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Google will soon make their proprietary AI photo-editing tools available to all iPhone & Android users, making it easier than ever to cut your exes and dead relatives out of group photos you look great in.

A possible meteor sighting was recorded over parts of Pennsylvania & New Jersey, but first astronomers want to check with the FAA to make sure it wasn’t part of a Boeing jet crashing to earth.

Jessica Sawicki, a 37-year-old English teacher in Hamilton, New Jersey, allegedly had sex multiple times with an underage student at Assunpink Wildlife Area – where her student saw a lot of both.

Beyonce became the first black artist to reach Number 1 on the Billboard Hot Country Album and Billboard 200 Album charts simultaneously. She plans to celebrate Morgan Wallen-style by tossing a chair off of a Nashville rooftop.

The U.S. Postal Service plans to increase the price of first class Forever stamps to 73 cents – forcing fixed-income grandparents to downgrade money in their grandkids birthday cards from five dollars to four.

Track & field athletes will get paid at the Paris Summer Olympics. Gold medal relay teams will split $50,000, and race-walkers will get a few bucks just because organizers feel bad about how ridiculous they look.

The owner of Sis Sweets Cookies & Cafe in Kansas believes she lost a $4,000 diamond in the dough of cookies she made. Regular customers are spending a lot more time in the Sis Sweets restrooms poking around.

The NFL is allowing teams to have a third helmet design. This is so teams can wear and merchandise more alternate & throwback designs, and so the question “what color helmet were you wearing?” can be added to the concussion protocol.

O.J. Simpson passed away at age 76 after a battle with cancer. The Buffalo Bills announced they’ll lower their championship flags to half mast if they ever get them.

The Coast Guard rescued three people from a remote Pacific Island after they spelled out ‘HELP’ with palm leaves. Then the Coast Guard left after being told the message was for the DoorDash boat.

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A family of wild bobcats is living on a woman’s front porch in the Arizona suburbs. Wildlife officials warned the woman not to feed them. She doesn’t, but is concerned that they’ve already been getting Amazon and Doordash deliveries.

Conservative Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas said federal laws against marijuana may no longer be necessary. In other news, fellow Justice Stephen Breyer just gave Clarence Thomas his first marijuana gummy bear.

Downtown Philadelphia now has multiple marijuana dispensaries and just one fast-food burger restaurant. Uber drivers are getting rich driving high customers from one to the other.

The New York Yankees made 70-year-old Gwen Goldman a batgirl for Monday’s game, 60 years after they turned her down because she was a girl, and because she refused to go drinking with Mickey Mantle.

Dion Cini, who unfurled ‘Trump Won’ banners at several Major League Baseball stadiums, has been banned from all MLB games & facilities. He’ll now unfurl the banners in the minors in hope of working his way back up to the big leagues.

Ireland is limiting ‘indoor hospitality’ to vaccinated citizens only, due to fear that the Delta variant of COVID-19 could be spread during drunken bar brawls.

Philadelphia 76ers play-by-play announcer Marc Zumoff announced his retirement. Zumoff was lauded by the team for his consummate professionalism during his 27-year run, capped off by his ability to not curse at Ben Simmons in the 2021 Playoffs.

The man who jumped out of a taxiing American Airlines jet at LAX said he “smoked a lot of meth” before boarding. He did so after realizing he wasn’t flying Spirit Airlines so he couldn’t buy and smoke it in-flight.

Citizens are concerned that President Kim Jong Un has lost as much as 50 pounds. They’re not sure if it’s caused by illness, or the all-new North Korean Noom.

The Algerian Coast Guard found 1,000 pounds of cocaine floating in the ocean, then celebrated the retirement of everyone in the Algerian Coast Guard.

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Fox News’ Sean Hannity is divorcing his wife of 20 years. She’ll join the cast of new morning show Fox and No Longer Friends.

Mötley Crüe postponed their headlining stadium tour until 2021. That announcement was followed by news that someone ordered 100 pizzas delivered to Vince Neil’s basement gym.

A mom’s viral video shows her three children interrupting her work-from-home conference call a total of 27 times. She was able to get the kids to nap for the call where she got fired.

A prep school in Florida awarded diplomas to graduates as they rode on jet skis. It was the first-of-its-kind in that way, and also because it was the first graduation where the Coast Guard issued multiple personal watercraft DUIs.

After initially denying it, Donald Trump admitted going to a White House bunker during weekend protests. Trump said it was for a brief bunker inspection – an inspection of his pants that confirmed how scared he was.

Sports business writer Darren Rovell said the loss of a 2020 Major League Baseball season would be worse than 1994, when a strike set baseball back five years – the length of one baseball season.

The New York Mets opened their spring training facility for the first time in 2020, and somehow managed to lose.

A Reddit user posted that he mistakenly ate undercooked, ‘almost raw’ chicken in a sandwich purchased at a restaurant “that rhymes with shmarbys”. The restaurant denied that the undercooked food was actually chicken.

A fossilized dinosaur’s stomach revealed the 110-million-year-old creature’s last meal. Scientists now have a new mystery – discovering where the dinosaur got a cheeseburger and a chocolate shake.

New research suggests a coronavirus vaccine may require two shots – one in the arm, and one down the hatch for the courage to get it.

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Nepal banned double amputees and blind climbers from scaling Mount Everest as part of new safety regulations. Officials hope to curb a wave of accidents from blind climbers tripping over the frozen corpses of double amputees and falling to their deaths.

The sidewalk outside of Apple’s new retail location in Chicago is roped off because dangerous icicles are dropping from the roof. Apple apologized for the hazard and for slowing down attempts to get its new lower-priced replacement batteries for iPhones.

President Trump invited members of the Coast Guard to golf with him during his Christmas break at Mar-A-Lago. The President thanked them for their service retrieving two dozen balls from the water hazard on a par-3.

Serena Williams returned to tennis for the first time since giving birth to her daughter Alexis, losing in an exhibition to Jelena Ostapenko in Abu Dhabi. Williams won a set, but struggled with her serve, which she attributed to a hindered motion caused by her breast pump.

Michael Neu, a 67-year-old man in Slidell, Louisiana, was arrested and charged with 269 counts of fraud for running a ‘Nigerian Prince’ email scam. Neu also cancelled his visit to  an upcoming Nigerian State Dinner at the White House to deliver Mr. Trump’s inheritance.

Iran blocked Instagram, angering Iranian housewives eager to share their pictures and recipes for fesenjan and explosives.

A Delta Airlines flight from Detroit to Atlanta returned to Detroit after the captain discovered a small bird in the cockpit. The captain said he diverted the flight to avoid a distraction, and because the bird was holding more than 3 ounces of vodka in its flask.

NBC announced that Hoda Kotb is officially replacing Matt Lauer as co-host of the Today show. Lauer sent a message of support, along with the traditional congratulatory dildo.

The Miss America organization named past winner & former Fox News host Gretchen Carlson as its new Chairperson. Carlson reportedly wowed the Board of Directors with both her plans for the pageant and a killer baton-twirling exhibition.

The City of Chicago closed out 2017 with a total of 650 murders, a 15% decline from 2016. City officials cited improved policing, and city residents downloading the ‘My Murder Prevention Pal’ app.

 

 

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A new study from the University of Missouri finds that spanking children does not change their behavior. It does, however, change parent’s behavior — making them big fans of spanking.

A group of men having a bachelor party, stranded on a sandbar off the South Carolina coast, was rescued by the Coast Guard. However the Coast Guard has suspended the ocean search for a seriously sunburned stripper.

A Japanese bar is using macaque monkeys as waiters & waitresses to entertain tourists. The monkeys bring food and drinks to the table, then grossed-out patrons summon a human to take it all back.

The Secret Service states that they’ve depleted their budget due to the expense of protecting President Trump’s large family and accompanying him on golf trips. That, and Eric Trump is making them pay for their own greens fees, carts and meals.

Major League Baseball umpires are donning white wristbands to protest verbal abuse by players, and what they claim is the Commissioner’s weak discipline of offending players. The umps may have to change from white to a different color, since many of them are mistaking the wristbands for the ball and calling them strikes.

Elon Musk has called for a ban on autonomous killer robots – which he calls a bigger potential threat to humanity than nuclear weapons. He made the statement during a keynote address to an annual meeting of autonomous non-killer robots building Tesla cars and SpaceX rockets.

NASA released a photo of the International Space Station crossing the path of the solar eclipse. NASA thanked the ISS Crew, then rushed a launch sending a new crew, since all of the astronauts on the Station were blinded while taking pictures.

Google introduced its new Android operating system, Oreo. Google begs everyone to remember that this is just named after a cookie, not anything racist.

Maine’s Republican Governor Paul LePage said that removing Confederate statues is like taking down 9/11 memorials. Maine has neither, so the Governor commissioned a sculpture of Robert E Lee crashing a giant bird into George Washington’s boat as he crossed the Delaware.

In 2020, Volkswagen will introduce a fully-electric version of its iconic 1960s/70s Minibus, a favorite of road-tripping hippies during the era, who spawned the phrase “ass, gas or grass – nobody rides for free.” The new vehicle slogan is “hugs, drugs or electric plugs – nobody rides for free.”