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Due to the coronavirus, the state of Arizona announced it’s delaying the first day of school. “Yeah, but what about the second day of school?” asked an Arizona high school football captain.

WNBA Players Association president Nneka Ogwumike told a USA Today reporter that players opted out of their agreement with the league as a “bet on themselves”. She then asked the reporter to pull up to the second window to continue the interview.

Ryan Seacrest broke up with longtime girlfriend Shayna Taylor, and vacationed with an unidentified woman in Mexico. He requests privacy until they debut three new talk shows together.

Studies show talking may spread coronavirus even worse than coughing. Experts call this one more reason for blowing off your grandparents.

Google added ten new dinosaurs you can place in photos using Google search and augmented reality. They include velociraptor, stegosaurus and Mitch McConnell.

The Women’s Tennis Association announced they’ll return with several small tournaments in late summer, including the Prague Open, featuring Karolina Pliskova and Petra Kvitova. They look forward to their extended break being ova.

Mark Wahlberg shared a photo of his back after an allergy scratch test. Wahlberg posted the tests revealed he’s “allergic to almost everything” – excluding awful Michael Bay and M. Night Shyamalan movies.

Looking at a red light for three minutes every day may improve eyesight in people over 40. However, it also increases the risk of getting honked at when the light turns green.

Fox News fired anchor Ed Henry following an investigation into sexual harassment. Henry was let go after it was determined he wasn’t harassing women nearly enough.

Alaska Airlines flight attendants will issue yellow warning cards to passengers who refuse to wear face masks while on board. If they refuse, they’ll receive a red card and a parachute.

 

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McDonald’s announced it’s returning some items to the menu that had been cut for efficiency during the pandemic. Returning items include fully-cooked Quarter Pounders.

A part owner of the Golden State Warriors said his favorite interview question is asking a candidate to “think about something you love and teach it to me”.  He said it demonstrates creativity, and that it’s enabled him to learn a bunch of new sex positions.

Facebook removed some Trump ads for displaying an inverted red triangle – a symbol of organized hate. Then Facebook execs returned to counting the money they earn from disorganized hate.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop website is now selling a candle ‘This Smells Like My Orgasm” for $75. Expensive, but her past husbands and boyfriends have spent a lot more to smell it.

Blood type may play a role in which COVID-19 patients get sickest. So far, the worst blood types to have are ‘New Jersey’ and ‘Florida’.

A new study lists seven health benefits of walking – or, eight, if you count walking alone without your family.

Tesla released a software upgrade for its electric cars, including the ability to record self-facing video from the dashcam, so drivers can see what they look like when they’re getting carjacked.

JCPenney kicked off Going Out Of Business sales at 136 of its store locations, and Probably Going Out Of Business sales at the rest.

Fox News viewers took note of White House adviser Kellyanne Conway’s smoother facial features, leading to speculation that she’s enhanced her appearance with fillers, a facelift, or a third mortgage of her soul with the Devil.

Honey Boo Boo’s mother, Mama June Shannon, admitted that she was addicted to drugs, with a $2,500-a-day meth habit. Her friends offered to get her into rehab, but first they offered to find her much better prices for meth.

 

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A Chicago woman in her 20s received a rare double-lung transplant after recovering from COVID-19. “What a set of lungs!” said men looking at her, for a different reason than usual.

A couple in Thailand was sentenced to 723 years in prison for pulling a scam on customers of their seafood restaurant. The scam was opening a Long John Silver’s.

A new book claims Melania Trump renegotiated her prenuptial agreement as a condition of moving to the White House. The contract’s White House Amendment was added just below the Banging Porn Stars Amendment.

Pro golfers gathered in Fort Worth, Texas for the Charles Schwab Challenge, as the PGA Tour resumed inaction.

Fox News evening host Sean Hannity is reportedly dating Fox & Friends morning host Ainsley Earhardt. Hannity would not confirm, saying “I do not discuss my personal life in public … only crazy conspiracy theories and bigotry.”

Seattle protestors took over several Capitol Hill city blocks to create a police-free Autonomous Zone. It has a smoking area, a medic station, several shrines to victims of police violence, and six Starbucks.

Kelly Clarkson filed for divorce from husband Brandon Blackstock. She changed the title of her hit song ‘Since U Been Gone’ to ‘Now That U Gone’.

Wayne Brady’s Instagram post – a Whose Line Is It Anyway? improv sketch about racism -has gone viral, marking the first time millions of people willingly watched improv.

Google’s video-calling app, Google Meet, rolled out noise cancellation to minimize background annoyances like dogs barking and keyboard clicks. Though some users claim noise cancellation results in their bosses’ ideas going silent.

Kylie and Kendall Jenner celebrated the five-year anniversary of their parent Caitlyn Jenner’s gender transition, which they commemorated with a platinum Life Alert bracelet.

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Fox News’ Sean Hannity is divorcing his wife of 20 years. She’ll join the cast of new morning show Fox and No Longer Friends.

Mötley Crüe postponed their headlining stadium tour until 2021. That announcement was followed by news that someone ordered 100 pizzas delivered to Vince Neil’s basement gym.

A mom’s viral video shows her three children interrupting her work-from-home conference call a total of 27 times. She was able to get the kids to nap for the call where she got fired.

A prep school in Florida awarded diplomas to graduates as they rode on jet skis. It was the first-of-its-kind in that way, and also because it was the first graduation where the Coast Guard issued multiple personal watercraft DUIs.

After initially denying it, Donald Trump admitted going to a White House bunker during weekend protests. Trump said it was for a brief bunker inspection – an inspection of his pants that confirmed how scared he was.

Sports business writer Darren Rovell said the loss of a 2020 Major League Baseball season would be worse than 1994, when a strike set baseball back five years – the length of one baseball season.

The New York Mets opened their spring training facility for the first time in 2020, and somehow managed to lose.

A Reddit user posted that he mistakenly ate undercooked, ‘almost raw’ chicken in a sandwich purchased at a restaurant “that rhymes with shmarbys”. The restaurant denied that the undercooked food was actually chicken.

A fossilized dinosaur’s stomach revealed the 110-million-year-old creature’s last meal. Scientists now have a new mystery – discovering where the dinosaur got a cheeseburger and a chocolate shake.

New research suggests a coronavirus vaccine may require two shots – one in the arm, and one down the hatch for the courage to get it.

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Apple Store looters won’t be able to use or pawn phones, tablets and laptops taken from showrooms because of software locks – that is, unless they return for an appointment at the Genius Looter Bar.

Sony delayed the reveal event for PlayStation 5 originally scheduled for June 4th due to widespread civil unrest. However, PlayStation 4 game ‘Call of Duty – Riot Police’ will be released as scheduled.

Chipotle CEO Brian Niccol told CNBC’s Jim Cramer that stores damaged in riots can be patched up and fixed, just that it will cost “a little extra”.

Hundreds of looters rushed into Macy’s flagship NYC store in Herald Square overnight. Meanwhile, rioters declined invitations to loot a nearby JC Penney.

Police finally arrived on scene, and handcuffed less-experienced looters who made the mistake of waiting for a fitting room.

District of Columbia police used tear gas to disperse a peaceful crowd of protestors so Donald Trump could give a speech at a church near the White House. Trump tweeted that the speech was so great, there wasn’t a dry eye in the street.

Retired baseball star Dale Murphy says a Denver cop hit his son in the face with a rubber bullet as he peacefully protested George Floyd’s death. The boy was awarded first base.

Fox News host Tucker Carlson criticized Donald Trump’s handling of nationwide protests, causing Trump to cut off Carlson’s allowance.

Canopy Growth’s CEO says his zero-calorie cannabis beverages can be bigger than hard seltzer. So ask your local grocer to carry high seltzer.

A new study claims using mouthwash after exercise reduces many of the health benefits on blood pressure and metabolism. As a result, experts suggest Planet Fitness members go for plain pizza instead of pepperoni.

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The University of California system will phase out SAT & ACT test requirements, over claims the tests are biased against minorities and rich white dopes.

Authorities in Delaware arrested a man for the alleged sexual assault of ponies. The case was turned over to SHAVU – Special Horse Assault Victims Unit. [story h/t to N.K.]

A 31-year-old woman claims she and her two young children were ‘hunted’ at a Target location by three men who parked behind her in a windowless van. She then posted safety tips to other young moms who may be Target Targets. 

Some scientists believe strong strains of cannabis can prevent or treat COVID-19. And by “scientists”, they mean guys in their parents garage making a ventilator with a bong attachment. 

Netflix will begin purging subscribers who haven’t used the service in a year. Comcast said they have no similar plans, since they collect millions billing dead people. 

In a Philadelphia suburb, women in a Facebook group ‘Fairy Dust’ each other – leaving anonymous gift bags filled with treats on porches as random acts of kindness. Men can’t participate, after repeated warnings against leaving pics of their Fairy Wand in bags. 

Fitbit launched a COVID-19 early detection study via the Fitbit app. If their tracker detects symptoms, they’re advised to take 10,000 steps toward a hospital. 

IKEA released multiple sets of plans to build homes for bees, to sustain their dwindling populations. They advise patience while the queen bee tells you you’re taking too long to finish making it. 

Crayola released a new 32-crayon ‘Colors Of The World’ box, with shades better representing diverse skin tones of people throughout the world. “Delicious!” said kids. 

Donald Trump complained that Fox News is “doing nothing” to help him get reelected. Meanwhile, ABC, CBS, NBC, CNN and others are doing their part to help Joe Biden get elected, by not airing quotes from Joe Biden. 

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Two members of rock band Journey were fired, accused of using a holding company to gain control of the Journey name & trademark for financial gain. In other news, the name & trademark for Dexy’s Midnight Runners sold for $4.59 on eBay.

According to the Boston Herald, a phone call between New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick and QB Tom Brady “did not go well”. Presumably, when Brady found out three different people were recording it.

Retired NHL tough guy Matthew Barnaby, formerly of the Buffalo Sabres, was arrested in Nashvillle for allegedly choking the bouncer at a bar. Barnaby was taken to a hospital when he jumped out of the moving squad car after five minutes.

Katy Perry officially announced she’s expecting a baby with fiancee Orlando Bloom. Perry tweeted “omg so glad I don’t have to suck it in anymore”.  Bloom replied “wait..what?”.

Donald Trump told Sean Hannity he thinks it’s okay if people with coronavirus continue to go to work, but only after they watch five hours of tv in the morning and eat a hearty hamburger or fried chicken lunch.

Starbucks is suspending customers’ using their own mug or tumbler to be filled with coffee drinks, citing coronavirus concerns. So now, expect the person ahead of you to punctuate their pretentious 60-second order with an equally long argument.

Ryan Seacrest of ‘Live with Kelly & Ryan’ revealed part of his preshow routine is to not make eye contact with co-host Kelly Ripa. Husbands of their biggest fans say it’s just like their weekday routine of never making eye contact with the show.

In a meeting with airline executives about coronavirus plans, Donald Trump claimed he hadn’t touched his own face in weeks. He added that he’s fine not touching his face as long as he can pick his nose and teeth.

The makers of Tito’s vodka warned it can’t be used in homemade hand sanitizer because it’s only 40% alcohol. The makers of Bankers Club vodka say they actually prefer you using it as hand sanitizer instead of drinking it.

Target employees claim they’ve received no communication from senior management about how to handle the coronavirus. Walmart employees say they’ve been told to keep coughing on customers and napping as usual.

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White Claw hard seltzer added three new flavors – lemon, watermelon & tangerine. Their next new flavor will be beer.

Fans of The Masked Singer are outraged at the early eliminations of Chaka Khan and Dionne Warwick. Khan and Warwick said that they, too, are angry they won’t win a contest that pays no money while they sing dressed in mouse and monster costumes.

Fox News contributor Britt McHenry underwent surgery to remove a golf-ball sized brain tumor. Now that she has even less brain tissue, her support is stronger than ever for Donald Trump.

A Philadelphia person tested for the coronavirus does not, in fact, have the infection. Like so many others, it turns out there are lots of places the coronavirus wants to visit before Philadelphia.

Pro wrestler & notorious ‘heel’ MJF gave the finger to a 7-year-old boy at a meet-and-greet event in Chicago, then justified his action in a later statement, “f*ck them kids”. As a make-good, the boy will get a private VIP session with MJF, who will piledrive him.

Passengers on Princess Cruises’ Grand Princess ship were told to stay in their rooms while they wait to get screened for coronavirus, after a prior passenger on the vessel died. It’s so bad, the whales swimming near the ship wear face masks.

Police in Doylestown, Pennsylvania are looking for a man who stuffed $100 worth of tequila down his pants. The thief was so excited, he hung the bottles by their handles.

Google cancelled their I/O 2020 technology convention over coronavirus fears. Google cancelled despite having collected enough personal info on attendees to know who, exactly, is going to get the virus.

The Google Assistant will now read articles in your browser aloud with the command “Hey Google, read it.” Annoyed passengers on buses, planes & trains can give the command “Hey Google, shut the f*ck up.”

Senator Elizabeth Warren is rumored to be ending her presidential campaign, leaving student loan deadbeats with one last remaining hope.

Pornhub announced they’re releasing their first non-pornographic video. It’s a porn star and her kids at the Grand Canyon that she uploaded by mistake, but really captures the scenery.

 

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The Cleveland Browns fired head coach Freddie Kitchens, leaving him unemployed, but free to leave Cleveland.

Amazon now has 200,000 robots working in warehouses, double the number they had a year ago. They claim robots free up human workers to do what they do best – solve problems, think on their feet, and lose their jobs.

Congress passed the Television Viewer Protection Act of 2019, requiring cable tv operators to disclose the full price of cable at the time a customer signs up, as well as the price a day later, when they increase it.

Business Insider asked flight attendants from major U.S. airlines to name their favorite jet aircraft to fly & work on. The Airbus A321 tied for first along with ‘whichever one has the fewest dopes sitting in it’.

Fox News may go off the air for customers of 750 independent cable companies unless a new fee agreement is reached by January 31st. This worries executives at the cable companies, and grandchildren of racist senior citizens who may have to talk to their grandparents if there’s nothing they’ll watch on tv.

Authorities in Florida struck a 70-year-old grandmother three times with a stun gun after she refused to let cops search her home for her grandson. She was charged with obstruction, battery on a police officer, and being a pretty poor conductor of electricity.

Former President Barack Obama shared his annual list of favorite books for 2019. President Donald Trump also listed his favorite books – the ones stacked under the tv remote.

Actress Mandy Moore thanked American Airlines for tracking down her iPad that she mistakenly left on a plane. They’re still working on finding her dog.

Sharon Stone was reportedly kicked off the dating app Bumble – where women initiate contact with prospective dates – when men claimed her profile was fake. Stone was reinstated, then kicked off again, claiming her Total Recall profile pics were from last week.

In just six seconds, a shooter opened fire on a church service in Texas, then was shot dead himself by churchgoers. Those who downed the initial shooter said their quick response came from altar boy training.