By |

Subway sandwich shops may be selling fake tuna fish, after a testing lab could not confirm the species of fish being sold as tuna. Apparently, tuna are just like millions of sandwich-loving Americans who wouldn’t be caught dead inside Subway.

White House First Dog Champ Biden passed away over the weekend. Surviving First Dog, Major Biden, asked for privacy during this difficult time so he could lick his own testicles.

Father of Kourtney Kardashian’s three children and legendary douche Scott Disick appeared on the Keeping Up With the Kardashians Reunion to answer why, at age 38, he’s dating a 20-year-old. Said Disick “because I can”.

Sprinter Usain Bolt and girlfriend Kasi Bennett welcomed twins, Saint and Thunder, who join older sibling Olympia Lightning. Usain & Kasi are unsure whether they’ll have more kids, or whether Bolt will disable his nuts.

Laurel Hubbard, a 43-year-old transgender female, will compete on New Zealand’s Olympic weightlifting team in Tokyo. Hubbard, who transitioned in 2013, wants to prove something to everyone who thought she didn’t have the balls.

Amazon kicked off its annual Prime Days sale. Competitors are creating their own online shopping events, with Target launching Deal Days, and Walmart holding their Hooray You Don’t Have To Actually Set Foot In Walmart sale.

The Supreme Court ruled against the NCAA, opening the door for student-athletes to receive “education-related compensation”. Football & basketball coaches immediately started interviewing academic tutors who are also exotic dancers.

American Airlines is reportedly cancelling flights because of a labor shortage. They say additional workers are needed. or else passengers will wait up to three hours for checked bags instead of the traditional 90 minutes.

Sesame Street introduced a gay couple for the first time. “Introduced? We’ve been here 40 goddamned years!” said Bert & Ernie.

Protesters at the Palm Springs unveiling of a 26-foot-tall statue of Marilyn Monroe, claimed it’s exploitative because it shows Monroe’s underwear, recreating a scene from The Seven-Year Itch. They also claim it’s unnecessary to have a statue of John F. Kennedy next to it, staring up her skirt.

By |

A woman who’d just had her eyelashes done was attacked by the beautician’s pet chihuahua, who tore off the woman’s eyelid. The victim said it happened quickly, in what would have been the blink of an eye.

A judge in Dr Dre’s divorce case just declared Dre officially single – or, as it’s known in legal terminology, Pimp.

The largest-ever peer-reviewed study of food-induced inflammation was just completed, after researchers were able to acquire 2,000 buckets of KFC.

A same-sex female couple at Pennridge High School in Pennsylvania became the first in the state to be crowned as two prom queens – though their titles are being contested by the gay male couple that finished second.

Ticks carrying Lyme disease have been found on California beaches. They differ from East Coast woodland ticks because of their four-legged board shorts.

Two U.S. passengers on the Celebrity Millenium – the first major sea cruise since the pandemic shut down the cruise industry – were put in isolation after their norovirus vomit tested positive for COVID-19.

CNN legal analyst Jeffrey Toobin returned to the network, following an 8 month suspension for masturbating during a Zoom call with other journalists. Toobin will soon take a brief paternity leave once his pregnant mouse pad gives birth.

E! aired the series finale of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, marking the last you’ll see of them for a couple minutes.

The Consumer Price Index rose by the highest margins since the Great Recession. It’s so severe, Atlantic City hookers raised prices 50%, to $7.50.

Donald Trump used the Department of Justice to seize information from Congressional Democrat’s iPhones because he suspected they were leaking sensitive information – and because he thought there may be pics of their wives or girlfrends.

By |

Ellen Degeneres is buying back a six-acre California ranch she’d sold in 2018. Once her talk show ends in 2022, she plans to move to the ranch and bully horses instead of her staff.

Kardashian-adjacent doofus Scott Disick threw himself a 38th birthday party, where his 19-year-old girlfriend gave him a new Harley Davidson motorcycle. It was one of the two things he wanted, the other being a 17-year-old girlfriend.

Actor Timothee Chalamet has reportedly been cast in a film detailing Willy Wonka’s origin story, ‘The Kid Who Likes Chocolate, But Only If It’s Made By Enslaved Little People’.

Lindsay Lohan will star in a new romantic comedy for Netflix. It’s the first film in a new distribution model, where new Netflix movies premiere two weeks earlier in a $1.00 bin at Walgreens checkout counters.

Texas lawmakers approved allowing people to carry handguns without a license, background check or training. Vegas oddsmakers now predict the Dallas Cowboys & Houston Texans will each win all of their home games.

Anna Duggar – pregnant with her seventh child – is “standing by” husband Josh, who’s accused of possessing child pornography, after admitting to cheating on her. Because good men are hard to find in Arkansas.

‘Friends’ alum Matthew Perry is selling COVID-related t-shirts with a version of his character’s catchphrase “Could I BE any more vaccinated?” Then after COVID he has one for himself reading ‘Could I BE any more medicated?’

American Idol crowned its latest champion – whose best shot at fame is probably getting picked to wear a chicken costume on The Masked Singer.

The body of a man missing in Barcelona, Spain was found inside the leg of a stegosaurus statue. Officials were surprised, because the stegosaurus is an herbivore.

Elliot Page posted his first topless photo since declaring they are a trans male. Ironically, he’s now working on ways to make his chest bigger.

By |

Actress Leah Remini, 50, shared her acceptance letter into a general studies program at NYU. Her ‘King Of Queens’ costar, Kevin James, shared the letter adding him to the waitlist at Strayer University.

Amazon is shutting down its Prime Now service, and moving its “ultrafast” premium deliveries to its regular Prime. So go ahead and order those necessities that you absolutely have to have in about five days.

Kylie Jenner and baby-daddy Travis Scott announced they’re back together as a couple, but in an ‘open relationship’ – also known as Parents With Benefits.

Kim Kardashian revealed on ‘Keeping Up With The Kardashians’ that her daughter, Saint, had COVID-19, which surprised Kim because Saint wears an avocado mask most mornings.

Oprah Winfrey and Prince Harry debuted their new Apple+ show, ‘The Me You Can’t See’ – where celebrities discuss mental health challenges and traumas that can only be properly addressed by a guy born into royal wealth and a billionaire.

The driver of a Japanese bullet train is in trouble for taking a three minute bathroom break while the train traveled at 90 mph with 160 passengers on board. He said he only did so after trying to piss out a window, but it kept blowing back onto him.

A new Utah law mandates autism awareness training for police officers. Cops are now required to identify non-violent suspects as autistic before shooting and pummeling them.

Investigators added a new name to the subpoena in the probe of Congressman Matt Gaetz. However, for privacy purposes, the person is only identified as ‘Knockers’.

A future bride’s demands to her bridesmaids – including dropping dress sizes to at least a size 8, and donating $500 for the honeymoon – went viral. The groomsmen only demanded that the bridesmaids drop their dresses after the reception.

A judge in Spain refused to marry a couple when the groom arrived for the ceremony wearing a Jack Sparrow costume. And because he was drunk. And Johnny Depp.

By |

E! Network is ending ‘Keeping Up With The Kardashians’. NBA TV might pick it up, but then dump it once they get bored.

An Austrian man set a new record for spending over 2 1/2 hours in an ice bath – then spending 6 hours trying to coax his penis back outside of his body.

A shopping mall in King Of Prussia, Pennsylvania opened a COVID-19 boutique. Masks are required for everyone entering the store to shoplift masks.

#BoycottMulan is trending on Twitter, and with people who don’t have $30.

A drug administered to mice in outer space not only halted muscle and bone loss from zero gravity, it actually grew muscle mass. However, the mice stopped doing experiments and spent all their time oiling each other up and posing in the mirror.

Google launched operating system Android 11. Sadly, for the previous Android, being a 10 still wasn’t good enough.

Drugmaker Astra Zeneca halted human trials of its COVID-19 vaccine after one of the participants experienced an “unexpected illness” – which is what they call “death” during human vaccine trials.

NASA researchers discovered rust on the Moon. Apparently the Lunar Rover that’s been there since 1971 hasn’t been washed too often.

Dr. Dre’s wife Nicole wants him deposed for their divorce proceeding. “Why would she want me gettin’ deep hos?” asked Dre.

Tiger King’s Joe Exotic wrote a lengthy letter to Donald Trump asking to be pardoned because he claimed he’s been sexually assaulted in prison. Guards said that may be true, but only because Joe Exotic paid the guy a carton of cigarettes.

By |

Kim Kardashian West said on ‘Keeping Up With the Kardashians’ that she was on ecstasy when she made her infamous sex tape. Her sex tape co-star, Ray J, was also on ecstasy that day — a stripper named Ecstasy. 

British researchers published a study claiming that increased use of self-driving cars could lead to more sex on the road — making Uber rides even more dangerous for women when the drivers don’t have to worry about steering. 

Rihanna’s fans were upset by singer Chris Brown – who’d been charged with felony assault for hitting her 10 years ago – commenting on Rihanna’s sexy topless Instagram photo. He posted an ‘eyes wide open’ emoji after deleting his original comment ‘can’t beat that!’

New Jersey police removed a man from Cheerleaders strip club in Gloucester City after he bought $150 in lap dances despite having only $11 cash — ten loose dimes and a roll of quarters that bruised one of the dancers.

General Motors announced it’s closing four manufacturing plants and terminating 15% of salaried executives to generate $6 billion in cash flow. Shares of GM rose 5% on the news; Christmas lists of GM workers’ kids were slashed 40%. 

The Washington Post reports President Trump is now focused on the ballooning federal deficit – deepening in large part due to his tax cuts – and ways to fix it. Aides say his top idea is to declare bankruptcy, close the U.S.A. and reopen under a new name. 

A husky dog missing from its home in Brooklyn, New York for 18 months was found outside of Tampa, Florida and will be returned home. The dog is just happy to get our of Florida, but is happy he got the opportunity to vote while he was there. 

The U.S. Postal Service confirmed that they exposed the data of over 60 million users. Hackers, however, are having difficulty monetizing the names and addresses of old people mailing birthday & sympathy cards. 

Hospitals in China are denying they delivered the first gene-edited babies, after reports of their birth surfaced from MIT and the Associated Press. “These are just your ordinary, run-of-the-mill, blue-eyed blond haired Chinese babies” said a hospital exec. 

Smash hit video game Red Dead Redemption 2 is launching its online multiplayer game in beta. Players can now shoot other cowboys in the Old West, or, if that doesn’t work, they can move to Florida and shoot whatever they want. 

By |

Passengers on Jet Airways Flight 697 from Mumbai to Jaipur, India, started bleeding from their nose and ears mid-flight because the flight crew forgot to pressurize the cabin, and because many of them were sitting next to babies that had eaten spicy Indian food.

Facebook launched Facebook Dating in Colombia, making it much easier to find a boyfriend who can score you some cocaine.

Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein resigned following a New York Times story stating he discussed taping President Trump or having him removed from office for incompetence. Rosenstein, who oversees Special Counsel Robert Mueller, is expected to be replaced by The Apprentice champion Bret Michaels of Poison.

LinkedIn published an article entitled ‘How Robots Are Hiring Job Candidates’. The answer, of course, is by identifying attractive candidates who like to have sex with robots.

A second woman has accused Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh of sexual assault, turning his #MeToo problem into a #MeThree problem.

Bill Cosby will be sentenced this week for his sexual assault conviction, and his sentence will be repeated in about six or seven weeks.

An Australian mother watched in horror as an eastern brown snake – one of the most lethally venomous land snakes in the world – slithered through a window and into her baby’s crib. The baby wasn’t in the crib at the time, and the snake was safely captured and removed, but only after hearing ‘Goodnight Moon’ three times.

Congress is expected to pass a sweeping bill to regulate the U.S. aviation industry, including making it illegal to bump & remove passengers who have already boarded an overbooked flight. The news was welcomed by frequent fliers, but disappointing to United Airlines’ newly-hired bouncers.

Cody Wilson, the firearms activist who controversially issued plans for untraceable 3D-printed guns, was arrested on charges of paying for sex with an underage woman. Prosecutors charged him with statutory sexual assault and submitted their evidence, including a 3D-printed condom.

On  a new ‘Keeping Up With the Kardashians’, Kris Jenner said that she was the one who pulled her granddaughter, Stormi, from Kylie Jenner during birth. Kris was able to remove the newborn with one hand, and get Stormi’s footprint on a personal services contract with the other.

SiriusXM is buying streaming service Pandora for $3.5 billion, but has yet to announce to Pandora users how many skips they’ll get.

 

By |

Wells Fargo bank expects to cut 26,500 jobs over the next three years. Execs think that’s the right number, but they can’t be sure how many employees are fakes made up by other employees to open bogus checking accounts.

Increased cases of a rare eye infection have been reported among contact lens wearers in the U.K. Acanthamoeba keratitis, infection of the cornea, has tripled since 2011. Health officials say they’ve been slow to identify the trend because everyone there has foggy vision.

In a new episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, daughter Kourtney slams her mother, Kris Jenner, for cheating on her father when she was a kid – wondering why she would even bother having an affair if she didn’t have a tv show yet to cash in on it.

Halloween costume company Yandy removed a sexy “brave red maiden” costume from its site. The outfit is similar to those worn by women forced into sexual surrogacy in The Handmaid’s Tale. Yandy stopped selling the costume and said customers ordering it will be able to substitute its “sexy textile sweatshop worker” outfit for free.

President Trump, tweeting in regard to Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh’s alleged sexual assault on Christine Blasey Ford, wrote that if the attack was ‘as bad as she says’ charges would have been filed….adding “and I know a thing or two about this stuff.”

A Michigan mother was arrested and held for two hours when she confiscated her daughter’s iPhone as punishment.  An Apple spokesperson said she could have avoided being jailed if she’d followed advice in the Tips app.

Apple created a microsite where you can use your current mobile phone’s browser to look at a 3D model of the new iPhone XS. It’s so lifelike, if you drop your phone, the screen of the virtual XS breaks and you’re charged $49 to open your browser again.

The Cleveland Browns won a football game for the first time in nearly two years – and, by doing so, unlocked thousands of free Bud Light beers around the city for fans. Because the game ended so late, some of the beers were set aside to be enjoyed at Cleveland-area day care centers before nap time.

According to the World Health Organization, 1 in every 20 global deaths are attributable to alcohol consumption. They presented the findings in a new report entitled “Dilly Dilly”.

A study published in the Journal of Physical Activity and Health found that the most dangerous, injury-inducing, type of dance is in Zumba classes. The study cited some cases of women injuring their feet, and other cases of women being shot by men forced to go with them to Zumba.

 

By |

The Boy Scouts of America are planning to change their name to ‘Scouts BSA’ with girls now allowed to join. Scouts BSA beat out other potential new names including ‘Uniscouts’; ‘Panscoutual’, and ‘United Bullying Victims’.

A GoFundMe campaign raised $20,000 so that a 104-year-old man can fly from Australia to Switzerland to end his life via assisted suicide. In addition to the money, the campaign message board was flooded with ideas on how to do it much cheaper than $20,000.

President Trump tweeted that Robert Mueller’s investigation is interfering with his ability to do his job, saying that discussion of the Russia probe is keeping Fox & Friends hosts from telling him where he should meet Kim Jong Un.

Kanye West said that black slavery is “a choice” – apparently referring to his and black athletes’ repeated appearances on Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

Ford Motor Company filed a patent for a minivan designed to carry a motorcycle that can pop out of it. They plan to sell it to emasculated dads so they can hop on the motorcycle and chase down the people in fun cars who insult them on the highway.

Lyft pledged $1.5 million in free rides to low-income people, so that attractive poor women can be sexually harassed.

Iowa passed the most restrictive abortion law in the country, dealing a crippling blow to sexually active teenagers, who can’t believe this happened in such an amazing place to live.

A Detroit-area Catholic high school has scrapped plans to hand out “modesty ponchos” to prom-goers whose dresses are deemed too revealing. Instead, they’ll follow standard Detroit prom tradition and hand out condoms & riot gear.

Yale University revoked Bill Cosby’s honorary degree, following similar actions by Temple, University of Pennsylvania, Marquette, Brown, Fordham, Carnegie Mellon and Notre Dame.  “I’ve lost more degrees than the body temperature of a dead hooker!” Cosby said, proving he’s still got it.

The CEO of Xerox resigned. The replacement will be named after someone opens Door 1 and clears out a jam of candidates.

Southwest Airlines flight 957 from Chicago to Newark made an emergency landing in Cleveland after a window broke. “Now I’ll never see the Grand Canyon!” said the drunk passenger in seat 14F.

The E.coli outbreak tied to romaine lettuce has killed its first victim. The California resident, who remains unidentified, thought they would remain healthy by ordering the dressing on the side.

By |

New research from the University of Bristol confirms that plants colonized Earth 100 million years earlier than originally thought. The findings were based off of crude cave drawings depicting early man smoking plants, coupled with terrible poetry and song lyrics written on cave walls after they smoked.

Danica Patrick was involved in a six-car pileup that prevented her from finishing the Daytona 500. It happened in an Ulta parking lot.

Defense Secretary James Mattis is expected to release his new policy on transgender troops in the military, to coincide with the kickoff of Armed Forces Fashion Week.

Juul – a new vaping device whose pods deliver as much nicotine as a full pack of cigarettes – is under scrutiny from lawmakers. Pods come in flavors such as creme brulee, mango and fruit medley, raising concern that Juul is targeting children. Execs denied that claim at a press conference to introduce new Cap’n Crunch Juul pods.

A flight from Dubai to Amsterdam was forced to make an emergency landing when a fight broke out among passengers bothered by a fellow passenger’s nonstop farting. The angry passengers were unable to move, because rectal turbulence forced the captain to keep the fasten-seatbelt light on.

Daytona 500 champion Austin Dillon commemorated his victory by getting a tattoo on his buttocks. Since it was a NASCAR event, he had his choice of 20 places to get it done without leaving the track.

The Olympic Broadcasting Service (OBS) is being criticized for airing a replay of French ice dancer Gabriella Papadakis’ routine, where her top broke and exposed her breast and nipple. OBS defended their decision, saying Papadakis’ performance is the highest-rated tv show in North Korean history.

Kourtney Kardashian revealed that she weighs just 98 pounds – a detail shared in a deleted scene of E!’s ‘Keeping Up With the Kardashians’, where Kourtney sits on one end of a seesaw, while sister Kim sits on the other end and sends Kourtney to the hospital.

Michelle Obama tweeted congratulations to the makers of ‘Black Panther’ after seeing the film, writing “because of you, young people will finally see superheroes that look like them on the big screen.” Her message was received with confusion by young, white Amazon girls.

The White House said that President Trump will participate in a pair of “listening sessions” on school safety this week — one with NRA lobbyists, and another with students at the Professional Golf Association Tour School.