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Donald Trump survived separate attacks on his life – one from a 20-year-old with an AR-15 rifle, and an ongoing attack from the McDonald’s Corporation.

Following the assassination, Melania Trump issued a statement: “nevermind”, to her life insurance agent.

Speakers at this week’s Republican National Convention were announced, crushing the hopes of a first payday in 10 years for Kevin Sorbo and Scott Baio, who were left out.

Kid Rock posted an angry video to social media saying “you f*ck with Trump, you f*ck with me!”. So now you know two different ways to contract genital herpes.

The new Las Vegas Sphere’s exterior screen showed an emoji melting in the 120-degree heat, lending new meaning to the phrase ‘hot as balls’.

A National Association of Realtors report claims Montana has the highest housing prices in the U.S. – frustrating young grizzly bear couples who are packing up and moving to more affordable North Dakota.

A study presented at the Nutrition 2024 Conference finds diet soda & other ultraprocessed foods are even worse for humans than past studies indicated. Researchers presented the findings at the Nutrition 2024 Conference after organizers cancelled their appearance at the 2024 Arby’s Franchise Owners Meeting.

China’s Communist Party is meeting in Beijing to set the direction for the nation’s economy. So far, officials’ most popular direction appears to be “depressing”.

The Copa America soccer championship in Miami, won by Argentina over Colombia, was delayed over an hour as fans without tickets tried to force their way into the stadium. Security opened several outside gates for safety to keep fans from being crushed, and to sell some extra $15 beers.

Alec Baldwin’s involuntary manslaughter charge for a shooting death on set of the film Rust was dismissed. Production is set to resume, and in about a year the film will also be dismissed.

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New research finds getting angry for just 8 minutes can raise the risk of heart attack and stroke. Doctors advise using relaxation techniques, or training to beat people up in 7 minutes or less.

A Pro-Palestine protestor on the campus of Stanford University was pictured wearing a Hamas headband. Even more disturbing was the protestor saying he bought the headband at Fanatics.

Women are reporting sagging ‘Ozempic breasts’ due to loss of fatty tissue as they drop weight. They say they can’t afford restorative implants because of Ozempic’s cost, so they’re turning to padded bras and the McDonald’s Dollar Menu.

TikTok and Universal Music Group agreed to an increased royalty payment structure, so now music from Universal artists like Ariana Grande and Billie Eilish can play while you attempt the newest deadly viral challenge.

The U.S. Drug Enforcement Agency plans to declassify marijuana as a less-dangerous Schedule III narcotic, thereby opening up legal interstate sales of it, and the inevitable Amazon Basics Weed.

Nose-pickers are more likely to incur serious staph infections. And are also more likely to lie about how they got a staph infection.

Red Lobster is reportedly on the verge of Chapter 11 bankruptcy, owing to ongoing losses from a popular Endless Shrimp promotion, and low demand for its Endless Mixed Vegetables promotion.

The judge in Donald Trump’s hush-money trial is holding another gag order hearing. He’s considering issuing a Talk All You Want About Anything Order, in hopes that Trump will violate that and shut up for once.

Viral video of a Miami-area bowling alley brawl shows one woman throwing bowling balls at another woman and hitting her in the head. There haven’t been this many Miami women getting hit with balls since Diddy’s last mansion party.

The executor of O.J. Simpson’s estate invited the families of murder victims Nicole Brown & Ronald Goldman to a meeting. He wouldn’t reveal any planned compensation to the families, but he did ask them if they needed golf clubs or football cards.

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Homeland Security raided the homes of music mogul Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs as part of an alleged sex trafficking investigation. No further details were given, but the Feds are calling this a Biggie.

Combs’ houses in Miami & Los Angeles were raided, so let it be known Diddy was doing his part bring both East Coast & West Coast rappers together.

The grandmother of two of the ‘Little Rascals’ robbers – aged 11 & 12 – who held up a Wells Fargo Bank in Houston said the teller gave them play money. Nonetheless, the two boys were apprehended at a playground as they ‘made it rain’ while young girls danced on the monkey bars.

Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce reportedly shut down a Los Angeles gym for a two-hour private workout while members waited and watched outside. As they left, women shouted at Taylor for autographs, and men shouted corrections to her lifting form.

Krispy Kreme is expanding its partnership with McDonald’s and will be sold at all locations by the end of 2026. Customers ordering a Quarter Pounder will be asked if they want the burger or a really big doughnut.

A court lowered Donald Trump’s bond requirement to appeal his financial fraud judgment from $454 million to $175 million, and gave him 10 days to come up with the money. Trump then invited friends from North Korea, Russia & China to Mar a Lago for a Classified Documents Garage Sale.

A container ship struck and collapsed the Francis Scott Key Bridge outside of Baltimore. Viral video showed the action between 1 and 2 a.m., and gave proof through the night that the bridge was not there.

Arnold Schwarzenegger got a pacemaker. His blood is so heavy, his heart needed help pumping all the iron.

The U.S. Justice Department sued Apple, saying its market share of iPhones is a practical monopoly. Apple plans to drop a countersuit, then pay a fortune to fix the cracks in it.

Former NFL star Eric Decker – husband of viral singer/celebrity Jessie James Decker – announced he’d had a vasectomy after fathering four children. Future babies are not expected to make this latest round of cuts.

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A mother of 8 was sentenced to prison for her role in the January 6th riots. She told her family before she was taken into custody that four years of dinners are in the fifty freezers she bought.

Miami fourth graders were ‘distraught’ and a mental health counselor was hired after R-rated slasher film Winnie the Pooh: Blood & Honey was shown to them during class. “Hey, still beats multiplication tables” said several of the not-that-traumatized kids.

X, formerly Twitter, is charging $1 to new users in Philippines & New Zealand. Not to be outdone, Facebook is charging $5 to users in those countries to uninstall it.

In a text exchange with Elon Musk, Kanye West said he has autism symptoms from a car accident. This isn’t medically possible, but nevertheless, the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration recalled all Rolls Royce Spectrum models.

A Great Dane named Meadow delivered a record litter of 15 puppies at a North Carolina animal shelter. Three area hounds were swabbed for saliva before a one-of-a-kind special episode of Maury to see who is the father.

Trump ally Sidney Powell entered a surprise guilty plea in the Georgia election interference case and is expected to testify for the prosecution. Powell said it was either that, or be represented by Rudy Giuliani.

ABC’s Good Morning America will vacate its current studio and relocate to a new headquarters building constructed by parent company Disney. Instead of Times Square, the show will now be broadcast from Space Mountain.

Jada Pinkett Smith said she built a space where she could have romantic encounters when her children were little. She called it a sex room with Will Smith, and an Entanglements Room with other visitors.

A woman broke her finger attempting to catch a home run at the Philadelphia Phillies playoff game. Her boyfriend broke his finger when she sat back down.

In a new autobiography, Britney Spears claims Adderall to be her drug of choice in the mid-00s. She said the drug gave her a high, made her feel less depressed , and allowed her to really focus on finding good cheeseburgers.

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Philadelphia Police are seeking a man who punched a pregnant woman for not giving up her seat on a city bus. Two stops later she delivered her baby boy.

Saudi Arabia executed 81 people in a single day, as the field was narrowed down in the opening round of ‘Saudi Arabian Idol’.

Motley Crue bassist Nikki Sixx said the band’s setlist for the upcoming stadium tour will include “hits, deep tracks and some cool surprises.” When pressed what the “cool surprises” might be, he referred to guitarist Mick Mars actually living through the whole tour, and Vince Neil singing all the words to one or two songs.

Construction began on the world’s largest cruise ship terminal in Miami. It will be able to accommodate up to three massive ships at the same time, and will create thousands of new jobs and viruses.

Apple supplier Foxconn closed one of their Chinese factories for a week because of the country’s COVID lockdown. However, every employee will assemble 100 iPads & 1000 iPhones for homework.

Nika Nikoubin, 21, stabbed her date during a sexual encounter at a Las Vegas hotel as “revenge” for the U.S. killing an Iranian general in a 2020. She’s held on $60,000 bail, which will likely be covered by the TV producers who named her ‘The Iranian Bachelorette’.

Tom Brady ended his retirement after six weeks and will rejoin the Tampa Bay Buccaneers for another season. Brady will be 45 next season, meaning the NFL will expand its Concussion Protocol to include dementia.

Pete Davidson and five paying customers will be the next passengers on Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin rocket launch. The customers are unnamed, but Hulu announced a new spinoff series, ‘Kardashtronauts’.

New guidance points to sore throat as the most common leading indicator of COVID infection, confusing Atlantic City prostitutes who worry their throats are never not sore.

Russian troops were reportedly so confident of victory in Ukraine, they carried dress uniforms for a victory parade in Kyiv. They’re now demoralized based on heroic Ukrainian opposition, troop casualties, and because they blew up all the dry cleaners.

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In the wake of Joe Rogan controversies, Spotify CEO Daniel Ek said they’ll invest $100 million on content from ‘underrepresented creators’. And another $100 million paying unknown standup comics to stop their podcasts altogether.

The White House’s top science adviser, Eric Lander, resigned amidst accusations that he mistreated staff, who were afraid of him. Lander’s favorite expression is “follow the science, or else”.

Oscar nominees were released Tuesday morning, with ‘The Power Of The Dog’ getting 12 nominations. Unfortunately, none of the dog’s powers are getting people to see the movie.

An 80-year-old nun was convicted of stealing over $800,000 from a Los Angeles school where she was principal to fund a gambling habit. She was sentenced to a year in prison by a judge, and sentenced to, like, a million Hail Marys by a priest.

Peloton’s co-founder and CEO John Foley resigned amidst declining sales and layoffs. And boy are his legs tired.

For the first time, chimpanzees in the wild were seen capturing insects and applying them to wounds as a means of primitive medication. Then they were seen asking the guy watching them for Neosporin.

Florida is considering a controversial “don’t say gay” bill that bans discussions of gender identity in school classrooms. The bill is sponsored by legislators who apparently have never been in or around Miami.

Ye Olde Fighting Cocks, a pub in St. Albans that claims to be the oldest in Britain – having operated since 793A.D. – is closing. Scotland Yard is on the lookout for four fugitives who have yet to pay the world’s largest running bar tabs.

A Montgomery County, Pennsylvania couple were forced to deliver the wife’s baby in the front seat of their car when they were stuck in traffic. In lieu of baby gifts, they’re asking for the name of a good detailer for the front seat of their car.

Philadelphia is creating a new Citizens Police Oversight Commission, that will finally hear public complaints about police behavior, and also allow help citizens direct their bribes to the right cops.

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New Jersey is building its second offshore wind farms, just as soon as local crime bosses have enough bodies to fill in the giant underwater concrete pylons.

Colon cancer rising in young adults because of sugary drinks. The Surgeon General declared a Mountain Dew Code Red.

Florida condominium owners are debating selling their units in the wake of the Miami Surfside collapse. They’re worried about sharp drops in both value and altitude.

Over 180 people nationwide were killed by guns over the July 4th weekend. Chicago is considering cancelling next year’s fireworks and just scheduling a firefight.

Wildfires in the U.S. are so bad, even Hawaii is experiencing one. It’s a California wildfire on vacation.

Pope Francis is hospitalized following colon surgery, to fix an irregularity discovered by an altar boy.

Black TikTok’ers are on strike since Juneteenth and not creating dances, because they say they’re tired of white TikTok’ers stealing them and getting credit. In other news, the most popular dance on TikTok since Juneteenth is the Macarena.

WWE superstar wrestler Jimmy Uso was arrested for DUI, driving with a blood alcohol level of .205. Uso failed a field sobriety test, he was asked to hit the arresting officer with a folding chair and missed.

Monday marked Aphelion Day, when Earth is at its farthest point from the Sun. Fearing the added distance will diminish their tan, Jersey Shore beachgoers put their chairs on cinderblocks.

Britney Spears’ manager Larry Rudolph resigned, saying he believes Britney wants to retire from singing. He came to the conclusion after listening to Britney sing.

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Grand Funk Railroad announced its summer tour, with special guests Little River Band and Blue Oyster Cult. Tickets are available by calling 1977.

A 9-year-old Utah girl and her 4-year-old sister wanted to swim in the ocean, so they drove the family car nearly 10 miles before getting into an accident. The 9-year-old also threatened to turn the car around and go back home if the 4-year-old kept asking for bathroom stops.

The defending NBA champion Los Angeles Lakers were eliminated in the first round of the playoffs by the Phoenix Suns. Lakers star Lebron James announced he’s “taking his talents to Miami” for a beach vacation.

A pop-up shop in San Francisco features robots that paint fingernails for $8. The shop was closed temporarily when a woman shoved her foot in the machine and the robot blacked out.

An Australian woman claims to have contracted ‘foreign accent syndrome’, when she mysteriously acquired an Irish accent after awaking from a tonsillectomy. She also can no longer move her arms when she dances.

Tennis star Naomi Osaka, who withdrew from the French Open citing depression and anxiety, was named the world’s 12th highest-paid athlete, earning $77 million in 2020. Other athletes are also depressed – that they don’t make nearly as much.

Baseball’s Cleveland Indians have narrowed down the list of new team names. Owner Paul Dolan said the team is looking to distance itself from the current name, so they’ll only consider non-Native American ethnic slurs.

Out Leadership, a business advisory firm focused on inclusiveness, ranked the 50 U.S. states for LGBTQ+ inclusivity. New York finished first, South Carolina finished last, and Mississippi was omitted because they couldn’t spell LGBTQ.

More than a dozen U.S. cities are exploring minimal or zero police presence responding to “mental health” 911 calls. Behavioral experts say they’re perfectly capable of shooting mentally impaired people themselves.

‘RuPaul’s Drag Race’ star Widow Von’Du was arrested for assault after allegedly beating up a man who refused to leave her apartment, leaving him with 14 stitches on his face & head. Von’Du is now the betting favorite to win ‘RuPaul’s Summer Slam’.

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Italy declared a complete lockdown over the coronavirus. France declared a complete surrender.

Approximately 3,500 French people dressed in blue paint and white hats, breaking the world record for largest Gathering of the Smurfs. It was 3,499 drunk men and one truly terrifed Smurfette.

China’s leader Xi Jinping toured the country’s Wuhan region as a way to restore Chinese citizens confidence in government’s management of coronavirus. Despite there being no traffic, his motorcade driver caused a five-car pileup.

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo enlisted prisoners to produce a low-cost hand sanitizer due to a shortage. However, the prisoners say they’re running out of room in their toilets to make it.

Supermodel Paulina Porizkova, 54, shared a bikini photo taken on a Costa Rica vacation. Porizkova – widow of deceased Cars frontman Ric Ocasek – said ” ‘You Might Think’ you have a chance, but you don’t”

A female Komodo dragon with no male partner gave birth to three hatchlings at Chattanooga Zoo via parthenogenesis, where a female’s egg is self-fertilized without sperm. The single Komodo mom has already started a blog about her journey.

Waxworms, which normally live in beehives and eat wax, have shown in a lab environment that they’ll also eat plastic bags. As bee populations drop, waxworm families will qualify for a federal program to relocate them to landfills.

Nintendo mobile game Mario Kart Tour launched its multiplayer mode, so now you can race against others while you’re behind the wheel of your real car in traffic.

Billie Eilish, who ordinarily wears only baggy clothes in public, showed images of her wearing just a bra during a musical interlude at her Miami concert. The images, accompanied by a poem Eilish wrote, were applauded equally by feminists and perverts.

Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy will do away with studio audiences over coronavirus concerns. Jeopardy is considering a laugh track to play after contestants share their boring, unfunny getting-to-know-you introduction stories.

 

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Southwest Airlines kicked off its latest promotional discounts, with one-way fares as low as $69, and special one-way fat-shaming fares as low as $49.

As sub-zero temperatures in Chicago continue, residents are being advised about ‘Frost Quakes’ – rumbles and noises from subterranean rock breaking as it freezes. Not to be confused with the cheap store-brand Frost Quakes cereal your mom buys.

Nintendo delayed the launch of its eagerly-awaited smartphone game, Mario Kart Mobile, until this summer. However, the marketing slogan is already set: “Don’t Text and Drive — Drive and Drive!”

Augusta National Golf Club announced that the par-4 5th hole, named ‘Magnolia’, has been lengthened 40 yards to 495 yards for this year’s Masters. They also announced that there isn’t a chance in hell you slobs will ever see or play it in person.

A South Korean woman whose husband died suddenly in Mexico claims Mexican authorities returned his corpse with the brain, heart and stomach missing.  In an unrelated story, the scarecrow and tin man got what they wanted from the Mexican Wizard of Oz.

Gisele Bundchen, wife of star NFL QB Tom Brady, opened up about her relationship with actor Leonardo Dicaprio. Bundchen said she split from Dicaprio because she was “no longer numbing herself” with drinking and work. Dicaprio replied saying he split up with Bundchen because she was “no longer 22”.

USA Today published an expose of Miami’s Jolie Plastic Surgery center, where 8 women have died after plastic surgery, 4 from complications of Brazilian Butt Lifts. The principal physician regrets that their asses couldn’t be saved.

A drunken British man whose misbehavior caused a Calgary-to-London flight to turn around must reimburse WestJet Airlines $21,000 for the fuel costs they incurred. The man said he’ll pay for the jet fuel, but only if he gets to drink some of it.

Walmart announced it will start paying bonuses to employees for good attendance. A spokesman called this a win/win for employees, since the bonuses are paid for showing up, not for actually doing any work.

Researchers at Stanford & NYU found that people who deactivated Facebook for four weeks reported being happier, but less informed about current events. They also reported difficulty finding $19 Ray-Ban sunglasses and bootleg copies of first-run movies.