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New York City police seized 46 ice cream trucks for $4 million in unpaid tickets accumulated over 10 years. Owners will fight the charges, and Mister Softee was freed on $250,000 bail.

California lawmakers want to remove single-use plastic toiletry bottles from hotel rooms. Shampoo & conditioner will be placed in shower dispensers; to get hand lotion, men will need to bring their own or make an embarrassing purchase in the hotel gift shop.

April the Giraffe – mother of five calves at Animal Adventure in Upstate New York – is going on birth control, after a third zoo worker nearly died trying to put a condom on her boyfriend.

To prevent President Trump’s threatened tariffs on exports, Mexico offered to send its National Guard to the U.S. border, to make sure nobody enters the U.S. illegally without carrying drugs.

Doctors in New York removing a brain tumor from a 42-year-old woman ended up extracting a tapeworm. The parasitic worm was found to have consumed a lot of recipes and memories of Real Housewives episodes.

Michael Dougherty, director of ‘Godzilla: King of the Monsters’ said in an interview that any movie would be made better by Godzilla showing up 20 minutes in – drawing unanimous agreement from anyone who’s watched ‘Sex And The City’ films.

The New England Patriots gave out their largest-ever Super Bowl rings at a private party at Robert Kraft’s house – although Kraft asked two guests from Orchids of Asia Day Spa to remove theirs before the evening’s entertainment started.

New smartphones from banned Chinese manufacturer Huawei will ship without Facebook, Instagram or WhatsApp. Huawei execs reassured concerned buyers that they’ll still find a way to harvest & sell personal data.

A Washington Post report claims Walmart workers in stores using robots feel undervalued performing tasks like cleaning & inventory delegated by the machines.  Walmart is reprogramming the robots to be more likable, teaching them to vape & make sexual remarks about coworkers.

2006 QV89, an asteroid wider than a football field, could hit Earth this year. Thousands of amateur astronomers are frantically giving it directions to the White House and Mar-a-Lago.

 

 

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Facebook announced it’s cracking down on personality quizzes, because Mark Zuckerberg keeps failing them.

North Korea billed the United States $2 million for the care of deceased political prisoner Otto Warmbier for the period he was comatose in a North Korean jail. And that’s just the copay.

Aides to former New Jersey Governor Chris Christie were sentenced to prison for their roles in ‘Bridgegate’ – shutting down lanes of the George Washington Bridge out of spite against Christie’s rivals. Christie claimed to have no part in shutting down bridge lanes, saying he was busy closing his arteries.

In a People magazine story, friends of Lori Loughlin say she’s concerned her role in the Operation Varsity Blues sting will ruin her reputation, presumably among those who have never seen her act.

An aggressive squirrel has reportedly attacked “at least” five people in Seattle’s Prospect Park. Meaning, five people are big enough pussies to admit being attacked by a squirrel, and others are proud enough to keep it to themselves. [h/t to J.L.]

A Florida man is lucky to be alive after cutting his hand with a fishing hook and contracting ‘necrotizing fasciitis’ – flesh-eating bacteria that almost caused him to lose his arm or kill him. Meanwhile, his family called the fish they ate for dinner as “not great”.

Emirati woman Munira Abdulla awoke after being in a coma since a car accident in 1991. Her first words after 27 years were “shave my legs”.

BuzzFeed shared an article listing the best times to take a 3-minute bathroom break during the 3-hour long Avengers: Endgame. They suggest “anytime” once you’ve downloaded a bootlegged copy and paused it.

A Pittsburgh-area woman with a restraining order against her abusive ex-boyfriend discovered that he’d been secretly living in her attic for weeks. She told police that she had suspicions, with clues including the toilet seat left up, missing blankets, and a really smelly attic.

The Internal Revenue Service has designated the Satanic Temple in Salem, Massachusetts as a tax-exempt church, so good luck getting Donald Trump to pay taxes on Mar-A-Lago.

 

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Walmart is selling 98¢ reusable bags in order to cut down on plastic. Unfortunately, most Walmart customers ask for a bag to put them in.

  • The bags have a Walmart logo, so you can let others know you’re cutting down on plastic bag waste, but still open to buying any & all other kinds of plastic crap.

Patagonia apparel is suing Budweiser brewer AB-InBev, saying their new Patagonia-branded beer is confusing consumers by copying Patagonia’s brand, and that AB-InBev’s  dumber consumers may be injured trying to wear the beer like a sweater.

A teen caught shoplifting at a Toledo 7-Eleven said he took candy because he & his brother were hungry. Instead of calling cops, the owner gave him “real” food from 7-Eleven like pizza, nachos and sandwiches. The boys are recovering at a local hospital.

Millions viewed the first-ever photo of a massive black hole, many sharing them via an even bigger black hole, Facebook.

  • Scientists had two other photos of the black hole, but deleted them because the event horizon was blinking.

The Federal Council in Switzerland said that coffee is not necessary for human survival, and is removing it from national food reserves the country keeps in case of war, epidemic or disaster. The council’s decision was made sometime other than early morning.

Newark, Delaware elected a new mayor. Mayor elect Jerry Clifton said his priorities are updates to the city’s land use rules, and continuing the never ending struggle to keep people from confusing it with Newark, New Jersey.

Tulipan, an Argentian condom company, released the “consent condom” – which they claim requires four hands to open the packaging, instead of one hand and a good set of teeth.

  • However, chimps who want to have safe sex have successfully opened the packaging with their hands and feet.

The NTSB ruled that a 90-year-old pilot died in a small aircraft crash because his 70-pound dog flying in the passenger’s seat interfered with controls during landing. The dog survived the crash, and is currently seeking to collect on the man’s life insurance policy.

A Florida man was arrested for harassing customers of an Olive Garden. Cops found him sitting shirtless outside of the restaurant, eating spaghetti barehanded. The suspect intends to sue for not receiving utensils to consume his unlimited pasta bowl.

A bull terrier in the U.K. survived emergency surgery after an x-ray revealed he’d swallowed a Nintendo DS game cartridge. Vets are thankful that the game was saved with two remaining lives on it.

 

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Southwest Airlines kicked off its latest promotional discounts, with one-way fares as low as $69, and special one-way fat-shaming fares as low as $49.

As sub-zero temperatures in Chicago continue, residents are being advised about ‘Frost Quakes’ – rumbles and noises from subterranean rock breaking as it freezes. Not to be confused with the cheap store-brand Frost Quakes cereal your mom buys.

Nintendo delayed the launch of its eagerly-awaited smartphone game, Mario Kart Mobile, until this summer. However, the marketing slogan is already set: “Don’t Text and Drive — Drive and Drive!”

Augusta National Golf Club announced that the par-4 5th hole, named ‘Magnolia’, has been lengthened 40 yards to 495 yards for this year’s Masters. They also announced that there isn’t a chance in hell you slobs will ever see or play it in person.

A South Korean woman whose husband died suddenly in Mexico claims Mexican authorities returned his corpse with the brain, heart and stomach missing.  In an unrelated story, the scarecrow and tin man got what they wanted from the Mexican Wizard of Oz.

Gisele Bundchen, wife of star NFL QB Tom Brady, opened up about her relationship with actor Leonardo Dicaprio. Bundchen said she split from Dicaprio because she was “no longer numbing herself” with drinking and work. Dicaprio replied saying he split up with Bundchen because she was “no longer 22”.

USA Today published an expose of Miami’s Jolie Plastic Surgery center, where 8 women have died after plastic surgery, 4 from complications of Brazilian Butt Lifts. The principal physician regrets that their asses couldn’t be saved.

A drunken British man whose misbehavior caused a Calgary-to-London flight to turn around must reimburse WestJet Airlines $21,000 for the fuel costs they incurred. The man said he’ll pay for the jet fuel, but only if he gets to drink some of it.

Walmart announced it will start paying bonuses to employees for good attendance. A spokesman called this a win/win for employees, since the bonuses are paid for showing up, not for actually doing any work.

Researchers at Stanford & NYU found that people who deactivated Facebook for four weeks reported being happier, but less informed about current events. They also reported difficulty finding $19 Ray-Ban sunglasses and bootleg copies of first-run movies.

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President Trump issued government shutdown threats via Twitter, saying his $5 billion border wall is effective, and that he “knows tech better than anyone.” Trump then set down his unsecured smartphone and asked Barron how the thing he’s holding makes Mario’s go-kart move on the tv.

A GoFundMe for the border wall is now one of the site’s Top 5 biggest money-raisers ever. The campaign was started by a Purple Heart recipient and triple-amputee, who echoes Trump’s sentiment that wall-climbing is hard.

Valeri Spiridonov, a Russian man in Florida suffering from a muscle-wasting disease, canceled plans to undergo the world’s first head transplant after his wife gave birth to a healthy baby boy. Spiridonov said that at this magical time of year, it’s better to give head than receive it. [ h/t to SES ! ]

  • Meanwhile, nobody is more relieved at the transplant being called off than the donor.

Svetlana Zhakarova, a former mistress of one-time New York Attorney General Eliot Spitzer, claims that while his wife was away, he snuck her into his NYC apartment in a suitcase. She called the experience humiliating, but added that she swears by the quality and storage capacity of Samsonite luggage.

Amazon announced that Prime Now members who order by 9p.m. on Christmas Eve will get packages delivered before Midnight. In tandem, Amazon Prime Now Dirtbags guarantee that they’ll steal it off of your porch by 1a.m. Christmas morning.

Wawa, Sheetz & 7-Eleven all announced that they’ll be open all, or part, of Christmas Day. They invite families to stop in to grab a hot drink, or just sit in the parking lot to watch customers and gain a better understanding of Seasonal Depression.

WhatsApp chat groups are spreading illegal child porn. Parent company Facebook claimed they’re doing all they can, with Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg clicking the Wow! emoji on the story after she read it.

Pope Francis urged sexual predator priests and bishops to turn themselves in. As for cardinals, he said they should hold off because he needs some help moving furniture when he gets a new apartment on January 1st.

A former chemistry major at Lehigh University admitted to poisoning his roommate’s food & drink with toxic metal thallium. The chemistry major fell just short of getting an automatic 4.0 because his roommate lived.

Samsung is reportedly working on its own version of Google Pixel’s popular low-light photography feature ‘Night Sight’, to be called Bright Night. Samsung said Galaxy phone owners feel left out because they can’t take flashless naked selfies in the dark without awaking their spouses.

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Porn actress Jenna Jameson shared three photos of her buttocks on Instagram, to display the progress of her appearance over the course of an eight-month, 80-pound weight loss. “Oh, NOW I recognize you!” said 50 different male porn stars when they saw the third picture.

A GoFundMe campaign seeks to raise a billion dollars to help fund the controversial wall along the U.S./Mexico border, and has already raised $3.3 million dollars. It was started by The Trump Foundation.

Customer service agents at DNA testing services like Ancestry and 23andMe are reporting fielding panic calls from customers getting results that reveal they’re adopted, or that children aren’t really theirs. They say the hard part is telling callers that speaking to a supervisor won’t change that their wife had an affair.

Kim, Khloe & Kourtney Kardashian and sister Kylie Jenner all said they’ll no longer update their personal apps and websites — abandoning fans who will only be able to see & read about them on their tv show..gossip sites..other tv shows.. Facebook.. Instagram.. Snapchat..TikTok…

Anheuser-Busch is investing $50 million toward development of cannabis-infused beverages. So around July 4th, when they put America on Budweiser cans, it will read Stoned America instead.

Following Alfonso Ribeiro’s lawsuit against Epic Games ‘Fortnite’ for stealing his Carlton Dance, ‘Backpack Kid’, inventor of the Floss, is also suing Epic for stealing his dance. Lawyers for Chubby Checker are ready just in case Fortnite characters do The Twist while standing in front of a walker.

Walgreens announced a plan designed to save the company more than $1 billion annually. It pretty much boils down to firing everyone who’s been stealing oxycontin.

The U.S. Justice Department accused China of systemic hacking into the systems of American tech & industry giants. Comcast said that the Chinese had stolen their Customer Satisfaction Playbook – but the Justice Department said they’re more worried about useful information that was stolen.

In the U.K., a dying man enamored of his two-year-old neighbor girl bought her 19 years of Xmas presents and had them delivered to her parents before he passed away.  The parents cried, then promptly opened the Year 19 gift and got wasted on it.

Saudi Arabia announced the creation of three new government bodies aimed at improving their intelligence operations after the murder of journalist Jamal Khashoggi at the Saudi consulate in Istanbul. The three bodies are: strategy & development; legal affairs; and a new & improved secret murder department.

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President Trump named Mick Mulvaney acting chief of staff. Trump had met with former NJ Governor Chris Christie to take the job. Christie was rumored to be on the short list, and also on the obese list.

A report from Oxford University found that a Russian disinformation campaign used every major social media platform to share content geared to elect Donald Trump. It was so far-reaching, Russians issued 10 million tweets, 61 thousand Facebook posts, and even made Trump’s LinkedIn profile look pretty good.

Angela Ponce of Spain became the first transgender woman to compete in the Miss Universe pageant. Ponce did not make the Top 20, despite winning the bench press competition.

Spice Girl Mel ‘Scary Spice’ B posted photos to Instagram after suffering a severed hand and broken ribs in an accident. She’s expected to make a full recovery. Asked if injures would disrupt singing and dancing for the upcoming Spice Girls reunion tour, Scary said no, since she could never sing or dance to begin with.

Offset crashed wife Cardi B’s performance at the Rolling Loud Festival in Los Angeles over the weekend, showing a floral arrangement reading TAKE ME BACK CARDI. Cardi refused, despite Offset’s promise to include her in all his future threesomes.

Former Today Show host Megyn Kelly debuted a new short haircut. Kelly said the short hair makes it easier to put on the afro wig she bought for next year’s Halloween costume.

Merriam-Webster named ‘justice’ its Word of the Year for 2018, citing a large increase in look-ups for the word – though many are believed to be confused parents trying to find the teen girls’ clothing store of the same name.

  • ‘Justice’ succeeds 2017’s Word of the Year, ‘feminism’ — President Trump is already pretty sick of them both.

Following the Chicago Bears’ win over the Green Bay Packers, Bears left tackle Charles Leno Jr proposed marriage on the sidelines to his girlfriend, Jennifer Roth. Roth said yes, and Leno entered the concussion protocol.

RadarOnline reports that 69-year-old Caitlyn Jenner and her partner, 22-year-old Sophia Hutchins, are planning to marry and welcome a baby in 2019. They’re reportedly exploring adoption or having a surrogate carry Sophia’s egg and Caitlyn’s sperm.

An autonomous food delivery robot operated by Berkeley, California startup Kiwi, burst into flames on a sidewalk during a delivery on Friday. The robot left a note saying it couldn’t live with itself any longer for delivering all of those Arby’s sandwiches.

 

 

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The Spice Girls officially announced their reunion tour, featuring four of the five original members. Group managers scoured cooking websites researching substitutes for Posh Spice.

Bloomberg reports that senior citizens are rapidly replacing teenagers as fast-food workers.  Older workers are desirable for their ‘soft’ skills like interacting with people, and because they generate less saliva to spit into customers’ food.

NBC News and Fox News are both pulling a Trump campaign ad portraying a migrant caravan traveling to the U.S./Mexico border as invaders and criminals. NBC News said that it was racist, and Fox News said that it wasn’t racist enough.

  • Facebook also banned the ad, but reminds everyone you can still post all the crazy racist crap you want on Facebook, you just can’t pay them to share it.

North Korea said that if the U.S. does not ease crippling sanctions against them, they could restart buildup of nuclear weapons. The North Koreans admitted they’ve dismantled some of their nuclear arsenal, but said it can be rebuilt fast since it’s made entirely out of Legos.

Lowe’s is closing 51 stores, all of which haven’t seen many highs.

The American Academy of Pediatrics wants to ban spanking, saying it does long-term damage to children. They also want to ban yelling at, shaming and humiliating children — leaving many parents asking what’s left for them to do.

Harvey Weinstein asked a judge to dismiss his sexual assault case entirely. The judge invited Weinstein to his chambers, where he sat wearing only a robe, and asked Weinstein for a massage.

Convenience store 7-Eleven is experimenting with self-checkout.  Customers can either use the 7-Eleven app to report what they stole while in-store, or grab cash at any of the unmanned registers if they’re just there to rob the place.

Loyal customers of a California donut shop are buying out the store’s inventory every day so the owner can close early and be with his wife, who’s in rehab after an aneurysm. The owner is also able to say hi to many loyal customers suffering diabetic shock after eating a dozen donuts each day.

Billionaire Bill Gates gave the keynote address at a Reinvented Toilet Expo in China. Gates spoke about safe waste disposal as a jar of human feces rested on a pedestal next to him. After the speech Gates stayed for dinner, while the jar of poop returned to the U.S. where it’s running for Congress as a Republican.

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First Lady Melania Trump’s parents, Amalija and Viktor Knavs of Slovenia, became U.S. citizens this week. They recognized the milestone with an original speech that they co-wrote with their daughter, which they called the ‘Pledge of Allegiance’.

President Trump again criticized NFL players kneeling during the National Anthem during preseason games, leading Commissioner Roger Goodell to launch an investigation to find out how Fox News aired NFL preseason football games.

According to a survey from Match.com, New York had the highest 2016 average cost of a date – two restaurant dinners, a bottle of wine and two movie tickets – at $297. The measure doesn’t include the cost of pepper spray and a getaway Uber for dates who choose not to have sex after someone spent almost three hundred bucks.

HGTV won the bidding and purchased The Brady Bunch House in California. They plan to feature the home in a new remodeling show, where three men and three women restore the interior while forming a really crappy band.

A new University of Michigan study of online dating behavior looked at tens of thousands of messages in four U.S. cities: Chicago, Seattle, New York & Boston; and found that Asian women and older white men received the most messages. Although it turned out the study authors found that the older men were repeatedly messaging Asian women, who repeatedly messaged back to leave them alone.

According to Nielsen ratings, Nickelodeon’s ‘Henry Danger’ is the #1 rated show on cable tv among teens aged 12-17, except in households where parental controls have been cracked, where the top show is Anything With Nudity.

In Conestoga, PA, a septic truck driver lost control and flipped his truck in to a homeowner’s backyard pool. Asked to describe the smell of diesel fuel, oil and human waste, the fire chief told reporters “use your imagination…..or, just visit Wildwood Beach, New Jersey.”

Buffalo Wild Wings is considering allowing sports wagering in its 1,200 restaurants, saying they think customers will want to gamble on games — and lose — the same way they gamble — and lose — on ‘B-Dubs’ overpriced wings.

The world’s oldest hotel, Nishiyama Onsen Keiunkan, a resort near Mt. Fuji, has been managed by the same family for 52 generations and been open since 705 A.D. The new issue of Travel & Leisure magazine recognized them for having ‘the world’s oldest, most disgusting duvet covers’.

Facebook is shutting down ‘Friend List Feeds’, the customized feeds that showed only posts from select people. Facebook will be replacing it with ‘New Russian Friends Whether You Like It Or Not’.

 

 

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Actress Jennifer Garner and her daughter Violet had to be rescued when they became lost kayaking in Sweden. Garner thanked her rescuer, known only as ‘Mattias’, and expressed her regret over divorcing Batman at a time like this.

‘The Bachelorette’ Becca Kufrin selected Garrett Yrigoyen over Blake Horstmann, and Yrigoyen proposed marriage on the series season finale.  Becca dismissed Blake, saying she believed there “was a better fit” for them out there. She told Blake she will keep his naked selfie in her active file and contact him if another suitable position opens up.

CVS announced it will offer $59 video-enabled ‘Telemedicine’ sessions via its smartphone app. Users will be able to contact a medical professional 24 hours a day, although the hours of 1a.m – 5a.m. will just be CVS janitors declining unauthorized oxy-contin refills.

Delta Airlines announced it’s rolling out a three-course meal and wine option for its economy passengers, saying it will “feel ..like dining at a favorite restaurant”. That’s true if your favorite three-course restaurant meal is served inches away from a snoring stranger,  and two of the three courses are pretzels.

Avocados as large as a human head, dubbed ‘Avozilla’, have arrived in Australia. They’re the equivalent of 20 regular-sized avocados, which is convenient for prepping large batches of guacamole. On the downside, a dozen people have sliced off their forearm removing the pit with a machete.

Miguel Angel Corea Diaz, a 35-year-old alleged kingpin in the MS-13 drug gang, complained to a judge about poor conditions in the New York county jail where he’s being held. Diaz said he gets death threats and isn’t allowed to use the phone, comparing his surroundings to having a day job in the Oval Office.

According to a Politico/Morning Consult poll, 79% of African-American voters say race relations have deteriorated since Donald Trump became president. The other 21% asked for clarification as to what “race relations” meant.

Disney Store is launching a toll-free “Sleep Shop Hotline” that kids can call to receive one of five messages from Mickey Mouse, Minnie Mouse, Donald Duck, Daisy Duck and Goofy.  Minnie asks if they’ve brushed their teeth and Goofy talks about his fun day with Mickey. A sixth message–Scrooge McDuck asking kids what they’re wearing–was nixed.

Business Insider released a list of the most-Googled ‘money related terms’ in each state. For instance in California, it was ‘cryptocurrency’; in New York, it was ‘health insurance’; in Mississippi, it was “sell my goat”.

The Harris Poll ranked the social media apps that respondents found “hardest to break away from”. The winner? Facebook, which 49% of respondents named. Facebook was only declared the winner after Harris Poll-‘ers told men that, technically, Pornhub isn’t a social media app.