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Great Britain raised its virus threat level for COVID-19, from ‘Pish-posh’ to ‘Good heavens!”

Democrats unveiled a bill meant to avoid a government shutdown, but Republican Mitch McConnell said it omitted farm aid. “That’s because those concerts sucked” said Dems.

Police conducted the largest fentanyl bust in Delaware history, seizing drugs with a street value of $5 million. “Now what’re we gonna do for fun?” asked Delawareians.

A man was arrested for throwing construction debris on New York City subway tracks, causing a derailment. Although Brooklyn hipsters getting off the derailed train were happy to collect the old bricks and distressed wood.

Donald Trump said that his upcoming Supreme Court nominee will be a woman. He’ll announce it Friday or Saturday, after reviewing Playboy’s ‘Women Of The High Court’ issue.

The CDC said trick-or-treating during the pandemic is “high risk”. Trick-or-treaters say handing out candy corn or fruit is “high risk” for getting your house egged.

Australian officials are struggling to save hundreds of pilot whales stranded on sandbars and shallow water – and that’s not even counting the thousands of angry passenger whales.

NASA published its Artemis Plan, which includes landing the first woman on the Moon in 2024. The centerpiece of the plan is using the next four years to heat the Moon to 80 degrees.

Sizzler steakhouses declared bankruptcy. In a statement, the CEO acknowledged the decision was like their steaks – tough.

Hillary Clinton is launching a podcast. So, I guess that makes everybody.

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The Big 10 and Pac 12 athletic conferences announced they won’t play football in Fall 2020 – leading to a panicked emergency Board of Directors meeting of the Bad Boy Mowers Gasparilla Bowl.

Joe Biden picked Kamala Harris as his running mate, and will finally get to know what a part-Indian, part-Jamaican woman’s hair feels & smells like.

In a Tuesday radio interview, Donald Trump called NBA players “very nasty” and “very dumb” for kneeling during the national anthem to protest racial injustice – adding that he’s cancelled his plans to throw out the first pitch at an NBA game.

Laid-off hospitality workers protesting the lack of extended unemployment benefits set up makeshift soup kitchens outside the offices of Senators opposing $600/week payments. “I’ll have a large chicken noodle” said Mitch McConnell.

In a different interview Tuesday night with Sean Hannity, Trump once again railed against windmills, mourning birds that die because of them – presumably from cancer.

Ghislaine Maxwell’s attorneys are asking that she be moved out of solitary confinement, since it’s pretty hard to recruit teen convicts to give massages if you can’t talk to them.

A Chick-fil-A employee in Florida shared a ‘secret’ dessert item that combines their fresh fruit cup, soft-serve ice cream, and a milkshake. Customers are impressed, but still get the large waffle fries instead.

Six Jersey Shore beaches are under a swimming advisory because of high levels of fecal bacteria in the water. Local sharks admit they’re to blame for scaring swimmers.

Mossimo Giannulli and Lori Loughlin downsized from their Bel-Air mansion to a newly-constructed 11,758 square foot home. Instead of a fitness center with rowing machines, the new house has its own prison cell for home confinement.

A broken cable tore a 100-foot hole in one of the world’s largest telescopes, located in Puerto Rico. Crews estimate it will be several months before Puerto Rican scientists will once again be able to peek through the windows of Florida bathrooms.

 

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Triplets in Mexico tested positive for coronavirus on the day they were born. Doctors and engineers are devising a way they can breast feed from six feet away. 

The Kentucky Democratic Senate primary naming a challenger to Mitch McConnell won’t be decided for another week. Amy McGrath leads Charles Booker, but final tallies require the state’s electon auditor to verify the number of times the horses clomp their hooves.

Brands are joining the #StopHateForProfit movement, boycotting Facebook for refusing to accept paid messages of hate. Meanwhile, the Facebook Ad Sales team for Trump 2020 and Boogaloo spent their bonuses on sports cars and beach houses.

Miley Cyrus says she’s been sober for six months but is still a “ton of fun”… thanks to having a “ton of money”.

Doctors are trialing an at-home sleep apnea test that doesn’t require an overnight sleep study. They check your ribcage for bruises from your spouse punching while you snore.

A female suspect was arrested in the arson of the Wendy’s restaurant where Atlantan Rayshard Brooks was fatally shot by police. She’s charged with felony destruction of property, and of whatever it is they put in Frostys.

An off-duty Los Angeles police officer was drinking a Starbucks frappucino when he discovered a tampon in it. He’s demanding that the employee responsible be fired, since he ordered the drink with a condom in it.

New Jersey announced theme parks can reopen on July 2nd. Thousands of families are already buying advance tickets to Six Flags Over Coronavirus.

Major League Baseball announced its return with an abbreviated schedule. Spitting will be prohibited, so a special space will be set aside for players vomiting swallowed chewing tobacco and sunflower seeds.

The City of Philadelphia will seek removal of a statue of Christopher Columbus. They plan to appease angry locals by replacing it with a bronze statue of Rocky Balboa kissing Nick Foles.

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A Philadelphia man was arrested for selling homemade dynamite used in multiple ATM burglaries. He charged $300 for a dozen dynamite sticks, plus a $4/stick service fee.

Drew Brees issued a lengthy apology for the insensitivity of his comments regarding kneeling protests, and hoped his negro and colored friends would forgive him.

Nevada police charged several far-right ‘Boogaloo’ extremists – white men intent on starting a new civil war – with terror and weapons crimes. No word if cops tasered the men to disrupt their plans, which would be Electric Boogaloo Breakin’.

A hidden feature in Google Maps lets you tell friends exactly where you are. Right now, everyone’s phone is set to My House.

JCPenney announced the 154 stores that will close this summer. Store closing sales start June 12th. Customers are asked to wear masks so no one knows they still shop at JCPenney .

The Washington Post analyzed Jeff Bezos’ personal charitable giving and determined his donations equate to $85 from the average American. Worse, the donations were in Amazon gift cards.

Following Alaska Senator Lisa Murkowski’s criticism of Donald Trump, he promised to endorse any GOP opposition candidate if they “have a pulse”. Since Trump now requires a pulse for endorsements, many wondered if he still endorsed Mitch McConnell.

Kylie Jenner topped Forbes list of the highest-earning celebrities. Asked to comment, Jenner said she doesn’t read magazines for bees.

A viral video shows a Maryland man on a bike stealing signs from a young girl trying to commemorate George Floyd, then using his bike to run at her friends. He vowed to return to get the girl and her little dog, too.

The May unemployment rate fell to 13.3% as several states reopened, surprising economists who attributed the good news to asymptomatic coronavirus carriers happily returning to work.

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A 7-year-old was caught vaping CBD oil at a Wisconsin grade school. The vape device was confiscated, and a teacher gave the student a few Marlboros to get through the day.

During a meeting on Syria, President Trump called Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi “a third-rate politician” in what Pelosi described as a “meltdown”. The House then passed a measure to give the President a time-out, but Senate leader Mitch McConnell refused to vote on it.

Chicago school teachers are planning to strike, leaving 360,000 students without the education they need to become successful gang leaders.

A new form of yoga, “rage yoga” combines traditional poses with alcohol, cursing and obscene gestures. Rage yoga formed when someone left the tv in a yoga studio turned on and tuned to a Philadelphia Eagles game.

Massimo Giannulli, husband of Lori Loughlin and codefendant in their college admissions scam trial, lost both of his parents this year. “It’s been a hard time” says a source close to the family. “Well, kinda” said Lori.

The United States men’s national soccer team lost to Canada for the first time in decades, and a hockey game didn’t even break out.

Flip or Flop’s Christina Anstead said that her six-week old newborn son, Hudson, will sometimes cry for hours straight. She said she’s tried everything to get him to stop – from changing the wall color to the flooring – and nothing’s worked.

An Iowa man found his basement flooded with five inches of fat and blood that had leaked in from a neighboring meat locker business. He was urged not to throw it out by Guy Fieri, because that’s where all the flavor is.

Researchers claim losing large amounts of weight later in life may increase the risk of premature death from heart disease. The study was funded by fat Italian grandmothers who think you look too skinny.

Six siblings in the Netherlands spent a decade in a basement bunker literally waiting for the end of the world before one escaped and ordered beers at a local bar. He chugged the beers after saying “it’s Doomsday somewhere.”

 

 

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A new company is using Artificial Intelligence to help bartenders determine who to serve next in a crowded bar. The AI identifies which customer has the largest breasts.

In India, a 7-year-old boy underwent a procedure to have 526 teeth removed from his jaw…and boy is his bully’s arm tired.

A man speaking into his Apple Watch helped first responders locate him in the rubble of his collapsed house. It’s believed to be the first time anyone moved closer to a douchebag talking into their Apple Watch.

The CrossFit Games wrapped up over the weekend in Madison Wisconsin. Wisconsin dairy farmers want to know when they’re getting their goddamned tractor tires back.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell fell at his Kentucky home and fractured his shoulder. He was transported to a local hospital, where doctors took x-rays to rule out an injury to his backbone, before determining that he doesn’t have one.

A man in Spain was arrested after filming a video throwing a refrigerator off of a cliff. He was ordered by police to haul the refrigerator back up, and was ordered by his wife to clean out the rotten produce drawer.

The Center for Science in the Public Interest released its list of unhealthiest foods from chain restaurants. Their worst offender is Sonic’s Oreo Peanut Butter Master Shake, which has 1,700 calories, and, they claim, is like eating 15 Oreos with a cup of lard. A Sonic spokesperson clarified that the cup of lard costs extra.

Egyptian officials say that King Tut’s coffin is in “very bad condition”, adding “and that’s just the outside.”

The author of a viral post claims to have found a hot dog that tastes like steak. They discovered it by trying the steak at Golden Corral.

The Philadelphia Phillies are suing the company that created their Phillie Phanatic mascot to keep it from working for other teams.  Agents for the Phanatic want more money, and say the Phillies are already paying millions to other guys in Phillies jerseys who can’t hit or pitch.

 

 

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California is considering a new law permitting human consumption of meat from roadkill animals. The legislation is expected to save millions of dollars each year for Arby’s.

CNN plans to host a John Hickenlooper For President town hall meeting next week, only it plans to change the Town Hall to a Tiny Kitchen.

A ‘bomb cyclone’ threatens to dump up to two feet of snow on portions of Nebraska, ruining the Spring Break vacation destination of the nation’s poorest, dumbest college students.

Kentucky Democrats are fundraising to advance retired military pilot Amy McGrath as a candidate to unseat Republican Mitch McConnell. They’re reportedly about halfway to matching the amount of money McConnell has stored in his neck pouch.

Michael Avenatti states that he is no longer the lawyer for Stormy Daniels, choosing to refocus his career on stand-up comedy.

The family of an 11-year-old boy is suing Universal Studios, saying his foot and leg were crushed at the end of the E.T. Adventure ride at Universal’s Orlando theme park. Said the boy: “ouuuch”.

A Cincinnati brewery employee claims he’s fasting and only consuming beer for Lent. Del Hall, sales director for Fifty West Brewing, says he’s already lost 15 pounds, and his job for being hammered all day.

Volkswagen may bring back the iconic ‘Dune Buggy’, revealing what it calls the ID Buggy concept car. It’s electric and runs almost silent, going 0-to-running over toddlers with pails & shovels on the beach in just seconds.

In a study of gummy vitamins, ConsumerLab.com found that gummies are more likely than pills to over- or under-deliver listed ingredients. Mainly because people just eat all the red ones and toss out the other colors.

Twitter is launching a new camera feature. Soon you’ll be able to swipe left to take photos or videos that the app will inexplicably cut off so followers can’t see the whole thing.

 

 

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Sarah Thomas will officiate the Los Angeles Chargers/New England Patriots AFC Divisional Playoff game on Sunday. She’ll be the first woman referee in an NFL game, or  just another mom spending a Sunday afternoon watching a bunch of boys pound the piss out of each other.

Donald Trump’s former lawyer, Michael Cohen, will testify publicly on February 7th before the House Oversight Committee, presumably to talk about his oversights covering up payments to porn stars and Playmates.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell refused to allow a vote on Democratic-sponsored legislation to end the partial U.S. Government shutdown, going so far as to put the legislation in the folds of his neck where it can never be found again.

President Trump claimed he never said that Mexico ‘would write a check’ to pay for the U.S./Mexico border wall.  “Of course we wouldn’t” said the President of Mexico “..who the f*** still writes checks?”

Tim Tebow is officially engaged to former Miss Universe Demi-Leigh Nel-Peters.  Tebow is planning a return to baseball before he gets married and hopefully makes it to third base.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, only Utah’s and South Dakota’s birth rates were high enough to sustain the current levels of U.S. population.  Census workers thanked the citizens of Utah and South Dakota for being Mormons and not knowing how birth control works, respectively.

The school board in Tamaqua, Pennsylvania postponed a final vote regarding a policy allowing teachers to carry firearms in class. Partly because they’re not sure it’s a good idea, and partly because the teachers keep failing the background checks.

The National Enquirer published text messages purportedly sent by Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos to his girlfriend Lauren Sanchez, including “I want to smell you..I want to breathe you in..hold you tight…” and “Good news! My penis is scheduled for delivery tomorrow!”

At a small airport near Tampa, Florida, an unidentified person was decapitated by a helicopter’s propeller Thursday afternoon.  Investigators plan to identify the victim, just as soon as their head finally lands on the ground sometime over the weekend.

A new analysis in the journal Science states the world’s oceans are heating up 40% faster than a similar study estimated just five years ago – due to more parents teaching small children how to swim in the ocean.

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Comcast announced it’s rolled out 1 Gigabit/second speed availability to all of its residential internet customers. They’re encouraging people to sign up for the service and experience speeds about one-tenth as fast as advertised.

Greg Lansky, owner of Strike 3 Entertainment — a man who calls himself “the Steven Spielberg of porn” — is suing 40 ‘John Does’ in the Buffalo, NY area for pirating his adult content. The defendants have not been named, but dozens of 15-year-old boys are moving their allowances into offshore Cayman Islands accounts.

A school cafeteria manager in Nebraska resigned after admitting he made and sold chili to students containing kangaroo meat.  At a track meet the next day, a student broke the decades-old high jump record by a full foot.

Senator Mitch McConnell and his wife, Elaine Chao, were confronted by angry protesters on Friday night as they dined at a Cuban restaurant. McConnell said he was just there to enjoy his food and help ICE agents load a truck full of servers for deportation to Cuba.

A 22-year-old man arrested at Baltimore-Washington International Airport for possessing a firearm in his luggage blamed his mother, who he said did his packing.  As evidence, the man submitted a note attached to the .40 caliber rifle, reading “Have fun shooting someone! Call me. Love, Mom.”

Saudi Arabia confirmed that missing writer Jamal Khashoggi is dead. They said he was being interrogated when a fistfight broke out and he died. Asked where his body is, the Saudis said they gave it to a mortician, but that he got into a fistfight with a competing mortician and now they can’t find it.

Video surfaced of a male Coral Springs, Florida police officer repeatedly punching  the ribs of a 14-year-old girl, subdued and lying face-down on the ground outside of a mall. “I paid $49 for this?…” said UFC fight fans before realizing it wasn’t video of a UFC-sanctioned event.

Denis Hof, a Nevada entrepreneur who owned & operated two legal brothels, the Bunny Ranch & Love Ranch, died last week. Paramedics arrived to treat an ‘unresponsive male’, and were surprised to find a lifeless body, because ‘unresponsive males’ at the Bunny Ranch are usually treated with Cialis.

A large, inflatable walk-through colon was stolen from the University of Kansas Cancer Center. Meanwhile, an oversized rectum is being flown to Texas to appear at a campaign rally for Senator Ted Cruz.

A new study claims that adults can reduce their risk of cancer by eating organic. A poll of Americans asking if they’d rather do their weekly shopping at Whole Foods or get cancer was a toss-up.

 

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After a harrowing ordeal lasting almost three weeks, all 12 member boys and the coach of the Wild Boars soccer team have been successfully rescued from a flooded cave in Thailand. The Boars forfeited two games and took the pitch just in time to lose 72-0 on Monday night.

President Trump nominated Brett Kavanaugh to the open seat on the Supreme Court. Kavanaugh dislikes abortion, but likes guns, unfettered executive branch power, and long walks on the beach.

As Trump held a press conference introducing Kavanaugh, Stormy Daniels was stripping nearby at local club The Cloakroom. Her show charged $50, or $200 if you wanted to Daniels to sit on your bench.

Following an eight-year search, Australian researchers have captured a massive, 1,300 pound crocodile as it lurked near a boat ramp in a river.  The researchers said they wanted to capture and isolate it to prevent it from “interacting with humans” — noting that the croc is a Registered Toddler-Eating Offender.

  • The croc will now “be taken to a croc farm” in Australia’s Katherine region. “We’re getting the f**k out of here” said chickens currently residing on the farm.

A husband and wife participating in a Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines ‘Extreme Caribe Zip Line Tour’ collided while on the lines, killing the husband. Asked what safety measures were in place, the cruise’s tour director replied “zip”.

Todd, a golden retriever that defended its owner Paula Godwin from a rattlesnake, was invited as a guest of honor to an Arizona Diamondbacks baseball game. Todd and Godwin took the field before the game, but the dog left after two innings because he was bored.

Four young men swooped into an Apple store in Fresno, California, stealing $27.000 worth of Apple laptops and iPhones in under a minute. A man attempting to block the thieves from leaving the store was knocked over. The thieves remain at large, and the injured man returned to his station behind the Hero Bar.

Peggy Frank, a 63-year-old U.S. Postal Service letter carrier in Southern California was found dead in her mail truck on Friday, while delivering mail in temperatures registering near 120 degrees. She could not be saved despite resuscitation attempts by paramedics and people wondering where their Social Security checks were.

The World Health Organization and the United Nations Health Agency reasserted their warnings that parents should moderate their kids’ video game play when gaming ‘takes over other activities’. However, the WHO and UN were roundly criticized by both the International Game Developers Association, and the makers of Totino’s Pizza Rolls.

For the second time in as many days, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell was heckled out of a restaurant by protesters. McConnell was clearly frustrated, but should have known there would be trouble when he saw more than one other customer in a Long John Silver’s.