehicle’s owner died when his Tesla crashed on autopilot. The vehicle was still being examined,  and the autopilot remained jailed after refusing a breathalyzer.

Personal and financial information from shoppers of Saks Fifth Avenue was stolen. Hackers obtained the wealthy, bored, housewives’ credit card information, purchase history, and the names of their favorite gardeners, pool boys and gigolos.

Following a boycott request from Parkland shooting survivor and activist David Hogg, over a dozen companies have dropped their ads from Fox News’ ‘The Ingraham Angle’. Holdout advertisers include Sleep Number, ATT, Allstate and catheter lawsuits.

 

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Trade group Calorie Control Council estimates that the average American will consume 3,000 calories on Thanksgiving. It would take a 180-pound person five hours of jogging to burn those calories, or about two years’ worth of visits if they belong to Planet Fitness.

President Trump is officially dissolving his charitable organization, the Trump Foundation, to avoid conflicts of interest. Specifically, the conflict between Trump saying he’s donating to charity and actually doing it.

Subscribers of Dish Network lost access to local CBS stations resulting from a fee dispute between the two companies. Several rural Dish Network customers who hadn’t heard of the dispute fell off their roofs and died trying to fix it.

The New England Patriots defeated the Oakland Raiders 33-8 in the NFL’s annual Mexico City game. Kickoff was delayed because when players emerged from the tunnel, they were standing at the border of Guatemala.

FCC Chairman Ajit Pai introduced a draft order to eliminate net neutrality regulations that prohibit cable & wireless providers from prioritizing or slowing specific content internet content. The move was praised by Comcast, AT&T, Verizon and others, who say customers can trust them to manage their networks fairly, then their CEOs fell on each other in a laughing heap.

CBS and PBS have suspended Charlie Rose amid sexual misconduct allegations from eight women. Rose issued a statement of apology; he offered to read it, but the women didn’t have all day.

Shares of Campbell Soup dropped 7% after the company reported weak earnings, despite adding water to try and stretch them.

British startup bio-bean is teaming with energy companies on a coffee-bean based fuel that will be used in London’s diesel buses. Bio-bean extracts coffee oil from used coffee grounds and mixes it with diesel and other fuels. The founder got the idea after seeing Americans burst in to flames while smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee from Dunkin Donuts.

NerdWallet’s 2017 Consumer Holiday Shopping Report is out, and gift-buying Americans say they’ll spend an average of $660 on stuff their friends & family will do a bad job pretending to like.

  • 24% of Millennials are still carrying holiday debt from 2016, mainly because their parents can’t figure out how to Venmo the money so they can pay it off entirely.

Softbank Robotics is trialing programs at elder care facilities for its Nao robot, which is able to lead seniors in exercise, respond to verbal commands to keep them company, and take their jewelry while they sleep.