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The FDA approved Ubrelvy,  the first-of-its-kind drug that promises immediate symptom relief for migraines. Unfortunately, it doesn’t also put her in the mood.

A foreclosed 10-bedroom mansion in Auburn, New York was being offered by the city for just $50,000. However, buyers had to submit a full restoration plan as part of the purchase. The city started evaluating bids by eliminating restoration plans that started with dynamite.

Tesla will start delivery of its first Model 3 electric cars made in China. So far the number one requested option is removal of the large Made in China sticker on the trunk.

Thousands of unsold cut Christmas trees are repurposed after the holidays, used on beaches to limit sand erosion and eaten by goats or other livestock. One problem, however, is keeping the tree-eating livestock from being swept to sea at high tide.

The FDA officially raised the minimum age to buy tobacco products from 18 to 21. The shift has already caused one 19-year-old to lose his job as the Young Marlboro Man.

Nike’s Colin Kaepernick ‘True to 7’ sneaker sold out within minutes of being listed for sale in the Nike app. The shoes are expected to become sought-after collector’s items, or the official footwear of people who can’t get a job.

January’s Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas is expected to be a huge showcase for the Google Assistant. Google will showcase the utility of the Assistant in Las Vegas, as thousands of visitors ask “Hey Google, where can I get drugs and hookers?”

Russia is reportedly in the final stages of building its own self-contained Internet. They plan to test its effectiveness by seeing how well it can screw up local elections.

A woman traveling with an abusive man was aided by McDonald’s employees after she mouthed “help me” at the drive-thru window, alerting police who arrested him. The restaurant manager said they see several drive-thru customers say “help me” every day, but that they’re usually heart attacks or strokes.

Kylie Jenner was slammed on social media for giving her one-year-old daughter Stormi a diamond ring for Christmas, then posting a photo of her wearing it. She deleted that photo, and posted a different photo of the family looking for the ring after Stormi ate it.

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Actress Anna Faris said she’s “lucky to be alive” after she and her family were sickened from carbon monoxide poisoning at a Lake Tahoe rental home. She also said her career is “lucky to be alive” after co-starring in ‘The Hot Chick’ with Rob Schneider.

This week’s powerful winter storm deposited over a foot of snow in 25 different states. It dumped so much white stuff over so much of the U.S., they named the storm El Chapo.

Rainy weather and an early frost damaged Idaho’s potato crop to the point where there may be a french fry shortage. In that event, shipment priority for fries will be given to the McDonald’s closest to The White House.

Instagram account @PassengerShaming posted a photo of an American flight that allowed a pony in the cabin as a passenger’s support animal. Other passengers were outraged, as were flight attendants who were asked to help the horse take its shoes off.

Susan Weddle, a 40-year-old Florida teacher, is accused of having sex with her son’s 15-year-old friend ‘several hundred times’.  “Where does she find the TIME?!” asked other busy teachers who can only squeeze in sex with students once or twice a month.

The NHL New Jersey Devils fired head coach John Hynes following a 7-1 loss in Buffalo. Hynes offered no comment but is said to be relieved the Devils are not in his detail.

Exes Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck allegedly argued outside of her house the day after Thanksgiving. She prefers stuffing outside of the bird, and he demands stuffing in them.

NASA cameras spotted the site where India’s Moon Lander crashed two months ago. It was right next to India’s Moon Tow Truck.

Google Photos launched a new private messaging feature, where you can share a photo with another Google Photos user, then have an ongoing chat about your breasts or penis.

Police captured two of the four teenage boys who escaped from a Nashville juvenile detention facility. The others remain at large, and cops are preparing for a tense standoff outside of Dave & Busters.

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Experts say Philadelphia International Airport may be at risk of flooding from storm surges, based on its proximity to the Delaware River. Philly airport baggage handlers advise travelers to switch to waterproof luggage they can lose and steal.

Coca Cola is introducing AHA, caffeinated sparkling water. It’s a refreshing new way to energize your day with an elevated heart rate and headaches.

New York City Mayor Bill deBlasio faces criticism for a plan where criminals are issued Mets tickets as incentive to show up for court appearances. The criminals criticized the plan, saying they just wanted to show up to go to jail.

Tesla will unveil its ‘Cybertruck’ electric pickup truck on November 21st. It’s ready now, but they’re waiting on rear-window decals of Calvin pissing on a gas pump.

Two million pounds of chicken are being recalled. Whatever they call chicken at McDonald’s these days is not impacted.

Appearing at a Donald Trump rally, Louisiana Senator John Kennedy said of House Speaker Nancy Pelosi “it must suck to be that dumb”. Louisiana Trump supporters replied “oh, we know”.

Aventura Technologies is being investigated for selling surveillance equipment to the U.S. Government that was made in China, but labeled ‘Made in the USA’. It’s being called the biggest fraud bust in the United States since Dolly Parton. [..sorry..]

A report shows Marvel and Star Wars content is the most watched among trial users of new streaming service Disney+.  The least popular content is the Mickey Mouse Anti-Vaping videos.

Sexually transmitted diseases chlamydia, syphilis & gonorrhea have risen in the U.S. for the fifth straight year. The largest number of gonorrhea cases were found in Mississippi – doctors there say many patients don’t get it treated because they can’t spell it.

Oprah released her annual ‘Favorite Things’ list. Topping the list?…the money that companies pay her for putting their products on it.

A 51-year-old man was arrested for groping a Disney Princess at Disney World. The princess was shaken, but otherwise okay, although she said her seven dwarf friends do a lousy job protecting her.

 

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Melania Trump tweeted a photo holding a shovel to break ground on a new White House tennis pavilion, after consulting Joe Biden to see if he plays tennis.

  • It’s part of Melania’s ‘Be Best Backhand’ initiative.

Three male scientists shared the Nobel Prize for Chemistry for inventing lithium-ion batteries. They came up with the idea when their bored, disinterested wives were each spending $200 a month on Duracells for their vibrators.

Philadelphia City Schools are offering free head lice screenings to teachers and school nurses, though it’s expected that half the lice in Philly schools will just drop out.

Johnson & Johnson must pay $8 billion in damages for failing to warn users its antipsychotic drug, Risperdal, caused gynecomastia – a condition causing men to grow enlarged breasts. The judgment is being called the world’s most expensive boob job. [ Story & joke submitted & guest-written by reader J.O !! ]

McDonald’s launched a McRib Locator website to help customers find participating locations serving the sandwich, and to help families of dangerously obese people avoid them.

The Philadelphia Flyers opened a rage room, where hockey fans can pay to go in a room during games and break things.  The Philadelphia Philles say they considered it, but decided to let fans keep using their living rooms.

The New York City townhome where The Cars frontman Ric Ocasek passed away is back on the market, listed at $13.9 million – an amount his surviving wife Paulina Porizkova described as “just what I needed”.

Robert Downey Jr. told Howard Stern he doesn’t want an Oscar nomination for Avengers: Endgame, telling studio publicists “let’s not”. Downey said he was inspired by the late Jim Varney saying “let’s not” to an Oscar campaign for ‘Ernest Goes to Jail’.

New research spanning 70 years finds having a dog lowers your risk of dying by 24 percent. The study followed everyone except infants and toddlers living with pit bulls.

 

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Facebook announced Horizon, a virtual reality massive multiplayer world. It’s designed to stretch the imagination, so much so that your Facebook friends become people you really want to talk to.

A new study claims water containing small amounts of sugar, protein or fat is better for hydration than plain water. This is bad news for families trying to convince obese relatives not to hydrate with Gatorade or gravy.

In New Zealand, a University of Canterbury student was reportedly dead in his dorm room for eight weeks before being discovered. The other residents of his dorm were really, really good at honoring the “necktie on the doorknob” rule.

Amazon announced eyeglasses, earbuds and a ring you can buy to communicate with digital assistant Alexa. “Alexa, you’re smothering me” said men.

President Trump dismissed the impeachment inquiry and whistleblower complaint as garbage, adding he has the best hearing and if someone blew a whistle he’d have heard it.

Families are concerned that the new DC Comics movie ‘Joker’ will spur mass shootings, citing as evidence everyone who wanted to kill themselves after paying to see ‘Suicide Squad’.

A United Airlines flight from Washington DC to San Francisco made an emergency landing in Denver after a woman got stuck in the bathroom. She was eventually freed, but passengers still waited to use the other one.

An inmate in the recreation yard at an Ohio county jail was caught on camera receiving a package dropped from a drone. The package contained a cell phone, marijuana and other contraband. The inmate was later charged with texting & shanking a guard.

You can now use Amazon Alexa or the Google Assistant to begin a job application to work at McDonald’s, provided you’re okay with Alexa or the Google Assistant taking ten minutes trying to talk you out of it.

Former co-host of ‘The View’ Jenny McCarthy claims show founder Barbara Walters – in early stages of dementia – consistently forgot who McCarthy was. This made many of the people on set jealous of Barbara Walters.

 

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As he continues to lobby to be traded, Jacksonville Jaguars cornerback Jalen Ramsey skipped practice Monday, saying he’s sick and might have the flu. Then he was totally embarrassed when he ran into Jaguars Head Coach Doug Marrone in the lobby of the cinema showing Downton Abbey.

Melania Trump rang the opening bell for the New York Stock Exchange on Monday. “Meddy Chreezmuss!” shouted Mrs. Stable Genius.

Viral video shows two bears fighting in the middle of a highway in British Columbia. The video was captured by the Grubhub driver delivering the salmon they were fighting over.

A McDonald’s in Sacramento is playing an unpleasant noise over an outdoor speaker to aggravate loiterers and homeless people so they’ll leave. Asked what the noise is, a McDonald’s manager said “it’s two Grimaces mating.”

An arrest warrant for sexual battery was issued for actor/comedian Andy Dick, according the LAPD’s Andy Dick Division, created to keep up with the frequency of his crimes.

Blac Chyna went on a dinner date with an unidentified new boyfriend, who put her toes in his mouth at their table. The waiter finally dropped off some bread to get him to stop.

Congress formed a group to combat youth vaping – meaning vaping will end up being bigger than ever.

Embattled NFL wide receiver Antonio Brown, released by the New England Patriots, reenrolled in classes at Central Michigan University where he played college football. Brown is glad to be on a college campus, where no one worries about sexual assault.

The annual Primetime Emmy Awards took place Sunday night, as confused American tv viewers asked themselves “are netflixes and hulus and primes tv? or is they movies?”

Motown released 60 unheard tracks from their vault. Some of them were songs from Stevie Wonder, Diana Ross and others; most of them were Joe Jackson abusing his kids to get them to work harder.

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Monday was National Guacamole Day, making Tuesday National Throw Out Your Brown Guacamole Day.

Scientists at MIT unveiled the blackest black ever created, absorbing 99.9% of light. They’re calling it “Flavor Flav”.

  • While the blackest black ever created is impressive, MIT researchers found most people think the shade that only absorbs 90% of light is prettier.

Rumors circulated that Robert Downey Jr.’s Iron Man may make one more onscreen appearance in Marvel’s ‘Black Widow’ movie — a scene where Tony Stark gives multiple compelling reasons to Natasha Romanov why she shouldn’t portray Iron Man.

Golfer John Daly’s son, 16-year-old Little John, won the International Junior Golf Tour’s Florida Junior event by nine strokes. The elder Daly said he thinks his kid will get even better as his alcohol tolerance improves.

Felicity Huffman was sentenced to 14 days in prison for her part in the Operation Varsity Blues college cheating scandal. The prison is reportedly pretty cushy; Huffman plans to report several hours early for hair & makeup.

Christie Brinkley dropped out of Dancing With The Stars with an arm injury. “Boy, I didn’t think there was a more physically demanding job than modeling!” she said.

Lou Ferrigno – TV’s Hulk – is selling his Los Angeles home for $3.9 million. Ferrigno said the house has “the best home gym in the country”. The equipment is pretty average, but it’s filled with hot young women he paid to be there.

Men’s Health magazine published an article “What Happens To Your Body When You Stop Working Out for 90 Days”. It’s about how Jonah Hill preps for movie roles.

To promote growth of bee populations, McDonald’s in Sweden is converting roadside advertising billboards into hotels for bees. This follows their successful decades-long campaign turning human arteries into hotels for saturated fats.

Couples and therapists are advocating the 5-5-5 Method to resolve conflicts, where one partner talks for 5 minutes, the other talks for 5, then they converse together for 5 more. This is different than the less successful 5 Method, where one partner takes 5 seconds to confess to an affair.

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Country Time offered to pay the fines of kids cited for operating unlicensed lemonade stands. No one is more excited than the kid fined for running an unlicensed stand selling lemonade and meth.

Food high in sodium and low in nutrients could lead to depression in preteens. The makers of Lunchables may change the name to Miserables.

UFC crowned its first Chinese champion, strawweight woman Weili Zhang. Zhang defeated Jessica Andrade in 42 seconds – stunning Andrade, who said she’s used to waiting 20 minutes for Chinese to show up.

President Trump spoke about the threat of Hurricane Dorian. He said he didn’t think he’d ever heard of a Category 5 Hurricane, adding that he only pays attention to 9s and 10s.

Hurricane Dorian will cause the Tuesday shutdown of Orlando International Airport. On the bright side, there is, like, no line at Space Mountain.

Kevin Hart suffered severe back injuries when his classic Dodge Barracuda was driven off the highway by a friend. It’s the worst wreck Hart has survived since ‘Soul Plane’.

Bugatti made the first production automobile to top 300mph. “We probably won’t insure that.” said an online sales associate for The General.

A 17-year-old went blind after eating only fries, chips, white bread and meat for most of his life. In a related story, McDonald’s hired their first blind Ronald McDonald.

Player-turned-broadcaster Alex Rodriguez told a national television audience during Sunday night’s Mets/Phillies telecast that “even leads are better than odd leads.” Managers around MLB no longer felt comfortable being ahead 15 runs in the 8th.

Apple is rumored to be bringing sleep tracking to the new edition of Apple Watch. They want to see if users talk about their Apple Watch in their sleep as much as when they’re awake.

 

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Website 24/7 Wall Street reviewed unemployment filings to find the most secure jobs. Optometrists, veterinarians, and real estate appraisers had the highest job security; Presidential Cabinet Members had the lowest.

The searing heat in the western U.S. could raise the temperature of the pavement in Las Vegas to 147 degrees. “Come on, 150!” said a gambling addict who bet the over.

Public schools in South Dakota now display the phrase “In God We Trust” in 12-inch letters. The next challenge is giving more than half of South Dakota public school students the ability to read it.

A customer with a handgun shot two robbers at a 7-Eleven in Virginia Beach, killing one. The other was treated for internal injuries from gunshot wounds and the microwave burrito he ate during the robbery.

A Florida man is being treated for a potentially lethal infection on his buttocks caused by flesh-eating bacteria. The flesh eating bacteria are being treated for severe food poisoning.

‘Revenge Body With Khloe Kardashian’ featured a former L.A. gang member trying to get in shape at a boxing ring. The gang-banger said the boxing training was one of the hardest things he’d ever done, along with shooting people and fighting off Khloe Kardashian’s marriage proposals.

McDonald’s reported their biggest sales growth since 2012. CEO Steve Easterbrook cited new menu items, updated stores, and Americans just giving up.

A North Carolina man gave his wife a birthday cake decorated to look like her favorite thing, an Amazon delivery box. Before the party started, the cake was stolen.

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi met face-to-face with Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and said afterward that they “don’t have that many differences” – overlooking their differing points of view on impeachment, and Pelosi never having been nearly that hot.

A 7 pound 11 ounce baby born on July 11 at 7:11pm was given a $7,111 college fund by 7-Eleven…who then recognized their mistake and instead gave the infant seven dollars ane eleven cents.

 

 

 

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California health officials announced their findings that coffee doesn’t pose a significant cancer risk – at least not until Dunkin opens more locations there.

Build-A-Bear will open shops inside Walmart stores, where children and parents can build sad bears.

Lab testers Quest Diagnostics said over 11 million clients’ financial and health information were exposed in a data breach, including the 2% who actually passed their drug screening.

Forbes named Jay-Z “hip-hop’s first billionaire” – news that shocked an Adidas-track-suit-wearing Warren Buffett.

Researchers say octopuses may become more popular research animals than lab rats, because they offer relatively easy genetic sequencing, and because you can inject them with eight vaccines at once.

A man visited all 419 U.S. National Parks in one three-year journey. He made the trek alone, in order to avoid children asking him 40,000 times if they were there yet. 

New research concludes feeding mosquitos sugar makes them less likely to bite – but feeding them diet cola makes them more likely to order the larger Value Meal.

An Australian study claims a “high likelihood” of civilization collapsing by 2050 due to climate change. That’s the bad news; the good news is now many more people have enough money saved for retirement.

President Trump and his family attended a fancy state ball at London’s Buckingham Palace, where the Royal Family treated their guests to a buffet from McDonald’s and KFC.

Khloe Kardashian escorted a superfan to his high school prom in Glendale, California. Over the course of three hours, Kardashian arrived, married the captain of the basketball team, and he cheated on her.