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Ivanka Trump will be in Pyeongchang to lead the United States delegation during closing ceremonies of the Winter Olympics. After leaving South Korea she’ll visit underdeveloped Asian regions to see how they’re coming on her fall clothing line.

  • During the ceremonies, Ivanka will wear an old CCCP Soviet Union hockey jersey: Complicit Criminals Cooperating with the President.

Wonder Woman Gal Gadot will be a presenter for this year’s Academy Awards. As a bonus, before the show she’ll be on the red carpet lassoing Harvey Weinstein and other producers to get them to say the horrible things they’ve done.

President Trump advocated for teachers trained to carry firearms in the classroom to “get a little bit of a bonus.” Asked if the gun or ammo would qualify for a tax deduction, he said absolutely not.

Star of Mama June: From Not To Hot June Shannon, who’d recently lost 300 pounds, was rushed to a hospital for emergency eye surgery. Shannon experienced a detached retina, which popped off her eyeball when someone placed a Big Mac and fries in front of her.

President Trump looked at his hair on a television as he addressed the Conservative Political Action Conference, saying he “tries like hell to hide the bald spot.” And, like many of his other plans, it falls apart in a stiff breeze.

West Virginia school teachers launched a statewide walkout, canceling classes in all 55 counties, leaving behind all 50 students.

Missouri Governor Eric Greitens was charged with felony invasion of privacy for taking nude photos of his hairdresser and threatening to release them following their sexual affair.  Asked if he had any other nude images, he said no, just those Great Clips.

Mark Roberts, a male streaker with a monkey puppet covering his penis, jumped onto the Olympic speed skating oval and walked around for several minutes. His penis was never exposed, so afterward he met with French ice dancer Gabriella Papadakis to exchange wardrobe design tips.

Snapchat stock fell sharply after Kylie Jenner tweeted her dissatisfaction with the app’s redesign. Some executives called it an overreaction. “Kylie Jenner doesn’t like our products either, and we’re fine” said the CEOs of companies making shoelaces and birth control.

A new startup, Buttrcup, lets men & women post “non-pornographic” nude pictures of themselves and collect fees from users who subscribe to their feed. The founders say that Buttrcup is a great way for models to figure out that porn is where the real money is.

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Royal Caribbean cruise lines is raising its daily gratuity fee to $14.50 per passenger, per day, the third straight year it’s hiked the fee. Royal Caribbean cites increased costs of personnel and cat litter to throw on piles of puke.

Kia and Hyundai are adding Alexa-like assistant functionality to their cars starting in 2019. The automakers are taking two years to research Korean names that Americans won’t butcher each time they try saying them.

Elon Musk said that Tesla is working on an electric pickup truck. The news was confirmed after an image leaked of a decal on the Tesla truck prototype showing Calvin pissing on a gas pump.

The U.S. State Department is updating its travel warnings to a four-color-coded system for citizens planning travel to foreign countries. The safest countries will be blue, followed by yellow, orange, and Red for countries like North Korea or, if you’re the President, Puerto Rico.

According to data from Flurry Analytics, Apple devices accounted for 44% of new global tablet and smartphone activations over the holiday, and 95% of the new cracked screens.

Daryl Tait, a wheelchair-bound resident of Canada’s Yukon Territory, is behind a movement to add ocean surfing to the Summer Paralympic games. “Great idea” said sharks.

The World Health Organization is considering classifying video “gaming disorder” as a disease. A draft from the WHO characterizes it as “recurrent” gaming behavior with “impaired control over gaming”.  The disorder could include behavioral abnormalities as well as loss of multiple lives.

Recent east coast storms have covered Erie, Pennsylvania in 64 inches of snow – the height of an average adult female, and ten times as frigid.

International Falls, Minnesota set a new record of -36 degrees Fahrenheit on Wednesday morning. Local officials advised residents to stay indoors, to halve their odds of freezing to death.

  • The old record was -32 degrees set in 1924, which started a local tradition in International Falls, Minnesota – that being, getting the hell out of International Falls, Minnesota.

Sisters Ivanka and Tiffany Trump posed together in bikinis in a short Christmas video posted to Tiffany’s social media accounts. “Wow. Hot! Hope you share MORE (winking emoji)” posted anonymous commenter “realdjt45”.

 

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Ivanka Trump and IBM CEO Ginni Rometty visited Norwalk Early College Academy in Connecticut, a school that awards both a high school diploma and an associate’s degree in software engineering. Trump questioned the students, asking if any knew how to completely wipe emails off of a hard drive permanently.

Wormtown Brewery in Worcester, Massachusetts is rolling out DD Roasted Brew, a stout made using Dunkin Donuts Roast Coffee Beans.  Brewers recommend each pint be consumed with six packets of Splenda and extra cream.

A 29-year-old teacher at a Christian high school is charged with rape after allegedly having sex with a 15-year-old student. Her employer, Logos Christian Academy has not commented, except to say that they’ve cancelled the couple’s appearance as Mary & Joseph in the school Nativity Play.

Authorities in Virginia said that the two pit bulls who mauled their owner – a 22-year-old woman – to death were ‘a little bit neglected’… and ‘more than a little bit hungry’.

“Whatever” was named Americans’ least-favorite word for the seventh year in a row, according to an annual survey. Said the survey’s spokesperson: “It is what it is.”

E! News announced the resignation of longtime on-air host Catt Sadler. In a blog post, Sadler said she resigned because of salary inequity with a male host, who was being paid twice as much to ask “who are you wearing?”.

President Trump will soon sign a new tax reform bill, the most sweeping change to the U.S. tax code in decades. The law will cut corporate taxes from 35% to 21% and the highest individual bracket from 39% to 37%. Perhaps most importantly, it extends the audit of all of Trump’s tax returns for as long as he’s in office.

Chloe Kohanski won Season 13 of ‘The Voice’. She wins $100,000, a recording contract with Universal Music Group, and joins such past show champions-slash-household names as ….

McDonald’s will begin selling a McVegan burger in Europe, accompanied by a massive ad campaign touting “The taste will make you Grimace.”

  • The burger will also be offered to children as part of McDonald’s Europe-only ‘Ennui Meal’.

Cardinal Bernard Law died. Cardinal Law, who hid pedophile priests in the Boston diocese for decades, will still receive a full Vatican funeral. However, he will be buried wearing swim trunks beneath his robes in an effort to stay cool where he’s going.

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Major League Baseball’s Anaheim Angels put a football field in their stadium so the Philadelphia Eagles can practice there during their west coast road trip. To make the Eagles feel at home, the city of Anaheim bused in hundreds of homeless people to yell obscenities and vomit on each other.

McDonald’s is rolling out its new Dollar Menu in January. For the first time, Happy Meals will be discounted, offering much-needed to relief to unemployed cash-strapped toddlers.

According to a report in The Intercept, the White House is considering its own private spy network separate from the CIA. Fueling the reports, Ivanka Trump brand’s Chinese apparel factory is frantically churning out black capes and fedoras.

Netflix fired Danny Masterson from its show The Ranch following multiple allegations of rape filed against the star.  He begins work on his new show,  The Nevada Chicken Ranch, next week.

The International Olympic Committee will decide whether to ban Russia from the 2018 Winter Olympics as punishment for state-sponsored cover-up of doping, and because this month’s Russian bribe envelope was unusually light.

Accused sexual harasser Representative John Conyers announced that he’s planning to retire; then he will wake up and grope more women.

The world’s largest Starbucks – 30,000 square feet – will open Wednesday in Shanghai, promising customers all the tea.

Netflix is reportedly experimenting with interactive tv shows, allowing viewers to help direct the story. Netflix subscribers anxiously await their chance to kill off Winona Ryder.

The 709-carat ‘Peace Diamond’, owned by a village in Sierra Leone where it was found,  sold below appraised value for a disappointing $6.5 million at auction. Worse, the buyer’s girlfriend muttered “I guess it’s okay.”

Kroger is recalling bottles of purified water for babies because some bottles had mold growing in them. Kroger’s CEO is said to be angry with the move; since it’s purified mold, he doesn’t know what the big deal is.

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A ‘Women of NASA’ LEGO set will be released on November 1st.  Collectors are already demanding to know why Princess Leia isn’t included in it.

  • The hope is that the set will encourage more young women to pursue careers in STEM fields, or to get jobs stacking bricks.

Boston company Global Protection introduced myONE Perfect fit, a line of 60 custom-fit condoms offered in 10 different lengths and 9 different widths, all of which ship in foil packages labeled XXL.

  • Men interested in trying the product can download a kit to measure their penis, to ensure both proper fit and guaranteed disappointment in the result.

SeaWorld announced they’re laying off 350 workers. Employees arrived to find notes pinned to the tanks reading “Go, fish.”

Ivanka Trump contributes several paragraphs to her mother Ivana’s memoir Raising Trump, claiming that she went through a “punk phase”. As proof, Ivanka produced ticket stubs from a Jem and the Holograms concert.

Billy Joel’s wife is pregnant, answering critics who state he hasn’t come out with anything new in decades.

Google Maps removed a feature where walking distances were equated to the number of cupcake calories burned, after complaints that it would trigger those with eating disorders. Critics complained that the move was too politically correct, and that people with eating disorders are probably driving to get their cupcakes anyway.

Secret Service agents arrested a Kentucky man after he scaled the White House fence wearing a Pikachu costume. The incident inspired a new mobile game, Pokemon Freeze Or We’ll Blow Your Head Off.

Delta Airlines debuted its new Airbus A350 widebody jet on Tuesday in Atlanta, taking journalists on a 2p demonstration flight that left at 5p due to mechanical issues.

The National Retail Federation projects Halloween spending will hit a record high of $9.1 Billion this year. Spending on costumes projects at $3.4 Billion, candy at $2.7 Billion, and the rest spent on decorations, DUI lawyers, and pressure washers to clean houses that give out candy corn.

Florida Governor Rick Scott declared a state of emergency in advance of white supremacist Richard Spencer’s scheduled speech at the University of Florida in Gainesville. Spencer’s speech is a ticketed event, as opposed to most southern racism, which is general admission.

 

 

 

 

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Richard Thaler, professor at the University of Chicago, won the 2017 Nobel Prize in Economics for research into why people don’t make rational economic decisions. Thaler thanked the Nobel committee and his research subjects – broke losers who buy UFC & WWE pay-per-view.

Vice President Mike Pence and his wife briefly attended the Indianapolis Colts/San Francisco 49ers NFL game on Sunday, but then left after the national anthem because of player protests. Pence sent tweets explaining his actions, and ushers spent the rest of the game kicking drunk Hoosiers out of his seats.

  • It’s estimated that Pence’s trip cost U.S. taxpayers tens of thousands of dollars in travel, security and $12 stadium Coors Lights.

Sofia Vergara documented her mammogram on Instagram; the Facebook Live event drew millions but was cancelled when technicians couldn’t find a mammography machine big enough.

North Korea’s Kim Jong Un promoted his 28 year-old younger sister Kim Yo Yong to the country’s highest decision-making body, the Political Bureau. She said she hopes to adopt a Lean In policy — referring to ideas from her older sister, Lean In Yong.

  • Kim Jong Un said he got the idea for appointing his sister from Donald Trump’s appointment of Ivanka, while conceding the difference that Kim Yo is his sister, and Ivanka is Donald’s girl crush.

GOP Senator Bob Corker and President Trump traded jabs on Twitter, with Trump calling Corker a ‘negative voice’ in the Senate, and Corker calling the White House an ‘adult day care’.  The President was unavailable for comment during his nap after screening the My Little Pony Movie.

Actor James Woods denied that he’s retiring from acting, a statement confirmed by several 16 year-old girls he invited to audition with him in a new movie produced by Harvey Weinstein.

Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said that Dallas Cowboys players who ‘disrespect’ the flag during the national anthem will be benched — presumably, for kickoffs and extra points.

U.S. soccer star Alex Morgan apologized for her drunken incident at Disney World’s Epcot Center, where she and friends were escorted out of the park after a fight at the pavilion’s British pub. No municipal charges were filed, but Disney World lawmakers say that Morgan has been sentenced to three penalty kicks from Minnie Mouse.

A new story reveals that Angelina Jolie once offered to help capture fugitive Ugandan warlord Joseph Kony by joining him at dinner. The plan failed when Kony decided he’d rather eat somewhere else than Red Lobster.

Elon Musk announced that, due to delays in production in Tesla’s passenger vehicle line, he’s delayed production of Tesla’s planned semi truck. As a result, production has been halted on Burt Reynolds comeback movie, Smokey and the Electric Convoy.

 

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12 year-old ventriloquist Darci Lynne Farmer is the new champion of America’s Got Talent, succeeding last year’s champion, then-12 year-old ukulele-playing singer Grace Vanderwaal. Producers plan to rename the show ‘America’s Got A Thing For Preteen Girls’.

General Electric Corporation is getting rid of its corporate jets to cut costs. Execs will now have to charter a plane, fly commercial, or befriend a rapper.

Archaeologists have discovered 75 million year-old fossilized dinosaur poop – along with a chiseled note from a Cro-magnon man threatening violence if he finds it outside of his cave again.

  • The poop contained crustacean shells and rotting wood, forcing scientists to reconsider their belief that dinosaurs were herbivores — now concluding that some of them dined at Red Lobster.

Ivanka Trump, appearing on the Dr. Oz show, said she suffered from postpartum depression after giving birth to each of her three children. Ivanka said much of the depression came because of constant badgering from her father asking when she was getting her hot body back.

  • Responding to Ivanka’s revelation, Dr Oz asked her what postpartum depression is.

Apple said they’re working on a fix for the new Apple Watch Series 3, which sometimes fails to connect to cellular service while on unsecured wireless networks. Apple reiterated the important things are that they still get their money, and that purchasers still get to look like dorks talking to their watch like Dick Tracy.

To help fight the opioid epidemic, CVS Pharmacy said that it will limit new opioid prescriptions to a 7-day supply, but added that CVS ExtraCare loyalty card members will still get bottomless refills.

President Trump, speaking at a U.N. luncheon, referred to ‘Nambia’ — a non-existent African country — while praising its health care. A White House spokesperson acknowledged the mistake, saying the President was referring to Wakanda, and that he would personally apologize to the Nubian Prince T’Challa.

Melania Trump spoke out against bullying at the U.N. on Wednesday.  “Great speech” said Little Marco.

Rhode Island’s Governor said that the state will cover the $495 cost for DACA ‘Dreamers’ to extend their resident eligibility status, but that they’re on their own once they decide to wise up and leave Rhode Island.

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Millionaire Marc Bell, a former owner of Penthouse magazine, opened his mansion to 70 foster children displaced by Hurricane Irma. So far, the girls favorite activity is getting manicures, and the boys favorite activity is looking through Bell’s photo collection.

Pop star Selena Gomez revealed to fans that she received a kidney transplant in August from her friend, actress Francia Raisa. Taylor Swift quickly cranked out a diss track slamming Gomez’s failed kidney.

President Trump toured Naples and Ft. Myers Florida to view the damage from Hurricane Irma. The President told Floridians he would be there for them 100 percent, meaning he plans to move to Mar A Lago full time.

  • The President was joined by First Lady Melania, who created her own tragedy by wearing white pants after Labor Day.

Ivanka Trump told the Financial Times that the public has “unrealistic expectations” of how much she can influence her father, President Donald Trump; adding that to influence him, she’d actually have to want to be in the same room with him.

Some parts of the Florida Keys may be without power for a month. Impeachment proceedings have already started against the Mayor of Margaritaville.

A federal judge revoked Martin Shkreli’s bail after he offered a $5,000 bounty for anyone sending him a lock of Hillary Clinton’s hair. Reached for comment, Bill Clinton said he’s still waiting for his money.

A Silicon Valley CEO says that she dyed her blonde hair brown in order to be taken more seriously. She considers it a success, but her female coworkers think her long hair drags down her face.

A research study confirms that women have more keen olfactory senses, and are more bothered by objectionable smells than men. Bad news for husbands claiming ‘it wasn’t me’.

Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg told a women’s leadership conference that “men still run the world, and it’s not going that well.” Her boss, CEO Mark Zuckerberg asked what she meant and Sandberg replied “nothing”.

The U.S. Air Force states that over 20,000 ‘space junk’ objects threaten to collide and interfere with larger space craft such as the Hubble Telescope and major communications satellites. A solution is still years away, until NASA convinces astronauts to drive garbage trucks.

The Census Bureau reports that Philadelphia remains America’s “poorest big city”, with over 25% of residents living below the poverty line. It’s so bad, Philly residents can’t even save enough money to move to Detroit.

 

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Facebook is rolling out a YouTube-like video platform called ‘Watch’ – where users can see their privacy disappear.

The U.S. National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration confirmed that 2016 was the planet’s hottest year on record, citing global warming and an early-season El Nino. President Trump used the news to reinforce the need for a border wall, to keep El Nino out.

Trump plans to declare the Opioid Crisis a National Emergency – saying opioids are in a 3-way tie for Biggest Health Crisis, along with heroin and Obamacare.

Texas pastor Robert Jeffress, an evangelical advisor to President Trump, said that God has given Trump “full control” to “take out” North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. It’s hard to tell if the craziest part of that is God giving the green light to murder, or that Trump has an evangelical adviser.

A report claims President Trump has sent private messages to Russia Investigation Special Counsel Robert Mueller. Trump’s associates say the messages are ‘thank-you’s, but other messages are rumored to be:

  • Do you think Ivanka like-likes me? Yes/No/Maybe
  • Are you going to the next Trump Pep Rally?
  • Wanna come see a movie with me at The White House?

The U.S. has expelled two Cuban Ambassadors, following reports that several U.S. Ambassadors departed the American Embassy in Havana after experiencing severe hearing loss from a mysterious “sonic attack”. No further clarification was given, but the deafened U.S. Ambassadors hope they never hear Ricky Martin ever again.

WalMart apologized for an in-store sign that marketed guns as Back To School items. WalMart acknowledged the error, saying the guns were meant to be part of a Halloween promotion.

  • The sign above the guns read “Own The School Like a Hero”. So the NRA bought the guns and donated them to teachers.

Consumer Reports has pulled its ‘Recommended’ status from Microsoft Surface laptops, citing poor reliability compared to other brands. Microsoft attempted to reach Consumer Reports for further clarification, but kept getting error messages they didn’t understand.

A man rushed the stage at Britney Spears’ Las Vegas show, but was subdued and handcuffed by security. Britney had just started singing her hit ‘Crazy’, and the man thought that was his cue.

Former NFL player Ryan O’Callaghan, who came out as gay in June, is advocating for marijuana use by current players, saying it would be a ‘godsend’. Commissioner Roger Goodell said that not even God sends anything to NFL players without his approval.

Ryan Graves – a Senior VP and Uber’s first corporate employee – announced that he’s resigning, and that he’s taking a taxi home.

O.J. Simpson’s former agent is selling the white Ford Bronco from the infamous police chase. He purchased the car from Al ‘A.C.’ Cowlings. The car runs well, but there’s no A.C.