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HBO’s Game of Thrones won its fourth Outstanding Drama Emmy Award – but, once again, dragons were snubbed in all acting categories.

Kim Kardashian and Kendall Jenner were heckled and laughed at while presenting the Emmy for Best Reality Show. Hint – their show didn’t win.

Bruce Springsteen turned 70. His family couldn’t decide whether to get him a car or a woman, because in his songs they’re the same thing.

Former Scientologist Leah Remini discovered that her Scientologist father died a month ago. She was angry that she wasn’t told, but Scientologists said not to worry, a spaceship carrying his soul will meet up with her again soon.

Downton Abbey, the Movie topped the weekend box office with $31 million in ticket revenue. The number is expected to possibly double as elderly cheapskates invade multiplexes for $5 Tuesday.

Reacting to Antonio Brown’s dismissal from the New England Patriots and Twitter tirade, Dennis Rodman called Brown’s actions “How to Ruin Your Career 101.” Rodman then drove to a nearby community college where he teaches “How to Ruin Your Career 101.”

At the United Nations Climate Action Summit, a report warns that the Earth is on track for the warmest five-year period on record. Meanwhile, female climatologists at the meeting put on sweaters and ask for the thermostat to be turned up.

Romeo Santos made history as the first Latin artist to headline New Jersey’s MetLife stadium, drawing 80,000 to a sold-out show. His ability to draw a crowd that big to MetLife led to him being offered a job as starting quarterback for the New York Jets.

A child in Longview, Washington called 911 after getting off his school bus, telling the operator that the bus driver was drunk. The driver was subsequently arrested. Asked why he didn’t call while on the bus, the child said “Hey, I’m not walking home.”

Google is rumored to be buying Fitbit. Google is interested because your heartbeat is the one piece of your personal data they don’t already own.

 

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Jeff and Mackenzie Bezos’ $38 billion divorce settlement is almost complete, according to a lawyer at a Lamborghini dealership.

New York City began enforcement of its styrofoam ban. Emergency rooms were overflowing with burn and ulcer victims as Dunkin started pouring coffee directly into customers’ mouths.

According to a new study, one in five Americans say they’ve been hurt by someone else’s drinking. Four out of five really appreciate having that wingman.

House Democrats are calling for the investigation of a Secret Facebook group where Border Patrol agents make jokes about migrant deaths and post vulgar images of Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. The group is launching their own investigation as to who wrecked the secret.

United Airlines apologized for putting a 14-year-old on the wrong international flight from Newark to Europe. They were able to get the teen on the correct flight, and compensated him with someone’s puppy they found in the cargo hold.

USA Today surveyed readers to find out the 25 most popular things they bought in the month of June. Not making the list? – USA Today.

Barnes & Noble opened a new store in Wilmington, Delaware. The new location is designed to be more customer-friendly, so they’ve widened the spaces between shelves to give drug addicts and vagrants more room to lie down.

Tom Brady posted an Instagram video of him cursing after hitting an errant tee shot while golfing, captioned with “when you forget the kids are in the cart”. Brady’s sons laughed, then got back to learning how to cheat at golf.

Walmart is using virtual reality headsets to test middle-management job candidates’ skills. So far, the virtual reality that elicits the best candidate response is the one where they work someplace other than Walmart.

A Bankrate.com study finds over 50% of Americans are losing sleep worrying about money – and are even more pissed off their Fitbits keep telling them they need more sleep.

University researchers in Mexico have created a form of biodegradeable plastic from the juice of the prickly pear cactus. Great news if you care about the environment and don’t mind slicing your lip open drinking bottled water.

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Gayle King interviewed R. Kelly for CBS, the same week her friend Oprah Winfrey interviewed men who allege sexual abuse by Michael Jackson. The phrase “girrll pleeeease” is expected to be said several times when King & Winfrey meet up.

A North Carolina artist reimagined Disney Princesses as modern-day adults with careers. For instance, Mulan is a Title IX lawyer, Sleeping Beauty is a coffee company CEO, and Ariel is a pop star/record producer navigating the sexist music industry where men want to play her scales.

An anonymous winner claimed the largest U.S. lottery prize in history, an $878 million Mega Millions jackpot. As a resident of South Carolina, the winner plans to invest the funds in the world’s largest backyard above-ground pool and trampoline.

President Trump called Jay Barrett of West Haven, Connecticut, a Trump supporter reportedly on his death bed, who wanted to talk to the President before he died. The White House was praised for its response, and for its savvy filtering out dying citizens who also want to speak to Trump to tell him to f**k off once before they go.

Forbes Magazine declared cosmetics mogul Kylie Jenner the youngest-ever “self-made billionaire”, followed by intense debate regarding how much of Kylie’s wealth is self-made, and how much is implants.

Women alleging sexual assault at properties promoted by Trip Advisor claim that, when they complained, Trip Advisor told them to mention the sexual assault in “negative reviews”. Most of the women were angered by the advice, though some complied with reviews like “Almost Died, But Soft, Plentiful Towels”.

Oscar winner Rami Malek is rumored to be the villain in the 25th James Bond film. Few details are available, although the villain is said to speak in an emotionless monotone that bores people to death.

Fitbit introduced new, less-expensive wearable fitness trackers, as part of its ongoing effort to be more cost-competitive with cheeseburgers.

Team Brad Rutter won the $1 million grand prize in Jeopardy’s All-Star Team Challenge, as America welcomes the return of traditional Jeopardy!, where you can make fun of contestants who you think might actually be dumber than you.

Family Dollar plans to close 400 stores. Sales failed to meet forecasts due to a declining trend in depressing children’s birthday parties in the Deep South.

 

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A U.S. man vacationing in Australia survived multiple injuries after falling from a hang glider ride;  he’d hung on for 4 minutes after the pilot forgot to strap him in. The pilot defended himself, saying he’d turned on the fasten seat belt sign. 

Republican Cindy Hyde-Smith won the Mississippi run-off election for the state’s second U.S. Senate seat, despite making racially charged comments about public hangings and Confederate history. Declaring victory, she told supporters “the South shall rise again.”

He Jankui, the Chinese scientist who stunned the world by claiming he created the first gene-edited babies defended his actions, saying he did so to prevent them from contracting HIV…and to make them taller…and hot. 

Bruce Springsteen revealed in an Esquire interview that he struggles with mental health issues. He stated there was period of time in his songwriting when his depression completely shut down his ability to compare women to automobile engines. 

Pierce Brosnan reunited with his three on-screen stepchildren – Mara Wilson; Lisa Jakub; and Matthew Lawrence – to commemorate the 25th anniversary of Mrs. Doubtfire. They took pictures together, then visited Mrs. Doubtfire’s two graves. 

During a friendly round of golf with his son and fellow pro Fred Couples, Tiger Woods sunk his first actual hole-in-one in 20 years. Woods said it was good to see a real one, since he’s used to seeing “hole-in-one” next to his name in about 100 sex puns a week. 

Former Facebook manager Mark Luckie made public a memo he’d written to top execs accompanying his resignation. Luckie, who is black, cited the lack of black representation at Facebook. He said 3 other people resigned for the same reason,  putting Facebook’s black workforce at 2. 

Former FBI director James Comey said that new Acting Attorney General Matthew Whitaker is “not the sharpest knife in our drawer.” Whitaker replied, asking what Comey meant. 

According to parenting website Baby Center, Sophia and Jackson are the most popular girl, and boy, baby names for the sixth consecutive year. However, gay and hipster couples who dislike traditional gender identifications have made Teebeedee increasingly popular. 

Wearable fitness trackers from Apple, Fitbit & Garmin may soon transmit warnings to users based on irregular heart rate patterns. Messages could range from ‘high beats per minute’ to ‘see a doctor’ to ‘nice knowing you’.

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Fitbit added menstrual cycle tracking to its devices, which means they’ll wait and tell women how many steps they’ve taken once they’re in a better mood.

A filmmaker was killed by a giraffe while working on a project in South Africa. After a tense standoff, the giraffe dropped its AR-15 and surrendered to authorities.

Special counsel Robert Mueller reportedly rejected a request by President Trump’s legal team to answer his questions in the Russia investigation ‘in writing’. Mueller ruled out the take-home test after finding out Trump lawyer Rudy Giuliani had purchased a Teachers Edition of “Intro to Treason” on eBay.

First Lady Melania Trump introduced her new program for children’s health, ‘Be Best’. The platform has a three-fold focus: healthy living; positive use of social media; and combating opioid abuse. President Trump attended the press conference while eating Big Macs, tweeting insults at Robert Mueller and hitting up Ronny Jackson for some Oxy.

Melania has been accused of copying Michelle Obama in crafting ‘Be Best’, including modifying Obama’s ‘Be Better’ message and issuing a pamphlet about online behavior that was copied from the Obama-era FTC. Melania denied the allegations while wearing blackface, a black wig and an affordable J Crew dress.

A California judge upheld a ruling that coffee sold in the state must carry a cancer warning. Starbucks scrambled to add “Consuming this beverage may increase risk of venti half-caf soy double-shot no-whip cappucinonoma.”

Executives from Google, Amazon & Facebook visit Washington on Thursday to discuss the future of artificial intelligence — with White House staff who represent the present state of no human intelligence.

Flight attendants speaking with publication Who What Wear shared what men and women should wear when flying to increase their chance of a first class upgrade: “anything but Crocs.”

The IAAF, governing body for track & field, may rule that South African woman sprinter Caster Semenya may be barred from competing due to her high levels of naturally-occurring testosterone, and because her balls keep snagging on the high hurdles.

A crocodile tore off the arm of a bride-to-be as she kayaked with her fiance eight days before her wedding in Zimbabwe. She was rescued, the wedding took place on schedule, and the bride tossed her arm to single women gathered at the reception, hoping they’d catch it and be next to marry.

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Tim McGraw collapsed onstage at the Country To Country Festival in Dublin, Ireland – forcing him to cancel the rest of his show. Medics administered a ‘country music I.V.’ of whiskey and tears, and McGraw was stabilized.

Sid Luft, deceased husband of late actress Judy Garland, claims in his memoir that Garland was molested by actors playing munchkins on the set of The Wizard Of Oz. Garland told Luft she knew it was the munchkins and not her other co-stars because there wasn’t any straw, oil or fur on her clothing.

Porn star Stormy Daniels offered to return the $130,000 she received as part of a non-disclosure agreement with Donald Trump’s lawyer. Trump has not responded, but sources say he’d take the money from Daniels, depending on where on her body she hid the check.

Google Maps commemorated ‘Mario Day’ [Mar 10] by allowing the app’s users to navigate as Nintendo’s Mario for the week. So far state police have reported over a dozen drivers plunging to their death attempting shortcuts on Rainbow Road.

President Trump fired Rex Tillerson as Secretary of State, just weeks after Tillerson announced “I’ll here for all of 2018.” Tillerson said what he meant was he’d be at the State Department for all of 2018 more minutes.

President Trump nominated Gina Haspel to be the first female to head the CIA. Haspel’s candidacy faces stiff opposition over her alleged involvement in operating torture sites in Thailand, where inmates were said to have been repeatedly waterboarded in between having to watch Fried Green Tomatoes with her.

Fitbit is launching a fitness tracker for kids. It logs their increased heart rate and how many steps they take running from bullies.

A New Hampshire judge ruled that the woman winning a $560 million Powerball jackpot may remain anonymous. Her name will not be published, but meanwhile there’s an ordinary woman pulling in to a Cumberland Farms in a Rolls Royce wearing a floor length chinchilla coat and a diamond tiara.

A 68-year-old woman on a casual fishing trip in Australia caught a 130-pound fish bigger than herself. Asked the key to making such a catch, she said getting the fish to talk about itself.

President Trump travels to California for the first time as President on Tuesday. He’s expected to visit San Diego to look at prototypes for his Mexico border wall — in case you were wondering why the entire state was out of gold paint.

 

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The U.S. Women’s Open Golf Championships begin this weekend at Trump National Golf Club in Bedminster, NJ. No word on whether Donald Trump will attend to grab ’em by the putter.

Christopher Wray, Trump’s nominee for FBI Director, vowed independence, telling a Senate Confirmation Panel that he will not be “pulling punches”. Senate Democrats responded saying it was fine with them any time he wanted to punch President Trump.

Scientists confirm that a giant iceberg has broken free of Antarctica. The iceberg is said to be the size of Delaware, and about three times more fun.

A report from The Daily Mail states that NBC has cancelled ‘The Biggest Loser’. The report cannot be confirmed by NBC programming executives, who are refusing to weigh in.

Quentin Tarantino has announced that the subject for his next film will be the Manson Family – as the director pursues a move to more lighthearted fare.

Jacob Javits Convention Center in NYC is using trap-and-neuter feral cats from area animal shelters to control its rodent problem. So far the cats are working for food and shelter, but rumors persist that the cats have been approached by the Teamsters.

The NBA has changed its rules regarding timeouts. Each team will get 7 timeouts per game, down from 9. The change is meant to improve the pace of play, and because the dancers were having trouble memorizing so many different routines.

  • Courtside celebrities like Jack Nicholson criticized the reduction in timeouts, saying they weren’t doing his overactive bladder any favors.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg is halfway through his ‘personal challenge’ to visit the 30 states he’s never been to. Some of the states Zuckerberg had never seen are Alaska, Iowa, Mississippi, Minnesota, and Poverty.

A new step counting study from Stanford University shows that China is the least-lazy country, with residents averaging 6,990 steps per day. The laziest country was Indonesia, averaging 3,513 steps per day. Said an Indonesian “we’re starving!”

  • The United States was the fourth-laziest country at 4,774 steps per day. Complicating matters were the number of American participants leaving their step tracker on the couch.

A new study states that young children who don’t get 9 to 11 hours sleep per night will age faster than those who do. The study was funded by new Ambien for Toddlers.

Clint Eastwood has cast the three California friends who thwarted a terrorist attack on a French train in 2015 to play themselves in the new film ‘The 15:17 to Paris’. Asked why he cast real people instead of actors, the 87 year-old director yelled “Cut!”