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The NFL released its 2024-25 regular season schedule, and announced that Netflix will have exclusive rights to air two Christmas Day games. Thanksgiving games will be split between AppleTV+, Hulu, and Disney+ just to see how pissed off football fans can get.

McDonald’s will reintroduce a $5 Value Meal, but will only make it available for a month, and will require a 7-day advance reservation in the dining room.

Uber announced they’ll offer group shuttle rides to shared destinations like airports, concerts & sporting events. Uber Shuttle drivers are looking forward to the opportunity to sexually harass dozens of passengers at once.

Due to shrinking space from beach erosion, North Wildwood, New Jersey has banned the use of beach tents. If couples want to make out without being seen, they’ll be directed by lifeguards to join the junkies and gays under the boardwalk.

Comcast is offering subscibers a Peacock/Netflix/AppleTV+ bundle called StreamSaver – it’s available to all customers who currently pay $150/month for cable tv.

Rumors are swirling that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez are headed for divorce, as they’ve not been seen together in public for seven weeks, and Lopez has reportedly banned all Dunkin products from the backstage area of her upcoming tour.

The Mirage hotel in Las Vegas is closing. Families of Sigfried & Roy are being asked for the last time to come and get any tigers still hanging around.

Warren Buffett revealed the ‘mystery company’ that his Berkshire Hathaway corporation has invested over $6 billion dollars in – it’s insurance company Chubb. The announcement gave other investors in the stock a pretty big Chubb.

A Major League Soccer between New York City & the Philadelphia Union was delayed for over two minutes when raccoon ran on to the field. The raccoon was chased away, but asked by team officials to return any time it wants to help liven up soccer games.

Under Armour announced a wave of layoffs, saying they’re Over Staffed.

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A new study concludes men are generally better than women at navigating & directions. Men would like to know why but refuse to ask.

A traveler at JFK Airport was arrested for smuggling cocaine in bags of jumbo shrimp. He chose the shrimp because it was easier than trying to hide the cocaine in cocktail sauce.

A man was arrested for attempting to break in to Taylor Swift’s New York City townhouse. He was carrying burglar tools and a Kansas City Chiefs schedule.

A Florida grandmother was arrested in mid-December for her role in a murder-for-hire of her ex son-in-law. She’s charged with murder, and her grandkids assume at this point they aren’t getting those Christmas checks.

Ron DeSantis withdrew from seeking the GOP Presidential nomination. He said he was unsure of his future plans, before being reminded that he’s still Governor of Florida.

A top dentist revealed the real problems with Kanye West’s new titanium teeth – a high risk of gum infections, and setting off the alarm at airport security.

Plastic surgeon Dr. Terry Dubrow of E! Network’s ‘Botched‘ said he quit using Ozempic because it took away the “joy of eating” – leaving him with nothing but the joy of fixing several women’s boobs every day.

A large sinkhole opened up in Delran, New Jersey, measuring 25 x 25 feet wide and 15 feet deep. Roads will be closed until local crime bosses fill it with snitches.

Former Vice President Al Gore turned 75, and will leave Apple’s Board of Directors because of the company’s age-based restrictions. At 75, he’s now too old to be on the Board, and 60-65 years too old to build iPhones.

A United Airlines flight from Edinburgh, Scotland to Newark, New Jersey was cancelled because the pilot was arrested for having a taser in his carry-on bag. The pilot said he only planned to use the taser if someone tried to steal his vodka.

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Spirit Airlines put an unaccompanied 6-year-old on the wrong flight out of Philadelphia. Spirit announced they’re discontinuing their ‘Home Alone: Lost In Orlando’ fare sale.

For his part, the 6-year-old told Florida State Police he was just happy to be out of Philadelphia.

General Motors announced the Cadillac Celestiq – a hand-built fully-electric vehicle costing $300,000, made to appeal to environmentally-conscious pimps.

Russian opposition leader Aleksei Navalny wrote a letter saying he’d been moved to a penal colony in Siberia. He said he’s given one daily hour of outdoor recreation, followed by four hours of treatment for frostbite.

Beyonce’s former childhood home in Houston suffered minor fire damage on Christmas morning. The fire was quickly extinguished by members of Color Me Badd working their new jobs.

Microsoft launched its Copilot AI app for Android phones, just in time for Arizona State students to ask it to write their spring semester term papers.

Donald Trump posted Christmas messages to social media, telling his opponents to “ROT IN HELL”. Coincidentally, ROTINHELL is also the discount code for tickets to the Mar-a-Lago New Year’s Eve party.

A same-sex nativity scene in Italy, depicting the baby Jesus with two mothers, was slammed as ‘blasphemous’ by the same people who would have you believe one of the women got knocked up without having sex at all.

A new study evalutes the viability of launching a nuclear explosive “millions of miles” into space to prevent an asteroid from striking Earth. People living near the SpaceX launch site just want time to get the hell out of town in case things go sideways.

Sonja Semyonova, a Canadian woman, calls herself an ‘ecosexual’ and claims to be in love with an oak tree. “Me too” said a Canadian guy standing next to a knothole on the other side of the tree.

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The New York Times asked classical music critics to evaluate Bradley Cooper’s orchestra conducting as Leonard Bernstein in ‘Maestro‘. They agreed to do it on one condition – that they not have to watch the whole movie.

A judge ordered Rudy Giuliani to “immediately” pay the $148 million defamation settlement he owes to two Georgia election workers. Execs at GoFundMe reminded Giuliani he can’t run 148 million fundraisers at a time.

Apple plans to launch a “mixed reality” headset next year – with technology combining virtual & augmented reality. They’re inviting customers to Apple Stores to try it out and envision a reality where they have thousands of dollars to buy it.

For nearly 40 years, a set of human remains believed to be a victim of Seattle’s Green River Killer was known only as ‘Bones 17’. Advances in DNA technology finally provided investigators with a name: ‘Female Bones 17’.

TSA officers at New York’s LaGuardia Airport found 17 bullets in a clean disposable diaper in the carry-on bag of a male passenger bound for Chicago. He’s being investigated along with a 14-month old accomplice arrested with a concealed handgun.

Today marks the Winter Solstice – the longest night of the year. Or, second-longest next to the night of your kid’s school Christmas Pageant.

Starbucks CEO wants people to stop protesting the Israel/Hamas war at their stores – and get back to being dicks about how their half-caf, triple-vanilla-shot, soy milk, whipped cream, caramel drizzle frappucino order is wrong.

Jennifer Lopez says she still struggles with PTSD from the media attention over her first romance with Ben Affleck over 20 years ago, and embarrassment over being kicked out of a support group for veterans who served in Iraq.

An artificial intelligence death calculator developed at Technical University of Denmark reportedly predicts a person’s death date with uncanny accuracy. Although it keeps crashing from millions of people typing their spouse’s name into it.

A Michigan couple is suing their school district, saying their daughter was allowed to use male pronouns and take a new name without their permission. The district said the girl had merely gotten the lead as Kris Kringle in a school play.

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The NBA indefinitely suspended Golden State Warriors forward Draymond Green for hitting an opponent in the face. During his free time, the NHL is teaching Green how to skate.

Amazon ended a ‘thank you’ program – where drivers received a $5 tip if customers told Alexa to ‘thank their driver’ – after two days. They ended the program to thank the warehouse worker who packed the order with a $5 tip after two seconds.

Burger chain In N Out opened their first location in Idaho and the wait at the drive-thru was 8 hours long. Gruhhub customers were told if they ordered now, they could still get their food in time for Christmas.

The Las Vegas Raiders routed the Los Angeles Chargers 63-21 on Thursday night. But the big winner is the realtor that gets to sell Chargers head coach Brandon Staley’s house.

Shohei Ohtani made his first appearance in a Los Angeles Dodgers uniform after signing a record $700 million contract. He plans to live modestly, and send money home so his family in Japan can finally have a shelter to protect them from attacks by Godzilla.

Sharon Osbourne said getting plastic surgery on her face was “the worst thing she ever did” – apparently forgetting about The Osbourne Family Christmas Special.

Pennsylvania joined several other states in making ‘porch pirating’ a felony. Several convicted thieves now face multi-year sentences for unknowingly stealing discreet shipments of adult diapers.

Barbara Furlow-Smiles, a former Facebook diversity & inclusion executive, pled guilty to stealing $4 million from the company. She’s free on bond, and may be a flight risk because she responded ‘Interested’ instead of ‘Going’ to her March sentencing.

Posh Spice Victoria Beckham told Allure magazine that she was bullied and told she can’t sing. “Kids can be horrible” she said, adding “they can also be right”.

Oprah Winfrey said that people making jokes about her weight was a ‘public sport’. In other news, the guy who authored the joke about her being detained at the airport for smuggling 50 pounds of crack was inducted to the Public Sport Hall Of Fame.

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Restaurant chain Founding Farmers is being dragged for adding a 5% “wellness charge” to customer bills to subsidize employees paid vacation & health care. Meanwhile Waffle House quietly added a 5% “illness charge” to pay for customer trips to the emergency room.

A rabid raccoon attacked a student on the Princeton University campus. The raccoon remains at large, but is expected to show up for finals if it wants to keep its scholarship.

A woman who appears to be pregnant has been spotted on several doorbell cameras stealing packages in the Philadelphia suburbs. That, or she stole a basketball and forgot to put it in her trunk.

McDonald’s announced plans to open 10,000 new restaurants. Although bulls say they’re going to have a hard time making enough new cows.

Diabetes & weight-loss drunk Ozempic could be used to treat alcohol abuse. Doctors are hoping they have a new weapon to treat two-thirds of fat, drunk & stupid.

A new study links wasabi to ‘substantial’ boosts in memory – and to the introduction of new Flamin’ Hot Prevagen.

A woman who threw a hot burrito bowl in the face of a Chipotle worker was sentenced to 30 days in jail and 60 days working a fast food job. Ironically, her job in jail pays better.

The final Republican Presidential Debate was held last night, with most observers saying Nikki Haley finished first – and Chris Christie last – in the all-important Swimsuit Competition.

Ken Hudson Campbell – who portrayed a local Santa in the original ‘Home Alone‘ – is the beneficiary of a GoFundMe to pay for his cancer surgery. He’s also kind of pissed that the owner of Duncan’s Toy Chest only gives money to children’s charities.

Daddy Yankee, rapper and King Of Reggaeton, announced he’s retiring from music to devote his life to Christ, and attend churchaton.

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Burger King is selling Whoppers for 37 cents this weekend, but reminds cheapskates planning to load up that they make terrible, smelly stocking-stuffers.

Google Maps added the ability to place restaurant reservations. “For the thousandth time, we don’t take reservations” said annoyed workers at a New Jersey Turnpike rest area Roy Rogers.

The first U.S. case of the Omicron COVID-19 variant was identified in San Francisco. It’s expected to spread rapidly because it’s just too expensive to live there.

Alec Baldwin told ABC News George Stephanopolous he “didn’t pull the trigger” on the gun that fired a lethal shot on a movie set. The NRA then promptly added the Easy Shoot Cowboy Pistol to its 2021 Holiday Buyers Guide.

Christian televangelist and anti-vaxxer Christian Lamb died from COVID-19. His wife announced the news on their Daystar Television Network, saying COVID came in like a lion, and took out a Lamb.

After failing to reach a new labor agreement, Major League Baseball owners voted unanimously to lock out players. A reminder that this lockout is brought to you by Bud Light Seltzer, the official hard seltzer of Major League Baseball. For the loudest flavors ever, it’s Bud Light Seltzer.

Tesla unveiled the $1,900 ‘Cyberquad’, a fully-electric children’s all-terrain vehicle. However, purchasers have to build it themselves with instructions from a 22-page manual, so kids should be driving it around Christmas 2025.

A new dinosaur species found in Chile had a unique bladed tail it would slash as a weapon, proving that even male dinosaurs would risk it all trying to chase some tail.

Pope Francis accepted the resignation of Paris Archbishop Michel Aupetit over his “intimate relationship” with a woman, with “intimate” defined by the Vatican handbook as “over the sweater second base”.

A study of National Basketball Association players & staff found vaccinated people with breakthrough COVID infections may be less likely to spread the virus. They tested a sample of NBA players, and an even bigger sample of their away-game side pieces.

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A Seventh Day Adventist Pastor in The Bronx told parishioners women must submit to their husbands, and told husbands “the best person to rape is your wife”. Those in attendance questioned the need for a sermon at the kickoff for the church’s Holiday Bake Sale.

Philadelphia, which is approaching 500 homicide deaths in 2021, is calling for a Homicide Free Thanksgiving. But they promise to make it up to residents with an upcoming ’12 Days Of Homicide’ Christmas promotion.

Kyle Rittenhouse visited Donald Trump at Mar-A-Lago, but said if he wanted to eat Big Macs and watch Fox News, he could have just stayed home.

A 45-year-old man in Moradabad, India – declared dead after being hit by a motorcycle – was found alive after 7 hours in a morgue freezer. He was listed in critical condition following treatment on ‘defrost’ in a morgue microwave.

Apple delayed the rollout of its ‘Digital Drivers License’ feature – where you can add your license to Apple Wallet – until “early 2022”. On the bright side, teenagers can use Apple’s new ‘Digital Fake ID’ feature immediately.

Rolls-Royce claims to have developed the world’s fastest all-electric aircraft, reaching over 387 mph before crashing into a Tesla recharging station at an A-Plus Mini-Mart.

Scientists were stunned to find a 10,000-year-old mammoth tusk at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean, adding that the tusk was incredibly well-preserved, as was the note telling the mammoth it failed its junior lifeguard exam.

A bizarre species of tropical bees, known as “vulture bees”, forego pollen and eat meat from dead animal carcasses instead. Vulture bees were discovered when South American beekeepers opened hives and found Slim Jims instead of honey.

Dick Vitale returned to courtside for ESPN, calling the NCAA basketball game between Gonzaga and UCLA while he continues treatment for lymphoma. Vitale cried when he was introduced, causing millions of viewers to temporarily unmute their TVs.

Steve Burton, 51, an actor on ‘General Hospital’ for the last 30 years, was fired for refusing to get COVID-19 vaccines, and that he’d take his chances at Actual Hospital.

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Vice President Kamala Harris will be the first woman with Presidential power when President Joe Biden is under anesthesia during a colonoscopy. Harris issued an Executive Order raising the White House thermostat to 72 degrees.

Singers Camila Cabello and Shawn Mendes announced they’ve broken up, largely because they didn’t like the sound of ‘Shawmila’.

The FDA authorized Pfizer and Moderna COVID vaccine boosters for all adults, creating thousands of jobs to add a third line of fraudulent shots to counterfeit vaccine cards.

A gang of six people were captured in Brazil, accused of stealing horses for slaughter and selling tons of horse meat as beef. The meat has been seized, delaying the grand opening of a dozen Fogo de Chao Brazilian Steakhouses.

Pete Davidson is reportedly ‘officially dating’ Kim Kardashian – or, as he likes to call her, ‘Triple Grande’.

Macy’s stock rose 20% on better-than-expected earnings, and a positive Christmas outlook fueled by husbands & boyfriends purchasing gifts that their partners pretend to like and can’t bring themselves to return.

Spotify added lyrics to all the songs streaming on its service – leading to hundreds of white people getting pummeled for saying racial slurs aloud while listening to their favorite rappers on the subway.

Julia Stiles is pregnant with her second child, and will attempt to break her own record for saying the phrase “get me the epidural” in the most masculine-sounding voice ever.

Kourtney Kardashian clapped back at a social media critic who criticized her for supposedly not spending enough time with her kids. She captioned a photo of her horseback riding in Mexico with Mason, 11; Penelope, 9; and Whatshisface, 6.

Travis Scott is facing $2 billion in lawsuits related to fatalities and injures suffered at his Astroworld festival. The U.S. Mint has ordered maximum production of $100 bills that Scott intends to make rain via settlements.

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NASA said a newly-discovered planet with ‘iron rainfall’ is even more extreme than they thought, based on the countless numbers of umbrellas it’s broken.

After adding the Impossible Whopper to its menu two years ago, Burger King is testing Impossible plant-based chicken nuggets. Burger King says this aligns with their strategy of making their whole menu Impossible to eat.

Congress agreed to a temporary lifting of the federal debt ceiling until December, saving Christmas.

A Federal judge temporarily blocked Texas’ controversial ban on abortions for fetuses older than six weeks. He issued his ruling from the waiting room at Planned Parenthood.

Florida cops searching for fugitive Brian Laundrie say they’ve found a “fresh camping site” in the Carlton Reserve swamps. They found tanning spray and bleached blond hair with split ends, and determined the campsite was Dog The Bounty Hunter’s.

KISS frontman Paul Stanley told website Ultimate Classic Rock the exact date when the band is over – January 1st, 1993.

Bank of America raised its minimum wage for workers to $21/hour – so, thanks to ‘bankers hours’, workers can rake in up to $42/day.

A corporate executive was the only person on a 386-seat widebody aircraft flight from Abu Dhabi to Singapore on Etihad Airways. Unfortunately, his carry-on was deemed too big for the overhead compartment and he was forced to gate-check it.

Old Country Buffet was acquired by a restaurant holding company, who said they have no plans to revive it. They did say they planned to remove people from closed locations who still refused to leave until they brought out more fried shrimp.

Wednesday, October 6th marked the first anniversary of Eddie van Halen’s death, and the end of terrible year-long tribute guitar solos from tone-deaf hacks.