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A shark bit a 14-year-old boy during a lifeguard training class in Florida. Organizers have since stopped lifeguards-in-training from trying CPR on sharks.

Google will begin offering “dark web reports” to all users in late July, so they can see who else besides Google is abusing their personal information.

Customers of Ticketmaster whose personal information may have been compromised in a hack have been told to sign up for a credit monitoring service, for a $75 convenience fee.

Hailey Welch of ‘Hawk Tuah’ viral fame surpassed 1 million Instagram followers. She’s now offering social media mentoring to her sister, Slurp Tuah.

Google Maps is now suggesting in-route ‘detours’ to sponsored advertisers’ destinations – leading to record enrollment in Google Ads training by truck stop prostitutes.

People Magazine published a list of 13 rules that men must follow to be cast on The Bachelorette – including agreement to 24-hour filming, cell phone confiscation, limited Internet access, and a psychological exam they’re required to fail.

Brazil’s Pantanal – the world’s largest wetland – is on fire. Responders have no choice but to make it even wetter.

Masked thieves stole $1,700 from a Chipotle restaurant in the Philadelphia suburbs. They’d originally taken $1,600, but then asked for a little extra.

Twitch streamer Sketch – who livestreams Madden NFL football video games – addressed the leak of OnlyFans porn he’d done years earlier. He expressed relief that he no longer had to hide it, but promised his football followers he’d no longer be spiked in the end zone.

Leonardo DiCaprio reportedly was a good samaritan, helping a drunk party guest at a bash in the Hamptons over the weekend. DiCaprio reported helped the man sober up to the point where he could give DiCaprio the phone number of his 21-year-old cousin.

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A couple ‘magnet fishing’ in Corona Park, Queens retrieved a metal safe containing $100,000 in waterlogged cash. A different couple ‘concrete block fishing’ in the East River caught multiple skeletons of Teamsters missing for decades.

President Biden issued an executive order shutting down the Mexican border once the count of illegal immigrants exceeds 2,500 per day. The Border Patrol is busy each morning installing delicatessen ticket rolls that go up to 2,499.

Thomas Manzo, ex-husband of Real Housewives of New Jersey Dina Manzo, was arrested for hiring a mobster to beat up her new boyfriend. Thomas Manzo was also sued for breach of contract by Bravo network for not letting them film it.

Hunter Biden is currently on trial for illegally purchasing a gun while using crack cocaine, a felony. His trial will be followed by a dozen defendants accused of selling guns while on a crack cocaine, a popular hobby in Wilmington, Delaware.

WNBA rookie Angel Reese of the Chicago Sky was ejected from the team’s loss to New York for back-to-back technical fouls. Reese, who earns $81,000/year, was assessed the league’s highest penalty – three games without makeup or false eyelashes.

Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft launched, sending two astronauts to the International Space Station. Boeing officials say the Starliner mission is going as planned, with the capsule door expected to blow off, dumping the astronnauts on to the ISS porch.

An oncologist said dying people’s four most common last phrases are “tell me you love me”; “I love you”; “forgive me”; and “I forgive you”…..followed by “turn up the tv”, among people who die more suddenly.

East Coast wildlife officials are warning of Joro spiders, venomous flying arachnids with 4-inch legs. They’ve been predicted to arrive in New York and New Jersey since 2022, but have had a tough time finding affordable housing.

A Philadelphia mother has gone viral for building a $29,000 ‘Cinderella castle’ for her daughter’s prom send-off. Her date’s father spent considerably less on his son’s prom send-off, $9 for a 3-pack of condoms.

The Marubo, a remote Brazilian tribe in the Amazon jungle was finally connected to the Internet thanks to Elon Musk’s Starlink service – but tribal leaders say many are now addicted to porn and social media. However, they don’t seem to mind the five-figure weekly checks for the Marubo Mamas OnlyFans.

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Buffalo Wild Wings opened its 100th takeout & delivery ‘Go’ location, and says one-third of its sales are made outside of sit-down restaurants. Now 33% of customers say “this food sucks” to themselves in living rooms instead of to BWW servers.

Golden Bachelor Gerry Turner, 72 and wife Theresa Nist, 70 are ending their marriage after just three months. It’s the Early Bird Special Divorce.

All of O.J. Simpson’s children visited him before he died, but they were not allowed to have their cell phones with them, and were required to sign non-disclosure agreements. O.J. then confessed that Hertz wasn’t the best rental car agency.

Apple upgraded its AirTag functionality to allow sharing of the tracking devices with up to five people. Now you can enlist friends to help you stalk your ex-spouse or partner.

Vietnam real estate tycoon Truong My Lan was sentenced to death after she defrauded the nation’s banks out of $12.5 billion, or 304 trillion dong. Residents said they could only dream of seeing that many dongs.

Earlier this week, the terms ‘eclipse’; ‘total eclipse’; and ‘eclipse sex’ were the top 3 searches on Pornhub. For those curious, eclipse sex is intercourse with a partner so big you can’t see one of them.

Viral video shows an exchange at a Florida airport with a Spirit Airlines employee saying “F**k you, too!” while reviewing a woman’s boarding pass. A spokesperson for Spirit Airlines explained this is the official greeting for Spirit’s frequent flyers.

Errors were corrected to the base of a statue honoring the late Kobe Bryant, including some statistics in the engraved box score of Bryant’s 81-point game, and a statement claiming he never sexually assaulted anyone.

A grease fire in the kitchen of The Tamron Hall Show forced the evacuation of her studio, and The View, which films in an adjacent studio. The fire was extinguished without incident, and Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar fought over who got the french fries.

17 countries were ranked in terms of the size of women’s buttocks, with South Africa having the biggest, India the smallest, and the U.S. ranked 6th. Curiously, Brazil was omitted, because the researchers just wanted to give other countries a chance.

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Only 60% of student loan borrowers made payments once they were resumed in October, according to students borrowers asking their parents if they made the payment.

Brazilian model Caroline Werner slammed the country’s legal system after she was arrested and handcuffed for walking her dogs while topless on a local beach. Men on the beach defended Werner, saying they’re always happy to see those puppies.

Pennsylvania is considering a bill mandating active-shooter panic alarms in schools – providing kids hoping to cancel tests witb a second option after the fire alarm.

Uber introduced a new service returning gifts for customers. Drivers are currently learning how to sexually harass sweaters and small appliances.

A bird strike forced the emergency landing of a Southwest Airlines flight. Taking a cue from Southwest, the bird cancelled all of its remaining flights that day.

Colorado Rep. Lauren Boebert announced she won’t run for reelection in the third Congressional district where she lives, but will run in the state’s fourth district. She considered abandoning Colorado altogether, but found out OnlyFans customers don’t get their own Congressman.

Donald Trump issued an angry social media post refuting an accusation that he “bullied” his way to a cameo in Home Alone 2: Lost In New York. He then reiterated his claim that the Wet Bandits stole votes in battleground states.

University of Wisconsin LaCrosse fired Chancellor Joe Gow after discovering he & his wife made & distributed porn videos on adult websites. However, he retains his title as Professor Emeritus of Enterpreneurship & Poundin’ It.

A woman sued her dentist, after alleging he performed 4 root canals, 8 crowns and 20 fillings in a single visit. On the bright side, she met her deductible payment for 2023.

Author Emma Flint faces criticism for defining herself as “abrosexual” – someone whose sexual identity fluctuates and changes. Flint’s supporters include many convicted felons, who say their own sexual identity changed after they went to prison.

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Danielle Brigoli, now known as rapper Bhad Bhabie, bought a Boca Raton, Florida home in a gated community for $6.1 million. “Cash us putting our homes on the market” said her new Florida neighbors.

Travis Barker reportedly went to the grave of Kourtney Kardashian’s deceased father to ask his permission to marry her. He couldn’t hear the answer, so he rented a backhoe to move him closer.

NBC News is facing backlash after describing current Jeopardy! super-champion Mattea Roach as a ’23-year-old lesbian tutor’. She’s won over $300,000 and tutored multiple women on how to be better lesbians.

A judge in Brazil ruled Apple must pay a man $1,000 for failing to include a power adapter with his new iPhone. The man bought one online at the Apple website, paying $29 for the adapter, and $971 for shipping.

A Waffle House employee created a viral Tik Tok video saying she makes a surprisingly large amount of money working there – enough to pay cash to visit doctors after the free meals, with money left over for ju jitsu lessons so she can break up Waffle House brawls.

NASA’s Mars helicopter spotted what the agency called ‘otherworldly wreckage’ on the red planet. Which, on closer inspection, proved to be unreleased Nicolas Cage and Bruce Willis movies.

Twitter admitted overstating their audience figures for the past three years. Twitter users admit overstating their audience for as long as they’ve been using it.

McDonald’s is now stuck with millions of dollars worth of Russian food it can’t use, after a test showed U.S. customers aren’t crazy about Wolf Meat Quarter Pounders.

Apple opened its online Self Service Repair store, offering repair kits, individual parts, and – for a fee – an online chat with the Chinese junior high kid who originally put the device together.

Ozzy Osbourne has COVID – but denies catching it by eating the head of an infected bat.

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Vice President Kamala Harris will be the first woman with Presidential power when President Joe Biden is under anesthesia during a colonoscopy. Harris issued an Executive Order raising the White House thermostat to 72 degrees.

Singers Camila Cabello and Shawn Mendes announced they’ve broken up, largely because they didn’t like the sound of ‘Shawmila’.

The FDA authorized Pfizer and Moderna COVID vaccine boosters for all adults, creating thousands of jobs to add a third line of fraudulent shots to counterfeit vaccine cards.

A gang of six people were captured in Brazil, accused of stealing horses for slaughter and selling tons of horse meat as beef. The meat has been seized, delaying the grand opening of a dozen Fogo de Chao Brazilian Steakhouses.

Pete Davidson is reportedly ‘officially dating’ Kim Kardashian – or, as he likes to call her, ‘Triple Grande’.

Macy’s stock rose 20% on better-than-expected earnings, and a positive Christmas outlook fueled by husbands & boyfriends purchasing gifts that their partners pretend to like and can’t bring themselves to return.

Spotify added lyrics to all the songs streaming on its service – leading to hundreds of white people getting pummeled for saying racial slurs aloud while listening to their favorite rappers on the subway.

Julia Stiles is pregnant with her second child, and will attempt to break her own record for saying the phrase “get me the epidural” in the most masculine-sounding voice ever.

Kourtney Kardashian clapped back at a social media critic who criticized her for supposedly not spending enough time with her kids. She captioned a photo of her horseback riding in Mexico with Mason, 11; Penelope, 9; and Whatshisface, 6.

Travis Scott is facing $2 billion in lawsuits related to fatalities and injures suffered at his Astroworld festival. The U.S. Mint has ordered maximum production of $100 bills that Scott intends to make rain via settlements.

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Victoria’s Secret announced the hiring of Valentina Sampaio, their first openly transgender model. Sampaio is expected to help launch a new line of roomier women’s briefs.

Brazil’s President Jair Bolsonaro said he will accept $20 million in international aid to fight Amazon rainforest fires, but only if France’s President Emmanuel Macron apologizes for barbs traded about each other’s wives. Aides are busy translating “beggars can’t be choosers” from French to Portugese.

Viral video shows Senator Elizabeth Warren giving personal financial advice to people appearing on “Dr. Phil”, including “don’t ask Dr Phil for financial advice.”

MTV gave out its 2019 Video Music Awards; or, as they’re now known, the Music Awards.

New artist Lizzo performed in front of a giant inflatable butt at the MTV Awards, in case you ever need a practical definition of “putting a hat on a hat.”

A new invasive species of tumbleweed that can grow up to six feet in height is taking over parts of California. It’s been spotted in several California locations, including Nicolas Cage’s acting career.

Retired New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski is pitching CBD oil use to treat pain. He even came up with his own slogan “It’s as simple as CBD, the first three letters of the alphabet!”

Oklahoma tv host Alex Housden apologized to her black co-host Jason Hackett after telling him he “kind of looks like” a gorilla.  Housden is expected to remain a host of ‘Good Morning Racists’.

Seattle Mariners outfielder Keon Broxton was ejected from Monday night’s game against the Yankees after hitting plate umpire Manny Gonzalez in the face with a batting glove. Gonzalez chose to eject Broxton rather than have a pistol duel at 20 paces.

Johnson & Johnson was ordered to pay $572 million for worsening the opioid epidemic in Oklahoma. So Johnson & Johnson are looking for 5.72 million Benjamins.