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Switzerland – which had previously issued only men’s underwear to all recruits – will now issue women’s underwear to female recruits. Thus ending the only long-term military conflict in Swiss history, The Battle of the Bunch.

CDC data cite COVID-19 as the 3rd-leading cause of death in 2020, right after heart disease and fights over the remote during quarantine.

Chinese police arrested a seller of video game cheat codes, who then escaped after unlocking the keypad on his jail cell with Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A.

Google Maps is being updated to include realtime weather information, for drivers who can’t see out the windows.

After spending a year in space, testing revealed that astronaut Scott Kelly’s heart shrank over 25%, due to zero gravity and his girlfriend dumping him.

Scientists discovered X-rays being emitted by Uranus – an even greater risk to melting your friend’s faces off.

A Pennsylvania pharmacist who wears a Superman suit to his vaccination clinics has given COVID-19 shots to over 15,000 people. However, a different pharmacist dressed as Lex Luthor has vaccinated over 15,000 with a mind control chip.

Ikea introduced a low-cost $55 air purifier, the Ffarrteerasr.

A plane being used for a gender reveal crashed into the ocean in Mexico, killing the pilot and a passenger. The reveal was confusing becuase of the pink dust floating in the blue sea.

Boxer Manny Pacquiao called people attacking Asian-Americans “cowards” and told them to “fight me instead”. A man who assaulted an elderly Chinese woman agreed to fight Pacquiao, and will make $750,000.

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Updated CDC guidance permits a reduction in separation from 6 feet to 3 feet between students in classrooms – welcome news for bullies with a 36-inch reach.

A 108-year-old Philadelphia woman received the COVID-19 vaccine. Her only complaint was her weight went up 50%.

In a new book, Sharon Stone claims a film producer asked her to sleep with a costar to improve their onscreen chemistry. It was right before Stone left the cast of a Muppet movie.

A new study claims people who walk slowly are more likely to get sick later in life, provided impatient drivers don’t kill them first.

Overseas spectators will be banned from the Tokyo Summer Olympics due to COVID-19 risk, but athletes from around the globe are welcome to be sickened.

40 teachers in a suburban Philadelphia school district called out of work on Friday, citing bad reactions to COVID-19 vaccines, and totally not a day-drinking party to watch the NCAA Men’s Basketball tournament.

Miami Beach Police used SWAT teams to disperse spring breakers violating the city’s new 8pm curfew. SWAT officers reportedly had trouble figuring out whose partier’s hands were in the air to surrender, and which were there to wave like they don’t care.

Scientists studying women and newborns claim they’ve identified 50 new chemicals lurking in human bodies – several of them are plastics, the rest are tied to flavor variants of Mountain Dew.

A 27-year-old named Meghann quit tv survival challenge ‘Naked & Afraid’ after four days in a Mexican desert, saying she couldn’t sleep because of biting insects in her genitals. The insects weren’t thrilled with their sleeping arrangements, either.

A Chicago Cubs minor leaguer was arrested for transporting 20 pounds of meth and over a pound of oxycodone pills. He claimed the drugs were necessary to help coaches and teammates overcome the boredom of watching spring training baseball.

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With CDC guidance allowing vaccinated grandparents to visit in-person with their asymptomatic grandchildren, there’s now a nationwide shortage of Werther’s Originals and other terrible candy.

Pepsi introduced Driftwell, a new carbonated seltzer to drink at bedtime so you can belch yourself to sleep.

A surge in coronavirus cases has shut down Italy once again. Health officials blame another new variant of COVID-19, the Sunday Gravy Variant.

Despite reports saying they’d broken up, Jennifer Lopez and Alex Rodriguez say they’re still a couple, but are ‘working through some things’ – specifically, coming to terms with who’s the bigger ass in the relationship.

Indiana University suspended Kappa Kappa Gamma sorority for making pledges play “Blow or Blow” – forcing a choice between giving a blow job or snorting cocaine. After the choice, the woman was told they didn’t have to do either. Complaints were filed by pledges excited about free cocaine.

A judge ruled Google must face a lawsuit that it tracks Chrome browser users even in ‘Incognito Mode’. If the tracking data is released, Pornhub is confident their unique views will increase by roughly one zillion percent.

The Vatican said it will not bless same-sex unions, calling homosexuality a ‘sin’ and a ‘choice’. “Well, I guess it’s off to Protestantism” said engaged priest/altar boy couples.

A large wildfire ripped through southern New Jersey and even jumped the New Jersey Turnpike as it spread. Firefighters sought to contain the blaze so it could be ticketed for failure to pay tolls and not using the fire lane.

Toys R Us has been sold to a new owner, who’s planning to open stores as soon as possible. Parents will be required to wear masks and small children will be required to wear muzzles.

A Chalfont, PA woman was arrested for altering images of girls on her daughter’s cheerleading squad to make them appear naked, smoking & drinking – in an effort to get them kicked off. It backfired and the cheer coach made them all captains at a party at his house.

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The CDC said it’s safe for vaccinated grandparents to visit in-person with low-risk family members. So grandchildren, consider yourself warned.

Five jurors have been selected in the trial of Derek Chauvin, Minneapolis police officer accused of killing George Floyd. Defense attorneys are looking to avoid juror bias, prosecutors are looking for people who can slam-dunk a murder conviction.

For the fourth time on Thursday, freshman Congressman Marjorie Taylor-Greene motioned to adjourn Congressional business for that day. Because apparently 10 weeks off isn’t enough.

A Kroger supermarket pharmacy in Virginia gave 10 people empty shots at a COVID-19 vaccine clinic. In a month, they’ll have to return for a second empty shot.

Lou Ottens, inventor of the cassette tape, passed away at age 94. Doctors were unable to save him by twirling a ball point pen in his hole. [story h/t to N.Y. ! ]

Apple announced new features coming to Apple Watch, including the ability to let the watch bore your friends by telling them about the features so you don’t have to.

Jennifer Garner said one of her daughters with Ben Affleck was kicked off a kindergarten soccer team because of paparazzi – that, and multiple red cards for kicks to the groin of opponents.

The Masked Singer unmasked its first non-winner of the new season: Kermit the Frog. So now you know that Kermit the Frog is officially a has-been.

Hillary Clinton tweeted about the 526,000 lives lost to COVID-19, and her disbelief that only a couple of them were on her enemies list.

The National Hockey League’s worst team, the Buffalo Sabres, will have fans in their home building for the first time since the pandemic started. City officials thanked the team for doing their part to give the city’s homeless someplace to go for a few hours.

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Dr. Seuss books are topping Amazon bestseller lists – now that the Proud Boys, Oath Keepers & QAnon have all decided to start bedtime story hours.

The WNBA will introduce new ‘City Edition’ jerseys this season, to go along with the primary home & away jerseys that no one sees.

A man was arrested for defacing “America’s Stonehenge” with QAnon grafitti. “Not the Rocky statue!?” said Philadelphians hearing the news.

The U.S. Food & Drug Administration warned baby food manufacturers to thoroughly test their products for the presence of toxic chemicals. This follows the proposed recall of Gerber Baby Strained Carrots with RoundUp.

Kim Kardashian said that she can relate to Britney Spears being bashed in the media, because Kim claims she was body-shamed while pregnant. However, journalists said when Kim was pregnant they honestly couldn’t tell between her front & back sides.

The CDC is completing its guidance of “safe” activities for those who have received the COVID-19 vaccine – with vaccinated seniors hoping the CDC’s list includes make-out parties with their nurses.

Scientists observed the first-ever Space Hurricane swirling above the North Pole. “No way I’m flying near that s**t” said Santa Claus.

Body cam footage from an Arizona incident shows a cop releasing a police dog on a man who was not resisting arrest. The cop was suspended without pay, and the dog was suspended without Pupperoni.

Billionaire Mackenzie Scott – former wife of Amazon founder Jeff Bezos – married Dan Jewett, a private school science teacher. Jewett’s female students agree that Mr. Jewett is now “like, a lot cuter”.

Bryson Dechambeau, winner of this week’s Arnold Palmer Invitational golf tournament, said he received encouraging text messages from Tiger Woods, including “don’t black out behind the wheel” and “who is this?”.

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Merry Christmas, Everyone!!

Britney Spears’ boyfriend, fitness trainer Sam Asghari, said he contracted COVID-19 but recovered thanks to a healthy lifestyle. Britney said while Sam was toxic, she had not slipped under.

Volunteers calling themselves “grandchildren of Santa Claus” placed video calls to isolated elderly patients at a nursing home in Italy. The Italian seniors refused to speak with them because they’d never showed up to Sunday dinner.

A USA Today poll found 50% of registered voters call Donald Trump a “failed President”. Another 30% wanted to know if “failed” was the worst choice they had.

The CDC reported another coronavirus strain discovered in Nigeria, then said “nevermind, it’s just regular ol’ ebola”.

Oregon officials say one person’s “superspreader action” resulted in several deaths and over 300 people sick. The person in question defended himself, saying it was just a really busy shift at the Arby’s drive-thru.

Visa continued its ban for use on payments to Pornhub – a judge then ruled Visa can no longer say “it’s everywhere you want to be”.

Billionaire Ron Burkle – a former financial advisor to Michael Jackson – purchased Neverland Ranch for $20 million. Burkle hasn’t yet disclosed his future plans for the property, other than evicting Bubbles the Chimp.

The Houston Rockets postponed their season-opening game because too many players were in COVID protocol. James Harden plans to get both the Pfizer and Moderna vaccines, since he usually takes twice as many shots as he should.

The CDC still hasn’t notified passengers on a United Airlines flight where a man died of COVID-19 that they’ve been exposed. However, United asked them to designate a beneficiary for their frequent flyer miles.

Washington Football Team owner Daniel Snyder claims co-owner Dwight Schar is leaking information on Snyder’s alleged sexual misconduct in a effort to force Snyder out. Snyder has no plans to sell, but he is embarrassed, as evidenced by his red skin.

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The CDC is meeting to determine the first recipients of COVID-19 vaccines – not counting the ones who keep it after the White Elephant gift exchange at the CDC office Christmas party.

After a large metal monolith was placed in a remote Utah desert and then removed, another has been found in Romania. Many believe the tall steel monuments are the work of aliens who don’t know how to find someplace cool to leave their mark.

‘Not Wanted’ posters of Ivanka Trump are appearing in New York City. Trump is reportedly planning to move her family to New Jersey or Florida – places that aren’t as prone to negative publicity.

On Monday morning, outgoing First Lady Melania Trump unveiled the f**king White House Christmas decorations.

Sean Hannity admitted to his Fox News show’s audience that he doesn’t ‘vet’ the content that airs on it, right before Betsy Devos made her cable television stand-up comedy debut.

Barack Obama admitted that he received national security briefings regarding UFOs, but wouldn’t say if he believed them. Meanwhile, Donald Trump is seeking additional funding for the Space Force.

North Korea’s Kim Jong Un reportedly received an experimental COVID-19 vaccine. News agencies claim it was delivered from China, but Kim said he developed it himself at his remote Fortress Of Solitude.

South Korea modified its military service requirement so a member of boy-band BTS won’t have to join the Army on his 28th birthday. South Korean soldiers are bummed they won’t get to learn any new choreography for parades.

McRib returns to all McDonald’s locations on Wednesday, according to a McDonald’s spokesperson, and to the senior agent leading a Secret Service motorcade departing the White House at 11:50p.m. tonight.

A possible tornado damaged a Costco in suburban Philadelphia on Monday. A real tornado, not shoppers trying to score a $300 70-inch tv.

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Donald Trump invited two Michigan Republican state legislators to the White House, presumably to try and overturn the state’s election results. They’ll dine on Big Macs while Trump serves them that Whopper.

Joe Biden was once again declared the winner of Georgia after the state hand-counted all of its ballots, and even some extra ones they were sent from New York.

A Long Island couple was identified after their 300-person October wedding turned into a COVID-19 superspreader event. 34 people were infected, and the rest were still pissed off about the cash bar.

The Centers for Disease Control recommended Americans not travel at all for Thanksgiving to limit exposure to COVID-19, and to their in-law’s disgusting side dishes.

Kyle Rittenhouse – the teenager accused of killing two people during demonstrations in Wisconsin – allegedly bought the AR-15 murder weapon with his $1,200 government stimulus check. He asked for more ammo in his letter to Santa.

Walmart released its Black Friday deals online – resulting in trampling injuries to multiple toothless hicks trying to be first to use the computer.

Priti Patel, an adviser to British Prime Minister Boris Johnson, has been accused of bullying her staff following a government inquiry. It’s so bad, they call her Ugli Patel.

Mossimo Giannulli reported for his five-month sentence in the college admissions scandal. He shaved his head before entering, presumably to get the first-ever Aunt Becky prison scalp tattoo.

Geraldo Rivera told Fox News he thinks the COVID-19 vaccine should be named after Trump. Asked which one, he said whichever one is injected against a person’s will.

BuzzFeed acquired HuffPost – leaving experts worried about more consolidation of sources of serious journalism.

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Comcast announced a record 633,00 new high-speed internet customers in the 3rd quarter of 2020, leading to their hiring a record 4 new customer service representatives to assist them.

The first U.S. nest of 98 ‘murder hornets’ was found in Washington state. 85 were killed and 13 were captured alive, following a tense standoff where beekeepers fired over 200 cans of Raid.

‘The Bachelorette‘ Clare Crawley was criticized for a group date segment where men competing for her affection played ‘strip dodgeball’. Crawley did not participate, but did admit to getting hit by multiple participants’ balls.

Fox is launching ‘The Masked Singer‘ spinoff series ‘The Masked Dancer’. Then they’ll launch another spinoff, ‘The Masked Murderer’, where panelists try to guess which costumed celebrity is O.J. Simpson.

Scientists discovered a new ‘proto planet’ made entirely of iron & nickel worth ten thousand quadrillion dollars. Now they just need several thousand years to get the strip mining equipment to it and cash in.

Astronomers from multiple countries compiled their most detailed “family portrait” of black holes to date. The astronomers are struggling to communicate how many black holes are in it without making porn puns.

White House insiders claim Donald Trump is abandoning CDC COVID-19 guidelines to focus on so-called ‘herd immunity’ – starting by ‘immunizing’ young female interns who brought him Big Macs after he got out of the hospital.

Khloe Kardashian revealed she contracted COVID-19, although some are saying she did it on purpose to promote the new season of ‘Revenge Body with Khloe Kardashian: Pandemic Edition’.

A new study finds that immunity to COVID-19 lasts for months – mostly because nobody wants to get anywhere near you.

Jack Nicklaus endorsed Donald Trump because he’s used to letting Trump think he can win.

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Dr. Dre’s estranged wife, Nicole, is charged with embezzling over $400,000 from him. Dre’s lawyers said the cash losses would only allow their client to make it drizzle.

Mayor of Anchorage, Alaska Ethan Berkowitz resigned after admitting to an inappropriate relationship with local news anchor Maria Athens. Athens would be on Berkowitz at 6pm, then look forward to seeing him again at 11.

A World War II-era bomb exploded underwater in Poland during an attempt to defuse it. A Polish bomb-squad frogman died trying to access the wires he needed to cut by repeatedly striking the bomb with a hammer.

Walmart is dividing its traditional Black Friday sales into three different online events: Trample Days; Fistfight Days; and Cyber Smash-n-Grab.

Nintendo introduced Mario Kart Live for Nintendo Switch — where Mario and friends race around the inside of your home until the cat or dog rips their heads off.

The U.S. and seven other countries agreed to NASA’s proposed rules for exploring the moon. They include not going in the lunar lander if there’s a necktie on the door handle.

Mars will be extra-bright in the Eastern sky tonight, meaning Martians will be extra-cranky tomorrow morning after trying to sleep with the lights on.

The CDC says ‘small family gatherings’ are helping fuel a surge in COVID-19 cases. They advise watching the 4 o’clock football games at home, and blowing off Sunday dinner at grandma’s.

Joe Biden and Donald Trump will each have televised town hall meetings on Thursday, Biden in Philadelphia and Trump in Miami. Biden’s will be called “Joe Biden Town Hall”, Trump’s will be called “Wasting Away Again in Coronaville”.

The New York Jets waived troubled running back Le’Veon Bell, but are still on the hook to pay him $27.5 million in Bell tolls.