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Dating website Bumble cut 350 employees – but a least a woman got to decide who lost their job.

Colorado Rep. Lauren Boebert’s 18-year-old son Tyler Boebert was arrested and charged with five counts of felony theft. He’s scheduled to appear in court and announce his run for Congress.

Oprah is leaving WeightWatchers, according to her spokesperson and her bathroom scale.

A urologist posting on CNN said that healthy urine should be slightly tinted in color, but still “clear enough to read through”. Not surprisingly, no one else will use the iPad in his bathroom.

A Missouri couple was married in a hospital while the bride was in labor. They’re registered at the accounts receivable department of St. Luke’s General.

Wendy’s said their new variable pricing plan isn’t “surge pricing”, but rather a plan to offer discounts during slow periods. They say they’d rather sell almost-expired burgers because there’s only so much chili they can make in a day.

Adam Sandler said he’s starstruck by Taylor Swift, and that the singer “makes him nervous” — but not as nervous as talking to Taylor Swift and having Rob Schneider ask to to join them.

A new mammogram center in a Walmart diagnosed their first positive breast cancer case within weeks of opening. Other women were told they didn’t have breast cancer, so they asked for a raincheck.

Allison Tennyson, 34, was profiled by a news outlet because she claims her Ehlers-Danios Syndrome makes her allergic to both semen and condoms. Her boyfriend calls it kind of a bad news/good news situation.

A British mom lifted a slab in her backyard and discovered a 160-foot, underground World War II-era bomb shelter .. and her teenage son’s porn collection.

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Kentucky lawmaker Nick Wilson introduced a bill adding groping and other non-intercourse sexual activities to the classification of felony incest. He was sharply rebuked by Mississippi lawmakers, who classify those activities as ‘foreplay’.

Wilson’s bill was criticized for inadvertently seeking to legalize sex between first cousins in Kentucky. Other lawmakers wonder what the hell is going on with Wilson’s relatives, but still asked if he can invite them to his next family reunion.

A hospital greeter was arrested for a serial stabbing spree in New York City. He was charged with multiple counts of felony assault, and given a raise for drumming up business.

Donald Trump attended the funeral of his mother-in-law. She’ll be buried next to Trump’s ex-wife Ivana, at what will now be known as The 2nd Hole.

A new study finds that young students learn better utilizing paper versus screens. Hearing this, Apple introduced a $200 see-through sheet of paper for iPads.

Madonna was sued by two fans because her concert started two hours late and they had to work early the next morning. They’re seeking damages and lots and lots of attention.

Kelly Osbourne said her 2015 remark “If you kick every Latino out of the country, then who will clean your toilet, Donald Trump?” .. is ‘the worst thing she’s ever done’. Osbourne forgot she’s released three full-length record albums.

Taking a daily multivitamin can ward off cognitive decline from dementia for up to two years. After that, people just forget to take the vitamins.

Researchers explained why little dogs tend to outlive big dogs. Little dogs have a lower risk for cancer and bone-related illness, and bigger dogs have an easier time reaching the burgers and fries on the counter.

Crystal Hefner, widow of Playboy founder Hugh Hefner, claims in her new memoir he used so much Viagra that it caused him to go deaf in one ear. Crystal said Hugh always slept with the bad ear next to her in case she said “not tonight”.

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A Meet & Greet with Kyle Rittenhouse at the Venetian Hotel during the Las Vegas SHOT Show was cancelled, with the venue saying it didn’t “align with our core events guidelines”. That, and Rittenhouse shot three unarmed people wearing Black Lives Matter t-shirts in the lobby.

Chrisley Knows Best stars Todd and Julie Chrisley each reported to serve their prison sentences following their conviction for tax fraud. Todd said that he’s “closer to God than ever” – God, in this case, is what he calls his cellmate.

Microsoft plans to announce major layoffs. When? Zune.

Dallas Cowboys kicker Brett Maher missed four straight extra point attempts in the team’s playoff win, setting a record. They plan to stick with Maher, after teammates’ attempts to kick him off the team missed.

A 13-year-old girl led Nebraska State Police on a highway chase reaching speeds of 100mph before successfully intervening to stop the car. The 11-year-old boy in the passenger seat told cops that’s the last time he’s letting his wife drive.

Donald Trump’s 2024 presidential campaign requested that he be reinstated on Facebook. It’s not looking good, since Facebook replied ‘Interested’.

Massachusetts murder suspect Brian Walshe – accused in the killing of his wife – used his 6-year-old son’s iPad to search “how to stop a body from decomposing”. Cops also found a search for “why does my peepee hurt?” but the kid admitted that was his.

A Louisiana woman stabbed her boyfriend after he urinated in their bed after a night of heavy drinking. She expressed regret for her actions, because now there are two tough-to-get-out stains on the sheets.

TSA agents at San Antonio Airport seized an 84mm caliber anti-tank weapon from a passenger’s checked baggage. The passenger was detained, but subsequently arrested for carrying a 4-ounce bottle of shampoo in their carry-on.

A man in Washington state attempted to abduct a female barista by pulling her through the drive-thru window of a coffee shop. He failed, and was later arrested when he pulled back around to get the muffin he forgot.

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A North Carolina man surrendered a dog to a shelter because he thought it was gay. The dog regrets letting the man sniff his ass for ten minutes.

Cuoy Griffin, founder of ‘Cowboys for Trump’ was convicted at trial for breaching the Capitol in the January 6th riots. He’ll be sentenced once the jury is done rehearsing ‘Happy Trails’.

Boo, resident grizzly bear at Kicking Horse Mountain Resort animal preserve in British Columbia, Canada, emerged from his hibernation. Boo then grabbed an iPad and a couple magazines and went back into hibernation for another 45 minutes.

Three firefighters at a Virginia fire company welcomed newborn babies within hours of each other. One had a pregnant wife, the other two just picked up babies left outside the station house.

18 pounds of cocaine were found in a jet at Philadelphia International Airport – leading to a new speed record for airport workers unloading bags.

Florida now requires the completion of a ‘financial literacy’ course to graduate high school. The courses will be taught by drug & gun dealers who made millions after dropping out in 10th grade.

Police in Oldham, England responding to a call about an escaped tiger realized it was actually a large stuffed toy. The toy was returned to a little girl after cops finished removing 35 bullets.

Astronauts Raja Chari and Matthias Maurer spacewalked to install hoses and cables outside the International Space Station, then said they hoped that, one day, they could take a goddamn leisurely spacewalk without being asked to fix shit.

A man with ALS – Lou Gehrig’s Disease – is now able to communicate in full sentences after microchips were implanted in his brain. He was able to say “I don’t want anyone putting microchips in my brain”.

A trainer working with former NFL QB Colin Kaepernick claims multiple teams have inquired about speaking with him, asking when would be a good time to call and tell Kaepernick they’re not interested.

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A Colorado daycare owner was sentenced to six years in prison for hiding 26 children behind a wall in the facility’s basement. She also lost her contract with Apple to manufacture iPads.

Kellogg’s faces a $5 million lawsuit for not having enough strawberries in their Pop-Tarts filling. The lawsuit dates back several years, to when the five-year-old plaintiff first tried hiring a lawyer.

Wildlife officials in Colombia have begun chemically sterilizing “cocaine hippos” that once belonged to drug lord Pablo Escobar in his private zoo, because their mating is out of control, and because several zookeepers have died trying to apply giant condoms.

Brian Laundrie’s autopsy came back “inconclusive” for a cause of death. Laundrie’s body will reportedly be studied by an anthropologist, while police look for clues in Yelp! reviews left by alligators who ate at the Carlton Reserve where he was found.

Car rental agency Hertz says it will buy 100,000 Tesla electric cars as part of a plan to switch its entire fleet to electric vehicles, then gouge customers when they return to the airport late for their flight with the battery half-charged.

A Georgia business owner is accused of using $57,000 from an $80,00 federal pandemic relief loan to buy a Pokemon card – then using the remaining money to buy vintage Capri Suns to sip while playing.

The Facebook Papers – leaked documents from whistleblower Frances Haugen – are shedding light on Facebook’s role in the January 6th riots. Although Facebook denies this, saying Events always have thousands of people Interested who never show up.

Florida Governor Ron Desantis is offering $5,000 bonuses for anti-vax cops from other states to come work there. Further, he’s offering Democrats bonuses to move there and give the new hires someone to shoot at.

Flight attendants of defunct Italian airline Alitalia staged a public protest, stripping down to their undergarments to protest a loss of work. Alitalia flight attendants removing their clothes was, up until then, a perk only given to Platinum Elite passengers.

Burglars reportedly broke into Jeremy Piven’s Hollywood home, stealing clothes valued at $20,000 and his standup comedy notebooks, valued at nothing.

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Cris Galera, a Brazilian lingerie model, recently “married herself” outside of a Sao Paulo Catholic Church to preach a message of “self love”. And boy, were her hands tired the next day.

A Michigan man had six kidney beans removed from his urethra after shoving them in the end of his penis for sexual gratification. He’s now okay, but visiting friends refuse to eat his chili.

Afghan women are dressing in rainbow colors to express their displeasure with Afghanistan’s oppressive patriarchical rules. The Taliban calls the women’s futures “rainbow no-so-brite”.

SpaceX successfully launched the first all-civilian crew into orbit, where one argued about masks & the 2020 election, becoming the first civilian astronaut to be duct-taped to their seat.

Walmart is offering a $30 discount for preorders of the new ninth-generation iPad, but is also charging Walmart shoppers $30 if they want to learn how to charge it and turn it on.

Mobile messaging platform WhatsApp is testing a Yellow Pages-style business directory. Businesses won’t need to create a listing, because WhatsApp owner Facebook already stole all the information they need to make it.

Brian Laundrie, 23, is now a “person of interest” in the disappearance of fiance Gabby Petito, after she vanished during their cross-country road trip. Laundrie refuses to speak to police and hired a lawyer, who privately calls him a “guy who probably did it”.

Magician Dustin Tavella is the Season 16 winner of America’s Got Talent, beating out aerialists, comedians, singers and martial artists who got more talent.

Rapper Fat Joe is under fire for lyrics he used in a rap battle against Ja Rule, calling female rapper Lil Mo a “dusty bitch” that Ja Rule found in a crackhouse. Lil Mo objected to being called bitch & crackhead, saying her preferred nicknames are ‘shawty’ and ‘hoochie mama’.

British retailer Marks & Spencer blames the poor European economy and Brexit for its announced closure of 11 stores, in what they’re calling The Oh, Bother, This Is Dreadful News, Isn’t It? Store Closure Sale.

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The WNBA New York Liberty waived Layshia Clarendon, the league’s first trans & non-binary player. After being claimed off waivers, Clarendon now identifies as a Minnesota Lynx.

Fans have been banned for dumping popcorn, throwing a water bottle, and spitting on, players in Washington, Philadelphia and New York. The fans explained they behaved this way at NBA Playoff games because they couldn’t get NHL Playoff tickets.

Ben & Jerry’s still have not introduced their new CBD-infused ice cream. They say more consumer education is needed to keep people from trying to smoke it.

Kate Winslet said she told the director not to edit out her bulging belly during a sex scene in HBO series Mare Of Easttown. She also told the director not to listen to her male co-star, who asked for a 24-year-old body double for the scene.

Pope Francis has rewritten Catholic Church law regarding sexual abuse, insisting bishops take immediate action against priests who abuse minors and vulnerable adults. This replaces the Church’s existing ‘Twenty Strikes” rule for sex abuse.

China wants couples to have more kids. The government had restricted families to one child, but expanded that to three, saying all those iPhones and iPads aren’t going to build themselves.

World #2 tennis player Naomi Osaka withdrew from the French Open, citing anxiety and depression. Osaka plans to work through her faults.

UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson says he sees no evidence why England can’t reopen in June. Residents are excited to dine on terrible British food in restaurants so they don’t have to make it for themselves at home.

Tiger Woods said rehab from leg injuries suffered in a car crash is “more painful than anything I’ve ever experienced….including gonorrhea”.

A baseball player in the Dominican Republic was banned for life after attacking a home plate umpire with his bat and batting helmet. The player went 1-for-2, hitting the ump with the bat, but missing with the thrown helmet.

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Apple Store looters won’t be able to use or pawn phones, tablets and laptops taken from showrooms because of software locks – that is, unless they return for an appointment at the Genius Looter Bar.

Sony delayed the reveal event for PlayStation 5 originally scheduled for June 4th due to widespread civil unrest. However, PlayStation 4 game ‘Call of Duty – Riot Police’ will be released as scheduled.

Chipotle CEO Brian Niccol told CNBC’s Jim Cramer that stores damaged in riots can be patched up and fixed, just that it will cost “a little extra”.

Hundreds of looters rushed into Macy’s flagship NYC store in Herald Square overnight. Meanwhile, rioters declined invitations to loot a nearby JC Penney.

Police finally arrived on scene, and handcuffed less-experienced looters who made the mistake of waiting for a fitting room.

District of Columbia police used tear gas to disperse a peaceful crowd of protestors so Donald Trump could give a speech at a church near the White House. Trump tweeted that the speech was so great, there wasn’t a dry eye in the street.

Retired baseball star Dale Murphy says a Denver cop hit his son in the face with a rubber bullet as he peacefully protested George Floyd’s death. The boy was awarded first base.

Fox News host Tucker Carlson criticized Donald Trump’s handling of nationwide protests, causing Trump to cut off Carlson’s allowance.

Canopy Growth’s CEO says his zero-calorie cannabis beverages can be bigger than hard seltzer. So ask your local grocer to carry high seltzer.

A new study claims using mouthwash after exercise reduces many of the health benefits on blood pressure and metabolism. As a result, experts suggest Planet Fitness members go for plain pizza instead of pepperoni.

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The U.S. Army debuted a new ad campaign targeting Generation Z. It’s called  ‘Screw It, We’re Doing Fine Without You’.

Sources say Google is working on a secret program to collect health information from U.S. residents. They say until Google collects the information, the default setting for Americans health is “terrible”.

Google is reportedly planning to give slow-loading websites a “badge of shame” in its Chrome browser, and a lifetime achievement badge of shame to Comcast for throttling every website its internet service handles.

Government documents say Southwest Airlines is flying three dozen jets without certifying they comply with safety standards. Said a Southwest spokesperson “that’s because they don’t.”

Walmart and Target stores are reporting that popular toy ‘The Super Squishy Blob Ball’ is breaking and leaking. They haven’t seen this many swollen leaky balls since a gonorrhea outbreak at the company management retreat.

Pediatricians say children need simple toys, not iPads and electronics. Parents are advised to give their kid the iPad for a couple of hours to find themselves simple toys. [h/t to A.O. for the story]

Rudy Giuliani is reportedly considering hosting a podcast about the Congressional Impeachment proceedings. He’s looking for wealthy Ukrainian thugs with experience setting up a podcast studio.

Budweiser maker Anheuser-Busch InBev is in talks to buy the Kona Brewing Company. Budweiser plans to expand the Kona lineup with a new brew, just as soon as they learn  the correct Hawaiian word for ‘piss’.

South Carolina officials shut down Dominion Energy’s V.C. Summer nuclear reactor after a leak was discovered. Asked who discovered the leak, Dominion Energy said it’s a guy who’s going to be out of work for a while.

Disney+ is experiencing “unable to connect” errors on launch day. However for extra money, you can buy a Fast Pass to actually bypass the bottleneck and watch what you originally paid for.

 

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A child in New Jersey found heroin in his trick-or-treat bag after a party. Police estimated the street value of the heroin to be a dozen fun-size Snickers bars.

  • As for the child, he regrets confusing treat-givers by dressing as Kurt Cobain for Halloween.

Lebron James was forced to evacuate his Los Angeles area home due to wildfires. He then asked the fire chief to think about trading for better firefighters.

Philadelphia International Airport is hosting displays of zoo animals – ones from the Philadelphia Zoo, not the ones flying to Eagles road games.

An Indiana man has become a viral sensation for videos where he poses as ‘Halloween’ murderer Michael Myers. He’s the scariest white-faced Hoosier ghoul since Mike Pence was Governor.

iPhone and iPad users will be allowed to opt out from having humans listen to their questions to Siri. The human listeners hope more people opt out, too, so they don’t have to hear creeps ask about Siri’s underwear.

Amazon made home grocery delivery free for Prime members. So far there have been multiple reports of porch pirates stealing deliveries but leaving the broccoli.

Lori Loughlin and Mossimo Giannulli are reportedly “at the breaking point” and may plead guilty in the college admission scandal. They reconsidered when prosecutors added a third felony charge, causing the live studio audience to go “Oooooooh!!”

Seattle Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson dressed as Jay-Z for Halloween, and was immediately criticized for dressing in black-er-face.

Country singer & actor Tim McGraw said he lost 40 pounds when his then-11-year-old daughter said he looked “big” watching him in the film ‘Four Christmases’. McGraw thanked his daughter for being one of the few people who could sit through ‘Four Christmases’.

Bud Light honored viral ‘hero’ Jeff Adams, who took a home run ball to the chest at the World Series instead of dropping two Bud Lights. The brewer sent him to Game 6 and said he’ll receive Bud Lights “for life” – assuming he only drinks Bud Light, it’ll just be a couple more years.