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Pennsylvania’s Dorney Park amusement park is the site of a mass vaccination clinic. They may leave it up through the summer to treat water park visitors for hepatitis.

Law & Order SVU producers say they’re hiring as many unemployed Broadway theater employees as they can – but with a preference for sex creeps.

The same researcher who claimed the ability to predict sexual orientation by facial scan now claims it can also predict political party. Some are outraged, others think it could be useful helping gay Republicans find each other.

The New York Times reports some jobless women are selling nudes on Only Fans to make ends meet, but are disappointed with low sales. “Maybe if you weren’t 80” said a choosy customer.

Donald Trump was impeached for a second time, as history repeached itself.

Snapchat permanently banned Donald Trump, citing the potential to incite violence, and, of course, the thousands of dick pics.

Siegfried Fischbacher of Siegfried & Roy died in Las Vegas at age 81. This follows the death of partner Roy Horn in May. Their famous white tigers are planning to retire from magic and start a singing act.

Joe Biden reportedly has to turn to Plan B because none of his cabinet picks will be confirmed before his inauguration. Fortunately Donald Trump had plenty of Plan B left in his medicine cabinet.

Former Michigan Governor Rick Snyder is facing neglect charges for failure to address the Flint, Michigan water crisis while in office. His attorneys claim the charges don’t hold undrinkable water.

Joe & Jill Biden announced they’ll adopt a cat once they’re in the White House. This, after the prior tenant preferred to get his pussy outside of it.

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HBO will reboot ‘Sex and the City’, but without Kim Cattrall’s Samantha. It will be titled ‘A Lot Less Sex and the City’.

The New York Times reports there’s a nationwide sperm shortage, and women are turning to Facebook groups to find donors. Group moderators are having a tough time screening thousands of requests to join the groups from 16-year-olds.

Conservative free speech social media site Parler has been taken down. A temporary landing page directs Parler insurrectionists plotting violent overthrows of the U.S. Government to use Evite.

Melania Trump gave an official statement via Twitter today. She addressed the D.C. riots & COVID-19 while thanking supporters, and touted an offer for a $49.99 decoder ring to find the secret message from her husband in the statement.

Chicago Bears wide receiver Cordarrelle Patterson was caught on a hot mic saying the f word during Nickelodeon’s airing of an NFL Wild Card playoff game. After the game, Patterson admitted to being a fan of You Can’t Do That On Television.

The New York State Bar Association is exploring disbarment of Rudy Giuliani for his role inciting insurrection on January 6th, and for causing irreparable harm to the public image of Just For Men.

Six inmates escaped the Merced County, California jail using a ‘homemade rope’. Prison officials promptly blocked HGTV from the inmate lounge and cancelled all arts & crafts classes.

Joe Biden nominated William Burns as Director of the CIA. “Excellent”, said Burns.

Samsung debuted a cleaning robot that doubles as a home monitoring device, so it’ll know when the coast is clear to steal your jewelry.

The FBI is asking for the public’s help identifying the man seen carrying a Confederate Flag through the Capitol Building, since no useful information was obtained in interviews with Bo, Luke, Daisy, Cooter and Roscoe P. Coltrane.

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Whole Foods CEO John Mackey said people wouldn’t need health care if they ate right. He then visited his friend in the hospital who’s battling cancer with kale.

Kanye West is reportedly divorcing Kim Kardashian’s ass – which is legally accurate since it has its own separate attorney.

Conflicting reports say the couple is not yet divorcing, but are in couples counseling. The sessions last an hour, then someone other than Kanye gets to talk.

American Airlines is banning all emotional support animials. American was then served with a class action lawsuit from a group of guinea pigs with Platinum Elite frequent flier miles.

Dr. Dre was rushed to Cedars Sinai hospital for treatment of a brain aneurysm. His estranged wife Nicole followed in a separate ambulance, demanding half of it.

Bed Bath & Beyond released an initial list of store closures. Shoppers living nearby are advised to seek still-open stores further Beyond.

Scotland’s leader Nicola Sturgeon said with the nation in lockdown, she would block Donald Trump from visiting his golf course there to avoid Joe Biden’s inauguration. That, and the course is so broke the guy who mows the grass quit anyway.

The Joint Session of Congress to count Electoral Votes will begin at 1pm – preceded at 11:00am by Congressional Interns count of enough lunches for everybody.

Washington DC will see large protests in support of Donald Trump today, including Proud Boys, 3 Percenters, the NRA, sportos, motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wastoids, dweebies, dickheads – they all adore him. They think he’s a righteous dude.

Lebron James wants to form an ownership group to buy the WNBA Atlanta Dream from defeated Senator and Black Lives Matter denouncer Kelly Loeffler. By “ownership group” he means the pile of money put together from emptying out all of his pants pockets.

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Donald Trump called Georgia Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger on Saturday, and for a full hour pressured him to recalculate the results of Georgia’s election. The call shocked Americans who never thought Trump would work on a Saturday.

Trump reportedly tried reaching Raffensperger 18 times – 15 voice mails, 2 butt-dials while golfing, and 1 ‘You up?’ text.

Vanilla Ice, Taylor Dayne, Berlin and Mike Love of the Beach Boys all performed at the Mar-A-Lago New Year’s Eve party. Surprisingly, all four acts had the date open on their calendars.

Chipotle will offer cauliflower rice nationwide. It costs two dollars extra and is prepared the same as their regular rice – using lime, cilantro and dangerous levels of bacteria.

Mitch McConnell’s home in Kentucky was vandalized over the weekend, as someone spray painted “WERES MY MONEY” on the front door. Police are seeking a person of interest, a former Kentucky state spelling bee champion.

T-Mobile says hackers accessed customer call records. Most customers need not worry, since the data was only for calls that went through.

43 COVID-postive staffers at a San Jose emergency room may have been infected by an employee who wore an inflatable costume in their work area on Christmas. All 43 regret taking turns helping to blow up Santa.

Los Angeles International Airport is now offering rapid COVID testing, so you can be quickly cleared for travel to go catch the virus somewhere else.

Google employees announced plans to unionize with the Communications Workers of America. Telephone linemen hope this means they can strike and get all the free snacks the Google people get.

An angry squirrel is aggressively attacking residents of a Queens neighorhood. Several residents claim they’ve been jumped on and bitten hard enough to draw blood. Experts believe the squirrel isn’t rabid, and is likely a frustrated Jets or Giants fan.

Nela Zisser, a 28-year-old New Zealand medical student, broke the Guinness World Record by consuming 16 chicken nuggets in 60 seconds, eclipsing the old record of 15 shared by every U.S. 9-year-old.

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Happy New Year! Thanks For Reading!

Weekly unemployment claims fell for the second consecutive week, but do not yet reflect massive layoffs expected at the North Pole.

Donald Trump plans to return to Washington and skip the annual Mar-A-Lago New Year’s Eve party, once he found out a bunch of Health Department narcs are shutting down tongue-kissing at midnight.

The minimum wage will increase in over 20 states in 2021. Shares of Gold Tipped Walking Sticks Incorporated are up in early trading.

A Wisconsin healh-care worker intentionally ruined hundreds of COVID-19 vaccines by removing them from a refrigerator. Even worse, he later microwaved the curried salmon he’d made room for in the fridge.

All-time Jeopardy! great Ken Jennings apologized for past insensitive tweets, but Daily Doubled down on some others.

Joe & Jill Biden will ring in 2021 as part of New Year’s Rockin Eve. Ryan Seacrest hosts, and will be in charge of waking Joe up at 11:45.

Samuel Little, believed to be the U.S.’ most prolific serial killer, died in a California prison at age 80. Little now begins the second of his three life sentences.

COVID-19 restrictions forced the move of the Rose Bowl to Texas, where it will be the Yellow Rose Bowl.

After multiple COVID outbreaks, the White House is being deep-cleaned at a taxpayer cost of $127,000. And it still smells like french fries.

Amazon is acquiring podcast producer Wondery, and starting a new podcast, ‘I Wondery Where My Package Is?’.

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Worcester, Massachusetts police arrested two boys and two girls, all ages 15 & 16, for throwing bricks at cars. The boys were referred for juvenile detention, and the girls were given softball scholarships.

The FAA issued new guidelines for home delivery of packages by drones. The guidelines expressly forbid the use of camera drones piloted by horny teenagers.

Donald Trump was reportedly upset with renovations to his Mar-A-Lago residence when he arrived for the holidays. He was most angry that nobody installed a younger woman.

American Airlines carried the first passengers on a Boeing 737 MAX since the jet was reauthorized by the FAA. It departed Miami at 10a.m. and arrived ahead of schedule when it touched down spinning into the Atlantic Ocean.

Billie Eilish lost 100,000 Instagram followers in a half-hour after posting sketches of women’s breasts. Some speculated that her younger followers’ parents were offended, while others thought the breasts just weren’t big enough.

The more contagious COVID-19 strain believed to have come from the U.K. has been confirmed in Colorado, where it plans to stock up on weed before heading back home.

At the current slower-than-expected pace, it will take ten years to vaccinate every American against COVID-19. The good news is that the vaccine they finally get will cover COVID 20 thru 30.

$600 stimulus checks will begin to arrive this week. The most-stated use of the money will be paying bills, while the least-stated use is tipping Grubhub or Postmates delivery drivers.

A happy Chrissy Teigen posted that she’s now “four weeks sober”, while happier Instagram users say it’s been five weeks since they unfollowed Chrissy Teigen.

A 21-year-old Russian sumo wrestler, Dzhambulat Khatokhov, once called “the world’s heaviest boy”, passed away. No cause of death was given, but those closest to him said he had kidney problems – namely, eating so many of them.

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Donald Trump signed the trillion-dollar COVID relief and government funding bill, but promised a line-by-line edit of the 5,000 page bill to reduce wasteful spending. In other news, Barron got two boxes of red ink pens in his stocking.

The World Health Organization claims a new mutant strain of supergonorrhea is on the rise during the pandemic. They recommend limiting its spread with condoms or genital distancing.

Investigators concluded the Nashville bomber killed himself when his RV exploded, but it was still more fun than most camping trips.

Masked Singer host Nick Cannon and partner Brittany Bell welcomed a baby girl, Powerful Queen Cannon. If it was a boy, they’d have named him either Powerful King Cannon, or Floyd.

Airlines may require travelers in 2021 to present a “vaccine passport”. Spirit Airlines may let passengers board the plane, then vaccinate themselves with needles other passengers leave behind.

Health officials warn nose-picking is contributing to the spread of COVID-19. They reiterate the importance of washing your hands prior to picking anyone’s nose.

The U.S. Supreme Court will decide the case of a 9th grade girl who was suspended from cheerleading for a year for posting the f-word on Snapchat. Before the court rules, Chief Justice John Roberts asked “why the f**k are we even hearing this case?”

Sarasota, Florida was named The Best Place To Retire in the U.S. by U.S. News & World Report. It was also named The Easiest Place To Chase Down A Meal by Alligator Dining magazine.

Actress Lori Loughlin was released from prison, before a live captive audience.

Philadelphia residents are encouraged to drop their natural Christmas tree at a local farm, where goats eat it. The goats ask that you just drop off the tree and leave, since they’re tired of talking about what went wrong with the Eagles.

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Merry Christmas, Everyone!!

Britney Spears’ boyfriend, fitness trainer Sam Asghari, said he contracted COVID-19 but recovered thanks to a healthy lifestyle. Britney said while Sam was toxic, she had not slipped under.

Volunteers calling themselves “grandchildren of Santa Claus” placed video calls to isolated elderly patients at a nursing home in Italy. The Italian seniors refused to speak with them because they’d never showed up to Sunday dinner.

A USA Today poll found 50% of registered voters call Donald Trump a “failed President”. Another 30% wanted to know if “failed” was the worst choice they had.

The CDC reported another coronavirus strain discovered in Nigeria, then said “nevermind, it’s just regular ol’ ebola”.

Oregon officials say one person’s “superspreader action” resulted in several deaths and over 300 people sick. The person in question defended himself, saying it was just a really busy shift at the Arby’s drive-thru.

Visa continued its ban for use on payments to Pornhub – a judge then ruled Visa can no longer say “it’s everywhere you want to be”.

Billionaire Ron Burkle – a former financial advisor to Michael Jackson – purchased Neverland Ranch for $20 million. Burkle hasn’t yet disclosed his future plans for the property, other than evicting Bubbles the Chimp.

The Houston Rockets postponed their season-opening game because too many players were in COVID protocol. James Harden plans to get both the Pfizer and Moderna vaccines, since he usually takes twice as many shots as he should.

The CDC still hasn’t notified passengers on a United Airlines flight where a man died of COVID-19 that they’ve been exposed. However, United asked them to designate a beneficiary for their frequent flyer miles.

Washington Football Team owner Daniel Snyder claims co-owner Dwight Schar is leaking information on Snyder’s alleged sexual misconduct in a effort to force Snyder out. Snyder has no plans to sell, but he is embarrassed, as evidenced by his red skin.

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A Los Angeles County sheriff’s deputy was recorded via his collar mic having sex with a woman on the Universal Studios lot. He was fired from the Sheriffs Department, but is now executive producer of four different movies.

The White House sent instructions to staffers on preparations to depart their jobs in January. They’ve ordered 500 more cases of Diet Coke for workers to pour on their laptops.

COVID-19 has reached Antarctica, according to a seal who said he couldn’t smell or taste the penguin he just ate.

Hip-hop artist Travis Scott gave away over 2,000 toys to needy children in his hometown of Houston, then shared bedroom pictures of baby mama Kylie Jenner to their 2,000 needy dads.

Passengers from a United Airlines flight where a man died of COVID-19 claim that they, too, are exhibiting symptoms. United said they’ll try to help the passengers, but as of now they’re still in Vaccine Group 7.

Israel’s parliament failed to pass a federal budget, despite what observers call the most amazingly lengthy display of haggling they’ve ever seen.

Fast food chain KFC partnered with Intel to launch the KFConsole – a game console that keeps your chicken warm. Gamers are hoping the games are powered by voice commands, since they can’t use a controller in their grease-soaked hands.

Uber is donating 10 million rides for people getting the COVID-19 vaccine, and also giving away some extra money to passengers suing Uber for their driver’s sexual harassment on the way to getting a vaccine.

The Delta passenger who jumped out of a taxiing aircraft’s emergency exit at Laguardia Airport told police he “was about to lose control”. Luckily he was able to pull himself together long enough to slide out of a moving jet.

The Food & Drug Administration approved the use of a special genetically-modified pig to study allergic reactions in humans. However, animal rights activists are objecting to studies gauging the pig’s reactions to food at Golden Corral.

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Kirk Cameron was criticized for organizing a Christmas caroling event at a California mall, drawing 500 participants with few wearing masks or social distancing. Cameron himself got angry at the hundreds who stayed after for a seance to contact Boner.

Tom Cruise cursed out crew members on the London set of Mission Impossible 7 for not social distancing. After his rant, Cruise peeled off his mask to reveal he was actually Vice President-elect Kamala Harris!!

Mitch McConnell spoke on the Senate floor to finally congratulate Joe Biden on winning the 2020 election, then sent a photo to Donald Trump of his fingers crossed behind his back.

California Congressman Eric Swalwell addressed an Axios report about his relationship with suspected Chinese spy Christine Fang in 2015. Swalwell said he did not share sensitive information with Feng, and only loved her short time.

Ivanka Trump and Donald Trump Jr both condemned government lockdowns of small businesses not ‘grounded in science’. This, from two people who were probably at some point grounded for failing science.

Hulu will produce a limited-run series about the Pamela Anderson & Tommy Lee sex tape. Their goal for the series is to get one one-thousandth of the views gotten by the sex tape.

California is reportedly ordering thousands of body bags as the COVID-19 death toll rises. They’re also telling relatives the bags take an extra week to arrive if they want them monogrammed.

MacKenzie Scott – ex-wife of Jeff Bezos – donated $4.2 billion of her estimated $60 billion fortune to charity in just the last four months, and stopped taking Donald Trump and Mike Pence’s calls when they found out about it.

A 5.000-year-old relic from the Great Pyramid of Giza was discovered in a cigar box in Scotland. It’s believed to be the world’s oldest souvenir refrigerator magnet.

The Federal Reserve announced they may make downward adjustments to interest rates, in order to lower mortgage rates and boost the economy. That way, people can buy houses now and maybe move into them a year later.