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DCPA, a pesticide widely used by vegetable farmers, has been banned by the FDA because it poses serious damage to fetuses – especially Cabbage Patch Kids.

Boeing executives returned to Congress to answer questions about aircraft safety. Common answers to the safety questions included “no, they’re not”.

New Boeing CEO Kelly Ortberg spent his first day on the job walking the factory floor where the manufacturer’s controversial 737 Max jets are made. He spent extra time talking to workers who apply the staples and duct tape that hold aircraft doors in place.

Auntie Anne’s launched a new perfume, ‘knead’ that smells like pretzels. Women can wear it, but their boyfriends would still rather eat the pretzels.

Florida International University officially sold their stadium naming rights to Pitbull, and the facility will be known as Pitbull Stadium. It’s only the second known Pitbull Stadium for football players after Michael Vick’s was shut down.

Newly installed Hamas terror leader Yahya Sinwar is viewed as “less willing to compromise” than his predecessor. This leads to speculation that a cease fire with Israel may not happen, and that pizza won’t be allowed at Hamas lunch meetings.

‘Wardrobing’ retail fraud – wearing new clothing with tags on & hidden, then returning it – increases in the summer, and especially with beachwear. This, according to women wondering how their new bikini already has sand in the crotch.

Federal agents arrested leaders of a bicoastal U.S. drug ring, who smuggled cocaine and meth inside of large Bluetooth karaoke speakers. The drug ring’s official slogan was Don’t Stop Believin’.

The family of a crew member filed a wrongful death lawsuit against the owners of the doomed Titan ocean submersible craft that imploded last year, saying there were signs it was going to fail. Subpoenas were issued to sharks who attached bibs to their necks when they heard the fiberglass Titan craft begin to crack.

Taylor Swift cancelled shows in Vienna after reports of a planned terror attack. Al Qaeda claimed responsibility for the plot, according to leader Ayatollah Sheikh Atoff.

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French Olympic pole vaulter Anthony Ammirati became a viral sensation after it appeared the bulge of his penis dislodged the bar during an attempt. He’s now dealing with rumors that he’s gay after the world clearly saw that rod-on-rod action.

Joaquin Guzman Lopez, son of Sinaloa Cartel drug kingpin Juan ‘El Chapo’ Guzman, was arrested and charged with drug trafficking and money laundering. He pled not guilty in a Chicage court, where DEA agents called him a Chipo Off the El Chapo.

Los Angeles, California police are patrolling the Champs Elysees in Paris during the Summer Olympics. They say the scenery is marvelous, but they’re kind of bored without as many unarmed persons of color to shoot.

Aerosmith announced they will stop tourning because frontman Steven Tyler can no longer sing. However, Motley Crue announced they will continue touring despite frontman Vince Neil being unable to sing for the last twenty years.

An 82-year-old employee who’s worked at a Las Vegas McDonald’s for 15 years said he continues to work because he can’t afford to retire. He said he contributes to a 401k but was shocked to learn his contributions were matched with french fries.

Following the resignation of two different Miss USAs, Michigan’s Alma Cooper assumed the title. If she also chooses to resign, the crown will be given to the entrant with the next-largest breasts.

The first fatal crash of a Tesla Cybertruck was reported in Texas. The driver could have been saved, but most people driving by the wreck assumed a refrigerator had fallen off the delivery truck.

At Knowwhere Farm in Chesterfield, New Jersey, visitors can come hug a cow named Moo for free. Meanwhile at the Atlantic City Boardwalk, one named Dakota will hug you and do other stuff for around fifty dollars.

One million dollars worth of cocaine was reportedly blown on to a Florida Keys beach by Tropical Storm Debby. The storm was so powerful it was able to dislodge the cocaine from the rectums of people smuggling it on their boat.

Google was found to have a search engine monopoly in an anti-trust suit lodged by the Justice Department, and by guys who turned off SafeSearch and still ended up getting the same porn over and over again.

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Burberry hired their fourth new CEO in 10 years to help turn around the struggling apparel & accessories retailer. “Maybe we give paisley a try!” he said, and was fired.

Artificial intelligence ChatGPT was asked who would be the best replacement candidate for Joe Biden. No word yet on whether Taylor Swift would accept the nomination.

Trump-appointed federal judge Aileen Cannon threw out the classified documents felony case against him, saying it was unconsitutional. She then offered Trump use of her shredder.

A bandaged Donald Trump appeared at the Republican National Convention, as thousands of delegates and attendees cheered his name within earshot.

Lindsay Lohan & Jamie Lee Curtis are reprising their 2003 roles as filming commences on Freaky Friday 2. In it, the now-adult Lohan character switches bodies with her daughter, who spends the next 80 minutes looking for cocaine.

New Balance announced a partnership with the WNBA, in the hope of expanding the fan base among senior lesbians who lack anything in common with many players beyond that one thing.

Trader Joe’s ‘Everything But The Bagel’ seasoning is banned in South Korea because it contains poppy seeds. When mature, poppies are used to make opiates. It’s also banned in North Korea at Trader Un’s.

A food safety scandal is rocking China, as a major state-owned food company is accused of transporting cooking oil in the same tankers as fuel, without cleanings in-between. Consumers are worried about fuel contaminating their food, but drivers are kind of happy that their car smells like a wok.

Los Angeles Dodgers slugger Teoscar Hernandez won the 2024 MLB All-Star Home Run Derby. The contest was highlighted by the early elimination of well-known players, and the elimination of singer Ingrid Andress from consideration singing the national anthem ever again.

Princess Cruises broke a world record for the largest pizza party, serving 60,000 slices of pizza simultaneously across multiple ships. Then they set sail and subsequently broke the record for largest oceanic vomit patch.

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The famous floating door prop from James Cameron’s ‘Titanic‘ was purchased at auction for $718,000. (Kate Winslet sold separately.)

Donald Trump is selling bibles for $60. They’re better than old bibles because they contain multiple stories about the miracle that he’s not in jail.

Some couples are choosing in vitro fertilization, or IVF, as a first option to conceive a baby, since they say want a family, but it’s worth the $24,000 not to see their spouse naked.

A shipment of 3.7 tons of cocaine valued at $113 million was intercepted after a high-speed boat chase off the Colombian coast. It’s the largest volume of cocaine seized by law enforcement this year, beating the record set Monday when cops raided Diddy’s houses.

A former Syracuse University basketball player, Brendan Paul, was arrested and charged at a Florida airport with being a ‘drug mule’ for Diddy. Paul faces multiple traveling violations.

University of Colorado researchers say they’ve found a link between arthritis and tryptophan. The study followed older turkeys who walked with a cane.

Taylor Swift was photographed wearing a thong bikini on a romantic Bahamas getaway with Travis Kelce. Paparazzi didn’t want to say she has a flat butt, but also said it looked like someone tried patching a crack in a white wall with yellow spandex.

A British woman arrived at a vet’s office with what she claimed was a sick baby hedgehog, only to be informed it was the detached pom-pom from a fur hat. The vets were unable to save the baby hedgehog they found on top of the woman’s head.

Nicki Minaj experienced a wardrobe malfunction during her Orlando concert when her dress came undone and exposed her breasts — shocking bettors who’d wagered big money that the back of the dress would fail first.

An Atlanta resident called Magnet Man pulls a powerful magnet on his bicycle in order to pick up metal screws, nails & other pieces causing flat tires. He says he’s picked up 450 pounds of metal so far, and apologized to the people in wheelchairs he’s dragged for several blocks.

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A woman was arrested at an airport in Colombia for attempting to smuggle 130 poisonous dart frogs in her luggage. Worse, each of the frogs had swallowed several tiny balloons filled with cocaine.

Researchers believe they’ve found a link between ALS and smoking. They’re considering changing it from Lou Gehrig’s Disease to Joe Camel Disease.

Economists predict Valentine’s Day spending to top $14 billion – no thanks to your cheap boyfriend and his grocery store bouquet.

Two men drifting in the ocean after their boat sank were rescued by a passing Carnival Cruise ship – but only after the men asked if there was another, nicer, cruise ship coming along anytim soon.

Legendary singer/dancer/actress Chita Rivera died. She’s survived by her lesser-known sister, PlaysByTheRules Rivera.

National Geographic listed their 2024 Top Travel Destinations, including West Virginia. In other news, National Geographic’s Senior Travel Editor entered rehab for treatment of addiction to methamphetamine.

A 60-year-old woman was arrested after attacking a Frontier Airlines flight attendant who kept her from using the lavatory while the plane descended for landing in Philadelphia. Either way, sh*t was gonna go down.

UPS is cutting over 12,000 jobs, mostly middle management and contractors, but not whoever’s emailing to tell you your package shipped when they’ve only printed a label.

The maker of popular Stanley travel mugs say they contain lead, but are still safe, and that drinking from them will make you feel fuller, faster.

Elmo the Muppet posted on X to ask how everyone’s feeling, and many responded that they’re not doing great and may need help. Elmo sympathized, saying it hasn’t been easy living with a guy’s hand up his ass for over forty years.

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A new study concludes men are generally better than women at navigating & directions. Men would like to know why but refuse to ask.

A traveler at JFK Airport was arrested for smuggling cocaine in bags of jumbo shrimp. He chose the shrimp because it was easier than trying to hide the cocaine in cocktail sauce.

A man was arrested for attempting to break in to Taylor Swift’s New York City townhouse. He was carrying burglar tools and a Kansas City Chiefs schedule.

A Florida grandmother was arrested in mid-December for her role in a murder-for-hire of her ex son-in-law. She’s charged with murder, and her grandkids assume at this point they aren’t getting those Christmas checks.

Ron DeSantis withdrew from seeking the GOP Presidential nomination. He said he was unsure of his future plans, before being reminded that he’s still Governor of Florida.

A top dentist revealed the real problems with Kanye West’s new titanium teeth – a high risk of gum infections, and setting off the alarm at airport security.

Plastic surgeon Dr. Terry Dubrow of E! Network’s ‘Botched‘ said he quit using Ozempic because it took away the “joy of eating” – leaving him with nothing but the joy of fixing several women’s boobs every day.

A large sinkhole opened up in Delran, New Jersey, measuring 25 x 25 feet wide and 15 feet deep. Roads will be closed until local crime bosses fill it with snitches.

Former Vice President Al Gore turned 75, and will leave Apple’s Board of Directors because of the company’s age-based restrictions. At 75, he’s now too old to be on the Board, and 60-65 years too old to build iPhones.

A United Airlines flight from Edinburgh, Scotland to Newark, New Jersey was cancelled because the pilot was arrested for having a taser in his carry-on bag. The pilot said he only planned to use the taser if someone tried to steal his vodka.

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Two workers were rescued after falling into a chocolate vat at a Mars Wrigley candy factory in Pennyslvania. They were treated at a local hospital, and other employees were treated to a song about what they did wrong by little people coworkers.

Co-writer of 90s hit Ice Ice Baby, Mario ‘Chocolate’ Johnson, alleges performer Vanilla Ice didn’t write a word of it. For his part, an angry Ice accused Mario of acting like a chocolate johnson.

GEICO was ordered to pay $5.2 million to a woman who contracted HPV while having sex with a man in his GEICO-insured car. High school girls planning to go all the way in their boyfriend’s cars are now asking them for insurance information.

Jay Z & Twitter founder Jack Dorsey started a ‘Bitcoin Academy’ in a Brooklyn housing project. This replaces the ‘Career Academy’ run by local pimps.

Fleetwood Mac’s Christine McVie said that champagne and cocaine made her perform better, but she needed to stay alert before shows to make sure she got some before Stevie Nicks & Lindsey Buckingham snorted and chugged it all.

Lebron James said he wants to own an NBA franchise in Las Vegas, once he finds several co-owners to blame when the team doesn’t win.

Donald Trump is said to have agreed with January 6th rioters who wanted to hang Mike Pence. Pence was temporarily excited because he thought Trump agreed that Pence was hung.

AT&T is reportedly working on delivering 20 gigabit-per-second Internet access to homes next year. Xfinity said their focus remains on convincing customers they’re getting gigabit Internet speed when it’s really about half that.

Britney Spears’ first husband Jason Alexander attempted to crash her Thursday wedding ceremony. He was arrested and will remain jailed for longer than the 55 hours he was married to Britney.

A British man broke a world record by deadlifting 285.49 pounds with a single finger. He was later rushed to a hospital with severe bleeding after picking his nose.

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Leslie Van Houten, convicted Manson Family murderer, had her parole recommendation reversed for a fifth time by California Governor Gavin Newsom and will remain in prison. Someone else will now have to bring potato salad to the Manson Family Reunion.

The United States will issue gender-neutral ‘X’ passports. Bored TSA agents will settle “what’s in the pants” wagers with impromptu pat-downs and strip searches.

After digging trenches to fortify their postition at the Chernobyl nuclear plant, Russian troops are suffering “acute radiation sickness”. Other Russian troops that occupied an abandoned Ukrainian McDonald’s are suffering from “regular sickness”.

The U.S. Justice Department is investigating Google for forcing automakers to include Google Maps navigation with any Android Auto installation. Google is telling the Justice Department to get lost.

The NHL Detroit Red Wings fired Al Sobotka, their Zamboni driver of 51 years. No details were given, but Sobotka was last seen taking a rink sobriety test administered by Michigan Skate Troopers.

Google Search has added a ‘Highly Cited’ label to vouch for quality & accuracy when returning information about a story or topic. They’re considering adding a ‘Highly Aroused’ label to Incognito Mode searches.

Infamous Kenosha shooter Kyle Rittenhouse said on a podcast that his repeated calls to President Joe Biden have gone “unreturned…crickets”. A White House spokesperson said Rittenhouse hasn’t been called back because Joe Biden doesn’t have the number for Rittenhouse’s Paw Patrol Phone.

Paraplegic House Rep. Madison Cawthorn said he’s been invited to orgies and watched fellow Congressmen do cocaine. He later admitted to exaggerating, and walked – or, rolled – back his remarks.

A woman was awarded $5.25 million in damages when she discovered she was impregnated with her fertility doctor’s sperm, not the sample she’d selected. The woman recalled thinking it was unusual her treatment included dinner and a movie.

Bruce Willis announced his retirement from acting, just 25 movies after being diagnosed with a cognitive illness.

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Ukraine’s Army is being criticized for forcing female cadets to march in high heels. Worse, none of them were given a matching belt & handbag.

General Motors will no longer install CD players in new cars. They’ll switch to in-dash clock/radios that hold your iPod.

Buffalo Bills backup quarterbacks Mitch Trubisky and Jake Fromm each got married over the weekend, following lengthy negotiations with their wives over moving to Buffalo.

As part of the “largest menu overhaul” in its history, Subway sandwich shops are slicing ham and turkey more thinly. They’ll also give customers special magnifying glasses so they can actually see the meat on their sandwich.

Donald Trump plans to sue Facebook & Twitter for banning him from their platforms. He’s currently choosing a tough, smart lawyer from the advertisements on Newsmax.

Miki Sudo, reigning Women’s Champion of the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest from 2014-2020, skipped the 2021 event because she’s pregnant. Doctors are concerned that her amniotic fluid is already 70% hot dog water.

The trainer of Marcel the Monkey from ‘Friends’ criticized David Schwimmer for his critical remarks about the monkey during the cast reunion, claiming Schwimmer was jealous of the monkey getting laughs. He also criticized Matthew Perry for falsely accusing the monkey of stealing his Vicodin.

Scarlett Johansson is rumored to be expecting a baby with husband Colin Jost. No word on whether the ‘Black Widow’ star will have the baby delivered by Doctor Strange, or induced with a Hulk smash.

Former Victoria’s Secret model Bridget Malcolm said she was told by a much older man to use cocaine and have “lots of sex” to lose weight before she had even turned 18. She refused the sex, but said thanks for the cocaine.

Former ‘Bachelorette’ Claire Crowley is having her breast implants removed, saying her current boyfriend told her that “your boobs are not what make you beautiful”. His opinion is not shared by dozens of former Bachelors.

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Scientists say up to a million seabirds were killed by a “blob” of warm water in the Northeast Pacific Ocean.  A family of whales apologized, but said they all really needed to piss.

The man who “took out” an active shooter with his own gun at a North Texas Church is being recognized with the state’s Medal Of Courage.  Then, next Sunday, he’ll give parishioners a free show shooting tin cans off of Jesus’ head and outstretched hands.

At the Singapore Motor Show, a custom Subaru was on display as the Forester Ultimate Customized Kit Special edition. Subaru denied involvement with the name, while adding that – because it’s a Special edition – they only have so many F.U.C.K.S. to sell. [story h/t to J.O.]

The FDA approved a Philadelphia company’s cocaine-based drug, Numbrino, which is to be used as a painkiller for nasal surgery. The FDA added that they’re not crazy about the drug being sold by pharmacists in restrooms of Philadelphia bars.

An eating disorders specialist who weighed 325 pounds lost 175 pounds through bariatric surgery and cutting out sugar. She said that she feels much better, and that her clients don’t roll their eyes behind her back as much.

Joyce Churchwell, an Oklahoma teacher and volleyball coach, was arrested for allegedly having a threesome with a male high school student and another adult female. The student described the encounter as “a lot of bumping and spiking.”

Kylie and Kendall Jenner are being sued for stealing copyrighted lace designs from company Klauber Brothers Inc, and using them in their ‘Kylie + Kendall’ lingerie products.  Klauber Brothers claims that if there’s one thing NBA athletes and rappers care about when they’re tearing off lingerie, it’s unique lace.

Rep. Ann Kirkpatrick, an Arizona Democrat, is entering a treatment program for alcohol dependence. She’s the only thing in Arizona that isn’t dry.

In a rare political ritual, members of the U.S. House of Representatives walked the Articles of Impeachment against Donald Trump to the U.S. Senate. The Senate took possession of them, then walked around looking for the intern who knows how to use the Scan function on the copier.

Dog walking is emerging as a highly popular and lucrative ‘side hustle’, with owners paying $20 to $30 for a 30-minute walk. Experts warn that some dog walkers will try to cut the half-hour short by using Snausages with Laxatives.